A blocked number called my cell.

[Ironmanrises]

I just got a blocked(private) number call on my cell.

I didnt answer.

The last time i got one of these... .

Was from her... .

In NC period... .

Right before she re engaged me.

My hands are shaking.

I know its her.

No one else calls me like that.

[Findingmysong723]

You know what to do, you've been supporting so many with keeping NC. It's hard, but you can do it!

[Ironmanrises]

Finding,

I didnt respond.

I have retreated into my ironman suit... .

I literally want to disappear.

This is what i feared.

I have seen this before.

Her attempts will increase.

[fromheeltoheal]

Stay the course Ironman, you know you're doing what's right for you.  Contact attempts like that are also a good gauge of how far along you are in your detachment, a handy check up, and an opportunity to decide if you need to make changes or keep on keepin' on.  Stay strong and stay here.

[Ironmanrises]

Fromheel,

I am trying.

Thank you.

I am not fully healed.

She needs to stay on the other side of the NC wall.

She will only hurt me again.

[simplyasiam]

can you change your cell number?

[Ironmanrises]

Simply,

No.

I would have to explain to my family... .

And what not... .

Why i am doing that.

They do not know about any of this.

They wouldnt understand.

[allweareisallweare]

Ironman,

Suit up, repel

We knew this could happen - try not to let it sway you from your recovery path as you have to not only exist despite them, you have to recover from what is essentially emotional trauma - something they deploy BPD to avoid.

[starshine]

You're so much stronger this time, Ironman.  You know what's going on, and what you can expect.  That doesn't make it any easier when your adrenaline starting pulsing through your veins, though!  I know when I've seen my ex out in public I just start shaking.   Too bad you can't block blocked calls.   

[Ironmanrises]

Allwear... .

It is in the 3 month cycle... .

Just like before.

Like clockwork.

A pattern of behavior.

Suiting up.

[fiddlestix]

Ironman, are you a bit surprised?  Or were you ready for this?  Is there any part of you that feels validated that she is still reaching out, if only for selfish reasons.  I am still at the point in my healing where I kind of crave a contact from my ex.  I hope I won't respond, but to know that she is thinking about me would be kind of nice (in a sick way). 

I hope you are doing well, ironman... .keep us posted.  You are safe with us. 

Fiddle

[peas]

This entered my head as I read your post:

1) maybe it's not her.

2) now that this call has your attention, take some time to think of a response in case she is attempting contact and she tries again and you accidentally answer the phone.

3) you were in an LDR. Think of how much money and time you have saved by not traveling to see her since the breakup (I was in an LDR too and by my calculations I've saved about $850 in gas and wear-and-tear on my car since my b/u). Do you want to re-engage and spend that money again with the high likelihood she will hurt you all over again? 

You are in charge now.

[allweareisallweare]

Allwear... .

It is in the 3 month cycle... .

Just like before.

Like clockwork.

A pattern of behavior.

Suiting up.

That's great. That gives me strength. They know our NC is our force field, they know they cannot win. They know they discarded our love, they know whoever they may have replaced us with is just a BPD life-choice. They think we can redeem some of that by coming back in and saying 'this' 'that' but they're wrong. They think they can recycle. They think they can repair. They just have no idea we're all together in this. We are caught between - repelling, quashing, retreating, moving on and fighting on this new, non-them front.

Our own sense of no-validation almost makes us retreat into this sense of wanting to hear from them... .but that's because we're hurting badly it's not the same why they would break NC - they do it because the think we're weak enough to A) Forgive the unforgivable B) Forget the unforgettable - as I say, NC is the force field.

[Ironmanrises]

Starshine... .

Thank you.

This time... .

I am fully aware.

She will try and text me next.

I predicted her god awful behavior... .

When i was in round 2.

And it all came to fruition.

I am sorry you experienced that contact in person.

I dont even want to fathom that.

Fiddle... .

No... .

I knew this was going to happen.

I am not ready... .

In terms of being healed.

I will not respond though.

And i will not reach out either.

Validation... .

When she returned the last time... .?

Yes.

This time... .?

No.

Pain was behind that blocked call.

Pain that is directed at me.

And i want no part of that.

Thank you fiddle.

[simplyasiam]

ironman, you should hide this from your family. you have them supporting you. hiding this kinda thing is what alot of ppl with BPD want they dont want out where the world can see

[UnLuckyLady]

IronManFalls

You are stronger than you realize. I do not have to tell you to arm yourself because that is what you have been doing for the last several months. Preparing for this moment, as you have dreaded it. You are not weak. You have your suit. Use it.

Use us people on this board. Our friends and family simply cannot grasp the devestation. Let us talk you through it every hour of the day if needed. Hell, call me. I would talk you through it.

You have got this under control IronManFalls.  Trust it.

[peas]

Also, have you seen the original Evil Dead movie, from 1981? I don't mean to be crass, but sometimes pwBPD make me think of the characters in the movie who are demon possessed and are able to for a moment assume an unpossessed, victimized persona to gain access and sympathy before they overtake you?

[starshine]

The only places I see my ex is at what used to be my "safe" places- the co-op where I worked for 14 years and currently serve on the board, and at the farmer's market.  It sucks.  I haven't seen him in person in just over 6 months, though I fear it every time I go out.  I have changed my life in many ways so I don't cross his path.

Ironman, why are you afraid to dial your family into this?  My family was shocked at what he did to me, but they weren't able to support me in the way I needed.  At the very least, you might let them know that she is unstable, that the breakup has been harder than they know.   Thank goodness for these boards... .

[Ironmanrises]

Peas... .

I get what you are saying.

But the last time this happened... .

I was naive to the fact... .

That she was behind the blocked phone calls.

I cannot make that mistake again.

If i by accident answer the phone... .

And its her... .

I will hang up.

Any verbal exchange will only expose me to her manipulations.

And i am no match against that.

I spent a lot of money and time traveling to see her... .

And that landed me here.

I do not want that again.

Simply,

I get what you are saying.

My father is elderly... .

I cannot burden him with knowing about what i allowed in my life.

He would freak out.

Literally.

My mother... .

Would kill me.

Its best they know nothing of this.

[simplyasiam]

i can understand and respect that

[Ironmanrises]

Allwear,

Spot on.

That is why i am staying behind this forcefield... .

Of NC.

It is all that separates me from her.

Unluckylady,

Thank you.

You are really kind!

It is why i immediately posted that after my phone stopped ringing.

You guys understand me.

Starshine,

That is awful that you had to reroute your life like that.

So unfair.

I would have had to do the same... .

If she lived in my city.

Hang in there.

Peas,

I havent seen that movie.

But i know what you are referring to.

I witnessed her "possession"... .(dysregulation i witnessed)

Once.

In person.

To say that shook me... .

Would be an understatement.

[PhoenixRising15]

IMF,

You are not invisible.  You've been a source of strength and support for me.

You've got all of us here.

I just got this idea that might help me too, so I'll share it.

If you've ever seen Harry Potter, she's like the creature in the box that turns into your worst fear.

To take away her fear powers, just imagine her in a different way.

Think of her as a fully adult woman dressed in a diaper crying and banging her toy phone on the ground.

Or as a balloon and all you have to do is pop her and she whizzes away.

I don't mean to diminish your pain.  I am myself scared of that exact thing, which I know will happen eventually.

But you give me strength brother.  Keep healing.

[Ironmanrises]

Question,

Thank you brother.

Means a lot.

I remember that part in the movie... .

A paper tiger... .

As long... .

As she remains... .

Away from me.

Her presence... .

Is corrosive to me.

2 rounds of it... .

Was proof enough... .

Of that.

You keep healing too.

Thank you for your kind words brother.

[hopealways]

Ironman, do you see all the love you have from complete strangers, on this forum... .your BPDx can never give you 1% of the love that these faceless friends give you.  I know you will handle this the right way, whatever that may be, because you now understand what is going on, you are stronger, and wiser, and you know what it is that you truly miss... .and it is not her.  Hang in there buddy, we are all behind you.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Yes.

You are so right.

Genuine love.

I am grateful for that. 

Thank you buddy.

So far... .

I have no desire to contact her.

And i will use all my willpower... .

To not succumb.

[Conundrum]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

I get your overall message.

She has caused me pain.

Twice.

I allowed it... .

The second time.

My ironman theme... .

Is how i visualize things.

In bold.

Physically... .

Your description is correct.

Flesh and blood.

Mentally... .

And emotionally... .

Her behavior... .

Has caused me pain.

Lots of it.

Solely... .

Directed at me.

Her iconic status... .

Is my way... .

Of protecting me.

I was naive before.

That cost me.

I do get what you are saying... .

But her being mentally ill... .

Has had direct consequences on me.

I cannot allow anymore of that.

This is me being myself... .

And trying to protect myself.

[Accepting]

I had one from a blocked nbr the other night. Felt it cld be him. ... played on my mind.

Turned out to be an organization... .so just focus on the chance it's someone else 

[hopealways]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

I get your overall message.

She has caused me pain.

Twice.

I allowed it... .

The second time.

My ironman theme... .

Is how i visualize things.

In bold.

Physically... .

Your description is correct.

Flesh and blood.

Mentally... .

And emotionally... .

Her behavior... .

Has caused me pain.

Lots of it.

Solely... .

Directed at me.

Her iconic status... .

Is my way... .

Of protecting me.

I was naive before.

That cost me.

I do get what you are saying... .

But her being mentally ill... .

Has had direct consequences on me.

I cannot allow anymore of that.

This is me being myself... .

And trying to protect myself.

Ironman - in bold - these words summarize everything for me.  I will repeat these to myself and store them in my phone to look at when I lose focus.  "Her being mentally ill has had direct consequences on me.  I cannot allow anymore of that." We should all remember these words by Ironman.  This will help me greatly in healing.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you not answering, Ironman.  

I got one of those blocked number calls and calls from numbers I didn't recognize after breaking up, and I didn't answer either. Whether it's the ex or a telemarketer, neither is worth wasting my time to pick up the phone.

[SeekerofTruth]

Indeed:

I got one of those blocked number calls and calls from numbers I didn't recognize after breaking up, and I didn't answer either. Whether it's the ex or a telemarketer, neither is worth wasting my time to pick up the phone.

Hands shaking... .

Fear on the line... .

It's all good IronMan.  Face the fear.  This too shall pass.  This time.  You are Aware.  This time.  You are conscious.  This time.  You are prepared.  Put up the innoculation shield.  You sound great.  So much stronger now.  Your growth continues.

You have changed.  You are no longer fleeing from your fear into an addiction or a shadow of former self.  you are wiser now.  Aware.  Beware.

"  Be brave, my heart [wrote the poet and mercenary, Archilochus].  Plant your feet and square your shoulders to the enemy  Meet him among the man-killing spears.  Hold your ground. 

Resolve.  Ignore the poison bait.  YOUR TIME is precious.

  But her being mentally ill... .

Has had direct consequences on me.

I cannot allow anymore of that.

This is me being myself... .

Therefore, I now protect myself.

[babyducks]

IMF,

I am with Conundrum on this one.

You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it  She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.

While I know it isn't easy you have the ability to decide how you want to feel about this.  Yup we all get the initial knee jerk reaction that we have been conditioned too.   But you have executive function and coping skills,  you can work your way out of this.

Her calling you, or not calling you, does not have to dictate how you feel.  Her behavior and emotions do not have to impact yours any longer.   

you've got this.  take a deep breath and soldier on.

babyducks

[Traumatized]

My father is elderly... .

I cannot burden him with knowing about what i allowed in my life.

He would freak out.

Literally.

My mother... .

Would kill me.

Its best they know nothing of this.

Your mother would kill you... .literally?  Wow.

I understand your concern about not wanting to tell your family members about this woman.  You love them and don’t want to upset them.  I found myself in a similar situation where I didn’t want to tell my family members about the woman who was abusing me either.  My parents are both elderly.  My dad was still recovering from a heart attack.  Eventually it got to the point where I needed to get it off my chest so they’d know what was going on with me.  Why I was so distraught and barely functioning.   I didn’t know about the BPD Family board yet so I didn’t have that to turn to. 

One day I told my parents, and my older sister, about this woman.  How she had put me through hell.  I even told them about the time she pulled out a Butcher knife and asked me to kill her.  Heavy duty stuff.  I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth.  Yes, it upset them.  It was hard for them to take in and process.  However, they now understand what I’m dealing with and why it has affected me so much.  They're trying to be supportive.  It helps.

[findingmyselfagain]

Ironman,

Hang in there! Mine fortunately never contacted me by phone as far as I know. For the last 2+ years, I used to get odd spam marketing text messages pretty often. Now it's been a few months since I've gotten a single message, so now I do believe it was some odd form of revenge or contact. Strangely enough just a few weeks ago I did get a phone call without an answer and then a blocked call (which I didn't answer). It's going to be 3 years since our official b/u on October 30. After a lot of soul-searching and fighting depression, I'm finally beginning to enjoy life and feel comfortable with the peace. I'm not sure if my battle has been against more of the BPD dynamic or simply what I perceived as a lost soulmate. At this point it doesn't matter as much as the fact that I need to get on and get away from that r/s as much as possible. Why would I want to throw away all I have gained or put myself back through the ringer when a happy ending is so unlikely? It's sad in a lot of ways, I had a toddler who called me "daddy" and probably was hurt, but it's not our responsibility for someone else's impulsive, poor decisions.

Something I ask myself is, What would it actually accomplish if we reconnected? What am *I* trying to accomplish? What I would seek is some kind of meeting of the minds or some kind of happier ending. In my experience, it's just not possible over the long haul. Though we never reconnected in person, she would either ignore my emails (only sent very occasionally) for 2 months, seem somewhat responsive, or go off the deep end on me. I decided to give it up the last time she went off the deep end. It's just not healthy for me, and probably not for her. The best chance she has of recovering is if she's left to face herself. If men keep falling for the "rescue me" act, then what's her motivation to change? Like one of the articles here says, it's difficult but the more responsible and kinder thing to do in the long run.

Hang in there, my friend. It's hard now, but the lesson learned will wake you up to new life one day.

[Ironmanrises]

Accepting,

There is a possibility... .

That it could have been someone else.

But she has done this before.

This is how it started before.

And that is what is freaking me out.

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning.

It is a pattern of behavior.

She knows she has reeled me in before.

Her behavior isn't going to change now.

It is for me to sooth her.

That is what she wants.

That is her need.

My hyper vigilance is to protect me.

I failed in that regards before.

I cannot do that to myself again.

I've paid a high enough price... .

As is.

[fromheeltoheal]

She still has a lot of power over you, and if the phone is the only way she uses to contact you, finding a way, any way, to eliminate that path will be beneficial as you heal and grow.

Mine used text a lot during the relationship, but when things got intense towards the end the texts dried up, and I finally saw her iPhone for what it was: a soothe device she could use to maintain emotional connection with as many people she wanted, but at a distance, which worked for her, unfortunately some of us (ahem) read more into those texts than was there, chasing that fantasy that was only a fantasy.

So wondering if the communication channels change depending on what the relationship status is.

[LetItBe]

I cannot do that to myself again.

I've paid a high enough price... .

As is.

Hi, Ironmanfalls.  I know exactly what you mean.  I, too, chose to struggle for way too long with my ex -- thus the Round #2.  No more.  It definitely took a huge toll.  Even though the second round was "only" 2 months vs. the 10 months of the first round, detaching the second time has been even more difficult, partially because I had invested so much hope the 2nd time around.  Things seemed SO different.  He said all the right things.  He may have even had himself convinced things would be different that time.  It seemed like he tried... .until he became dysregulated.  He couldn't stop himself, even though he's been working on himself through 10 years of therapy.  So, no matter how convincing he will be when he resurfaces, I cannot do that to myself again.  You and I both know how things would unfold.

I will say that after 7 months, I feel less of a charge about things.  I'm less affected by his actions (he does still try to stir up drama that he knows I will hear about... .I can finally say, "So what."  I felt the intense feelings you describe (so beautifully).  I know it's hard.  Stay the course.  It does get better.

[Traumatized]

I finally saw her iPhone for what it was: a soothe device she could use to maintain emotional connection with as many people she wanted, but at a distance, which worked for her, unfortunately some of us (ahem) read more into those texts than was there, chasing that fantasy that was only a fantasy.

With mine, her phone would ring all the time and she got a constant slew of text messages.  She made connections with many people, most of which did not go below the surface  Things either didn't pan out or they just became sexual encounters.  Anything not to feel alone... .ever.

In comparison, my phone doesn't ring at all anymore.  No more text messages.  It just sits there with the battery discharging.  She used to contact me all the time and it made me feel good to have someone special in my life who wanted to contact me.  Now there's no one.

[strikeforce]

You have long feared that this day would come, and now its possible it has.

Hang in there 

[fromheeltoheal]

In comparison, my phone doesn't ring at all anymore.  No more text messages.  It just sits there with the battery discharging.  She used to contact me all the time and it made me feel good to have someone special in my life who wanted to contact me.  Now there's no one.

Same for me, and it took me a while to realize she wasn't calling or texting because she thought I was so awesome, she was doing it to soothe her aloneness; it wasn't about me.

So now I consider it motivational.  What do I need to do to have people who actually do care about me make that phone ring?  Make it known I care about them, mostly, and the phone is starting to ring again, after a journey of healing and soul searching, and a new focus on what really matters, connection and belonging.  It took a BPD to teach me that.

[Sluggo]

IronManStandsStrong,

That should be your title.  Stay strong.  I have seen your name all over these boards giving a lifting hand to us.  Know that we have your back. 

One day I told my parents, and my older sister, about this woman.  How she had put me through hell.  I even told them about the time she pulled out a Butcher knife and asked me to kill her.  Heavy duty stuff.  I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth.  Yes, it upset them.  It was hard for them to take in and process.  However, they now understand what I’m dealing with and why it has affected me so much.  They're trying to be supportive.  It helps.

I 2nd what badly abused said.  It will difuse the strenght it has over you to let your loved ones know. 

Good luck!

[Learning2Thrive]

... .snip... .

I get what you are saying.

My father is elderly... .

I cannot burden him with knowing about what i allowed in my life.

He would freak out.

Literally.

My mother... .

Would kill me.

Its best they know nothing of this.

IMF,

While I agree your family *should* support you, I do understand dysfunctional family dynamics... .ugh... .so have no judgement in your choice not to tell them about the situation.

However, would it not be possible to change your phone number without being specific about the details of why?

When I changed my number, I had to tell people that *needed* to have my new number something.  I simply said my phone had been compromised and to resolve the situation most efficiently I simply got a new number.  End of conversation.

In that regard... . I have to say, changing my phone number was the best things I did for myself.  No longer did I fret about whether she might or might not text or call me. I had taken control! I took the power away from her and made it impossible for her to drop little bombs on me at her whim.

I will say, that did cause her to come *looking* for me. 

But I stayed strong and did not open the door.  She knew I was home. I know she saw the lights on and that they were turned off as soon as she started knocking. She knocked for over 10 minutes.  Then she walked away.  I honestly don't think anyone has ever done that to her before.  I doubt she will be back.  Her ego can't handle it.  If she does come back, I'll be ready.  I'm working on myself every day and practicing for that unlikely possibility just to keep my bases covered.

One of the things I've done is change my perception of her. I can't think about her like I used to because she isn't who she told me she was. But she IS who she showed me she is. 

• Who she said she was/Fantasy:  My soul mate.  My forever love. The one I could always count on.
  
  
• Who she really is/Reality:  An emotional rapist.  A user.  A liar.  A gaslighter.

So, really... .she isn't even someone I used to know.  She is someone I *THOUGHT* I used to know, but never did until now. 

Yes, she is a victim of her illness and only doing what she has been wired to do since early childhood (it's how she learned to cope and survive). Maybe a little like the way a shark reacts to blood in the water It's how the shark is programmed--it's not an intention of the shark to *hurt* you because it doesn't love you.

The pwBPD and the shark both do what they do to survive.

IMF, it seems you are a very visual type person.  I'm a visual person too.  This is what I visualize:

• Mentally, I see myself (my heart, if you will) bleeding. I am because I'm in the healing process.  I'm not 100% yet. 
  
  
• She is a shark... .programed to do what she will do.

This is no time for me to decide to swim with a shark, even if she's charming, beautiful and someone I thought I used to know. Even if I care for her.  ESPECIALLY if I care for her.  And I still do.  I want her to get better.  She can not do that with me or anyone else.  SHE has to do that on her own.

You are loved Ironmanfalls.  Lots of folks are sending you positive energy and love.  Hold on to that.  You are worthy.  You are worth the effort.  YOU are worthy of your own love and respect.

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you all.

I really appreciate all the love.

Means a lot.

I am here at my job.

My mind has been off kilter.

I will respond to all of you... .

When I get out of work tonight.

[Reforming]

Hi there,

13 months my exbpgf moved out when I was abroad on a work trip.

I saw her twice during the first month apart and then I pretty much went no contact for the last year.

Over the last 12 months I've spent a lot of time on this site reading other's stories and all the brilliant information and advice that you can find on this site trying to process and understand what happened.

One of the things that stuck in my brain a post I read here

The poster quoted their therapist saying that it's very common for an exBPD to get back touch to recycle and that it's important that you work out a plan for that eventuality

I've never forgotten that and in the back of my mind I've always thought it might happen... .

Forewarned is forearmed...

But apart from a couple of finance related emails I haven't spoken or texted her for a year

And she's made no effort to get in touch

It hurt and at times I've missed her so much that I felt completely overwhelmed by grief and loss

But I knew that if I wanted to hold on to my sanity and life it was the right thing to do

So I did everything I could to resist contacting her.

Then two days ago I got a call on my mobile from her office.

I have the number saved on my mobile so I knew who it was straight away... .

In that moment when I saw her work caller ID the temptation to answer was so strong... .

But I took a deep breath and muted the call.


She didn't leave a message, text or email and despite everything all the hurt and damage that she did part of me still wishes to hear those magical words...


"I'm so, so sorry for all the pain and hurt I've caused you. I've missed you so much and I really love you"

But I know I never will and even if she did say them they wouldn't be true.

I feel very grateful to BPD Family for all the help and information - God know where'd I'd be know without the site.

I was actually on this forum when she rang

Iron is strong but sometimes you need to take a deep breath and bend with the wind.

Peace and happiness

[saw_tooth]

Ironman,

Healing is a gradual process and I'm sure you have healed a fair amount in the last couple of months.Growing emotionally indifferent to a disordered person is a part of the healing.Initially,if your emotions toward your partner included those of love and hatred,as you heal, you should feel 'nothingness' toward her.

If you allow any of her tactics to rattle you,she breaks your 'emotionally indifferent' stance which was a major part of the healing and makes you susceptible,yet again, to being sucked into the vortex of her transient emotional storms,only to be devalued and spit out later.

Do not let an emotionally fractured needy child trapped in an adult body have even an iota of control over your newly defined strong emotional realm,its not worth it.

Stay strong,we are all there for you.This too shall pass.

Good luck.

[Ironmanrises]

Learning,

Thank you.

I just put the phone to the side... .

When I saw it ring.

Seeker,

Thank you.

My best defense... .

Is to not have any exchange... .

With her.

Her presence... .

Is jarring to me.

Epic quote.

Badly,

I can understand... .

How hard it must have been... .

To tell your family.

And it is really good... .

They are there for you.

My parents... .

Would blame me... .

In this context.

And I don't need that.

My mother... .

Would SPAZZ out on me.

There would be... .

No explaining BPD to her.

In any form.

I do get what you are saying though.

Thank you.

Letitbe,

Mine said all the right things... .

Too.

When she returned.

Until she was triggered.

Like yours.

It would be the same... .

If I allowed her back in.

No more of that.

The line in the sand

_________

Is drawn here.

No further.

Thank you for your kind words.

Fromheel,

Yes.

Her power over me... .

Was fully expressed... .

In round 2.

It is why I am afraid of her.

I need to keep her away.

From me.

Strike,

Thank you buddy.

I was complacent the first time... .

This happened.

I predicted... .

All of her behavior in round 2.

All of it.

I see it.

I know it's her.

[Waifed]

Ironman,

DON"T START OVER!  Face forward and don't look back.  Easier said than done, but we are all here to support each other.

[Ironmanrises]

Babyducks,

Thank you.

I know what you are saying.

I do.

I have no leeway... .

When it comes to this.

It is why I have... .

Reacted like this.

I have succumbed before.

All it takes... .

Is one reply to her.

And my power... .

Will drain... .

Rapidly.

Even if I was fully healed... .

I don't want any exchange with her.

It will only harm me.

All48,

Thank you.

I do post alot.

I know.

I can relate to literally... .

All of you.

It is my way... .

Of letting you guys... .

Know... .

That your experience... .

Was my experience too.

That I feel your pain... .

Too.

All of you have been really kind to me.

My gratitude.

Learningtothrive,

I fear the possibility... .

Of her showing up... .

To my job.

And to my house.

Even if I did change my number.

I get what you are saying.

Your analogy... .

Is quite vivid.

Thank you.

I feel the love.

It is extended back to all of you.

I fear this woman... .

Because I saw in person... .

What she transformed into.

I saw the dysregulation.

And her idealization... .

Is very powerful.

My thought processes... .

Have betrayed my own self protection protocols.

I am working on... .

Repairing that.

Her presence... .

And her knowing this of me... .

Leaves me in a very... .

Precarious position.

NC is my only wall I can stand behind.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi there,

13 months my exbpgf moved out when I was abroad on a work trip.

I saw her twice during the first month apart and then I pretty much went no contact for the last year.

Over the last 12 months I've spent a lot of time on this site reading other's stories and all the brilliant information and advice that you can find on this site trying to process and understand what happened.

One of the things that stuck in my brain a post I read here

The poster quoted their therapist saying that it's very common for an exBPD to get back touch to recycle and that it's important that you work out a plan for that eventuality

I've never forgotten that and in the back of my mind I've always thought it might happen... .

Forewarned is forearmed...

But apart from a couple of finance related emails I haven't spoken or texted her for a year

And she's made no effort to get in touch

It hurt and at times I've missed her so much that I felt completely overwhelmed by grief and loss

But I knew that if I wanted to hold on to my sanity and life it was the right thing to do

So I did everything I could to resist contacting her.

Then two days ago I got a call on my mobile from her office.

I have the number saved on my mobile so I knew who it was straight away... .

In that moment when I saw her work caller ID the temptation to answer was so strong... .

But I took a deep breath and muted the call.


She didn't leave a message, text or email and despite everything all the hurt and damage that she did part of me still wishes to hear those magical words...


"I'm so, so sorry for all the pain and hurt I've caused you. I've missed you so much and I really love you"

But I know I never will and even if she did say them they wouldn't be true.

I feel very grateful to BPD Family for all the help and information - God know where'd I'd be know without the site.

I was actually on this forum when she rang

Iron is strong but sometimes you need to take a deep breath and bend with the wind.

Peace and happiness

Reforming.

I am sorry you experienced that too.

I know how hard it must have been... .

To resist that incoming call.

You did the right thing.

You protected yourself.

In bold.

After seeing... .

My exUBPDgf... .

Pattern of behavior... .

Which extends... .

All the way back... .

To when i was just friends... .

With her... .

It is literally... .

A cycle of... .

Invading my boundaries(idealization)... .

And withdrawing completely(devaluation).

Again and again.

She has exhibited this.

She wont stop.

A pattern of behavior... .

That i am quite sensitive to now.

It is far... .

Too damaging to me.

Thank you.

My ironman suit.l.

Will be more streamlined... .

To not... .

Bend.

Sawtooth,

You are right.

It is why... .

It this barrier of NC... .

Must remain intact.

Thank you.

Waifed,

No starting over.

My experience of... .

2 rounds of devaluation... .

Have been brutal lessons.

Thank you.

[UmbrellaBoy]

To them, it's our fault they developed feelings for us.

Such an interesting way to put it!

Whenever mine was devaluing me before a split, this is the sense I got. He'd blame me for breaking up him and his boyfriend. Ummm... .you CHOSE to leave him for me. If you really loved him, no amount of wooing or seduction in the world can ever force a couple apart who doesn't want to be broken up. If you left him for me, it's because that was your choice, because you wanted to. My conscience is clean, don't put your second-guessing of your choices on me!

[PhoenixRising15]

IMF... .

Well, brother,  I'm right here with you again.

Today, just as I was walking thinking, you know, as much pain as I'm in, I feel sorry for my ex and the amount of pain she must be in.

Ring Ring Ring... .

A strange number that I thought could only be the phone company.

I pick up.

15 seconds of silence as I say hello repeatedly, and then a hang up.

Boggled, I call back.  Can't do it.  International number.

Was it her?  It fits the timeframe, the pattern.

It sat uneasy with me for a while.

I thought of you.  I thought of everyone on here.  That gave me strength.

We're in this together.

It bothers me to know shes out there, in a new relationship, with my replacement, and would still call, if it was her.

I sat in fear for the better part of the evening.  Gradually that progressed towards anger.

Now,  I'm pissed.  I'm pissed that she won't leave me alone.

But as was said before on one of these threads, they can't let go, because they never truly leave a relationship.  They just move from one to the next seamlessly with a never ending string of loose ends.

In this moment, I find pity in my heart for her.  And  I won't let that pity overtake the small bit of empathy I've garnered for myself over the past few weeks as I look back at the havoc she wreaked in my life.

I feel for you IMF.  You're a role model to me of healing.  A pillar of strength.

I hope you are well and at peace.

[Ironmanrises]

Question,

Your description... .

Of the silence... .

When you picked up the phone... .

Was the same... .

That i experienced... .

When i got... .

One of the those private calls... .

Back in the NC period... .

Before she returned in round 2.

The same silence... .

As i said "hello... .

Hello... .

Hello... .?"... .

And when she returned... .

In round 2... .

I asked her... .

If it was her... .

And she said... .

"Yes... ."... .

I remember asking her... .

At the time... .

"Why did you remain silent... .?"

Her reply... .

Was 2 fold... .

First she said... .

"You sounded so happy... .

When you answered the phone... .

I needed to hear your voice... .

Ironmanfalls... ."

 

I was well into healing... .

And she didnt want that... .

And wanted me... .

To soothe her.

A pattern of behavior.

Had i picked up the phone... .

This time... .

I wouldnt be surprised... .

If silence would have answered me.

Just like... .

The silence... .

That you encountered.

That anger you speak of... .

It is the same for me.

Anger... .

That i have allowed this... .

Into my life.

They do not let go of us.

Mine... .

Upon return... .

Sent me this one picture... .

After i let her back in... .

Of these 2 LEGO pieces... .

Of which... .

One of them is holding tight... .

To the other... .

From behind... .

With the caption... .

Of which the one being held... .

Is saying... .

"LEGO(let me go)... ."

And the one holding on... .

Replies... .

"No... ."

That image she sent... .

Broke my heart.

It said everything.

A haunting and sad... .

Metaphor for this... .

All of this.

I know that pity you refer to.

Hang in there Question.

You have been really kind to me.

Thank you for understanding.

Know that you are not alone.

[PhoenixRising15]

You have been really kind to me.

Thank you for understanding.

Know that you are not alone.

Right back at ya brother.  Right back at ya.

[Ironmanrises]

I get out of work today... .

And there is a missed call... .

From a local number I don't recognize... .

With a voicemail.

I go listen to the voicemail... .

A long voicemail of someone... .

Silent and tapping something... .

In the background... .

Just loud enough to hear.

A long silent voicemail of that.

Of course.

It is escalating.

Who the f¥ck else is it... .?

[PhoenixRising15]

IMF,

She, they, only have the power that WE give THEM.

You, and I both know, intellectually, what they are doing.

They can't let go.  They've never let go.

It is sad.

But I (and I suspect you) don't have to take on their sad lives anymore.

As long as we continue to let others dictate our feelings they will.

These words are easy for me to say to you, because I'm not you.  But I will say them regardless.

I (and I suspect many others) will be your shield for you.  We are your shield.  We are your power.  Your reality check.

We're here for you. 

In solidarity.

QF

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I have not seen my uBPD since the 14th July this year,  (because of his aggression I limited my contact in the last 16 months of our relationship which had ended in Long Distance).

In the early hours of the 10th of June, he again assaulted me/threatened my life/smashed my property and threw away my car/house keys so I couldnt leave anyway, even though he kept assaulting me (and screaming abuse at me to Eff Off) until I crawled away in the dark to hopefully find a neighbour awake that could assist me.

I had begun to suspect that he had had a new source of supply, as he no longer took money from me, yet seemed to not realise where certain deposits into his account were coming from. His not taking money from me was definately unusual, since I had financially supported him the entire 3.5 years, all whilst his abuse of me never stopped.

After June and July, he only talked to me on the phone, and spent a lot of time fobbing me off as to when we could spend time together, I feel like this was his 'payback' to me for calling him on his violence/aggression/behaviour, he was likely also pursuing other sources of supply too.

On the 13th of August he again verbally abused and denigrated both his own parents and then my daughter and her partner during his phone call to me, where I stood up to him, and said I did not wish to hear him use 'that word' to describe neither his parents or my family. I said I did not agree with what he was saying about any of them, and did not wish to hear him talk in such a way to me. With that, (just like a 2 year old child) he screamed abuse at me, (as if I had called him or something!) told me to Eff off, and other disgusting words, and hung up.

Since then he has ignored me.

I admit at first that I tried to call/email, and got no answer, so I decided to go NC myself to begin the detach/heal process.

About a month later, (after hang up calls at least every week) and also suspect he was prowling around outside the house one night, I get a letter in the post, knowing it was his handwriting straight away, I didnt want to open it, sitting the letter on the table for half an hour, with heart pounding and pain over whelming.

Figuring the envelope was pretty thin, I decided it couldn't have been a letter, so I opened it, as curiosity got the better of me. Inside was this newspaper clipping, with a written reference to the page numbers in the paper too, about a well known company who were ripping off their employees and got caught and had to pay out. BP knew that I was in the same industry and had the same deal, but it seemed odd to me that he could send this, after dumping and ignoring me for almost a month.

His clipping in the post really annoyed me as it had always been his pattern, and just when I was starting to get over the worst of things, he would recycle me. This time was no different, and I admit I took his bait. I knew I wasn't over him at that point, and his contact prompted me to reach out to him. I tried calling, sent 2 texts, and called and spoke with his Mother the next morning, yet he still ignored me, and that was when I realised yet again, what his game is.

His parents had always encouraged me to stay in contact with them, no matter what was happening between myself and their son. They themselves had no end of troubles with his acting out, and he had used them as free accommodation for 13 years, now at the age of 46 and 5 years unemployed, his Mother is only now attempting to put boundaries in place. I see her as the biggest enabler in her sons bizarre behaviour, her own guilt at what she tolerated at the hands of his Father makes that so. She believes that BP had copped the worst of his Fathers treatment, and she has encouraged her sons extreme narcissism, (still does in fact). She is also the one that stands in the way of his involuntary submission to psychiatric treatment, and it disgusts me because BP is dangerous, both to females and to his Father and Mother, and anyone to be exact.

During the month of BP's silent treatment to me, my daughters fiance' (whom BP absolutely loathed and never stopped denigrating) went back to working remotely, his roster being 2 weeks on, and 1 week off. The morning he flew out, my daughter had posted on Facebook that he was flying out for work for 2 weeks.

That night, (after son in law flew out for work that morning) I had a prowler outside my window (and tapping on it around midnight). I had a feeling it was BP, trying to put the wind up me, because he had been stalking my daughter/my Facebook pages to see if he could have a nosy what we were up to.

Given his obsession with what we were all doing the whole time he was involved with me, this stalking behaviour does not surprise me at all. All he talks about is other people, their issues, their problems and most of all, what they do with their money, (and why they should all be feeling sorry for him and giving it to him).

I was angry, and I went up to my window and said some angry stuff, and also that I knew who the prowler was. After which the noise and commotion stopped, and I heard the footsteps running away in the dark.

The next morning, (trying to confirm my suspicions) I asked my daughter if her posts were public, she said "yes" and asked why. I told her what had happened, and how it was too coincidental after her post saying her partner was absent from our house.

I had one other incident where there was someone outside prowling around, and lots of hang up calls, at precisely the same times that BP used to ring me. I believe he was checking on me to see if I was home or not.

The hang up calls have stopped again, but they could start at any moment.

I do not doubt that he keeps an eye on my activity, but I can proudly say that I am not doing that myself. I am truly NC, and trying to move on with my life.

It is frequently noted here, that our exBP partners continue to stalk us on social media or otherwise, long after they break up with us, (or vice versa), even if they already have someone new. I know from experience with BP that he was frequently stalking his other ex's when he met me, (and some of them were still calling him too).

Before, when I was with BP, I was afraid to go on Facebook because he was so dangerous that he was stalking any male friends/acquaintences I had when I met him. One night he followed one of them home, and meant to harm them, so I made all my posts private, for fear that he may get out of control.

Now, since I have nothing to fear from him being in my life, my posts are public again, although obviously I never write anything that gives too much away.

Sorry folks for rabbitting on so much. I recently was away on holiday for the first time in 4 years, and I hardly thought about exBP, well a few times I did, with much sadness. Now that I am back, he still enters my mind most days, but I know that if he was to ring me, I would hang up, for fear of being sucked back into his drama.

Roller

[Ironmanrises]

Question,

Thank you brother.

You are right.

Everything you wrote... .

Valid and logical.

Since i first got that private number call... .

The other night... .

I have been off balance.

My co workers have noticed.

Asked me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

You seem to be really wary... .

You constantly look at the entrance... .

Of the store.

Are you ok... .?"

I just nod my head.

Thank you Question.

Your solidarity... .

Is much appreciated.

[rollercoaster24]

Ironmanfalls

So sorry to hear you are wary, unfortunately after the emotional trauma we went through with our exBP's this wariness seems to prevail for some time, (some here say we are left with PTSD).

I understand that wariness you speak of so well, it is a constant presence for me too, I often feel this never ending sense of edginess, (residual stress left over from the stalking/following I experienced whilst in that relationship).

It may take us some time to get over the worst of this, if it ever goes away entirely...

My thoughts are with you on that.

Today I again received another hang up call, I knew it would start again, and it was the sound of the phone box hang up, which my exBP always rang from to my home phone. The time was 2.30pm, and I believe he was calling to see if I had gone to my secondary job or not, (I have a month off this). My daughter and I had fun laughing at what kind of answering machine message we wish we had on the phone at that time, that it would instantly go to that before he had the chance to hang up. Being able to laugh about it certainly helps relieve a little of that stress/pain/anger.

Again, I am quite sure his new source of supply has no idea what he is up to, (hang up calls and stalking his new ex, that being me!). But it also gives me insight to the instincts I myself had about him, and his bizarre phone and general behaviour when he was first with me. There were disappearing acts by him for several nights every week, (always on his unemployment paydays). It is likely that when he disappeared from my life for those days/nights every week, that he was seeing others, or revisting his old hunting grounds before he met me.

Such is the Borderline, a mass of contradictions... 2 different people in fact.

I can at least hold my head up high, and know that the way I am living my life shows who I am, and he never had any idea of how true I was to him... His loss forever...

[rollercoaster24]

I spent the whole time trying to shield myself from his disgusting projections of what he believed I was doing... (others did too!).

The sick thing for me, is that I believed I deserved his hateful rants/rages/agression, I believed that he was totally justified in treating me like crap and removing my rights as a human being, simply because things looked dodgy to him, and I had so many friends or my phone rang too much or some other pathetic excuse I would award him. He had me so screwed up and twisted into knots, that I believed he was right to not trust me!

But I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was infact trying to protect others from harm... perhaps even save their lives... .I fear for the new females he has sucked into his vortex of lies.

[HarmKrakow]

Hi all

I have not seen my uBPD since the 14th July this year,  (because of his aggression I limited my contact in the last 16 months of our relationship which had ended in Long Distance).

In the early hours of the 10th of June, he again assaulted me/threatened my life/smashed my property and threw away my car/house keys so I couldnt leave anyway, even though he kept assaulting me (and screaming abuse at me to Eff Off) until I crawled away in the dark to hopefully find a neighbour awake that could assist me.

I had begun to suspect that he had had a new source of supply, as he no longer took money from me, yet seemed to not realise where certain deposits into his account were coming from. His not taking money from me was definately unusual, since I had financially supported him the entire 3.5 years, all whilst his abuse of me never stopped.

After June and July, he only talked to me on the phone, and spent a lot of time fobbing me off as to when we could spend time together, I feel like this was his 'payback' to me for calling him on his violence/aggression/behaviour, he was likely also pursuing other sources of supply too.

On the 13th of August he again verbally abused and denigrated both his own parents and then my daughter and her partner during his phone call to me, where I stood up to him, and said I did not wish to hear him use 'that word' to describe neither his parents or my family. I said I did not agree with what he was saying about any of them, and did not wish to hear him talk in such a way to me. With that, (just like a 2 year old child) he screamed abuse at me, (as if I had called him or something!) told me to Eff off, and other disgusting words, and hung up.

Since then he has ignored me.

I admit at first that I tried to call/email, and got no answer, so I decided to go NC myself to begin the detach/heal process.

About a month later, (after hang up calls at least every week) and also suspect he was prowling around outside the house one night, I get a letter in the post, knowing it was his handwriting straight away, I didnt want to open it, sitting the letter on the table for half an hour, with heart pounding and pain over whelming.

Figuring the envelope was pretty thin, I decided it couldn't have been a letter, so I opened it, as curiosity got the better of me. Inside was this newspaper clipping, with a written reference to the page numbers in the paper too, about a well known company who were ripping off their employees and got caught and had to pay out. BP knew that I was in the same industry and had the same deal, but it seemed odd to me that he could send this, after dumping and ignoring me for almost a month.

His clipping in the post really annoyed me as it had always been his pattern, and just when I was starting to get over the worst of things, he would recycle me. This time was no different, and I admit I took his bait. I knew I wasn't over him at that point, and his contact prompted me to reach out to him. I tried calling, sent 2 texts, and called and spoke with his Mother the next morning, yet he still ignored me, and that was when I realised yet again, what his game is.

His parents had always encouraged me to stay in contact with them, no matter what was happening between myself and their son. They themselves had no end of troubles with his acting out, and he had used them as free accommodation for 13 years, now at the age of 46 and 5 years unemployed, his Mother is only now attempting to put boundaries in place. I see her as the biggest enabler in her sons bizarre behaviour, her own guilt at what she tolerated at the hands of his Father makes that so. She believes that BP had copped the worst of his Fathers treatment, and she has encouraged her sons extreme narcissism, (still does in fact). She is also the one that stands in the way of his involuntary submission to psychiatric treatment, and it disgusts me because BP is dangerous, both to females and to his Father and Mother, and anyone to be exact.

During the month of BP's silent treatment to me, my daughters fiance' (whom BP absolutely loathed and never stopped denigrating) went back to working remotely, his roster being 2 weeks on, and 1 week off. The morning he flew out, my daughter had posted on Facebook that he was flying out for work for 2 weeks.

That night, (after son in law flew out for work that morning) I had a prowler outside my window (and tapping on it around midnight). I had a feeling it was BP, trying to put the wind up me, because he had been stalking my daughter/my Facebook pages to see if he could have a nosy what we were up to.

Given his obsession with what we were all doing the whole time he was involved with me, this stalking behaviour does not surprise me at all. All he talks about is other people, their issues, their problems and most of all, what they do with their money, (and why they should all be feeling sorry for him and giving it to him).

I was angry, and I went up to my window and said some angry stuff, and also that I knew who the prowler was. After which the noise and commotion stopped, and I heard the footsteps running away in the dark.

The next morning, (trying to confirm my suspicions) I asked my daughter if her posts were public, she said "yes" and asked why. I told her what had happened, and how it was too coincidental after her post saying her partner was absent from our house.

I had one other incident where there was someone outside prowling around, and lots of hang up calls, at precisely the same times that BP used to ring me. I believe he was checking on me to see if I was home or not.

The hang up calls have stopped again, but they could start at any moment.

I do not doubt that he keeps an eye on my activity, but I can proudly say that I am not doing that myself. I am truly NC, and trying to move on with my life.

It is frequently noted here, that our exBP partners continue to stalk us on social media or otherwise, long after they break up with us, (or vice versa), even if they already have someone new. I know from experience with BP that he was frequently stalking his other ex's when he met me, (and some of them were still calling him too).

Before, when I was with BP, I was afraid to go on Facebook because he was so dangerous that he was stalking any male friends/acquaintences I had when I met him. One night he followed one of them home, and meant to harm them, so I made all my posts private, for fear that he may get out of control.

Now, since I have nothing to fear from him being in my life, my posts are public again, although obviously I never write anything that gives too much away.

Sorry folks for rabbitting on so much. I recently was away on holiday for the first time in 4 years, and I hardly thought about exBP, well a few times I did, with much sadness. Now that I am back, he still enters my mind most days, but I know that if he was to ring me, I would hang up, for fear of being sucked back into his drama.

Roller

No one, should go through this. I'm so sorry that your life is so closed because of this guy

[babyducks]

Of course.

It is escalating.

Who the f¥ck else is it... .?

Its going to be all right Ironman.

This I can swear to you.

Because I am just a little bit ahead of you along the road we are both on.

You will reach a point in the road where the hurt and the pain and the love does not strangle, but is, in itself a strength.

I promise.

Take a couple of deep breaths.  Relax.   Do everything you can think of to de-stress.  even drink chamomile tea if that helps.

You are not the same person you were 6 months ago.  You have grown.   You literally can not repeat the past.

'ducks

[Ironmanrises]

Rollercoaster,

I am really sorry that you have experienced such god awful behavior.

I can feel the hurt in your words... .

That uneasy feeling... .

Of his presence you speak of... .

I can so understand that.

The 2 different people... .

You refer to... .

I know exactly what you mean.

The contradictions... .

Of those 2 people... .

Is horrifying.

Jarring.

And it is intertwined... .

In 1 person... .

The person we let get inside... .

Our inner sanctum.

In our cases... .

We let in 2 people.

And that other side... .

Once inside our inner sanctum... .

Has innumerable... .

Consequences on us.

Your wariness... .

I can most certainly feel.

I am feeling that now.

And it scares me.

Keep posting on here.

Know that you are not alone.

That what you have experienced... .

Is real... .

Unfortunately... .

But we get you... .

100%.

We know exactly... .

What you saw.

Hang in there Rollercoaster.

Baby ducks.

Thank you.

That is what I want to reach... .

But before I reach that... .

I will have to survive... .

Further attempted intrusions... .

In my last refuge.

And that will take... .

All of my strength.

I feel like a submerged submarine... .

Trying to stay in radio silence... .

In the depths of the ocean... .

And she is trying to find me... .

And dropping depth charges... .

Ever so near me... .

To cause me to surface... .

And reveal my position... .

Or destroy me... .

In the very depths... .

I am in... .

Trying to allude her.

I cannot submerge any deeper.

I am at maximum depth.