How to let go.

[xandrew245x]

I am new here, I am currently trying to detach from my ex wife who I strongly believe has BPD. My whole story is under the new member section.

I have been with her for over 3 years, I thought things were going well, other than the outbursts and fights. Her wanting a divorce and having a another man involved is a lot of me to take all at once. I have been very depressed since it happened, and I have been very angry about her being with this other guy. She has already met his parents, and she brought him to her moms house for them to meet, and that almost sent me over the edge.

I want to move on from this very toxic relationship, but this is the worst pain I have ever felt, and I don't want to let her go. I have admitted myself to counseling and I start Tuesday.

I know this is the right place for me to be, and I know this is the best decision for me in the long run, but right now it all seems so wrong.

[Want2know]

There is a lot to learn and go through during the grieving and detachment phases which you can read about in the Lessons on this board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).  It's rough... . we've all been there (and some still there). 

I want to share with you something that a friend sent me yesterday since the title of your thread reminded me of it:

Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

   it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

   it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

   it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

   it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

   but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

   but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

   but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

   but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

   it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

   but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

   but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew245x

my ex BPD partner and I were together for a little over four years. For three and a half of those years she was an alcoholic.  She always blamed me for not moving forward but she had nothing to offer me.being drunk.all the time. Plus she would put me.down and belittled me. She isolated me from family and friends. I played a part too. I allowed her  to do these things to me. I started counseling. She finally went and got meds to stop drinking but refused counseling. As I went to counseling I got stronger an  placed boundaries and what I would put up with as far as verbal and emotional abuse. As I got stronger she got more distant. Then she just left me three months ago. She told me she was moving in with a new bf and they were going to be a family with her kids. I was shocked. Never saw it coming. I thought we were doing ok. That news almost put me over the edge. Counseling friends this website and medication helped me and continue to help me everyday. It is a tremendous struggle. A breakup with a BPD is beyond painful. She continues to text me and tell me she is unhappy and wants me back. I struggle with it because I do love her. Hang in there. Stay positive and stay busy. You can do it and it takes time so be patient.

[xandrew245x]

She blamed me for a lot of things, and she made me feel like my anger was the downfall of our relationship, and that I was emotionally abusive to her every single day. The only thing I can think of that maybe pushed her is I started getting tired of things and I was threatening to leave her. I don't know if she thought I was becoming stronger and actually possibly going to leave or what. I was completely shocked by all of this, and I never saw it coming because like you said, I really thought things were doing a lot better than they ever have.

I can tell she is unhappy, and when she came back to see me all those times, it was very hard on me every time she came and then left again. I know there is more going on between her and this other guy, and I think it bothers me even more that she is lying to me about it. She also tried to come between me and my parents. She would always try to cause problems within my family, saying she said this, or he said that, she just tried to make drama, when all of the things she said were not true. She also even told my parents that I never wanted to go out or do anything. When I found out about this, I was really baffled, because, I had always tried to make plans with her, and she never ended up wanting to do anything.

I know I can get through this, its going to be tough, but I can do it.

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, she still is saying I was abusive, both physically and emotionally and that is why she can't continue our relationship. But then she turns around and says its both our fault. I can't believe that when she won't even admit anything she did was wrong. She really believed staying at that guys house, in his bed while being married to me was completely fine of her.

It would really frustrate me that she wouldn't do anything, but as soon as a friend asked her to do something, she would ready to go, and I wasn't invited. Here are a couple of examples which especially made me upset. We had made plans to go swimming at her moms, well we went up and I waited and waited, we still hadn't swam, then we were getting ready to, and her friend texted her and asked her to go to the drive ins. She asked me if she could go, and I said well we had plans, but I guess, could I maybe come along. She told me no I wasn't allowed to and left.


Another time was after she told me she wanted a divorce, now we were still sleeping in the same bed together, and everything seemed fine. I made plans with her to go out to eat at a nice restaurant. Closer to the end of the day I asked her if we were still going, she said well I don't feel so well, I don't think so. I said okay, I will make us a nice dinner and we can watch a movie. She agreed. She got upset about something later that day and got into an argument, I was upset with the whole divorce thing so I told her she needed to get out of my life if she really was leaving. The fight ended and it just returned to normal. Well I told her right before I was going to leave work that I would see her at home I was going to start dinner, she says to me "Oh I am not eating with you, my friend invited me to his birthday party and I am going, I figured since you told me that earlier that you didn't want to have dinner anymore. I said well I do, and I will make it for you. she says "well no, its to late now I have other plans, left straight from work, didn't' come up until very late, I didn't even see her. This was unbelievable hurtful to me, I didn't understand how someone who says they loved me could do something like that.

She always made me feel guilty about everything, and I know once this divorce is finalized and she is moved out of my life, she is going to start contacting me and trying to come back. I know she won't ever be happy, unless she seeks help.

[willtimeheal]

It always surprised me that someone who said I was  the love of their life and soul mate could just up and leave and shack up with someone new in less than a month. What shocks me is that she is telling me she  is not happy and doesn't want this guy. She wants me. She loves me. Then what is the problem?  Tell the poor dude the truth. He deserves to know that the feelings he has for her are not returned. He deserves to be able to find someone who loves him. But BPDs don't think like that. They don't want to be alone. So she will string him along an  then crush him. And she will crush me too if I allow her too. So be careful when she contacts you. Protect yourself. BPDs look out for themselves and  their own needs. It is good you are  getting help. That was the best thing is did for myself. Keep posting and take it day by day.

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, I know she doesn't love this guy that she is with now, and I know he has strong feeling for her. He is going to get crushed by her, and I feel really bad for him. I will not ever let her back in my life.

[Octoberfest]

Letting go... . what an elusive concept... .


To know that she could never give you what you so desperately wanted

To know that continuing to talk to her isn't going to make anything better

To know that you can't go back in time and undo all that happened, everything that means you can never go back to her

To feel so empty inside, so aimless, so worthless



Yeah... . It's funny, in my posts about a month ago people were telling me "oh good job, you are so far along the process, your advice is so great"... . And I am back at square one.

[Want2know]

Yeah... . It's funny, in my posts about a month ago people were telling me "oh good job, you are so far along the process, your advice is so great"... . And I am back at square one.

The process of fully detaching and grieving ebbs and flows.  It's not a straight line to fully being 'over' our ex's.  There are some moments where you may think 'if I had just done this, it might have been different'.  This is debatable.  Some things may change, but what will not change is that she has a disorder that will be there her whole life.  Therapy can help, however most pwBPD do not pursue this.

I see the folks on the Staying board struggling daily.  They are really trying to make it work.  It's really difficult to watch because you want to say 'why are you even trying?'.  I have a lot of respect for their efforts.  Most of those trying to stay in the r/s are giving up a lot of what they need and desire to remain in their r/s - many because they have children together and feel it is the right thing to do.

Yeah, I know she doesn't love this guy that she is with now, and I know he has strong feeling for her. He is going to get crushed by her, and I feel really bad for him. I will not ever let her back in my life.

It's good you can see this now.  Stick with that thought, as it is a powerful one.  Sometimes seeing your r/s from an outside perspective can help you remain objective.  That is going to be the key to you detaching from her - remaining as objective as you can, assessing your emotions with a wise mind.  Have you read the Wise Mind workshop?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[bpdspell]

Letting go is always the toughest part because it encompasses the knowing that we deserve better.  We tend to hold on to them when we inherently believe that we deserve the ___ treatment they give us. We think that playing nice with them will model to them how they should treat us. We believe we deserve to be not valued and disrespected and usually this belief stems from our own childhood issues.

When our worth and esteem is at rock bottom it's difficult to believe that with self-investment and the currency of time that it can increase. But we can grow into loving ourselves enough to know that they will never be the answer to our happiness. We are the answer to our own happiness.

In the name of BPD love my ex cheated on me several times. I even found a woman in his bed and it nearly ripped my guts out. He manipulated money out of me. My ex abandoned me when I became pregnant. My ex lied to others about being physically abusive with me. My ex felt entitled to emotionally abuse me. He blamed me for all of his actions. And you know what? I took him back and accepted all of the blame because I didn't believe I deserved any better. I felt worthless and deserving of his twisted reality. Even when my gut was kicking and screaming to remove myself from this man.

But in my mind things were going well because the sex was good and I didn't believe I deserved better. In my codependence I thought that if I tried harder to fix, mend, act different, repair, or shrink myself that he'd see my worth and that I'd finally be loved to wholeness. I was very ignorant of my own condition.

Most of our BPD's treat us like crap because they know our self esteem is in the gutter. They know they can manipulate us and triangulate us and seduce us because we have shown them our hearts and our vulnerabilities and they use this against us.

When we go NC we are giving ourselves permission to be strong for ourselves and not waiting for them increase or boost our self-worth. This power or magic wand that we think they have is a mirage, a delusion, a lie we tell ourselves because we don't want to look in our own mirrors and do the hard work of loving ourselves back to wholeness.

You let go because they have violated us and are prone to violate. You let go because they cannot be trusted. They are emotionally sick in the head and heart. They are deeply character flawed. They learned how to survive by abusing others. We did not make them that way. We cannot accept responsibility for their lies and twisted pretzel logic.

You let go when you believe in your heart and soul that you deserve better.

Spell

[ScotisGone74]

I agree fully with Want2Know, the whole process of detachment for us Non's is not something you could easily put upon a graph and show how it goes on a linear line, rather it is more like a two steps forward, one step back

process, it was for me anyway.   I think that most of us had real love we gave these people and we didn't want to give up on someone we loved.  I geuss the other issue is during the entire relationship with my exBPD she was constantly letting me know how lucky I was, how many others would love to have her, and well you get the idea, the manipulation was non stop.  I geuss one of the most hurtful things is that I've witnessed that BPD's do is to use their knowledge of us to their advantage, to make us feel guilty, to make us feel bad for them, things that we confided or shared with them is one of their primary weapons against us. 

8 months now NC and I'm just now to a healthy point I believe, I'm really glad to be away from the crazy making, manipulation, and lies.  Life is soo much more simple, and less nerve wracking without it. 

[xandrew245x]

I am really having a hard time at this, a month has passed and I only feel worse. I had to remove her as a friend from facebook today because she posted a thing that said "be with a man who" and it was a list of good qualities in a guy. She was basically rubbing in my face that she is with a guy who "treats her right". When I saw it I lost control and became extremely angry.

I am not a strong person, I had always had very low self esteem, and she knew it, and I think that is why she picked me as a target. I gave this girl all my heart, I loved her more than anything, and I would have layed my life down for her any day and I still would now. I want to make it work, but I know at this point our relationship would just be a constant battle of yelling at each other, putting each other down, and physical fights. Not something I really want to put myself through, but I love her.

I feel like I have hit an all time low, never have I in my life ever felt this way. I never did anything to deserve something like this. I love her family, her little sister was like a sister to me, our families got a long, and we all lived within 5 minutes of each other and grew up around here, it was such a perfect background for a relationship. This is so hard.

Tuesday I am breaking off contact for good, the only way counseling is going to help is if I stop talking to her as well.

[Sparky2Blame?]

We feel your pain Andrew.  I think that most all of us have been there and can empathize.

Unfortuantely theres no magic advice that will make the hurt go away. Nor any that will make the letting go any easier.  It will be a challange.  Just be patient with yourself.  Accept the all the random feelings that you go through.  Greive as you need.  Eventually it starts to get easier.

Focus on yourself and take care of you right now.  Keep preoccupied with other things.  Eat healthy.  Force yourself out of the house (especially when lacking the motivation).  Try to get sleep.  Exercise.  Sun (vitamin D). Friends & Family.  Browse the posts, here.  Share as you need.

And I think that getting counseling set-up was a great step!

There is a lot to learn and go through during the grieving and detachment phases which you can read about in the Lessons on this board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).  It's rough... . we've all been there (and some still there). 

I want to share with you something that a friend sent me yesterday since the title of your thread reminded me of it:

Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

   it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

   it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

   it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

   it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

   but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

   but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

   but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

   but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

   it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

   but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

   but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

I really like that... .   Thanks for sharing!  Going to make a poster out of it and hang it up where I can see it everyday.

[Jep]

Lots of great stuff posted here. I really relate to the ebb and flow of detaching. I feel the pain comes in waves. Sometimes just lapping at your feet, but then a storm will brew. Waves will crash in, smash me to the bottom, and let me come up just for a quick breath of air.

I'm only two weeks out of a 9 year r/s. It is VERY hard.

The quote from want2know is awesome. It made me feel better today.

[xandrew245x]

I know what you mean it comes in waves. There is times I feel completely fine, I am happy being out of this relationship, then the next second it hits me, and it hits me hard. Since that happened yesterday, I haven't been able to get rid of this bad feeling.

I have thought back to this, I started thinking maybe I am the person that has the problem and she was just living in my hell. The more I think about it, not only did she have an impact on me, she had an impact on or dog. I remember every time we fought, he would come cower in fear behind me, and I would even say to her look how bad you scare him. But I was always the one that was so bad by what she said. Also, we had to start putting him in a crate while we were gone, he would rip stuff up.

Ever since she moved out, I haven't had him in crate one single day, and he hasn't touched anything.

[lrngfrommistakes]

I have been through the pain too, Andrew. It IS terrible, but you will get through this. 

[xandrew245x]

I don't know, I just feel like maybe I am the one who has a problem, and that I turned her into the person she was. I don't ever remember being like this before. I mean I have always had an anxiety problem, but I was in a 2 year relationship prior to her, I was still very immature then, but the whole time I was with her, I don't think me and her ever really had a fight other than the stupid highschool drama stuff. I don't ever recall having angry feelings and feeling so bad about myself like I did when I was with her.

From what I recall my relationship prior to her was good, we were both happy, but it ended because of some unfortunate events that neither of us could control. Like I said through that whole relationship I never felt so much anger or pain in my life like I did in my last relationship. I often think that maybe it was me who had the problem, but none of these things happened until she came into my life.

They are indeed very good at blaming you and making you feel bad about yourself and like it was your fault. I can't remember telling her on multiple occasions that she had changed, that the way she was acting was not the real her, and that the way she was acting was not the person I fell in love with. I can remember first saying that about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. I had said it multiple times throughout our relationship as well, and her answer was always, "well you made me this way, this is what you wanted, I can't change back". I always wondered to myself how on earth did I ever make her that way. All I ever had done was supported her, been by her side through everything, gave her all my love, but I changed her into the person I no longer liked?

I have always though some animals can sense things people can not. I know almost every time we would get into a fight he would run and hide, he would usually try to hide under me, which baffled me, because in my eyes I thought I was being just as mean and hurtful back, I didn't understand why he would come to me for safety. I often would tell her how she was scaring him, and she would just say "well he is just a big baby" so once again, she was blaming it on something else.

Yes, this is very terrible pain, I think it hurts the most, because in my eyes, a normal person would fight to try to save the marriage vs. try harder to purposely destroy and end what shattered pieces were left of it. Now I think back and wonder if the only reason she was in a relationship with me is because I was a week person and she knew it from the start. I feel like I have been used for the past 3 years, and put through hell and back multiple times. I am no angle, I have certainly done things wrong, but if I would have knew about this disease a long time ago, I would have defiantly approached it with a different angle.

I have been talking to her some, I have been getting a lot more out of her than I ever have the whole time we were together.

She really hates herself, she thinks she is an awful person. I think until she was about 8, her father was in her life, after her sister was born 8 years after her, her father left her life. He met another women, and when she was around 10 or 11, she started going there every other weekend. By what she has told me, her stepmother abused her very badly, and she never told anybody about it. She hates herself for not telling anybody and she is mad at herself for it.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew

You did not make her into the person she is. Her childhood and upbringing and her self hate shaped her long before you ever met her. She is a three year old trapped in an adult body when it comes to emotions. I struggle with what could I have done everyday. I question whether it was me with my depression that pushed my BPD. People with BPD don't think logically. They don't think like us. They distort reality to fit their version which is a fantasy. They are  looking for someone to come in a swoop all the pain and suffering away. Life doesn't work like that. Normal people understand that. BPDs think there is some magical potion that brings happiness and when you don't supply it they paint you black and leave. If you are talking to her be careful. It is easy to get sucked back in. I want nothing more than my bod back so I understand but each time they recycle you the pain is more difficult to get thru.

[xandrew245x]

As much as I want her back, I know I couldn't do it, and I have my family behind me to support and be my rock on that decisions. What I do want is her to get better. I know she feels this guy has come to rescue her from her pain, she said she felt the same way when me and her started dating each other. I am trying to be here for her and support her, I want her to feel comfortable with me and see me as a friend, and be able to talk to me about things. I know deep down I am a strong person, I am the kind of person who doesn't just give up on something easily, and I wouldn't take the easy way out of a situation.

She always told me I was clingy, and needy and not independent enough and she just couldn't deal with that kind of person. When I dated my previous girlfriend, I don't ever remember being clingy, I mean we didn't see each other all that much, and we only talked in the evenings until she got a cell phone and then we texted through the day, but I was never super clingy to her. I was pretty clingy to my ex because she led me on to believe that what she wanted, because she was just as attached to me.

I completely agree with the three year old trapped in an adult body, she couldn't even take care of herself properly. Like I said I did all the cleaning, most of the cooking and all the laundry. If she did cook, she would leave a giant mess. Her personal hygiene was awful, sometimes not showering for days. Instead of looking through the laundry basket for clean clothe, she would keep a pile of dirty clothes and just change clothes throughout the week from that pile. She would go on spending sprees and she would binge eat like crazy at times. One time I thought she was pregnant because her appetite exploded.

I did everything I could to make her happy, I know I was angry and I know I lashed out and put her down too, but I still tried whatever I could to make her happy. I did get to the point that I realized nothing I would do would make her happy. Now I really understand it is almost impossible for them to be happy.

[xandrew245x]

So I went ahead and took the right step forward. I blocked her from facebook, I told her that I am going going to be talking to her, and for her to not talk to me. If she needs to contact me, her mom has my number and she can talk to me through her. I am starting counseling tomorrow.

[lrngfrommistakes]

Andrew,

I agree with Willtimeheal. Be very careful communicating with her. I think that you are just setting yourself up for more pain, and that will lengthen your healing time. I think she needs to change and fix herself before she will be ready to be in a healthy relationship. Until she does, she will just keep hurting you or others.

I know it is painful but it does get better as long as you DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOURSELF! I wish I could tell you what that is, but only you can try to think it through with a clear mind (and input from trusted support) and make that decision.

I have been through two of these relationships. Here is a little story from my last one: After my ex dumped me for someone else without even telling me, I was in so much pain that all I could do was ask myself what I did wrong. I would also wonder how she could love me so much one day and dump me the next. I asked her why she would start dating someone without telling me and she said it was "AWKWARD". That caused me to wonder and suffer even more. I decided for own sanity I had to begin NC.

After about 6 months, her new relationship soured and she called. I was so happy! We started dating again. She even asked me to marry her and I accepted. Later she got angry and would not answer or return calls. This went on for two months. When I did get in touch with her, I asked her if she wanted to get together to talk about whatever I had done to make her angry. She said "I can't. I am dating someone. I have moved on and you should too." They got married 6 months later. (and this was someone she had just met). If I had not got sucked back into that relationship, my pain would have been over much sooner and I could have moved on sooner.

I am still getting over her, but this site has helped me recognize that much of it was her issue, not mine. At least the guilt of thinking I had destroyed the relationship is gone and I understand her actions a little better now. I am not saying I was perfect either. I did make some mistakes, but I am trying to learn positive lessons from my mistakes to make me a better person. I can not help her, only she can do that. All I can do is try to make myself better.

I guess the moral of my story is to be very careful before deciding to get back with a BPD. It could happen, and you may regret it later.

Do I still love my ex BPD? Yes, unfortunately! Do I expect to hear from her again sometime? Yes. I don't think her marriage will work out. Do I want her back? No (Maybe if she were to get help), but I am not going to wait around for her. If that happens, it will be her loss more than mine!

[lrngfrommistakes]

I posted my last post before I saw your last post. Good for you! I think you are on the right path.

[xandrew245x]

I am moving on from this mess. I still can't help but feel that I  had a lot to do with her leaving, its tearing me apart, and also knowing that she had another guy lined up before she even left me. I too am very confused on how just the days leading up to this, we were cooking dinner together and living what seemed a normal life. We seemed good. Then I had the shock of my life. I am glad that she did it, instead of seeing this guy more behind my back.

I can almost put a guarantee on it that her relationship with this guy will not last, I don't know how long it will take, but it will eventually end. When things go south between them, if she doesn't have another guy already, I know she will try to contact me. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to push this guy into marrying her.

I am going to do whatever I can to not get sucked back into this relationship, I know it was toxic, I know it has put a huge dent on who I am, I realized how much I changed throughout me and her's relationship. Some of the change was for the good, but a lot of it was for the bad. I really enjoyed playing online video games with my friends, she never liked that I played as often as I did, so I eventually ended up quitting that all together. I never really went out with my friends, she always wanted to sit at home, so I hated to go out without her because she made me feel bad that she was getting left all alone. I did decide to go on a road trip with my friend for a couple of days, and it was great. But other than that, I never really got to see my friends unless they were over at the house with me. Since me and her have been apart, I have done more with my friends then I have the last year me and her were together.  She made my anxiety worse, she made me depressed, she made me believe I had a problem, she made a very angry person come out of me. A person I never want to be, ever.

I think in the future, I could take her back, but it would only be after she received help and was improving and actually wanted to commit to me, and only me. Then maybe I could consider being with her. But like you said, I am not going to wait around for it to happen. I am slowly starting to see how most of the problems between me and her, and with myself started because of her. Shortly after her wanting to divorce she actually had me convinced that I had separation anxiety and anger issues. It wasn't until someone pointed out to me, just from the story I had told them that it sounded like she had BPD, the more I researched and the more I observed her, the more obvious it became that she indeed did have it, and that maybe I really wasn't the one that has problems.

[xandrew245x]

Well, it happened already, that was quick. I had been texting her a lot the last couple of days because I couldn't control myself. I told her around 1 Pm today that she was not to talk to me, she said ok. Here it is 3pm and she already has texted me saying "Andrew I want you to know I care about you and I appreciate that you are trying to help me"

Now just earlier today and yesterday she was mad and upset that I was trying to help her, so tired of these flips!

[Octoberfest]

Andrew

You did not make her into the person she is. Her childhood and upbringing and her self hate shaped her long before you ever met her. She is a three year old trapped in an adult body when it comes to emotions. I struggle with what could I have done everyday. I question whether it was me with my depression that pushed my BPD. People with BPD don't think logically. They don't think like us. They distort reality to fit their version which is a fantasy. They are  looking for someone to come in a swoop all the pain and suffering away. Life doesn't work like that. Normal people understand that. BPDs think there is some magical potion that brings happiness and when you don't supply it they paint you black and leave. If you are talking to her be careful. It is easy to get sucked back in. I want nothing more than my bod back so I understand but each time they recycle you the pain is more difficult to get thru.

Quoted for truth... .

One of the hardest things for me has been accepting that things are what they are.  That the damage- the damage that prevented us from having a successful relationship, the damage that has left her so emotionally fragile, underdeveloped, and incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship- all occurred long before I ever met her.  That I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING AND MAKE IT WORK... . That has been the hardest pill to swallow.  The helplessness of the situation kills me.  It has always seemed to me throughout life that there is always something that can be done to fix something... . and knowing that events LONG ago affect her abilities to find happiness now kills me.  Just the injustice of it.  She didn't ask for it.

It kills me how clearly I can see her thought processes and how clearly they are flawed. I wish I could just make her see her actions and motives for what they are, and how broken and unhealthy they are.  I wish... .


That isn't part of letting go however.

[xandrew245x]

I know exactly what you mean. It sickens me to know her stepmother abused her, she told me in detail about the things she would do, and it is just horrifying that someone could do that to a kid. It makes me so angry because of the effect it has on her as an adult now. I think after what happened tuesday she may have opened her eyes, or the text message she sent me could just be another try to manipulate me. I don't know.

It kills me that I can't do anything about it. It all makes sense now, the senseless fits of rage she would go into over what seemed like such a meaningless problem. I can remember not to long ago she went into a fit of rage when she was making me eggs, she said she was making me an omlet, but she was making scrambled eggs. I kinda chuckled because I thought it was cute and I said "No you are making scrambled eggs" big mistake on my part, she went off on me over that. It hurts that I have no control over the situation, I have always been one who likes to be in control of my life and the situation, I really have taken a back seat, she has been in control over me for the past 3 years. It is just hard to sit back and know what is going on with her and not be able to do anything about it. I think she is serious about seeking further help, but they are just words, her actions will verify once she comes home.

Its kills me that I hadn't seen this before, maybe something could have been done then, or maybe it would have made things worse if I tried to push this on her while we were together. Once again I think back, and I start to wonder if maybe it was me causing the problems, maybe I have something severely wrong with me, or was it her actions that caused me to be like this? I know when I was single I never had a problem with anger, I was generally a happy person other than kind of wanting to have more friends. When she came into my life, I felt happier than I ever felt before, the sex came quick, and it was very very good for the first couple of months, and I think that is what bonded me so closely to her. Then She fell into a dark pit of depression, and things just went majorly downhill from that point on. I asked her when did it all start with me being mean to you. She said it started a little after we moved in together. I don't remember being all that mean to her, but I can remember things she did to me taht really hurt the fragile person I was.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew

There is nothing you could have done to help her. She has to want to seek treatment on her own. My ex BPD started treatment twice and went for a month or two before quitting both times. When I first met her I was fun and out going. I laughed a lot and was happy. When we started dating it was such a high and then slowly she isolated me from my friends and family. When I look back now and realize she doesn't have any friends except her family. Those are the only people she hangs out with and they are all.alcoholics.   She would get extremely jealous and angry if I did anything with my friends. She would accuse me of going out to pick up men. I just wanted to see my friends and have dinner. I became a very depressed and sad person during the course of our relationship and it made me angry. I went from this happy person to a person I didn't recognize. Everything circled around her mood and not upsetting her. My needs and wants were no longer even considered. But then she would complain that I was selfish and I was  like what?  As much as you want to help her you can't. You will end up just being hurt more. My bPD lined up another guy and left me. She went to visit friends and stayed with this guy instead. Lied to me the whole time. I thought she was  with her other friend. But when insane  her about it it was no big deal and I was  over reacting. Be careful. You can't help her. As much as you want to you can't. She will.suck you back in.

[Want2know]

Be careful. You can't help her. As much as you want to you can't. She will.suck you back in.

There is something about feeling like our ex's have all the power, and we are powerless that rings true with your comment.  You 'feel' like you could easily (or do) get sucked back into 'the dance'.  This is why I posted the thoughts in reply #1 about letting go - it is well within our power to not let this happen.

What I had to be honest with, when I was feeling the same way, is why was it I felt that my ex had that power over me?  What it came down to is I wanted back in the relationship.  I wanted to see if it could work under different circumstances.  I didn't want to let him go - wasn't ready, and when I took him back after our initial break up, nothing changed.  I finally realized that nothing would change, and all I could do was work on getting myself back without him.

It's a process... . I know.  Just be honest with how you feel and you can get through it with a little help from your friends here.  

[xandrew245x]

I honestly feel a lot better today, I decided to do no contact, I haven't talked to her since noon, and she has texted me twice already after I told her not to talk to me. She really didn't have friends either. Most of the time she would just sit at home, or go to the store or go hang out with her mother. That is really what her life was. Like I said when we were at college, she became good friends with a friend she had in highschool, that didn't last long. When we came back home, she reconnected with her old friend, before our wedding that friendship was once again lost. Her friend was supposed to be her maid of honor, and a month before the wedding she texted her and told her she couldn't afford to be in the wedding. So that cut off the friendship there. After some time passed, and a little motivation from me she started talking to her again, but didn't do much with her. Then again just recently she acquired a whole bunch of new friends including that same girl. I don't look for her friendships to last and her new relationship. When we came home, she became really close to my mom, and then suddenly one day, she just stopped going places with her.

She also manipulated me and made me feel guilty about seeing my friends and family. She would want me to go along with her to her moms and when I didn't want to go because I was so tired, or stressed, she would pull the whole card "well we see your family all the time, you never want to see mine, my mom even thinks you don't like her" It really upset me when she did that, I really liked her parents, a lot, but I didn't want to see them all the time. I hadn't just gone out with my friends, I do believe since I started dating her, other than when I went on a road trip with her. Every time I did something with my friends, I ALWAYS invited her, I wanted her to feel like she was wanted, because I really did want to hang out with her.  There wasn't one time, other than a few weeks after we started dating, that she invited me out with her friends. The only time I met her "best friend" was about a month after me and her started dating, we all went out to dinner together, but after that, I never saw her again.

I know nothing is going to change, and I am going to keep it that way, this is her battle, not mine anymore. I did everything I could, I was strong in our relationship, always hanging in there through all the tough times, and let me tell you one thing, there were a lot of tough times. I do believe it was well over a year where she didn't want to have sex at all, a lot of guys wouldn't deal with that.

Willtimeheal, I know exactly how you feel, it was always about her, she had to be happy, but she never once asked me how I felt, which really upset me. All I ever wanted from her was her to just ask me how I was doing, or if somethign was bothering me. I mean it was obvious when things were bothering me, and she would just say, well your being pissy, or you are being a dick. Those kind of thigns really pissed me off.

[pallavirajsinghani]

"Moving on" is a state of mind.  It is a process.  It does not happen overnight. 

It happens when you have superimposed enough normal, happy, comfortable layers of living to counter balance the negativity of the past experience.

And this process will take time and effort. Glad that you are getting counseling.

:-)

[xandrew245x]

Yes, I agree it is going to take some time to fully get over her. The first week or so after she left I was very hurt because my ultimate goal in life was to be married and have a family. I felt like I was so close to having those dreams. When me and her got together we were both sure we wanted to marry each other and have kids, I looked back at notes she wrote me and ones I wrote her, we had everything planned out together. The notes continued on into when we went to college, but she then slowly stopped writing them, even though I continued to. I stopped for a while, but then after we started working at the same place, she was a secretary, and I worked out in the field, so I didn't see her often, I would sometimes write her a note the night before and either leave it on her desk after she left or come in early and leave it for her. I always tried to let her know how much I really did love her, but I never received notes back. I figured she was just busy and forgot, so I took it lightly.

It was really nice because there for a couple of months before my grandmother died, we were going out to eat together a lot, and seeing movies and just going on dates. We all used to go out with my family Friday nights to dinner, she always seemed to look forward to going, and it made me so happy. This continued after my grandmother passed, but then around the time she was diagnosed with bipolar, she gradually stopped wanting to do things. Of course I just stayed in with her then.

Back to what I was saying, I really felt like my dreams were crushed, so I figured I'll just find a new girl to be with that will make me happy. Then someone pointed out to me that she showed symptoms of BPD, I did research and then I saw how it effected me, and all the extreme feelings I was having made sense. So I have vowed not to look for a girl until I feel I am better, I want to give any future parter of mine my 100% and I can't do that right now.

I went home from work last night and cried a good bit, I then felt a lot better. I felt good that she had texted me twice already and I was able to ignore her. It empowers me to be able to do that.

,

[xandrew245x]

I also wanted to share some more of my feelings. Part of the reason I also think this is so hard on me is because beside her possibly having BPD, she seems like the perfect girl for me.

I was always a bit shy(once I feel comfortable I don't shut up though ) and usually kept to myself, and stayed home most of the time. I have always had low self esteem, I'm not the most attractive guy, and I am not skinny, but i'm not fat either. I have never really been happy with my appearance, but never really made much of an effort to change it. I figure I want someone to love me for who I am, not how I look. So when I met this girl, she was ideal, short blond hair, blue eyes, excuse me for saying this ,but big breasts(come on guys, you know you like them), she wasn't super skinny, she had some curve to her which I loved. So when she was attracted to me, I felt like I was the luckiest guy on earth to have caught someone like that. We shared a lot of similar interests like camping, video games, watching movies and tv series and just vegging out at home some days. We both enjoyed going to new restaurants either being a local diner, or a large food chain, and we often talked about starting a blog about restaurants we eat at, and we even talked about starting one about meals we cooked our self. I have been told I am a really good cook by a couple people, and I always thought she was very good too, and she enjoyed it, but the motivation was not there for her to stick to it.

At times it seemed like we were always on the same page (I would assume when she split me white) and other times we couldn't agree on anything and we would end up in a large, stupid argument(splitting me black) I have to admit, after my grandmother died I believe I started splitting her black myself, I focused on all the negatives she did, and I know I was downright mean to her at times which was awful of me. I always tried to apologize for everything I did wrong, and admitted to her I was wrong about it. I think someone asked me if she ever apologized or admitted she was wrong about something. The answer to that is really no, we had so many fights, scraps, arguments over stupid things, I usually always ended up apologizing because I really felt they were my fault, I would ask her to just please apologize when I knew she was wrong and she would give me the sarcastic and meaningless "i'm sorry" and that would be that. The first real apology I actually received from her was the tuesday that she completely blew up at me. After she went home she called me and said "I am extremely sorry for what I did, I was completely out of line, and it was completely wrong of me, and all my fault, it will not happen ever again" I don't know if her mom made her apologize, or if she really did feel that bad about it, I will never really know.

So other than the fighting and being put down and her anger issues, I really did believe she was the perfect girl for me, and I'm kind of afraid I won't find any other like her. I always loved blond hair and blue eyes so it was the perfect combination. When we started dating I remember saying to myself "you are the luckiest guy on the planet", I told everybody about me and her, and I was proud to call her my girlfriend.

I really do believe now though, the girl that she put on to be in the beginning is really the person stuck behind this illness, she is caring, loving, funny, very smart, very artistic, a great lover, and so much more. The girl she was in the beginning is the girl I could be happy with for my entire life, and that is the girl I hope comes back some day. I can remember after I noticed her starting to change, that I hoped and prayed that it was just something she was going through and she would bounce back. I am sure you guys know exactly what I mean. I look back on it now, and I can see how her and my behavior slowly destroyed our relationship. I still don't understand why she pushed so hard to marry me, she keeps telling me she thought it would make me change and our relationship would get better. I remember for a couple weeks after getting married things were great, I was extremely happy, she seemed very very happy, she even went out and bought sexy clothes for her to wear for me. I was loving the married life, and she seemed to as well. I thought it was actually going to work. I can remember before the wedding, she was very stressed, and she was lashing out at her family, I remember the day before she threw a huge temper tantrum with her mother. I know after the wedding was over there was a huge stress relief, we received a good bit of money from gifts, and things were very low stress. I think this is why things were going so smoothly between us at that point. I remember how instead of having sex, we sat there and opened all our cards and counted our money . Thats what we both wanted to do, we were both really tired, but she insisted that we had sex before going to bed, so we did. But it felt great that we were actually on the same page.

I look back at everything and its still hard to believe that these symptoms have been present the whole relationship, and I wish now that maybe I would have consulted a doctor and talk to them about them to get a professional opinion. I know one person she will listen to, and thats a doctor, so the outcome may have been completely different.

[xandrew245x]

Counseling went well today. I didn't talk to her to much about my ex directly, but I told her things she did and that I belived she may have BPD. After she evaluated me, she agrees that my ex probably does have BPD, and she says it has taken a very large mental toll on me. I liked one thing she said, and it is true in some cases, she said "The people that are in therapy are the ones that have been tormented by the ones who should be in therapy".

She talked to me some about BPD and made me understand it a lot better. She thinks its a good idea that I am not having contact with her. She is worried about me legally because she thinks that my ex could change her mind about everything in an instance and try to take everything from me. This really worried me. She had diagnosed me with anxiety and moderate depression. We are going to just try therapy to see if it helps before giving me medicine.

I look back now, my ex threatened to leave me if we did not get married. She new I was afraid of losing her, and she used that to manipulate me into getting what she wanted.

[lrngfrommistakes]

Andrew,

I am glad to hear the counseling went well today.

I think you are on the right path with the NC, this site and counseling! Remember that you have friends here that know what you are going through.

[lrngfrommistakes]

 One more thing... . You WILL make it through this and be better able to recognize the "red flags" of this illness. It took two of these relationships for me!

[xandrew245x]

My emotions are crazy, I will feel good one minute and be upset the next and missing her, it is really rough. She texted me telling me she hoped I had a good talk with my doctor, I still haven't answered her and I plan not to. I expect more texts from her the next couple of days, it may even lead to calls if I don't answer.

I know I will make it through this, and I am going to have my eyes peeled for these red flags in my future relationships because I am not putting myself through this again, I don't think I could take it again.

[xandrew245x]

I feel really rough today. I slept well last night but had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning, I am very tired today. I hope she doesn't try to contact me today because I really miss her right now, and I feel weak and I really want to talk to her.

I feel free from all the fighting and anger that was between us, I don't miss that one but, I do really miss the companionship, having someone there to always talk to no matter what the situation. That is what I really miss about her

[stop2think]

Hi xandrew245x

I know this restless urge to talk or see the person we loved and were used to sharing every detailks of our lives for the time we spent. Do yourself a favor and help your self to heal by keeping yourself busy and spending some time with friends/family. Go out for a walk yourself or read a book if you like.

By talking to her will do no good, perhaps you would feel better for sometime but it would push you back feeling terrible. Hold yourself together 

[willtimeheal]

Andrew,

The toughest part is the companionship. I miss having that person to talk to and laugh with and just reach out and touch. But that was just all in my mind. It was never that easy. We could just never talk or laugh. I always had to gage her mood to see if it was ok to talk or touch her. I have a hard time separating what was in my mind and what really happened. I have to remember how things really were. Focus on that. I am shaky today and wanted to stay in bed as well. Everyday is a struggle. You are not alone. Stay strong.

[xandrew245x]

I know exactly what you mean by gauging her mood. There would be days I would say very little to her because I knew she was in a bad mood. Then she would make me feel bad because I wasn't paying Attention to her. Me and her rarely had conversations anymore, I tried so hard to engage her in conversation but you could tell she really wasn't interested. However if she wanted to talk about something, I always tried to give her my full attention, but if I didn't she was always upset with me that I wasn't listening.

I tried to believe in my mind that she really did care about what I was saying and really did care about me. I still hold on to the girl she was the first 6 months for our relationship, and I still hope that girl comes back.

[gettingoverit]

I have been out of my relationship for over two years and I am still detaching. It's a process that can take quite a bit of time. The trick I think is to be patient with yourself and take one day, one minute, even one second at a time if you have too. I know for me the letting go of anger has been my biggest challenge. Her blatant disrespect and betrayal has been one hard pill to swallow. Some days are better than others. When I have bad days I make a point to "feel" it, then I try to move my thoughts in another direction. Time does heal as hard as it is to believe right now. I am no where near to where I was before when things first happened. Compared to that I am in heaven now... . . Continue to go to counselling, work on your own stuff, really live your life, and I promise you the letting go will come. I think it will be more like one day you realize you hadn't thought about your ex in x amount of days, or you realize that when you think about her, you don't get that feeling like you have been punched in the stomach anymore. That is progress. It does take time. More so than any other "normal" relationship  you have been in, so be very patient with yourself.

[xandrew245x]

I know what you mean, she had blatant disrespect for me and my family. She constantly talked about my parents to me, and how they did this or that, or they did this wrong or that wrong. I couldn't believe she would disrespect them that much after everything they have done. I mean my mom is downright pissed about this whole situation and she went to her mothers house to talk to her mom about it, her mom just kinda smirked about it and really didn't give her any answers. My ex called me bawling, telling me how awful it was of my mom to do such a thing, and she is still telling me it was awful of my mom to do that.


She would constantly try to start fights in my family, she would go to my mother and tell her that my dad was hitting on these women, which he really wasn't, my parents have been married for 30+ years and they have had a good marriage, I know he wouldn't do that. I"m angry that she could do this to me after everything we have been through and everything I have done for her. I think being angry about the situation is defiantly going to be the hardest part for me to get over.

I already feel slightly better, I know now, even though I feel like I was better off in the relationship, that it was toxic, and was slowly destroying me as a person. I became do dependent on her being there, and so attached to her that I never thought she would leave me, and I grew accustomed to the constant abuse. I know subconsciously I was feeling the pain of the relationship, I was having problems sleeping, I was starting to lash our really badly at things she would say, I became very angry, I became a person I didn't think was possible. But on the outside, and in my mind I put on a brave front, and told myself it was just part of being married and part of everyday life and stress. I know now that I was wrong.

Part of it that scares me is how long it will take to recover. I don't want to date anyone knew until I feel better. I have had dreams and hopes of having a family before the age of 26, it is still possible because I am now just turning 22, but I felt I was already set up to have my dreams come true. That is the part that really crushed me. I am so glad now I didn't give in to her urges of wanting kids. Everytime we would go to the store she would go to the baby clothing section and talk about how cute the clothes was and how she couldn't wait to be a mother. It really scared me, I mean I was only 21 and she 20, I didn't want to be a parent at that age yet, I think that was a red flag that opened my eye a little, and I started to set boundaries.


Before her, I really didn't live much of a life. I blame most of that on my anxiety and my lack of desire to get my anxiety fixed. I have had a couple very close friends who have been with me for a long time. They are all into online video games, so before that what I did most of the time, they never really went and did anything either, so I didn't. I had been on a youth bowling team for 5 years, and I did meet some new friends through that, I also was in a band for a couple of years, I have no clue how I managed to get on stage and perform, it wasn't easy, and one time I got so embarrassed over a mistake I made while playing live that I quit the band and never looked back.

Since she had left me I have been seeing my friends a lot more. They have invited me to go out, we play online games together and chat almost every night. I am considering joining a bowling league again this fall. I have lived more of my own life the past month than I have since me and here were married 8 months ago. she never directly told me  I couldn't go see my friend, but she made me feel guilty about going in a very indirect and manipulative way.

I am so much better off without her, I am excited to see what my future holds for me, who I may meet, who I may end up marrying, its scary to start all over, but its going to be a good experience.

[tailspin]

andrew,

I was able to let go the minute I stopped trying to save him and decided to save myself instead.  I chose me.

They become our lifeline and it takes a great deal of courage to let go when it seems we have such a long way to fall.  But holding on to a sinking ship will take you down with it every time.   

tailspin

[willtimeheal]

Tailspin,

How did you let go?  How did you just get it all out of your head?  The fact that she has not contacted me in over a week is killing me.  How did you do it?  I am in counseling, focusing on myself and what I enjoy, going places, reading, doig everything I am suppose to but I still think about her. 

[tailspin]

Tailspin,

How did you let go?  How did you just get it all out of your head?  The fact that she has not contacted me in over a week is killing me.  How did you do it?  I am in counseling, focusing on myself and what I enjoy, going places, reading, doig everything I am suppose to but I still think about her. 

Holding on to my ex was slowly killing me emotionally.  Thinking about him all the time was like taking a little bit of arsenic every day knowing that eventually I was going to die a slow, painful death. 

Letting go was a choice I had to make.  This didn't mean he was out of my head completely; but it did mean he wasn't the focus of my attention anymore.  I chose to focus on myself instead.  It felt strange, it was difficult, and it took some time but it was also the first step out of the FOG.

It really begins with believing in yourself sometimes perhaps for the first time.  We are so used to "doing" for them; well you deserve to do something good for yourself, too. 

So just do it.

tailspin

[xandrew245x]

Tailspin, I think I kind of hand that lightbulb go off in my head on Monday. It kills me to know she will probably be in pain the rest of her life, possibly even if she does get help, she might still be in pain. I realized that it her battle, not mine. I decided to stop talking to her on Monday at my own will, and I still feel pretty good about not taking to her. What hurts me is to think about all the good times me and her had, all the future plans we had talked about, and just our future in general. We had (well I guess you could say I had) big plans for our future. Now that I look back at her illness I realize those plans were probably nothing more than words to her and there wouldn't be any follow through.

However I still miss the good times we had, those are the things that really still get to me. I especially miss all the good memories we made through out the very early stages of our relationship. She sucked me in so quickly, and I remember telling her I loved her. I look back, and I don't know if I really did love her at that time, but with time I really had fallen in love with her. I can remember it feeling like I was rescuing her, and she was rescuing me. She told me she had nightmares at night until we started spending the night together and it all faded away, she talked about how awful her ex was and that he treated her awfully and abused her and that I was the perfect man. I felt like I had saved her from all the bad in her life. Now that I look back that's exactly what they try to get you to believe and I fell right into the trap.


Like I said the best thing for me so far is realizing I can't do anything about it, it's going to have to be something she does on her own. No matter how much I try to talk to her about it, it will only make it worse. I stopped communication so she will stop playing head games with me.

[tailspin]

andrew,

It is so hard; like a narcotic withdrawal.  I finally realized I was waiting for my ex to make me feel better.  Waiting for someone who is mentally ill to make us feel better is a total waste of our time because it's Never. Going. To. Happen.

The first step in taking back control of your life is deciding what's important to you.  When you focus on what's important... . the background noise will start to fade away until it's gone.  I promise this is true and it will happen to you.  Sometimes we forget that we hold the key to the chains we've forged.  Give yourself permission to turn the key and run like hell.

tailspin

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, I agree, waiting for her to come back and make me feel better is never going to happen. She can't even make herself feel better. I guess what I am really stuck on is how angry I am over everything. I just want to write her a really long email telling her how she has destroyed me as a person, how the past three years has been a lie, and so much more, but I know I shouldn't.

I know I can't help her, and she may never get better if she never tries to or wants to, and she will continue to bring down everybody around her. I know whats important to me, and she had come between me and that quite a good bit. I want to just run from these feelings so bad, I know I am the one who controls these feelings, but I can't seem to get out from underneath the weight that is crushing me.

[shaggysoul]

I hate how whatever I convince myself that I am better off, that he is damaged, that I was so miserable with him... . that he abused me... . I am deep down thirsting to hear from him again. Even though I do not think I will. Ever.

He is not the type to recycle.

And it is a shameful wish to have.

I make myself sick sometimes.

[xandrew245x]

I know I am better off, I honestly only ever wanted equal love, respect, and equal responsibility among us, she never gave me them, I felt as if I was taking care of a child. I know I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them, and who will help me, and be there for me emotionally and someone I will feel that I am not just having to take care of them.

I have to be very careful with her, I notice a pattern that if I was trying to talk to her, she wanted nothing to do with me, and would often get angry that I was trying to contact her. However when I give her the cold shoulder and ignore her, she will send me texts or call me trying to reach out to me, I haven't talked to her since monday, and I have already received a few texts and calls from her.

I want nothing more than for her to get better and for us to be together, but I know it will likely not happen. I know that, when things don't work out with this other boy, she is going to come back after me, and try to recycle me. Its not happening, I can't let it happen.

Shaggy, you seem like a good person, just hang in there, we are all here for you. You can lean on my shoulder if you need to, as long as I can lean on yours as well.

[shaggysoul]

Thanks!

I feel like a mess. But this board is helping. So is therapy.

Of course you can lean on me. Seems like you are still in the throngs of it though. I could never have any clarity while he was creeping around in the outskirts of my life. Much better now that he is gone. Doesn't help the heartache though.

[xandrew245x]

I feel like a mess too, crying almost everyday. She hit me with the divorce topic about a month and a half ago after becoming close to a guy she only met the day before. It was a huge shock, I was dying for answers because I thought me and her were actually getting better. Counseling defiantly helps, I have only had one session, but it made me feel so much better talking to professional who understands the situation. It wasn't until someone tipped my off to BPD that the lightbulb really went off, I did a lot of reading and it all started making sense, everything she said and everything she did from the first word we ever sent to each other, it all added up.

I really feel for you, because I know the pain and heartache you are going through, and I would never wish this upon anybody, ever!

[Conundrum]

When suffering, ask, what is it that I crave, and why do I cling to it?  Here, the answer to the former will be "a person," and the answer to the latter is "how that person made me feel."

We crave and cling to what the pwBPD "did for us." And what "they did" was present the most pleasurable of illusions, masked under the guise of realism. There are worse crimes in this world than that. They are dream-weavers.

Inevitably, we must all ask ourselves--will it be the blue or red pill?

I say, happily swallow the red pill and strip away the veneer. Do we really desire worshiping the construct of a disordered person as our benchmark for happiness. Strip away the extremes, the black, the white, and find peace in the neutral gray. What remains, is a person. A troubled person. Perhaps a person deserving of your compassion. Perhaps even a friend. There may have been love in our relationships, but it was not an epic for the ages, it was transitory. All things change. We let go by not clinging. We stop clinging when we master our wants. We master our wants through clear perception. We feel compassion, when we let go of the desire to possess another for "how they made us feel."   

       

[Trick1004]

Andrew,

I'm seven weeks in now since my ex of 3+ years left me and I understand how hard it is the first couple of weeks. Outside of a few written letters, emails, and texts I still haven't seen or talked to her and at this point don't really want to.

I don't know, I might have been lucky. I just felt so betrayed and devalued on the night she wanted to breakup, that something deep inside of me threw in the towel. She wanted to keep living with me for another month and I told her no way and while she was moving out while I was at work she kept wanting to meet to "talk about landlord and moving stuff." It was the hardest thing I've ever done to resist those requests but I was able to and I think I shocked her quite a bit by resisting her efforts to suck me back in.

I got a "hey, how are you email?" this past Monday. I'll admit I laughed a little bit when I read it, that was the best she could do? Anyway, it went into the trash with no response. I have yet to receive any kind of acknowledgement or appreciation for all I did for her when we were together, but she still wants to get together to "talk". I think she is using the lack of closure on her part as her last bargaining chip to suck me back in. What she doesn't realize though is that each day that goes by that is less and less likely to happen.

Anyway, whenever I start feeling weak, or sad, or want to contact her I just think about the level of disrespect I feel she had for me and our relationship. I also think about how emotionally drained I was during the last few weeks we were together and how less stress-out and depressed I am now with her gone. Making that first step of NC is hard, but the sooner you do it the sooner you can start to heal. It does get easier every day.

[xandrew245x]

Conundrum, you are exactly right, I cling to how she made me feel when I was with her. I knew the things she was doing was blatantly wrong, and I know how I retaliated and even sometimes started things were no better . Towards the end of our relationship I didn't want to fight and would often do whatever I could to defuse the situation but it seemed to just make it worse. She may have "loved" me, but I don't know if I can beleive it now, since she has already told the new guy she loved him, but when I confronted her about it, it was "Oh you know I don't love him, I still love you"

Trick, The first few weeks after she left were very very rough on me, She wanted to stay living in my house and working with my parents until she found another job and got things settled out. Me thinking that maybe this was just something that would blow over, I left her. I felt that we really good chance of working this out and staying together. It wasn't until after I found out what she had done with this other boy already did I get very upset, and she chose to move to her moms herself, that was a month ago. It was then that somebody brought up BPD, and thats when the lightbulb went off in my head.

I still spent every day and every chance trying to convince her to come back, and then trying to convince her to get help. I had finally come to the realization at the beginning of this week that I can't help her, this hits me really hard because I do in fact love her, and care about her very much. It disgusts me that her childhood was the way it was, nobody deserves that, and that it had turned a great girl into someone who may never be happy ever again.

I found that when we started dating, she fit all the traits of a borderline. I fell right into the trap, the sex came very quickly, and it was not safe. We had long deep conversations, now that I look back, we talked about me, and my interests most of the time. She talked about how awful her ex was, and that he was abusive, and she told me about a best friend that committed suicide years before(Now I really don't know if this is true because she wouldn't let me ever bring it up to her mother). I remember  she gave me a hemp necklace, she made me feel so special about it because she said it was one she made for her friend that died, but he died before she could give it to him. I felt honored to receive it. She also told me she had horrible nightmares, and that when we started spending the night together they stopped. It made me feel perfect.  Now I look back and see that it was all a head game. As time went on, the conversations shifted to her, and then they died all together.

Like I said, monday It kinda clicked in my brain that I can't help her, and I am going to get drug down if I stay on this sinking ship. I decided to go no contact and told her not to talk to me, she replied "okay." It wasn't even 2 hours later I received another text saying "xandrew245x" I want you to know I care about you and I appreciate that you are trying to help me" There was another text later on that night. The following day I received two more, one saying that she hoped I had a good talk with my doctor. She tried calling me yesterday.

I know what you mean that she can't even send anything giving acknowledgement or appreciation. I have done so much for her, I took her under my wing, support her both financially and emotionally, gave her everything she wanted. She drops me in a hearbeat for another guy, and she can't even give me a "thank you, I really appreciate everything you and your family has done for me" When I start missing her or thinking about her, I just remember that, and every time she disrespected me and my family.

I am not sure what my ex is trying to do, she keeps telling me she doesn't want to be with me, or I should say can't be with me, but it seems like she is doing what ever she can to keep me attached to her, perhaps so if things don't work out she will have something to fall back on? I know I will certainly not be recycled like that. If things didn't become serious between them, and they never became intimate, and she started to get help and take medicine, then possibly I would take her back, but she would have to get better.

I don't know If I feel better since she left, I have fallen into a depression, and my anxiety has gotten much worse. I am starting to understand everything a lot better, it just hurts to know how mentally ill she actually is. Its almost equivalent to watching someone slowly die from cancer. It is very painful to watch.

I know the first couple of months we were together I really wasn't in love with her nor did I love her, I was just feeling the lust. I can say that I did fall in love with her though, there was a real person behind this illness, and she would show her self, I loved that girl. The longer our relationship went, the more she painted me black than white, and I know it took a toll on me. I often asked myself what I was doing wrong, I had trouble sleeping, eating, even functioning some days. Then the next second she was just the most pleasant person and turned my mood completely around. I think the hardest part on me was the constant emotional flips, I could handle the insults, the punishment, the anger, because i could always dish those things right back to her, but the one thing I could not handle was her lack of approval of me. I wanted to hear the words just  a couple of times " I am proud of you", or "You are doing a great job". I tried so hard to give her what she wanted, and even started a part time business to give us more cash. I felt like I had did so much, and she only disproved of it all. She knew exactly how to hurt me emotionally, and hurt me bad.


Mornings are extremely hard for me, I'm not sure if its because every morning I would wake up before her and roll over and hold her close to me. Or the fact that we would usually shower together in the morning. I had always felt a heightened sense of love and attachment in the mornings, so I think maybe that is why I am having a harder time with mornings.

[bpdspell]

With our BPDex's it's let go or be dragged.

What helped me is understanding that even if I went back to my ex he's disordered and he violated my trust. . Yes. We cannot ever TRUST them. I could never trust a word that came out of his disordered mouth or twist my brain in trying to understand his rubix cube pretzel faulty logic.

We cannot trust them and that's enough for me to not want to step back into his world.

Like Conundrum stated... . they are dream weavers... . living in child like fantasy thoughts, and the objectification of others. They are with us but they cannot SEE us for us they can only see what we can do for them. Their capacity to love us will never be mature and fully reciprocal. They are entitled takers on a neurotically parasitical level and to me that's the furthest from HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Spell

[Octoberfest]

With our BPDex's it's let go or be dragged.

What helped me is understanding that even if I went back to my ex he's disordered and he violated my trust. . Yes. We cannot ever TRUST them. I could never trust a word that came out of his disordered mouth or twist my brain in trying to understand his rubix cube pretzel faulty logic.

We cannot trust them and that's enough for me to not want to step back into his world.

Like Conundrum stated... . they are dream weavers... . living in child like fantasy thoughts, and the objectification of others. They are with us but they cannot SEE us for us they can only see what we can do for them. Their capacity to love us will never be mature and fully reciprocal. They are entitled takers on a neurotically parasitical level and to me that's the furthest from HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Spell

Good post

[xandrew245x]

BPDspell, that was a very good post. I know that even if I did take her back, and she was committed to therapy, I could still never trust her. It would take an extremely long time to ever gain trust back, if it would eve be possible.

Like you said, I never knew if the words coming out of her mouth were true or not, I didn't believe half of it, towards the end I didn't even believe the words "I love you" anymore. I guess the easiest way to view the relationship would be she saw me as a caregiver, a parent almost. She wanted unconditional love and wanted me to be perfect. I am human, so of course I couldn't be perfect, I made mistake, I did things she didn't like, which lead to her hating me. I love her, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much as I did her, and I hope more than anything that she can get better and live a normal life and possibly be happy.

This is really tough on me, and I believe the relationship caused me to do things I never would have ever even thought about doing in my life.

[bpdspell]

BPDspell, that was a very good post. I know that even if I did take her back, and she was committed to therapy, I could still never trust her. It would take an extremely long time to ever gain trust back, if it would eve be possible.

Like you said, I never knew if the words coming out of her mouth were true or not, I didn't believe half of it, towards the end I didn't even believe the words "I love you" anymore. I guess the easiest way to view the relationship would be she saw me as a caregiver, a parent almost. She wanted unconditional love and wanted me to be perfect. I am human, so of course I couldn't be perfect, I made mistake, I did things she didn't like, which lead to her hating me. I love her, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much as I did her, and I hope more than anything that she can get better and live a normal life and possibly be happy.

This is really tough on me, and I believe the relationship caused me to do things I never would have ever even thought about doing in my life.

I'm with you. I did things in response to his behavior that I'm certainly not proud of. I said things and even discovered my own personal "crazy" side as the relationship took a sharp turn for the worst.    The trust issue is HUGE for me and I have a lot of love for my ex but love is not enough to find true lasting happiness in these relationships. What hurt me most in my breakup is the BETRAYAL. So so so so painful. So hard to accept that I was betrayed and lied to. The fact that they are mentally ill doesn't make it any less devastating.

But I'm further down the road of healing so I am able to put his mental illness into perspective but it's still hard to fully accept at times.

And I'm so saddened that this man child  I sincerely loved will continue to live a broken life because he is undiagnosed and still hopping from woman to woman hoping to find "the one."

Spell

[xandrew245x]

I think we can really relate spell. The biggest betrayal to me was defiantly all the lies and the breakup. Here was a young women, who was still 19, and was pushing me to marry her. She seemed so certain on being married, I don't know why I didn't find it odd, especially with the threats she made. Then 8 months down the line of being married she wants a divorce and she is on to another guy. That was DEVASTATING to me, because for a while I thought I had drove her right into the arms of another guy.

During our relationship I felt like I had start to lose touch of myself, I start feeling things and doing things that were very wrong in my eyes, and I feel guilty about them. My anger and anxiety went out of control, and I felt like I was losing control of myself.

I am very sad that she will live a life like this, probably forever, she is also undiagnosed, and I don't think she will ever have the motivation to ever want to find out whats wrong.

[careman]

When suffering, ask, what is it that I crave, and why do I cling to it?  Here, the answer to the former will be "a person," and the answer to the latter is "how that person made me feel."

We crave and cling to what the pwBPD "did for us." And what "they did" was present the most pleasurable of illusions, masked under the guise of realism. There are worse crimes in this world than that. They are dream-weavers.

Inevitably, we must all ask ourselves--will it be the blue or red pill?

I say, happily swallow the red pill and strip away the veneer. Do we really desire worshiping the construct of a disordered person as our benchmark for happiness. Strip away the extremes, the black, the white, and find peace in the neutral gray. What remains, is a person. A troubled person. Perhaps a person deserving of your compassion. Perhaps even a friend. There may have been love in our relationships, but it was not an epic for the ages, it was transitory. All things change. We let go by not clinging. We stop clinging when we master our wants. We master our wants through clear perception. We feel compassion, when we let go of the desire to possess another for "how they made us feel."   

       

Here is an old I issued a year ago, when in emotional turmoil, providing some hope:

That sublime feeling... .

... . it is all in myself:

That 'sublime feeling' was my feeling felt by me in my body, so obviously I'm capable of feeling that, and hence I can feel it again. She triggered it and made me discover it, but there must be other ways to get it. Projecting a dependence for evoking that feeling onto her creates pain since she left. Separating her from my feeling creates hope, and almost a kind of explorative adventure.

Realizing that that feeling is mine to explore, uncover and unleash frees me from the hook to her, and instead I can see I'm carrying in me a since long hidden treasure for me to find and set free.

   /Careman

[xandrew245x]

I have often thought the same things, these are just feelings in my mind, feelings created by me, and only me. Why can't I just stop feeling them. I really want to be free of this feeling.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I had faulty feelings and logic in thinking I could somehow 'save' her, by whatever means I don't know. 

This is the truth though: 

We sail along in our happy boat and she suddenly falls in the water and starts drowning.  She flails about and calls for help.  I give her my hand and pull her back into the boat.  We sail along for a bit and she jumps overboard, crying for help.  I pull her in.  Again, she jumps overboard and seems to be drowning.  Why does she keep jumping into the raving sea?  BPD.  There is no logic to it.

We cannot save them.  Eventually, we will jump in with them... .

Save yourself.

[xandrew245x]

Wow phoneix, that makes a lot of sense! I agree that if we keep trying to save them, they will drag us right down with them.

I have a question, I have been no contact with her since monday, she just texted me asking for a picture of our one dog, should I send the picture with no message, or should I just continue to ignore her.

[shaggysoul]

Ignore. It's a ploy. She will probably be angered by no response though. Let her.

I like the analogy Phoenix. I said so many times that I just needed a calm relationship and he started shot from nothing, he would even look at me with this curious look when I would say that and say " you can't put rules on a relations". Oh wait... . Yes I can.

[Trick1004]

I found that when we started dating, she fit all the traits of a borderline. I fell right into the trap, the sex came very quickly, and it was not safe. We had long deep conversations, now that I look back, we talked about me, and my interests most of the time. She talked about how awful her ex was, and that he was abusive, and she told me about a best friend that committed suicide years before(Now I really don't know if this is true because she wouldn't let me ever bring it up to her mother). I remember  she gave me a hemp necklace, she made me feel so special about it because she said it was one she made for her friend that died, but he died before she could give it to him. I felt honored to receive it. She also told me she had horrible nightmares, and that when we started spending the night together they stopped. It made me feel perfect.  Now I look back and see that it was all a head game. As time went on, the conversations shifted to her, and then they died all together.

I know the first couple of months we were together I really wasn't in love with her nor did I love her, I was just feeling the lust. I can say that I did fall in love with her though, there was a real person behind this illness, and she would show her self, I loved that girl. The longer our relationship went, the more she painted me black than white, and I know it took a toll on me. I often asked myself what I was doing wrong, I had trouble sleeping, eating, even functioning some days. Then the next second she was just the most pleasant person and turned my mood completely around. I think the hardest part on me was the constant emotional flips, I could handle the insults, the punishment, the anger, because i could always dish those things right back to her, but the one thing I could not handle was her lack of approval of me. I wanted to hear the words just  a couple of times " I am proud of you", or "You are doing a great job". I tried so hard to give her what she wanted, and even started a part time business to give us more cash. I felt like I had did so much, and she only disproved of it all. She knew exactly how to hurt me emotionally, and hurt me bad.

Andrew,

So many parallels. She lived next door to me for about six months and I don't think I talked to her once. I was in graduate school and had complete tunnel vision focusing on graduating and moving out of that town. About a month before graduation I was getting home from the bars at the same time she was and despite some feeling that this is a bad idea, I asked her what she was up to and if she wanted to hang out for a bit? Well, we talked, we drank and ended up sleeping together that night.

That was fine, I had a great time and she did too but the attachment didn't start until I wasn't able to find a job (2009 wasn't a great time to graduate from school) and entered into a dark time in my life. We kept hanging out with each other almost nightly and we slowly grew attached to each other. She made me feel good, and told me how much better I made her feel about herself. I got all her history, abusive ex-boyfriend (who she still kept in contact with), drugs, alcohol (I'm an alcoholic also), but it just seemed like we were supposed to find each other and together make ourselves better.

That was all four years ago and I still deeply love the person she was during the first couple of years. The initial rush when I fell in love for her was so intoxicating that I was able for a long time to ignore the way she started treating me and disrespecting our relationship. The later highs of the r/s slowly weren't able to overcome my inability, no matter what I did, to make her happy. She slowly ate away at me emotionally until at the end I had nothing left to give, I was drained out.

Another thing that helps me move on, is how she kept her ex-boyfriend around for the first few months I was getting to know her. Maybe he wasn't abusive, maybe she is telling whoever she is with now that I was abusive. She has been trying to keep in contact. But I sure as hell don't want to be her next ex waiting around to play whatever games she thinks she can play cause I saw first hand how she played her previous ex before me.

[xandrew245x]

Trick, you have a lot more power than I do. If I lived right next to her I don't think I would be able to take it. They lure you in, that is what she did to me, she made me feel like I had saved her from what ever hell she was living in. She made me extremely happy, I made her very happy. As things went on, and it became a lot more stressful between us, that is when I saw a major change. That is when the abuse started, the violent fights, her depression, all the anger. I too stuck it out because I thought maybe she was just going through a bad time, and with enough time the person she was would come back. When we moved back home, she did seem to get better, so I was very hopeful.

After we moved back home, I went through some really dark times, even though she seemed to be getting better, I fell into a depression, and a very weird state of mine, and I did things I never should have. I guess the mental abuse was getting to be more than I could handle. I think at that time I had nothing left of me emotionally. I kept thinking to myself "look, you have a house, a job, a family who loves you, your spouse isn't perfect but it could be so much worse" I think that helped turn me around to the point I could deal with every day. Now she is trying to keep me around while she tests the water with this other guy, I defiantly don't want to be recycled.

Last night she texted me again saying "apparently we have a lot to talk about, so lets talk about it" "we can talk about the divorce and things pertaining to it and nothing else" I know she just wants to get me to break the no contact.

[Want2know]

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