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Author Topic: I Miss Us  (Read 388 times)
clover528
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« on: August 17, 2013, 09:57:04 AM »

I try really hard not to ruminate about the wonderful times because it makes me weak and vulnerable again. At least that is how I feel when I go there. Unfortunately, today is one of those days.

I miss how we were together. How it felt when he held me. How when we kissed there was no where else on earth I wanted to be. I went weak and my stomach flipped everytime even years after our first kiss. That feeling never went away. I miss us doing simple tasks together, cooking, cleaning, shopping. Youve heard the saying that the right hand doesnt know what the left hand was doing but with us it was like he was my right hand and i was his. We knew what spice we were reaching for before it was even to be added to the pot. We laughed so much.

i realize and know that he is dangerous and toxic and we would have hurt more than even I  am hurting now, I miss us. I dont have the luxury of walking away. I see his face and hands in the face of D and her little hands are his. I hurt. he will never be in our lives again. its a blessing I know. But I am hurting today. What I believed and felt was everything to me. I left because of the bad.

but the good... . well, I miss it.

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papawapa
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« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2013, 10:14:09 AM »

I know exactly how you are feeling clover. I too struggle with focusing on the bad. All i can think about was the good things we had. It is so hard. Our daughter looks so much like her mother and many times when I look at my baby girl I see her mother. I wish there were a way to block out the good memories.
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clover528
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« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2013, 11:00:40 AM »

Im sorry for your pain too Papa. Seeing there faces features even behaviors in our children makes it more difficult I think. She walks like him. Her little ears, her big feet. Well little but just like his. We joked often that he had hobbit feet. Hers are like his. He has this vein that runs along his temple down his cheek. Its bright blue. She has it also. So many reminders.

He wasnt all bad. He just became that. I had no idea he was ill. My leaving was the ultimate fear for him realized. I know now that no matter what I did from then forward it would have never stopped the spiral. I triggered his biggest fear. I left him. I feel bad for it. I know it would have ended this way or worse. Even still, i didnt help.

I will protect myself and her from him. Although I doubt there will be any problems from here on out. who knows? He is furious over the PO. Even said its just a piece of paper. and he"wipes his ___ with paper". All these emotions are tearing at me.

The guilt of leaving him. The obligation I feel for taking her from him. The fear of his rage. But also, the fear of not feeling that much love or happiness with someone who is healthy. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. the big three in all their glory. Clouding my judgement and keeping me from moving forward. Detaching.

thanks for the reply papa. We will get through this. We have to after all. We have those beautiful babies that very much deserve a happy and whole parent. God bless papa.


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heartandwhole
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« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2013, 11:15:25 AM »

Hi clover528,

I'm sorry you are hurting.  I have been there, too.  I think it's a testament to how whole and healthy you are that you miss him - it's a normal response to losing a loved one, isn't it?  It's part of the process, and it's difficult.  For me, it was one of the hardest things I had to do, and mine was a relatively short r/s and long distance.

It sounds like you are taking it step by step, feeling what you need to feel.  That is really healthy and I commend you for it.

We are here for you at times like these, keep reaching out.   

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
hardhabit2break

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« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2013, 11:42:22 AM »

I miss my uBPD H too. I miss the comfortable way I lived my life, knowing that he loved me too. Knowing that his family meant the world to him, as it does to me.   How much of it was lies.  Pretending for him would have been so difficult because of his selfishness. He could only have pretended so much before it became too much for him. He never would have faked it for us, his family.

I don't know if anyone else is having a hard time doing the things that you did with your pwBPD?  I am!  Everything from stores we went to together, things we did in the house together, people we spent time with, the things i relied on him for (big and small) and so much more. He was a huge part (the biggest part) of my world for 31 years!  Together since we were 18.  Of course it wasn't always an easy relationship and I know I gave (and he took, damn him) so much more than should be required. But I loved him unconditionally. And because of that my heart has been broken so severely. I never knew I could hurt so much. The thing is that I am not looking to change my life or the way I lived it, so getting back to some type of normal is so hard.  I try every day to move on, even with the pain weighing me down like a weight I carry on my shoulders.

Yes, I miss him. But he is gone, dead really. And this person claiming to be him is not a person I want in my life. How hard it is for me to see what he is doing, right out in the open.  The betrayal that is continuing, he spends nights at his new SO, dating, going places, nights in the city.   Then comes home n walks in like he belongs. Our 17yo daughter even has heard some of it; him bragging about it right in front of her.  She saw his new GF has now taken the spot on his phone screensaver!  My baby is hurt, I know it. She deserves a Dad who makes her feel like she is the most important thing in his life, like he loves her more than life itself. To tell her how talented, beautiful, amazing, funny, smart she is. But she will not get that, really never has.  I make up for it as much as I can. But I hurt for her. I know how it is to have it... . I was lucky enough to have it in my Dad.  Sorry for getting off topic and rambling.

I feel for everyone struggling and wish you all happiness at the end of this horrible road!
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2013, 04:09:50 PM »

I miss "us" too.  I was thinking today that things really started to

Deteriorate the last three months before the break up. Before that it was 90% good. I so wish I could be back there. This just hurts so much I

Can't take it.
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casper324
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« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2013, 09:44:29 PM »

I grieved today for the old "us", it is one of the most difficult things ive done in my life. Tears flowed like a purging. I feel your pain. Hugs
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clover528
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« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2013, 09:56:33 PM »

heartandwhole, thank you for the encouragement. i am really trying. It is a comfort to know There are people who understand and care here.

Hardhabit and emilie, I am sorry for all our pain. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have gone through. Days like today make it difficult to function. Everywhere I go I think of things we shared. There is no avoiding the flood of emotion. Mornings are the worst. I havent figured out why just yet but i have a very hard time every morning I wake.

I am going through so much emotion these days. With the kids and school and ailing parents, it is a lot. I think that makes me miss him and us more. We were such great friends before we became a couple. He could contain his emotions over the years. I was at a distance. When I moved in everything changed. It was intense sometimes but it didnt get crazy until after I found I was expecting. I think the stress of everything just sent him over the edge more quickly. What i wouldnt give to have that wonderful man I ran to back in full force. My best friend, safe haven, my love.  Thats the hardest part. He wasnt authentic.

We will get better. We will heal . We will be whole. We will get through this with the help and support of us. All of us. Thanks again for the replies and support. God bless
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clover528
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« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2013, 09:58:53 PM »

Casper... .   hugs to you too. I have wept. It is unreal how much this hurts. Im here if you want to chat. We can purge together. Hang in there. I will too.
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hardhabit2break

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« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2013, 10:42:47 PM »

Clover, I find mornings so hard too. Waking up every morning and having to face this reality is so hard. It hurts every time. It is like every morning it just happened. One day this will all be part of our lives and it won't be the first thing that pops in our minds. There will be a time where normal everyday things will again take the place of all the pain. I long for the time when I have normal every day problems. Before I found out about the betrayal the biggest worry I had was "is my daughter going to pass 11th grade math". Wow, life can change so quickly. And in time I will be there again, normal every day worries.

Tonight I went to dinner with my two children for the first time since this all happened. Baby step!

I know how many of us are hurting in our own way, but in the same way too.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  It is cruel and so unbelievable that a person with even half a heart could hurt another, let alone someone who supposedly loved you, adored you at times. Be well everyone. And thank you all; this site has helped me so much!

P.S. My daughter passed Math! Yay
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2013, 10:48:34 PM »

I miss how we were together. How it felt when he held me. How when we kissed there was no where else on earth I wanted to be. 

{{hugs to you clover and everyone else in this pain}}   guess i gotta hug myself now, too   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

ha ha... . i laugh, but sometimes it's just to cover up the pain.  nobody else, besides you people here, seems to understand, truly understand and care, about how hard it is to leave & detach from a BPD love.

i'm in my 50's and i never experienced the emotions and the intensity before with anyone, ever, as i did with my xBPDgf.  believe me, i had my fair share of dating/infatuations/loves/sexual partners/experiences/etc etc.  had it all!  never had anything like HER, tho.  never knew such feelings even existed... .   (not the highs  or the lows.)

i don't think people understand me when i say she was the love of my life.  when they say "oh you'll get over her, you'll love again"  i think "bllsht  i will."  i won't.  i've been around the block enough times to know that what she and i had was a very rare, mysterious, 'other worldly'  occurance.

when will this nightmare end?

icu2

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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2013, 11:02:10 PM »

Clover, I find mornings so hard too. Waking up every morning and having to face this reality is so hard. It hurts every time. It is like every morning it just happened.

yes, it's like Groundhog Day!

6 months i've been NC and she's still in my heart and head.  i can think of her when i wake up and when i go to bed, anytime in between.  was shopping yesterday and thought of her when i saw certain things.  still have the urge to buy gifts for her.  still look over and see her sitting in the passenger seat, smiling at me.  still smell her, not just her perfume but 'her', on one of my blankets ~ and i've washed it(!) ~ so i took it to goodwill last week.

i dreamt about her last night again.  don't remember details.  just know i woke up crying again. 

hard to believe it's been 6 months NC... .   feels like just yesterday i held her in my arms.  i always just wanted to be close to her.  the closer the better.  honestly, it wasn't about the sex.  there was something magnetic about her ~ soothing and yet exciting at the same time.  she felt like 'coming home' to me.  what is so wrong with that?  why does that have to be a fricking Mental Illness?  why did it have to be that way?  <sigh>  sorry... .

icu2
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ZigofZag
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« Reply #12 on: August 18, 2013, 05:37:16 AM »

I agree with all of the above.

The pain starts easing without you knowing it though. Give it time and you will look back and see that you have travelled much further to independence, self-discovery and recovery.

I feel as though I am going through a mourning process, grieving the death of my love and our relationship. Our 9 month old daughter brings back warmth and means that we need to keep in contact.

We were attracted to and attractive to our partners for a lot of reasons, one of which for me was that my wife knew that I needed to be needed. This is something I have worked on.

Love to you all, we will get there, we know in our hearts that we can’t go back as the pain will just start again.
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obtunded

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« Reply #13 on: August 18, 2013, 01:17:19 PM »

Mine feels like I've been living in another world with her, and suddenly I'm back in this one wondering how to get back to "there" - that place I shared with her and our kids, the plans we had made for our lives, the things we did as a family... . all gone... . in an instant... . or like a death, but yet the other is still alive and never able to return.

I would have rather dealt with death, because of the finality. There is no going back with death; you know when the ride is over. It seems more as a part of life. I could be angry at death, but not be angry at the person who died... . With this, I don't know who to be mad at; she didn't make herself this way. Yes, her whole family is screwed up, but why? Nobody's really at fault; they don't have real "evilness" inside them. This borderline c**p is so convuluted, it doesn't quite feel real.

Unfortunately, I know our strange relationship will continue in a different way for a long time because of our children and the contact that will have to be with her as they grow up. I dread what is coming in the next few years and wish I could put myself far out of her reach... . mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel as if there will always be reminders, feelings, regret, sadness, and all kinds of other grief to deal with.

Of course, I remember the bad, and there was plenty, but I always felt I was able to forgive for things said and done. I don't think she has the ability to do so. Most wounds will heal, scar over, and fade away; hers are always open, never able to close, and so full of pain. I know time will lessen some of this, but it also seems as if the roller coaster never really stops.
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sadinnc98
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« Reply #14 on: August 18, 2013, 01:46:39 PM »

I am feeling this same way today-I am tearing up just typing this post now. I miss sitting across from him, holding hands, great conversation, waking up to him holding me calling me his Angel, etc... all of it. Its like a huge loss  I keep remembering all of the bad stuff trying to make my head understand that I am better off but it is not working. Hang in there... .
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ZigofZag
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« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2013, 04:15:47 PM »

I can't say anything to help, just remember that you are not alone. We know how you are feeling and it's terrible. Big hugs
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LetItBe
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« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2013, 04:21:00 PM »

I don't have much to offer except complete solidarity.   I am feeling the same way.  Today would have been our anniversary.  I am grateful for the good times and sad for the loss.
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