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Author Topic: filler in our lives  (Read 385 times)
mitchell16
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« on: August 25, 2013, 09:20:22 AM »

since the break up Im avoiding getting involved in a relationship. In september it will be two months since we have been togther. Its been 3 days since i got any contact from ex. and it was just a personal text about an up comiong event she thought I might like to attend and of course she was wishing me well. What I find right now when I anylze everything is i wonder was she just some sort of filler in my life. She brought excitement, attention, a purpose. It that what im missing. Since her I have thrown myself in my work, a second job and trying to get back in the gym. The gym has been hit and miss becasue of health reasons, but its getting better. Im trying to quit smoking for the 100th time LOL. But I find myself lacking in purpose and still missing her so much. I feel like im just existing. I have no real joy. which I struggling to find. before her I was married, very happy with my life, good career, good hobbies, lots of freinds. When I went through my divorce I went into a funk, i felt like I had lost everything. Then enter BPD. It breathed life into. So I wonder if thats what im missing. I do feel like I love her very much, I miss our conversations, wathcing our favorite movies, going places, our sex life everything. Its like the music has stopped. But why Im wondering is becuase I went through this each break up, The 3 week one, 5 week one, 2 month one and so on. and on each recycle I was so excited about the recycle but at the same time I had that disgusted, sickening feeling in my stomach of here I go again. My heart wanted to believe it would be diffrent each time but my mind knew better. It was like I was in constant conflict with myself. My mind saying go left, go right, go left and then just standing still because I couldnt get direction. Im just pondering all this in my mind. I know its very common for us to long for their contact, I did on every break up. at first I was angry I didnt want to ever hear from her again. Then it would settle down and then the missing would start, Then the wondering who she was with or what she was doing. Then I would get that text or the phone call and my heart would skip a beat. I would feel almost a compulision to repsond. I would and the dance would start all over. When she texted the other day I didnt feel that way. Which brings me back to her last argument with me she said I didnt look at her the same anymore. Was she right? could she see or feel something I didnt. becasue Im my heart I felt like I did feel the same. I loved her the same but I had quite letting her push my buttons. when she tried to make me jealous I quite repsonding. When she picked a fight, I shut down or left the sitition. But i still longed for her and still wanted to be with her. I felt like I had just developed better coping skills to avoid the fallouts that she said we had and i agree. To give you an example of some of her tricks and how I started responding.

Her: I had a busy day at work it was just a crazy day.

me: really, what a happened.

her: I just had some much work to do and then everything went crazy. and then ( guy she had a fling) he had to have a meeting with me and he was discussing how close we used to be as freinds and he asked how we were doing.

Me: Oh really.

her: did that make you mad.

me: no.

in the past I might have said something like why cant he just let it go or why does all your meeting result in him discussing your past relationship. she would explode with your just to controlling and jealous. which would make me feel bad and so on. But i started seeing it for what it was just a trick to  make me feel bad, create insecurites and I stopped responding to that kind of nonsense

I guess during the weekend it is my down time to think I wonder now did I handle it right. Was she just some sort of filler in my life. becasue I stopped responding and  arguing with her did i not validate her and make her feel wanted. Why do I not get excited when shes texting me now.
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eyvindr
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« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2013, 10:41:17 AM »

Mitchell --

I read your post, and it all sounds so familiar.

... . Which brings me back to her last argument with me she said I didn't look at her the same anymore. Was she right? Could she see or feel something I didn't. Because in my heart I felt like I did feel the same. I loved her the same but I had quit letting her push my buttons. When she tried to make me jealous I quit responding. When she picked a fight, I shut down or left the situation. But I still longed for her and still wanted to be with her. I felt like I had just developed better coping skills to avoid the fall-outs that she said we had, and I agree. To give you an example of some of her tricks and how I started responding.

Her: I had a busy day at work it was just a crazy day.

me: really, what happened?

her: I just had so much work to do and then everything went crazy. and then (guy she had a fling with) had to have a meeting with me and he was discussing how close we used to be as friends and he asked how we were doing.

Me: Oh really.

her: did that make you mad?

me: no.

In the past I might have said something like why can't he just let it go, or why do all your meetings result in him discussing your past relationship? She would explode with "you're just too controlling and jealous!" which would make me feel bad and so on. But I started seeing it for what it was -- just a trick to  make me feel bad, create insecurities, and I stopped responding to that kind of nonsense.

One of the many things I struggle with now is realizing that, when I chose to resume my r-ship with my ex -- I don't really feel right calling it "recycling" -- maybe I'm hung up on the terminology, but I am such a huge believer in personal responsibility and freedom of choice that it's difficult for me to accept that I was "tricked" into anything. I had my wits about me when I got back together with my ex, fully knowing the risks. I did it anyways, because I was that in love with her. But, I digress.

One of the things I struggle with now is realizing that things were better, for me, once I learned more about BPD, thanks to this site and lots of research, reading and some work with a T -- and learned to apply the techniques discussed here (using S.E.T., and avoiding JADEing to the best of my ability), things did improve -- in the moment. My ex claimed to notice -- she used to make a big deal out of telling me how much I'd "changed," which I took as an indication that these tools were really surprisingly powerful and effective. But I wonder now how much of it was just part of the re-idealization process on her part.

The sad thing was that I began to realize that, in order to maintain any kind of "stability" in the r-ship, I had to pretty much ignore at least 25% of the things she said and did. Otherwise, I'd get sucked back into some kind of pointless conflict with no resolution. And that's simply not a real r-ship to me. It's certainly not how I want to be treated in a r-ship, if the shoe were on the other foot.

Good on you for consciously deciding to stay out of r-ships for awhile. I think many of us are at a loss to understand how much damage we've incurred as a result of these r-ships. Take care not to isolate yourself -- you never know who you might meet, but take it slow.

And good luck with the smoking. I smoked for almost 30 years -- finally quit about 4 yrs ago, and it was easily one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Took about 5 attempts before it stuck, but if I could do it, so can you.

Hang in there.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
mitchell16
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« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2013, 12:27:49 PM »

eyvindr, thanks for he words of encouragement on the smoking it has been a serious struggle. The term reycycling I inculde myself in that, because she iniated it but i jumped on board without hestitation. as far being tricked for along time I was, or at least I felt i was. Many, many things and many times. several times she would asked how i was feeling about a certain sitution and she asked to talk about it. no sooner then I would get two words out of my mouth and she would say, all you ever want to is fight and argue. I would be speechless. So at those time I felt like I was being set up for failure or tricked it thinking that my feelings matter and she was concerned. But in relity it was just another excuse she generated to push me away. On another occasion she was talking about a male employee she supervised causing problems. I asked her what he was doing. she said just being cute, and trying to not do his work. I didnt say anything. She then said But he is cute, im mean hes really cute. I didnt take the bait but in the past I would have. Im not stupid, I reliize that we all see people everyday that is attractive nor am i over the top jealous. But most people follow some sort relationship protocols that would not require making such grand statements like that. That stuff went all the time. if I didnt fall for it and ignored it I could stand by for more and more until i did bite.

i did attempt to use the tools at many times. One a few occasions it did work. She would also compliment me on how I handle certain things. But it was very short lived at time I think she knew what I was doing and she would resist. Our last fight She was making up accusations, of course she was drunk. I was calm, didnt defend or argue with her. She was accusing me of not being in love her anymore. I calmly said Im sorry you feel that way but I love as much as i ever did. When I said the she let out a string hateful angry words and stomped out of the room. and went to bed. I gave her time to cool down. I came on to bed, thinking she was asleep. She wasnt and started again. I let her say what she had to say. when she got quite. I reached over and hugged her and I said I love you very much. I might as well soaked her in gas and threw a match on her. becuase it was on again. With her jumping up and leaving go to another room to sleep. I just let go after that.

So like you I have tried some of the tools, maybe I wasnt the best at them I dont know. at times it did help but it was very short lived. I say she knew what I was doing because she works in the therapy field. So im sure she know about it using diffrent techniques.

Im doing my best to stay away. of course she is making it easy I only hear from her about every 7 to 8 days. and its just one text about nothing in particular. So that is making it very, very easy. because ive made the mistake of chasing her and I said I would never do that again. It only set me up to be hurt. as far as her tricking back in. I dont mean that like im insulting her, becasue after the first year or so. I was always pretty sure how it was going to end up again. But I to loved her and wanted to beleive her when she said she had changed, or had been getting therapy or she and seen the light.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2013, 02:57:23 PM »

Excerpt
To give you an example of some of her tricks and how I started responding.

Her: I had a busy day at work it was just a crazy day.

me: really, what a happened.

her: I just had some much work to do and then everything went crazy. and then ( guy she had a fling) he had to have a meeting with me and he was discussing how close we used to be as freinds and he asked how we were doing.

Me: Oh really. her: did that make you mad.

me: no.

Looks like she's used to you emotionally soothing her.  Trying to instigate jealousy is a way to get a partners attention - a destructive way but attention none the less.

If you want this ride to stop you have to do things differently.

I get wanting to reply. Maybe you reply can be more representitive of your need to move on?  Your feelings of discomfort and that testing isn't appropriate given what you need right now?

Do the same things over and over reinforce the dance.

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mitchell16
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2013, 07:41:54 AM »

GreenMango, that conversation was not since we broke up, its was months prior. I was pondering if how I had started responding to her attempts to get me to engage her in arguements by creating sititions that would normally lead to arguments, in the begining of the relationship and way prior to me knowing anything about BPD i would argue and defend myself against all of her nonsense and its just made it worse. So i had quite and once I starting stopping enegaging in it, it would get better for a short time but then she woudl accuse me of not loving her anymore and then the push away woudl start.

since the break up she has only tetxted me twice and both times it was things that did matter just things that she could ahve discussed with anyone. I feel like it was just a probe. But over weekend I was thinking about diffrent sititions and how they was handle on my part.
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KHC_33
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2013, 07:53:24 AM »

I understand how you feel. When you mentioned the longing, the text (heart would skip a beat). Trust me those are all very normal and valid feelings but at the same time someone with BPD can't handle giving us the emotional part of the relationship. When I read stop walking on egg shells (one paragraph stated would you expect a 5 year old child to fulfill your needs? (love, affection, etc) It is almost like you have to look at that way. You need to go back to doing what you love to do. It is okay to grieve, to be sad to long but you also need to heal, get better and learn what you can do to avoid walking into the same situation again. Which for me was a HUGE wake up call. Be kind to yourself. We all have walked through these painful ordeals with our BPD but how long will we allow them to continue pull us on that rollercoaster? That is the biggest question. Learning healthy boundaries, stop reacting, splitting, black and white, tag your it... . all of it ... it has to stop somewhere. Learn to love yourself again. It gets better. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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mitchell16
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2013, 08:27:39 AM »

KHC_33 thank you. Ive pretty much excepted that its over. I still have moments of ups/downs. Im still having trouble moving on and finding myself. for over two years this relationship has been my whole focus and then it just stops. Your kind of left just spinning. I still have momenst where I look back and wonder did I do it right. In my heart I know I did, but because of all her accustions I thinks it caused me to doubt myself and I feel like a failure at times. Because what is wrong with me, why wasnt I good enough to make this work, why was I not the one. Im at that stage at  diffrent times. my inner self dont want this anymore. but im still at loss for what it could have been at diffrent times.
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charred
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2013, 08:46:57 AM »

Been in T and felt same way thread started... . seems like losing joy/purpose/aliveness feeling is common. From what I am finding, one of the ways we deal with tough problems as kids is to disconnect/disassociate... unhook from our feelings. Great survival tool, not a good way to deal with emotions in general. Over time you can get in the habit of doing it... find yourself living for diversions... some pointless goal, hobbie, conquest... . but since they were not what you really want and care about... . getting them does nothing for the hollow feeling inside. If you have been hurt a lot by people you trusted, you can keep them at a bit of a distance... not connecting but being cordial.

I have been very "professional" for years... detached r/s with most people, driven to really understand all kinds of things... but felt isolated and alone. My pwBPD ignored all boundaries, jumped in to sex/close feelings, pushed and pulled me and twisted things so much I felt intense feelings for first time in years... . and while it was truly horrible... . I felt alive. Been working on addressing the problem of not connecting with people and it goes way back, may be a while with a T till I get anywhere resembling normal.

I think most of what we do has seemed like "filler"... the pwBPD broke through and gave glimpses of what actually living life could be... . it unfortunately was a side effect of their disorder... not our salvation.
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