FORGIVENESS--What does it mean for you?

[goldylamont]

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot and wanted to start a new thread to see what forgiveness meant for others. Hoping to learn and share and get some insight. Would love to hear from different perspectives (religions, gender, just broke-up/long time ex).

to start it off here is my previous post that got me thinking about this:

... .it's good and honorable to strive for forgiveness. trust me that's my main goal now, full forgiveness. it's just that i don't work towards it, it's something i feel will occur naturally for me over time as i fully heal. my path is nothing less than complete detachment, moving on, finding someone more beautiful and total indifference to my ex. << this is forgiveness to me--my behavior and true emotions. and i'm so much closer than i was a year ago!  Doing the right thing

so for me that's why i a bit wary when i hear so much talk of forgiveness, simply b/c i think that my definition of forgiveness is different from the status quo. and i have to accept this, i sometimes look at things different.

but perhaps that is a good question for everyone--what does forgiveness look like for you? and have you truly forgiven your BPDex by this standard?

interested to know what others feel!

[Reg]

Forgiveness.

Well, I've forgiven my former partner already several months ago.  Actually when I discovered what BPD really was, and that it had nothing to do with her (or me), but with the pd, and that she can do nothing about it that she has it.  Some kind of closure.  I have no longer any anger or hate against her for her behavior towards me.

I know I stayed too long in the relationship myself due to my own issues.  So I have to take a part of the responsibility.

There is only one thing that I will not really forgive her.  It has to do with the fact that she knows about the BPD, keeps in denial, and even in denial that she is destroying and seriously damaging the emotional life of her now 12 year old daughter as well.  But again no anger or hate about that. Just the fact that she is a bad mother due to the BPD.  An ascertainment, that's it.

   

Total indifference against the ex as was mentioned ?  I do not believe in that.  We have been in love and have loved.  That will always leave a trace in us.  Even if it's a scar, it can never leave anyone completely indifferent.  I will always have some love for my ex for the good moments, I just won't give her any access in my life again, and I do not have the need for that again.  That is the past, and where she is from now on.  Good memories, bad memories.  But also personal growth for me.

[Learning_curve74]

I haven't thought seriously about what forgiveness is before you asked, goldylamont. Good question... .

I guess that for me, forgiveness is letting go of the feelings of anger and/or resentment I have towards a person who I felt betrayed, wronged, and/or hurt me. I have been hurt very badly before but have forgiven yet not forgotten. There's a difference between simply remembering the past and being resentful about it.

I'm not at the point where I can forgive my BPDex. I don't know if I will always resent that she knew about her BPD but refused to work on managing it, knowing it would hurt both me and her in the end. I'm not sure that I want to forgive her to be honest. I don't want to carry around hate against her, but I do resent that she refuses to try and work on her BPD. Maybe I just am not ready to entertain the possibility.

[Undone123]

I sort of think of it all as, two hurt people who were in a relationship that should never have been... .

I accepted the abuse, she abused because she was hurting. I accepted the abuse because I was hurting. I didn't love myself enough to leave.

[Ironmanrises]

Forgiveness to me... .

Is something i can do... .

To someone... .

Who has a lasting acknowledgement... .

Of the consequences... .

Of their behavior.

Not momentary acknowledgement.

No.

I cannot forgive my exUBPDgf.

I let her back into my life... .

The second time... .

Knowing... .

About her disorder... .

And knowing... .

She was going to leave me again.

And she was aware of that... .

She was aware of the trust i extended in doing that... .

She was aware of her disorder.

And the outcome at the end... .

Was the same... .

Irrespective... .

Of that knowledge.

She knows what she did.

[thisyoungdad]

Great topic. I have actually given this a lot of thought. For me forgiveness is more about myself than about her. Much like that saying that your anger only hurts you, being able to forgive her helps me so much in the healing process.

To me it is both a choice and a gift I get as time passes

It is a gift I give to my daughter

It allows me to heal

Forgiving myself first shows me I can't forgive her unless I forgive myself, and then I have less to forgive her for

That even if she did/does things maliciously I gain nothing by not forgiving

Forgiveness is different than acceptance of the behavior or treatment

Tuesday night I go to a fabulous Alanon meeting and it has helped a ton in my situation with my ex. Someone shared this simple line and they said "Hurting people hurt people" and that pretty much sums it up. Forgiveness is as much a choice some days as it is something that happens as time passes for me.

[turtle]

Forgiveness toward him meant:

I no longer wanted revenge.

I no longer craved justice.

I no longer wanted ANYTHING --- from him.

It didn't mean I had forgotten. I remember it. All of it... .and it is that memory that protects me from future harm.

It just meant that I released him -- from my heart, from my mind, and from my spirit.  He no longer had me bound - literally and figuratively.


My forgiveness toward myself meant:

I acknowledged that I put myself in harms way and that I should have loved myself enough not to do that.  Some of that was ignorance, yet severe damage was done. I forgave myself for getting in WAY over my head.  I had no idea what I was dealing with.  Now that I know better, it is my responsibility to DO better and I work on that every day.

It also meant that as I dealt with the grave consequences of that choice, I extended grace ... .to ME.

Forgiving myself was much harder than forgiving him.  I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I had failed myself... .miserably.

turtle

[goldylamont]

thank you guys all for the responses! i really love reading them. i was gone this weekend so took a while to reply. this is something i've been thinking about though, and it is the type of forgiveness that is required when dealing with someone with BPD--and this is one-sided forgiveness.

and i think that is the most challenging aspect of this type of forgiveness and possibly one of the biggest lessons, is that for our own mental health, we want to forgive, but this only has to do with us. truth be told this person hated or still hates us until they can try and forget we existed or hate about 20 other people after us so that we just kind of blend into their hateful past, hah. and so the challenge here is not just forgiving what this person did, but knowing that they did it on purpose and would never, ever recognize or apologize, and most of them keep doing this to new people over and over again.

so, this is a lot to take on. a lot to forgive. and not only do we not get any help from them in this regard... .any type of closure from them usually is only meant to use or hurt us more.

but still, even against all these odds, we do have to learn to let go over time. and i agree with the other posters that forgiveness to me also means letting go completely of thoughts of revenge, of wanting an apology, etc. sadly i think forgiveness to me means devaluing my ex until i see her only with contempt, sprinkled with fond or slightly painful memories here or there. it's tough, but i think i'm getting closer.