For us, it's really no response

[educator]

So... . I've been gone for awhile.  Essentially, just getting my life back on track and doing things for me and my family.  For those of you that remember me, I have a uBPD MIL.  To make a long story short, she stepped out of our lives in January of 2012, throwing a tantrum because we attempted to create a boundary. 

Anyhow... . over the past 18 months, we've essentially been NC, though she still will try to call on rare occasions and she'll send our DD8 mail sometimes.  So, now we categorize it as no response.  I mean, we can't stop her from sending mail to our house.  DH changed our phone numbers (after receiving some nasty texts from enFIL) and we've blocked our emails but we are not going to move  . 

Yesterday, DD8 got a card for her birthday from MIL.  And... . she happened to be out with DH when he got the mail and she saw it.  He felt he had to give it to her (we didn't give her the Thanksgiving card or the postcard around Christmas that stated they were in a tropical destination and that her uncle is so good looking he had to beat women off with a club).  DD8 got the card and was like, "Why did grandma send this and say she misses me?  Can't she just come over if she wants?  Can't she just call you?" 

I thought it was shocking that at such a young age, DD8 is already picking up on the fact that MIL is off.  She actually went to throw it in the trash, then took it out to show me when I got home.  I told her she could keep it or do what she wants with it and she asked us to just store it somewhere where she can't see it.

At first, I wanted to text my MIL or call her and tell her that if she was really going to be the better person and walk away, then she should stay away and that these cards she sends are not helping.  If she wants to try to fix things, maybe she shoudl work stuff out with her son and not go through an 8 year old. 

But... . DH and I are just not going to respond.  There is nothing good in responding.  I guess there was a response in that DD8 got the card, but we are not going to contact MIL.  It's just not worth it.  My life is too damned peaceful right now to invite that drama back in!   

[Marcia]

 I know with my BPD mother, her favorite emotion is anger, and her favorite activities are getting even and/or setting somebody straight. She gets a real rush from engaging in angry exchanges--with family members, neighbors, places of business, you name it, she's battled it.

My kids are all grown now, but when they were young, she would set up punishment scenarios for our family, and I, like you, wouldn't have it.

It's sad they can't be a part of things, but I did not want to see my miserable childhood repeated with my kids, so were NC and LC with my parents much of their growing up years. I would do the same again... . I think theBPD's willingness to look at their behavior and motives is non-existent. You would have to bend, bend, bend, and still they will stage a crazy town showdown, IMHO.

[simplesimon]

That is probably the best thing you can do.

It does work well on my BPDm - to the point however that she will escalate her behavior... . but I haven't heard from her in over a year - small point to me!

I think silence is sometimes the only way we have to protect ourselves because let's face it any response is seen as war or an opening and BPD are like rats - they will FIND a way in!

I feel for you because on top of everything you feel and your husband feels your daughter is picking it up too.

[educator]

Marcia... . that is where we are at with our r/s with DH's uBPDm.  We were always the ones to bend and accept her behavior.  We would admit that we were wrong, when we did nothing wrong, just to keep the peace.  Once we went to see a T, all that stopped and MIL was enraged and walked out.

simplesimon... . I feel badly for my DD8 as well.  Sorry you haven't talked to your mom in so long, but I am sure that you have enjoyed the peace that it brings. 

Part of me has thought, "Gosh... . maybe it's time to just end all of this and contact her... . bring the kids over."  And for a little while, everything would be fine... . but then it would blow up and both my DD's would be involved more because they are older. 

[P.F.Change]

Your MIL has always used that child.

And that is what this card is. It is not about care for the child--it is about manipulating the situation by using her. So unfair to that sweet little girl.

I am proud that your DD8 can see it and express herself. She clearly has some emotions to work through but it is great that you are allowing her the freedom to decide for herself what she wants to do about it while being there to guide her.

Well done on all of you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[educator]

PF... . thanks for the affirmation.  It always feels good to hear that you did the right thing or at least a sensible thing as there is not always a right or wrong to every situation... . just what works best for you.  DD8 hasn't mentioned the card in awhile.  I wonder if my almost 3 year old DD will get one on her birthday.  Probably not.