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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Estranged uBPD ex says exit affair partner is a part of the kids family.  (Read 590 times)
Mutt
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« on: September 27, 2013, 10:51:01 PM »

I find this to be a hard pill to swallow tonight and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone. I've been separated for 7 months. Estranged wife introduced her exit affair partner two weeks after separation.

D7 said to me tonight that they are going on a family trip in a couple of weeks. I said what do you mean family? She said mom said her boyfriend is a part of the family now.

I don't know if I over-reacted, but I sent her an e-mail asking her how she thinks this benefits the kids so soon. I don't expect a response.

Has this happened to someone else? Did you say something to the kids?

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« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2013, 02:21:59 PM »

OH YES! My ex of 4 months introduced his girlfriend to our daughter via skype when he was here looking after them while i was at work 4 weeks after he left, 3 weeks later he brought her down when he came to see the children. She talks to our daughter via skype. Its just the last 3 weeks his stopped telling me he loves me and he wants a divorce.He used to skype and tell the children to tell me he loves me confused them to no end.

Just tell your kids what is age appropriate and learn to walk away from them when you dont have the answer dont just say something because they asked its ok not to know the answer. Take a deep breath and calm yourself dont take it personal you have no control accept that just concentrate on your children. They come first what ever the ex does is their choice you have no control no matter how many emails you send and beg for changes. Just be their father be yourself, love your children with every fiber of your being, enjoy every moment of their lives and live just live. Dont try to work out the ex you fighting a losing battle just be there for your children and continue to set those boundaries and keep them!

My little tip short emails just the stuff that is necessary nothing more nothing less. Short and to the point. Children first remember that. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2013, 03:27:53 PM »

OH YES! My ex of 4 months introduced his girlfriend to our daughter via skype when he was here looking after them while i was at work 4 weeks after he left, 3 weeks later he brought her down when he came to see the children. She talks to our daughter via skype. Its just the last 3 weeks his stopped telling me he loves me and he wants a divorce.He used to skype and tell the children to tell me he loves me confused them to no end.

Just tell your kids what is age appropriate and learn to walk away from them when you dont have the answer dont just say something because they asked its ok not to know the answer. Take a deep breath and calm yourself dont take it personal you have no control accept that just concentrate on your children. They come first what ever the ex does is their choice you have no control no matter how many emails you send and beg for changes. Just be their father be yourself, love your children with every fiber of your being, enjoy every moment of their lives and live just live. Dont try to work out the ex you fighting a losing battle just be there for your children and continue to set those boundaries and keep them!

My little tip short emails just the stuff that is necessary nothing more nothing less. Short and to the point. Children first remember that. 

Thanks awomanlearning! I was shocked when it came out of my daughters mouth. I didn't know what to say and left it. I came here later on to vent and get advise. The kids are innocent and it's not their fault. After I sent her the e-mails I thought to myself, it doesn't matter what I say because I can't control it. She may of told it that way to the kids to get a reaction out of me, maybe things are not going well and she has to say this to herself.

What blows my mind is him and her. Him to have been lurking in the background of my family for a year before I knew about it and for him to have no problems with hiding, then coming out and taking his place with my wife and the kids. I have no respect for him at all in that regard because I see it as two people with no morales.

I also remembered something that I had read somewhere. You can't let these people wrung you out all of time. You have to laugh some of it off and not take all of the behaviors so seriously.

I agree with you whole heartedly, kids first and nothing else. I'm still learning with how to cope with her irrational behaviors after the marriage is done.

I couldn't believe an exit affair partner after 7 months is long enough to be considered a part of the family. She may have switched out the people in her life but her abuse is still there.

Also, thanks for the suggestion about taking a deep breath and staying calm. The shock of some things can get the best of you.

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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2013, 10:46:06 AM »

I have been there! Different time frame etc.

It sucks but truth is if she cheated (like mine did) and broke those sacred marriage (relationship) boundaries, there is no way you can now enforce a little things like when and how she introduces the kids to 'him' .

I have a nesting arrangement (temporary) with mine so she spents time at the house with the kids and I spent time at the house (my house). Its complicated but its for the kids for right now and they stay in the same school etc. Long story short she said she is doing what ever she 'wants' when its her time there. I said NO WAY will she, or I, be bringing a romantic partner to the home while the kids are there. We can date whatever but since I m willing to do this arrengament, then my rule is that it wont happen.

Three days later she sent me a text saying the bf will be there for dinner. Then she ended the text by saying, 'is this okay with you?' I told her I would not voice my opinion because it would be futile. Point is no matter what I would threaten, and I told her a few reprecussion if she defies me, she didnt care. Once they are 'free' they will do whatever they damn well please. Heck they do it BEFORE they are free, after they are free they think its then okay as well

I know it sucks but its reality. Best thing you can do is let your kids know that they come first and be there for them and in no time at all the kids will see it for what it is. A messed up dynamic and they will know who caused it. Only thing we can do is to be a good parent the time we have them. Any other time its out of our control.

Hnag in there. The freedom and peace only gets better Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2013, 12:29:25 PM »

It sucks but truth is if she cheated (like mine did) and broke those sacred marriage (relationship) boundaries, there is no way you can now enforce a little things like when and how she introduces the kids to 'him' .

She broke a sacred trust and it's irrepearable what she did.

Exit affair POSOM is a hard pill to swallow, but there is nothing I can do. It's her life.

Once they are 'free' they will do whatever they damn well please. Heck they do it BEFORE they are free, after they are free they think its then okay as well



She did whatever she wanted before she left and poorly lied and hid her activities. It's a free for all after she is gone. Out of my control. Her life.

I know it sucks but its reality. Best thing you can do is let your kids know that they come first and be there for them and in no time at all the kids will see it for what it is. A messed up dynamic and they will know who caused it. Only thing we can do is to be a good parent the time we have them. Any other time its out of our control.

Hnag in there. The freedom and peace only gets better Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thank you so much for the empathy and response slimmiller. It really helps to know that it does get better. It's tough out of the gate, but I'm in a better position than her anyway because I can change things and really move forward. Break the cycle, instead of going through the same motions again with someone else. She can control all that she wants, but thank heavens I do not have to live with her anymore. I'm happier than I have been in years and feel physically/emotionally much better due to time and controlled contact.
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WhenWiLLitEnd

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« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2013, 12:13:08 PM »

I find this to be a hard pill to swallow tonight and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone. I've been separated for 7 months. Estranged wife introduced her exit affair partner two weeks after separation.

D7 said to me tonight that they are going on a family trip in a couple of weeks. I said what do you mean family? She said mom said her boyfriend is a part of the family now.

I don't know if I over-reacted, but I sent her an e-mail asking her how she thinks this benefits the kids so soon. I don't expect a response.

Has this happened to someone else? Did you say something to the kids?

I've had something slightly related.

Due to being denied access to my son for the past year and having to go through mediation - and soon court - I was told by the mediator that my son calls his BPD Mums b/f Dad, obviously encouraged to do so.

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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2013, 01:13:09 PM »

I've had something slightly related.

Due to being denied access to my son for the past year and having to go through mediation - and soon court - I was told by the mediator that my son calls his BPD Mums b/f Dad, obviously encouraged to do so.

She has purposely denied me adequate access to my kids while shortly after she left, replaced me with the affair partner as a "fatherly figure" to the kids.

What I mean is within mere weeks after she left the affair partner has done many family activities with them, fishing, laser tag, movies, weekend trips, camping, taken the kids to a wedding on his side of the family, the list goes on and on. While she said "me and the kids are in a healthy relationship with affair partner." Well I wouldn't bet all of my chips on a honeymoon phase and I don't know how the kids are involved in her relationship with this man.

The kids did make an error when they were calling me by the affair partners name last weekend, it means that they don't call him dad.

Best of luck WhenWiLLitEnd with mediation and courts.

Stay strong brother and keep calm. You will prevail.


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Noise

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« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2013, 07:36:39 AM »

Same here,

My kids are almost 4 and 6 and a month after I moved out, the rebound guy moved in. Well she says he hasnt moved in he is just there all day every day (yesterday they went on a day out with her father and new bf also took the day off to come along).

My daughter started crying couple days back when I was picking her up from school (almost 6) and asked why he is always there and when he will leave. Also because my ex is fairly weak when it comes to parenting and the new guy is now the disciplinary. They are pushed into a situation straight away without any time to mourn the loss of their father moving out etc.


She is not open to any of my comments so I just stopped. She can 't handle any form of feedback that isn't positive or praise.
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« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2013, 11:11:45 AM »

Same here,

My kids are almost 4 and 6 and a month after I moved out, the rebound guy moved in. Well she says he hasnt moved in he is just there all day every day (yesterday they went on a day out with her father and new bf also took the day off to come along).

My daughter started crying couple days back when I was picking her up from school (almost 6) and asked why he is always there and when he will leave. Also because my ex is fairly weak when it comes to parenting and the new guy is now the disciplinary. They are pushed into a situation straight away without any time to mourn the loss of their father moving out etc.


She is not open to any of my comments so I just stopped. She can 't handle any form of feedback that isn't positive or praise.

We're in the same boat noise. We are separated for 10 months and he is there every day sleeping over and there on the weekends. My daughter 7 broke down crying last weekend when the kids were with me. She said I don't like him and I asked why. She said she just doesn't like him and he is there all of the time.

Whatever I say to the ex makes no difference. It's get into a circular argument and I'm blamed for everything. I don't engage. I only talk to my ex by e-mail and only about the kids drop/off times, needs etc... .

I told my daughter to come to me if she has a need to talk about her feelings and dad is always there. If she can't talk to me, then she can talk to my family. On Thanksgiving my wife sent my mother an e-mail. My wife hasn't communicated with anyone in my family since she left. The e-mail was about how demanding and controlling that I am and how I tell the kids that the mother doesn't care, and it's heartbreaking. Distortion campaign with my family now?

The point is for myself. I've accepted the fact that anything that I say, makes zero difference to my wife. I have to be a rock for my kids and the emotional outlet for them. That's all that I can do.
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Noise

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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2013, 12:14:58 PM »

Wise words mutt. I Also focuss on my kids. They keep me going. Also were the reaaon I stayed. I do hope they dont have her genes And learn always to be dependent on a man to survive. I know karma Will be a bhit And she Will always be this closed off broken wonan that wants to be loved. And the New bf Will have the same fate as I And Will be as devastated als I am or was.
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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2013, 01:15:51 PM »

Wise words mutt. I Also focuss on my kids. They keep me going. Also were the reaaon I stayed. I do hope they dont have her genes And learn always to be dependent on a man to survive. I know karma Will be a bhit And she Will always be this closed off broken wonan that wants to be loved. And the New bf Will have the same fate as I And Will be as devastated als I am or was.

Thanks Noise! I hung in there for the kids too...

I kept waiting for the person that I had met at the beginning of the r/s to come back (I can't believe I kept thinking that for several years) and I thought at some point that we would turn a corner.

I didn't want to break up the family, I wanted to be close to my kids to protect them and how does it look for a man to leave a woman with 4 kids and I was the sole provider?

The painted black and discard was brutal. She just said "I'm done. I'm moving on" That's the only explanation that I got. After she left she said "I don't want to talk about the marriage." and completely cut me out.

I'm sensing that it hasn't been long since she left you Noise. Correct me if I'm wrong. The discard, new bf and the new bf with the kids hurts like hell. Try not to focus on her and the replacement.

I'm thankful my replacement took a huge problem off of my hands. He stuck his hand in the fire when he was having a relationship with my ex and I was at home with the kids. My wife and the replacement don't have values or morales and I'm the opposite.

Work on you. Take what belongs to you from the rubble of a failed relationship like that. Learn from it and move on. Top marks for focusing on your kids. Keep at it brother, it gets better.
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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2013, 01:50:38 PM »

Thanks mutt. We ended it in januari And I moved out in may. She was seeing this Guy since december. Behind my back to see if he would stick around. I hope I can get my house ready before december. Then my basis Will be giving me more peace of mind ☺️
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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2013, 03:04:58 PM »

I really feel for you guys :'(.  I went through much of the same but believe me, while it hurts seeing our children in such pain due to their mom making decisions with her vagina (instead of her head)  the children WILL see your hard work and dedication. Mine are already seeing it and she broke tha marriage up a little over two years ago. My youngest is 7 and she sees it.

If you havent yet, you may want to read ':)ivorce Poison'  Very helpful and it also helps keeping us on an even keel and thats what the children will remember. Like my 11 year old son said recently, 'we dont make mom look bad, she does it herself'. It gives us the opportunity to be the rock their mother is not 

When we take care of ourselves we are only then able to take care of the kids and they are gratefull.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2013, 03:08:33 PM »

Thing is that my ex is what they call the silent type. It took me a long time to get that through. Do shut down nothing cam come through. I want my kids to stay extravert And talk About their emotions. Are any of your kids in therapy?
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Mutt
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« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2013, 03:52:51 PM »

I went through much of the same but believe me, while it hurts seeing our children in such pain due to their mom making decisions with her vagina (instead of her head)  the children WILL see your hard work and dedication.

Speaking of my ex uBPD, the sex will become very infrequent for my replacement and she'll blame him for her detachment.

If you havent yet, you may want to read ':)ivorce Poison'  Very helpful and it also helps keeping us on an even keel and thats what the children will remember.

Thanks slimmiller! I'm making a note of this book on my phone and I'm going to order this off of Amazon.

When we take care of ourselves we are only then able to take care of the kids and they are gratefull.

To quote Sigmund Freud: "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection"


Are any of your kids in therapy?

I'm still in litigation and the ex does whatever she wants without consulting me.

She has put them in therapy and awhile back I had told her that she's the one that should go to therapy and not the kids to help them. I tried to explain to her that her actions, then putting the kids into therapy for her actions, doesn't give her a carte blanche to put the kids through whatever nonsense.

I said this before I truly went controlled contact. It's how I feel, but the reality of it is, she doesn't care. I have to deal with the fallout.


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« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2013, 10:28:17 PM »

  My daughter has been in therapy for about a year now, so that's where we talk about him.  She says her dad "hates her" because he simply replaced one family with another.  Teenage daughter and all.  Because of his verbal abuse in front of a therapist and a social worker, he is only allowed to see her one hour a week supervised.  He won't look at her the whole time, barely talks to her, and his entire demeanor is about getting back to be with the GF. 

Because my daughter is older, she knows that he's seeing someone, and has looked her up on facebook.  However, because she is so insecure because his throwing his daughter away for a GF is the pattern... .he is not permitted to discuss the GF with my daughter, and he is not to text or call her during the visit.  Believe me, he's done that in the past. 

   Therapy is the best, because it's hard to counsel a kid when you're in the middle of it yourself.  I tried to be objective and what happened is I got to be the bad guy on both sides, the true triangulation.  It's best for the child to go to therapy and be able to talk and learn coping from someone objective.
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« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2013, 10:30:50 PM »

Oh and I was pretty much the single parent most of her life, and believe me the children see.  She is not perfect, but she says "even when we argue I know you love me but him I'm never sure" Just do what you have to do as the adult.  They'll know
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Mutt
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« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2013, 09:08:59 PM »

Oh and I was pretty much the single parent most of her life, and believe me the children see.  She is not perfect, but she says "even when we argue I know you love me but him I'm never sure" Just do what you have to do as the adult.  They'll know

Thanks LynnieRe. I have finished therapy but I've decided to continue counselling to deal with this. Therapy for myself was to work through the separation/divorce/failed marriage and to work on some of my core issues. I think it's imperative that I continue to be able to cope with co-parenting/parallel parenting.
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« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2013, 07:52:24 AM »

That is a wise move, Mutt.  Because co parenting is our number one priority right now.   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2017, 09:32:08 AM »


Thanks Noise! I hung in there for the kids too...

I kept waiting for the person that I had met at the beginning of the r/s to come back (I can't believe I kept thinking that for several years) and I thought at some point that we would turn a corner.

I didn't want to break up the family, I wanted to be close to my kids to protect them and how does it look for a man to leave a woman with 4 kids and I was the sole provider?

The painted black and discard was brutal. She just said "I'm done. I'm moving on" That's the only explanation that I got. After she left she said "I don't want to talk about the marriage." and completely cut me out.

I'm sensing that it hasn't been long since she left you Noise. Correct me if I'm wrong. The discard, new bf and the new bf with the kids hurts like hell. Try not to focus on her and the replacement.

I'm thankful my replacement took a huge problem off of my hands. He stuck his hand in the fire when he was having a relationship with my ex and I was at home with the kids. My wife and the replacement don't have values or morales and I'm the opposite.

Work on you. Take what belongs to you from the rubble of a failed relationship like that. Learn from it and move on. Top marks for focusing on your kids. Keep at it brother, it gets better.

I feel exactly how you feel for the person In beginning to return, never happened. Just like you ,I have 4children. . We fAbricated lies and accused me of false domestic violence , got me arrested and ran straight to exit affair Calling new guy, their daddy. These women are ruthless predators. Law system sucks and Intentionally designed to be abused
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« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2017, 12:26:55 PM »

Yes. I had the same situation.
ExBPDw had already 2 marriages. From the first marriage which lasted 5 years during which she constantly cheated on her husband ( actually she cheated on him 2 days before marriage) , she has son of 19 now. She left him in her country with father. Actually, after divorcing her first husband , she had a BF who never married finally.
From our marriage we have a daughter of 11.  Now exBPDw has a BF and we are divorcing with a conflict.
So! Her son from first marriage saw:
1.   His Father
2.   BF after father.
3.   Me.
4.   Another BF
Who know how many were after her first marriage and how many would be more? Nobody! Mathematical expectations in new BF is very high. Our marriage was almost 10 years and looks now she started cheating after 5.
This is my first part. Will be continued.
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