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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Does a BPD / npd always have have someone else lined up?  (Read 1210 times)
Blade99d
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« on: July 31, 2013, 08:06:53 PM »

Subject says it all... . whats your experience?
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« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2013, 08:50:21 PM »

This is my experience after being with uBPD gf for nine years. The search was always on for a replacement. I always felt during good times and bad,but especially bad, that she was looking for greener grass. MySpace and Facebook were an unlimited source for her, but even a trip to the grocery store could spell disaster for me. I was on constant guard.

My reaction was to clam up, deny affection because of my own insecurities and fears. Her reaction to mine would be to ramp up the search. I have no idea how it lasted as long as it did. Finally a couple months ago she found someone "better than me". He is my age, 44, and still lives with his mom and dad. He's been in prison, is a deadbeat dad, and sounds like a real ass all around. She left the kids with me and got a little dump of an apartment that she can't afford. It is a train wreck.

I was always the one to break things off in the past. 6 recycles. There wasn't a replacement those times so she weaseled back into my life. When she did get one she was out like a bat out of hell and I believe she is gone for good. Actually I know she is because I am done.

Jp
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2013, 09:06:26 PM »

My ex is more NPD.  Yes he had his new supply lined up.  I think he had/has a few.  I think he was actually thinking of keeping me on the back burner for as long as he could keep her a secret.  I found out about her from a mutual friend.
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2013, 10:59:49 PM »

yes, my diagnosed BPDex gf certainly did/does.  She has dated/been with someone continuously for 7 years now, since she was 14 or 15.  Whenever she started.  While she was with me she was dating 3 guys in 3 different cities at once, 2 of us in a separate instance, and involved with a woman while dating me also.  Being alone is something she can't comprehend.  To me it would seem exhausting to be dating 3 guys at once, or to even be involved with more than one person at once.  The web of lies you have to create and maintain would kill me.  Such is life for her though.
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2013, 02:18:54 AM »

Yes... . Before we split we went through a bad patch... . all instigated by him and despite my best efforts he just did not seem to want to make it work.I know now that this was because he was "becoming friendly" with his ex wife again.Around my birthday he suddenly  became nice to me again and started to make the effort... . I now know this was because his exwife fell out with him.After our split he went back to her ( denied this to me) and painted me black.Then came back to me and tried to make things work.This was because his ex wife went back to her first husband ( my ex was hubby 3).Then I fell from the pedestal again... . according to him it was because I had become nasty and argumentative (not in my personality at all).In reality it was because he had taken up with an old school friend who lived some distance away.he was not able to tell me the truth about that either.Then they fell out... . guess what... . he tried to recycle me again.The worst part of it all is that my ex flatly refused to tell me the truth about these "other women"... . I got all of my information from other sources.When confronted he just lied and said I was being possessive and paranoid.
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laelle
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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2013, 02:30:06 AM »

I have no idea really, as my ex never let me even approach the subject.  If I did, I got demeaned and ignored.  I was only there to tell him how great he was and to stay silent.

My insecurities, wants and needs... . be damned!
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hardhabit2break

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« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2013, 04:40:50 AM »

My BPD H has someone on the side (now I question if he has in the past too) and I found out and have filed for divorce.  If she wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't be ready to let our marriage end. He actually said we would be better off if I never found out and it was my fault for hacking into his computer.  The delusional thinking amazes me.
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rollercoaster24
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« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2013, 05:37:58 AM »

Hi all and to laelle,

Yes, I relate to this. I feel like I was only there to tell him how great he was too, damn my insecurities, wants and needs!

Unless of course he had them himself, (which has always been at least 4 days per week used up with his dramas). Tonight he painted the relationship black, again told me that we need to spend time together in private, (pressuring me to again provide him with accommodation). Thing is, I have provided accommodation for the past 4 going into 5 now, years.

The fact that he has a mental illness, is violent, aggressive, threatening, paranoid, dangerous, and caused constant drama and trouble, not to mention attempted murders, damages to my property, reputation at work, (frequent public humiliations there and in general), threatened my family regularly, (indirectly through me), couldn't go one week without causing a fight, used sleep deprivation, threatened to find other women, (if I didn't feel like making love hours after a round of his verbal abuse), never crossed his mind as to why we aren't together anymore.

He wants to blame my family, (daughter and fiance' who also now board here). I kicked him out in favour of another 'bloke', (yea, my son in law, that BP instigated physical conflict with on my front lawn after I drove off refusing to defend myself to his rage). BP was given several opportunities to sit down and resolve his differences with them, and he refused to be at peace, so I chose to ask him not to stay here any longer.

He returned to his elderly parents, (at the ripe old age of almost 46, he has been using his parents as a free stop gap for the past 13 years), he feels entitled to, and quite frankly, it is his Mother who has been his biggest enabler. She still is really, even though now, even she is reaching her limits with him. She is seeing what he is truly capable of, suspects he has a drug habit too, and he has taken to using extreme verbal abuse with her too, over the past months.

She keeps reminding him that he needs to leave their house, even though she knows he has nowhere else to go, she is putting the pressure on him, and I cannot say I blame her, he is dangerous, unpredictable, and has often used violence against his elderly Father too, (restraining orders and trips to the hospital are frequent for his parents coping with him staying there).

BP's biggest grudge is with his Father, (apparently his Father was exactly the same when younger), but I think the Mother is the biggest problem, by enabling it all for so many years, never seeking help until now, yet it's impacted the whole family for the past 20 something years.

BP's other siblings are doing OK, although his younger sister, (youngest in family) has Bipolar and is on medication, she is married now some ten years, but the parents don't let on all their stresses to her, because she simply doesn't cope well either.

He has two older brothers, both of which now don't have much to do with him, (too stressful and dangerous to their own lives). BP is terribly hurt about the younger brother, as they used to be very close, and had a lot in common, (drugs, alcohol, and cars), but BP also has a lot of grudges against that brother, and the feeling seems to be mutual, so they have limited contact these days, although BP never ceases to stop talking about it all.

BP has just dumped me again tonight, and frankly, I have told him never to contact me again, unless he is willing to seek help, I am tired of his blame, tired of his mind games, tired of my insecurities never being addressed, never being loved, cuddled or carressed, never having any intimacy, never having any time together that he hasn't managed to ruin 9 times out of 10, for the past 3.5 years.

My heart is broken, but it can't quite fall apart yet, because he has wanted to stay in touch on the phone each day, having what I call a faux relationship. Every time I have suggested spending time together, he always has an excuse, he always has an excuse for being a complete jerk really, and it has always been some aspect of my life's fault, which apparently gave him justification for his eternal abuse, eternal violence, threats, and generally *****behaviour.

I know deep down that I will likely never find another I will feel this deeply for again, but I just have to face the inevitable really. Otherwise I am to be eternally stuck in limbo for ever, with no life to live for.

I just have to let it go, as he did at the start.
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« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2013, 08:02:23 AM »

I certainly saw this behavior in the NPD I knew prior to my current reason for being here. He was ALWAYS scanning the room for whomever he could find -  an attractive single woman ("single" not necessarily meaning "unmarried" on whom he could swoop in and dazzle with his charm.  I swear it was as if he had headlights in his eyes he could turn on to "twinkle" mode for such attacks! I saw it when he was dating women and he swore he was devoted to them... . for all of maybe six weeks and then his tentacles would emerge. Even at his own home once when he hosted a professional event, he left his gf du jour to go into his kitchen to flirt with the woman he hired to serve food. I don't want to paint with broad strokes here but I suppose an analogy could be made to food for them... . imagine eating one thing all your life; it's as if they need that variety of people to feed their craving of adoration through constant supply of an ever changing smorgasbord.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2013, 08:47:11 AM »

Early in the r/s my ex would talk about how she thinks some guy at work liked her, and about emails and texts she'd still get from matches from match.com. I didn't think much of it because I mean, she was with me. But it did strike me as a little odd. It's not something I'd talk about, especially if I had "met someone." I'm not sure if she was actually "lining up" these guys as it was more or less a way of making me jealous and making her seem more desirable (I guess!). Once the honeymoon was off to the races and we were planning our wedding (within 2-3 weeks of meeting) I don't believe the thought of another guy ever crossed her mind. I was still the White Knight.

But as is typical for a lot of these kinds of r/s's things end or get really hairy on an upswing when major intimacy is developing, within a few days of our wedding shower she went out with a co-worker. Nothing inappropriate may have happened at the time (except for going out while you are engaged, just after your wedding shower for the wedding you've been planning for months!). That was the beginning of the end. Thankfully, we didn't marry. She did actually end up dating him, hanging out again at least within 2 weeks of us breaking up, and exchanging "I love you's" within just a month or two, probably sooner. I know it lasted about a year... . which is about average for her longest r/s's, her two marriages, our engagement. I started dating her within 2 months of her divorce. Later I found that wedding page and she wrote that she was engaged to the "love of her life." It makes you wonder how long it takes for them to get what the problem is. Her latest just left her a few months ago, and she's been hooked on him and wanting him to return. I know all of this b/c I found her blog, saw her on a dating site, and I've talked to some people who knew her and us at the time. They confirmed her extremely chaotic relationship history, and that she really did talk well of me at one time. For the longest I wondered what I missed. But really it's just a part of who they are until they seek help. I've found out I tend to be a Rescuer and dating has been difficult b/c I'm having to work with getting comfortable with normal women. But I've recognized when they weren't and I haven't dated simply to avoid being alone.
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« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2014, 09:17:34 PM »

I am interested too in responses as mine did have one but now from what I know, he has no one.  I also have read on many other sites with BPD that it is more those with BPD comorbid with Dependent Personality Disorder that have replacements lined up where those with BPD and other PD may not.  Here is the link and it is at the bottom of the page for that info.

www.everything2.com/title/Borderline+personality+disorder
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2014, 11:15:23 PM »

My ex did, but he kept me as his primary until he was confident the replacement was suitable.  There was an overlap. 
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2014, 12:02:29 AM »

Mine was a Hermit when I met her. She was hoplessly attached to a previous bf who cheated on her and abandoned her. So in a sense, i was the replacement, emotionally... She was very honest about it in the beginning. In retrospect, she wanted to leave me for a year, but she had to find the replacement first. I stupidly gave her too much freedom to do so.
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« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2014, 12:11:44 AM »

I have no idea. Based on her past r/s, I would assume she was cheating on me all the time. But I don't know. We had a long distance r/s and I really didn't want to know, to be honest. She would always talk about all the men that were interested in her. And so many odd things happened that I still can't really explain. But, then again, there was a lot that was odd about her that I can't explain. Everything was just odd. So, who knows?

I'm assuming she did but maybe I'm just making that up in my mind.

At the end of the day though, does it matter?
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« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2014, 05:15:03 AM »

I apparently very common among BPD. After I broke up with my ex I first didn't believe that she had someone else lined up, because she always emphasized that she wasn't really into dating before she met me and that she didn't even expect to find a boyfriend before she goes back to her country (we studied abroad together).

But later I found out that she had indeed someone lined up when we broke up for good. Disgusting... . glad she is gone.
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« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2014, 08:02:14 AM »

No, exW did not have on lined up. After being split more than 2 years, she found a soother.

I think all highly depends on which part of the spectrum they functioning. It might be “common” for the real unstable ones.

Thinking about those that can’t maintain a r/s longer than a few months, up to a 2-5 years several and have shown a past of hopping from one to the next.

The best prediction for their future behaviour is their past…  

ExW is a “people cutter” did so with her parents at 18yrs , left in a rage, didn’t want any contact with them for a 10 yrs.

She did it again, a 3 years ago, …with me.   

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« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2014, 08:04:07 AM »

Yes.
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« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2014, 08:17:44 AM »

basically, yes they do. if they are doing the breakup with you then most likely they've found someone else already so then they invent reasons and act spiteful to instigate a reaction out of you. some don't want to 'cheat' (again?) so they will flirt and groom a replacement, sometimes smearing you in the process to explain. i have no evidence that my ex cheated physically, i broke up with her perhaps just before she was about to do so. i know she had a very inappropriate emotional affair via skype with her boy toy of years (he was in another country so maybe i lucked out on this one). but honestly i wouldn't put it past her to have really cheated. never thought she would while we were together, last thing on my mind actually, but afterwards seeing her patterns and how nasty she got towards whoever she was with when she wanted something else i can't rule out the possibility.

perhaps she didn't 'cheat' on my replacement? poor guy though she played him hard. he wasn't too tall or attractive... she 'just talked' with another guy at a bar (not sure if her real bf was there with her or not) and gave out her phone number. her bf talked to her about it and this angered her (whatever) so they broke up. then she's sleeping with the guy she was flirting with, even though she claimed she wasn't attracted to him at all and was totally devoted to replacement #1. so, got him jealous on purpose, used his reaction and her verbal abuse to induce a breakup... . and lo and behold, don't cha know this random 'plutonic' friend ends up being her next bf... . it's her pattern. i learned about a lot of this stuff a while after the fact. she did it again at least 2 times since then. last i heard she was dating one guy, dropped him and started dating his friend--this way it causes more pain for the first guy. it's sad really.

when i see newer people posting, i cringe when i hear things like "we've decided to take some time off, but we're not seeing anyone else"--ya, right. as if a pwBPD is going to be alone... . the biggest part of the illness is that they can't be alone. i understand their confusion though, who would think someone is capable of this without experiencing it first? so have to try and warn people gently.
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2014, 09:47:21 AM »

I was in a r/s with a uBPD woman who was having an extra-marital affair with me.  She told me that, during marriage counselling her husband said she "always had one foot out the door" and that she had not been alone since she was 16 (30 now, had been with husband 8 years).  She recently divorced her (likely uBPD/NPD) husband when she found out that HE had someone on the side, broke it off with me at the same time saying she "needed to be alone" to "learn who she was."  Then in 2 weeks she was dating someone new with whom she is now "serious."

So my answer would be yes. 
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2014, 09:51:48 AM »

when i see newer people posting, i cringe when i hear things like "we've decided to take some time off, but we're not seeing anyone else"--ya, right. as if a pwBPD is going to be alone... . the biggest part of the illness is that they can't be alone. i understand their confusion though, who would think someone is capable of this without experiencing it first? so have to try and warn people gently.

I would totally agree with you on that one. Unfortunately it seems that BPD's can not be alone... . EVER. Just because you don't know about your replacement, does not mean your BPD darling doesn't have one, or isn't scoping the landscape for one. I too thought when my ex and I would "take a break", it was just to reflect on our relationship etc. It was not until we broke up for the final time (in which she did have my ex-friend as my replacement lined up), that I discovered that in actuality she was out dating and trying to find her next fix. It was a very painful discovery to make, and of course made me question the relationship as a whole. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced. They seem to lack the ability to commit to anything for long periods of time. Yes you may be married to your BPD for 10, 20 years, but really how committed where they to you and your relationship? What was going on behind your back that you were unaware of? Again I may sound jaded, but when it comes to this disorder I have learned that love, truth, commitment, honour and integrity are things that will be absent in a relationship with pwpd. As easily as you replaced the last "soulmate", you will be replaced also.
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« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2014, 10:09:25 AM »

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I am new to the board but this certainly seems correct to me.  The truth is, you are much better off if you never hear from them again.  In the beginning after the split, mine would occasionally contact me by text when she was depressed, then she would tell me how she was worried her new boyfriend would break up with her because of her emotional incontinence.  When I said I preferred not to talk about that, she would attack me for "always wanting to talk about our relationship" and that she "couldn't confide in me as a friend."  Keeping me around to meet some remaining unmet needs until the new guy could meet them I suppose.  She would also refuse to tell me she didn't love me anymore, saying "I don't love you like you want me to" or similar things, presumably also in an effort to keep me dangling just in case.  In any case, I've gone NC.  It is difficult but I know absolutely it is the best approach. 
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« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2014, 11:17:59 AM »

Mine seemed to always be working on lining someone up.  He claimed that he was working on stopping  this. He claimed he was not doing this for the last year of our relationship and that i didn't believe in him.

Altho i found him looking on a dating site on my very own computer not that long ago.  Tried to blame it on my kids.  Hmm... . sure.  In the end it got really rough and he kept breaking up with me and coming back. He lied about something big near the end and was trying to be very very nice before i found out. Being generous, buying me a rose, being very warm and loving etc. . Then when i found out he gave me a lame excuse for lying and in a drunken rage told me that i would probably throw him in a trash heap.I freaked out and gave him the ammunition he needed to call me the craziest woman he has ever met. I gave up.  I went no contact.  I couldn't do the push / pull thing he started again.  Now i don't hear from him.Except for calling me a coward twice on email last week and inviting me to get some serious therapy from a skilled and wise therapist.  So I am sure, as usual when we broke up, he's out there actively pursuing without having to try and hide it from me.  If he hasnt got anyone lined up that is secure, then he is definitely trying. He always did. Imagine one of his last texts telling me to take some time before my next relationship to consider my part in our relationship so i don't mess things up with the new person.
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2014, 11:32:30 AM »

I don’t want to hijack the post, but gettingoverit made some very interesting observations.

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I can relate to that behaviour. She didn’t even responded to absolute necessary talks in regard to my son. Never attended at his school, nor ever paid anything for his support.

She cuts people out of her life and hide, as she did earlier.

As I posted last week, suddenly their “inevitable urge” to mail and announce: I have met someone.

Of course in the meantime before she hooked him, she must have had a great time as she was free ( at last).

Although ex having a friend now, she is still emotional dissociative as I was told. Replaced me ad still dissociative? 

Yes you may be married to your BPD for 10, 20 years, but really how committed where they to you and your relationship? What was going on behind your back that you were unaware of? Again I may sound jaded, but when it comes to this disorder I have learned that love, truth, commitment, honour and integrity are things that will be absent in a relationship with pwpd. As easily as you replaced the last "soulmate", you will be replaced also.

Even longer…, it was in a way dormant, as strange as it might sounds. Really loving, committed and trustworthy, oh yes, must admit in retrospect, flaws have been all over the place.

Really started as kids got more independent, the love-objects didn’t respond as needed anymore. As in a normal r/s a mother is focussed on the child’s, common is a mans feeling of being neglected in these years.

On this side of the ocean (Europe), it is mentioned more than once that during midlife they end very suddenly (outbursts) long term relatively stable relationships (although that intensified flaws and for a few yrs. every 3 to 5 months outbursts).  

Fully related to this, and sporadic mentioned/described, is that as from 40-45+ the hormones of women change. The menopause begins, a normal biological process. During this process all women “get it on their nerves”. Add that to BPD  Smiling (click to insert in post)

During that stage, indeed as you describe, the disintegration towards my family became unstoppable, although by that time I knew of BPD and could canalize her in a way. It was not enough, obviously.

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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2014, 11:38:19 AM »

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I've been on here a year and a half.  2013 was basically hell in my r/s with my ex-BPD-bf.  As noted thru almost all of my posts since I joined, I've always thought he was my ex.  If we were ever back together, I never knew it until he'd dump me again!   He disappeared on me multiple different weekends in the past year.  Gee, I wonder why.

He was on dating websites I'm pretty sure for the last 3 years.  He's found a decent replacement for me now and has totally shut me out.

Oh, except for yesterday when he told me on IM (at work) that he loves me.  But by this morning he responded to a very desperate pathetic email I sent to him this morning in response to him actually being kind yesterday.  His response was beyond cruel.  Why sugar coat it, HE is beyond cruel.

Yes, when we were first seeing each other, there is no doubt that he was still talking to the last TWO ex girlfriends... .  once they happened to finally talk to one another and they exploded on him, I immediately became priority number one, a goddess suddenly.  That was short lived.  :)umped, then loved, dumped then loved.  Fast forward 3 years and here I am.  :)umped and loved.  While he is living a lie being the good buy BF to this new girl.  I actually truly feel badly for her.  She has a 2 year old and she just has no concept of what is going to happen.

I hope to God she has a backbone and kicks him to curb - but only as soon as I am CONFIDENT that I will not respond to him again.

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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2014, 01:27:57 PM »

Well, I'm am still undecided (ish) but thought I'd give this section a quick look.

At the beginning of our relationship she was very flirty even with other men.

I told her that I wouldn't accept that kind of behavior especially if we're committed to each other.

She realized her mistake and admitted it was unacceptable.

Some weeks later, I get home, turn the laptop on and there is her FB page that she left on.

I couldn't help but notice the conversation that was still open in the window with an old sex partner of hers.

I confronted her about it that same day and she denied it... . until I showed her the screenshot 

She apologized again, started crying and promised she would never betray me.

She deleted him off her facebook and texted him it was no longer ok to text her.

We moved past these incidents and the rest of our relationship she was faithful.

The reason for that is (imo) that her mother suffered the same disorder. Her mother had men in and out of he house while her dad (who turned out not to be her dad, but had known all along) was working.

She said she hated her mother for acting so selfishly and despised everything she represented.

I remember her saying how she never wanted to be like her mother.

In the last few months of our relationship she started making efforta with her appearance. Mainly when she'd leave for work though.

When we split up last week I asked her, if she had met anyone, if she had anyone in mind, what her plans were?

She replied that she hadn't met anyone and that she wasn't interested in meeting anyone just yet.

As of right now, we're friends and are trying to work things out. We've been calling each other (once a day) and she's sent me messages about how her day is going, as if nothing had happened etc... .

The point that was brought up is very interesting. It is true that I feel the only reason we're still "trying to figure things out" is because she doesn't have anyone else (yet).

That really bothers me but I still like to think that she's actually trying to make it work on her end.
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2014, 01:58:15 PM »

The point that was brought up is very interesting. It is true that I feel the only reason we're still "trying to figure things out" is because she doesn't have anyone else (yet).

That really bothers me but I still like to think that she's actually trying to make it work on her end.

Achingheart,

I hope for your sake that what you say is true. I truly hope that she is actually trying to make things work on her end. My ex said the same thing too, yet she ended up doing exactly what BPDs do. The question I have for you is can you trust her? Will you be constantly looking over your shoulder or wondering what she's up to when you're not around? My ex lied to face numerous times and I never caught her doing something as blatant as your gf. I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone. Bpd's over time do show a pattern of behavior. Everytime you recycle you move further and further into the FOG. Usually the outcome is worse for you than the pwBPD because they have already moved on to the next target, while you are stuck in the FOG going "What the h*ll just happened"? Please head these warnings. Proceed with caution. Know that your outcome has a good chance of being just another BPD statistic.
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« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2014, 03:00:26 PM »

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years definitely had to have someone else lined up.  When we got together in the fall of 2010 via an online dating site, she kept her profile active for several months (until I objected) and had a number of "cyber-guys" still texting and emailing her.  We were definitely exclusive and she still kept this activity going and told me about it.  Maybe month six of the r/s, she finally removed her dating site profile, but would still tell me about the texts from the guys.  She'd justify it by saying "it is ok to make your man know you are in demand".  I think it was more for fear that I'd catch on to her PD issues and boogie.

Then, about two years in to the r/s when we were struggling she told me she met a client at work who she exchanged numbers with with and the dude was texting her.  She said she'd contact him and tell him she wasn't interested.  Again, she was lining him up in case we split.  Well, we split for two weeks shortly after and she dated him during the short two week window.  She even talked about him a lot after we got back together until I told her I really didn't want to hear about it.  He supposedly cried when she told him we got back together.  So, fast forward to a year later and I was completely struggling with the emotional abuse.  We talked about splitting up, but stayed together until early December.  Within a week she had another guy going and then a month later, she was back with the guy from a year prior.  I have heard that she is moving (along with her kids) to his house.  Poor, stupid sap and this is all great news to me because she is moving away from my block to over 30 miles away. 

Again, she totally had guys lined up each time we split and in the end she cycled through two guys before shacking up with a third just four months out of a 3+ year r/s.  SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW!
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« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2014, 03:23:52 PM »

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18 yrs. God was I BLIND!  Anyway she not only has a replacement lined up but she had multiple to choose from. I was able to open her cell phone records on line... . WOW it was SCARY to see how many people she was communicating with at one time. She was literally OUT OF CONTROL, texting and calling people every 5 minutes. She finally settled on my neighbor as her new victim (poor sap) but I know for a fact that there are others... . God she was not what she portrayed herself to be.  Thank the good Lord above I FINALLY found out. better latte than never.  The TRUTH has set me FREE!
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« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2014, 04:15:30 PM »

I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone.

I have to agree with gettingoverit here, which leads me to a related question i've been thinking about.  Right before she married her now ex-husband, my exBPDgf slept with another guy, then felt "so guilty" that she confessed to her husband.  Then, after trading racy pictures with an ex-boyfriend and getting a woman at work to tell her she was in love with her, she started seeing me (while she was still married... . I know).  While she was seeing me, she'd intermittently tell me how she was "feeling guilty" and would pull away from me, only to come back later.  After her divorce, when she ultimately split with me, she told me that "once" when she was seeing me she met a guy in a bar and kissed him and then "felt horribly guilty" the next day.  After she moved on to the current guy, she told me not to text her (I wasn't) because she was serious about the new guy and "didn't want to have to lie to him."

My question is: is not just cheating, but cheating then claiming enormous guilt and talking about how you want to be a better person and whatever, is that part of the whole BPD phenomenon?  Is it a waifish thing?  What do people think?
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« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2014, 05:08:27 PM »

I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone.

I have to agree with gettingoverit here, which leads me to a related question i've been thinking about.  Right before she married her now ex-husband, my exBPDgf slept with another guy, then felt "so guilty" that she confessed to her husband.  Then, after trading racy pictures with an ex-boyfriend and getting a woman at work to tell her she was in love with her, she started seeing me (while she was still married... . I know).  While she was seeing me, she'd intermittently tell me how she was "feeling guilty" and would pull away from me, only to come back later.  After her divorce, when she ultimately split with me, she told me that "once" when she was seeing me she met a guy in a bar and kissed him and then "felt horribly guilty" the next day.  After she moved on to the current guy, she told me not to text her (I wasn't) because she was serious about the new guy and "didn't want to have to lie to him."

My question is: is not just cheating, but cheating then claiming enormous guilt and talking about how you want to be a better person and whatever, is that part of the whole BPD phenomenon?  Is it a waifish thing?  What do people think?

While with a "healthy" person, these behaviors might be seen as confusing and manipulative, for a pwBPD, these sounds like periodic dissociative episodes. The guilt is the later realization and shame over the behavior, which really centers around them, not us. I experience living with my uBPDx the realization that she partially dissociated from reality for months while living my my house. She detached from me, the kids partially, and the household. It was like living with a different person. To put it in perspective for what you wrote, she later referred to her "mistake" (the cheating) as if it happened only once months previously. I knew that she was going full bore BPD love bombing and romance with the guy "offline" anyway. I found mounds of evidence on stuff she wrote to him on the computer. Yes, it was lying, but she felt guilty enough to hide it, yet kept doing it. She had to still partially dissociate to hide the shame over what she was doing. She finally came back to her "emotional baseline" two months later, but was secure in living the double life, "compartmentalizing" and having a "fragmented" personality, as my T put it.

Another thing to add: she felt guilty (while still doing it), and I asked her if she did at all, because my gut feeling was that she didn't. This was in a two week period where I thought we could work things out. ":)o you feel sorry at all for what you did to me?" She replied, "I don't know... . I'm still processing it." Her shame wasn't that she hurt me (though I know she does feel that on a certain level), but rather that she did something she hated her father for doing to her mother their whole marriage. Even hating that and feeling empathy for her mother's plight, she still did it. I'm sure she aplologized to her mother, too (I forced this issue, telling her that she had the chance to tell them or I would). Nothing changed. She didn't wait long to "come out" on FB shortly after she moved out of my house with her r/s.

In a sense, she's sealed the dissociation. She publicly feels no shame, acts normal to me (I have to see her as a co-parent) as if nothing really happened. She has to. Otherwise, the full realization of what she did would be too much to bear emotionally.
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« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2014, 05:21:22 PM »

Turkish this sounds right on to me.  My exBPDgf would note her guilt after having said days earlier that she would "never regret" anything that happened with me.  In a way both were true.  She was confusing guilt with shame. 
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« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2014, 05:26:51 PM »

Turkish this sounds right on to me.  My exBPDgf would note her guilt after having said days earlier that she would "never regret" anything that happened with me.  In a way both were true.  She was confusing guilt with shame. 

We have an article on this here. I read through it again and some things in there seem applicable.

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria
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« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2014, 06:48:58 PM »

In a sense, she's sealed the dissociation. She publicly feels no shame, acts normal to me (I have to see her as a co-parent) as if nothing really happened. She has to. Otherwise, the full realization of what she did would be too much to bear emotionally.

My ex totally did this.  But he does with venom and hate against me.  He was caught cheating and lying but yet I wound up forgiving him to a certain extent even though I knew he was continuing to lie to me about her.  And clearly when he was finally ready to move on, the rages continued on and off like always but it was like he found whatever last excuse he could to put that last nail in the coffin.  He has last "scott free" because I am such a horrible person.  That last excuse?  Well, after he pushed me and glared at me at work, and then screamed at me that he was going to report ME to HR for accusing him of physical assault I was apparently STILL supposed to show him respect and I didn't because I sat next to his male boss at the company dinner. 

The many other horrible things he did he has long since forgotten (and by horrible, I mean HORRIBLE). 

In his mind, he is the good guy.  He is playing that good guy role again.  I hate it.  And I'm left reeling from the pain... .  
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« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2014, 07:48:59 PM »

Mine... . ugh... .   When we met she was with her BF. I was with someone else but broke up shortly after. She was living with her BF and smearing him with what now I believe are lies. He was trying to get her to go to AA meetings and other meetings for drugs. When she was mirroring him she would go. I got her a place and paid for it etc etc. Not only didnt she ever totally cut the cord with him, she brought other guys into the picture because I guess she knew she couldnt use me for a place to live. I have a young son, and I never brought her to my house because my sons mother visits and I didnt want to confuse him. I didnt have sex with my ex. 

So after I was split black 4 times for not jumping thru all of her hoops and not responding fast enough to her emergencies ... . even pregnancies ( which I now dont believe )   I busted her with a new target, she promised never again... and a couple of weeks later I found out again and confronted her with proof. I was then blacker then black and there has been only one contact in which she accused me of being a minipualtive liar, terrible father, and a liar and I disgusted her.

Today... . after all the NC, a bit over a month ... . I self charmed and looked at her FB page. I can see pics and some things but we are not FB friends.  Shes back with her original BF of 3 or so years. Now this guy KNOWS all the times shes cheated, he was told by this other guy that HE was with her... . and mentioned me ( my name is not known)  AND he STILL took her back. Kissing on FB for the world to see... . that she is now back yet again with chump #1.  I actually feel badly for him. I dont know how she convinces everyone that shes going to change.

And she now has a JOB in a cosmetic place right NEXT TO MY GYM. I saw that on her stupid FB page as well. Awesome. How am I supposed to hit the gym and not walk two stores down and stick my head in. ugh.  Im a self charming loser.  But strangely... .    Im more angry then anything.
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« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2014, 07:57:16 PM »

I meant to say another word in the above post but it comes out as charmed. Strange.
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« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2014, 08:28:32 PM »

@splitBlack

yeah mine got really angry when i confronted him. We had an argument and I told him we needed space to cool off and obviously he did not like that.  But during the space I found out he was gearing up a replacement (welll I heard of it) and so I phoned him and asked him (I was calm and did not yell as it had been a week of space after a hellish up and down 9 months) and he got all angry all of a sudden and yelled "you were never anything to me and we were never nothing." This after he had spoken to me the night before on the phone saying he loved me and asked me to lunch for the following day!  So I think they are more angry and act defensive as to admit they were cheating or lining up a replacement shows their weakness to be alone and how needy they are. Easier for them to project anger instead I suppose so they lash out.  But yeah since that line and then a hang up and nothing more. Silent treatment for 6 weeks. Me too... . I am split blacker than black and I did alot too for my ex. Not financially but I helped him move and was there for him in rough times emotionally. It is bizarre and so unpredictable to say the least.
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« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2014, 09:09:46 PM »

Both break ups with my wife coincided with some sort of shingling and disassociation, at least when she was with me. From knowing her history, I don't think she usually sticks around long enough with others for them to see it. I don't know why I'm different in this respect.

When we got back together and discussed the break up she seemed to have real remorse over it, but simply could not recall parts of it. She asked me if I had thrown her across the room. She couldn't remember how she got from point A to point B. I do remember. I had found out she was cheating and went into our apartment to see her getting dressed to go out, and I had yelled at her, "How could you do this to me?" Her eyes glazed over and she backed up and fell into the bed. I leaned over her and I saw that she looked afraid, and I said, ":)on't you know I could never hurt you?"

This translated into a temporary restraining order where, in part, she said that I held her down and yelled at her for five minutes, along with threatening her life, and breaking her phone (which I did do, to my shame.)

In any case, she admitted to me that there was a hole there that she filled in, and that it was based on feelings.

She got engaged to a guy a couple of months later, and she told me that once she was riding in a car with him, looked over and fully expected him to be me and was extremely confused as to why he wasn't me for some time.

From time to time, she would tell me that most other people just didn't seem real at all.
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« Reply #37 on: April 03, 2014, 11:06:24 PM »

One dissociative episode happened a few months ago when she was still living with me but we were not a couple except in the kids' eyes. I was at her parents' house to pick up the kids and was hanging out because her sister came into town. uBPDx was going to the gym and we'd meet at home later. She hadn't physically seen her sis in a year, so she abandoned her, too, in a way. I get this text which says "Hi, Love, I'm here, where are you?" It was obviously to her boy toy. I can't find words to tell you how that felt... .

I got home later, met her there, and went to pick up her little brother from the airport. We exchanged several texts in the meantime. Then a few at the airport to say I was taking him to their moms house instead of ours, a change of plans. We have the same phone. You can see the conversation string obviously. I was confused. Dud she do that on purpose to hurt me? Some members here thought so.

A few days later, her boy toy called her phone as we were sitting down to dinner with our kids. I saw the name and confronted her. A conversation ensued which I won't recount here again. I told her about the text. She was crying (I wasn't yelling, it was just that the situation forced her to co font the reality of what was going on). She looked at me and said, " I didn't realize I sent you that." It wasn't a deer in the headlights look. She was normal, at least as normal was for her. She really didn't realize what she had done. Weird!
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« Reply #38 on: April 04, 2014, 12:02:28 AM »

Short answer: no, it just seems that way by default.

Long answer is that this (personally experienced and all too frequently reported) aspect of BPD behavior has far more to do with compulsive self-soothing than it does with actually finding/lining up a suitable replacement.

BPD is characterized by a constant, pervasive, and intense fear of rejection/abandonment. This - far more than anything else - is what drives a pwBPD to bond with, and attach as quickly and deeply as possible to another person especially on a romantic level.

Being in a relationship, however, doesn't make that fear go away. It provides a very real, very specific, and very singular object for that fear to focus on, react to, and act out against... And that fear - in my experience - can be triggered by anything that so much as hints of rejection/abandonment - whether intended, inferred/implied, deduced, misinterpreted, merely perceived, intuited, anticipated, transferred, or even just projected.

Since rejection/abandonment hasn't actually occurred, mostly what pwBPD feel is stress/anxiety over the possibility of that happening. Like pretty much everyone, they tend to automatically and compulsively engage in a variety of learned behaviors that at least temporarily relieve the stress/anxiety they feel. They drink, take drugs, gamble, overspend, overeat, pick fights/rage, and misrepresent their circumstances to elicit the approval, admiration, support, and sympathy as well as hopefully the tangible sexual interest/attraction of others because being actively pursued is actually the only thing that doesn't make them feel like they're going to be rejected/abandoned.

Do I think they always respond to that kind of interest/attraction? Absolutely.

Do I think they always act on it? Not at all. I think most of the time, they're able to relieve the stress/anxiety they feel simply by flirting with someone else and/or fantasizing about them. But if that's not enough, then, yes, I do think they'll end up having a one night stand, if not a full blown affair, in order to get the relief they're looking for.

Do I think they have affairs in order to procure a replacement in anticipation of their current relationship ending? Maybe if the current relationship isn't well established. But if it is, then I think they're intention - however subconscious, amorphous, and disordered as it may be - is simply to relieve the immediate and overwhelming stress/anxiety they feel about the possibility of being rejected/abandoned so it doesn't interfere with anyone's interest in/ability to have that relationship in the first place.

I think it tends to seem like that's what they're doing because when/if they get caught, the relationship often does end, and when it does, the person with whom they were cheating generally does become the replacement by default because they're there, they're available, they're interested, and they're clearly willing/able to assume that role.

They aren't monsters. They don't sit around figuring out how best to deceive, manipulate, exploit, use, betray, and hurt other people. They're just people consumed by a constant, pervasive, and seemingly irrational fear of being rejected/abandoned that causes them to engage in a wide range behaviors to relieve the stress/anxiety they feel that ultimately really only works to legitimize, reinforce, and intensify the underlying fear itself.

We were able to be with them because - at least to some extent - all of us were willing/able to ignore, deny, dismiss, rationalize, justify, excuse, forgive, and take responsibility/apologize/make amends for all of those behaviors as well as the effects they had on everyone/everything involved, including most significantly ourselves.

That's our part in the dance.

I played that part for over 12 years, and that's the part my ex-upwBPD - through my dilligence in this regard - ultimately came to believe, trust, and expect I would always play.

So, when I stopped - when I found I simply couldn't do it anymore - well - let's just say the feelings of shock, horror, and pain he's repeatedly expressed over my betrayal of him are not nearly as unfounded or disordered as I'm sure they appear to everyone but me.

Those are my current thoughts/opinions on the issue of whether or not all pwBPD always have a replacement waiting in the wings. Like everything else when it comes to this disorder, nothing - and I mean nothing - is ever as straightforward and simple as most of us would probably very much like it to be.

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« Reply #39 on: April 04, 2014, 05:17:24 AM »

Since I think this is a very interesting thread I want to provide some more details on what I experienced.

My exBPD told me that she never really dated someone else before. She told me that her only "boyfriend" was a high-school romance where she would rarely see him and the biggest thing they would do is hold hands.

After we started dating I went on exchange to Asia for 3 month. She came to visit me and once I wanted to show a picture of us to some of my friends on her phone. When I scrolled all the way up in her album I found kissing pictures with some other guy. I got really angry because she obviously lied to me and we had a big fight. From this point on the relationship went down hill... . anyway after we broke up I found out that she was actually dating someone in the US before me (we study in Europe) and apparently that the guy from the pictures.

As I said before, we broke up several times during our 1 year relationship. She never wanted any pictures of us to be uploaded on Facebook and refused to upload pictures of us on her "Asian Facebook" as well. However, I don't think she was seeing anyone else during the period that we were together, since she really spent most of the time with me or studying. However, towards the end of the relationship we didn't see each other for a couple of weeks. I am pretty sure that she met someone during those weeks. We had one of our usual fights with her ending up breaking up with me as usual. But this time she was really different. She didn't pick up the phone when I tried to contact her and she became more bhity than usual. She also didn't show any attempts to get me back this time. I never thought about her seeing someone else already, since I just didn't think that she was this kind of girl (she always emphasized how she wasn't into dating at all before we met).

I tried to figure out what was going out and found out about BPD. On many sites it said that rebound relationships are extremely common... . so I was getting prepared that she might really see someone else. I tried to talk with her several times after her break up. She said things like "I rather find a new boyfriend" or "Maybe someday when I have a new boyfriend, we might see each other and can just greet each other as friends". I didn't give any meaning to this at first but then she said things like that over and over again. She also reactivated her account on Facebook and used very seductive profile pictures on her messengers. Finally, 2 month after we broke up I called her and asked her straight if she is seeing someone else.

Her response:

"Yes I do and it's not of your business! Leave me alone! THIS IS MY NEW LIFE"... .

this was the last time I contacted her. I was devastated but also shocked her predictable her behavior actually was.

That was also the point when I stopped to doubt whether she has BPD or nor. She told me that she met him just a couple of weeks ago, but I am sure she had him already lined up when we were still together.

It hurt, but it also helped me to get over her. She is a liar and for her boyfriends are like objects, which she throws away like a toy once she is done with it. I wonder if she denies that she was dating me and she did with her ex that she dated before me when she told me there wasn't anyone before me.

Anyway, it proved to me that she is not capable of true love. If you really love someone you can't just replace the person and have NO feelings and empathy left within a few weeks.

I always felt that something is wrong with her, but now I know for sure. She lives up to almost everything that I read about BPD. And I am happy that she disappeared from my life before we got married or got children together, because than I would have to deal with her for the rest of my life.

It will take time until I am completely over it, but I can at least hope for a healthy and normal relationship in my future with a normal girl, while she will probably repeat the same craziness with the new guy in the long run... . I don't think she will ever have a nice and long lasting relationship with anyone. She will probably have the same miserable marriage that her mum (which I am pretty sure has BPD as well) has with her dad... . and where she is from, getting a divorce is not as easy as here.
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« Reply #40 on: April 04, 2014, 06:20:12 AM »

Talithacumi... . thank you for that post... .   it helps keep it in perspective.  I think everyone is different, just like every person with BPD is different so there are different aspects to each r/s or scenario.  As in, my ex truly has displayed some pretty horrifying monster-like characteristics but I actually think that may be overlapping npd or more likely aspd that may be in play.  But your post helps me remember what is actually going on with those with BPD and the why.  Thanks!
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« Reply #41 on: April 04, 2014, 06:40:40 AM »

my exBPDgf didnt tell me she was seeing someone else when we started. After a few weeks she told me she was dumping him for me ( he had asked her to marry him a few weeks earlier) he got the heave ho, at the time I was thrilled to be 'the one' then a few months later i got the same treatment and lookeing back I am pretty sure someone was being groomed to replace me when i finally got the push. How sad, I feel pity for them and thier victims
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« Reply #42 on: April 04, 2014, 09:49:49 PM »

I don't know for sure in my situation, but my feeling is that my exBPDbf did have someone else lined up, most likely a younger woman, with whom I'm betting he cheated shortly before he left me. I have a bit of circumstantial evidence -- plus I know him.   

Here's what happened. I had a depressive episode and pulled back some from everyone. I do this for a few weeks almost every winter, and my friends and family all know. I warn them when it starts, . He was by far the least impacted, because I made an active effort to not shut him out. I was very open and upfront with what was going on, and I let him see me at my worst. My most emotional, crying, messed-up self. But I still did withdraw a little, just for psychic protection. I'm not the best partner during a depression, I realize this.

He immediately picked up on me withdrawing and went into cling overdrive. That was more than my already barely-held-together self could handle. I never really shut him out, he was always my priority even when I was at my worst, but I wasn't capable of giving him the attention he craved. He said that he was getting "very little" from me. Then he went on an overseas business trip for a month. I barely heard from him after the first week. The day he got back, he said he "wasn't leaving me" but he needed some space. I didn't hear from him for a week, and then it was, "I've been very unfair to you, I'll talk to you soon." Then on my birthday, without even acknowledging my birthday in any way, he texts me that he's trying to move overseas and can't guarantee he'll ever "be back for me."

My guess? My withdrawal triggered his fears, and he sought out alcohol and sex to self-soothe. Then he probably felt guilt and shame, bringing on more self-soothing. I do think he was trying, in his way, not to hurt me any more than he already had -- he told me, even at the end, that I was a genuine and good person -- and I'm grateful that he did. I'm sure he decided to run to the new woman because she's obviously available and wants him. I don't think he went into this trying to screw over my life.

Excerpt
talithacumi:

They aren't monsters. They don't sit around figuring out how best to deceive, manipulate, exploit, use, betray, and hurt other people. They're just people consumed by a constant, pervasive, and seemingly irrational fear of being rejected/abandoned that causes them to engage in a wide range behaviors to relieve the stress/anxiety they feel that ultimately really only works to legitimize, reinforce, and intensify the underlying fear itself.

This.
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« Reply #43 on: April 08, 2014, 03:40:57 AM »

They don't sit around figuring out how best to deceive, manipulate, exploit, use, betray, and hurt other people.

... . Like everything else when it comes to this disorder, nothing - and I mean nothing - is ever as straightforward and simple as most of us would probably very much like it to be.

i will agree that it's not simple. still there's plenty of pattern that each of us may recognize. i think you make a lot of valid points here. i came back to this post though, as this statement i realize is what is triggering me:

Excerpt
They don't sit around figuring out how best to deceive, manipulate, exploit, use, betray, and hurt other people.

for me this statement feels a little too generalized... . in my case it's simply not true (also for many others). the fact that you were with someone for 12 years and come out of the r/s knowing that this person never purposefully tried to deceive, manipulate, exploit, use, betray or hurt you (or other people) is great. this is truly awesome talithacumi.

i hope you can understand that these comments feel a bit invalidating to my experience. because i just knew, you know, i knew my ex was doing/planning lots of things to try to hurt me. i've shared stories before but for brevity i will just say that i have ample proof to convince me of this.

it's hard to explain to someone who's never been through this aspect of the emotional abuse. but the trickiest and most devastating part of being with someone who is purposefully cruel is that you never know really if you can trust yourself, or if you're just acting paranoid. i was fortunate enough to gain some awareness in time to sidestep a lot of BS--but i was only able to do this because i became aware of who i was dealing with. if i had been so cavalier to think that this person was above trying to hurt me on purpose i would have experienced much, much more pain. knowing how she operated is what kept me from staying in contact with this person, or buying into her cheap 'friendship' offers. she is able to continue fooling more people simply because none of them would suspect that someone would act like this.

in a way i feel my personal stake now in participating on the boards is to try and pass some of this knowledge on that i feel helped me. and also it's just an outlet for me. Being cool (click to insert in post) much of the knowledge i gained was how to trust my gut to clarify when i was being manipulated and deceived. and i want others in this tricky situation to know they aren't alone and there are ways to navigate it.  trust me, it feels good to be able to gain this kind of perspective, but i wouldn't wish the situation on anyone Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #44 on: April 08, 2014, 11:46:31 AM »

While everyone is different and there are probably many BPD folks who don't intentionally try to hurt those around them... . but in my experience, it's close to what Goldy wrote... .

My ex flat out told me about past things he'd done to people to get back at them for hurting him (keying a car, slashing tires -to a stranger... . !  sleeping with someone to get back at an ex GF because he wrongly thought she cheated on him.)  I know from the many many threats he has saidto me and some he's follow through on that yes he absolutely planned ways to hurt me.  To destroy me. His words.  His attempts.

Not physically but honestly, I realize that my ex is quite a dangerous man... .   I don't rule it out.  Even as we are split up and not talking, I still don't rule it out.  Not very comforting... .

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« Reply #45 on: April 08, 2014, 01:38:53 PM »

My X most definitely came after my Achilles heel! Also heard her speak of retaliation towards others.  The silent treatment was used most often as I had stated early on (prior to knowing about BPD) that it was more hurtful to me than anything physical.

Just think? I love this person 

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« Reply #46 on: April 08, 2014, 02:41:09 PM »

ex-wife (she was my girlfriend back then) had a guy lined up the first time I dumped her.  I still had feelings for her, but I was getting weird vibes and asked for some time a part.  Three days later she is making out with some dude at a bar.

I take her back and she commits to me and we are married.  Three years later she has her replacement, a co-worker, lined up before we are officially divorced.  What the heck.  

Yep, they can't spend a single second to reflect, grow, or try to change.  They are that miserable.  I feel cursed to have fallen in love with this person!

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« Reply #47 on: April 08, 2014, 03:00:10 PM »

My experience was similar to Goldy's. 

I could see that my ex had awareness about how he was hurting others.  He not only admitted to it, but he continued on that path rather than taking action to not hurt others.  It was deliberate, and he clearly got off on it when he felt he had won.  He seemed to take pleasure in targeting others for abuse, recruiting others to abuse for him by proxy.  He wanted to take people down, all the way down ruining lives, and destroying others. This was his form of entertainment.  It was appalling. 

There were hurtful things that he directed at me and I know now those actions were conscious and deliberate.  I went from walking on eggshells, to staying a step ahead of him anticipating his bad behavior so I could get out of his way. 

Frankly, he seemed to have a sadist streak. 
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« Reply #48 on: April 08, 2014, 03:20:53 PM »

My experience was similar to Goldy's. 

I could see that my ex had awareness about how he was hurting others.  He not only admitted to it, but he continued on that path rather than taking action to not hurt others.  It was deliberate, and he clearly got off on it when he felt he had won.  He seemed to take pleasure in targeting others for abuse, recruiting others to abuse for him by proxy.  He wanted to take people down, all the way down ruining lives, and destroying others. This was his form of entertainment.  It was appalling. 

There were hurtful things that he directed at me and I know now those actions were conscious and deliberate.  I went from walking on eggshells, to staying a step ahead of him anticipating his bad behavior so I could get out of his way. 

Frankly, he seemed to have a sadist streak. 

I'll split the difference on mine. She once told me, after I queried why she got so mean to everybody when triggered, "I want everyone else to feel my pain!" I could cite "poor executive control" which is typical for a BPD, and there is some truth to not controlling her emotions. But I also noticed over the years that the worst of it was reserved for her family, me and sometimes our little children--- the ones who couldn't leave her. So she could control it, she just "let go" so to speak, and refused to.
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« Reply #49 on: April 08, 2014, 05:05:15 PM »

post-breakup i had a convo with my ex and we were talking about horoscopes/signs. i'm not too into this... . but in any case her horoscope said her sign (scorpio) tended to be jealous and manipulative at times. we were laughing about it and she totally denied being jealous at all, despite me telling her she was the most jealous woman i had been with. but when i said manipulative, oddly enough she basically said "yeah, that's me. i can be pretty manipulative at times... . " wow. see, we did agree on some things,  .

i Don't think everything she did was to purposefully hurt others. even really painful things she said/did to me at times i feel i was simply collateral damage. nevertheless, there's other things she did that were used as a tool to punish.

i feel some want to minimize purposeful behaviors of pwBPD since they feel this is unnecessary demonizing. i think this is worthy of reflection as demonizing can wear us down. still, we need to be able to balance and see the situation for what it is/was.

i accept all the pain inflicted, whether purposeful or not, as things that happened that i need to process and work through. knowing that certain things were done with a sadistic twist to them does make it more challenging to release my attachment to these memories, yet i do feel confident that i can do it.

i can kind of laugh at some of this stuff now because i have proper space. my ex wasn't only a monster--but she damn well can be monstrous  . and no my ex was not all evil. i would have never been with or fell in love with someone who was all evil... . but there were times where she was pretty damn evil Smiling (click to insert in post) and so i'm working with my vocabulary and thoughts to make sure i can detach from the memories that seem so 'evil' to me. i accept this part as my responsibility as readily as i do any knowledge of her behaviors.
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« Reply #50 on: April 08, 2014, 05:32:02 PM »

i feel some want to minimize purposeful behaviors of pwBPD since they feel this is unnecessary demonizing. i think this is worthy of reflection as demonizing can wear us down. still, we need to be able to balance and see the situation for what it is/was.

i accept all the pain inflicted, whether purposeful or not, as things that happened that i need to process and work through. knowing that certain things were done with a sadistic twist to them does make it more challenging to release my attachment to these memories, yet i do feel confident that i can do it.

To be fair to my ex, he did leave before he completely lost control of himself, so I think I was spared a lot of cruelty that might have happened had the r/s lasted. I don't excuse or minimize his or any pwBPD's behaviors. We all choose our actions and words, and must bear that responsibility. I just think it comes from less a place of conscious manipulation and is more their version of a survival instinct: strike first, and usually very painfully, before anyone else can hurt them.

That being said, there were certainly things that he did and said in the r/s that I know were meant to be cruel and hurtful. But I will never believe that he went into this r/s with the plan to get me hooked, build up a fantasy, and then hurt and abandon me. For one, that would require more self-awareness and future planning that I think he or most pwBPD are capable of. He probably did think this was the r/s that would work, in the beginning. But once the idealization wore off... . well, then very few punches were pulled.
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« Reply #51 on: April 08, 2014, 06:13:58 PM »

My experience was similar to Goldy's. 

I could see that my ex had awareness about how he was hurting others.  He not only admitted to it, but he continued on that path rather than taking action to not hurt others.  It was deliberate, and he clearly got off on it when he felt he had won.  He seemed to take pleasure in targeting others for abuse, recruiting others to abuse for him by proxy.  He wanted to take people down, all the way down ruining lives, and destroying others. This was his form of entertainment.  It was appalling. 

There were hurtful things that he directed at me and I know now those actions were conscious and deliberate.  I went from walking on eggshells, to staying a step ahead of him anticipating his bad behavior so I could get out of his way. 

Frankly, he seemed to have a sadist streak. 

Your ex sounds like he may also have some antisocial personality traits... . As does mine... .   and probably some NPDthrown in for good measure. ... . haha
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« Reply #52 on: April 09, 2014, 02:37:44 PM »

i Don't think everything she did was to purposefully hurt others. even really painful things she said/did to me at times i feel i was simply collateral damage. nevertheless, there's other things she did that were used as a tool to punish.



i accept all the pain inflicted, whether purposeful or not, as things that happened that i need to process and work through. knowing that certain things were done with a sadistic twist to them does make it more challenging to release my attachment to these memories, yet i do feel confident that i can do it.

The things she did were done with no regard for me or anyone else except to satisfy whatever impulses and stories she was living in at that moment. Or what she convinced herself she wanted. She simply does not care.  For example... . shes back with her original ex of 3-4 years. This same guy that she cheated on with me, that she told me she cheated on many times before. She said she didnt feel guilt because he cheated on her once ( who knows)  But for that entire year, even after begging me to help her get a place so ( I would have a relaxing peaceful place to go to where we could be together when I was free) was just a manipulation to get her own place and invite anyone over she wanted to on my dime. One time she said to me that she and I had more sex then she and her ex ever had. He knows of her cheating, he has rejected her and wouldn't allow her to move back in... but there he is again. One time we were in the apt, and I discovered she walked on to her deck in the snow to text him or FB him while he was on vacation somewhere. I walked out. She called me begging, crying, hysterical... . screaming you win, you win, you win, please come back ... . I didnt text him, I was flirting it was all a lie you know how I need to flirt... .  Of course I came back and rocked her back and forth in my arms till she fell asleep... .    Then I discovered another... and found evidence of others... . lies, cheating, more lies... .   and then to top it off... .  Im banished and evil and horrible father and I disgust her ... .  never to see or hear from her again.  I guess thats a good thing. But it still does feel brutal.
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« Reply #53 on: April 09, 2014, 07:49:32 PM »

One of the most frustrating things for me is how much I forgave and then wound up banished as well... .   things like him having started dating and sleeping with someone else... . him threatening me at work constantly and scaring the crap out of me... .   him yelling at me on the phone how disrespectful I was to ask him to come sit with me at my dad's bedside the night he died - yelling as he was on his way to a date with someone he'd just met online... .   WOW what on earth is wrong with me... .   it's absurd how much of a doormat I allowed myself to become... . but that I took a hit and another and another and another and changed myself and my life for him... . and wound up the discarded fool... .    while he's of course with another girl... . or maybe he's not if he wasn't lying last week... .    it's ridiculous... .
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