Ex girlfriend

[Eric1]

I've done a bit of research because I needed to know what happened to me.

My ex was the most beautiful girl when I met her, couldn't have asked for me. Everything went very quickly and she told me he loved me quite early on.  We were insuperable. However, she would have fits of rage, would love me one minute then tell me she hated me the next. I couldn't do enough but everything i done was wrong. I would be on the receiving end of put downs & it questioned who I was. All i wanted was to go back to how we were at the beginning. I ended up getting angry in retaliation because I honestly couldn't take anymore, but that is all the gets remembered. She split up with me a couple of times and we always got back together. But this time round she cheated on me. She'd been messaging a bloke behind my back. Normally I would of dumped her, but I felt so attached to her i couldn't. She dumped me. I've started to feel better about myself but its taken alot of tears and focus.

I tried getting her back, but to no avail.  Why I would want to go back to a girl who hit me, swore at me & treated me like poo is an issue I've had to deal with. I'm happy being single, she just crippled my self asteem.

She sends random texts every 7 or  8 days telling me to listen to songs that have meanings. I.e Forive me, sorry that I hurt you etc

I texte her today the most polite, sincere message saying we can't have any contact.

She replied saying - i want that to. I'm only replying to your texts because I don't wannto hurt you. Don't message me again then i won't have to reply will I

She texted me out of the blue tho! Why do I always feel like I'm to blame for everything.

[Mr gaga]

Dang you too? Look at what these people are doing to us, this is crazy. My ex was the devil incarnate seriously! I have been through mostly everything you mentioned so you are not alone. I still wish I could go back to the honeymoon phase  . But dating these type of people is like selling your soul or happiness to the devil. Yes you get the unconditional love and affection you always wanted but it comes at a terrible price unfortunately.

[seeking balance]

Why do I always feel like I'm to blame for everything.

What are the facts vs. your feelings right now?

[Eric1]

The facts are that she is just as much, if not more to blame.  But, every time we've broken up its because of my actions. Her actions never get brought into question.  If I ever did bring up the way she was being, all she would say is 'deal with it or just dump me then'

I could never walk away. I tried, I got to the front door before, but turned back around.

I don't know if I should reply to her last message. I feel guilty now.

[seeking balance]

The facts are that she is just as much, if not more to blame.  But, every time we've broken up its because of my actions. Her actions never get brought into question.  If I ever did bring up the way she was being, all she would say is 'deal with it or just dump me then'

I could never walk away. I tried, I got to the front door before, but turned back around.

I don't know if I should reply to her last message. I feel guilty now.

If you reply to her message - what changes?  You are still going to feel guilty either way, right?

[Eric1]

She's made it out that she was only replying to stop me from being upset. But, she randomly texts me out of the blue which sets me back.

I don't want us to fall out.

[seeking balance]

She's made it out that she was only replying to stop me from being upset. But, she randomly texts me out of the blue which sets me back.

I don't want us to fall out.

What do you mean by fall out?

[Eric1]

I shouldn't of sent the message about no contact.  I should of known that she would of replied in the manner that she did & now i feel like it was a mistake.

I've been through so much with this breakup trying to find who I am again & still, all i want to do is please her.

[seeking balance]

I shouldn't of sent the message about no contact.  I should of known that she would of replied in the manner that she did & now i feel like it was a mistake.

I've been through so much with this breakup trying to find who I am again & still, all i want to do is please her.

It sounds like you are having a tough time with the fact this relationship is over and you didn't want it to be... . is this what is bothering you?

[Eric1]

Yes. I would reconcile, which is why, when she texts out of the blue i get a glimmer of hope, then it boils down to nothing and I'm left thinking about her. Hence why I felt it nessacery to send this text.

I thought she would of replied 'I understand, that's fine' but I get the other reply, which mkes me feel like crap.

[seeking balance]

Yes. I would reconcile, which is why, when she texts out of the blue i get a glimmer of hope, then it boils down to nothing and I'm left thinking about her. Hence why I felt it nessacery to send this text.

I thought she would of replied 'I understand, that's fine' but I get the other reply, which mkes me feel like crap.

Eric - why did you tell her you wanted No Contact if you wanted to reconcile?

[Eric1]

Because I told her already i wanted to reconcile and she said on two occasions that she didn't. But, then she texts out of the blue and all it does is set me back.

[seeking balance]

Because I told her already i wanted to reconcile and she said on two occasions that she didn't. But, then she texts out of the blue and all it does is set me back.

so, are you ready to let go of reconciling now or did you tell her you wanted no contact to get some other reaction from her?

[Eric1]

I just can't keep going round in circles.  If I don't contact her, then she does contact me, but as soon as she does, I tell her that I still have feelings for her, then she says sorry but she doesn't feel the same. Then I go quite, she then texts randomly and it just repeats the cycle. And i cant do it anymore. So, I thought that message would stop it all.  But didn't think she would reply in that manner.

For all the hurt she caused me, I still care about her.

[Gaslit]

Hi,

When she texts you, she's just checking to see if you are still on the hook, that is, still available, for when it goes bad with her new dude. That is all it is. You are a possible "back-up" now, should she need one.

I highly suggest that you absolutely do not write her back. If you do, she'll know you are still very much on the hook as a backup. You'll be hoping for more, and she will be giving you less and less.

You are a trigger now. She has moved on to a "clean slate." You will never be new again.

Respect yourself. Have respect for yourself. Go do something, anything to distract you. But don't feel guilty, she doesn't, and don't write her back.

[seeking balance]

I just can't keep going round in circles.  If I don't contact her, then she does contact me, but as soon as she does, I tell her that I still have feelings for her, then she says sorry but she doesn't feel the same. Then I go quite, she then texts randomly and it just repeats the cycle. And i cant do it anymore. So, I thought that message would stop it all.  But didn't think she would reply in that manner.

For all the hurt she caused me, I still care about her.

She contacts you for some emotional need in her - not because of you - do you understand this?

You CAN stop the cycle by blocking her number or not responding to her... . caring about her is something we have all had to set aside so we can get our lives back on track, stopping the chaos does not equate to not caring as much as it equates to putting our own best interest as our focus.  :)oes this make sense?  

[Eric1]

So, what I texted was the best thing to do?

I said - I've been thinking and I think it's best we have no contact. The message you sent had the right intentions and was harmless enough, but it just gets me thinking about you. Please don't take this the wrong way & I don't want it to come across as rude, but it's the only option. I hope you're ok & you understand x

Then she replys - I want this too! I only reply because i don't want to upset you. If you stopped contacting me i wouldn't need to reply would I.

[Gaslit]

Can you see what you are dealing with? She texts you out of the blue, and on her own, you reply with, "please don't text me." And she STILL, still blames you for Her texting you! Not even owning up to the Fact that she texted you first.

It's all very ridiculous and frustrating, no?

Search this forum for pendulum, and clinging and distancing behavior, that swings back and forth, forever, unless you stop it.

And do sit and just really think about her being with a new guy.

Is this your life? Do you deserve better?

[seeking balance]

The way to stop chaos is to stop participating in it... . stop texting her, it is that simple.

It may be difficult to do, but you do have the power to move forward.

[Eric1]

That's why I felt the need to text that because I do end up texting back, which really doesn't help. When I've started no contact, she ends up contacting me and I'm too weak to not text back.

I do deserve better.  I thought she was someone she isn't. Do you have a link for the pendulum swinging etc?

Why do I need to picture her with the new guy?

[Gaslit]

You don't have to picture them together, but doing so might help to really see the reality of the situation.

I'm not the best searcher on this site, here is the jist of it, from user 2010. Her stuff is excellent.

":)o they think they can do whatever they like and be forgiven?" More than likely they do- only because the majority of the disorder's actions involve other people. Compulsive behavior needs a reward.  People are quite useful in that regard. Borderlines choose people who are forgiving. They choose people who have been trained from childhood to overlook abuse or that are "fixers." Borderlines use inconsistency to deflect your idea of consistent behavior- they swing back and forth on a pendulum. That inconsistency is a repetitious compulsion of clinging/distancing that needs your forgiveness to continue. Chances are; you've already forgiven them many, many times and it never worked.

The fantasy has to be grieved.

The only way to treat people who abuse you is to take your power back and walk away.  You don't have to explain yourself, you just need to give yourself permission to be treated fairly and that begins with establishing what you will and what you won't stand for.

[seeking balance]

Eric,

You are hurt, your brain is trying to make sense of it... . BPD is not rational - but there are facts to the disorder that are good to understand.

Read the lessons and articles, over and over.  Specifically, article 9 - 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck.  Member 2010 is a great resource too.

Right now, you are operating in a FOG - fear, obligation, guilt... . the way to come out of the fog is to allow yourself the possibility that you deserve better, as such, give yourself a break from this woman as she is only pushing your FOG button.

Train your brain to focus on the facts when it wants to picture her with her new boyfriend.

You have the power to move past this, give yourself the time and self-discipline necessary.

Peace,

SB

[me757]

If you look at my last topic I posted yesterday on the leaving board you'll see what can happen if you go NC. My ex has started calling and texting like crazy and it's hard to not respond... . but you know what is easier to do yet a lot worse? Responding and letting them realize that they still have you hooked, giving them that ego boost, and then dropping you again until the next time they need to check in to make sure you're still an orbiter.

I don't know if you've had an experience like I did but I saw how my BPD treated her ex's while we were together and I saw how she strung them along to keep them hooked. If I wasn't available, they were there to keep her from being alone. When I feel sad about not responding, I think about that. I put my ego aside and realize that I was an orbiter after we broke up all the way until I went NC. That is why my ex is blowing up my phone. If you have any story to use to keep you NC, use it. NC is hard but it brings back some desperately needed self-worth that these BPD's suck out of us. From what I've read from your post, I wouldn't be surprised if your ex acts like mine is right now if you go NC. Deny them the ability to use us. I'm 21 days NC after 8 months of post-break up bs like you are going through. Those 8 months were wasted because I didn't detach.

One last thing, I don't know if this is actually the greatest reason to go NC but realize that by letting her know you're hooked to her, it is probably letting her new relationship coast more smoothly. If they have back-ups then they probably won't fear abandonment as much and that might actually make their current relationship STRONGER in their eyes. Of course the non would hate it but if the BPD hides it from them then it won't affect the relationship. I might be wrong but I really believe that being their back up's reduce their BPD triggers and keep their current relationships going.

[Eric1]

I still feel terrible for sending that message. I've now completely shut her out my life & I know now that we won't have any contact.  It helps for me to get over the relationship, but I don't want for us to never speak to each other again. I think I might email her explaining what i done and why.

It's so hard.

[me757]

The more you chase her, the more power she has and the more she will treat you like crap. Chasing her will not get her back - just the opposite. I think you should go NC now. I understand your fear of never talking again. I had it but the problem is that you don't let go and you find yourself still attached when, if you had have gone NC to begin with, you'd be much further along. Sending another email is only delaying your recovery. Explaining anything to an exBPD is pointless anyway. If you already sent an email saying why you want to go NC then there isn't really anything else to say.

[Eric1]

How it panned out... . I seen her at a part last saturday. It set me back & i ended up contacting her on the sunday, saying i still had feelings for her - wrong, i know. She replied that she didn't feel the same and appologised. I siad thats its fair enough, i've been hanging on & need to let go.

Then i went back to NC.

She then texted 6 days later, about a program we used to watch and a song i needed to listen to. The song had lyrics which said "please forgive me, sorry that i hurt you"

Obviously this got me going again i ended up contacting her. We contacted back and forth as to why she sent it, she just said it was a simple message. I then contacted her monday saying we can't be in contact.

Shes turned it on me, saying she was only replying because she didn't want to hurt me & now she wished she didn't bother & ignored me.

I know feel like crap because she was obviously only doing it to be nice.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Eric1,

     " Shes turned it on me, saying she was only replying because she didn't want to hurt me & now she wished she didn't bother & ignored me.

I know feel like crap because she was obviously only doing it to be nice."  Uh... . no.  This "push/pull" thing is part of the disorder.  You will figure out over time that she isn't actually able to do things "... . to be nice."  Keeping you involved with her, as has been pointed out, is all about her needs and nothing at all about love.  For her, love is just fulfilling her needs, not the self-sacrificing thing you feel for her.

     "I've now completely shut her out my life & I know now that we won't have any contact. "  Uhhh... . wanna bet?  I'll bet you one billion imaginary bars of gold that you won't find it anywhere near that easy to shut her out of your lfe.  And that's OK right now as you're probably not ready yet to continue the process of detachment.  This is work and it takes time.  You'll move along at the pace you can.  Trust me though, this isn't a regular r/s where you tell the girl goodbye (or much more likely, she tells you) and that's the end of it.  I wish it were so.  Read more on this site and you will understand what is really going on with her -- and with you.  Hang in, man.  We're with you, as we're all somewhere on this path ourselves.

LT

[Eric1]

I've never felt pain like this. I'm a grown man & it's brought me to tears. All i wanted to do was the honourable thing by saying that we shouldn't have any contact. And she throws it back in my face saying "don't message me again and i won't have to reply will I"

But she texted me after I initiated no contact. She said she felt guilty for hurting me & that she wish she never bothered.

I couldn't follow a pattern of week to week having the odd text from her as all it does is screw me up, but n

[mitchell16]

Eric1, Im sorry you are struggling with this, I too am. Its very complex issue and after all this time with mine and as much time as I have spent on this board I still struggling trying to make sense out of something that cant be made sense of.  but mine has done this many times to me. Once she broke up with me, toldme she idnt feel the same way, didnt want to to do this. We didnt speak for about 3 or 4 weeks. Then she started texting, I answered. Then it went to calling, Once night she called me drunk and messed up. She started pouring her heart out to me about how she missed me and loved me. Anyway we hung up. I went to sleep that night thinking that we were gettimg back together, I mean who wouldnt? the next morning she called and asked did we need to talk about the night before conversation. I asked was we getting back togther. She said what made you think that. I esxplained what was said. She said well I ment all that but I dont want back togther and hung up. She said sorry I didnt mean to confuse you I was just telling you my feelings. We got back togther a few weeks later but I was crushed whens he said that. Of ocurse who would believe that she wnated back, she called, expressed her love and how much missed me. In other words once she heard me say the exact same words back to her that was enough to fill the void. She didnt care how it made me feel, she just got her fix.

Mine broke it off we me again, Ive lost count how many times this has happened. But after 6 days of being broke up and nc from both us. She started texting. I started responding and the texting increased and a few phone calls starting happening. Now during these phone calls not one ever said I love you or miss you, Im sorry I want us back togther. In other words aslong as she was getting her fix with no effort, she would be happy to use me for comfort, emotional support, or wahtever else she needed. and I would be stuck, hanging on wishing, hoping one day we would get back together. while she went flipping around whichever direction she wanted to go ahead while keeping me on the hook. Its a win win. for her. when we were broke up and she was wanting a recycle, mine would send me songs, pictures of scripture, naked pictures, sexual suggestive texts, 3 in morning text message, use  common friends to call or whatever and it always worked and I was willing. But I made it so easy for her it was ridiculous. In other words like someone else said, aslong as she thinks she still has you, she will careless about you. Ive learned this the hard way.

[Eric1]

It's funny how our situations are the same. I think what made me struggle this time round is that I know I won't get the 3am drunk phone calls telling me she misses me etc

It works in my favour if she does stay away. I did tell her that I still care about her in my last message that I still care about her, but she didn't reply.

It's my birthday tomorrow as well.  I've never been so disinterested. She won't wig me happy birthday & that really, really hurts.

[slimmiller]

Eric1,

I know its hard but fact is every time there is any contact it renews the wound. In a normal relationship there is respect and if it ends, closure. In a BPD, there is no closure. We want to show our wounds (emotionally) to them and say, 'look what you did, you hurt me'. In the normal situation the person will have compassion and empathy and say sorry. They will also mean it. In BPD, they will instead rip off the scab (what little healing there has been) and instead rub salt in the wound.

I know its hard but realize it was not real. It was always about her. She used you and continues to do so. I would block her number and dont let her have space in your head anymore. It does not matter what you do, she just wants to know that in your head she exists and she will use that time to waste yours.

In a way, consider yourself lucky. I had three kids with mine and that is a complete Hell in itself (co parenting) So if you can, sever ties

[mitchell16]

Eric1, I to thought same thing many times with each break up and I mean I bet it was over 12 in 2.7 years I thoght I would never hear from her again. and I always did in some form, phone call, text messages, emails, messages thru friends, driving to my house, standing in front of my job, coming in my favorite resturant. Mind to said on many occasions she know longer felt the same, she didnt want this or want that. But she always came back and then she had a way of explaining herself that made sense to me. But and this is the main thing It always happened again, again and again and would continue forever until one of us got tired of it all and walked away. and each time I allowed myself to go back, I started building up resentment towards myself. I resented her but I resented myself more. becasue In my heart I knew she would just do it all over again and all the weeks healing and suffering with being lonley I had to start back over again and go back thru the pain and misery all of over again. The last time prior to this break up we had stayed apart over 2 months. I stayed nc even when she attempted conatct about every 10 days to 3 weeks. I was doing pretyy good. I had started dating again. I know a little quick but I wanted to try and move on. She caught me at work one day, we talked, she poured her heart out about  how she missed me, how I still the love of her life and how she knew it was all her fault the break up and how she had been in therapy. I wanted her and still loved her and I missed her so much. But guess what? with in two months here I am again. she twisted it alla round, claimed she only came back becasue I poured out my heart to her that day in front of my job. Didnt happen. also it was once again my fault accoring her. So if you can stay strong I beleive it will get better.

[Eric1]

Every story is the same! But, why can't I hate her for what she done?

I tried to be sincere about not contacting and I end up apologising!

I think she's already with someone else, so I won't be contacted again.

[Gaslit]

More wisdom from 2010 on WHY they will swing back around, making it seem like they want you, only to snatch it away, sometimes almost immediately or the next morning. (I always wondered what happened while they slept! ha)

"Their ultimate goal is not love. Their ultimate goal is the *longing* for love. Their disorder is a process of seductive, clinging and hating behaviors that run on a continual loop.  :)epending on how strong your boundaries are- that loop becomes more defined.  Precise boundaries cement the change of seasons for them. Hating behaviors turn quickly to seduction again when they think you are a challenge. It's that LONGING for love that they live for. Once they have you- it's back to clinging and hating. Borderline personality is a disorder that appears like love- but is actually loathesome fear for the BPD."

Do you see what is happening now?

[Eric1]

How can I be certain that she does have BPD? I'm only going on what she was like and the research I've gathered.

It's almost like I don't want to believe it.

I've never, ever felt like this before.  I've had break ups in the last the hurt and took some time to get over, but this is different.

[seeking balance]

How can I be certain that she does have BPD? I'm only going on what she was like and the research I've gathered.

It's almost like I don't want to believe it.

Ah... . bargaining begins... .

Certainty is not likely to happen unless she has a T who tells you... .

A wise person said to me, you lived this pattern of unhealthy behavior, why do you need a diagnosis to justify your own feelings.

Your feelings are real and they matter.

[Eric1]

Well, it's my birthday. She hasn't messaged & I doubt she will.

I shouldn't have told her not to contact anymore when that's the opposite of what I want. I miss her a lot & I shouldn't. I shouldn't be crying on my birthday, but I am.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I almost have to contact her.

[Bach Cantatas]

Well, it's my birthday. She hasn't messaged & I doubt she will.

I shouldn't have told her not to contact anymore when that's the opposite of what I want. I miss her a lot & I shouldn't. I shouldn't be crying on my birthday, but I am.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I almost have to contact her.

I felt as you do just one month ago. Same reasons, same feelings. Stand fast and hold firm! The change in my feelings from then on have been remarkable. You WILL slowly recover if you hold firm.

[Eric1]

I've got the urge to contact her & say that we can make exemptions on Birthdays.

I was doing well, but since i've told her we can have any contact, i'm really struggling.

[Bach Cantatas]

I've got the urge to contact her & say that we can make exemptions on Birthdays.

I was doing well, but since i've told her we can have any contact, i'm really struggling.

"Birthday Contact" risks drawing you back into her orbit. In a few hours this date will be history and your future will still be in YOUR hands if you keep resolute ERic!

[Eric1]

I don't know why I’m hung up on it. She was nasty, spiteful & deceitful. But, i miss the good times. I do miss our chats & our banter. We had the same humour, taste in music. We could sit there and chat whilst drinking about everything. It would usually end up in an arugement come the end, but i sort of miss that too.

I've been seeing a girl, its too soon, i know. She is kind, sweet & pretty. But,  we just don't have the same connection.

It feels like i will never find someone like her again. I know i shouldn't want to because she destroyed me, but when we did connect it was amazing.

I've never wanted her to reach out to me before. She must know its my birthday, but i suppose she's only agreeing to the no contact.

[NiceGuy83]

We had the same humour, taste in music.

Actually, you probably didn't.  BPD people mirror those they are around.  With another, different guy, she will like all of his music, etc.  I found this out with my most recent ex, who mirrored my atheist views for two years, then mirrored the religious views of her new BF once we split.

I've been seeing a girl, its too soon, i know. She is kind, sweet & pretty. But,  we just don't have the same connection.

It is probably far too soon, and you run the risk of hurting this new girl.  But you do need to recognise that the connection you had with your ex was probably false.  True love is not based on finding an exact replica of yourself; it's in valuing another person for their differences as much as their similarities to you.

I've never wanted her to reach out to me before. She must know its my birthday, but i suppose she's only agreeing to the no contact.

Be honest, never?  Or every day?  When these breakups are fresh and raw, we torment ourselves.  We try to get the 'power back' by saying we want NC, but secretly we want that to prompt them to chase US.  She won't do that, it would seem.  So now you want to reach out to her... . why?  What you had seems most likely to be done now.  If you got back with her, could it ever be good?  Could it ever work? 

Were you truly miserable and lost before you met her?  I hope not.  If the answer s 'Yes', you probably need to address those issues soon.  If the answer is 'No', then that shows that you CAN be happy without her, but you need to give yourself a chance, and stop tormenting yourself over contact etc. 

I feel for you buddy.  Try to stay strong.  Clearly other girls like you, and you WILL be happy again, but I don't think 'rebounding' is the way to heal the pain.

[Eric1]

The thing is, she did genuinly have the same taste in music as me. There was some stuff she didn't like, but she told me that. The way our humour worked was we could laugh at whatever situation we were in. Unless, of course she was in a bad mood, then we wouldn't. But, even watching TV we would laugh together. She made me laugh, really laugh.

I was happy before i met her. I let myself go in the relationship, didn't get fat or anything, but i couldn't really go to the gym because i didn't have the time & thats what really gives me my confidence. So, im back in the gym.

I live on my own. I have friends, but its upsetting knowing that she was going to live me with me & when i finish work, i got home to an empty house.

I don't want to hurt this other girl, because it's not fair on her, so i'm going to tell her that at this moment in time, i'm not in a mentally strong enough place to warrant a relationship of any kind.

I know time heals all, but when you feel like you've lost the love of your life, it cripples you.

I did think she was my soulmate & i think thats why i put up with so much ___.

[NiceGuy83]

Eric, there can be plenty of good times in a BPD relationship, or we wouldn't get into them.  But soul-mates don't make you put up with 'so much ___'.

It sounds like you have confidence issues around your image - that's pretty common around us nons, but be aware that how you looked probably had very little to do with a BPD's person's feelings towards you... . despite anything to the contrary they may have said, good or bad.  It's about finding someone they can manipulate and control.

My last ex went into complete denial over the manipulation point, when I challenged her on it.  This is despite the fact that, as part of her AA recovery program, she had made a list of all of her previous relationships, and how she had behaved badly in them.  One of two words came up for every single guy (sometimes both words)... . 'manipulate' and 'torture'.  They can admit it to themselves; they can be conscious that they are doing it... . but they can rarely be THAT honest about themselves to you, as the SO. 

[Eric1]

You're right. I think my confidence took a battering when i was in the relationship. One of my close friends pulled me to oneside after the break up and said to me "What has happened to you?"


And... . as i'm typing... . she's texted. I haven't opened it.

[NiceGuy83]

Oh man, tell me about it!  I literally CRIED on the shoulder of a friend at his own birthday party!  And I'm usually the life and soul of parties!

What do you want to do with the text, Eric?  Curiousity is a killer, but do you think the contents will help, or recycle your emotions to a bad place again?  If the latter... . why not just hit delete?  And continue to do so for any more she sends?  Do you think you can do that, buddy? 

[Eric1]

I think it's just wishing me happy birthday, which is what i did want.

I can't desribe the elation of seeing the name pop up, but i'm ___ scared of opening it.

[Hazelrah]

I think it's just wishing me happy birthday, which is what i did want.

I can't desribe the elation of seeing the name pop up, but i'm ___ scared of opening it.

Will it help if we wish you happy birthday, and you ignore the text?

Lord, do I understand that feeling of fear you describe when seeing a text or an e-mail from that person... . and I was with a helpless waif with limited instances of raging.  It is such an unnatural feeling to have.  I've taken to turning my phone off and ignoring e-mail for stretches. 

[NiceGuy83]

Haha, Hazelrah makes a great point.  Happy Birthday, Eric! :D

Bud, I know that feeling of being both excited to have the contact, but frightened it will be hurtful... . or even worse, that it will be nice, and confuse me further.

It is kind of telling that despite you wanting NC, she has ignored your spoken wishes, and done what she wants to do, regardless.  Buddy, whatever's in that text, I doubt any good will come over tearing yourself up.  Either read it or delete it.  What have you got planned for the weekend?  Drinks with your friends to celebrate your birthday?

[haliewa1]

After months of NC I saw that my exBPDgf had called me and left a message.  I can't tell you how my stomach churned and the urge to not open the message was stronger than the urge to listen to it.  I deleted it and have to say I am better off for doing so.  What a circus I have entered into with this person I thought was my "forever" partner? 

[slimmiller]

If you delete it, you are taking a giant step forward.

If you read it you are playing Russian Roulette with your heart.

[haliewa1]

A question you may want to ask yourself is whether or not the pain of continuing this type of cyber gymnastics is worth wasting one more minute of your time?  It's easy to say move on and it's not so easy to do it but when you consistently stay away from this contact, that will mark the beginning of your healing and all you have to do at that point is quietly wish the next "boyfriend" the best because he will need it, badly!

[Eric1]

I still haven't opened it. I'm off out for some beers now with friends & I don't want to know what it says. I'll wait till I'm in private and see.

I did say that we can't have any contact, but I assume she'll mention this and say she just wanted to say happy birthday.

It's crazy how somebody can get you reacting in this way.

[Eric1]

Looked at the text, it said sorry to text but I have to happy birthday hope you're having a good day.

Didn't reply.

She then tried calling me twice. It's 1:00am English time.

I don't know what to do.

[Eric1]

So,

I had a phone call this morning from her. I awnsered as i was still in a daze from last night. She appologised for trying to call as she said it was not fair. But, we had a chat for a good 30 mins. Didn't mention anything about the relationship, but the phone call was quite good. It has actually helped me.

She said that i'm the only one that doesn't seem to judge her. She's fallen out with her work friend over a night out because she got drunk & angry (standard). She still hates her job and is miserable about it (standard), sound as if she's over spending, shes started smoking full time, which she kept telling me she thinks she now as asthma. She was driving home after being out last night, don't know who with & i don't want to know. But, she kept asking for reasurance because she was going to bunk off work.

It's made me wake up, that even though i'm out of her life, she still can't register and find happiness.

I was going to ask if she wanted to meet for a coffee, so i can sit her down and tell her what i think is up with her, but i really don't know if thats my place to.

[slimmiller]

It's made me wake up, that even though i'm out of her life, she still can't register and find happiness.

I was going to ask if she wanted to meet for a coffee, so i can sit her down and tell her what i think is up with her, but i really don't know if thats my place to.

Untill one can be happy on their own, they can not add much to anothers life. They are looking to take from you to fill their lack and with BPD thats what they do. They suck it out of you by seducing you and making you vulnerable. Its NEVER about you, always about them. If it seems to be about you its because she is propping you up (emotionally) to then cut you down. Its like a gardener plants and nurtures a plant only to cut it down and harvest it.

As for you meeting her for coffee and trying to 'fix' her by telling her her problem, its like sticking your finger into a bee hive and hoping you wont get stung. If she wanted to fix what she lacks, she would already be looking for that. She is looking to feed her emptiness (thus she contacts you because in her own words, you dont judge her) She has no need to fix anything as longs as you are talking to her. You are that 'fix'

I sat mine ex BPD down and had an in-depth two hour convo including showing her several books on it, and she GOT it. The very next day, she completely FORGOT it and it was back to the same of ___. She had again made contact with *him*  so she didnt need to face her problems.

My point is, do what you have to but I would bet almost anything that its completely futile and in the end she will just suck more out of you

[Eric1]

It's made me take notice that not much has changed for her, where i am taking steps to change myself.

I still care for her deeply, whether i should or not. And i'm now, after the elation of speaking to her is dying, starting to miss her again. I suppose thats what happens tho.

[Blade99d]

Eric,

I am in a similar boat.  Have not seen my ex in 3+ months now, have not texted with her in nearly 3 months, yet I think about her daily.  Ive said in several posts how much fun we had, and for some reason, i cant seem to find that fun without her.  Maybe it isnt her, so much as having someone in my life period.  She as left me devastated, but she has also made me take a deep look at myself and for the first time in my adult life, I am talking to a T bout my issues.  So I am thankful to her in an odd way.  I do know this, in a normal relationship people dont have wild crazy unprotected sex on the first date.  I do know this, in a normal relationship you dont get hammered drunk with your SO every night.  I do know this, in a normal relationship, both persons feelings and opinions matter, not just the queen bee's.  But, knowing all this, I still spend a tremendous amount of time saying what if, or maybe if I had done this instead of that... . this is hard unlike any challenge I have had in life. 

[me757]

I still care for her deeply, whether i should or not. And i'm now, after the elation of speaking to her is dying, starting to miss her again. I suppose thats what happens tho.

It's very simple what you need to do. It's also very hard because you get addicted to BPD's. NC. You talked to her, got your high, and now are craving the next hit. This doesn't end until you end it. It took me 7 months after I broke up with my BPDex to realize this. Don't invite her out for coffee. You are still trying to fix her, which is how a lot of us get sucked back in. It'll only send you back even further. Do you want to be unemotionally available while she hooks up with a new guy and uses you? It's the ultimate sign of disrespect. Respect and love yourself and go NC. What I did was send my ex an email saying what I wanted and initiated NC. It wasn't an email to get a response out of her or to get her back. That's the important part. Don't use NC to get them back, get away. Mine was an email so that I could end it with peace and even though she has called me 10 times and left texts begging to talk to me, I haven't responded. I feel so much better now 23 days later of NC. I feel my self worth coming back because I took back my power and will not be her orbiter or shoulder to cry on. The girl is using you to soothe her pains and will drop you as soon as she knows she has you again hence why she texted on your bday to make sure you were still hooked. It's that simple. You're more than a band-aid and if you move on from this, you can find a better person who realizes that.

[Spartan999]

I don't chime in too often,  but you are in a position I got put in a few times,  where my ex reached out and shocked me with contact.   But to her,  I was just a random old friend to catch up on her hilites of things that were not going here way... . Air conditioning quit working,  one of her best guy friends that she had put in the friend zone was now begging her to date again,  and that they now 'no longer talk' after 7 years of friendship (no sympathy from me on that one, obviously he was addicted as well),   someone tried to break in her house,   etc... etc... .    I was thinking a reconnect was happening if I just was super cool and relaxed,  because hey, SHE contacted me out of the blue... .  but I GOT USED... .  Like you, I thought hey,  her life isn't all that peachy,  so for a brief moment I felt some relief... .  but basically I validated all her behavior and treatment of me,  by listening, playing dumb, and saying kind things to her.    On each of the three random contacts,  I fell for the fantasy thinking,  and all 3 times,  she dropped me on my head like a ROCK once her 'crisis' was over.    LIKE A ROCK,  not even a thank you have a nice day... . months separated each of those repetitive scenarios.      I know now how weak we are at truly accepting the reality of their behavior and actions.   My birthday is coming up in 9 days,  and my last contact was by her 3 days before her birthday in June... . we engaged for 3 days leading me all the way into doing what I would have normally not reached out and done, and that was calling her and eventually sending her best wishes for her birthday by text... . she thanked me,  NEVER HEARD from again.    AND thus the continued crux of the detachment,  is that my birthday represents a NO WIN situation until the point in time I'm truly disconnected in my thoughts... . Because if she sends a text wishing me happy birthday (having dropped me on my head after that was the LAST thing I spoke to her,  KINDNESS she did not deserve),   then she will feel good about herself,   and if I reply,   she wins,  she gets validated in her behavior again... .  There would have been NO sincerity behind it if I get a text,  just a moment of feeling obligated, to cover her bases... . it will have Z E R O meaning.    Now, if she texts me and I do not reply,  then she can feel at peace knowing I was now the shallow guy who had no class to even respond back,  which will continue to justify how she wants to percieve me.

My thoughts in summation... . I've been where you are,  the exact sense of feeling good seeing they are not living the perfect life,  but then finding out I was being used, the short contact and momentary feeling of validation was FALSE and ended up ripping the scabs off  ALL 3 TIMES... . and I'm starting to go from heartbroken to hateful... .    they do NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.    Oh, how I dread my birthday coming up as well, and knowing contact or no contact will be in the back of my head and will leave me disturbed no matter what.   And that is subconsciously a switch I cannot prepare for and turn off.

[Spartan999]

SLIMMILLER WAS DEAD ON... . print that out and put it on your fridge... . I think I will... .

[Eric1]

I'm going NC again. Its screwing me up, bigtime. All im doing now is checking my phone to see if she's messaged me & like you said, she doesn't care.

She got her problems off her chest with me because she knows i listen, then she can carry on. I expect i'll get another call in a few weeks when she has another problem, but hopefully i'll be out the woods a bit and strong enough not to awnser.

[me757]

Expect the calls to increase with NC and that will be the hardest part. But just remember how you feel right now when thinking of engaging again. It will get better with NC.

[Perfidy]

Ok... I'm sure I got this part right. They LIE to us. When she sends sad songs to you and says she don't want to hurt you... . What she REALLY means is that she WANTS to hurt you. From my own experience I believe this. Every time she says she don't want to hurt me I am emotionally destroyed. I am adhering to a policy of no contact. Burning the bridge. Scorched earth. For me. Not her.