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Author Topic: Trust Your Intuition... Listen to Your Gut  (Read 620 times)
Aletheia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 68


« on: October 05, 2013, 07:02:36 AM »

Hi Everyone

As I learn more and more about BPD, its allied traits, emotional-arrest and my own vulnerability, I am astounded by the accuracy of my own intuition. If only I'd been able to trust it!

Right from the start I knew 'something' wasn't quite right with my ex-girlfriend and her interactions with me. I saw the child in her but I was seduced by her waif-like demeanour.

The feeling of 'something's not quite right' continued thoughout the main 8 months of our 14 month involvement.

Now, in the pain of the aftermath of the relationship and the self-analysis I can see how I was so right on EVERYTHING I perceived.

Listen to your gut!

We, in L3, can only do this next time, obviously, but it's never too late to protect and value ourselves in our future relationships.

For me, this insight has been triggered by my reading and posts on bpdfamily and only yesterday by this web-page:

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/anon.htm

Somehow, hearing it all put like this helped me have my 'Aha' moment.

***IMPORTANTLY, I have also started to see how I have some uncomfortable, core similarities to those I find it so easy to point at my ex-.

Im up and down like a yoyo but I do believe I'm making some progress!

Thank you to everyone here.
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AliveButBeatup
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Getting a divorce --- after 9 months. :(
Posts: 124



« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2013, 09:26:56 AM »

Thanks for the post and reference to the article.  I chose to ignore my gut level feeling when it came to my relationship with my BPD wife --- errr --- ex-wife to be.  Your judgment can get very clouded when you are having great sex and you are feeling like a million bucks.  Live and learn.

ABB
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Aletheia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 68


« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2013, 10:05:39 AM »



I have always been an extremely sexual guy. It's almost certainly drifted into a distraction activity for me at times too.

When I think of sex with my ex-, which was fantastic in that we both ventured down a pretty boundary-less path, it turns my stomach.

It was ultimately mutually controlling, empty and abusive.

I'm lucky that the thought of her with someone else does not make me jealous. This is fortunate as I've been there before.

She could not be close. It was all about satisfying a need to control.

She is not capable of gentle, loving, MEANINGFUL, eye-contact and expressing genuine words of love.

Besides, her actions at breakup and post breakup show me just what an empty vessel she really is.

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Escaped 30.Sept.2013
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 146


« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2013, 10:19:41 AM »

When I think of sex with my ex-, which was fantastic in that we both ventured down a pretty boundary-less path, it turns my stomach.

It was ultimately mutually controlling, empty and abusive.

I'm lucky that the thought of her with someone else does not make me jealous. T

One of the worst things for me is that the three nights in 15 months that my BPD ex-bf and I spent together were the only times in my life when I've been able to have sex without either needing to be drunk first, or being so scared it hurts and I bleed. Because I trusted him so whole-heartedly, because he told me again and again that I was safe with him, would always be safe, that he would never hurt me, that we were meant to be one.

It was the only real sex in my whole life, the only time I can think of as "making love".

Actually, he was a selfish lover, really not that great in bed as it was entirely about him, although he was loud in his praise of me, in terms of how I made him feel, what I did, etc. But for me, it was mind-blowing to be able to do this sober and not only not bleed, but actually enjoy it.

The only tiny positive thing I can find in all this pain and bewilderment is that at least I know it is possible.

I'm unlikely ever to bother trying another relationship, and I don't feel lonely, it's always just mostly been me on my own interspersed with disastrous short relationships with using abusive losers... .my therapist has to admit that my 15 months with my BPD ex-bf probably actually does rank as "the best relationship of my life" compared to the others... .it was the longest, too. The only time I thought maybe we'd be together into old age.

Anyway.

At least, even if I never go near another man again, I know it's possible. It isn't something wrong with me that makes it hurt. It was just that I was with bad men.

And, even though I see how damaging my BPD ex-bf's behaviour to me has been, even though he's now split me black, even though I know what he is - I will always be grateful to him for proving to me that there is nothing wrong with me in that way.
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Ironmanrises
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2013, 10:43:28 AM »

I failed myself in both regards... .

I knew there was something off about my exUBPDgf... .

Even going all the way back to when we were just friends... .

She exhibited the push/pull behavior in during that time too... .

She would show this behavior on Facebook... .

By liking all my stuff... .

Commenting on all my stuff during pull... .

And then literally... .

In push... .

She would actually... .

Unlike all my stuff on Facebook... .

Delete her comments on my stuff... .

And i remember at the time asking her... .

Why did you do that... .?

She replied... .

"That was my withdrawal phase... ."

   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) i ignored... .

I just had no idea at that time... .

I had no idea it could be a PD... .

Let alone BPD.

I thought she at first had depression... .

And i thought... .

Her bizarre behavior... .

Was her personality quirks.

I was so wrong.

I was so f¥cking wrong.

Even after i first learned that it was BPD... .

In the discard of round 1... .

And then she came back to me... .

3 months later... .

Further proof of her BPD... .

I still took her back in.

I watched all her behavior transform from idealization... .

To devaluation... .

To discard.

I felt like a deer caught in headlights... .

I couldnt make myself leave... .

No matter how much my gut... .

My intuition... .

Was telling me... .

Ironmanfalls... .

You need to leave... .

She is killing us.

My gut and intuition... .

Are on hypersensitive now... .

I cannot allow another mishap like that... .

Too much damage... .

Has occurred to me in the process.

Hang in there.

As you can see... .

You are not alone. 
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Aletheia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 68


« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2013, 10:55:26 AM »

Ultimately, you helped yourself ... .It was still YOU that was able to discern that sex with this man was physically and emotionally possible.

Recovery/understanding ourselves is a 'process'; circles within circles, every ladder leads to a plateau that's the bottom of another ladder... .and so it goes on... .Forever... .

When you are ready there will be another man out there with whom you will make love... .

I feel totally disinterested in sex right now. There was a time when, if that had happened, I'd question my sexuality, have a panic attack and seek help. That's how tied in to my sexuality I was.

That's also why my ex- and I were able to have such abusive/pornographic sex. She was definitely, unconsciously over-identified with her sexuality. It helped her feel whole, being able to attract me and keep me.

For me however, I was vulnerable enough to be led down that path but aware enough to see what was happening.

In much the same way, that's how the relationship ended. We had a row, wherein she lost the plot and somewhere inside I knew I had to get out. I stated I needed some thinking space and as I did not respond to her enticements to return; all the I love you, your my missing link, we are so good together, if it wasn't for the occasional egg-shell moment we are great together... .(BS!) she panicked and abandoned me before I (in her mind) abandoned her.

Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Piece by piece the story comes together.
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Aletheia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 68


« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2013, 11:06:00 AM »

I failed myself in both regards... .

I knew there was something off about my exUBPDgf... .

Even going all the way back to when we were just friends... .

She exhibited the push/pull behavior in during that time too... .

She would show this behavior on Facebook... .

By liking all my stuff... .

Commenting on all my stuff during pull... .

And then literally... .

In push... .

She would actually... .

Unlike all my stuff on Facebook... .

Delete her comments on my stuff... .

And i remember at the time asking her... .

Why did you do that... .?

She replied... .

"That was my withdrawal phase... ."

   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) i ignored... .

I just had no idea at that time... .

I had no idea it could be a PD... .

Let alone BPD.

I thought she at first had depression... .

And i thought... .

Her bizarre behavior... .

Was her personality quirks.

I was so wrong.

I was so f¥cking wrong.

Even after i first learned that it was BPD... .

In the discard of round 1... .

And then she came back to me... .

3 months later... .

Further proof of her BPD... .

I still took her back in.

I watched all her behavior transform from idealization... .

To devaluation... .

To discard.

I felt like a deer caught in headlights... .

I couldnt make myself leave... .

No matter how much my gut... .

My intuition... .

Was telling me... .

Ironmanfalls... .

You need to leave... .

She is killing us.

My gut and intuition... .

Are on hypersensitive now... .

I cannot allow another mishap like that... .

Too much damage... .

Has occurred to me in the process.

Hang in there.

As you can see... .

You are not alone. 

Ironmanfalls

I'm with you! I didn't respond to my intuition early enough as I'm hurting for it now.

Your first red flag has really made me sit up.

One glaring thing I missed... .

When my ex-gf was appealing to me to talk after I'd walked out when she lost the plot and argued and shouted and twisted facts etc... .One of the things she said to me after "I love you, You're my missing link, we are so good together etc was I USUALLY SHUT DOWN AT THIS POINT, but I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve... .

I now see that as a warning. Ok she was perhaps saying she is really trying but it was her pattern, obviously, to shut down and shut down is exactly what she did!

I'd not considered those words in that way before now.


PS: I like your signature!







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numb_buddha

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 42


« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2013, 11:12:11 AM »

The title of your post sums up the main lesson I took away from my relationship with my exBPDgf. I have strong intuition and this was one of the first times in my life I was willfully ignoring it. Lesson learned. If it feels off, it really is off. I thank her, in a way. She's going to allow me to find something healthier, and I'll be far more selective in the process.
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DragoN
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Posts: 996


« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2013, 11:14:13 AM »

Excerpt
I have strong intuition and this was one of the first times in my life I was willfully ignoring it. Lesson learned. If it feels off, it really is off. I thank her, in a way.

Guilty of the same...

Interesting article. but unfortunately it seems to gloss over a few aspects of the behaviors that in adults are extreme and in some cases life threatening. There is more accurate and succinct information than that. BPD adults are not children nor are they unaware of their actions nor the impact. They are aware, but they lack conscience. It's also a spectrum disorder. Often comorbid with substance abuse. That many have been abused or neglected or harmed as children is a tragedy, but then it is also up to them to seek help as well. Many do. Most don't.

More enlightening I have found than the reams of academia and the studies on BPD is the pwBPD themselves.

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2010/12/demon-on-pedestal-criteria-2.html
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Ironmanrises
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2013, 11:21:32 AM »

I failed myself in both regards... .

I knew there was something off about my exUBPDgf... .

Even going all the way back to when we were just friends... .

She exhibited the push/pull behavior in during that time too... .

She would show this behavior on Facebook... .

By liking all my stuff... .

Commenting on all my stuff during pull... .

And then literally... .

In push... .

She would actually... .

Unlike all my stuff on Facebook... .

Delete her comments on my stuff... .

And i remember at the time asking her... .

Why did you do that... .?

She replied... .

"That was my withdrawal phase... ."

   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) i ignored... .

I just had no idea at that time... .

I had no idea it could be a PD... .

Let alone BPD.

I thought she at first had depression... .

And i thought... .

Her bizarre behavior... .

Was her personality quirks.

I was so wrong.

I was so f¥cking wrong.

Even after i first learned that it was BPD... .

In the discard of round 1... .

And then she came back to me... .

3 months later... .

Further proof of her BPD... .

I still took her back in.

I watched all her behavior transform from idealization... .

To devaluation... .

To discard.

I felt like a deer caught in headlights... .

I couldnt make myself leave... .

No matter how much my gut... .

My intuition... .

Was telling me... .

Ironmanfalls... .

You need to leave... .

She is killing us.

My gut and intuition... .

Are on hypersensitive now... .

I cannot allow another mishap like that... .

Too much damage... .

Has occurred to me in the process.

Hang in there.

As you can see... .

You are not alone. 

Ironmanfalls

I'm with you! I didn't respond to my intuition early enough as I'm hurting for it now.

Your first red flag has really made me sit up.

One glaring thing I missed... .

When my ex-gf was appealing to me to talk after I'd walked out when she lost the plot and argued and shouted and twisted facts etc... .One of the things she said to me after "I love you, You're my missing link, we are so good together etc was I USUALLY SHUT DOWN AT THIS POINT, but I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve... .

I now see that as a warning. Ok she was perhaps saying she is really trying but it was her pattern, obviously, to shut down and shut down is exactly what she did!!

I'd not considered those words in that way before now.


PS: I like your signature!





Thank you!

In bold.

Indeed... .

That was your ex's withdrawal... .

Her push... .

By shutting down.

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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2013, 09:52:14 PM »

This is one of the biggest lessons I have learned: TRUST YOUR INTUITION. It is the result of millions of years of evolution! If it feels wrong, RUN!  If the posts in this forum resonate with you, RUN! You do not need unequivocal proof she is BPD, you will know it once you read these pages at any level.  Life is too short to waste it on these individuals.  The sooner you leave the sooner you will heal and you WILL attract a great partner this time around.  If you do not heal then you will continue to attract the BPD types.

The one thing I have learned from this experience, which I would like all the readers to know and believe is this: if you keep no contact, go to a good therapist, and properly heal, you will actually be in a better position than you were before you met the BPD. Yes, meeting the BPD actually was a good thing even though you had to go to hell and back to become an even greater person.
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DragoN
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Posts: 996


« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2013, 10:24:50 PM »

Excerpt
Yes, meeting the BPD actually was a good thing even though you had to go to hell and back to become an even greater person.

Sadly, will agree. Would rather have not to learn it in quite such a vicious manner.
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numbr3
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 107


« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2013, 10:22:25 AM »

Mine was clearly literal.  A relationship with him gave me IBS about right from the start and I continued on!
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myself
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2013, 11:04:30 AM »

Intuition is one thing, and I'm with you on following your gut as much as possible, it often does point us in the right directions. This same intuition told us that these people were being 'real' with us, that we could count on them, that we had landed where we were meant to be. Adding up the facts we found this wasn't actually the case (although as far as learning lessons goes, it was). So intuition + facts = Truth? = Change?
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nolisan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332



« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2013, 11:27:25 AM »

For me I missed a clear gut message. It was our first dinner at her place. She was cooking in the kitchen and I was sitting down. She was talking about something obscure and I challenged her. WELL ... .

She went off on me. I felt this huge clenching in my gut. My inner child was screaming "Get out ... .run as fast as you can ... this woman is evil".

But I stayed for a year ... .until I started listening to my body and my inner child.
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