Broke NC - he says he has forgiven me

[Sango216]

I fell asleep crying last night and woke up this morning the same way.  It's my birthday and I didn't hear anything from him at all.  I was upset so I started writing a letter with no plans to send it.  Then I thought to myself "Why not?"  One of my biggest challenges throughout this entire thing has been the words I wish I had said, and the regret I feel from not speaking my mind.  I told him about how he made me feel while we were together (depressed), about how him lashing out at me affected me, etc.  Anyway, I sent the e-mail.  I was afraid he didn't get it because he doesn't check his e-mail that often, so I texted him for the first time since April and told him that there was something in his inbox he should see.  

His response?

Him:  I saw your e-mail.  I am driving right now but I will read it when I get to my base.  Oh, by the way, happy birthday.  I wanted to tell you but thought you hated me.

Me:  Thanks.  :)idn't think you remembered.  I'll talk to you later then I guess.

Him:  Of course I remembered.

Me:  Thanks again.  I just had to get some stuff out.  I don't hate you, although you may hate me after you see what I wrote.

Him:  No.  I could never hate you.

Me:  I find that so difficult to believe.

Him:  I've never hated you.  Just was angry but I forgave you a long time ago.

I didn't know how to feel about that, so I asked him "For breaking your heart?"  He says yes.  He has forgiven me... . yet I'm having a hard time forgiving him.  I'm afraid that he'll read my e-mail and get angry again.  I keep reminding myself that the reason I wrote it was to get things off of my chest that I wish I had said months ago.  I'm just like that.  Usually when I feel like there's something I should've said but didn't, it eats me up and it's hard to get past it.  I usually feel better after getting it out.  This morning I just figured I could send it and it wouldn't be a big deal.  Writing letters and not sending them wasn't doing it for me anymore. 

My friend has been very supportive.  She said "I want you to remember why you sent the e-mail.  You wanted to get everything out.  It's not about what he has to say to it.  You said it and that's it.  Remember that the way he treated you was not okay, and going back to that is not a good idea."  She's right.  I don't want to lose sight of my real reason for sending the message.  I'm still freaking out because I am worried about his response.

[Clearmind]

My friend, you may need to begin to forgive yourself - letter to self

":)ear Sango216,

I tried my absolute best to maintain a relationship with a person who is disordered. I could not have done anything else to make it any better or make them stay longer. I sacrified myself and for that I am truly sorry. I promise to never do that to you again - you deserve love and happiness and I now see that I was trying to find it all in the wrong places.

I forgive you Sango for sacrificing yourself for someone who cannot reciprocate.

Love

Sango"

What do you think?

[Sango216]

Clearmind,

Wow.  Thank you for that.  I suppose I never did forgive myself for everything that happened.  I didn't even put any thought into it.  I was so focused on forgiving him and letting of the anger and pain that I completely forgot to think about myself.

[Clearmind]

I came to realize Sango that I spent a lifetime making everyone else's life so comfortable - there is a price for being nice!

You matter - forgiveness is working on those emotions which underly the anger, pain and hurt and beginning to see where they are directed. The leaving board is full of directed anger at our ex's - granted we have something to be angry about - however under that anger is a lot of hurt and pain which we are in fact directing at ourselves.

 you will be OK - it does hurt - feel the pain and hurt.

[Octoberfest]

+1 Clearmind.  Awesome.

Sango-

I have written the letter you described several times... . I have broken NC several times to throw in one last little comment... .  And each time I have asked myself "why?".  What is it going to change?  What is my goal by doing so?  I knew in my heart that the relationship was over and far too broken to salvage.  She had cheated on me far too much to ever go back.  So what was I trying to accomplish by continuing to prod the beast?

For me, it was part of the grieving process. It was fully coming to terms with the realities of the situation... .

Just today I thought about more things I wanted to say to her.  More FACTS that make it clear that the blame lies solely with her.  That SHE was the one who broke this relationship by cheating and lying.  But then I stopped and asked myself what it would accomplish.  I realized that contacting her and stirring up that blame game would only drag me backwards in the healing process.  It might feel good at the time to get those things off of my chest, but in the long run all that would happen is I would ruminate longer over whatever spines came from the conversation that followed.  

I don't have any "what you should do" advice.  I had to keep doing it, keep writing those letters, keep engaging that circular conversation until I finally got to a point where I realized it was more trouble than it was worth. I believe I am on day 9 of NC, the longest I have EVER been.  She is still in my mind, but I cant justify contacting her... . time will get you there too.

Let go or be dragged.

[Sango216]

Clearmind:

Thank you.  I have directed a lot of anger towards myself for allowing so much to happen and for continuously going back to him. 

Octoberfest:

Yeah, now I find myself questioning why I sent it.  I was highly motivated by the pain I felt due to him not reaching out for my birthday.  I'm afraid to hear what he is going to have to say now.  It doesn't even feel the same to talk to him anymore.

[Clearmind]

Thank you.  I have directed a lot of anger towards myself for allowing so much to happen and for continuously going back to him.  

Yep me too and acknowledging this (our role) shows emotional maturity - this is where the healing truly begins.

He, his behavior, his reactions, his thoughts, his emotions are not your fault. Only he can fix himself and only you can fix you... .

For whatever reason we want a disordered person to provide us with validation that we were not to blame - it becomes a perpectual cycle of hurt if we keep doing that... . they can no longer validate themselves let alone validate us... . seek validation and healing elsewhere... .

[pari]

My friend, you may need to begin to forgive yourself - letter to self

":)ear Sango216,

I tried my absolute best to maintain a relationship with a person who is disordered. I could not have done anything else to make it any better or make them stay longer. I sacrified myself and for that I am truly sorry. I promise to never do that to you again - you deserve love and happiness and I now see that I was trying to find it all in the wrong places.

I forgive you Sango for sacrificing yourself for someone who cannot reciprocate.

Love

Sango"

What do you think?

This is a great idea Clearmind. I am going to copy this letter, change the name, take a print and paste it in my house. 

I feel so much anger against my ex now and I don't know how to let it out. In last few days, in moment of despair, I let it out on him and that lead to more circular arguments. Ultimately leading me to a panic attack in public, which still shakes me. I do not want to see the face or talk to person who did that me. I deserve better. But I can't stop thinking about him. It's the illusion of love (which in fact was his neediness). I have so many things to tell him but I don't am afraid that if I do, he will get defensive and angry and I can't stand that. So I write notes in diary. Even though it's over between us, he still sends me his pictures and messages. Expecting what, I don't know.

Right now, the most important is your healing. Letting of his anger is a part of it. If you think, writing letters helps you, continue to do that but don't send it to him. Write it in paper instead of email, so it's an extra step to send him the letter even you if want to. Be kind to yourself. You need to wake up from the dream and face the reality. 

[Octoberfest]

The acceptance and healing process is quite an experience; I feel as though I have been on quite a journey... . Maybe this is what real growth feels like.

Humbled to be here.

[Sango216]

Clearmind:

I reminded myself that his behavior is not my fault tonight, because for a second I thought I might get sucked back in... . even though I was the one who broke NC.  Also, you're right!  Reminding myself that he is disordered and unable to provide validation is really important.  At the end of the day, he still has the same issues he had when we were together, and they prevent him from taking responsibility for his role in this.

Pari:

Yes, that is my fear, that he will get defensive again despite the fact that I tried my best not to say anything to set him off.  I tried to express myself in a manner that demonstrates accountability on my part for the things I did, and letting him know what he did as well.  I suppose there is no way around it though.  If he's going to get upset, he just is, but this has to be the last time I reach out.

Octoberfest:

Yes, it is quite a journey.  I am so grateful to have people like you and the other board members to help me.

[Murbay]

There are certain e-mail applications out there which delay when the e-mail is sent. So many times I have wanted to write and have it delivered to my ex in 3 years or 5 years. I know for certain that she will continue to repeat the same patterns and in 5 years time will still be sat there wondering why the world is so cruel to her and why she can't find someone who will give up their own identity, goals, dreams and ambitions to appease and follow her.

I wanted to do it now so that in 3 or 5 years time, I will be in a much better place and our relationship will be all but a distant relationship. Something to try and help her find her way but without still being attached.

The more I have come to terms with things on this site and found forgiveness in myself, the less I want to do that. Forgiving yourself is the key to being able to move forward and there will always be answers we deserve that we have to accept we may never get. We are in control of that closure in ourselves and reaching out, depending on the person on the other end, can slow us down or create chaos. It can open a door back into our lives to continue the destruction and despite where we think we might be or how strong we are, if they find that weakness, we open that door.

I like to think that for my ex, she knew my strengths and weaknesses and I allowed her to turn my strengths into weaknesses. She was very convincing in how she does it and I for one will never give her that opportunity to do that again.

Sango, what you did yesterday was a very brave move and from your last message it seems like you have got it. That final piece of being able to speak out and say what you have been carrying inside. Now is the time to find that closure in yourself, smile while you do it and realise your potential and self worth. The more you affirm that it was not your fault, the more it will become part of your natural thinking and the stronger you will be 

[Cocoalover]

Sango, ill add up to what octoberfest says,

3 years ago I was on this bored, once I read this, it's deep and meaningful.

(From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. ~Franz Kafka)

We will get there

[Sango216]

Murbay:

Wow.  That is a wonderful idea, and very thoughtful of you, and smart to reach out in a manner that allows you to still maintain distance.

After reading my ex's response to my e-mail, I am worried about setting myself back.  He was very sweet and remorseful, even causing me to question whether he has the illness or not.  Luckily I have my friends here to keep me in line and remind me about the bad things we went through.  Things are confusing now because I'm not sure if we are going to maintain contact or not. 

Cocoalover:

Thank you.  That is very meaningful.  After sending that e-mail and reading his response, it seems I have put myself in harm's way, as if I am going to turn back.  I did my best to reiterate the fact that he and I cannot be together though.  Too much has been said and done.

[Elsegundo]

Great thread.  Even greater letter, Clearmind.  Think this should be made into a Workshop on Forgiving Ourselves or something.

[Clearmind]

We need to forgive ourselves before we can begin to forgive and let go of our ex's. We all need to grieve and we will hold onto anger, resentment for a while - completely normal and ride those emotions.

In time we relinquish those thoughts of revenge or the like - because we have way too much worth to even dream of heading back there. To exercise self forgiveness is to show yourself kindness and compassion - its possibly something that you have not shown yourself for a long time.

Believe it or not your inner child, that little you is crying out for some attention.

The acceptance and healing process is quite an experience; I feel as though I have been on quite a journey... . Maybe this is what real growth feels like.

Humbled to be here.

BINGO OctoberFest! Words could never be truer.

This sucks, the whole break up sucks - however - we have never been this awake and aware of our surroundings, other people and their motives, our boundaries or lack their of, the way we want to live our lives, the impact of our childhood on adult decisions --- and finding anger! You found anger and thats awesome - nothing wrong with anger when its well directed.

With anger comes perspective

With pain comes growth

With growth comes happiness and being present (not having your head in the sand - ignorance really is not bliss)

I reminded myself that his behavior is not my fault tonight, because for a second I thought I might get sucked back in... . even though I was the one who broke NC.  Also, you're right!  Reminding myself that he is disordered and unable to provide validation is really important.  At the end of the day, he still has the same issues he had when we were together, and they prevent him from taking responsibility for his role in this.

Excellent!

Yes he does have the same issues - those issues were there before you came along - you didn't cause them, you didn't make them worse and you didn't cure him - sad reality!

We all must take personal responsibility for our emotions/thoughts/actions and reactions. Their intense reactions and emotions directed at us does not equate to an increase in intensity of love - it was need.

[Sango216]

Clearmind:

He actually responded to my letter pretty well, although I am not sure whether he is trying to butter me up or not.  This probably sounds really naive, but I think it may be genuine.  He and I are on the same page (as far as being together).  We both know we can't be together (although we wish we could).  I feel good.

Here's a small summary of what he said:

He doesn't really remember everything he said the last time we spoke.  It was all out of anger.  He apologizes from the bottom of his heart, and he doubted my love for him at first but he has learned that people have different ways of showing that.

I did mention devaluation to him, and how I felt like he was putting me down. He doesn't really see it the way I do.  I just let it go.  I don't want to fight with him anymore.  He says he was joking when he said a lot of that stuff, but he sees now that he needs to be careful because not everyone is in the military (or used to his sense of humor).  

I mentioned how I try to save people, and that's what I tried to do with him.  He says he held his tongue at first but it got to the point where he couldn't handle me trying to fix or save him.  We both agree that we tried to change one another, and that we would've loved to have worked it out.  He says he loves me a lot and he may never love someone like he loves me.

Aaah.  I also mentioned the whole fear of abandonment issue.  I told him that people like him are afraid that people will leave them so they are constantly questioning their devotion to them, thus causing them to leave.  He agrees that this is what occurred.  I told him that I am envious of his ability to move on so quickly, and that I wish I could do that, but I know deep down it isn't healthy and that people should work on themselves first before jumping into things.  He said he may have moved on but he hasn't forgotten.  He still thinks about me a lot and compares her to me.  

I'm still worried about the whole contact thing.  I know we have to stop talking again because I cannot handle being "friends" with him.  I probably sound like I'm totally believing the "hype" or whatever bull he fed me, but it feels genuine.  I still remember the things he said and did.  I'm just not angry anymore.  I think it'd be best if we stop talking now so things don't get ugly again.  I'm dreading it though.  I've missed him a lot.  I've go to be strong though.

[Clearmind]

Us saving them works for a while – this servitude is what drew my ex in – it was also the thing that drove him away. Nothing I could do about it. I had no idea that he feared abandonment (servitude/pull) and also feared engulfment (push/devaluation) – it’s a pattern he cannot help.

I certainly wouldn’t want to be with a man that compares me to his current GF – Hmmmm – red flag. My ex would tell me how I compared with his ex’s – OH! – red flag I ignored. A secure, healthy minded man would never dream of doing that.

Genuine yes my friend, sustainable? Never…two different things – don’t listen to the words, remember the actions – you saw it all and then some. Its easy to be drawn into the fantasy and magical thinking of his words – means well however its possible he really cannot provide you with a relationship you truly deserve.

Start to write down what it means to have a healthy relationship and the characterisitics you would find!

[Sango216]

I don't think me "saving" him ever worked.  At the end of the day he still said whatever he pleased out of his mouth and didn't have a care in the world about how it made me feel. 

Regardless I am going to want to be with him, which is why I think it's best that we don't talk anymore.  I can't be with him.  It wouldn't be healthy, or right.  I think he feels the same way.  We cannot be together, and we both know it.  As far as him comparing his current girlfriend (if she even has that title right now) to me, I can't help that one bit.  What I can do is remove myself from the situation and let them be.

I don't think he can help it, honestly.  I do the same thing unfortunately.  I've had guys approach me and at the end of the day I am always comparing them to him... . is the conversation the same, do I feel as comfortable with them as I did with him?  I've got to learn to turn that off, and so does he.

It's over for us, but at least we don't hate each other.  I'm satisfied with that.

[pari]

We both agree that we tried to change one another, and that we would've loved to have worked it out.  He says he loves me a lot and he may never love someone like he loves me.

Sounds like the same thing is happening in different locations at the same time. :D My ex tells me the exact same thing. Says He thinks about me today as much as he did last month and last year. That he wants to be with me, but knows that it is not working between us.

Aaah.  I also mentioned the whole fear of abandonment issue.  I told him that people like him are afraid that people will leave them so they are constantly questioning their devotion to them, thus causing them to leave.  He agrees that this is what occurred.  

He would never accept his abandonment issue and I never had strength to mention it to him. But this is exactly what happened with me.

I told him that I am envious of his ability to move on so quickly, and that I wish I could do that, but I know deep down it isn't healthy and that people should work on themselves first before jumping into things.  He said he may have moved on but he hasn't forgotten.  He still thinks about me a lot and compares her to me.  

My ex used the exact same lines. Wow, I am amazed how these people use similar lines. Do they have a guide book or something? Just kidding

I'm still worried about the whole contact thing.  I know we have to stop talking again because I cannot handle being "friends" with him.  I probably sound like I'm totally believing the "hype" or whatever bull he fed me, but it feels genuine.  I still remember the things he said and did.  I'm just not angry anymore.  I think it'd be best if we stop talking now so things don't get ugly again.  I'm dreading it though.  I've missed him a lot.  I've go to be strong though.

He proposed the idea of being friends, because he would need support and I am the person he is closest with. In a weak emotional state, I might have bought the idea. But More I talk to my friends, family and read the forum , more I don't want to see him. It's time I take care of myself and stop this cycle of abuse. As soon as he gets in my head, I ask him to leave, tell myself that this is my space not his. It's silly but it works 

In my mind, I need to accept the fact that there is no last hope. That he is a dead-end and I have want to live happy life. I am getting there slowly and hope you do the same. No one else can make you happy but yourself. There is a lot of support and good advice on this forum. Hang in there