I did two things that effect BPD’s the most.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I got my revenge

After suffering for the last four months (depression, crying, extreme weight loss, longing for my ex BPD wife) I finally put the nail in the coffin and put her in her place on the way out.

My wife started seeing a co-worker of hers a mere three months after our 5 year relationship ended in divorce.  She essentially rubbed in my face, which was incredibly hurtful to hear.    They have been official for the past three months now, and the guy even attended her brother’s wedding in Colorado a couple of weeks ago.   My ex-wife is even Facebook friends with the guy’s mom.  It’s all pretty sickening.  She hasn’t even been divorced a year and all signs point to her going down the aisle with this guy.   She didn't even bother to go outside of her own job.  She is on a fast track, and it doesn't matter who with! 

Even though I asked for the divorce, I was still very much in love with her (call me unconditional to the extreme), but I wanted the verbal abuse to end and this was the only way to end it.  I tried putting her into her place and fought with her a lot – nothing worked. 

I have slowly put myself back together.   I started dating a few different women this past April and met a decent girl in early June that I have since been intimate with.  We see each other twice per week – a very slow courtship – but it seems to work for us.

I’ve also secured a new job out of town, so after 103 days of No Contact I had to contact my ex-BPD wife to get some financial records from her that she had before I left for good.

We were able to work out the details of documents via email and I was able to pick them up at the bank.

Two days after I received the documents, I received a b!tchy email from her late at night that stated  “we no longer have a need to keep in contact.  We no longer have any reason to be in touch. I ask that you do not reply to this email, as this will be my final communication and I do not want a reply.”

Of course, I had to reply.

 

Her reign of control is over and she no longer has a say in my life and what I can and cannot do. 

So, without typing the whole thing out, I sent a small paragraph to her that did two things that effect BPD’s the most.

1.  Abandonment fears

2.  Jealously

I told her that when I decided to leave her I gave her more than enough space before and after the divorce.  She knows deep down that I discarded her and I know it burned her, but she likes to play the angle that since she filed the divorce paper work, she left me.  Not true at all and she knows it.

Also, me moving to another state triggers a feeling within of "what have could have been".  She always wanted to move to Chicago... . and now I'm going without her. 

I also told her that I didn’t want to speak with her anymore either, because it’s not fair to my “current relationship”.   So, I let her know that she had been replaced, and that I was not secretly pining for her. 

It felt good to get that over to her after going through absolute hell this year.  I don’t have any remorse in burning her and triggering those BPD fears.  You can criticize me all you want, but I was done being thrashed by my ex-wife and she had to know that her actions won’t go unpunished. 

Revenge is sweet.  Karma is sweeter.

[expos]

Well, I got my revenge

After suffering for the last four months (depression, crying, extreme weight loss, longing for my ex BPD wife) I finally put the nail in the coffin and put her in her place on the way out.

My wife started seeing a co-worker of hers a mere three months after our 5 year relationship ended in divorce.  She essentially rubbed in my face, which was incredibly hurtful to hear.    They have been official for the past three months now, and the guy even attended her brother’s wedding in Colorado a couple of weeks ago.   My ex-wife is even Facebook friends with the guy’s mom.  It’s all pretty sickening.  She hasn’t even been divorced a year and all signs point to her going down the aisle with this guy.   She didn't even bother to go outside of her own job.  She is on a fast track, and it doesn't matter who with! 

Even though I asked for the divorce, I was still very much in love with her (call me unconditional to the extreme), but I wanted the verbal abuse to end and this was the only way to end it.  I tried putting her into her place and fought with her a lot – nothing worked. 

I have slowly put myself back together.   I started dating a few different women this past April and met a decent girl in early June that I have since been intimate with.  We see each other twice per week – a very slow courtship – but it seems to work for us.

I’ve also secured a new job out of town, so after 103 days of No Contact I had to contact my ex-BPD wife to get some financial records from her that she had before I left for good.

We were able to work out the details of documents via email and I was able to pick them up at the bank.

Two days after I received the documents, I received a b!tchy email from her late at night that stated  “we no longer have a need to keep in contact.  We no longer have any reason to be in touch. I ask that you do not reply to this email, as this will be my final communication and I do not want a reply.”

Of course, I had to reply.

 

Her reign of control is over and she no longer has a say in my life and what I can and cannot do. 

So, without typing the whole thing out, I sent a small paragraph to her that did two things that effect BPD’s the most.

1.  Abandonment fears

2.  Jealously

I told her that when I decided to leave her I gave her more than enough space before and after the divorce.  She knows deep down that I discarded her and I know it burned her, but she likes to play the angle that since she filed the divorce paper work, she left me.  Not true at all and she knows it.

Also, me moving to another state triggers a feeling within of "what have could have been".  She always wanted to move to Chicago... . and now I'm going without her. 

I also told her that I didn’t want to speak with her anymore either, because it’s not fair to my “current relationship”.   So, I let her know that she had been replaced, and that I was not secretly pining for her. 

It felt good to get that over to her after going through absolute hell this year.  I don’t have any remorse in burning her and triggering those BPD fears.  You can criticize me all you want, but I was done being thrashed by my ex-wife and she had to know that her actions won’t go unpunished. 

Revenge is sweet.  Karma is sweeter.

[bpdspell]

Revenge is sweet.  Karma is sweeter.

Hey Expos,

No one on here can judge you for your reactions or responses to your ex's treatment of you. We all have felt the injustice of their abuse, entitlement and raging. Some of us act on it and some of us don't, can't or won't. You're human and our reactions are our life lessons that will make us grow on our path. There's no one perfect size fits all way of handling the aftermath of this toxic dance.

I understand. We really gave them our hearts. We loved and cared for them and they never had the capacity to appreciate us and it sucks.

I didn't act on my revenge desires... . not because I'd feel guilty ( I can honestly say that I never hated a human being until I experienced this breakup)... . but because I decided that ignoring him and not stooping to his level would hurt him even more than playing tit for tat games that fed his narcissism. Some will call that immature but it's what I felt would empower me best. My motivation for NC was all about punishing the ex and I didn't give a rat's ass who judged my reasons. It was my life and I was the one suffering.

So yah. The silent treatment does kill them more than anything cause it gives them nothing for their disorder to feed on. In their minds attention is ATTENTION; whether negative or positive and they'll use whatever attention we give them to justify their disordered thoughts and pretzel logic.

It takes time to grow into letting go of the pain. It really does. If your revenge gives you a sense of satisfaction then none of us on here can judge you. But it's important to remember who suffers more when we bring a butter knife to a gun fight.

Wanting revenge is understandable. But the double edge sword of revenge is that it will certainly keep us emotionally attached (in a toxic way) and as long as we're attached to them; they win.

Spell

[TheDude]

expos, I can understand your frustrations and desire to 'get revenge', as it were, but I'm not so sure that this would really achieve what you might think - at least not in this context. If you're already and currently in her 'black' zone, then wouldn't what you relayed to her be affirmation of her projections... . rather than being 'triggers'? It's also very possible that these recent exchanges are a precursor to yet more madness. Go back to NC, but be prepared... .

[expos]

expos, I can understand your frustrations and desire to 'get revenge', as it were, but I'm not so sure that this would really achieve what you might think - at least not in this context. If you're already and currently in her 'black' zone, then wouldn't what you relayed to her be affirmation of her projections... . rather than being 'triggers'? It's also very possible that these recent exchanges are a precursor to yet more madness. Go back to NC, but be prepared... .

Well - I'm done with her.  Plus, being nice to her got me nowhere with her in our marriage.  I established no boundaries.  So, I put her in her place on my way out.  I'm done being beta, I respect myself and I will not tolerate b!tchy emails like the one I received.  She can now project her lousy attitude on her new victim. 

I'm moving away, so we can't have a relationship anymore unless she chases me to Chicago.  She had plenty of time to reconcile with me after our separation, yet she did nothing.  Then, she essentially starts sleeping with a co-worker (quite an ugly one at that) 3 months after we are finished.  Can you say trainwreck?  

Oh, and the guy she's with now likes to check me out on LinkedIn... . creepy.

[charred]

The revenge thing doesn't work out well... . if it hurts them you are in essence hurting a disordered emotional 3 yr old... . not much of a win in that, and later you typically feel bad about it. I was crushed when my exBPDgf dumped me the first time (almost 30 yrs ago now) and saw her about 5 yrs later at a club with her room mate, so I left with the room mate and did her in my exgf's bed... . and wrote the exgf off. Years later (like 20)... . I got pulled back in to the r/s with the pwBPD and she took her pound of flesh for my taking revenge (I had forgotten about it... . pwBPD seem to really have good memories... . she didn't forget.)

The last few go rounds I gave up on revenge, wasn't badly hurt when she took up with another guy and figured good riddance, just went N/C... . next thing you know she is painting him black... . he gave her an STD and dumped her, and I just saw things more clearly really... . is that what I wanted... . no. But it made me smile a bit.

[TheDude]

I'm not there now, but was born & raised in Chicago. Look at it this way, you've already got the experience of disappointment and frustration... . you're pretty much already a Cub fan!  

[KellyO]

Who she sees after you have divorced because you wanted to separate is her business, not yours. 3 days, 3 months, so what? It is not your business after you have said you don't want to be with her anymore. And I can't see anything bhity about the e-mail she sent to you.

It is no business of yours who she is friends with.

I cannot even see what you are revenging here. You wanting to separate from her? You "tried to put her in her place" and say she was verbally abusive? I have a good idea it might have been vice versa.

[Clearmind]

If revenge had its desired affect we would exact revenge and then feel great from here on in - right? It rarely works like that.

If she is in a brand new relationship then her abandonment fears would not kick in.

Revenge can come at a price and its important to see the emotions that fuel revenge - anger and shame. The partners of Borderlines often feel slighted at the hands of our BPD partners - and revenge is a common theme I have seen on the board for the last 2 odd years.

So is it revenge or justice? If your partner is in fact BPD then you will not receive justice for all that you have endured. She is more likely to throw it back at you - possibly invalidating you further.

In any case, we all do things when we are fuelled by emotion. Sometimes we need to step back and be mindful of our reactions.

So what now expos... . how do you feel?

[Billa]

I understand your feelings, but I agree with Clearmind, Charred, Bdpspell... . We all have revenge fantasies. In these days I'm very angry and I have a lot of fantasies of that kind. I have also been thinking that I could e-mail him to do the same thing his recycled exGf did last summer, that is to say triggering his unstable sense of self telling him that his friends are badmouthing him, calling him so and so, and that they all know that he is dating his ex-Gf, even if he pretends she's only a friend, etc... . (he seems to panic at the idea that, among his friends, anyone could know he has a girlfriend, even if everyone who knows them both always understands what's going on... . they only pretend they don't). But, in the end, even if i know that i'd give them two days of hell, I'm not his selfish, narcissist exGf. So I'd feel very bad if I would act like her... . And I would get nothing from it.

[changingme]

expos,

I am not sure revenge exists in the BPD world.  Your ex sent you an email and said do not contact me and you did.  Even if the response was a negative or positive one, a response is still a response.  It is something to let her know you cared or felt enough to provide one.  To me, your description of "revenge" sounds more like you put yourself in your place.  You set your boundary, you turned a new page for yourself, you drew the line in the sand and jumped over with strength.  I think that is something that deserves a thumbs up!    I don't think you were out of line or cruel, I think you were just straight forward, however I don't think this will be the last time she will contact you.  Your new true test will be to have the strength to let is go next time, that is total control on your part of the situation.   Best of luck!

[Rose Tiger]

It's odd how that no matter how we say it, we never get 'heard'.  That goes for during the r/s when we try a million ways to explain something but it doesn't get through.  That goes on to trying to hurt after the r/s is done, it still doesn't get heard.  I do like that you felt strong enough to say your piece.  During the r/s it can be so eggshell talking.  Taking the gloves off is kind of a FREEDOM kind of moment. And it does feel good!

Now it should be easier to continue to detach.  How is it you know all these details about weddings and FB friends?  That kind of insider info has got to stop, can you make that happen?

[musicfan42]

I didn't want revenge. I knew that if I did something to get back at him, my BPD ex would want the last word! For me, dumping him WAS the revenge. I actually think it can be extremely dangerous to try to get revenge on a pwBPD-look at the Jodi Arias case... .  I wonder whether any borderline would flip and become violent when rejected so no, I wasn't going to do that!

I think I'm more passive-aggressive though... . when I hate someone, I just cut someone out of my life and move on. Silence can be the cruelest thing you can do to someone... . not giving them the attention they so badly crave! If you keep responding all the time, then they're in control... . they're getting the reaction that you want. It's all just a game to do them and they will do anything to win.

I agree with rosetiger-how are you getting all these details about weddings etc? I literally have no idea what my BPD ex is doing now and what's more, I don't want to know either.

[fromheeltoheal]

When the abuse was painful enough to break through my denial I left and completely disappeared.  I was sane enough to realize there is no winning, the disorder makes it lose-lose for both partners, and I needed to cut my losses and take care of me, since she certainly wasn't.

Everything I've done since the day I left has been for me and for the right reasons.  And it is not lost on me that her biggest fear is that of abandonment, I abandoned her, she knows it, and I gotta admit, it feels good.  Plus since I've gone completely NC and ignored all of her attempts at contact, she has no idea what I've been up to, and her mind will wander where it will, maybe to the awesome upgrade she thinks I've made since I left.  Whatever, doesn't matter, that's the closest thing to closure I'm ever going to get, and I wish her well, somewhere else.

[Rusalka]

There is no such thing as "revenge" for BPD people. You just gave her a nice big flag to wave around and cry and she will get tons of attention, affection, etc because her big mean ex was a jerk to her when all she wanted was to move on wah wah. Maybe you feel okay but trust me she is milking it all for what it is worth and enjoying every minute of it.

In the end, you have to be a strong enough person not to play mind games, not to lash out and try to hurt others, and be adult in your dealings with people, even people who have hurt you. The only person who is hurt by dealing with petty concerns like "revenge" is yourself, because treating others with a lack of respect and hurtfully only makes you feel empty later on.

We are all only human, and of course that means it is okay that you acted out in such a way. But try to learn from it and in the next instance perhaps you will be more compassionate and neutral in dealing with someone.

[expos]

How is it you know all these details about weddings and FB friends?  That kind of insider info has got to stop, can you make that happen?

She told me I she was seeing someone back in March, I had no clue who.

About two or three weeks ago, I attended a birthday party at a bar and ran into one of her co-workers.  The co-worker was looking at me really weird, and wondered what I was up to, and wondering if I was still married to her.  I said "no, why?"  

And she began to tell me the whole story.  This co-worker is Facebook friends with the guy my ex-wife is dating, and they began showing up in pictures together within the past few months, including the wedding.  All three of these people - the new guy, my ex-wife, the woman who told me - all work in the same company that I used to work at.  

In fact, I remember him walking by my cubicle a couple of times when I worked there 5 years ago.  I have no clue what she sees in him - he's very short, fat, not very good looking at all.  I'm the exact opposite - I'm 6-2, have 8% body fat, and I'm constantly told by my dates how handsome I am.  

I'm not intimidated by this guy at all (he's the one stalking me on Linkedin), but I'm just pissed on how my wife treated me when I was nothing but good to her even after the divorce.  Her tone in the email was incredibly b!tchy (i would rather not post the whole thing) and I'm sorry, but you don't pull that ___ with me.    

[expos]

There is no such thing as "revenge" for BPD people. You just gave her a nice big flag to wave around and cry and she will get tons of attention, affection, etc because her big mean ex was a jerk to her when all she wanted was to move on wah wah. Maybe you feel okay but trust me she is milking it all for what it is worth and enjoying every minute of it.

In the end, you have to be a strong enough person not to play mind games, not to lash out and try to hurt others, and be adult in your dealings with people, even people who have hurt you. The only person who is hurt by dealing with petty concerns like "revenge" is yourself, because treating others with a lack of respect and hurtfully only makes you feel empty later on.

We are all only human, and of course that means it is okay that you acted out in such a way. But try to learn from it and in the next instance perhaps you will be more compassionate and neutral in dealing with someone.

Not true, I was not vindictive or even mean in the response.  I just stated the facts and put her in her place.  Look, I'm not taking her back.  I can't.  I'm screwing someone else now. 

[VeryFree]

Not true, I was not vindictive or even mean in the response.  I just stated the facts and put her in her place.  Look, I'm not taking her back.  I can't.  I'm screwing someone else now. 

Interesting choice of words... .

Stating the facts always is a good thing, but we all know what these facts can do to a BPD. Their feelings aren't our concern, but our own feelings are. Knowing that you hurt another person for me always is painfull. I know I hurt my x, but I also know I didn't mean to.

I don't think revenge is the way to go. You only bring yourself down. Try to stand above those feelings: if you don't care about her anymore, care about yourself.

[motherof1yearold]

I agree with other posters; let yourself be free by not seeking revenge and acting on it.

It IS BPDer's who seek revenge after all, isn't it?

I don't see any good reason that you had to have that final stab, so maybe you should focus less on her and have some more insight about what is REALLY going on with YOU. She is not your concern... . You say you are 'screwing someone else' yet you still had to respond to her email. The worse you can do is be silent to someone.

[mcc503764]

I will agree with everyone else here... . "revenge" isn't as powerful as we may tend to think it is, or as meaningful as we would like it to be!  Especially to the BPD... . that's expecting normal emotions from a normal person... . is this the case?  Probably not. 

Detaching is a process and a part to detaching are forgiveness, and acceptance.  Does it feel good to imagine that we have hurt them for as much as they have hurt us?  It sure does, but again, remember what youre dealing with here... .

To me in my mind, there is nothing that I could possibly do that could really "hurt" her.  It's hard to admit it, but at the end of the day, I am just not that important to her... . I never was.  That's me ACCEPTING my place in her life.  Does it hurt?  Sure as HELL does. 

Do I need to take "revenge?"... . NO, there is NO need to.  To me, it takes too much energy out of you to harbor the hate involved to seek "revenge."  In my mind, that only effects ME, it prolongs the pain, and hampers MY healing... . I've noticed that once I let go of the hate, I felt much freer, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders... .

Remember, if she is BPD, I would like to think that's enough of a personal HELL to live in, and nothing that anyone could possibly do to them can compare to that!  In the end, the disorder will always win!

MCC

[dsmoody23]

I sympathize with and fully understand the desire to get 'revenge,' or whatever it would be called.

Recently, I got a weird set of texts from my ex which started out like some normal attempt to catch up, or just say hello. After a bit, and despite my attempts to lead the conversation elsewhere, she found a way to work in a pretty graphic description of her current sex life. There was absolutely no intent other than to try and hurt me, and she was almost gleefully malicious about it.

So, I finally just let out all the things I'd been holding in since the relationship began and ended.

For the first time ever, I didn't pull any punches and didn't attempt to water down anything I actually wanted to say.

I treated her the same way I would treat a stranger who was deliberately offensive or rude. And it felt GREAT. 

I know the common thread here is that they're their own worst enemy, and that there's nothing we can do to them that they haven't already done to themselves, but honestly... .

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

[expos]

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

Exactly my point.  What makes my ex-wife, anyone sane or insane, so special that they can't be on the receiving end of any discipline?  Aren't we done walking on eggshells? 

If I would have written a passive "I'm so sorry baby" email back to her, it just reinforces her lousy behavior. 

[Sleep doc]

Saying nothing worked for me personally but I think it doesn't work for everyone.  What I learned in my odessey is to thine oneself be true.  If this gives you a sense of self that you need then by all means go for it man.  I think the way abuse for some people stops is when they acknowledge they are being abused and inform the other party they won't take it anymore.

All of us on here are just offering our opinion and sometimes we forget that it is just that - OUR opinion.  What I have learned is that sometimes people just want to be heard - not validated, or forgiven - just heard.  So expos - I hear ya, I feel ya and I can tell you from personal experience that you will LOVE Chicago and more importantly you will learn to really love yourself again.  Good luck man and I'm glad you were able to get it off your chest.

[charred]

You don't "discipline" your partner... . you discipline a child when you are their parent. You are not the parent and they are not a child, and certainly not your child... . they are disordered. The advice not to seek revenge is because it is wrong to seek it... . seek something worth seeking, like real acceptance of the situation. If you truly understand them... . then its just being mean to try to discipline or hurt them for revenge. Understanding them, is painful, it could mean realizing you didn't matter much to them when they meant the world to you... . which is hard for our ego to take. But if it is the reality of the situation, the only way to deal with it successfully, is going to be accepting reality and then deciding what you are going to do.

Its tough being a  grown up, tougher trying to do the right thing, and insanely hard being in an r/s with a disordered person.  

A big part of the healing process is stepping back and taking them off of a pedestal of perfection and seeing them as they are. Believing they are your soul mate, the perfect person, and that you are defective or else they wouldn't have ended it... . is buying in to their disorder.

[understated]

I'm sorry that you were hurt by your ex and I can totally understand the desire for revenge. I do wonder though, how the new woman you are courting would feel about being called no more than "decent" and being someone new that you are "screwing". Most women tend to view sex in different terms than that. I realise you don't elaborate much on your new relationship, I'm just saying that if it were me I would feel disrespected.

[morningagain]

What underlies one's desire for revenge?  The act of revenge is disordered.  

While the feeling of wanting revenge may be a sign that you are getting up off the mat, at some point - hopefully before real harm is done - we can look back at ourselves and figure out why we put ourselves through the abuse, and change ourselves.  

Our BPD ex's will not set upon the road to their own healing by someone else setting about and following through on hurting them.  That is what caused their disorder in the first place.  Typically by their own parents, their mother almost certainly.  As it is, a BPD has a particularly difficult time discerning when someone is trying to hurt them or not, and an obvious attempt to hurt them will only increase their pain and paranoia - and provide justification for their own reactions and beliefs.

And acting out with vengeance only strengthens our own attachment to the wounds.

[VeryFree]

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

[morningagain]

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

VeryScared, very well put.

And to answer dsmoody23, with respect I hope, "no, treating someone with constant consideration is not to our own detriment.  It is when we permit the trampling of our values by others and participate in the trampling of our values that is to our own detriment.  VeryScared listed a few ways that I have also trampled my own values.  And I can add many more - like avoiding my children to placate wife, failing to tend to my job, agreeing with statements I disagree with, arguing incessantly when I am obviously getting nowhere, etc."  And I did all of these things and more out of fear of losing her, rather than facing my fear and accepting the consequences of calm, reasonable, loving acts that nevertheless may have upset her.

I put my fears ahead of my values.  I may not have known exactly how to establish and enforce boundaries, but I certainly did choose to cater to me fears rather than stand and live by my values.

[motherof1yearold]

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

Exactly my point.  What makes my ex-wife, anyone sane or insane, so special that they can't be on the receiving end of any discipline?  Aren't we done walking on eggshells? 

If I would have written a passive "I'm so sorry baby" email back to her, it just reinforces her lousy behavior. 

[b"What makes my ex-wife, anyone sane or insane, so special that they can't be on the receiving end of any discipline?"[/b]

You can't discipline your partner. Someone who has a mental disorder does not need discipline , they need actual treatment . Do you feel you 'disciplined her' by sending that e-mail? From what I could read from your posts, you basically exposed all of her vulnerabilities.

[fromheeltoheal]

The only way to survive in a r/s with a BPD is to enforce boudaries without compromise, or they will walk all over them, like a little kid, which is what they are.  I did not know that going in, and failed miserably.  I also now know that the r/s would not have gone very far if I did have strong boundaries, since my BPD ex wouldn't have pegged me as a good mark.  Insideous, and life's way of telling me I had growing to do.

[Rusalka]

Not true, I was not vindictive or even mean in the response. 

Well, I got my revenge

So, without typing the whole thing out, I sent a small paragraph to her that did two things that effect BPD’s the most.

1.  Abandonment fears

2.  Jealously

  I don’t have any remorse in burning her and triggering those BPD fears. 

Revenge is sweet. 

I'd hate to see what you think vindictive is.

Listen, you admit you still had feelings for her when you broke up and seem really bitter that she moved on. She tried to set a boundary and you trampled all over it. What if you wrote her asking for no contact and she wrote you all sorts of things that triggered pain and sorrow? If she HAS done this, try to remember how it made you feel. Part of healing and growing as a person is not giving into these childish feelings and understanding that no matter who the person is, sometimes the best response is not to respond.

It's not "discipline"  She isn't your child. She isn't your problem. You need to worry about YOU. It's not your job to put people "in their place" because you didn't put her anywhere but on a pedestal for others to admire that she is taking all this crap from her ex. Trust me, that is how she is spinning it.

[Rusalka]

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

sorry for the double post, but this is an amazing response and a million times better worded than anything I could say.

[fromheeltoheal]

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

Key points, well stated.  A very significant step prior to the above is the acceptance that the BPD sufferer is sick.  That was a very difficult and major shift initially, when I was enmeshed in the relationship, didn't know BPD even existing, and of course thought that if I could just give a little more, love a little harder, become who she needed a little more, then she would magically transform into the girl of my dreams and fantasies, of course fueled by her proclamations that everything was my fault.  What a living hell that was, and what an eye opener when I discovered she has a serious mental disorder and it wasn't me!  WooHoo!  And eventually when the buzz of blaming her wore off I started looking at my part, why I was so susceptible, why I ignored so many red flags, why I lived in denial in the face of complete crap; growth opportunities all.

It's natural to want revenge on people who harm us.  At this point however I've accepted that although she knows what she does, she has very little or no idea why, is mostly incapable of seeing the world beyond herself due to the continual chaos between her ears, and lives in a perpetual hell that I had the courage to leave, and she's stuck there.  I also know that a BPD's biggest fear is that of abandonment, and I disappeared completely, so I hurt her where it hurts most, even though I was focusing on taking care of me, not hurting her.  I've now developed compassion for her, and really hope she gets some help and finds a decent amount of contentment and peace, although it will take a lot of work, and I need to keep my distance for my own sanity.  Ugly disorder.

[danley]

Thoughts of revenge has crossed my mind after my ex broke up with me. I know every little thing that gets under his skin as he is hypersensitive and let's me know verbally or thru body language that he's bothered. I've thought about dating others after he ended things because I know he'd get mad. I've thought about ignoring him as tho he didn't exist because I know he'd not handle the cut off of complete contact. I've thought about going to certain destinations that we planned on together but to make him upset, go on my own or better yet with my friends. But after thinking things thru I realized that I didn't wanna play these childish games.

I didn't date others even tho I have many prospects. I'd be setting myself and someone else out for disappointment because I'd be lying if I said I was over my ex completely.  I am not the type of person to ignore people. And as for the destinations,  I don't have a desire to go with anyone else or myself. So I made a new checklist of destinations and have been traveling to them. It's like a fresh start for myself.

After my ex acted a fool for the last few months and had done things that in my opinion was out of spite and revenge, I digressed after a while. His wrath wasn't as piercing or fresh as it was months ago. I needed him to know that nothing he did or said could affect me anymore like before. After a while he probably realized we weren't butting heads and I wasn't playing his games of anger and fighting. I felt like all the anger made him feel superior and the more I fought back it fueled him harder. Once I stopped he had No fuel to keep his anger blazing. I believe this is when he began to focus on his other emotions because I wasn't there to duel with him anymore.

Revenge sounds nice but most times it's just a waste of energy and time.

[mcc503764]

[/quote]
VeryScared, very well put.


I put my fears ahead of my values.  I may not have known exactly how to establish and enforce boundaries, but I certainly did choose to cater to me fears rather than stand and live by my values.[/quote]
This is a good point, as I found myself doing exactly the same thing... . I lost all of my values, my values became her values, I was afraid to express my values and be myself because I was afraid of the consequences of doing so... . (withholding emotion, silent treatment, withholding sex, etc... . )

Nasty emotional roller coaster of a relationship, that's for sure.  Having been through all of that, I now am looking at myself and addressing WHY I would let another person treat me like that?  Why did I accept that?  That's where I am at!

MCC

[VeryFree]

The key to the solution imho is to learn about the needs you had and possibly have. To learn how thos needs can be filled in a healthy way.

When we succeed at that, there's no more room for BPD in our lives. It's at that specific moment that we don't need them anymore.

I'm learning about my needs. I'm learning about my past-r/s of 10 yrs with my stbxBPDw. About 7 months ago we split up in nasty conditions. The contact since was very bad. I'm on NC for some time now (1.5 months or so). A month ago I wrote somewhere on these boards: I don't want her back, but I don't know what will happen if she rang my doorbell tonight.

Now I still don't know exactly, but I know my back is straighter than a month ago. And a LOT straighter than half a year ago.

I think that's because I'm learning about my needs and knowing that my x didn't fill those needs. She only seemed to do that, but looking back it wasn't real.