Circling and realising more and more

[Depression = 72% of members]

My gosh. What a mind work out discovering BPD is... My mind and emotions have been going in circles. I'll be okay then crash and feel sad, guilty for not being able to help... .miss him, anger, joy over pleasant memories.

Right now though I'm okay and I'm just wanting to write a post about harbouring no ill thought towards 'him'.

Discovering he's on online dating the other day was so hard to take. It made me sick, I was so confronted. Felt his claims of needing to find himself by himself were words of a fraud to get me to go away so he could move on to someone else. But having spent another night with a headcold unable to sleep... .I did some overthinking and discovered even more clues. His online profile is boysetsfire... .this is a name of a punk band and strangely the last time we saw each other he asked me something about them, like had I heard of them. Anyway, as he's a fireman I didn't look in to it further just thought of the play in words. But last night during those awake hours in the dark, I looked up the band and their songs n lyrics. Wow, sad... .dark... .even just the song titles. Also, the artwork... .some of it lead me back to his tattoos. He has stars like those on the old album covers on him. It's all leading back to a sad headspace. He's not just callously finding someone to replace me... .he is hurting deep down on the inside, searching, avoiding, chasing peace and love and happiness. Not meaning to leave a path of destruction, not meaning to hurt and break hearts. He's trying desperately to help himself the only way he can... .by reaching out. Clues there for the taking.

I just want to give him a hug. I had this thought last night about an amazing guy my mum knows who sells organic produce and leads a clean life who's son passed unexpectedly at school recently... .and I thought, what is the lesson in that? What is the good to come of that? And I realised that none of us have an indefinite time with each other... .there is no set in stone length of time that we get to have with others. We are just lucky for the time we do get to spend and have a lot of accepting of the things we can not alter or change.

I hope you are all doing okay today. I have wanted so much to reach out to my guy but I've deleted all contact which is a good thing. I could guess at his email... .I've wanted to apologise for the last things I said - not so nice slights over discovering his online profile, written with a venomous bite... .as I don't like having stooped and been a nasty person, no matter how it made me feel at the time, discovering him on there. I'm genuinely sorry for it, even though I was so hurt I shook and tears fell as I sat in disbelief looking at his picture smiling back at me. But I'm maintaining no contact and posting here instead. I'll give my love and wishes to all of you who are struggling through the cycles of this experience. Hang in there 

[Accepting]

My gosh. What a mind work out discovering BPD is... My mind and emotions have been going in circles. I'll be okay then crash and feel sad, guilty for not being able to help... .miss him, anger, joy over pleasant memories.

Right now though I'm okay and I'm just wanting to write a post about harbouring no ill thought towards 'him'.

Discovering he's on online dating the other day was so hard to take. It made me sick, I was so confronted. Felt his claims of needing to find himself by himself were words of a fraud to get me to go away so he could move on to someone else. But having spent another night with a headcold unable to sleep... .I did some overthinking and discovered even more clues. His online profile is boysetsfire... .this is a name of a punk band and strangely the last time we saw each other he asked me something about them, like had I heard of them. Anyway, as he's a fireman I didn't look in to it further just thought of the play in words. But last night during those awake hours in the dark, I looked up the band and their songs n lyrics. Wow, sad... .dark... .even just the song titles. Also, the artwork... .some of it lead me back to his tattoos. He has stars like those on the old album covers on him. It's all leading back to a sad headspace. He's not just callously finding someone to replace me... .he is hurting deep down on the inside, searching, avoiding, chasing peace and love and happiness. Not meaning to leave a path of destruction, not meaning to hurt and break hearts. He's trying desperately to help himself the only way he can... .by reaching out. Clues there for the taking.

I just want to give him a hug. I had this thought last night about an amazing guy my mum knows who sells organic produce and leads a clean life who's son passed unexpectedly at school recently... .and I thought, what is the lesson in that? What is the good to come of that? And I realised that none of us have an indefinite time with each other... .there is no set in stone length of time that we get to have with others. We are just lucky for the time we do get to spend and have a lot of accepting of the things we can not alter or change.

I hope you are all doing okay today. I have wanted so much to reach out to my guy but I've deleted all contact which is a good thing. I could guess at his email... .I've wanted to apologise for the last things I said - not so nice slights over discovering his online profile, written with a venomous bite... .as I don't like having stooped and been a nasty person, no matter how it made me feel at the time, discovering him on there. I'm genuinely sorry for it, even though I was so hurt I shook and tears fell as I sat in disbelief looking at his picture smiling back at me. But I'm maintaining no contact and posting here instead. I'll give my love and wishes to all of you who are struggling through the cycles of this experience. Hang in there 

[hopealways]

Accepting, your pain is normal, and healthy. What is not healthy is your ex: he cannot grieve - all he can do is jump from one female victim to the next - that is the typical BPD, they cannot be alone because they have such emptiness inside that the loneliness would be deafening.  But when they are in a relationship they do everything to push the other person away.  They are ill and cannot heal. You can AND are healing.  Keep it up.  Do not dwell in the good memories-hugs mean nothing to him, they cannot feel love.

[DragoN]

they cannot feel love.

That is the absolute truth. They cannot feel it and they cannot give it. They can only mime the motions for a short while, then it's devaluation, discard, recycle and wash rinse repeat for as long as you are willing to put up with it.

 Still hurts, but the solace, they hurt worse .

[Ironmanrises]

Accepting, your pain is normal, and healthy. What is not healthy is your ex: he cannot grieve - all he can do is jump from one female victim to the next - that is the typical BPD, they cannot be alone because they have such emptiness inside that the loneliness would be deafening.  But when they are in a relationship they do everything to push the other person away.  They are ill and cannot heal. You can AND are healing.  Keep it up.  Do not dwell in the good memories-hugs mean nothing to him, they cannot feel love.

In bold.

Spot on Hope.

That is the lynchpin... .

And what keeps them... .

From not properly detaching... .

From us.

[Learning_curve74]

In my opinion, the kindest thing for him is to NOT reach out to soothe his feelings. He depends on others and while it works temporarily, his behaviors are maladaptive. He needs to find better ways of coping if he doesn't want to go through girlfriends like so much used tissues blotting his tears.

Life IS short, so maybe it's time to take care of yourself and give yourself a hug, Accepting.

[heartandwhole]

Accepting,

I'm sorry you are hurting.    Finding out about the dating site would have crushed me, too.  I know that feeling of shock and betrayal.

Like you, I feel compassion for my pwBPD, and I think that is kind – for you, and for him.  There was a time that you felt anger, and maybe you lashed out.  That's okay and legitimate.  I think if you are able to forgive yourself for that, you will feel less of a need to reach out and apologize, at least for now, while you are recovering.

I hope you'll extend that compassion and forgiveness to yourself, Accepting.  You deserve it, too.  Thank you for the good wishes and hugs, I gratefully accept them. 

[November_Rain]

Accepting, this is so similar to my situation. My exBPDbf broke up with me and said that he just needed to be alone and then I found him on a dating site. I have not contacted him at all, but after 4 days he sent me a text and ended it with "I love you" (also asking to see me in which I declined). He again texted me today, almost 2 weeks now, telling me he is still unsure of himself and doesn't like himself, but that he still feels the need to be single but he misses spending time with me. I feel used... .He now lives alone since his last roommate moved out which is the first time in his life (he's 30), and doesn't have many friends, if any really, since he is not from here. He did apologize for having hurt me which is something unexpected. When he broke up with me, there was no argument or mean words said. I just accepted it and told him goodbye. I think there is a difference this time because all of our other breakups I have been the one to basically beg him back. This time, I've just left him alone. I think maybe he sees now that he's alone and he is hurting. I'll always be here for him as a friend, but can never trust him again. I think he's been on the dating sites for quite awhile, possibly lining up my replacement just in case. Maybe he finally figured out that I was great to him, unlike all of his past relationships, idk, but at this point I have to be more concerned with my emotional health than his happiness. I'm sorry for what you're going through but you will heal and move on.

[dontknow2]

Acceptance, thank you. So many circles... .ugh. My exBPDh toggles back and forth between iluvu, foff, I am the only one texts all while dating/searching. I forever stayed confused in our almost 20 years and even temporarily took on the traits. That said, this past week I couldn't sleep well. One night around 3 am, nothing was quieting my mind... .TV, writing, this website, my therapists suggestions, etc. I decided to take a shower and while in, felt compelled to take a bath. In the bath, I realized the warm water around my body was comforting since it replaced my exdBPD holding me and feeling his love. It was in this moment, I had an epiphany that this was like the womb... .the nurturing and want I received from him was a huge recycling trigger (missing him and thought of nurturing him) for me. In this case, my needs are very similar to BPD. I decided to take a radically different action... .I called my Mom the next morning, one who leaned unhealthily on me as a child and I rarely call, and asked if she could help provide encouragement, support during this rough time. Although our conversation kept going back to her, I would try to bring it back to me and she began to listen and encourage me. I hope to continue this with my mother. So, this last circle has led to an important shift in my life, a connection with my mother where she mothers me instead of me mothering her. Healing continues. It also made me realize the importance of listening closely to the circles as it relates to me (not him) because it could be very important.