Intermittent periods of denial?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok, so for the most part I accept I will never be with my BPD ex again, and that she was never the person I thought she was.  It's been a soul-destroying truth.

But from time to time, I go through these brief periods of not believing any of this has happened.  Usually, flashbacks triggered by something silly.

E.g. tonight, I looked in the cupboard for some food. And saw a tub of onion gravy granules which I must have brought from my old house I shared with her.

And it just punched me in the gut, you know?  I had a flashback to when she used to cook certain meals for, us, which I no longer cook.

And it all just seemed so surreal and wrong, like I'm living in a dream, and this whole last 8 months hasn't happened, and it's just one big nightmare... . and she'll be back to how we were, she'll come home and cook for us.

Am I making any sense?

Those moments tend to hurt so bad.

It's like I have brief periods of denial, where it all feels like it hasn't happened, and it's so confusing.

I just wondered if anyone else feels like this?

[mango_flower]

Ok, so for the most part I accept I will never be with my BPD ex again, and that she was never the person I thought she was.  It's been a soul-destroying truth.

But from time to time, I go through these brief periods of not believing any of this has happened.  Usually, flashbacks triggered by something silly.

E.g. tonight, I looked in the cupboard for some food. And saw a tub of onion gravy granules which I must have brought from my old house I shared with her.

And it just punched me in the gut, you know?  I had a flashback to when she used to cook certain meals for, us, which I no longer cook.

And it all just seemed so surreal and wrong, like I'm living in a dream, and this whole last 8 months hasn't happened, and it's just one big nightmare... . and she'll be back to how we were, she'll come home and cook for us.

Am I making any sense?

Those moments tend to hurt so bad.

It's like I have brief periods of denial, where it all feels like it hasn't happened, and it's so confusing.

I just wondered if anyone else feels like this?

[schwing]

Hi Mango_flower,

I remember the periods of denial.  I remember waking up from a dream having completely forgotten that we were no longer together, and then it it me like a ton of bricks.

Those "flashbacks" are like triggers which remind you of your traumatic event, which in all likelihood is an abandonment trauma (your ex basically abandoned you).  Think of it as something similar to PTSD.

One way to look at it is that your mind still hasn't completely come to terms with what has happened, or has completely accepted what has happened.  So you go through periods where you "dissociate" or forget what happened.  It's a coping mechanism.

Just remember to be patient with yourself, and as long as you continue to take care of yourself, your mind will be able to accept things more and more and eventually "integrate" all the pain which is associated with your traumatic event.

It's ok to have these occasional episodes.  If things feel a bit too overwhelming for you, don't hesitate to get professional help.

Best wishes, Schwing

[simplyasiam]

i have the same trouble. tok a nap after work today and dreamed she came back and we were sso happy . i still come across things in my home that hit me that way im sure time will heel this also, we may never forget it all but someday it will be to deep to hurt anymore.

best we can do is be tuff till its gone and hope they dont recycle us before we can stay away from them... . even if in our hearts some how we still want this.

it sucks thinking they are out there happy and living life so fast after us. thats the part that makes us wonder about everything we to be true in the world.

[Tired68]

I feel the exact same way, like a lost puppy. Everything we did together, we texted everyday and said " I love you" , I find myself going back reading those and it don't seem like she is gone. But she lied to me and cheated on me and why can't I just get over it! Wow, this pain I feel is so overwhelming . She is prob sleeping great and not even thinking about me at all. I have not heard from her in a month , we have a house and her sister is the one texting me about taking care of the house situation . I said have her call me and her sister said she wants her to handle it ! Wth! I am not the one who screwed up here ! Why am I suffering! This pain is horrendous and I just want it to be over! Now there is a trip to PR for my bday at the end if this month I bought for us and now I am going alone... . I feel soo alone. Please tell me why we are left behind to suffer? 7 years wasted with this woman to be tossed to the side like I never even mattered... . that's the hard part... .

[danley]

I try to disassociate and forget. Memories are all around me. Everywhere I go. It's hard. I sometimes tear up but then take a deep breath and move on. What helps me is that I remember that if my ex can easily disassociate me and move on, then so should I. It shocks me to reality but it still hurts. I don't have these moments as much as before but they still happen. It sucks but I'm hopeful for sunnier days soon.

[cult]

As you all know I am in the very early stages of this journey. I am deep in denial. Today has been better than yesterday. A good 12 step meeting, fellowship afterward and good phone time with people who love and support me helped a lot.

I am staying in the apartment we have shared for the past year. I am planning to redecorate, change the sheets and wall hangings, add some new furnishings, etc and even bless the place to rid it of my ex's toxic energy. It is going to be a lot harder once she is gone for good. We hung out a bit today and spending time with her is like a drug for me. It soothes me and makes me feel better, like she isn't abandoning me and our 10 year r/s, and that she has not turned into a completely different person from the one I fell In love with.

I think your experience is very normal and you are likely to continue having moments. For me it usually takes at least one full year to recover from a failed r/s.  In my case given the length of the r/s and the abandonment/betrayal involved, it may take longer which is OK with me... .

[papawapa]

"it sucks thinking they are out there happy and living life so fast after us"


you have to remember that happiness is an illusion for them. I know my ex is not truly happy, she only thinks she is. deep down they loathe themselves and can't really be happy.

[thisyoungdad]

You described my life, until very recently. I still have moments of denial but they are far less frequent or intense. I spent nearly 9 months in the place you describe and it was gut wrenching painful. Sorry to hear you are in that space too.

To share a brief example from my life from just today.

My wife and I  are in the middle of a divorce that is quickly getting pretty nasty. She claims she is happy without me but we have a child together. I was gone camping with the dog for 5 days and she emailed me about the kid. I happened to have turned my phone on  for something and saw it. Needless to say she started this long slide into chaos--but accuses me of creating the drama? I was in another state have a great time all by myself and she knew this--thankfully I was able to shut it all out and let her create what she was going to create. Anyway then today on my way home I was using my phone for the gps, and I got an email... . from her. It was to all the attorneys, and everyone else who "matters" and thankfully I was still hundreds of miles from home in the middle of no place because it was addressed to me and was very harsh. I pulled over, called my attorney and we talked. Basically I finally called B.S on everything she was saying in her condescending, talking to me like a parent email. The part I was actually able to laugh about tonight was that she got mad and said "I get triggered when you email me or text me, I want less communication than we have right now" and yet she is the one who had called me multiple times, and emailed me. I only talked to her in response to those requests but I never once started anything. In fact I was actually enjoying for the first time not thinking about her and the b.s back home.

As I considered what I would say if I could say anything I wanted, I realized that she is not happy at all. That is what the email was all about. Somehow in her mind I was creating a state of unhappiness for her despite being gone and out of touch for 4 days, and many days prior to that as well. Yet it was my fault of course. That was a pivotal moment for me because I had feared she was happier without me, had found someone new etc. that the problem was me. Yet right then I realized none of that is true, and that clearly she can not be truly happy and then I felt really sad for her. That is how i knew that I was moving forward in the grieving process, I was able to not take it personally.

It sucks where you are at, I was there the better part of the last 10 months and it is only in the past 2 weeks getting even a little better. It sucks, it hurts like hell and only time and apparently for me space, heals the wounds I am finding.

[Octoberfest]

"it sucks thinking they are out there happy and living life so fast after us"


you have to remember that happiness is an illusion for them. I know my ex is not truly happy, she only thinks she is. deep down they loathe themselves and can't really be happy.

It is for this reason that I do not loathe my BPDex.  I do not wish her any ill will.  I cannot bring myself to do it, even after all the hurt she has caused me.  It breaks my heart to know that the girl I loved (and that I do still love on a human level) has had to deal with everything she has had to in her at this point short life and that she has to live with the consequences and memories of those things the rest of her life.  Absolutely heartbreaking.

[KellyO]

Of course there is denial. I was in denial for 2 years. If I wouldn't have been in denial, all those recycles would have never happened, because I definitely saw his abusive nature in first 2 months. Most of the recycles were my doing, I wanted to keep trying. So my denial and wishful thinking was in levels I still can't understand. See, I'm practical and realistic person. With him, I threw every bit of realism out of window. And no one forced me to do it.

My denial about my abuse was my way to protect myself, as crazy as it sounds. See, my father was very violent. My mother was emotionally abusive. So, I thought I would never allow anyone to abuse me again. And what happenes when I meet a real abusive man (he did not beat me but was abusive in every other way,abusive mindset does not reguire hitting someone)? I LOVE him of course, because that was only kind of love I knew.

You would make a big service for yourself to find out why you are in denial, and why you think what you had was love. See, our mind is in denial often just because it tries to keep two contradicting believes, or it has one false believe and truth does not fit in. So denial comes in to play so you wouldn't have to change yourself. Doesn't it sound so much like what we accuse our disordered person about? Both partners are in denial, others these relationships would have ended in two weeks and healthy one would not look back. We were not healthy either, but we have hope. We can look inside and get rid of our denials about ourselves and learn to live as a whole person.

[pari]

You are not the only one Mango. I, infact we all go through such phases too. Me and my ex were so into each other. Sharing morning, evenings, weekends with each other, doing smallest of things together, eating in our favorite restaurants. It's so painful to eat alone now. I have tears in my eyes thinking about him all the time. Even after leaving, he follows me like ghost.

A thousand times I would wished that he would come back and things would be normal again. My brain refused to look at the pain and looked at the happy times, reminding me of him. Even I was surprize that how I have got no self esteem, craving for this person who treated me like sh**. Such Denial.

After finally being able to detach myself from him, I feel like I have woken up from deep coma, where I could see things clearly and do what is healthy for me.

Of course there is denial. I was in denial for 2 years. If I wouldn't have been in denial, all those recycles would have never happened, because I definitely saw his abusive nature in first 2 months. Most of the recycles were my doing, I wanted to keep trying. So my denial and wishful thinking was in levels I still can't understand. See, I'm practical and realistic person. With him, I threw every bit of realism out of window. And no one forced me to do it.

You speak my story KellyO. This is exactly what I did. Thinking I am doing my best to save the relationship. While I was driving myself crazy, it was declared that it was all my fault, my insecurities, my craziness that drove him crazy. It was all my fault. And believe me, I lived with it for months, still trying to make it work. It look my friends, family, T and this forum months to wake me up from the BPD coma and see the truth.

[morningagain]

Denial. 

Yeah.  From day one.  It was an unreal existence from the moment I met her, ignoring all of the red flags, the unreal 2 years of euphoria followed by the unreal spiral into excruciatingly painful ruin, the unreal financial ruin, through her unreal meltdowns, demands, catch 22's, double standards, the unreal arrests, the unreal car wrecks, the unreal betrayals, her unreal suicide attempts and hospital stays, the unreal gaslighting, her unreal awareness of her condition then flipping to her unreal denials.  And through it all, I kept denying my own ears, my own eyes, all of my senses, my own mind, my own thoughts and emotions.

Denial.

I believe that today I am in less denial than I ever was.  And accepting that I will never live like that again.  I accept the pain, I accept that I love her, and I accept that I will not accept her back into my life.  I accept she will not seek real therapy.  And I accept that I am the author of my present situation and I am the only one who will rebuild my life.

I am practicing vigilance against denial, and this along with the acceptance (above) gives me more peace than I have known in many years.

[Validation78]

Hey Mango and All!

Denial is another part of the grieving process. It's normal to feel it, and good news that you do. When we acknowledge, accept, and process our feelings, we can rest assured that we are on a healing path! Keep working through your feelings Mango, you're making progress!

Today is my wedding anniversary, and we were divorced just a month ago. I thought I might feel bad today, so I have been proactive. I have gotten rid of everything in my home that reminds me of him, except one thing which I am planning to dispose of today in a sort of ceremony. Instead of celebrating a marriage today, I CHOOSE to celebrate my freedom, my life, my emotional well being. I emphasize choose because if I didn't acknowledge my feelings, I may not be able to deal with them in a healthy manner!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Grace58]

It is like a dream.  For me it has been almost two years, with about 12 months of strict NC.  She has moved on, of course.  But if I am driving near the highway exit that leads to our old house, I get a surge of happiness because I am going to see her shortly... . no wait, we broke up a long time ago.  It is very disturbing.

But I have to remember that these are very brief periods of denial.  My whole relationship with my ex was an extended period of denial.  I loved her so much (and wanted her so bad) that I overlooked the lying, the emotional abuse, the criminal behavior, and I overlooked many behaviors that crossed the line ethically.  She left her last 7 lovers exactly the same way, and she told me she always left people that way (sex cut off, emotional affair, extreme demeaning abuse, lies told etc).  Weirdly, I simply did  not believe she would leave me like that, despite the evidence.

So for me, the brief delusions and denial that occur periodically just serve as an important reminder of the time I was in denial for 7 years - but no more.

[Billa]

Ok, so for the most part I accept I will never be with my BPD ex again, and that she was never the person I thought she was.  It's been a soul-destroying truth.

But from time to time, I go through these brief periods of not believing any of this has happened.  Usually, flashbacks triggered by something silly.

E.g. tonight, I looked in the cupboard for some food. And saw a tub of onion gravy granules which I must have brought from my old house I shared with her.

And it just punched me in the gut, you know?  I had a flashback to when she used to cook certain meals for, us, which I no longer cook.

And it all just seemed so surreal and wrong, like I'm living in a dream, and this whole last 8 months hasn't happened, and it's just one big nightmare... . and she'll be back to how we were, she'll come home and cook for us.

Am I making any sense?

Those moments tend to hurt so bad.

It's like I have brief periods of denial, where it all feels like it hasn't happened, and it's so confusing.

I just wondered if anyone else feels like this?

I do... .