Need Advice: NC or Try and do something for alcoholic BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Heard from a friend today that my alcoholic BPD wife showed up at there place of business hammered drunk! She was completely wasted. Could not walk straight and it looked like she could not even put on her lipstick correctly.

We are presently in the midst of a divorce and she shacked up with someone after 3 weeks of dating. Since then she has been in a love in with the new guy whom I suspect is also a heavy drinker. I have two children with my wife (D8 and D7). Because of my wife's alcoholism she was convicted twice for child neglect / endangerment in the last 4 years and can no longer see the children unsupervised.

When I heard today how drunk she was I felt really bad for her. The kids and I ran into her the other day in the grocery store and she was drunk then but nothing like what I heard about today. I was wondering if I should send her a message to tell her that she has to get help for her drinking. I have been very LC / NC with her but when I heard today what she was doing it makes me feel like I should do something... .But what? Both her parents are also alcoholics so it's unlikely they would be of much help. Very sad to hear that about someone who is the mother of your children and have been married to for 14 years.

[confusedhubby]

Heard from a friend today that my alcoholic BPD wife showed up at there place of business hammered drunk! She was completely wasted. Could not walk straight and it looked like she could not even put on her lipstick correctly.

We are presently in the midst of a divorce and she shacked up with someone after 3 weeks of dating. Since then she has been in a love in with the new guy whom I suspect is also a heavy drinker. I have two children with my wife (D8 and D7). Because of my wife's alcoholism she was convicted twice for child neglect / endangerment in the last 4 years and can no longer see the children unsupervised.

When I heard today how drunk she was I felt really bad for her. The kids and I ran into her the other day in the grocery store and she was drunk then but nothing like what I heard about today. I was wondering if I should send her a message to tell her that she has to get help for her drinking. I have been very LC / NC with her but when I heard today what she was doing it makes me feel like I should do something... .But what? Both her parents are also alcoholics so it's unlikely they would be of much help. Very sad to hear that about someone who is the mother of your children and have been married to for 14 years.

[papawapa]

What can you do? She doesnt want to change or she would do it on her own. 

your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex has to start treatment and pass a drug test to get anything more than supervised visitation. Her excuse is that she doesnt have insurance.  Ive offered to buy her some. She wont agree to it.

If you have the strength to stay NC then stick to it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry that is happening confused.  You've probably heard it before, but there is nothing you can do to 'make' someone quit drinking, she needs to hit bottom, as it's called, which is a place where life has gotten so painful, and alcohol as the cause is so obvious, that drunks have a 'moment of clarity' and will seek help.  For some the pain isn't great enough, something they can still outdrink, and those folks will drink themselves to death.

It's hard enough with an alcoholic, but put BPD in the mix and it must be pure insanity.  There's Al-Anon, a support group for family and spouses of alcoholics, and since a common BPD trait is substance abuse, you may find folks there who can relate to what you're going through.  In any case, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your kids, and heal from the trauma wake those folks usually leave, and protect yourself.  The best thing you can express to a drunk is your honest feelings about them sincerely and straight, and they will do with it what they will.  Of course if your relationship with a BPD was anything like mine, open, honest communication never worked in the relationship, so why would it work now?

I'd also look at how much responsibility you feel and if there's any guilt towards her or the situation, as you heal.  Good luck to you and stay strong!

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello Confused - That must have been painful for you to hear.  I know you still care for her and want to help her but as the others have said she needs to want to help herself.  One would think being convicted for child endangerment not once, but twice, would have been enough of a wake up call.  I'm sure you (and the court) suggested she get help at those times.  I hurt for you and your children and wish you strength to get through this difficult time.

[Reg]

Hi confusedhubbyofbp,

Your situation is very similar to mine after the breakup.  My ex-partner has also lost her sexual identity above this all, saying one moment she is straight, then bi, then, lesbian, and it changes with the direction the wind comes from... .

Her last two relationships have been with two known BPD women, having exactly the same problem.  And who are both alcoholic.  My ex partner has been drinking more and more in moments, although she is in denial about that as well.  She's recycling both of her two ex partners, as she can't recycle me anymore due to the no contact limits.  She lives with her husband again from whom she never divorced, and they are all one big happy family, go figure !

None of them have any limits when they start drinking, drive drunk, and take zero responsability towards the daughter they have.  If they have an accident, they will ruin themselves and their daughter, but they don't care. She's borderline, he's probably narcistic.

So what can you do about this ?  I'm sorry to have to say this, nothing.  They are already in denial on their borderline, and they are also in denial on their alcoholism.

It is otherwise already very difficult to convince someone with an alcohol problem that they have it.  In fact they have to convince themselves about this.  In this case, they have to convince themselves they have of two things, the BPD and the alcohol.  And the BPD projects all problems on to others.  They are not the one who drinks... .  They say they have limits, while they have close to none... .  It is named borderline, but if you see their behavior, it looks more as borderless... .

I know this must be a hard decision, but I'm also convinced that it is best for you and the children especially, and that deep inside you know it, the way you are doing things now, is the right path.

We all hope somewhere that our ex-partners will change, but we all know chances are small, that it ever will happen... .  Don't feel guilty about it, it doesn't help and you are not the problem, the BPD is... .

Take care of yourself, and the children !

Reg

[willbegood]

So what can you do about this ?  I'm sorry to have to say this, nothing.  They are already in denial on their borderline, and they are also in denial on their alcoholism.

It is otherwise already very difficult to convince someone with an alcohol problem that they have it.  In fact they have to convince themselves about this.  In this case, they have to convince themselves they have of two things, the BPD and the alcohol.  And the BPD projects all problems on to others.  They are not the one who drinks... .  They say they have limits, while they have close to none... .  It is named borderline, but if you see their behavior, it looks more as borderless... .

Good to hear this. The BPD + alcoholism was on of the biggest factors for me finally deciding to walk away.

[momtara]

Maybe someone else can intervene somehow? 

[confusedhubby]

fromheeltoheal

Thank you for your inputs. It is greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry that is happening confused.  You've probably heard it before, but there is nothing you can do to 'make' someone quit drinking, she needs to hit bottom, as it's called, which is a place where life has gotten so painful, and alcohol as the cause is so obvious, that drunks have a 'moment of clarity' and will seek help.  For some the pain isn't great enough, something they can still outdrink, and those folks will drink themselves to death.

ook at how much responsibility you feel and if there's any guilt towards her or the situation, as you heal.  Good luck to you and stay strong!

My biggest problem with her hitting rock bottom is that she comes from wealth and has a trust fund to support her. What this trust has become is the ultimate enabler. Basically she never has to worry about being homeless, or not having enough money to eat or money for drugs or booze. It gives her anything she needs.

What's even worse about this trust fund is that the new person she is with is just using her for her money. He ,moved in with her after only 3 weeks of dating. Now she is talking about buying him a Rolex, motorbike, expensive gifts etc. He also is a heavy drinker and comes across as a nasty manipulator himself. Other men in her life have left her after a short while. So now she is trying to buy the love of the person she idolizes. What's even worse is that they are considering her to either try prostitution / escort service or make adult films. Kind of sad when you consider she has a Harvard MBA and an accomplished professional career on Wall Street. Oh and not to mention a loving family with a husband of 14 years and two daughters (ages 7 and 8).

Not to make lite of other peoples problems but sometimes when I read of what other BPD's did to there partners I kind of feel as though I got the Mother of All BPD's. Here is a woman who is 41, born with a silver spoon in her mouth with all of the opportunities one could hope for and she has lost it all because of her disorder and addiction. She went from a career on Wall Street to hanging with prostitutes and druggies. The destruction she has brought upon us is just unimaginable!

[confusedhubby]

@Emilie.

Thanks Emelie. It's always good to hear your inputs.

Hello Confused - One would think being convicted for child endangerment not once, but twice, would have been enough of a wake up call.  I'm sure you (and the court) suggested she get help at those times.  I hurt for you and your children and wish you strength to get through this difficult time.

After my wifes first conviction she made an attempt to clean up her act. She went to rehab in California and the progressive was impressive.l However within 12 moth she was back to drinking secretly and attempted to commit suicide in the same room as the children -- hence the second charge of child endangerment. Afterwards nothing seemed to matter. In her view she was going to be "free to find herself so she could be there for the children one day in the future" -- which is just a self rationalization. After she was convicted / sentenced all bets were off. She began to drink VERY excessively, serial date, hang with very bad crowd (criminal types), engage in risky behavior, heavy BDSM, , etc etc etc.

I sometimes feel like she has a death wish. It's as if she wants to get caught at what she is doing and self destruct. I wonder if other members of this group have ever experienced something like this?

[confusedhubby]

Reg

We all hope somewhere that our ex-partners will change, but we all know chances are small, that it ever will happen... .  Don't feel guilty about it, it doesn't help and you are not the problem, the BPD is... .

I could not have said it better myself. Yes, I so badly want her to get better but its highly unlikely that she ever will.

And like your ex, mine too transformed her sexual identity after she left. She became very reckless and impulsive to the point where it became dangerous.

[confusedhubby]

momtara

Unfo

Maybe someone else can intervene somehow? 

Unfortunately all of her friends are junkies or users. People who are very low life and would not place the importance that we would on her sobriety.

Also both of her parents are heavy alcoholics and don't really seem to care. I have tried speaking with them but we don't get along and they are not responsive to my concerns. Basically they think it's her life and she should be able to do as she wishes.

[crystal]

NC.

Focus on your kids.  They need a stable, reliable parent who practices good boundaries.  They are genetically and environmentally at risk for alcoholism. Best thing you can do is model healthy living, healthy communication, healthy boundaries and healthy love.

Best to you

Crystal

(and yes, my exBPDH is a raging alcoholic as well--it is SO hard to see!)

[allibaba]

Oddly my heart breaks for this woman.

I read an article in rolling stone recently.  www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/the-poorest-rich-kids-in-the-world-20130812

These poor kids were so so so badly abused and drugs and alcohol played a huge role in it.

I'm so glad that you are there for your kids... .At least they have you and at least you aren't fighting her for custody.  Bless you.

My dad is an alcoholic. He was the sweetest, kindest, most loving man.  He had good morals and values and generally made good decisions until his alcoholism took over.  He effectively protected me from my BPD mom as the alcoholism didn't really kick in until I had moved out.  The pain of watching such a good person try to kill himself with alcohol was horrible.  I can't imagine being a child with a BPD parent with alcoholism. 

Bless you again.