Don't understand this pain

[Mr gaga]

Hello I need some advice from you guys. My BPD fiance of 2 years cheated on me and abandoned me 4 months ago and I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I am a 20 year old college student and went through hell and ultimately reached my breaking point by the end of the relationship but I still held on to hope only to be cheated on, left on the side of the road while she got in a car with some other guy while I begged her to stay with me and not do this. A week before I was the best thing in her life then poof She hates my guts and leaves me for the guy she claims raped her! She got with him the same day she left me! Admitted to cheating on me since january, she yelled at me when I drove to her house to try and work things out, that guy was over there so She had moved on while I was clinging to hope, she told me to my face she was gonna sleep with him, And I had to watch her hug on him and shut the door in my face. I can't get her cold devil eyes out of my mind, it was like she was a different person! She then proceeded to post pics on facebook of the two of them saying shes so in love and crap  . I have never experienced this before and she was my first love so you can imagine the kind of pain im in.

Things that happened in the relationship.

She claimed she had ADHD

She acted like I was her king in the beginning

I Drove her everywhere bc she doesn't have a license

She dropped out of school

Her mom was killed in a car accident a month b4 all of this

She would yell at me in public places and make me the bad guy

SHE LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING!

Nothing I did was enough

I just can't describe everything, she was a horrible person so why do I miss her so much?

I'm on anti depressants, I'm scared to try again with another woman bc BPD now terrifies me and I don't want to go through this again. I don't sleep at night, I think about her all the time, migraines are becoming frequent. I really thought she loved me, she acted like a child at times but I was attracted to that. She treated me like a dog after a while but I dealt with it, I was contemplating suicide while I was with her but I could not detach from her! It was unreal how much I needed her! I was physically and emotionally drained but she kept on stomping me into the ground until I decided to stand up for myself and tell her that she wasn't gonna treat me like crap! I was being a man or so I thought, then out of no where she ups and leaves me in april without so much as a goodbye! She mentally abused me to the point I was ready to end my life, then when I took up for myself, she humiliates me, kills my self esteem, laugh at my pain, moves on with another guy, breaks my heart and then leaves me to pick up the pieces. I am severly depressed right now

[bpdspell]

Hey Mr. Gaga... .



Your best offense on this forum is reading the articles on how a BPD relationship evolves. Essentially it's a idealize, devalue, discard pattern with them that has nothing to do with you or your worth. Although your ex may appear normal BPD is a serious mental illness and attachment disorder that has lived inside of her way before you entered into the picture.

What's usually recommended on here is seeking therapy of your own. I also recommend researching trauma bonds as these relationships and their intensity are certainly not your average relationship bond.

I can feel your heartbreak and you are not alone in this shattered feeling. On this forum there are hundreds of stories like your own. Keep reading and keep posting. On the leaving board the goal is detachment which is often created by giving ourselves healing space with No Contact. In time things will begin to make sense... .

Spell

[really]

Hi Mr Gaga.  I echo Spells's comments.  You are far from alone with those feelings.  The people on this site are here for you.  Man of us have/  continue to feel that pain.  Trying to get to a place of detachment is key.  Depression is common around here.   I hope you take steps to deal with that much earlier than I did.   

[Mr gaga]

Thank you so much. Wow has it been hard for me, my friends and family think it's just a normal break up and that I will be over her in no time but I put everything I was into that relationship, I feel like a part of me is missing now that she is gone. I didn't deserve to be left so harshly after all I did for her. I was always there for her when she needed me but it was always about her and the one time I wanted my needs taken care of which was to be treated like a person I get cheated on and left!  I just don't understand but I am so glad I found this forum because the articles about people who have went through the same pain is somewhat comforting bc it lets me know that I am not alone. Her father warned me about her BPD but I didn't listen, man I should have listened

[bpdspell]

Thank you so much. Wow has it been hard for me, my friends and family think it's just a normal break up and that I will be over her in no time but I put everything I was into that relationship, I feel like a part of me is missing now that she is gone. I didn't deserve to be left so harshly after all I did for her. I was always there for her when she needed me but it was always about her and the one time I wanted my needs taken care of which was to be treated like a person I get cheated on and left!  I just don't understand but I am so glad I found this forum because the articles about people who have went through the same pain is somewhat comforting bc it lets me know that I am not alone. Her father warned me about her BPD but I didn't listen, man I should have listened

Friends and family are not wearing your shoes. Many people are misinformed about mental illness and are very ignorant of the affects of narcissistic disorders on those of us who are approval addicts, people pleasers... . people with codependent traits... . or simply just nice and compassionate people.

BPD is a toxic dance that requires two to tango. You have played your part by allowing a person you love to violate your boundaries, exploit, manipulate and take advantage... . all in the name of love. Even though we loved them their treatment of us is often abusive due to their emotionally disrupted ability to relate in an adult way.

I cared deeply for my ex. I cooked for him, cleaned for him, bought him clothes, helped him get his driver's license, gave him money and I even supported his weed and cigarette habit. And what did he do for me? Zip. Zero. Zilch + Sex.  

The entitlement on his part was out of this universe. But when I look back... . I allowed him to do that to me because I didn't value myself. I was too caught up in pleasing him and sacrificing myself in the process to sustain his bottomless pit of need. I believed that giving him everything he wanted would model to him how to treat me. But it all just blew up in my face.

LIke I stated. In time you'll understand better how BPD evolves and how we get caught up in their entitlement and abuse. It isn't personal and that's why her father warned you... . it seems that he's very familiar with her pattern.

Spell

[Mr gaga]

She blamed me for the relationship failing and her cheating on me, maybe she is right maybe I need to stop fighting it and running from the truth. In my darkest moment in the last days of the relationship I cracked and pushed her into a wall! I didn't want to but she kept degrading me and talking down to me and humiliating me in public and I started to cry and she told me to get over it! I went bezerk and pushed her, I know I'm a bad man for putting my hands on a woman, my big brother who I looked up to told me how bad I was after I confessed what I did. I went through hell with this woman though, and even after what she has done to me she has me convinced that I deserved it  . She always blamed that night for her cheating on me, but she told me she has been cheating 4 months prior to that night, I'm so confused. Is it my fault she treated me the way she did? OMG I miss her so much, she was mean to me but she made me so happy at times, I was suicidal with her but she made my life worth something and now that she's gone I just don't know how to move on. I should have kept my cool that night but then she would still be cheating on me, either way I lose

[bpdspell]

She blamed me for the relationship failing and her cheating on me.

Lack of accountability and emotional immaturity are a common part of BPD relationships. In other words they blame and shift blame often. But I ask you... . if someone cheats on you how is that YOUR fault?  :)o not accept this because this is simply not true.

In my darkest moment in the last days of the relationship I cracked and pushed her into a wall! I didn't want to but she kept degrading me and talking down to me and humiliating me in public and I started to cry and she told me to get over it! I went bezerk and pushed her, I know I'm a bad man for putting my hands on a woman.

Forgive yourself. You were bullied, teased and pushed to the edged by someone who is emotionally manipulative, mentally ill and blaming. I did things to my ex that were uncharacteristic of me as well due to the manipulation, abuse, and the way he would blame and twist the truth around to serve his feelings. It's like playing an emotional game with someone who's hell bent on changing the rules every three seconds.

She always blamed that night for her cheating on me, but she told me she has been cheating 4 months prior to that night, I'm so confused. Is it my fault she treated me the way she did?

No. She did not cheat on you because of your mistake or because of your anger. She cheated on you because of her BPD. Please read more on this disorder so you can learn how to depersonalize her behavior. Her behavior is not about you.

OMG I miss her so much, she was mean to me but she made me so happy at times, I was suicidal with her but she made my life worth something and now that she's gone I just don't know how to move on. I should have kept my cool that night but then she would still be cheating on me, either way I lose... .

Right now it feels like you are losing but you have actually gained the opportunity to learn from this experience. You are deserving of better treatment. You matter and are worthy of love. Abuse is not love. Feeling suicidal in a relationship is not bliss. It is deep unhappiness and disconnection. You need to ask yourself why you're so willing to be abused, disrespected and mistreated? Why do you think so little of yourself? Why are you giving her so much of your power? Why is her treating you poorly ok?


This is all fairly new and it's a lot to process as you probably feel like your emotionally hemorrhaging. But it does get better the more you read and learn. It's ok to hurt, cry and be sad and heartbroken. This makes you human; not weak. But think about those questions I raised and why you feel that a person who has shown you how screwed up they can be is a person you want back in your life... .

It's something to ponder... .

Spell

[Mr gaga]

I allowed her to treat me like that bc I loved her. I was bullied and talked about all my life and she was the only girl who gave me the time of day. She was so nice to me at first, I thought she was a god send. We planned on our future together and everything. When she started to verbally and mentally abused me I accepted this bc I would rather work on our problems then be alone again. Deep down I feel she was the best I could do that's why I treated her so well and put her needs before mine bc I had a deep fear that she would leave me if I didn't. If she didn't want to be with me she could have just ended things maturely but she had to hurt me like this and then leave. Well atleast she happy I guess, I just thought that she cared and I was a fool for that. I humiliated myself by begging for her to come back, she laughed at how pathetic I was. I'm ashamed of myself, sigh oh well thanks for taking the time to read my story. I feel like such a loser right now, she's went around town talking about how abusive and controlling I am, she's regarded as some hero for having the strength to me since I am such a bad person. Yea the man who drove her everywhere, bought her whatever she wanted, proposed to her with a ring he worked my ass off to pay for, and accepted her bad side is a bad man. I give up

[Surnia]

Mr. Gaga

also from my side a warm welcome here!

I am really sorry what you had to go through. So sorry to hear about your depression. 

I agree with spell, be nice with yourself. You are having hard times. Coming out of a emotional or verbal abusive rs needs a lot of patience.

How is your support system? What about family and friends?

[Mr gaga]

Mr. Gaga

also from my side a warm welcome here!

I am really sorry what you had to go through. So sorry to hear about your depression. 

I agree with spell, be nice with yourself. You are having hard times. Coming out of a emotional or verbal abusive rs needs a lot of patience.

How is your support system? What about family and friends?

My family and friends really don't understand my situation that's why I came on this board. I just needed someone to talk to who could somewhat understand why I feel so hurt. I just need to know that I'm not the bad guy. Spell made me feel a little better but I shouldn't have gotten physical, sigh I just don't understand this whole situation. We usually work out things but this time she hated me so much, her eyes were so cold towards me.

[Surnia]

Mr. Gaga

About gotten physical: Don't beat yourself. It is not a good thing and it can not made undone. It is also a sign for something went wrong before. Perhaps weak boundaries? Deep despair?

Perhaps you can write a letter where you apologize and not sent it? To write it off of your chest?

My family and friends really don't understand my situation that's why I came on this board.

For many of us it is similar. Good you find us. We are here for you.