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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Well, day 7 of NC  (Read 1006 times)
Eric1
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« on: September 13, 2013, 03:04:03 AM »

Well, day 7 of NC today. This is the longest i've gone without either reaching out to her, or her contacting me. I struggled a few days ago & thought i would break it, however i stayed strong. I still miss her & at times, i hope she'll contact me so i know that i'm not completely forgotten. But, day 8 tomorrow. Lets get into double figures!

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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 03:15:04 AM »

Well done. Wishing you plenty of strength. Please don't let her not contacting you ruin it for you. What are you doing to keep your vigilance up and not crumble?
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 03:23:11 AM »

I knew she was seeing someone, whether she still is, i don't know. But, I keep telling myself that i can't boost her ego by contacting her because she completely sh@ at me and i'm better than that. Also, i know that i need NC to truly move on.

It's really, really hard, i won't lie. I have my weak moments, and then times I tell myself, ah, just drop her a message, see how she is. I know it won't help, so i don't.

I still miss her, but i have to do this for me now.
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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2013, 06:16:38 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Hi Eric!

It's alright to struggle. It's very typical. I'm glad to see you making progress and doing what is best for your healthy well being!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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Eric1
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2013, 06:37:45 AM »

It's worrying as each day I move on further, which she will be too. And, part of me doesn't want it to happen.

I'm going to be forgotten & I don't want it happening.

Wierd, i know.
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2013, 07:37:56 AM »

I think its normal to have these feelings! Hang in there! It does get easier! You have wonderful support on this board. Ihave NC for 6 weeks it has been hard but i know its for the best!
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2013, 11:11:41 AM »

And now i'm having a weak moment. I assume she's still seeing this new bloke and is probably got a fun weekend planned with him. I want to talk to her, i shouldn't, but i do.
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2013, 11:18:46 AM »

Well, day 7 of NC today. This is the longest i've gone without either reaching out to her, or her contacting me. I struggled a few days ago & thought i would break it, however i stayed strong. I still miss her & at times, i hope she'll contact me so i know that i'm not completely forgotten. But, day 8 tomorrow. Lets get into double figures!

Good Job Eric - Let yourself feel proud of the self discipline you have shown.

The feelings - missing her, etc... .that's all normal and ok, but right now - focus on the FACTS.  The FACTS are, letting yourself detach through NC, you will start to feel better and better in the big picture.

Cheers  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2013, 11:20:06 AM »

And now i'm having a weak moment. I assume she's still seeing this new bloke and is probably got a fun weekend planned with him. I want to talk to her, i shouldn't, but i do.

I'm day 9 of MC (minimal contact due to kids) and I know the feeling. My wife was having an affair in our marriage for the last year , together for 8 and married for 5, and POOF! left and is still with the affair partner.

Hurts like hell, but MC has really cleared my mind. It's the only way to go.

I have had a couple of days in the last 9 that were rough due to rumination and thinking about her and the other man. It's tough but it goes away and I eventually felt better. Stay strong and if you falter don't be hard on yourself Eric1!
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2013, 12:21:17 PM »

i made it 14 days of n/c then replied to a message she has sent the week before. she moved out almost 6 months ago spent the summer being pulled/jumpimg back in.

at one point i made it 32 days of n/c before running into her by chance. we had both changed our number and had eachother blocked in everyway. looking back that was better becouse i knew she coundnt call or txt at will. now know that im not blocked and we know each others numbers wears on me.

would so ez to txt her but would just lead to same thing again. i miss her and her kids so much at time i wish she would break again and call me but ive been very to the point with her last few times ive talked to her that she needs help before we can talk and im not good with talking to her when we both are seeing other ppl. her cheating was alot of what broke us ill not have part in doing that. i hope by making a stand with her and not backing down she will get help or stay away
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2013, 12:42:51 PM »

It's really though. I know I need to carry on, but there's times when I think, maybe if I just send her one message... .Thing is, I know nothing will come of it & I'll be in a worse position.

I know everyone talks about being recycled or having them reach out to us. I'd be happy to take anything, just so I know she's thinking about me.
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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2013, 01:15:14 PM »

Eric,

As I'm getting to understand the borderline mind a bit better, every day, thanks to what I read on this board and hear from others in the same situation I can tell you this.

No your ex partner has not forgotten about you.  It doesn't mean because they have borderline that they will say it never happened, that there was no relationship, and they suffer in their own particular way as we do in our own way.  But it is not in a healthy way.

I get the impression that this is what you need to hear, and I'm not saying this because you want to hear this, but because it is a fact.

A fact is also, and you know it, more and more every day, I enjoy reading what you say, that you are slowly detaching.  You're on the right track.  It's not an easy one, but the right one, and it's time to think about you.  Just you.

You, who knows, that contact is not going to improve things for yourself.  You who knows that you are not going to change them.  And the same you who knows how hard it is to change yourself.

Don't forget about that !   You have one supportive family over here.  Contact that family whenever you feel the need for it !

Take care !

Reg
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« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2013, 02:13:16 PM »

Dear Eric,

     If only they would forget you!  I can tell you that I went total n/c with my pwBPD for 30 years and then started working with her again.  To say she remembers me would be a gross understatement.  The thing is, what you want (me too) is validation that she knows you really loved her and that she really loved you just as she stated she did.  We will never get that, my friend, because it just isn't so.  You were not the meaningless used tissue you may feel like right now, but you also weren't the love of her life.  She doesn't have a love of her life, even though she genuinely feels every guy she kisses is he.  The somewhat stranger truth is that she really wasn't (despite what you feel right now) the love of your life.  She was a manufactured facsimile of some aspects of that person you probably haven't met yet, but still less than that woman will be. 

     I know you don't believe this and it's OK.  You're very early in the process of understanding and I'm fairly late, so it's natural that we see things differently.  The good pert of the three decades of space I've had is that I really get to see whether what is written on these boards stays true over the years in a very high functioning undiagnosed example.  OMG.  You can't even imagine how classically BPD 'my' pwBPD still is and how deeply I realize that I would have had decades of complete pain if I had gotten the wish you still feel so fervently in your soul -- the chance to be her choice on a long(er) term basis.  I say long(er) term as no r/s is ever long term with these folks.  Ever.  'My' pwBPD has had so many husbands, children, affairs, drama, etc. in the intervening years (n/c doesn't mean I didn't get information about her) it just all adds up to a very sad story that I missed being a much deeper player in.  I've used the term 'dodging a bullet' loosely, like most people to describe minor calamities I avoided.  This feels a whole lot more like actually dodging a real bullet --except I can't take any credit for the dodging part as I really wanted to dodge nothing.

LT
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« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2013, 02:39:00 PM »

Nice going Eric1! You are making progress even though it doesn't feel like it! So keep staying the course regardless of how you feel right now, you are doing very well!

At this point the best thing to hold on to is that slogan... .just do it... .

Like Lao Tzu said, you haven't yet met the love of your life yet... .That is a good thing to look forward to!

Take Care buddy!

Best Wishes

Scout99
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Eric1
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« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2013, 03:33:34 PM »

The problem is, Lao, that I keep fighting that she isn't BPD. That it was me that caused her to react and be the way she was. Whether it was me not listening, setting boundaries, losing my temper etc, maybe just maybe, if these hasn't have happened then things could have been different.

I can see her trying her hardest to make her new relationship work because she wouldn't want to have lost both me and this new bloke. She's the strongest she's been with regards to not contacting, but I expect that's because she's monkey branched to the new bloke.
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« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2013, 03:30:56 AM »

Scenario,

If they do never contact us again & there next relationship works and they're happy. Does that mean that they aren't BPD?

Is it us that causes the problems?

Day 8 NC. Feel like ___.
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« Reply #16 on: September 14, 2013, 04:01:50 AM »

The problem is, Lao, that I keep fighting that she isn't BPD. That it was me that caused her to react and be the way she was. Whether it was me not listening, setting boundaries, losing my temper etc, maybe just maybe, if these hasn't have happened then things could have been different.

I can see her trying her hardest to make her new relationship work because she wouldn't want to have lost both me and this new bloke.

You're telling yourself a story to upset yourself. It's ok because it's a story we've read over and over on this board. You feel that you could've done better on your part and now she's gone and found somebody else that will and they'll have your "happily ever after".

"Happily ever after" is only in fairy tales, and that's EXACTLY what this story in your head is: Pure fiction. The true story is that you were looking to her to make you whole and she was looking to you too make her whole. This is unhealthy and not a great basis for ANY long term relationship, especially when one partner is seriously mentally ill with BPD.

Even if she is not BPD, what are the facts? She was abusive, violent, and manipulative. Is this really the kind of person you truly believe is your "soulmate"? A person who treats you terribly much of the time? A person who crushes your soul? Is this what you believe you truly deserve? Is your sense of self-worth that low that you choose to confuse abuse with love?

This is something you have to work out for yourself. The problem is you're being distracted by her, and that's why NC is such a powerful tool for working on yourself. It gives you time and space to work on your own issues without the distractions. You need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself because these are obviously two things she'll never do for you! Best wishes. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2013, 05:00:06 AM »

Thanks, learning curve. I don't need anyone to make me whole, I want someone to add value to my life. I still think i'm caught up thinking she was right for me, when it's obvious she wasn't.

I'm determind to get into double figures on NC. It would be the longest either of us have not heard from each other!
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« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2013, 05:09:54 AM »

Scenario,

If they do never contact us again & there next relationship works and they're happy. Does that mean that they aren't BPD?

Is it us that causes the problems?

Day 8 NC. Feel like ___.

No, it doesn't... .And no it isn't.  First of all if you look around the boards here you will find plenty of examples where non partners have been struggling for years to make their relationships with pw BPD work and still the relationships fail and break down eventually. Also among the relationships that do stand the test of time among the members here, you will find that it has not come without huge sacrifices made by the non partners... .

Being able to be in a relationship with a pw BPD takes that you as a partner is extremely stable and balanced yourself, since you cannot look for support or validation from your partner since they are incapable of giving that to anyone due to their disorder. Being a partner to a pw BPD means accepting the role of a care giver. Being accepting of all their negative traits such as constant break ups, flirting and or cheating with others to seek validation, dealing with rage and mood swings, and never take it personally... .It often also means be the sole part responsible for the household, children, economy just to name a few of the things partners of pw BPD have to be able to cope with... .

Things like that is very hard to ask from anyone. And if we as non's are sensitive and look for idealization and passion and need to feel secure and loved by our partners, all of which are perfectly normal and good things to look for in a relationship, then being in a relationship with a pw BPD will be devastating... .

Try to bring focus back to you again, and just stay the course. You are doing great, and these feelings you keep having about her will subside when you give them time to... .It is ok that it feels like it sucks right now. It won't feel like that forever.  

Best Wishes

Scout99
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Eric1
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« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2013, 06:00:55 AM »

I'm staying on course & am determined to see this through now.

I do need to stop punishing myself with thoughts of what she's doing and who shes with.

The only flip side, is she doesn't know what i'm doing either. Whether she cares or not, is of no relevance.
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« Reply #20 on: September 14, 2013, 07:01:12 AM »

good job keep inspiring others!
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Eric1
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« Reply #21 on: September 15, 2013, 05:52:21 AM »

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.
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« Reply #22 on: September 15, 2013, 06:41:31 AM »

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.

It's okay man... .you're ok to feel like an idiot, we all make mistakes! This is only a little blip. I don't believe texting an apology to her serves any purpose other than soothing your guilty feelings. If you do want to text an apology, the shortest matter of fact text is best in my opinion.

The biggest negatives about texting her are twofold. If she replies you may find yourself replying back and getting into an unneeded dialogue. If she doesn't reply then you'll be feeling bad and ruminating about why she doesn't. It's a lose-lose situation. Believe me, I know what that's like... . 

Hang in there. I turned to drinking too and the good people here reminded me that alcohol is a depressant, something I didn't need any extra help with. I try not to drink to excess and when I have the urge to, I try to do it with friends who will keep me out of trouble.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself.  
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« Reply #23 on: September 15, 2013, 10:12:18 AM »

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.
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« Reply #24 on: September 15, 2013, 11:18:24 AM »

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.

Eric,

So, you did something stupid and drunk dialed - most of us have done it - let it go and forgive yourself.

Dropping her a message is you truly wanting contact - if you do - that is fine, just be very clear that there is absolutely NO response from her that is going to make your own pain go away.  As such, rather than feeling the pain of the grief - you are creating some distraction to feel an easier emotion for you... .

It's ok, many of us have walked this path - I wish there was something besides pain that makes us change our actions... .this is where we are not much different than pwBPD regarding maladaptive coping to pain.

Be good to YOU Eric - if you are not treating you well, who will?

Peace,

SB
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« Reply #25 on: September 15, 2013, 11:25:33 AM »

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.

Hi Eric1!

You know what... .no one here is going to stop you if you want to continue having this attachment to this girl who is causing you so much stress and grief, if that is what you are hellbent on doing... .So if you want to keep calling her in the middle of the night and then the next day use those incidents as excuses to send her texts afterwards, to do everything you can to make her respond... .Then feel free to do so!

It is your choice!

The only thing we here do is share with you that such actions will in the end cause more grief and stress and tormented emotions for you... .And cheer you on when you make up your mind about keeping NC and staying true to a course that most of us here know from experience is the best thing for us when we feel stressed and tormented by an unhealthy relationship situation... .

But which ever you choose in every situation is still going to be your choice! And nobody here is going to post blame on you for whatever it is you do choose. It is your life, and your pain and ultimately it is you who have to make up your mind on whether you want to continue having this pain, or if you want to work your way out of it... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

PS; as I write this I see seeking balance has written an almost identical post... .well well different words but same message... .Maybe it will serve you anyway... .
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Eric1
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« Reply #26 on: September 16, 2013, 04:54:47 AM »

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.

It's okay man... .you're ok to feel like an idiot, we all make mistakes! This is only a little blip. I don't believe texting an apology to her serves any purpose other than soothing your guilty feelings. If you do want to text an apology, the shortest matter of fact text is best in my opinion.

The biggest negatives about texting her are twofold. If she replies you may find yourself replying back and getting into an unneeded dialogue. If she doesn't reply then you'll be feeling bad and ruminating about why she doesn't. It's a lose-lose situation. Believe me, I know what that's like... . 

Hang in there. I turned to drinking too and the good people here reminded me that alcohol is a depressant, something I didn't need any extra help with. I try not to drink to excess and when I have the urge to, I try to do it with friends who will keep me out of trouble.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself. 

I was with friends, but it was at the end of the night as i was on my way home that i called. I think it's for the best that i take a sabatical from drinking. 1. It makes me feel like crap the following day, and as i write this, i'm feeling pretty low. 2. It will prevent any relapses in my NC.

So, NC starts again today. I did text her, saying sorry if the calls woke her up. I turned my phone off and havn't turned it back on since. So, i don't know if she's replied.
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« Reply #27 on: September 16, 2013, 09:00:51 AM »

Dear Eric,

     We all do only what we can and when we can.  You must expect 'backsliding', at least emotionally, on a somewhat regular basis; it's part of the process.

LT
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« Reply #28 on: September 16, 2013, 09:25:40 AM »

I'm dissapointed in myself because I reached a milestone in my NC, but these things happen. What I am kicking myself for is the fact that she now knows i have been thinking about her. She would have known i was drunk, which is a mild excuse in itself.

She didn't attempt to contact me the following day, and i still haven't switched my phone on after sending the text. How sad am i?

Break ups really do allow you to look at yourself, because i needed to make improvements and changes.

She must think i'm nuts.
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« Reply #29 on: September 16, 2013, 09:50:36 AM »

Eric,

     I'd be careful not to assume a pwBPD thinks about your r/s in the same way you do.  I would venture that she's pleased (happy would be the wrong term) to be involved in 'drama' and that you're currently on the line with her.  That's just fine; she doesn't have a clue about the actual vast changes you have made in yourself and will continue to make.  (This minor slip will only serve to strengthen your resolve for the future -- as will other slips you should expect in the future) The truth is that what she thinks or doesn't think doesn't matter in the least.  What you think is what is important, and your thinking has the smell of success for yourself, if you ask me.

LT
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« Reply #30 on: September 16, 2013, 11:20:06 AM »

She checked out mentally before she decieded to leave the relationship. She already had another bloke lined up, which i assume she's still seeing. I was obviously still in love, so it came as more of a shock, but i'm better now than what i was. It all takes time, just sometimes wish it would hurry up so i'd stop thinking about her.
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« Reply #31 on: September 16, 2013, 11:40:45 AM »

Turned my phone on, no replies. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't a text that warranted a reply as i didn't ask questions, but it's obvious she's now just ignoring me.

Feel really bad. I'm gutted with myself. All back to the beginning.
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« Reply #32 on: September 16, 2013, 01:25:35 PM »

All back to the beginning.

Not really the beginning if you learned something - what did you learn about yourself?

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« Reply #33 on: September 16, 2013, 01:44:16 PM »

I've learnt that I don't like being ignored  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

But, personal issues that I've learnt since the break up... .

I was insecure and allowed jealousy to get the better of me.

She relied on me making her happy and vis versa, which you can only be happy if you're happy with yourself. I still need to work on this because I have days when I'm miserable.

I didn't communicate well enough or express my feelings. Which led to arguments and lack of boundaries. I also allowed my temper to rise rather than dealing with conflicts.

I offer great value and am likeable. She made me feel worthless at times, and I have no reason to be.

I don't deal with break ups very well. I still have feelings for her and contact just ruins me. I feel like contacting again, just to get a response. But, that would be daft.

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« Reply #34 on: September 16, 2013, 01:57:17 PM »

what have you learned about you specific to this latest attempt by you to connect?
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« Reply #35 on: September 16, 2013, 02:09:36 PM »

That I'm not ready for any type of contact. I can't deal with the rejection all over again.
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« Reply #36 on: September 16, 2013, 02:34:57 PM »

That I'm not ready for any type of contact. I can't deal with the rejection all over again.

That is a good gauge for you.

so next time - how could you see yourself handling it differently?
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« Reply #37 on: September 16, 2013, 02:36:41 PM »

I can't contact again.

I've also realised i really miss talking to her, which does me no favours.
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« Reply #38 on: September 16, 2013, 03:22:17 PM »

I can't contact again.

what will you DO next time you Feel like it - there will be a next time, having a plan in place is really good.

I've also realised i really miss talking to her, which does me no favours.

well, what exactly do you miss about talking to her?
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« Reply #39 on: September 16, 2013, 03:51:06 PM »

I don't know. I feel like contacting already, but I'm just remembering how I felt when I got to reply.

Because I like hearing about what's happening with her & I want to tell her what's new with me. I miss making her laugh.
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« Reply #40 on: September 16, 2013, 03:56:03 PM »

I don't know. I feel like contacting already, but I'm just remembering how I felt when I got to reply.

well, contacting her didn't make you feel better - why do you think you want to do it again now?  Can you see how this may be addiction like?

Many times, it can help to replace that feeling with some other form of self-soothing... .do you run, paint, meditate - anything you enjoy that can help distract?

Because I like hearing about what's happening with her & I want to tell her what's new with me. I miss making her laugh.

Who is your 2nd choice to do these things with?  Can you contact that person and ask if they will be your "breakup buddy"?
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« Reply #41 on: September 16, 2013, 04:27:35 PM »

I go the gym, but I can only do so much. It's the time at work as well. I just sit there thinking about her, obviously I do work, but it's not the greatest distraction. My work has slackened off as well.

I know I need to stay no contact, otherwise I will never fully get over her. I just need to pull myself together and deal with it.

I think ive done enough to push her away, so I won't be getting any contact back from her.
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« Reply #42 on: September 16, 2013, 07:11:15 PM »

I know I need to stay no contact, otherwise I will never fully get over her. I just need to pull myself together and deal with it.

It's difficult but you can do it. 
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« Reply #43 on: September 17, 2013, 02:39:15 AM »

When I first started going out with my ex, my ex from a previous relationship tried contacting me via text and email wanting to catch up etc. I told me ex about this & then told my ex ex that it was inapropriate for us to be in contact because i'm in a new relationship.

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

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« Reply #44 on: September 17, 2013, 04:02:04 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

Well... .Of course in the best of worlds other people would always know how best to treat us at the exact right time and never make bad choices themselves... .But in reality we are all only human... .And will react according to our own maturity level and mental health... .

So the truth is if we depend on other people to treat us right, we will get disappointed over and over aging... .Which is why we need to learn to make choices to act and react in ways that helps ourselves to cope as best as we can regardless of how other people choose to act and react towards us... .

This is why seeking balance, who is now actually offering you some very useful help here, is trying to ask you questions about your own pattern of action and reaction, offering you an opportunity to shift focus from her, and what you would wish for her to do in order for you to feel better - to you, and what you could do in order for you to feel better... .

I know you wish for that "button" to push that will sort of magically make all the uncomfortable feelings to go away... .But such a button, as you know, doesn't exist... .Working through the pain and learning what actions to take in order for uncomfortable feelings to be able to fade exists however. But you, as we all, must choose to walk that path by ourselves... .We can't make anyone else do that for us either... .Even though we all would want to... .

So go back and look at seeking b's questions again... .And try them out! Smiling (click to insert in post)

But first you need to stop beating yourself up for the incidents where you broke your NC... .NC is at all times your choice, and so is breaking it. So there is no one who wants or needs to punish you for it... .So you shouldn't either... .You always have another chance to choose to go NC. Always!

Best Wishes

Scout99
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« Reply #45 on: September 17, 2013, 04:18:10 AM »

As posted somewhere else, which describes how i am to a tee.

I need my heart to catch up with my head.

My head says run for the hills, you've had a lucky escape and you deserve better.

My heart still loves her.

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« Reply #46 on: September 17, 2013, 04:42:27 AM »

Totally know how you feel. I'm right there with you. We split up (again, maybe the 7th time) about a week ago. My last contact was about 12 hours ago and it was Awful! Her roommate (by that I mean "friend who is letting her crash and hasn't yet kicked her out) told me that she thought we broke up a week before we actually did, because my girl was bringing another dude around that whole week.  Now I can't tell her that her roommate said that (she's the only one who knows and 'promised' not to tell) because it would just cause unnecessary drama, but I just want her to Admit that she was cheating on me. But instead I just kept it generic saying things like "you're not being truthful with me and it hurts" but of course that does nothing but make her call me crazy for thinking she's lying about Anything ever.

I've been trying to stick with the whole NC thing (no contact, for people like me who didn't know what it meant) but its tough. As of an hour or so ago I blocked her on twitter and FB. I can't block calls or texts and I need my phone for work so I can't just turn it off or change the number so she still texts me daily. Ranging from "I miss you" to "you're the worst person in the world".  What hurts so much though is that I "know" that she's sending me these texts in between rounds of flirty texts, sexts, and probably actual sex with other guys. She obviously won't admit any of that to me, but, I fee it.  But I also still feel such deep love, and still have that ridiculous idea that if she just got the right amount of help and stopped doing this and started doing that that she would be so perfect.   

It's hard, bro. I feel your pain.

I think comedian Roy Woods Jr said it best:

"Sometimes... .you just gotta let the b**ch drown!"
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« Reply #47 on: September 17, 2013, 05:05:06 AM »

We're in the same boat, mate. Mine carried on calling me when she was seeing this new bloke. I stupidly told her i still had feelings for her, which then turned into a "we need to delete each others numbers and not contact"

I've broke it a few times, but i'm dead set now. I can't break it again. It doesn't help, it doesn't make me feel better & it just prolongs the pain.

With the improvements i've made & what i've learned, i feel like things would be different. But, Has she changed? I don't know. My head tells me that i can never get back with her again, but getting back together is all my heart wants to do.

We need to treat them like they are poison.
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« Reply #48 on: September 17, 2013, 05:58:42 AM »

As posted somewhere else, which describes how i am to a tee.

I need my heart to catch up with my head.

My head says run for the hills, you've had a lucky escape and you deserve better.

My heart still loves her.

Yes! And this is where this important little word "acceptance" comes in.

What you need to do right now is to accept that your head and your heart are not fully in line right now at this point... .It is really ok to feel like that. Because it will not stay that way forever! It will eventually change, when you let it... .

This is what learning to stay in and cope with discomfort means... .It is through suffering times like this that we learn, evolve and mature as human beings! It is universal and it is something we all get faced with at times in our lives.

A word on treating her as if she is poison... .An alternative to that thought can be:

I create poison for myself when I give in to my heart, when I know I need to go with my head in this particular situation... .

It is about you, not her... .And as uncomfortable as that may feel... .That is really your help and best friend right now... .

Best Wishes

Scout99
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« Reply #49 on: September 17, 2013, 06:36:19 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

She already knows that you know she is seeing someone else, so no need to tell you.  I would also bet that she is using the fact that you called and have sent messages in the past few weeks as a means to advertise to her new guy about what a great catch she is, since there is someone (you) that really misses her.  And therefore try to make this guy believe that he is so lucky to have her.  I would say that if she breaks up with this guy, that she will be looking for contact with you again, unless someone new turns up.  Until she has been "abandoned" by this guy and has nowhere else to turn, you will not hear from her.
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« Reply #50 on: September 17, 2013, 06:42:30 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

She already knows that you know she is seeing someone else, so no need to tell you.  I would also bet that she is using the fact that you called and have sent messages in the past few weeks as a means to advertise to her new guy about what a great catch she is, since there is someone (you) that really misses her.  And therefore try to make this guy believe that he is so lucky to have her.  I would say that if she breaks up with this guy, that she will be looking for contact with you again, unless someone new turns up.  Until she has been "abandoned" by this guy and has nowhere else to turn, you will not hear from her.

Thats what i've been thinking. Even though she was in contact with me whilst she was seeing him, but it obviously wasn't going to work. When we last spoke, she did say 'speak to you soon'. I really need NC, if she doesn't contact me, then it will be of benifit to me, but like scout said, i need to do this for myself now.

I just have to wait for my heart to catch up.

Unless he breaks up with her, she won't end it till she has someone else lined up, i expect.
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« Reply #51 on: September 17, 2013, 06:53:20 AM »

Yes, it will take time.  I went through something very similar a few years ago.  I think I had 2 or 3 blips at the start of NC but eventually went the whole hog.  She tried contacting the odd time also, but I knew it was most likely when things were failing with one of the many new guys.  I gave no encouragement to her at all.  I saw her again 6 years after we finished and still found her attractive of course and part of me wanted her to feel the same about me but deep down I did not really care.  I am so glad that I never stuck around.  She is married just a few months now.  Good luck to her husband. 

And good luck to you with your NC. YOu can do it.
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« Reply #52 on: September 17, 2013, 07:34:13 AM »

Hey Eric I'm right there with you. Want to contact but know I shouldn't. I also decided I needed to take some time off from drinking because at some point one of those drinks will talk you into calling or texting. And of course we feel the need to text in the morning... .

Mine had another guy lined up 3 or 4 times now. It's what they do. If she's with another man while she's with you. And if she starts talking to you when she's with her new man. It's pretty obvious that's what she'd continue to do if you get back together with her.

I also realize my ex doesn't think about me when she's with her new man. She's in the honeymoon phase. It doesn't mean she didn't care about me. It's just the way she is. Soon enough the honeymoon phase will start to wear off. And she'll either be causing a fight with her new man to get back into honeymoon phase or she'll find something on the side to fulfill that desire.

I also thought I wasn't communicating enough or knowing I could do something that would make her happy. It doesn't work. As you change something to suit her she'll change her tactics. It's a vicious circle that never ends.

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« Reply #53 on: September 17, 2013, 08:22:17 AM »

Hey Eric I'm right there with you. Want to contact but know I shouldn't. I also decided I needed to take some time off from drinking because at some point one of those drinks will talk you into calling or texting. And of course we feel the need to text in the morning... .

Mine had another guy lined up 3 or 4 times now. It's what they do. If she's with another man while she's with you. And if she starts talking to you when she's with her new man. It's pretty obvious that's what she'd continue to do if you get back together with her.

I also realize my ex doesn't think about me when she's with her new man. She's in the honeymoon phase. It doesn't mean she didn't care about me. It's just the way she is. Soon enough the honeymoon phase will start to wear off. And she'll either be causing a fight with her new man to get back into honeymoon phase or she'll find something on the side to fulfill that desire.

I also thought I wasn't communicating enough or knowing I could do something that would make her happy. It doesn't work. As you change something to suit her she'll change her tactics. It's a vicious circle that never ends.

Makes perfect sense. I had to tell my ex about the honeymoon stage, because she didn't know what was happening when the relationship goes to the next stage. She idolized me, then de-valued me.

My issue is, i beleive, because she mentioned about her rages after we broke up, that she realises what she does. I'm worried she will be different with the new bloke and it will work out.

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« Reply #54 on: September 17, 2013, 09:32:15 AM »

Realizing and doing is easier said than done. You realize you shouldn't contact her and you do. I'd say not on tasting her is much easier than what she's dealing with.

They also say things you want to hear. So you never know. I'm to the point anytime my ex says something I actually wanted to hear, it's a lie.
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« Reply #55 on: September 17, 2013, 09:33:19 AM »

*not contacting her


Is there an edit button I'm missing?
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« Reply #56 on: September 17, 2013, 09:36:03 AM »

Dear Eric,

    The idea that the pwBPD will be different with the next person is a very common fear that has been discussed at length a number of times on this site.  To find the discussions just use the keyword search function.  I believe this thinking (I'm no expert, mind you) is a part of the bargaining phase of accepting the 'death' of the r/s.  We want to imagine they are better or are at least starting down the path to getting better because THEN it would make perfect sense for us to re-engage.  It's actually a very clever way for our brains to both accept the logical conclusion that the pwBPD actually has BPD and to simultaneously justify the reasoning that we should run to her.  Eric, you need to see this for what it is; you're trying to get back with her despite your best efforts and this is just a ploy your own mind is using on you.  

    The truth is that no one with BPD gets better from this without a long time in therapy and a lot of hard work on their part.  Otherwise, this is just 'magical' thinking. She isn't likely to ever get better (mine hasn't in the 30 years I've known her).  The only one who can get better, actually, is you.  Bargaining is part of adjusting to the idea of letting this completely fake r/s go.  You can, eventually, be free to have a real r/s with someone who will be even more exciting and interesting because she'll be real and won't just be reflecting your image back to you. Keep your eye on this prize.

LT

   
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« Reply #57 on: September 17, 2013, 09:53:18 AM »

I know that when I find someone who I love and loves me, who i can laugh with and enjoy good times with, then my ex will be a distant memory. It's happened in the past, so I know it can happen in the future.

About her changing, I keep on telling myself that she isn't really BPD. She displayed the traits, but I'm in the mindset that maybe I was looking for an excuse and reason for what I went through.

Maybe it was me... .
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« Reply #58 on: September 17, 2013, 10:09:02 AM »

I keep on telling myself that she isn't really BPD. She displayed the traits, but I'm in the mindset that maybe I was looking for an excuse and reason for what I went through.

Maybe it was me... .

Her traits, your abandonment issues = unhealthy dynamic, plain and simple.

Eric - how are you doing focusing on your core issues that have gotten you to this place?  Have you checked out the Personal Inventory board or do you have a T you are working with?
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« Reply #59 on: September 17, 2013, 10:29:07 AM »

From this description (www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issues) I don't have abandonment issues, I am 'You can't do enough for your partner, and you're a giver. You don't understand why he doesn't appreciate you' though. I loved her, plain and simple. I'm still idolizing what I thought we would have & achieve. Hence the necessity of NC, to help me detach.

I don't have a therapist as I cant afford one.

I'm learning everyday about myself, who i am, what I brought to the relationship, what I done to cause issues in the relationship and i'm working on them.
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« Reply #60 on: September 17, 2013, 10:42:26 AM »

From this description (www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issues) I don't have abandonment issues, I am 'You can't do enough for your partner, and you're a giver. You don't understand why he doesn't appreciate you' though. I loved her, plain and simple. I'm still idolizing what I thought we would have & achieve. Hence the necessity of NC, to help me detach.

I don't have a therapist as I cant afford one.

I'm learning everyday about myself, who i am, what I brought to the relationship, what I done to cause issues in the relationship and i'm working on them.

What Lessons and workshops have you found to be helpful as you detach?

Regarding your abandonment issues - considering you are the one making contact with her, sounds like that might look like an abandonment triggered action (for the record, 99% of us here have this issue) - have you ever read this workshop - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

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« Reply #61 on: September 17, 2013, 10:57:30 AM »

Think I need to sit down and read through them.

I think the fact i struggle with No contact is an issue. All it does is cause more grief, but I keep doing it.

Not anymore. I'm dead set on NC now.

Also, drinking on the weekends really doesn't help. Alchol is a depressant. At the time, i'm having fun, but the following hangover, i feel miserable. So, for the time being, i need to stop going out.
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« Reply #62 on: September 17, 2013, 11:14:06 AM »

Think I need to sit down and read through them.

I think the fact i struggle with No contact is an issue. All it does is cause more grief, but I keep doing it.

Not anymore. I'm dead set on NC now.

Also, drinking on the weekends really doesn't help. Alchol is a depressant. At the time, i'm having fun, but the following hangover, i feel miserable. So, for the time being, i need to stop going out.

NC is great for detaching, but it is still only a tool.

Detaching requires the ability to understand our own emotions and why we do something, how to self-soothe in a more healthy manner.

I think you might really find value in reading the lessons and moving to the Personal Inventory board to work on your own issues - it might help you maintain the NC that you seem to be striving for.
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« Reply #63 on: September 17, 2013, 05:20:38 PM »

I've been trying to keep myself busy this evening. Decorating my house. I usually enjoy my own company, but all I can do now is think. I've tried doing everything to stop.

It's good she ignored me, as I need it.

What I am starting to think about is her with this new bloke, being intimate & it's really killing me.

Not pleasant at all.
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« Reply #64 on: September 17, 2013, 05:33:51 PM »

Not pleasant at all.

no, detaching is not pleasant at all - I agree

Meditation helps - because it trains your mind to notice thoughts but let them go.  Your mind can be trained like any other muscle... .it takes practice, patience, diligence and discipline.
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« Reply #65 on: September 17, 2013, 06:05:42 PM »

Eric, do you have a link to your story with your ex?
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« Reply #66 on: September 18, 2013, 01:44:29 AM »

Gives a basic outline... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206311.msg12289569#msg12289569
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« Reply #67 on: September 18, 2013, 01:58:18 AM »

I think why I'm struggling again is the realisation that its 100% over. No recycles, no reconciliations, no more contact.

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« Reply #68 on: September 18, 2013, 06:09:20 AM »

Willbegood, This is the correct link https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206105.msg12288112#msg12288112
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« Reply #69 on: September 18, 2013, 06:11:22 AM »

I think why I'm struggling again is the realisation that its 100% over. No recycles, no reconciliations, no more contact.

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. We have to keep in mind that some of our feelings are just normal feelings when a relationship ends.

My ex burned me so many times with guys on the side that I can't remember it all. She'd even text to let me know she was on her way to his house and would be busy the rest of the night. Then text in the morning to let me know exactly what they did. So I'm pretty numb to it all and don't care what she's doing while with another guy. But I think it naturally runs through our heads from time to time about what they're doing with their new partner.

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« Reply #70 on: September 18, 2013, 06:22:42 AM »


Excerpt
I agrued back at times and shouted back because i couldn't take it anymore, but thats all that is every remembered.

Yep classic! Happened all the time and we end up apologizing every time and what they did gets swept under the rug. And when you stand up for yourself and don't apoligize they go NC and end up with a new man (which they probably already had on the side).
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« Reply #71 on: September 18, 2013, 06:31:15 AM »

What I am starting to think about is her with this new bloke, being intimate & it's really killing me. Not pleasant at all.

Oh boy, that was killing me, too. Maybe even one of the reasons I went back. I know now that it wasnt worth it, never was and never will be. She has a new guy now and I don't even think about it. In fact, that's good for me because there will be no recycle attempt.  By ignoring you she has done you a favour, you might not know how big of a favour yet, but you will see it more and more as you heal.

Eric, you need to keep yourself busy as I try to each day. Thinking of her being intimate is not going to help.  How can you get over this?

Willbegood : why haven't you blocked her number? I would say she obviously knows you have feelings for her and she is hitting you where it hurts. Why do you punish yourself so?
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« Reply #72 on: September 18, 2013, 06:35:40 AM »

I'm trying to keep busy, but everything I do still gets me thinking about her.

I think about her in the gym, whilst i'm decorating, whilst i'm with friends, whilst i'm at work. Nothing helps.

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 
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« Reply #73 on: September 18, 2013, 06:48:55 AM »

Willbegood : why haven't you blocked her number? I would say she obviously knows you have feelings for her and she is hitting you where it hurts. Why do you punish yourself so?

The final straw was last weekend. She's blocked as much as she possibly can be.
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« Reply #74 on: September 18, 2013, 06:54:51 AM »

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.
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« Reply #75 on: September 18, 2013, 06:59:29 AM »

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.

I think you're right. Maybe taking some time away from these boards etc will help stop me ruminating about everything.
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« Reply #76 on: September 19, 2013, 05:16:54 AM »

Would it help if i went off the radar completly. I.e. Turn my phone off? I know her number off by heart, if i have no phone, i have no contact. Might be tricky keeping in touch with friends tho 

It just takes time. You probably fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her right now. At some point you'll wake up and later in the morning you'll realize you didn't wake up thinking about her. Turning your phone off and going off the radar will just draw out the pain your going through.

I don't know what anyone else thinks but time away from these boards so you're not constantly reliving the situation might help. I know for me these boards are helpful up to a point, then I need to get off them so I don't get consumed thinking about the situation instead of moving on.

I think you're right. Maybe taking some time away from these boards etc will help stop me ruminating about everything.

Actually the only thing that will make it better is time, together with acceptance... .Accepting the feelings and thought you have right now for what they are and allow them to be there... .Yes, allow it to feel sucky right now. instead of trying everything you have to flee from those feelings... .You don't really need to do anything... .instead you need to just accept things for what they are... .And go about your life as usual... .

Destraction is not going to make the feelings go away... .Distraction is working if it makes it possible for you to allow also other things to enter your mind and heart at the same time... .

What we often don't get is that happiness and pain are not opposites on a scale... .they are instead two different scales that can exist side by side... .That is we can actually feel happy and ok with ourselves and life, at the same time as we are going through painful things... .But the key to that is acceptance... .Allowing all our feelings and thought to exist, acknowledging their presence and then choose which ones we want to indulge in for the time being... .

Trying to run away from feelings or suppress that they are there will just bring more misery... .Allow yourself, Eric to feel the pain. instead of trying to either solve the situation with her or run away from it all together... .Try to do nothing and just allow yourself to feel what you feel. so it can work itself through your system and be allowed to subside... .

Best Wishes as always to you buddy! hang in there... .You are growing... .And that too is painful at times... .but still great!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Scout99
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Eric1
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« Reply #77 on: September 19, 2013, 10:05:06 AM »

Appreciate the advice, scout.

I should just accept that i'm getting over a break-up, i can't rush it, not much will take the pain away apart from time.
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SeekerofTruth
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« Reply #78 on: September 19, 2013, 10:42:40 AM »

Sobering:

Excerpt
    "Happily ever after" is only in fairy tales, and that's EXACTLY what this story in your head is: Pure fiction. The true story is that you were looking to her to make you whole and she was looking to you too make her whole. This is unhealthy and not a great basis for ANY long term relationship, especially when one partner is seriously mentally ill with BPD.

Even if she is not BPD, what are the facts? She was abusive, violent, and manipulative. Is this really the kind of person you truly believe is your "soulmate"? A person who treats you terribly much of the time? A person who crushes your soul? Is this what you believe you truly deserve? Is your sense of self-worth that low that you choose to confuse abuse with love?

This is something you have to work out for yourself. The problem is you're being distracted by her, and that's why NC is such a powerful tool for working on yourself. It gives you time and space to work on your own issues without the distractions. You need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself because these are obviously two things she'll never do for you!

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lisasport

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« Reply #79 on: September 19, 2013, 11:49:38 AM »

I'm going threw same thing. Day 5. The longer the better. 
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #80 on: September 19, 2013, 01:08:02 PM »

Staff only

We've reached the four page limit and this thread is now locked.  Feel free to start a new topic if you'd like to continue the discussion.
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