I met up with my ex and I feel even worse

[houseofswans]

To anyone who hopes or craves to break no contact.

DON'T DO IT!

After my meeting with my ex, I'm just as emotionally drained as I was seven weeks ago when I last saw her.

I thought I could handle it. I thought that I'd be OK about it - after all, I knew that she was possibly still seeing someone.

I thought that I might be able to influence her into seeing me again. "I broke no contact" thread will give you the background to the meeting.

Now, in many ways, I'm in a worse emotional state than I was last time. Unable to sleep, no appetite, no concentration, just constant thoughts about her, the good times we had together - that and my mantra of repeating all the bad times we had and her behaviour.

BUT

What is different is that I know that she will never return to me. And in many ways I'm glad about that. I wish I'd been able to spot the devaluation signs and made my permanent exit sooner. It dragged on, countless re-cycles over four years.

And as we all know, the pain and torment of breaking with a BPD is unlike any other relationship break up.

When I saw her, I wanted to ask why she had not given me another chance whilst we were on a break. Or why she chose to be with the first Mr X - an unknown quantity - instead of returning to me. I wanted to ask her why she didn't tell me she'd met someone else when she had the opportunity.

I was afraid of rejection and the full import of why she didn't really like me... .

And then the turnaround with the first Mr X, and seeing someone else a couple of days later. I wanted to know why she dumped him after four months and didn't give him the opportunity to redeem himself as she had with me many times before.

So I know that I was obsessed with the first Mr X, but now am even more obsessed with the new Mr X. This may go against everything I should know, and everything I've read, but having spoken to her about the new man, I can't help feeling that because of what he will bring to her life - a new home, financial security, a car, his contacts in the publishing world (he's a respected figure in the scientific world) as my ex wants to write a book (he's written two). That plus the fact that she really does feel that she has met the archetypal knight in shining armour. The man who really understands where she's coming from with her research, who'll be able to really help her get published and be given standing in the circles she wants to be in regarding her work.

But he'll have to get divorced first, relocate 200 miles away from his children and effectively start a new life - how would that impact, I wonder?

Now I really am obsessed with him, and now my feelings for my ex are such that (going against what I said before) I want so much for this to fail.

But I can't help feeling that this time, she would really try to keep sane just to hold on to this man and what he is offering her.

That's hard to write because it goes against everything I hold dear about just wishing someone well and letting them get on with their new life.

I need to heal and get her out of my system. Is it odd that I would find it easier to heal if I knew that, yet again, another relationship she has thrown herself into has hit the rocks?

I'm confused, angry, sad, hopeful, revengeful - the whole gamut... .

I HATE THIS!

[connect]

Just sending you a  

Horrible turmoil - keep writing - get all this stuff out. I am in "staying" but have been dumped a few times by him (I can sense a potential one happening again soon...  :'()and I also know how totally all consuming it is - far FAR worse then a normal break up. Its the lack of closure - the things we wished we had said / didnt say/ tried harder with / shouldnt have put up with / fearing the smear campaign / knowing how they will make the break up our fault and remember it incorrectly / thinking they will be better with the next person etc etc... .awful.

Keep writing buddy - get it all out  

[Century2012]

I got the smear campaign.  It hurts like xxxx! You want to call them up and defend yourself. But try to remember this. I believe that they have to devalue you. Make you look bad so they won't have to look so bad.

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry to hear you feel like that. Rest assured she will keep up the pretense for as long as possible, he will fall for it, get her published, yadda, yadda, yadda. He will then regret it and join this forum as the same thing will happen over again. It only takes time. 

So what if he gets her published and gives her a good life until she fails? As long as its not on your dime and not wasting your time it's actually better for you. Take contentment in knowing for a fact that  she is going to do it all over again. Just don't be waiting for her.

You need to focus on yourself. Once you heal you will look back at this post and wonder in astonishment how far you've come. I wish you well.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear house (and all the family here),

     First:  Believe nothing she says to you.  It is carefully calculated to bring about the reaction it has and may well be largely (or even completely) false.

     Second:  She isn't someone just like you who is now in a perfect relationship.  Even if everything she said was exactly true and the guy did all the stuff she wants him to, she likely has BPD, so that probably means that the moment he divorces his wife she will panic about being engulfed and dump him.

     Third:  Work on figuring out what it is she gave you in the r/s so you can make her irrelevant by giving it to yourself.  We can all do this if we try.

      Finally:  We're with you man.  The recycles hurt more than the initial deletion and it's why most people here advocate not going back.  Remember, though, that leaving these folks emotionally is a process, not just a decision and it's different for each of us.  You'll get there in your own way.   

LT

[DragoN]

But he'll have to get divorced first, relocate 200 miles away from his children and effectively start a new life - how would that impact, I wonder?

She's going after a married man? Typical lack of boundaries shining right through there, not to mention he is not the stellar lad on that front either.



Spend some time reading the thrills of marriage on the staying board 

If that doesn't scare you and force the Red pill down your throat, I don't know what will. Your feelings and hurt is real and painful. Add a few more years of that crap and you would not be missing her with love in your , but spending time trying to break through trauma and betrayal bonds, along with the delight of cognitive dissonance, which you are struggling with right now. 

Try to stay out of the PD Matrix, i.e. no drinking to drown your sorrows. Messes with the head. Need clarity and focus. Sit with your pain. Chase the lousy feelings back to the thoughts, their source and find out why you are so drawn to her. 

You know all that stuff about "taking care of yourself"? Do it. Run, train, eat right, exhaust yourself physically so you can sleep at night. Stay busy. Cry when you want, cry when you run whatever it takes. Rewire your brain and the heart will follow.

[houseofswans]

So what if he gets her published and gives her a good life until she fails? As long as its not on your dime and not wasting your time it's actually better for you. Take contentment in knowing for a fact that  she is going to do it all over again. Just don't be waiting for her.

You need to focus on yourself. Once you heal you will look back at this post and wonder in astonishment how far you've come. I wish you well.

Thanks for the reassurance 

[houseofswans]

Dear house (and all the family here),

     First:  Believe nothing she says to you.  It is carefully calculated to bring about the reaction it has and may well be largely (or even completely) false.

     Second:  She isn't someone just like you who is now in a perfect relationship.  Even if everything she said was exactly true and the guy did all the stuff she wants him to, she likely has BPD, so that probably means that the moment he divorces his wife she will panic about being engulfed and dump him.

     Third:  Work on figuring out what it is she gave you in the r/s so you can make her irrelevant by giving it to yourself.  We can all do this if we try.

      Finally:  We're with you man.  The recycles hurt more than the initial deletion and it's why most people here advocate not going back.  Remember, though, that leaving these folks emotionally is a process, not just a decision and it's different for each of us.  You'll get there in your own way.   

LT

Thank you 

[houseofswans]

find out why you are so drawn to her.

I'm know that what she has told me is true. I looked up the details of her new man (as he is respected in his expertise).

I know exactly why I'm drawn to her.

It's the things that she's into (and why I'd have difficulty finding someone else that shares the same) that is what hurts so much:

1) The macrobiotic vegan diet

2) Almost identical love of the same kind of music and things we like to watch

3) Same outlook on life

4) Conspiracy theories

5) Smoking - tobacco and weed

6) Her provocative sexuality

7) Her free-thinking

8) Glorious scatterbrain attitude

To give you an idea... .

Of course, I could give a list of the traits that I hate!

And can I just ask if she's just going to repeat the same behaviour with every man she meets, idealizes, devalues and then discards?

Thanks

[HarmKrakow]

find out why you are so drawn to her.

I'm know that what she has told me is true. I looked up the details of her new man (as he is respected in his expertise).

I know exactly why I'm drawn to her.

It's the things that she's into (and why I'd have difficulty finding someone else that shares the same) that is what hurts so much:

1) The macrobiotic vegan diet

2) Almost identical love of the same kind of music and things we like to watch

3) Same outlook on life

4) Conspiracy theories

5) Smoking - tobacco and weed

6) Her provocative sexuality

7) Her free-thinking

8) Glorious scatterbrain attitude

To give you an idea... .

Of course, I could give a list of the traits that I hate!

You should. That is recovery! Not listing why you miss her.

And can I just ask if she's just going to repeat the same behaviour with every man she meets, idealizes, devalues and then discards?

Of course she will, unless she gets help, she will repeat. It only depends a little if the bloke she meets is personality disorder 'free' or not. Otherwise it can take upon 20/30 years before everything is finally broken.

[Traumatized]

I had it confirmed to me again tonight that my BPDx will not return to me either. It's a harsh reality I've just got to face.

After being triggered yesterday I broke down and texted her.  She didn't respond. Today I cried most of the day. I've never felt more empty, lonely or sad in my entire life.  I called her tonight and she answered.  She hung up on me almost immediely. I called back and when she answered she told me she was in a lot of pain, I'm guessing from pain killer withdrawals. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said NO our relationship is over and not to call her again. Then she hung up on me.  As much I was glad to hear the sound of her voice, it pained me to here those cold heartless words. Clearly she meant what she said and it's truly over. 

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

[Ironmanrises]

House,

She has a disorder.

You have seen the pattern.

She will repeat this... .

To every guy... .

That gets close to her.

I know this hurts to see all of this.

Trust me... .

I know.

You have to try and go NC.

The more you see... .

The more it will hurt you.

And it will... .

Only... .

Hurt you.

NC will buffer you from that... .

Where your mind... .

Your heart... .

Can have some respite... .

From the constant... .

Corrosive... .

Behavior that your ex... .

Is displaying.

NC is not easy.

But it is all that is left.

It is for you my friend.

Your ex... .

May even attempt to contact you again.

Dont let her behavior... .

Fool you into thinking... .

That she will not try this.

If she knows... .

You still have feelings for her... .

That may even spur her... .

To re engage you.

And that... .

Will be far worse... .

Then what you gave been viewing... .

So far.

Why... .?

Because she will hurt you again.

Keep posting on here.

We are here for you buddy.

[Ironmanrises]

I had it confirmed to me again tonight that my BPDx will not return to me either. It's a harsh reality I've just got to face.

After being triggered yesterday I broke down and texted her.  She didn't respond. Today I cried most of the day. I've never felt more empty, lonely or sad in my entire life.  I called her tonight and she answered.  She hung up on me almost immediely. I called back and when she answered she told me she was in a lot of pain, I'm guessing from pain killer withdrawals. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said NO our relationship is over and not to call her again. Then she hung up on me.  As much I was glad to hear the sound of her voice, it pained me to here those cold heartless words. Clearly she meant what she said and it's truly over. 

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

Badly.

I am sorry you experienced that.

I know those cold... .

Hurtful words... .

You mention.

I heard... .

The same... .

From mine... .

In both rounds... .

Of devaluation/discard.

Notice... .

I said both.

I experienced this more then once.

In bold/italics.

In reference to above... .

My exUBPDgf... .

RAGED at me when she discarded me... .

In round 1.

I thought she was long gone.

She returned.

And said all the right things.

Brought me an ipad mini as a surprise... .

Introduced me into the lives of her 2 sons... .

And what was the result... .?

She brutally left me... .

Again.

Became cold... .

Mean... .

Didnt rage... .

But her words... .

Tore right through... .

My entire ironman suit.

Lethal words.

Filled with poison.

All directed... .

At me.

At all my weaknesses.

At my heart.

I should think she is long gone now right... .?

If you read my previous posts... .

You will see... .

I mention... .

Unknown texts... .

Calls... .

Silent voicemail... .

And yesterdays... .

Private blocked number calling my cell.

It is her.

They do not stop.

Their disorder... .

Compels them... .

To behave like this.

Hang in there badly.

Know that you are not alone my friend.

[Clearmind]

This new person was you once! It helps to rather than compare ourselves to the new person ---> self shame, we can build our self worth by exercising empathy.

We have a lot to learn about relationships and ourselves and the reasons why we entered this relationship to begin with. This guy has all you have endured ahead of him.

Patterns have a way of repeating themselves. Concentrate on you and take some focus off her and what she is doing. She is predictable.

[Ironmanrises]

This new person was you once! It helps to rather than compare ourselves to the new person ---> self shame, we can build our self worth by exercising empathy.

We have a lot to learn about relationships and ourselves and the reasons why we entered this relationship to begin with. This guy has all you have endured ahead of him.

Patterns have a way of repeating themselves. Concentrate on you and take some focus off her and what she is doing. She is predictable.

In bold.

Bingo.

[houseofswans]

Thank you to all, the affirmations I needed to hear 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Badly Abused,

     First of all, it sounds like you're clinically depressed.  Get active physically and get some medical help.  Therapy is good, and SSRIs are even better.  You need to be energetic in order to fight, and these will help you get back your old energy.  Second, you're going through heroin withdrawal.  Well, it might as well be, as it's mediated the same way in your brain.  Any addict will tell you they have to fight this withdrawal every day, even years after the addiction was acute.  The reason the color has left the world isn't really her (there isn't really a 'her', strictly speaking) it's the drug she figured out how to get released in you.  You need to do the work here step by step and get the help your doctor and therapist can provide, as well as any of us, if possible.  This will get better; it just really doesn't seem that way right now.  We're here for you.

LT

P.S.  While there is a slim chance that the r/s with her is actualy over, the overwhelming odds are that this is her lying to you.  It needs to be over, but it only will be when you are able to complete the process of letting this craziness go.  I hope you understand that I'm not calling you crazy.  Nons like us have the 'right' psychological make-up to be exploited well by these sick people and thus we get pulled deeply into their craziness.

LT   

[HarmKrakow]

I had it confirmed to me again tonight that my BPDx will not return to me either. It's a harsh reality I've just got to face.

After being triggered yesterday I broke down and texted her.  She didn't respond. Today I cried most of the day. I've never felt more empty, lonely or sad in my entire life.  I called her tonight and she answered.  She hung up on me almost immediely. I called back and when she answered she told me she was in a lot of pain, I'm guessing from pain killer withdrawals. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said NO our relationship is over and not to call her again. Then she hung up on me.  As much I was glad to hear the sound of her voice, it pained me to here those cold heartless words. Clearly she meant what she said and it's truly over. 

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

Badly abused, I remember those days. I might even had them worse as you. I went through hell and forth and my physical reaction to this became so severe that tears developed in to puking by being 'triggered'.

I got diagnosed with PTSD due to the mental abuse by my BPD ex. I am not a professional, but be careful, because you might be heading that way.

Seek help and BE honest.

[Century2012]

Good point. We probably do have PTSD.

I remember when I walked away. I was in such torment.

[Traumatized]

I had it confirmed to me again tonight that my BPDx will not return to me either. It's a harsh reality I've just got to face.

After being triggered yesterday I broke down and texted her.  She didn't respond. Today I cried most of the day. I've never felt more empty, lonely or sad in my entire life.  I called her tonight and she answered.  She hung up on me almost immediely. I called back and when she answered she told me she was in a lot of pain, I'm guessing from pain killer withdrawals. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said NO our relationship is over and not to call her again. Then she hung up on me.  As much I was glad to hear the sound of her voice, it pained me to here those cold heartless words. Clearly she meant what she said and it's truly over. 

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

Badly abused, I remember those days. I might even had them worse as you. I went through hell and forth and my physical reaction to this became so severe that tears developed in to puking by being 'triggered'.

I got diagnosed with PTSD due to the mental abuse by my BPD ex. I am not a professional, but be careful, because you might be heading that way.

Seek help and BE honest.

I'm already there.  I cry so hard I start to vomit.  I've never had that happen to me until I went through the end of this crazy relationship.

And yes I have PTSD.  I am not officially diagnosed with it at the moment, but it's clear to me I have it... .and have had it... .for a long time.  From my research I think it's C-PTSD.

I am brutally honest in therapy.  I try to be honest in general in life as best I can, but in therapy I make sure I am because otherwise what's the point?

[dontknow2]

I need to heal and get her out of my system. Is it odd that I would find it easier to heal if I knew that, yet again, another relationship she has thrown herself into has hit the rocks?

House, I have a serious fear of rejection. So, I figure my desire for my dxBPDh's relationships to fail is me wanting the problem with our relationship to be strictly his fault. As long as he can't have a healthy relationship, then it wasn't something I was lacking (yuck).

Yet, here is some rationality. We are all human, even our ex. So, what is most important for me right now is to FIGHT, I MEAN FIGHT to stay focused on me... .know (or lie to myself temporarily to keep momentum) that I am SOO important that even if I do find harsh realities about myself, I am still an amazing person as a whole deserving of love and a healthy relationship with another amazing person. I have to DROP thinking it has to be my ex... .or I get stuck. I even replace his image with a shadow in my head. Just to bring it back to ME and my needs without my ex. The fact is that I am a very wounded soldier who needs to heal and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Just to note though, it has taken me a very long time just to get here. Thanks for your post.

[HarmKrakow]

I need to heal and get her out of my system. Is it odd that I would find it easier to heal if I knew that, yet again, another relationship she has thrown herself into has hit the rocks?

House, I have a serious fear of rejection. So, I figure my desire for my dxBPDh's relationships to fail is me wanting the problem with our relationship to be strictly his fault. As long as he can't have a healthy relationship, then it wasn't something I was lacking (yuck).

Yet, here is some rationality. We are all human, even our ex. So, what is most important for me right now is to FIGHT, I MEAN FIGHT to stay focused on me... .know (or lie to myself temporarily to keep momentum) that I am SOO important that even if I do find harsh realities about myself, I am still an amazing person as a whole deserving of love and a healthy relationship with another amazing person. I have to DROP thinking it has to be my ex... .or I get stuck. I even replace his image with a shadow in my head. Just to bring it back to ME and my needs without my ex. The fact is that I am a very wounded soldier who needs to heal and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Just to note though, it has taken me a very long time just to get here. Thanks for your post.

But isn't there always a double 'fault' when a r/s breaks? The non will always eventually enable the BPDer ergo a break up happens and a new member comes to bpdfamily.com and the BPDer goes to the next one.

If you talk about rationality, you know it wasn't you lacking something.

[dontknow2]

Harm,

You are right about rationally, the relationship failing having little to do with me. I just realized that my specific interest in wanting my ex to continue to fail in his relationships after me was more about fears about myself. I appreciate you clarifying that.

[starshine]

1) The macrobiotic vegan diet

2) Almost identical love of the same kind of music and things we like to watch

3) Same outlook on life

4) Conspiracy theories

5) Smoking - tobacco and weed

6) Her provocative sexuality

7) Her free-thinking

8) Glorious scatterbrain attitude

Gosh, what a great list.  I want to meet someone that has all these qualities!

(Watch Dan Savage on youtube- search for The Price of Admission.)

That looks like the list I had kinda written prior to getting locked in with my uBPDexbf for 5 years.  I had pretty high standards, and my pals all told me I'd never find someone like that.  He did everything he could to portray every trait on my list.  And he could build a house too!  No tobacco here, and I eventually gave him an ultimatum on alcohol too.  He actually quit drinking for 3 1/2 years. (He fell off the wagon, and you can guess the rest.)  The ex hated it when I would travel, even if it was for continuing education.  He would become vile if he couldn't go, and then pout or freak out when he did accompany me.  And he would go crazy when I went to music festivals- he would spend weeks before my trip devaluing my experience that I hadn't even had yet! Refused to equate his obsessive daily rollerblading for hours with my experience of dancing for hours.  And I only got to 3 or 4 festivals a year, unlike his daily escape.

If you live near a co-op or Whole Foods you could just go hang out for a while and see who wafts by.  I worked at my co-op for 14 years in a mid-sized midwest college town.  With as many interesting healthy people I have met over the years, once I relocate, I bet I will find someone who mostly matches my list. 

My ex started up with another woman within days of breaking up with me.  My world came suddenly to an end and I thought I was going to die.  After a month, I got my garden off his property, and we have had no contact with each other.  Talk about withdrawls!  I sure did want them to fail, and they did (not because I wished it, but because they are both uPD)  They are both miserable people.  I hope they both have the experiences they need to bring them to a place where they want to heal, and they are in a situation where they can do the work.  I doubt this will be the case- hanging out at the bar getting your bad behaviors validated is a full time recreation. 

Your ex may get the book published.  She may get the big house.  She will never have peace of heart and mind. 

You get the time in space to work on you, your own core issues.  I keep reading that as we walk a path of healing,  we attract those to us that will help us serve our highest good.   

[hopealways]

"They are both miserable people.   

Your ex may get the book published.  She may get the big house.  She will never have peace of heart and mind.  "

So very true. They are so miserable inside. Looking back, my BPDx was never happy and she blamed it on others but it was really because she was empty and miserable inside and tried to mask it all with superficial things.  I would often see her staring and gazing in the distance with a blank look on her face.  This stuff rubs off on us nons if we stick around too long.  Glad we ran.

[goldylamont]

firstly, everyone feels the way you do that we want to see them fail in future r/s so that we feel as if our r/s with them is somehow more valid. this feeling will lessen over time.

2nd, you have to take her ass off that pedestal. here is a woman who's sleeping with a married man to further her career. another person on here also posted very wisely that you can't trust anything she's saying to you any way--she knows talking about how amazing the replacement is is painful so saying these things to you was meant to hurt you and punish you more. you can't put much stock in it other than realizing that it's all part of her revenge and decide how much of it you're willing to take.

it hurts, i had to deal with a friend of mine calling my ex a whore, it really hurt but really i had nothing to say about it b/c apparently that's how she's been acting. i know it 'shouldn't' reflect on me and truly i know it doesn't, but, ya know, you try to keep *some* good memories about this person, right? you've got to get her off that pedestal though and realize what these meetings between you two are truly about--she doesn't care about you at all other than to gloat, punish you and boost her own ego. you. deserve. the. world. try your best to not let her hurt you again like that. you will leave yourself open to more pain from her by thinking she has any good or decent intentions for you. she doesn't. sadly this is how they operate. my heart goes out to you, we've all been there and I know you will pull through. get her off that pedestal!

[maxen]

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

hi badly abused. i was where you are not so long ago. i still have the same feeling of numbness and fear. try to keep in touch with as many people as you can, and remember that the posters here all know the feeling. not everybody will because they don't know BPD, but we do.

[123Phoebe]

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

hi badly abused. i was where you are not so long ago. i still have the same feeling of numbness and fear. try to keep in touch with as many people as you can, and remember that the posters here all know the feeling. not everybody will because they don't know BPD, but we do.

I think that a lot of people here at bpdfamily.com can also relate to the feelings of "depression".  We just don't label it as such because we're sometimes so focused outside of ourselves, we don't recognize our own feeling states as actually belonging to us.  We project them out onto the world and onto others thinking (not feeling) that they hold the keys to our wellbeing.

They don't.

It is a choice to put our happiness into the hands of somebody else.  Or not.

[DragoN]

You get the time in space to work on you, your own core issues.  I keep reading that as we walk a path of healing, we attract those to us that will help us serve our highest good.

That is a lovely thought. Thank you Starshine.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi,Thanks for your post.  I am reacting the same way about being replaced... .and it's not from breaking no contact, but just getting information about what he's up to.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't even think twice about comparing myself to someone like the replacement (she seems to have the mental age of a teenager and lots of other unattractive traits)! And on a side note... .I don't know if this is me going crazy, but I feel like he may be influencing her to adopt some traits that I had, or to somehow compete with what I've accomplished... .but again, I guess with these situations its so hard to tell reality from what your mind tries to get you to believe. 

I keep trying to tell myself to get a reality check. Most of the people he frequents tend to have some equally significant emotional problems, and in the past I would not give a second thought, let alone compare myself to people like this, their insecurities are so blatant... .but now I do! It's crazy!

Why do these pwBPD have such a pull on us? I mean... .I got out relatively quickly because he told me right from the start about his diagnosis, but I still feel like I've been sucker punched.  How do they get under our skin like this? What is it about the disorder specifically that gives them the power to milk the heroin from our brains, but to also command it to stop leaving us like drug addicts, dependent on the mood swings of BPD to give us our fix... .or not!

[ucmeicu2]

This woman made me feel alive and that's one of the reasons I'm so addicted to her. Without her I feel completely dead. The whole world seems flavorless to me.  I don't care about anything.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I have no idea how I'm going to move on from this.  It's just too hard.

i am in the same boat.  WOW yes yes yes she made me feel ALIVE in a way that i've never experienced before.  ever.  with anybody. 

sometimes i'm so flippin' flabbergasted at how what is called "a serious mental disorder" ie BPD, could make me ~ and countless others here ~ feel that way. that just doesn't make sense to me!   

is it really truly JUST mental illness, childhood issues, attachment disorders etc etc?  frankly, that seems inconceivable. 

then again, the major alternative runner-up seems a bit inconceivable too: Twin Flames.  anybody heard about that?  i read about it this week ~ watched some videos on youtube by mel and nicole called goldraytwinflames who claim to be twin flames ~ and it seems eerily similar to a r/s w a pwBPD... .   bizarre.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

Spend some time reading the thrills of marriage on the staying board 

If that doesn't scare you and force the Red pill down your throat, I don't know what will. Your feelings and hurt is real and painful. Add a few more years of that crap and you would not be missing her with love in your , but spending time trying to break through trauma and betrayal bonds, along with the delight of cognitive dissonance, which you are struggling with right now. 

<cut>

You know all that stuff about "taking care of yourself"? Do it. Run, train, eat right, exhaust yourself physically so you can sleep at night. Stay busy. Cry when you want, cry when you run whatever it takes. Rewire your brain and the heart will follow.

your 2nd paragraph i quoted that's really excellent advice, IMO.  i want to also say that in the same way we Nons can rewire our brains, so can the pwBPD!

according to a T i spoke with, as well as some things i've read, the work of DBT actually changes the brain, rewires it essentially, repairing it/making it more normal.  according to my source, they have seen the changes in cat scans/brain imaging.  this is indesputable evidence that changes can and do/are occurring in the brain.

i'm not trying to spread undue optimism, and DBT is certainly not a magic bullet *but* it's important to put the facts out there and, according to the experts, DBT does work when applied properly.  it's not just a "band-aid" for a wound, it's actual healing of the wound, so to speak. 

willingness of the pwBPD of course is key and YMMV b/c obviously a DBT course does not and can not come w/a guarantee.  my own xBPDgf did take DBT several yrs before i even met her and she still spiraled downwards into what could be described as almost insanity (fueled, or caused, by mass alcohol consumption).  then again, i cannot say how hard she tried or how much willingness she had to get better... .getting better can be very scary for many folks!

icu2

[PhoenixRising15]

Instead of twin flames, look up karmic relationships.  That's closer to BPD.

Karmic relationships are relationships where basically you enter into to finish unfinished business from a past life (ie childhood)

I found it long ago when I began questioning if daisy was my soulmate, and if she was why things would go this way.

[caughtnreleased]

hmmm karmic relationships really does describe it well. I find that it also presents our whole experience with pwBPD in a very positive light... .ie: we need to learn some hard lessons before we can actually find love, and these BPD relationships are obstacles that when we come out of them, only makes us stronger, and more open to be loved and really love someone else.  Anyway, the way they describe it makes complete sense! thanks for sharing.

[starshine]

It does feel like a karmic relationship, for sure!  Hopefully we are stepping off the relationship wheel with our BPD partners.  I don't want a repeat of that in this lifetime, or any subsequent ones this soul signs up for. 

[ucmeicu2]

questioning faith, unhooked, starshine, (anybody else) do you have a favorite website or author about karmic r/s's?  there sure are an awful lot of them out there ~ reading/wading/sifting through them all ~ hard to know which one's most reliable... .i'm getting tired .

[PhoenixRising15]

I don't have a favorite.  Honestly, I found it during one of my many breakups.  I was googling "do soulmates ever break up and get back together" and all that jazz.

It truly does embody the nature of the relationship with me.

My childhood was a past life.  I had a karmic debt to myself to stand up for myself, love myself, and protect myself.

I paid that debt.  I settled the score with my victim child.  I need to build trust in myself now.  That same trust that I fantasized about rebuilding with her.  All those promises need to be made to myself now.

It's hard work, and its worth it.  I'm worth it.  You're worth it.

[caughtnreleased]

I also don't have a favourite. I read 5 or 6 sites that describe it... .what I retained was:

1.very intense, either positive or negative, relationship - with a magnetic feeling to it

2.very familiar feeling, as if you've already shared a life or childhood together (I know he also had this feeling as he told me my smell reminded him of his childhood... .talk about TRIGGER fest!)

3.the relationship generally ends badly, and cause a great deal of pain.

4.the relationship allows you to confront things about yourself which have hindered you in your personal growth, and in your ability to truly connect and love someone.

5.once you've addressed the issue which the relationships has forced you to address, you are able to move on to a more fulfilling life, with more fulfilling relationships.

6. Most relationships we have in life (romantic, friendship, family, etc) are karmic as we seek out people who perhaps share our "issues" or are complimentary to them as we try and resolve and heal our own wounds, however the more intense the relationships the greater pain you go through and the steeper the learning curve.

I can say that my relationship with my pwBPD turned my world upside down. I felt like I got sucked into a tornado.  It forced me to confront many many things as I experienced so much anxiety, adrenaline, confusion, conflicting emotions, and perhaps most difficult of all, did not recognize myself in all of this.  I'm looking at it all now, and I've probably grown more in 6 months aftermath than I have in (or the aftermath of) any of my longer lasting non BPD relationships. I know myself so much better than I did a year ago... .It's one thing I am grateful for.

[DragoN]

then again, the major alternative runner-up seems a bit inconceivable too: Twin Flames.  anybody heard about that?  i read about it this week ~ watched some videos on youtube by mel and nicole called goldraytwinflames who claim to be twin flames ~ and it seems eerily similar to a r/s w a pwBPD... .   bizarre.

Heard about it, but I put my money on the Gods placing bets on what their pet humans are going to do with Free will.

Or

This dimension is actually a Penal colony for demented souls who didn't get it right the first few times.

*prays* Karma please don't back the bus up, I'm barely crawling as it is.

[Waifed]

It seems to me that the pwBPD uses people from past relationships to bridge the gap between new ones. I think it is as simple as that. You have basically already been permanently devalued but are a safe fallback to temporarily eliminate their loneliness until they find their NEXT true love.

Because this is the case, why subject yourself to further episodes of their insanity?  All you are doing is 100% subjecting yourself to more pain and misery.  It is insanity. No other outcome is possible.

[DragoN]

I'm guessing the God of Chaos makes a killing with each roll of the dice. 

[goldylamont]

It seems to me that the pwBPD uses people from past relationships to bridge the gap between new ones. I think it is as simple as that. You have basically already been permanently devalued but are a safe fallback to temporarily eliminate their loneliness until they find their NEXT true love.

Because this is the case, why subject yourself to further episodes of their insanity?  All you are doing is 100% subjecting yourself to more pain and misery.  It is insanity. No other outcome is possible.

I have to second this notion by Waifed. I think it's moving into dangerous territory by feeling as if we have a cosmic r/s with this person. It sounds romantic, but yeah really after devaluation all they want to do is use you to build up their next "cosmic" relationship. In fact they try to jam down our throats how "cosmic" their next r/s is, when it's just stupid, actually. if our BPDx's were part of a karmic r/s, wouldn't that mean that actually they have like 10, 20, 30, 50? or more of these in their lifetimes with all the people they sleep and fall in "passionate" love with?

[caughtnreleased]

I agree that it's not good to consider these relationships as cosmic.  But if you read about Karma, that is somewhat more accurate. Apparently karma relationships can be painful, every relationship we, they, have are karmic generally speaking.  It essentially boils the relationship down to growing pains... .and the more you resist change, perhaps the more painful it is? just a thought... .

[caughtnreleased]

It seems to me that the pwBPD uses people from past relationships to bridge the gap between new ones.

but generally, as we know, there are no gaps between relationships with pwBPD. Just lots of overlap.  Back and forth, etc.  So they use everyone to bridge the gap... .to nowhere!

I guess that's why it never works out, unless they decide to change and start building a shoreline on the other side. But that takes so much more work

[goldylamont]

It essentially boils the relationship down to growing pains... .and the more you resist change, perhaps the more painful it is? just a thought... .

i definitely vibe with this thought. i feel the more we resist change the more suffering we go through. i was reading somewhere that people only suffer when they perceive that "something isn't right"--and so i am (in this moment  ) focusing my energies on the fact that this past r/s was abusive perhaps, but what's right about it is that i survived it (and pretty proud of how i behaved throughout!) and now i'm free of it. i really want to challenge myself to not resist any changes and welcome whatever is coming next. my suffering now, after this r/s is over, i do feel is linked in some way of feeling wronged, like something is wrong. but really, it's just the way of the world. bad things happen to good people, that's just life. and i'm so thankful for the good things that are happening. so, really, what's "wrong" about it? it was just something that happened... .