Struggling with thoughts of her today

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today has been kind of rough.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her, and if any of it was real.  I guess for some reason in my mind if I could just hear her say that she had actually loved me and it wasn't just because she wanted something from me that it would help me to let go... . but I know it wouldn't. I can't trust anything she says, if she wasn't telling a completely fabricated lie she was always telling the half-truth -- a side of the story that made her look innocent as if she did nothing wrong, and that was never the case.  I guess I'm having trouble letting go of how great she made me feel - to be honest I probably went into the relationship insecure, thinking she was too good for me -- then when she constantly built me up with her words about how great I was I found my confidence in her words and not in myself.  When her words began to change, and she left me -- It was as if my confidence was taken and she solidified my beliefs before the relationship that I wasn't good enough.  Now its as if she is the trigger to those feelings.  Unfortunately I am unable to go completely NC as we work together on the same campus (not in constant contact but we at least have to be seen by each other once to twice a week).  I guess the only answer is to work on those feelings of inadequacy and then there will be nothing for her to trigger... . Any thoughts or suggestions to how you did this, or are doing so?

[Ahhhh431]

Today has been kind of rough.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her, and if any of it was real.  I guess for some reason in my mind if I could just hear her say that she had actually loved me and it wasn't just because she wanted something from me that it would help me to let go... . but I know it wouldn't. I can't trust anything she says, if she wasn't telling a completely fabricated lie she was always telling the half-truth -- a side of the story that made her look innocent as if she did nothing wrong, and that was never the case.  I guess I'm having trouble letting go of how great she made me feel - to be honest I probably went into the relationship insecure, thinking she was too good for me -- then when she constantly built me up with her words about how great I was I found my confidence in her words and not in myself.  When her words began to change, and she left me -- It was as if my confidence was taken and she solidified my beliefs before the relationship that I wasn't good enough.  Now its as if she is the trigger to those feelings.  Unfortunately I am unable to go completely NC as we work together on the same campus (not in constant contact but we at least have to be seen by each other once to twice a week).  I guess the only answer is to work on those feelings of inadequacy and then there will be nothing for her to trigger... . Any thoughts or suggestions to how you did this, or are doing so?

[mango_flower]

You'll get days like that.  I had one today and it's been almost 8 months.  I stood there in the supermarket, missing her like crazy as I stared at the stuff I used to buy her as treats, every time I shopped.

So, my rules... .

1) Let yourself grieve.  Don't get cross or frustrated with yourself for missing her. It's ok to miss her.  There were lots of good things about her after all!

2) Remind yourself of the lies, and half truths.  Try and see the good and bad as part of the same person.

3) Write the list of the bad things, all the things she did that you think are horrible.  It helps to stop seeing them as wonderful

4) Set yourself some time each day to think about her in silence and let your brain process. Outside of those times, tell yourself "That's ok - I'll think about that later, right now I will not" and gently guide your thoughts away.

5) Imagine your perfect person, taking her out of the equation. Take yourseld back to being 15 or 16, with your hopes and dreams still intact. Imagine the perfect person you hoped one day you'd meet.  She was not it. They are still out there somewhere!

It's tough, it's almost impossible some days. But there IS light at the end of the tunnel x

[IamDevastated]

Today has been kind of rough.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her, and if any of it was real.  I guess for some reason in my mind if I could just hear her say that she had actually loved me and it wasn't just because she wanted something from me that it would help me to let go... . but I know it wouldn't. I can't trust anything she says, if she wasn't telling a completely fabricated lie she was always telling the half-truth -- a side of the story that made her look innocent as if she did nothing wrong, and that was never the case.  I guess I'm having trouble letting go of how great she made me feel - to be honest I probably went into the relationship insecure, thinking she was too good for me -- then when she constantly built me up with her words about how great I was I found my confidence in her words and not in myself.  When her words began to change, and she left me -- It was as if my confidence was taken and she solidified my beliefs before the relationship that I wasn't good enough.  Now its as if she is the trigger to those feelings.  Unfortunately I am unable to go completely NC as we work together on the same campus (not in constant contact but we at least have to be seen by each other once to twice a week).  I guess the only answer is to work on those feelings of inadequacy and then there will be nothing for her to trigger... . Any thoughts or suggestions to how you did this, or are doing so?

I have arrived at the point where I completely and utterly DIStrust anything and everything my exBPD ever said and did and anything we ever shared. I don´t believe a word coming out of her mouth and even though we spent every waking hour together for 2.5 years before she decided to split me black and she told me every little detail about her life and feelings I feel like I have never known her at all that she is a complete stranger - because I realize that it was all a big fat LIE.

Even the things she told me about her mother how the mother abused her... . I don´t trust any of it. I really am beginning to think that the reason her mother and father both are messed up is because exBPD was the devils spawn as a child and that she has made them both mentally ill. Lol. Ok, listen... . I know it´s not even funny... . but exBPD simply is so cold, shallow, callous and sociopathic so I can´t put anything past her. She is capable of anything. Anything... . God knows what lies and distortions she is feeding her next victim

And in her case it won´t be victim in singular... . it would be victims in plural... . she was always stringing along 4-5 guys at the same time... . some of them for years... . those were her price trophies... . stringing along emasculated guys as "friends" for several years enjoying her power over them knowing full well that they were only there in the hopes of becoming her lovers... . she even said to me once that she never wanted to be with them in a romantic sense but IF they ever found someone else to hook up with she would do anything in her power to destroy that relationship... . yes, those were her words.

One of the reasons she has gone hater phase on me now and NC is because I have discovered everything about her ugly personality. She knows she can´t fool me anymore. I started holding her accountable and demanding responsibility and good behaviour from her. NOT gonna happen. Also and more importantly now she can´t get her kick anymore by abusing me... . like trying to make me jealoux with her hang around guys etc. Because I know her game. Once you expose them the fun is over. She can´t get the same amount of distress and pain out of me anymore like she could back when I thought it was all my fault and how afraid I was to lose this wonderful girl... . okay, I just have to laugh hysterically at that one!

One thing I will say though... . I really can´t wrap my head around the mental capacity this girl has... . I mean she keeps this game going with multiple guys... . she is stringing them along for years and making herself the object of their absolute affection all the while NOT being exclusive to any of them... . imagine the talent for manipulation and keeping track of all the different information from their lives and being in tune with them all and when to slash their hearts when they are most vulnerable etc to get her kick... . Her brain power and intuition must be immense... . but it is all used for evil. So sad... . so sad. To think what these ressources could achieve if used to create good things in the world instead.

[stop2think]

  there,

I have been in the same frame of mind for some days now. I am tired of talking about him to my friends, my family, to myself and at times to anybody who would lend their ear... . arghh!

It's been 5 months and even now he's behind my mind ALL the time. I try diverting my thoughts, work all day or keep myself busy but the memories keep flashing, images in imagination of his wedding, he life with this wife just pop! I feel so stuck in this train of thoughts!

I am surprised that my moods, emotions are so erratic but i feel anger and sadness most. I have been missing the things i used to do when i used to visit him probably i miss visiting the country he lives - love London particularly. Makes me sad that i no longer have the resources or reason to go to that place now.

Not a piece of advice but I have been reading a lot lately which kind of helps. I am trying to work on my issues, and short comings. For some reason unknown i missed him today - his talks and his daily emails with 'one pic of his' attached with some funny expression to make me smile (like he said).

 to you... .

[Sleuth]

Wow Ahhhh431 I have been exactly there in that post. 'I can't stop thinking about her and if any of it was ever real'.

If it's any consolation I'm sure she believed it was real, I know mine did and so did I. It's certainly better than believing it was an intentional prolonged mallicious deception.

This, unfortunately, dosn't make it real; these people are incapable of feeling actual love and understanding others emotions and the impact they have on them. Including the several 'victims' present across my relationship as IamDevastated points out. I know fine well there are some who've maintained this postion and some new additions since our split. Fortunately, I'm fresh out of 'give two ___s' on that matter so whatever.

I also used to believe in Santa and the tooth fairy and there's a lot more concrete evidence for their existence than any legitimacy to who and what my ex pretends to be and feel with each and everyone of her human projects.

As far as being 'inadequate' take solace in the fact there isn't a single person on earth with adequate emotional reserves to sate the appetite of that black hole. Honestly, I truly pity them. 

I think I'm somewhere between Ahhh and Iamdevastated on this one, logically I see so much of it as lies now but my heart still tries to convince me otherwise from time to time. I have to actively remind myself of the facts, which I would recommend, and as little contact as possible, ideally none.

It's amazing how many irrelevancies in life remind you of the subject of your own heartbreak. Thanks for that brain. You dick.

Anger and Sadness definitely rules the day.

[Ahhhh431]

Wow Ahhhh431 I have been exactly there in that post. 'I can't stop thinking about her and if any of it was ever real'.

If it's any consolation I'm sure she believed it was real, I know mine did and so did I. It's certainly better than believing it was an intentional prolonged mallicious deception.

This, unfortunately, dosn't make it real; these people are incapable of feeling actual love and understanding others emotions and the impact they have on them. Including the several 'victims' present across my relationship as IamDevastated points out. I know fine well there are some who've maintained this postion and some new additions since our split. Fortunately, I'm fresh out of 'give two ___s' on that matter so whatever.

I also used to believe in Santa and the tooth fairy and there's a lot more concrete evidence for their existence than any legitimacy to who and what my ex pretends to be and feel with each and everyone of her human projects.

As far as being 'inadequate' take solace in the fact there isn't a single person on earth with adequate emotional reserves to sate the appetite of that black hole. Honestly, I truly pity them. 

I think I'm somewhere between Ahhh and Iamdevastated on this one, logically I see so much of it as lies now but my heart still tries to convince me otherwise from time to time. I have to actively remind myself of the facts, which I would recommend, and as little contact as possible, ideally none.

It's amazing how many irrelevancies in life remind you of the subject of your own heartbreak. Thanks for that brain. You dick.

Anger and Sadness definitely rules the day.

Your post gave me some good laughs, I appreciate your humor! My brain and my heart are conflicted most of the time... . I know that this girl is not good for me, but I do miss the good times. She was very unique and I can't say I've had as much fun being around someone else my whole life -- Did any of you guys have that experience with your ex? Maybe I am just putting her on a big pedestal but to me it was like she had everything going for her, and was so much fun to be around -- being around other people just doesnt seem to do it for me anymore. I felt intoxicated when I was with her

[Inside]

Mango_Flower … I’ve 4 ‘word document files’ of ten pages each with quotes I’ve gleaned from these boards.  I just added your personal strategy (above) to them.  Thank you.  I’ve not finished the posts here but had to give my appreciation. 

Recycled several times, with the feeling ‘I must be getting better at this,’ I know I’ll miss ‘her’ too.  And yes, shopping is difficult …like passing the exotic isle and wanting to purchase her mother’s favorite imported English tea.  Dang :'(  …ok, back to the topic

[Inside]

Devastated, wow – powerful stuff!  In fact, that was perhaps the most powerful and insightful piece I’ve read in two days of hanging out here!  You touched on so much of my history with BPDgf.  Like:

“…I feel like I have never known her at all that she is a complete stranger - because I realize that it was all a big fat LIE.”

“I really am beginning to think that the reason her mother and father both are messed up is because exBPD was the devils spawn as a child and that she has made them both mentally ill.” – Projection, anyone

“…God knows what lies and distortions she is feeding her next victim”

“And in her case it won’t be victim in singular... . it would be victims in plural... . she was always stringing along 4-5 guys at the same time... . some of them for years... . those were her price trophies... . stringing along emasculated guys as "friends" for several years enjoying her power over them knowing full well that they were only there in the hopes of becoming her lovers... . she even said to me once that she never wanted to be with them in a romantic sense but IF they ever found someone else to hook up with she would do anything in her power to destroy that relationship... . ”  -- Man, it’s like I’d hear that same stuff from mine - be unable to process it, but eventually come to the same ‘conclusion,’ then begin to doubt myself because it was so unreal.  Now to hear you describe it in such absolute matter-of-fact detail ... . I’d like to cuss   Unreal ~

“…I have discovered everything about her ugly personality. She knows she can’t fool me anymore. I started holding her accountable and demanding responsibility and good behavior from her. NOT gonna happen.”  -- Same here.  It’s been laid out and conveyed to her in absolute detail.  She couldn’t handle the facts, nor correct her behavior.  I’d likely been her shinning trophy, which isn’t saying a lot.  It seemed the guys she’d target (or end up with) were all losers of sorts; much older, broken down and desperately craving her attention. 

“Once you expose them the fun is over.  She can’t get the same amount of distress and pain out of me anymore like she could back when I thought it was all my fault and how afraid I was to lose this wonderful girl... . ”

(didn’t mean to hijack this thread… but this seems a moment of revelation to me, or at least, validation... . ?)

“One thing I will say though... . I really can’t wrap my head around the mental capacity this girl has... . I mean she keeps this game going with multiple guys... . she is stringing them along for years and making herself the object of their absolute affection all the while NOT being exclusive to any of them... . imagine the talent for manipulation and keeping track of all the different information from their lives and being in tune with them all and when to slash their hearts when they are most vulnerable etc to get her kick... . Her brain power and intuition must be immense... . but it is all used for evil. So sad... . so sad. To think what these resources could achieve if used to create good things in the world instead. ”

Damn… thoughts and fears I’ve had for years.  Mine was ‘high-functioning,’ and in many ways, brilliant.  I was very much drawn to that … but to be used in such nefarious ways…  Yes, what a waste.  But thank you for sharing your insight and passion – I’m going to add your words to my files