What I would say... but I'm not

[Learning2Thrive]

I miss her so much. 

The genuine part of her I saw peeking through from time to time. That innocent, sweet person wanting love and acceptance.

It was fleeting, but exquisite... .in those rare, quiet moments... .the timeless moments when she was mine and I was hers. We both needed each other.

She lied, but I ignored the red flags. Sure I get angry sometimes remembering the bull___.  Mostly, I'm angry at myself for ignoring the red flags.

But REALITY is that I chose her.  And I needed her.  She enabled me to finally realize I am actually worthy of love.  You see, I was... .the baby, child, person that my mother never truly loved.  SHE (my mother)ONLY WANTED/needed me to service her. My job was to bring her attention and adoration--from infancy thru adulthood.  If anyone deviated from the plan and focused any attention on me, there was hell to pay.

My uBPD needed me to survive her own anguish. For nearly 2 years she found a  morsel of relief. I feel good that I gave that to her... .nothing can take that away. I was good and gentle and kind to her. I gave love unconditionally to  her... .even if now I have discovered that I never truly knew her. My heart and my love was genuine based on the information I had and was able to process at the time.

At this moment, I feel so overwhelmingly sad for her.  It's true, she told lies and inflicted horrific pain on me (whether or not she *intended* to hurt me). I was an adult and I made my choices all the way.  I am not responsible for her actions, but I am responsible for mine.  I can see a light in the distance.  But, she is in an endless corkscrew of darkness spiraling out of control. 

So beautiful, so young, so tormented. She has been running from one relationship to another trying to distract herself from her own pain... .getting ever so close to relief, only to panic and run again.  Her choices... .all her life... .have been dangerous.  Ironically, she called me "her danger".

She has suffered deeply and will again, I have no doubt. 

I pray that one day she will have the courage to face her SELF... .and that one day she will make a true, courageous attempt to escape the prison she endures by doing the work and facing the facts (as in the whole truth and reality... .not BPD re-written history).

I wish I could tell her how thankful I am for the time we shared. That she has so much talent and potential. That cutting her body won't change what's inside... .and it only offsets the mental pain in the moment.  That life is short and it truly doesn't have to be this way. I wish it wasn't this way.

I'd tell her that she taught me so much about me.  Even though in the end she cut me to the core and it felt like she left me to die... .she actually delivered me as a naked new born to the rest of my life. I can finally feel again.

Thanks to her, I'm going to heal and I have a chance at a whole life. I have a chance to enjoy a real, healthy love with someone who sees the whole me. 

I'm quite lovable and unforgettable, you know?  She told me that.  She was the first (and only so far) person on the planet that helped me truly *feel* that way. Even if it was only for a fleeting moment, I'll always be grateful for that.

[Lady31]

Wow Learning - that's a beautiful way to look at it and also good that you are taking the positive lessons out of it all for growth.  Sorry you are sad in those thoughts.

There are times when I see my exh - when he's really struggling and feel heartbreak for him.  I held things together while I was there with the business and for his daughter.  Now she is 18 and out of the house and I walked away from the business as to make the divorce easier and just give him the "dream life" he wanted without me in it.  With HIS businesses.  (His opinion of the matter.)

That was hard to do - sometimes it irks me that I was there to help him get her raised and hold the household together all the while building the business to a successful stable profitable state - then to be booted out and told I did nothing.

Even with all that - when I see that things are going to wrong from him it hurts my heart.  It's like I struggled asking God to bring justice and NOT let him succeed after all I did and he discarded me and cut me out (well, I went out willingly but it would have been a nightmare) - and then on the other hand I felt guilty wishing that on him and felt sorry for him when it actually was falling apart at times.

I almost think it would be easier to split.  Splitting allows for being "all in" one mindset and frame of thought.  When you have those conflicting feelings/thoughts and can't split - it's like your frickin' brain starts having spasms.   

[Learning2Thrive]

... .snip... .

I almost think it would be easier to split.  Splitting allows for being "all in" one mindset and frame of thought.  When you have those conflicting feelings/thoughts and can't split - it's like your frickin' brain starts having spasms.   

No doubt, splitting WOULD be easier if all I wanted was to feel better.  I don't just want to *feel* better.  I want to get better.  I want to be whole and healthy, so that means dealing with all of the thoughts and feelings and sorting through my past. 

NC has helped me a great deal.  While I do still miss her, it comes in waves with the waves coming farther and farther apart.  I'm beginning to think more and more about me and what needs to be fixed in me, less and less about what she's doing or who she's with.  I don't need to know.  It doesn't matter.  What matters now to me... .is me.

I've started setting more small personal goals in areas that I used to really enjoy.  For example, I love to swim.  So one goal is to swim 10,000 yards this month.  I run a business, have 2 kids and work a part time job... .so I don't have a lot of free time. I'm at 6,500 so far (I started late).  I should be at 8,000 by the end of tomorrow (we'll see... .). I think it's still doable.  I'm putting in the effort.  I'm seeing improvements in my technique and speed every week.  It feels good to focus on that.

The water (to me) is cleansing, relaxing, powerful and yet serene.  Water doesn't break.

[heartandwhole]

Beautiful post, Learning, thank you for sharing.

Keep doing what you are doing, it's a great model for us. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Thanks Surnia.    I appreciate the encouragement more than you know. 

It helps so much to be able to come here... .to read and share with others who have gone through similar trials. It helps me to realize I'm not Quite so alone on my journey as I thought. Friends and family who've never experienced an intimate relationship with a pwBPD just aren't able to understand. BPD family makes a difference.

[DownandOut]

Thank you Learning. I feel empowered by your post and truly believe that it will get better for all of us.

[Learning2Thrive]

I'm so glad you found my post helpful, DownandOut.

I also believe that those of us who want to get better and are willing to do the work absolutely WILL get better.  And the days will be sweeter than ever.  I'm not all better yet, but I'm better than before.

I swam 2,250 yards today.  Did my fastest 2,000 yards (time) ever.  I'm still not fast, but I'm faster than before. 

[fiddlestix]

Yes, missing the ex does come in waves.  Getting better.  The more time I spend alone, which is not all that bad, the more I realize that I was alone a lot anyway.  I did many things alone (workout, bike, weddings... .).  In the last couple of years she was off running anyway, so I did everything alone.  I guess I miss feeling the hope that things would work out.  Now I am trying to accept that we are done.  Painful, but I feel brave facing it.  A little proud, too. 

Sadly, she is already involved with a new dude... .she usually distracts herself with addictions rather than face pain.  She knows she has BPD (bipolar too).  Maybe one day she will really try to heal. 

Mr. Fiddle