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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: If i Divorce how can i expect HwBPD to react?  (Read 1346 times)
whycantitbecalm

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« on: January 11, 2023, 04:13:34 AM »

Ok, quick back ground. Together for 22 yrs, married for 18.
We have 3 teenage boys.
As you can imagine after all the years things have got progressively worse.
I have gone through the totally manipulated stage, the saying how i feel and asking for more kindness stage, the realisation that he has BPD stage (i diagnosed him, and was backed up by the doctor 2 yrs ago), the angry stage, and now i am fully immersed in the My children and i deserve better stage.

There have been so many issues over the last 12 months, he is on antidepressants, but the doctor told him he could drop a couple of days, and those days are particularly hell.

I see him treating our children the way he treats me and they are now of the age where they very clearly see how unreasonable and mean he is to us all. They resent him and have no respect for him, they tell me respect should be earnt, and dad hasn't earnt it, and they're right.

So i am getting as much information gathered as i can before telling HwBPD that i want a divorce, finances etc ALL advice is very much needed, but specifically i would like to know peoples experiences of how their ex acted?

He has often accused me of cheating or preferring certain people to him, male and female, and we have close friends, who know nothing of this, and i believe he would make things up or say things too them that would make me lose their friendship or cause problems within their marriage, as he has falsely accused me of having an affair with the husband.

So do i prepare them for this? this is such a mess, all advice welcome
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BigOof
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2023, 09:53:43 AM »

1) Read or listen to "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

2) It isn't illegal to have a mental illness and so don't focus on it.

3) Make some recordings of him going on a rampage.

4) Check to see if you're suffering from C-PTSD.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2023, 10:13:47 AM »

From personal experience with my stbx H uBPD, you cannot expect any rational reactions. Be prepared with a safety plan including housing, finances, support, etc.

The book mentioned below was helpful and reinforced these as issues to be aware of.

My H coerced me into telling him I was filing and then went out and launched a huge smear campaign against me out of retaliation. I was delusional thinking he'd act as an adult.

I dealt with false allegations of just about anything he could check off on a form, he got a TOP against me on false grounds, made my life living hell, and filed for divorce before I could even get there. That actually doesn't matter but it messed with me as he filed for "cruel & unusual treatment" on total garbage lies.

I don't know what your partner will do, but in my experience it was horrible. Looking back, I would wait until I filed and maybe let him know he was being served. Though, violence tends to escalate at these times, so maybe I would just get myself away from him and let the sheriff inform him when served.



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zondolit
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2023, 10:50:27 AM »

He will likely react in ways similar to past behaviors but amplified because this is an even bigger crisis.

I totally resonate with your desire to know how he will react, but you must make the decision for yourself regardless of his response (with the exception if you believe your life is in danger or he is otherwise violent).

Depending on your relationship with these friends, you might tell them confidentially that you are planning to leave him, but only if they can be trusted to keep this confidence. For me it was liberating to tell friends this. I chose not to tell one friend that my husband believes I'm having an affair with them--this false accusation is so ridiculous I've not wanted to give it any credence by even repeating it to this dear friend. But you know your situation best.
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2023, 09:28:00 AM »

I sincerely hope your experience will be better than most, but it will likely be a rough divorce. You need a very experienced attorney with trial experience in high-conflict situations. I was really struggling financially but never regretted hiring the best.

He was expensive, but I found that having a very experienced attorney meant a very efficient attorney. He liked tough cases, dug into mine, and got it done. He also knew my ex's attorney very well and said that he was a hard fighter but at his core was a reasonable man. They actually liked each other, which is one of the reasons I hired that attorney.

I didn't have custody issues, and we had already sold the house during the separation. He thought that would force me back into his arms. So it was primarily financial assets and should have been easy. HA!

Then he fought nearly every-little-thing. I was acused of adultery (of course). He also had multiple mental breaks so bad that it scared his attorney. His attorney shouldn't have done this, but he actually called my attorney for advice instead of consulting his partners. We don't know if he did it, but his attorney weighed calling the police where my ex was living for a mental health check multiple times (my ex had a previous suicide attempt). There was more that scared the attorney, but I guess it was good that he told mine. It confirmed for me that I had to get away.

My legal team wrote off some of the work, but it was way more expensive than it should have been. I can only imagine what my ex paid because his attorney told mine that he was purposely overcharging because he despised his client.

In the end, my attorney retired, and his died of COVID after they had finished their part of closeout. It was a mess, but I had a solid team. I thank God for them every day.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2023, 10:31:54 AM »

He will likely react in ways similar to past behaviors but amplified because this is an even bigger crisis.

Separation and starting divorce is the most dangerous time since that can trigger poor, even dangerous, reactions and overreactions.  Do not assume an incident won't happen, ponder ways to do things from a less unsafe distance.  Close proximity can often enable a disordered person to flame out.

When someone is pondering separation, this has often been said... If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time.

When you start researching lawyers and what to do, this is a time to use privacy and confidential approaches.  With incidents so likely, beware of sharing everything (TMI = too much information).  Once you start legal action then you limit sharing to parenting information such as children's health, exchange details and similar topics.  Do NOT share your strategies.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2023, 11:11:36 AM »

Looking back, I would also make sure to research lawyers/get a new email account/do anything related to the divorce from a place you know is safe. Meaning, he/she/they are not reading your emails, have access to your computer/phone etc. I would have my devices checked by someone with technology experience to confirm they are ok to use and I would change all my passwords, phone password and keep everything locked down. I would also keep my phone away from the spouse and get a backup phone kept elsewhere for emergencies. My stbx H would steal my phone and lock it away, thus the extreme caution.

In my experience, my stbx H was severely disordered and manipulative.  Paragraph header (click to insert in post) He managed to hack my phone, computer, wifi, etc and could see and hear anything I did. I am not writing this to scare you; I'm hoping that my experience, which I never in a million years thought possible, helps someone else by me sharing.
I hope your experience is nothing like mine.

Point is, be safe, there is nothing preventing a disordered person to go to all extremes when they feel abandoned and threatened.

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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2023, 11:16:06 AM »

Also, my stbx H's attorney fired him more than once. The A even told mine that his client "was a piece of S**T" and severely deranged. H's never paid his A and thus it's costing me more money than I ever expected. I have to absorb the burden of getting away from him. Add a contingency to your finances, if possible, and to your expectations of how long it might take or how the spouse might react.

We are here for you!
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whycantitbecalm

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« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2023, 02:03:08 PM »

Thank you all so much.

He has never been violent with me, although can get aggressive physically with our eldest son.

I will make sure i had a backup plan for everything.

He has threatened to tell friend and family untrue things about me so perhaps i’ll just tell my close friends and family that he could spread lies about me.

Such a worrying time. I want to get it over and done with as soon as possible, but also know i MUST get myself in a strong position first.

Just getting as many copies of paperwork for finances etc ready and trying to save a little cash.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2023, 03:53:47 PM »

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) He has never been violent with me, although can get aggressive physically with our eldest son.
Your actions will make a mentally unstable person even more mentally unstable.  Even if you don't think you will need it, make yourself a safety plan.  Here is an example:
 https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

I will make sure I have a backup plan for everything.
Have a 'safety plan' in place.  Do not telegraph what you are going to do, this will likely be a 'high conflict' divorce.  Practice the 7 P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Performance. 

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) He has threatened to tell friend and family untrue things about me so perhaps i’ll just tell my close friends and family that he could spread lies about me.
This is not a threat, it is a promise!  Even my church going pwBPD has made this threat!

Such a worrying time. I want to get it over and done with as soon as possible, but also know i MUST get myself in a strong position first.
7P's here.  Be prepared for delays, and a slugfest.  It will unlikely be 'over and done with as soon as possible'.

Just getting as many copies of paperwork for finances etc ready and trying to save a little cash.
7P's here.  Keep a copy on a thumb drive, keep a copy on a cloud drive, in addition to copies on your phone.  Don't leave one on any device that is accessible to your pwBPD.
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whycantitbecalm

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« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2023, 06:43:39 AM »

 SaltyDawg: Thank you, when I'm reading all the warnings from you all, I keep thinking "that won't happen to me" but I know that there is no harm in being prepared. I will make sure myself and the boys are safe and I have a backup for my backups.

I feel like I could just blurt it out at any second I am so decided on divorcing, BUT I need to see a solicitor (we're in the UK) first. To know exactly where I stand, because knowledge is power, and I need all the power I can get in this.

I am expecting him to empty our bank accounts, although that won't make me any less entitled to it, but he is certainly mean enough to do that to me and the children, all he can think about is himself, so why should now be any different.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2023, 08:15:52 AM »

when I'm reading all the warnings from you all, I keep thinking "that won't happen to me" but I know that there is no harm in being prepared.

I feel like I could just blurt it out at any second I am so decided on divorcing, BUT I need to see a solicitor (we're in the UK) first. To know exactly where I stand, because knowledge is power, and I need all the power I can get in this.



 Paragraph header (click to insert in post) I thought "that won't happen to me," but it did and worse. A mentally ill person isn't rational in their thinking and when feeling threatened they act even more irrationally.

I was naive in my planning enough to think he would be rational if I told him about divorcing. I didn't understand BPD or abuse yet as I was still in the FOG of it.

We'd talked about divorce before, and he used it constantly to threaten me thinking it would keep me in the abusive relationship. In the end, he coerced me, after a medical procedure, into telling him I was filing for divorce. Then he went into extreme mode and launched a smear campaign on me that I'm still dealing with.

I am expecting him to empty our bank accounts, although that won't make me any less entitled to it, but he is certainly mean enough to do that to me and the children, all he can think about is himself, so why should now be any different.

Get advice from your solicitor about the bank accounts, you don't want to be in a position where he does that and you have no access to money for you and your kids.

here for you!

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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2023, 08:35:19 AM »

SaltyDawg: Thank you, when I'm reading all the warnings from you all, I keep thinking "that won't happen to me" but I know that there is no harm in being prepared. I will make sure myself and the boys are safe and I have a backup for my backups.

I feel like I could just blurt it out at any second I am so decided on divorcing, BUT I need to see a solicitor (we're in the UK) first. To know exactly where I stand, because knowledge is power, and I need all the power I can get in this.

I am expecting him to empty our bank accounts, although that won't make me any less entitled to it, but he is certainly mean enough to do that to me and the children, all he can think about is himself, so why should now be any different.

7P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Peformance - Do everything you can to prepare for this.  It will be very rough if you are dealing with a mentally challenged person.  You need to look after yourself, and your children first. 

Create a separate bank account or two, in your name only, after talking to the solicitor, take the necessary actions all at once to protect your assets, kind of like a blitzkrieg counter defensive to protect yourself and your children, especially if you are a stay-at-home mum with limited income.  Do not loop your teen children into your plans, until you are ready to make your move.  The more who know about it, the more likely your H will catch wind of it.

Also, as part of the 7P's, when your H isn't home, take photographs of every financial document you can get your hands on - and then back these up in the cloud and a thumb drive in case he grabs your phone.  You likely won't have access to these once you tell your H or he finds out.  Knowledge is indeed power.  You need to keep it quiet, keep the peace, lull him into a false sense of security.  However, don't cross your moral convictions to do this.

Make sure you have plans for securing shelter for you and your children, you need to plan this meticulously and then you will realize that you still haven't planned enough.

Good luck, and take care.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2023, 01:26:49 PM »

Get advice from your solicitor about the bank accounts, you don't want to be in a position where he does that and you have no access to money for you and your kids.

You may have equal rights to joint accounts, but they're not quickly enforceable if the spouse drains them.  Sure, they'll tell you it will all be reconciled during the financial stage, but guess when that is?  Right, the financial reconciliation is typically at the very end of a divorce.  Can you sit back and wait one or two years for drained accounts to be properly reconciled?
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2023, 10:00:14 PM »

You may have equal rights to joint accounts, but they're not quickly enforceable if the spouse drains them.  Sure, they'll tell you it will all be reconciled during the financial stage, but guess when that is?  Right, the financial reconciliation is typically at the very end of a divorce.  Can you sit back and wait one or two years for drained accounts to be properly reconciled?

I am going to add to that, many pwBPD/NPD cannot maintain a job, so, they won't be able to pay it back, even if it is court ordered!  I know a person who is being additionally traumatized by this very fact!  This is a warning, for anyone who is considering to get divorced.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2023, 07:19:59 AM »

To add to Salty's comment, my stbx H, cannot keep a job for more than a year if not less. It always falls apart. I currently have a lot of damages that I could file against him and win but he'll never be able to pay them back to me. Where I live they'd garner his wages until I was paid back but it's not worth it. I'd rather get far far away from him with ZERO reliance on getting my money back, sadly. It put me in a very difficult financial situation but at least I'm going to be free of him soon.
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whycantitbecalm

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« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2023, 09:38:21 AM »

Yellowbutterfly & SaltyDawg

Thankfully he manages to hold down a job, this is literally all he cares about, and it amazes me that he can switch from the person he is to me, to be a fully functioning encouraging person at work.

 I feel like I am already trying to consider how I will even bring this up with him. I don't want to do it when he's in a rage, but like all the years before I also don't want to rock the boat and cause an outburst. More eggshells.

I've spent most of our marriage being relatively honest with him, so to enable myself to be honest I've had to not do things or go places, so that I felt ok with it rather than doing what I want and then needing to lie. But I feel like now I need to be prepared to lie - to avoid him taking things and ruining my relationships with others, or taking the dog, I need to pretend I don't care.

Every day is a wobble at the moment.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2023, 06:19:14 AM »

WCIBC,

   I hear you, so have a good safety plan in place.  Have all of your ducks in a row, be ready to leave immediately after you tell him [you will eventually have to, make sure it is the last thing you do before you execute your plan if things go really badly].  However, leaving him, will be his one and only chance to recognize the 'error of his ways' and it will be a level 100 [one hundred] out on a scale of 1 to 10 [ten] emotional event, that's how borderlines perceive emotions.

   If you have a car, have all of your essentials packed in the trunk, out of sight.  Including all of the documents.  You need to be in charge of the narrative.  Meet him separately at a restaurant, or other public space, like a library.  When I left my uBPD/NPDexgf, I met her at the same restaurant we had a first date - to symbolise that we had come full circle, as I knew she was mentally unstable, and could lose it, I broke the news to her there. 

I explained the reason why [she cheated on me, and I had e-mail evidence, and a copy of that e-mail in my pocket] I was leaving, she admitted to it.  We finished our meal in silence, I paid for the meal, left, went back to her place, packed my stuff, a van full, and proceeded to leave, where she pleaded for me not to go, and then she faked a heart attack as a last resort [they will get really desperate, at least mine did].

Of course it was not nearly as deep as your relationship, so, it was rather simple in comparison, and took the van that I paid for [albeit in both of our names, that was a nightmare to get her name off it].  She didn't rage, but behaved in a very manipulative manner as she knew her 'gravy train' was walking out the door, so she pretended to have a heart attack, I brought her to the hospital, after the preliminary assessment that she wasn't having one, I left her there, and never saw her again, although I did talk to her several times to get vehicle issue taken care of, and it was difficult at best.  I also said goodbye to $50k in unsecured loans I had given her, as I didn't want the additional drama of that, nor could she pay them back either.  I basically cut my losses and ran.

If he is likely to rage and/or have an emotional split on you, where their perception of reality is really warped to the point where you are perceived as a Disney Villain when they are so mad at you and paint you black with distorted perceptions, projections, distortions, transference, which will seem like outright lies - a.k.a. borderline splitting -  one of the ways to deal with that is to leave, as in divorce (the other way is ‘radical acceptance’ [just recently figured this part out] which is useful if you are a codependent) and enforce the boundary that they have just crossed as a consequence, which for you is going to be divorce, as something lets loose in their brain, and rational behavior is lost internally - however, they have some control over their external actions, as they don’t do it at work, or out in public, only where they feel the safest, which is usually the one they love the most or their favorite person, for my wife, it still is me.  However, they need to learn how to recognize it, and internalize it [hopefully without self harm] like they would with a work colleague instead of lashing out at us, which creates twice the harm instead of just harming themselves.  However, when it is internalized, it creates anxiety, and high levels of it.

I feel like I am already trying to consider how I will even bring this up with him. I don't want to do it when he's in a rage, but like all the years before I also don't want to rock the boat and cause an outburst. More eggshells.

I've spent most of our marriage being relatively honest with him, so to enable myself to be honest I've had to not do things or go places, so that I felt ok with it rather than doing what I want and then needing to lie. But I feel like now I need to be prepared to lie - to avoid him taking things and ruining my relationships with others, or taking the dog, I need to pretend I don't care.

My own 'moral compass' would lead me down the same path you are doing, I wouldn't feel right if I just got up and left [many do].  However, be prepared to do the illogical, as the illogical will happen, I did leave my ex at the hospital as she tried to manipulate and maneuver me from the 'persecutor' role into the 'rescuer' role of the drama triangle, while she was faking a heart attack [btw, I am medically trained to be the MPIC - medical person in charge of an ocean going vessel, so I did transport her to the hospital, so they could keep her under observation - it is cold and calculating, just as she was] as she was the 'victim'. 

Good luck, plan for everything, including the unexpected before you do this.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf is a safety plan, it is more detailed than what I used.

I was in constant contact with a good friend when I did this, covertly texted every step of the way, along with the unplanned hospital deviation, which delayed me by about 4 hours.  I had the non-emergency contact information of the police communication for that area, as my friend was in a different local and would ring up the wrong emergency department if 911 [999] was dialed.

If he has any weapons in the house, make sure you hide those, prior to the confrontation - I did that in my case, as I did not want to become a victim of that.  I hid them between the mattress and box spring of the spare bed in my case, choose a non-obvious spot to hide them.

Good luck, and take care.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2023, 07:26:48 AM »

Another thought is, are you in couples counseling? If so, that might be a good forum to let him know. If not, then just something to think about for others reading.

I was a very honest communicator in my relationship. Normally, it would be a good thing, but in the case of dealing with a mentally ill spouse, it worked against me. When I was planning to leave, I had to lie a lot to protect myself both physically and concerning my plans to leave/divorce. I faked a lot of interactions with him and it felt bad to me, obvisouly. ALTHOUGH, it protected me, so it was warranted.


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ForeverDad
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« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2023, 04:57:01 PM »

Most of us want to be overly fair and "above board", that is, not hiding anything.  (Maybe that's part of the reason our relationships lasted so long.)  But in gnarled and dysfunctional relationships like ours, that can expose us to sabotage.

How so? For those still struggling to limp along with the relationship, the other spouse may try to get pregnant.  We all can visualize how hard it would be for us to end it if a baby is on the way or has just arrived.  Or some may threaten (and act upon) allegations of DV or even child abuse if we proceed.

Since the risks are that high, we can't afford to be open, overly nice or overly fair.  Yes, it goes against our grain, our own good qualities can increase our risks, but to share critical separation/divorce plans would be almost sure-fire self-sabotage.

Sorry, but that is the reality.

Have an exit plan.  Then have plan B and backup plan C too.  Keep a spare set of keys and cash in a safe place, close but not in the house or where the spouse can go access them.  Have documents copied, two sets is better, many of us were guilted or fooled into deleting our recordings and other documentation.  Include copies of passports, birth certificates, bank accounts, credit accounts, titles, etc.

Best not to have that "we need to separate" talk until all your ducks are in a row, including having a lawyer on call.  And then doing it in a safe public location and with support nearby in case it rose to an incident level.  Many here, myself included, needed a lawyer the same day or weekend they separated.

Matt's experience was what I remembered too even before LnL mentioned his encounter with his police visit.  He was a prolific poster sharing his experiences, support and advice, over 14,000 posts over the years.  Years later he was able to look back without the distress at the time he was arrested overnight...

I thought about writing a book about my experience - 16 hours of hard time.  If I did, I think I would title it based on the most memorable quote from one of my cellmates:  "Yo white man you snoring!"  Good times, good times...

Really, LnL wrote an excellent post about possible scenarios and how to minimize the worst of the possibilities, seeking "less bad" options.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2023, 05:24:09 PM »

Many here, myself included, needed a lawyer the same day or weekend they separated.


Seconding all that FD said above.

I too needed a lawyer the same day. Thankfully, I had one on retainer as I was planning to divorce H before he went nuclear on me 
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whycantitbecalm

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2023, 04:08:32 PM »

Yellowbutterfly ForeverDad
Was your partner particularly nuclear before the announcement? I feel like i wouldn’t want to leave the house, that id rather call the police and him be removed.

Definitely having a wobble today, we’ve spent the day with friends who know none of this and think everythings fine.
The guilt of shattering so many peoples futures is literally eating away at me. I’m not sleeping or eating properly.
I feel so selfish for choosing me over so many other peoples futures.

This is so hard
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #22 on: January 21, 2023, 05:35:43 PM »

Imagine your family on a field trip.  Turns out it's across Death Valley.  Hot, dry, desolate.  And the car breaks down.  Do you flag down the next car passing by on the road or do you try to hike out across the desert?  You stay close to your most likely rescue.

Your primary concern is yourself and your three teens who will be adults in the next several years.  Sadly, your spouse is disordered and you can expect obstruction and sabotage.  Let go of any expectations there, besides, he is an adult and responsible for himself.  Sure, there are also friends, acquaintances and more distant relatives.  But they are outside the immediate family and the impact on them is much less.  Your life, your future and your well being as well as that of your kids is at stake.

Don't overthink it.  Don't fret overmuch.  Stay focused on what must be done and follow through in as safe (or as less unsafe) ways possible.

My story... I didn't get to make an announcement.  (And making an announcement without preparing my legal and physical safety would have been disastrous.)  It was getting progressively worse and worse until one day "in the moment" I had to call the emergency line and the police responded.  That marked the high-conflict end of my marriage.  Of course I didn't want to do it but I had no other choice.  My then-spouse made any other choice impossible.

There likely will be no "right time" to exit.  Do your best to prepare ahead of time but very likely your spouse won't give you all he time you feel you'll need.

One thing just about everyone here will agree upon is... don't think that if you are open and up front that your spouse will be agreeable.  Sounds nice but not realistic in our sort of cases.  An acting-out disordered spouse will likely strike out somehow and try to obstruct and sabotage you, or more.

And if there is concern for your safety or your children's safety, then err of the side of caution, such as letting the lawyer and process server handle the notification.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2023, 05:47:52 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

DarthPooh

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 9


« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2023, 07:08:51 PM »

Definitely read "Splitting" and "Say Goodbye to Crazy" was helpful as well.

Expect him to empty the bank account.  Expect him to lie and make you out to be the bad person in the ordeal.  Recordings, recordings, recordings.  Get several rants on file.  If he sends nasty texts or emails, get those gathered as well.  Talk to some top lawyers, they'll usually give a free consultation.  Each one could answer a question or two that you may have.  You'll want to know how family court usually plays out in your state.  Until very recently women were unassailable deities in court who coulds crush a man like a grape.  Nowadays, some states are more fair.  If you're in a state that is more fair to men now, it may be harder for you, particularly if he's wiley and manipulative.

Best wishes,
-DP
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