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Author Topic: Detachment: need advice - don't want to play potential/future dialogs in my head  (Read 439 times)
happylogist
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« on: September 25, 2013, 09:49:04 AM »

I am in a weird cycle these days.  My mood fluctuates throughout the day and normally when I am surrounded with people - I feel good, but as soon as I am alone - I start thinking about "what ifs", which are mostly about him writing me or me meeting him by a chance somewhere...   Those are not about us getting back together, are about those probable dialogs or absence of them... .  The problem is that all this thinking and scenario-writing exhausts me emotionally, and then I realize that nothing would ever happen and feel sadder than I was.  Feeling that I didn't tell enough and I will never have a chance to explain myself without being misunderstood and blamed. It is a victim cycle and I want to get over it!

I understand many reasons behind this, but I am not doing myself any good and torture myself by replaying past and unlikely future.

Does anyone else suffer with this as well? I see many people post questions about their ex-partners contacting them again one day, which I suppose is another way to think about another encounter with the ex in the future... .How to stop this? I feel I am self-harming... .
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2013, 05:27:16 AM »

happylogist, I always felt my moods fluctuate wildly up and down while I was with my exBPDgf, and to my surprise they still fluctuated wildly after I broke up with her. I think that I am somewhat stuck in this pattern of thoughts and feelings right now going back and forth between being happy and feeling blessed to feeling sad and depressed.

I do spend a little time thinking what would I do if I ran into her. Would I say what I want to, would I tell her we have nothing to talk about, or would I just run away? It bothers me some but doesn't take up as much of my thoughts as before.

I do have the same problems as you when I'm not busy or around people. When I'm alone with only my thoughts it's difficult. I have a big problem trying to sleep at night, trying not to think. I'm on the boards here instead of ruminating otherwise I'd probably feel worse. I can't sleep until I am totally exhausted. Even though I'm sad and tired it's not tired enough to force me into sleep.

I try to fill the alone time with being online here, visiting friends, trying to get back into my hobbies and interests. I want to travel on vacation, my exBPDgf wanted to visit places with me, but now I can go where I want and do whatever I please so I'd like to soon.

I'm sorry that I don't have any great advice. Maybe make as list of things you hated about your BPDex and memorize it. Then recall these whenever you start to think too much about possible scenarios running into him? Do you have hobbies that you really enjoy? Or even interests that you never explored in depth before but have time to now? Best wishes to you.
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human101

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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2013, 05:57:56 AM »

Hello happyologist

Thankyou for your honesty, and for talking about where you are in the process.  If its any comfort, I am feeling the same way, imagining  conversations that might have been in which I handle things differently, or imagining future conversations if she calls me.   I just talked to her in my head all the way home from work! Then I read your post. 

I am thinking that this might be partly caused by the lack of resolution in my break up, unlike other relationships that have ended in my life, over time, and with real conversations (however painful), my breakup with BPDEX was sudden, traumatic and final, all over in a few minutes of screaming and sobbing.  So in my mind, there's an unfinished conversation, as an adult I need resolution and closure with the person I loved.  However, with my BPDEX there can be no conversation or resolution, I will have to do that process myself.  She has an illness that prevents this happening.  That's a fact.   I had a partner years ago who died suddenly and it was the same feeling I had, lots of imaginary conversations.

Have you tried writing a letter that says what was left unsaid, and goodbye, (but not sending it) or some other process ? 

You have a lot to look forward to, as do I, as we all do who are free of the BPDSO, and as life fills up with new experiences and memories,what we are experiencing now will fade away naturally. I am sure of it!
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2013, 11:20:20 AM »

happylogist,

I'm sorry that you are hurting.  This part of the recovery process can be so disturbing!  I remember the hours that I could sit and watch my mind turning and ruminating endlessly, it would have been amazing if it weren't so uncomfortable.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this phase will pass.  Be gentle with yourself.  If you can distract yourself with something meaningful or interesting, all the better, but I know sometimes that feels impossible.   

Have you tried writing a letter that says what was left unsaid, and goodbye, (but not sending it) or some other process ? 

Great idea  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  I did this, and it helped a lot.  If you're not ready, that's ok.  The option is always there. 


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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
happylogist
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« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2013, 04:42:14 AM »

I followed your advice yesterday and wrote an unsent letter to him, also in the evening saw another post here with an unsent letter.  Either subconscious or by chance I deleted it immediately after writing... .  Was afraid that someone can find it. 

Writing a letter helped me, because as also  learning_curve74 mentioned I struggle with erratic sleep, I wake up hundred times, think, try not to think, think and etc. I slept well, dreamed even something funny - I was watching someone singing a very nice happy song. 

I notice also for a long time I was not talking with myself in my head, but rather with him. The weird difference between this and all other breakups in my life  - that it was somehow easier to move on and look into the future without him. I felt bad, cried and had all breakup staff, like ruminating, missing and etc, but not looking into the future and daydreaming about meeting him one day or receiving an email from him. Part of me knows that  NC will be the best answer and so there is nothing to think/dream about. Because any encounter with him will be again torture -1) if I leave at the stage of idealization and him being the nicest and most understanding person to me - I will miss him terribly and will never forgive for not taking a chance with him,  2) if I stay - the whole cycle will be repeated as it was the last year, him saying that he loves me, but can't be with me, him telling me about meeting others and turning to me when he feels depressed and low.

I am trying not to distract myself, but rather find pleasure and meaning in the presence - by doing my work, getting back to my hobbies and interests, reading more and exercising... .and it works I think.  Staying concentrated is the most difficult thing by far for me now.

Writing a letter helped me a lot, since I was not distracting myself but rather dedicating myself to those thoughts - to this non-existent dialog.

Thank you very much for your advice and support!
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human101

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« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2013, 08:53:48 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) thank you for the post, and for sharing how you went writing the letter.  I'm so glad it gave you some peace of mind.  Something you said really stood out for me, that any encounter with him will be torture, whether its idealisation or rejection.  You don't deserve that, no one does.  NC is what we need to heal and have a happy life. Stay strong, you are inspiring to me.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2013, 03:38:53 PM »

Something you said really stood out for me, that any encounter with him will be torture, whether its idealisation or rejection.  You don't deserve that, no one does.  NC is what we need to heal and have a happy life. Stay strong, you are inspiring to me.

It's so hard to have NC. He keeps sending me emails ending in a x so I am searching my inbox several times an hour. I'm feeding off them. I guess that's the idea huh?
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human101

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« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2013, 05:50:28 PM »

Hello.  Yes, these emails are intended to keep you connected and controlled and in chaos.  Are you willing to block his email address or auto forward to trash?  NC is hard but it gets easier with time.  I'm wondering what's motivating you to stay in contact when it hurts you so much.  Some peace might give you time to heal.   You deserve this. 
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winston72
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« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2013, 12:43:46 PM »

Thank you all for this thread.  I find it deeply moving.  The succinct descriptions of the internal conversations with exes, the ruminating, the disrupted states physically and emotionally... .reading them, feeling them resonate within me, is so helpful.  Thank you so much for your candor and care in sharing your stories.

A key aspect of my life right now is the conscious choice to continually connect with my feelings, to decipher my desires and to accept and affirm all of this.  The path forward for me is also the best defense against falling into the emotional abyss... .it is being connected to myself.  Hmm... .I wish I had better words to describe this.  But, I was inspired by the accounts on this thread because they helped me identify and connect with my own similar feelings.  In doing so, I am encouraged and strengthened by knowing that this is the essential task to developing emotional and psychological health... .a healthier, more vibrant and resilient me.
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happylogist
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« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2013, 04:12:37 PM »

Hi  winston72,

Thank you too for replying and summarizing the way you feel now.  This is exactly where I am right now - trying to connect with myself, rather with him, making a conscious choice of being here and now ... .I have been reading the tread about healing and it helps a lot. One thing I notice that almost noone emphasizes the fact that they have found someone or are still in love with their BPD-exes, the focus in many posts is on their own feelings of enjoying small moments in life, being in peace with themselves and being surrounded with people who are reciprocally close.

Let us know how you are doing. Writing and reaching out sometimes when you are stuck - really-really helps!

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toomanytears
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« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2013, 04:40:10 PM »

I'm wondering what's motivating you to stay in contact when it hurts you so much.  Some peace might give you time to heal.   You deserve this. 

It's obvious. Sigh. I can't bear to give him up.
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houseofswans
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« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2013, 10:24:11 AM »

I do spend a little time thinking what would I do if I ran into her. Would I say what I want to, would I tell her we have nothing to talk about, or would I just run away? It bothers me some but doesn't take up as much of my thoughts as before.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I would feel if I ran into my ex - and the relatively short distance makes that more than likely. I would try and be strong for my own sanity and dignity, but afterwards I just know that I'd break down. It would be like the past four weeks of NC would have to start all over again. And don't get me started about how I would feel if I either saw them together holding hands, or even seeing her on her own and noticing a ring on her finger. It frightens me just to even think about such a scenario :'(
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