Did any1 listen to your exBPD's friends? (the enabling friends)

[Deleted]

Did any of you on here prolong your relationships with your BPDex due to their friends or even a close friend "giving you advice" and "begging you to understand him/her" aka the enablers?

After breaking up once with my exBPD, One of her best friends came up to me and begged me to understand and forgive my BPDex's abusive behavior. "I just need to be more understanding and open to talking with her" LOL. While that same friend had self-esteem issues, daddy issues, and was in a current abusive relationship.

I've seen a common trend amongst all the BPD articles that I've stumbled across and that is that BPD tend to pick out people who enable their behavior. Rather than getting a NO and strong boundaries, they get a "aw it's ok it's understandable, you are right!". Those who are not the enablers (accquiantances and such) know certain things but never the full story.

Did any of you on here take advice from one of these types of people?

[forgetthepast]

Her best friend from childhood actually said to me one time, "I am surprised you two are still together."  I wouldn't call that enabling.  She knew my ex's past and as I look back was probably trying to tell me that she will leave me and find someone else.  Just like she always does.

[Bananas]

Yep!  "go easy on him, he has had so many bad things happen to him".  Come to find out the "bad things" were things of his own doing, and not quite accurate accounts of past events. 

[danley]

His best friend told me to focus on ME and that he didn't know what to say about my ex acting haywire. His other friend told me something along the same lines. I didn't bash on ex and wasn't looking for pity. Ask me what my friends said an it would be completely different:)

I believe he would not take any advice from his friends as he is stubborn and probably would think we were all ganging up on him.  Not the case tho. But he's paranoid like that. But the weird thing is that although he knows his best friend and I talked, he would act like normal and cool to his friend.

So yeah, I've been trying to take their advice.

[BlushAndBashful]

That would require me being allowed to meet his friends.  

[jollygreen]

My BPD exgf had friends that would vilify her emotions. I've had only two of her friends approach me (both guy friends) about our relationship. Guy #1 would have lunch with her every week. I knew he had feelings for her other than just friends. He approached me at a BBQ to tell me that she was being extra friendly towards him with awkward hugs and felt I should know. He also said she was looking at houses to rent and that bugged me because she never told me about that. I bottled the hug thing for later but brought the house thing with her.  She was more pissed at guy #1 for telling me and that she felt like he couldn't keep things between them. Messed up she felt that she had to tell him things she couldn't tell me. She still had 'lunch' with him every week.

Guy friend #2 was kind of both of our friends, more so hers.  We were cool I knew there wasn't a thing going there. Anyways during the time she took her space before breaking up I got a wierd call from (he rarely called me). The call was not to see how I was it was to tell me that "if guy #1 calls or text me, don't believe anything he says about your GF." I asked what kind of things and he wouldn't really say almost avoiding it.  He said guy#1 was acting psychotic and don't believe it.  30 minutes my ex calls wanting to meet up and talk. I bet she was in the same room as guy #2 during that call. Red flags!

[mcc503764]

Oh absolutly!  During our "marriage," I ran into her best childhood friend at the store.  Her words to me about our current fighting at the time... . "She has always been like this, but if you ever tell her I said that, I will deny it!"  Talk about enabling friends?

I was literally scared of her in our r/s.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I was afraid to bring up issues in counseling when we were trying to "work on the marriage."  What a joke that was, and I have such a sense of relief that it's over!

Nice eh?

MCC

[Deleted]

My BPDex has this one friend in particular who would come try to give me advice on te relationship. I had to he more understanding! I had to listen more! Get the ffffff out! She was in no position to give advice to anyone. She was te typical rescuer friend who also had a ton of issues. I was so stupid at times I felt double teamed by my BPD ex and her friend. Thank god I saw through the bs.

[Octoberfest]

Kind of going the opposite direction of the thread, but my BPDex's friends were a constant SOURCE of problems for our relationship.

Her best friend is an absolute leach of a girl.  She moved from California here to Montana for school (they met because they were assigned as roomates in the college dorms) and absolutely used my BPDex for her car and for her money.

A point of clarification:  My BPDex met both me and the best friend on the same day.  It was the first day she moved to town, and the first day I was back in town for college.  So we all started out knowing each other at the same time.

Anyhow, my BPDex spent a large portion of the year sharing her laptop, books, and buying meals for this girl because she didnt have the money.  The girl absolutely uses my BPDex and it was a pretty big point of contention for us.  My BPDex would spend tons of time complaining to me about how much this girl pissed her off and used her and was ungrateful, and how she couldn't continue to support her like she was because she had her own bills to pay.  I told her that the simple answer was to just stand up to her and tell her it was over.  To walk away from the friendship, if ALL it was was a parasite-host type relationship (talk about irony).  My BPDex told me several times she had done so... . Facebook posts told otherwise.  I know for a fact that they contine to hang out and be best friends, and as I told my BPDex, the friend isn't going to be the one who "quits" using her for her car and money.  It has to be my BPDex who puts her foot down, and she won't ever do that because she gets validation in that this girl continues to want to be around her.  She also was a big advocate for my ex to cheat on me with at least two of the guys that she ended up doing so with.  Especially at the end, she was pushing my BPDex to go off with the new guy.  It's like she got some sort of joy out of playing god with my BPDex's life.

An ex of my BPDex (the guy immediately before me) was her best friend for 8+ years before they ever dated.  He lives back in her hometown, and as mentioned she moved to my college town at the beginning of this year.  As we started dating I was aware that they kept talking and didn't have an issue with it... . I didn't have any reason to be suspicious.  It turns out she never even broke it off with him when she moved.  So they continued to "see" eachother (she spent the majority of the weekends in my town with me) for 6+ months of our 9 month relationship.   At one point she was seeing ANOTHER guy in ANOTHER town, so she had 3 guys in 3 different towns... . yeah... .  In a poetic justice-like twist though, it turned out that both of the other guys were "cheating" on her too. I wasn't.  

And then maybe 2/3 of the way through our relationship she made a new friend with a girl in her class. Who was a lesbian.  And really liked my BPDex.  My BPDex has dated a girl in high school, and this lesbian friend knew this and was trying to work that angle.  I never got definitive proof that there was anything really going on there (I was always suspicious of it) but had many, many people tell me that there was.

And then at the end the same thing happened, she started just being friends with this guy and she wound up dating him too, cheating on me for about a week before I found out and broke it off for good which led me to here.  She is currently with him still, they have gotten a dog together, and are planning on moving in together.  They have been talking for less than 2 months, and 12 days ago she told me she loved me and wanted me back. She is a super squared away, healthy person.

And yet, I find myself still frustrated to tears by all of it.