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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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shaggysoul

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« on: July 20, 2013, 11:08:17 AM »

Wow. I can't believe I have been brought down to the Facebook level. I have NEVER dated someone who misbehaves on Facebook until I met my 42 year old exBPD. The first fight we got in I was blocked on Facebook. Actually, I didn't even know it was a fight. I just knew I was blocked on Facebook for some reason. Then I realized he has also blocked my phone number. I think the reason was that I did not text him goodnight the night before (I was on vacation in another city and we hadn't been dating long... . And he never texted me goodnight).

After that we would block and unblock and were on a constant rollercoaster for everyone to see. I was shocked that people behaved like this but I also played along after awhile.

He is not indefinitely blocked of course.

His friends have now all started blocking me and defriending me. I can't believe I even have noticed this. I don't know why this bothers me even. I'm a grown up for gods sake. But it does. I feel demonized. I feel like I can't defend myself. I feel like I want to explain how hiting nuts he is to everyone. They MUST see it. THEY MUST.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2013, 11:43:18 AM »

I feel like a also behave like a freaking child when it comes to him. I've lost my dignity. Nothing about this relationship has been easy.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2013, 12:43:26 PM »

I feel like I've lost my dignity too.  Maybe that's should be our motivation.  To just walk away and get our freaking dignity back.  Easier said then done.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2013, 01:03:03 PM »

Oh Lord Shaggy the block/unblock game... . we were dating the same guy... .   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I was unfriended long ago and never put back on it. Doesn't stop me rather pathetically trying to 'stalk' him at times through what I can see of his friends' pages (not much).

Yeah I feel I lost what was left of my dignity with him. And yes I do need to get it back. Let me know if you've seen it... .
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2013, 01:04:54 PM »

My ex used to use facebook to get at me. Change or hide her relationship status depending on how she felt about me at the time. When I left I just deactivated my facebook account till I'm in a spot to be able to handle things better. I'm getting there. I'll probably reactivate it in a few weeks I just felt like I didn't need to leave an opening for her to get at me.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2013, 01:15:35 PM »

Smart and strong move Obi.  I'm trying to get the strength to delete all of our text conversations.  I've got them back to the beginning.  I keep compulsively reading all the sweet wonderful things he said to me and crying over them.  I need to delete them but just can't yet.

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delusionalxox
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« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2013, 01:56:00 PM »

Emilie I deleted all the texts :/ including all the angry miserable ones I sent at the end when he cut me off and the ones begging for forgiveness and him to talk to me   :'(

The horrible thing is... . on the iphone, when you do spotlight search they come up. The first line at least. Somehow it happened genuinely by accident to me one day and I saw a whole list of them. I desperately wanted to read and open them again but all you get is a first line. ( horrible. I think I cried a bit.
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2013, 01:57:20 PM »

I haven't been able to delete our texts or emails. What I did instead was just create a folder and put them all in there so they aren't there staring me in my face. I also took all the pictures that reminded me of her and put them in that folder. I don't open it up and go through it but I thought I would like to hold onto them. When thinking about her and looking at the pictures doesn't effect me one way or another I may decide to get rid of the texts and emails.

Thats just what I chose to do because I would just sit on the couch and go through them and it would bring me down all over again.
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Candace30
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« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2013, 02:01:34 PM »

You need to stay off facebook for a while if you are trying to get over an ex and you know facebook is a problem for you.

Facebook and social networking sites are a HUGE problem for me!  Of course he's deleted me when he's mad at me.  But his profile is "public" so I can still view it.  All of his social media sites (twitter, instagram, etc. are "public".

I've found myself spending ENTIRE DAYS compulsively checking his social media sites.  I mean just literally sitting on his "wall" all day/night and hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything new.  I've spent whole days trying to interpret and analyze every comment that is made on his wall or photos.  I've social media "stalked" his friends and any woman that I see on his wall. 

It's rather pathetic!  And yes, I have a life.  I am a grown woman and I have a demanding profession.  I don't have time to do something so juvenile and insane.  But still I've found myself doing it.  All day.  And all night.  It was like I literally could not control myself.  I was completely sprung out on him!  I would be embarrassed if anyone ever found out.     

And I can't say for sure that he didn't use his social media site to get reactions out of me.  He knows I regularly view his profiles.  Often he would post photos of himself out a pool party or bar with about 4 or 5 women with their arms wrapped around him.  I can't say whether he was just being himself and not thinking about the effect that this would have on me, or doing it to elicit a jealous reaction out of me.  After all of this time, I honestly can't say.

Soo, long story short, I've deactivated my own facebook account.  I'm making a conscious effort to stay off social media sites.  And I'm 100% focused on ME right now.  I've made a list of my own goals and things I want to accomplish.  I've withdrew my energy from HIM and redirected it into ME.  That's what you have to do - take your attention away from them and redirect it into yourself.  You'll feel better and thank yourself in the end.

And stay off social networking sites until you get stronger!  Believe me when I say that NOTHING good will come of it.       
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2013, 02:10:02 PM »

I've found myself spending ENTIRE DAYS compulsively checking his social media sites.  I mean just literally sitting on his "wall" all day/night and hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything new.  I've spent whole days trying to interpret and analyze every comment that is made on his wall or photos.  I've social media "stalked" his friends and any woman that I see on his wall. 

It's rather pathetic!  And yes, I have a life.  I am a grown woman and I have a demanding profession.  I don't have time to do something so juvenile and insane.  But still I've found myself doing it.  All day.  And all night.  It was like I literally could not control myself.  I was completely sprung out on him!  I would be embarrassed if anyone ever found out.     

     

Oh Candace   Smiling (click to insert in post) I hope you don't mind that I laughed a bit at that- in recognition- god I've done the same EVEN though ex's facebook is locked to me and all I can see are the 'recommends' he makes publicly! I keep checking the (partially locked) page of his male best friend to see if he turns up in any photos... . (nothing yet... . LOL)... . the pages of the woman he slept with during our relationship, to see how high up he was in her friend list... . his ex's and family's pages... . insane stuff. Truly insane and utterly pointless. I too am a 'professional' educated woman with a PhD... . my God... . it's maddening.

I blocked him recently when I was ruminating over my last, bitter message to him and managed to type a reply to a friend (!) whom I had open in another window and sent it to him! He will no doubt be a bit mystified that I messaged him 'will do hun' out of the blue... . but what the heck I really didn't mean that to me for him so I don't count it as breaking NC ( Smiling (click to insert in post) you have to laugh!)
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2013, 02:11:56 PM »

So... . he is blocked now so can't see references to him on other pages but there is still the set of photos occasionally updated on the male friend's page... . and I STILL CHECK IT (slaps self). So pointless.

I know I will also be googling ex until the end of time to see what new jobs (? if any hehe) he has, etc, etc. I should hope in 12 months that will diminish... .

god the internet can be such a horrible thing. A total barrier to moving on.
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Candace30
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« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2013, 06:07:52 PM »

Oh God, Delusionalxox, I hope you don't mind that I laughed at your post too.  Lol.  Especially the part about you checking his page even though it is locked, and all you can see are the "recommends" he makes publicly.

It's also good to know that you are a professional woman too with this obsession.  I have a law degree.  And sometimes I am so ashamed because I think that if only my colleagues knew what I was doing in my office, they'd look at me like I was crazy!  I'll go into a meeting at work looking like I have it all "together".  All the while, I'm smiling and nodding at everyone, but I CAN'T WAIT until the meeting is over so I can walk quickly back to my office, close the door, and STALK THE HELL out of him and everyone who knows him.  Lol.

I know it's insane, but I can't stop myself.   

I remember the good old days before the internet, when you broke up with someone and you had to get over them the old fashioned way.  The internet makes it so difficult.

I haven't been on his page this week though.  I am purposefully avoiding it.  I know that nothing good can come of it.  And so far, I feel good.  In the back of my mind I wonder what he's doing right now.  But I'm going to push forward with my life and not check up on him like a crazy person. 

Hell, we have lives too.  It's time to start living ours. 
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Candace30
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« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2013, 06:12:12 PM »

The thing I've come to realize from being on these boards is that we all appear to be very intelligent and bright people.  Intellectually we KNOW that what we are doing is insane.  Logically, we KNOW that our relationships and partners are unhealthy.  Yet, we still have difficulty disengaging from them.    
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2013, 12:54:44 AM »

Yup! I fully believe that this relationship brought out the most shamefully childish side of me. I definitely started mirroring him back! I can't believe how I'm acting like such a heartbroken teenager! Actually the way my first boyfriend broke up with me when I was 14 was far MORE mature then this last guy who is in his 40's.
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thisyoungdad
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2013, 02:32:25 AM »

After my divorce I am in now, and even though she blocked me on FB a long time ago, I have decided that it is a horrible site especially for married folks. We were "friends" and had so many mutual real life friends on there that I was still and on occasion do hear about things she posts. Not necessarily bad about me per se but just either over the top crazy, or concerning things about our child. Yet because it was third party there was not a thing I can do because I can't prove it. So my attitude is basically forget it at this point. Also she didn't change her password until, well I dont know but I know I had the ability to check it a few weeks back and I would on occasion fall into that. Thankfully not often. Now she has changed it and I still could figure it out because she uses the same 3 for everything but honestly I lost my motivation to care anymore. People post whatever they will on there, often I discovered at least with her, whatever she could to get sympathy and look the part of the sad, grieving wife who got dumped (she left me so saying she doesnt' know what happened is a bunch of b.s) and frankly it does bring out the childish side in so many people it seems. It is like a magnet to come and be as immature as you want and generally most people can get away with it.
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2013, 06:11:06 AM »

I too have stalked the exbf on facebook and other social network sites he uses.

I wanted to find out what had happened to him as he gave no closure to him disappearing.

Just got curious and stalked for over a year? (shame, red faced here)

Discovering he was not the person that I thought he was, the 4 yrs r/s was fake!

He was a fake!

And the new woman in his life?  Wow, she sure is whiney! complains about everything!

Oops, sorry, maybe that is my jealousy showing  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

The ex had a few fb accounts and I was blocked on everyone, even while I was involved

with him  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2013, 06:16:23 AM »

It was comforting, in a strange way to read about how others have re acted.

I am not as educated as some of you and Im a little technologically challenged,

regarding the internet, I am 50 and these internets werent around when I was younger  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


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MatOfTheDoor

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« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2013, 08:59:08 AM »

My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.
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dancinginthelight
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« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2013, 10:34:13 AM »

I had facebook before I met the ex but did not use it much, he though

was very into it and was on a load of date sites prior to meeting me.

During our r/s we both had fb, then all of a sudden, he closed his account,

or so I thought, He said he was tired of it.   Turns out, that he had blocked

me.  Also, recently found out about his other accounts, he lied, told me he

hated facebook.   Most of the women he has on his fb have been on there

duriing all the time I was with him.

Then I found a profile on a date site about him looking for his soul mate, this

was while I was supposedly his woman?
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slop

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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2013, 11:57:41 AM »

My BPD-ex was never on facebook and detested all kinds of social media.

It's like one extreme or another; they either go full-bore, or they're afraid of any part of them being out there at all.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2013, 12:18:29 PM »

I've actually blocked ex's page now so that I can't see even the few recommends he makes  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Everytime I was looking at it it was a small wound. I don't see pictures of him any more except via the internet.

I was thinking about the girl he cheated on me with, whom I am sure has been recycled (or there will quickly have been someone else), trying to check her page (which is locked but he always appears near the top of her friend list indicatng they are in contact  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm a pro at this stalking thing eh  Smiling (click to insert in post))

Then I realised that as I have blocked him he will not be visible on her page either! marvellous stuff.

I was about to do the Daily Stalk today to see if any further pictures of him have come up but today was the first day I stopped myself. I felt the familiar pain of seeing his face and thought 'you don't have to hurt yourself like this, you're hurting enough.' And I stopped. Progress I guess.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2013, 12:51:53 PM »

I don't like seeing things that will hurt me. I don't want to know. I don't want to go through his crap and see if he was emotionally cheating, physically cheating or anything else. I wanted to trust him. I told him this all the time. I will not snoop. In the end he snooped, went through my things... . Email, phone texts... . bedroom. Once he even opened a condom and threw it under the bed in an attempt to get me to admit to cheating.  I would never cheat. It's proposterous how in love I was and how much he thought I was constantly cheating. My friends always said that it was protection and that he was the cheater. Prolly so.

Anyway, I'm glad I blocked him on FB before we broke up. I am doing it for my sanity because I know how cruel he is. He thinks I'm being malicious. Totally wrong. I'm starting to realize how little he actually knows about me. I don't think he knows me at all. He can't see beyond himself.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2013, 02:26:09 PM »

you're right I think about him not knowing you, shaggy.

So much of their 'love' is projection. They have to paint you the way they need you to be so they can justify the push/pull they are doing.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2013, 02:28:13 PM »

I was snooped on all the time too btw and accused of cheating... . I have a lot of gay male friends and he would freak if they called or texted... . every time I got a text from a male friend he would 'accidentally' 'see' it and question me... . it was awful. Last time we were at home together 2 months ago he found a bit of condom wrapper (must have been from the last time he'd been with me, as I haven't seen anyone else) under the bed and just threw it at me in the kitchen silently. I burst into tears. It was just so violent and horrible. As if I must be a whore. etc.
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2013, 02:41:39 PM »

My ex would go through my facebook and phone all the time. If I even suggested looking at her stuff she would flip out how its none of my business. The double standard was infuriating.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2013, 02:47:54 PM »

Yeah Obi I was kicked off ex's facebook over a year ago for objecting to a picture of him with the woman he cheated on me with!

He then told me it was ok for me to stay off it because he 'didn't live on there', a lot of his other friends weren't on there at all (by choice) and eventually that I was 'too dangerous' to be on his facebook. (Because I am a dangerous psycho of course... . )

I think that last bit was total, utter projection as it was him who was always raising hell based on 'information' he gleaned by goiing into my fb and email etc.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2013, 02:50:10 PM »

What is it with pwBPD and the TOTAL, obvious double standards and hypocrisy all the time about everything?

Ex was so utterly and repeatedly hypocritical I kind of got used to it. Anything I did which was like one of his mideeds was magnified and used against me to the max. Whatever he did was utterly exonerated.

It ends up really crazy making because they will argue black is white and then white is black, all in the same row  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2013, 02:57:43 PM »

And heven help you if you have the nerve to point out that there is a double standard!
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2013, 02:59:23 PM »

Indeed, I would get told that a. there was no double standard! b. everything he did was entirely justified because of my own appalling, dangerous psycho behaviour.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

My god... . WHY, WHY WHY did we put up with it?
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2013, 03:02:20 PM »

My theory is that I was tranquilized and brain washed at some point early in the relationship and any memory of it was wiped out. Thats the only thing I can think of. I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from anyone else!

My ex was a master at redirecting things so when I would try and say anything about the double standard she would point argue about how I didn't do the dishes the way she likes.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2013, 03:18:53 PM »

It's amazing and useful to look back and see what we grew to tolerate... . the intolerable!
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #31 on: July 22, 2013, 03:29:34 PM »

It is really useful. I have learned so much through this relationship. Its not surprizing really. I generally have to learn things the hard way. But lessons hard learned are the hardest to forget.
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Anikaca77

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« Reply #32 on: July 22, 2013, 03:32:26 PM »

I agree 100% there.  It did for my 6 year marriage.  He cheated online with talking with this women 2 years ago and also talking on the phone.  Then he continued to talk with her and I didn't know about this for 2 years... . he kept her on the back burner and I thought here we would try to work on our marriage.  Nope not at all on his part.  I worked hard and supported him for 2 years while he was at home talking with her even if he says it wasn't romantic I don't care it was still talking.  Then he left me and is now living with her.

Facebook I think is terrible for marriages.


My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.

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delusionalxox
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« Reply #33 on: July 22, 2013, 04:07:51 PM »

Anikaca77 how awful what he did

I guess it's still the people who do it - the cheating and insane 'virtual' relationships- but the internet (not just facebook) makes it soo much easier for them to enter fantasy land and live it out quickly.
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #34 on: July 22, 2013, 04:46:20 PM »

Growl! I'm so angry at these f$&kers! Sometimes I feel like I have exaggerated things or demonized him. Maybe I made up the whole BPD thing and am just labeling something to make myself feel better. But then I read all your posts and the stories and they all

Just reverberate so deeply.

I want to beat them all up. Or throw them on an island together and watch them all make each other (more) crazy. Sorry. Angry moment.
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Jep

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« Reply #35 on: July 22, 2013, 11:11:40 PM »

     My ex started a MySpace account about the same time everyone else did in 2005. I trusted her at that point because we were just a few months in. Well she became obsessed with it and there was a lot of inappropriate stuff going on. I told her no more myspace or I was gone. She deleted the account, but resented me terribly because of it.

     Then fb started. Same deal. Social networking did a number on our relationship and I despised it. What it comes down to though, is that these people are going to behave like this everywhere. On the Internet, at the grocery store, at work, everywhere. It doesn't take a computer to get a bp to lie and cheat!

     As far as fb and detaching goes, just don't look. You know fire is hot so you don't put your hand in it. If you cannot keep yourself from looking then perhaps you need a break from social networking and deactivate the account until you feel better. I refuse to look because I know it will hurt and I have been hurt enough.

Jp

     
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shaggysoul

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« Reply #36 on: July 22, 2013, 11:46:44 PM »

Amen.

I am so lucky that my fear of finding something out that with traumatize and ruin my day overshadows any curiosity. I won't even google him now. I don't want to know "how great" his life is.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2013, 12:23:34 PM »

Yeah I have not 'stalked' (in my entirely ineffectual way, as I can't even see most of his FB page or most of his friends'  Smiling (click to insert in post)) or googled for 2/3 days and I know  this is progress even though I still hurt.

I was going to type in the fatal words again and I just said to myself 'don't hurt yourself any more. You've been hurt enough'. Just as you say shaggysoul.

It feels physically painful to have nil connection with him, not even looking at pages and fantasising about his life-- and to know that this will no doubt go on forever (I don't think my ex will ever contact me again. It's kind of like someone died  :'()

But it hurts more to keep that grief ridden connection going.
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afterdeath
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« Reply #38 on: July 23, 2013, 12:31:06 PM »

My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.

This is perfect. Sounds about right.

I actually laughed at a few of these comments though. You rookies, I have a fake account that is friends with her sister just to see her possibly popping up in her pictures.

At first I did it to stalk, then she eventually deactivated so I had to make sure I wasn't just blocked. She's gone from Facebook. Truth be told I rarely check it anymore.

I check it from time to time just to see new pictures of the daughter she took away from me growing up.

When my ex occasionally pops up randomly in a rare photo my heart races and I get Assn immediate adrenaline rush still.

Her sister just got married, so I'm waiting you're the wedding photos where I'll finally see my replacement with my ex.

Other than that final severing tie, I rarely check it any more because it's no longer my business and she's not coming back because even if she did it's too far gone to fix it now even if I wanted it to happen again.she's done too much and I've said to much, she's hurt my whole family to the point they don't ever want to hear about her again Anne I'm sure most of her family that support her feel the same way about me, I already know her friends believed her as they deleted me for no reason Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Facebook is the work of the devil.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #39 on: July 23, 2013, 01:29:10 PM »

afterdeath so sorry to hear about your daughter :/

I heard of others who set up fake spying profiles and I do understand the impulse. But it would cause me just too much unbearable pain, I think it would finish me off.

I stopped looking at the page of the male friend who posts pictures of him a lot. All the pictures were from before we split up but the odd new one (from the past) would surface and I would get that EXACT adrenaline rush you describe.

i don't want it any more. It hurts.
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Candace30
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« Reply #40 on: July 23, 2013, 03:01:38 PM »

[Raises hand]     I set up the fake facebook profile to stalk a couple of years ago.  I was very strategic with it too.  I went about generated a good 300 or so friends so that it would look like a legitimate profile before I added my ex.  I took the time to build an entire profile, all for the sole purpose of stalking my ex.  It's rather funny (in an amusing, but sad way) when you think about it. 

Which makes me have to ask myself - Could it be that some of us (those who stalk) are partly addicted to the drama?

Like some of you have mentioned, you don't look at your ex's profiles, because you don't want to hurt yourself.  No SANE person would purposefully place themselves in a position to be hurt.

I don't doubt that I loved my ex unconditionally.  But I wonder if I also loved the drama that came with the relationship just as much. 

 
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afterdeath
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« Reply #41 on: July 23, 2013, 03:10:57 PM »

[Raises hand]     I set up the fake facebook profile to stalk a couple of years ago.  I was very strategic with it too.  I went about generated a good 300 or so friends so that it would look like a legitimate profile before I added my ex.  I took the time to build an entire profile, all for the sole purpose of stalking my ex.  It's rather funny (in an amusing, but sad way) when you think about it. 

Which makes me have to ask myself - Could it be that some of us (those who stalk) are partly addicted to the drama?

Like some of you have mentioned, you don't look at your ex's profiles, because you don't want to hurt yourself.  No SANE person would purposefully place themselves in a position to be hurt.

I don't doubt that I loved my ex unconditionally.  But I wonder if I also loved the drama that came with the relationship just as much. 

 

I don't like drama or miss it, I just miss honeymoon phase of my ex, I also wanted answers for why she did what she did.

What's sad is how easy it is to do and how much we put out in to the open about ourselves. She deactivated her Facebook 8 months ago yet I still know everything going on in her life, well not everything, but can assume the blank spots,v just because her sister posts an occasional photo.

Technology is the scary part.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #42 on: July 23, 2013, 03:22:26 PM »

Candace I admire your ingenuity :D

It would hurt me too much now to have to see ex's new relationships, partying and activities. I sort of stalked around the edges. Partly perhaps waiting to see some sort of 'message' and also I think to keep myself attached to the person and the past.

All I saw was a (beautiful) picture of him on his friends' page- obviously haviing fun with his best male friend- posted 2 days after he said he would never speak to me again. I don't look at that page any more. What is there can only hurt.

but I don't think I could have BORNE to see exactly what was going on in his life. It would have destroyed me.

We will never be together again- I know this deeply, with both pain and relief- and if I had to see that beautiful face smiling with someone else right now I would go right back into the madness and anger of the early days.

These days i just feel empty and disbelieving. He's gone. Looking for him online will not bring him back and if he did come back he would only bring me momentary pleasure and then much more pain.
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« Reply #43 on: July 23, 2013, 03:25:44 PM »

I wanted answers too but this board gave me most of the answers I needed- the splitting white then black, the clinging/sexual attachment followed by abrupt dumping, etc. Also very likely he found or was investigating other sources of supply. He already had one in the form of a new male friend he was all excited about. I had been painted a psycho by everyone he knew and his family, so the support of this friend and others I am sure gave him the push to 'move on' from the 'loony' he had promised eternal friendship to 3 weeks before... .

I suspect they also told him i was faking my pregnancy etc and to ignore it. He got a lot of support by painting me as a violent, crazed abuser.
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ObiRedKenobi
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« Reply #44 on: July 23, 2013, 03:34:00 PM »

I'm getting to a point where I am ready to reactivate my facebook account. First thing I'm going to do though is block her. If her friends want to unfriend me so be it. I liked some of them but they were her friends first. I'm starting to care less about what she does on facebook and that I'm missing out on the connection with my family and friends.
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twester65

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« Reply #45 on: July 26, 2013, 10:20:14 AM »

Block, block, block. I didn't just unfriend him. I blocked him so we just don't exist for each other on Facebook.

My ex started appearing on dating sites within hours of me accepting a break up as the absolute last one (not exactly what he intended). I blocked him every time I encountered him. He can't see me and I can't see him. There has been no contact other than obnoxious, "How are you doings?" from him for six months. Bumped into him in the grocery store a couple of months ago. He may as well have been a carton of eggs.

Doesn't mean I don't still love him. I just love me more.
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clover528
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« Reply #46 on: July 26, 2013, 10:50:26 AM »

Guilty here too.   I am angry and sick at myself for doing it. He only recently got a fb page. His new gf, however, has two. I made an account that has nothing on it so as to see what they may post publicly. That just happened recently. i had blocked everyone imagineable that may be axxociated with him over a month ago. In light of recent events I needed to know where he was so i opened a fake account. Like i said, At his point sure it hurts to see them together, but I have to know where he is. It is both a good and bad thing for me at this point. I can track some of his moves, but I still have to pain of the loss of what I believed in.

So is fb  a bad things when recovering? Yes, NC is hard as hell but will eventually give you clarity to move on in a healthy manner.

Is fb helpful when they are threatening to harm you? YES. It may let you know where they are or what they are doing while they are threatening you. Giving you time and or information that could help you in the long and short run. Just my opinion. Not that it is a perfect tracker, but it is better than being completely unknowing.

Sidenote here:  Delusional, I have read many of your posts and i always relate to your feelings. how you describe what you are going through. It pings on my heart. I even cried reading your replies on here. I truly feel for you. Well I feel for all of us. This just stinks!  I just wanted to give you a shout out. I understand. I feel the brokenness of your heart. It is much like my own.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #47 on: July 26, 2013, 12:38:28 PM »

Thanks Clover Smiling (click to insert in post) If my posts made you cry I hope it was in a good/healing way Smiling (click to insert in post)

I've managed NC now (with an accidental hiccup last week but not a terrible one- a reply to a friend of his who emailed me).

I have accepted he is gone forever. And more and more I know it is a good thing. And that I did what I could for him and gave far, far too much for no reward at all.

I have been on a few dates etc and tried to enjoy myself. My life's not over at 40 Smiling (click to insert in post) and I have my faults. But I deserved way better than him.

Some days I still feel terribly down but it's less focused on him and more on fear of future and being alone etc.  I hope you too are healing in your own time. xx
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« Reply #48 on: July 26, 2013, 01:22:51 PM »

Right now delusional, I dont know what my tears are for. It seems I have so much going on, I cant even focus on my pain, anger, hurt, push pull, everything. I havent spoken to him in over two weeks, almost three now actually. He has been in contact ( not in a good way) with me though. I just keep reminding myself I ended this. i left him and I chose to stay away. It is the whole mind heart connection that is disconnected .

I am glad you are doing some better. It gives me hope. I understand the fear of being alone at this point in life. I have so many responsibilities though, alone seems like a welcome relief for me. ( kids, elderly parent with dementia equals no time for me to even breathe in silence). We do have hope though. I remember that was what I read on some site about BPD when i first discovered the disorder. HOPE. I thought I could save him and save us. Fools gold.

God bless delusional. You can message me anytime you want to chat. I am happy for you that you have come to acceptance to some degree. Keep hanging in there. The Hope for us now is future wholeness, and inner happiness and peace. It will happen.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #49 on: July 26, 2013, 02:06:38 PM »

Clover at first when he cut me off I thought I was dying of the pain and people on here said 'he's doing you a favour'- I didn't believe them.

now I see they were right. It seems to be much worse when they interact constantly- especially as in your case when they are abusive.

Ex was like this for 3 years. It would have ended much earlier if he had not been- I tried to end it many times but could not resist the tears, pleading, begging and constant reengagement. I think what you are doing is really strong.

In the end I set boundary after boundary for ex and pushed him away as much as I could but it was him who made the final break... . I had that bizarre fantasy of forever friends/soulmates... . I guess I cared for him despite all the hit he gave me, and that isn't something I should be ashamed of, although I am ashamed of how I broke at the end and went nuts :D
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peas
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« Reply #50 on: July 28, 2013, 07:10:59 PM »

We all go through the social media stalking phase. Especially when the breakup is fresh.

My uBPDbf broke up with me six weeks ago and it's been devastating even though I should have been used to it because he was always breaking up with me during our seven-month relationship. But this last time I knew he was done for good. You can tell when they finally mean it. I should have been the one breaking up for good early in the relationship when he showed me his capacity to do damage. But I let myself get sucked in.

But back to social media and Facebook. On the day he told me it was over, which followed a blow-out argument, I immediately blocked him from Facebook. I did this to protect myself from stalking him. I knew I would be weak and check his page for any new activity. I was able to maintain this for a couple weeks.

And then I unblocked him on Facebook (in a weak moment I wanted to peek at his stuff, which was locked up tight and offered no new information). But within a couple days of me unblocking him he ended up blocking me back. I'm kicking myself that I ever unblocked him because to me that was like my last dig. Unblocking him even for a moment gave him the opportunity to block me back. Damn!

He and I had a weird Facebook dynamic throughout our relationship. He unfriended all the time. It actually became a joke. Eventually we just decided to not be FB friends, even though this is the person who was telling me all the while he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. FB added a whole other dysfunctional element to the BPD behavior. He blocked me once before on FB (and his phone) when he tried dumping me early in the relationship. Then, as usual, he would return to me, things would be okay, then a new cycle of breaking up/unfriending, etc. 

He also had a lot of single women friends on FB and I am sure he was messing around online, queuing up my replacement, if he had not already begun to cheat. He was real defensive when I asked him about all the single hot women he was following on FB. He got angry and yelled at me that it was none of my business and that he could friend all the hot women he wanted. That was the beginning of the real end. I could tell his mind was onto to someone else.   

He never liked being my FB friend for a few reasons (my theory): It showed my human side -- you know, pictures of me with friends, talking about my work, publicly corresponding with people, photos from my past -- and it was a space that he couldn't control. I was never a person to my exBPDer. Everything was about him and his needs and I was something that filled some role until he didn't want me filling it anymore. Also, being connected to me on FB meant I could see his activity and he wanted to hide a lot of information from me. There was not a single trace of our relationship on his FB site. I didn't exist there.

I caught myself Googling him obsessively the other day, trying to find ANY online activity by him. Then I just decided to stop. I now refuse to type his name into any search engine or social media search field. I have decided he is dead to me online. Also, I don't want to see something I can't un-see. I don't want to see a picture of him and another woman -- and I am assuming he is seeing someone already. I don't want to know anything about him today. Sure, he's in my head 24/7, but I have finally set some online boundaries.

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HealingSlowly

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« Reply #51 on: July 28, 2013, 07:34:26 PM »

Thank you for this thread! I too have been obsessed with FBook, though not as much. It's just the same old crazy-making. My ex's is partially public. We are not friends. I ended that. But I can still see recent photos posted and groups joined. And names in pictures - who is she? And then I google. I think he is probably with someone new. I have actually wasted full days/nights trying to figure out the messages. I am a professional, have a PhD too, and think no one would believe this. Or my fear: I"ve really lost it! But ... . I think sometimes some information is okay. Even if it's just crazy-making - I can see enough on my ex's page to know the patterns, even with new groups etc. - there is something about seeing the patterns "outside" of our relationship. And just to add: I work in the same field as my ex. People in our "circles" knew we were a couple and liked us as one. When it ended, a few said to me: what? I thought you two were totally happy. How to explain? I could not. I would not go there professionally. But ... . a couple of colleagues who are also my friends and one is on my ex's FBook page, I get a bit of info. And it's all the same. They have said that the posts are strange, something off, maybe a new girlfriend (yes and no is always the vibe). The information has been useful. It has confirmed what I already knew and not made it so isolating. I know still that I am the only one who really knows (except for any other ex but I was his second partner, the first was short term and more dating!). His family knows there are issues but they are in total denial. And in some ways like him, though not totally. Anyway, I think some info is okay, but when it gets to the obsessive part ... . I have done it, badly and it is bad news. But knowing is different than obsessing. Starting to separate the two. ... . Thanks for all the great posts and insight and honesty!
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HealingSlowly

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« Reply #52 on: July 28, 2013, 07:43:27 PM »

i meant to say that I'm not as obsessed NOW, 7 months later - and not as much as others. HA. Right in there! So many days... .
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