denial/bargaining stage yet again

[thisyoungdad]

Today we finally signed legal separation papers. In that though we got all the settlement papers, child support, parenting plan, everything signed and done. So in 6 months her attorney just files a paper to convert to a dissolution and that is that.

I didn't expect it to be as painful as it was. Yet as the time went on, and it was only like 30 minutes with us all sitting there, it got more painful to me. At the end I just wanted to get the hell out of there fast, especially when the ex was saying how excruciating it has been for her. Besides wanting to shout all kinds of things at her like she choose this, and made this decision to leave so she doesn't get to feel that way. Especially since I will never get even a stupid answer as to why she left, I would almost take a lame reason just so I can at least have a reason. Anyway though so I was so upset and angry especially when her attorney said how she was honored to be part of this and how we showed so much respect for each other and did what was best for each other and our daughter. I wanted to laugh because I felt like she was not on this planet if she had that to say. But the reality is my ex's attorney is a very nice woman. Needless to say I got a very nice long hug from my attorney and didn't say much and bolted. Then I sat in my truck in the parking lot and cried for a while.

As I sat there though at that table with everyone as we signed and I looked at my attorney I remember what she said to me last February. I remember everything about the conversation because she said to me "Hon, why would you want to be with someone who so clearly doesn't want to be with you?" and she knew the ex had BPD and she also knew I was younger and this was my first major relationship and was very sympathetic in how she said it. But she wasn't the first and ultimately not the last to say it.

I guess my point is that as I sat in my truck crying I thought about that, I thought about how toxic my ex is (even is she is a good person deep down which I think she is) in that she can not own anything of her own stuff, can't be honest, can't get help she needs even though she needs it etc. and I wondered to myself why it was so hard to let go of something so toxic. Why does part of me still want her back? Or wish this wasn't happening and feel like it is a nightmare? What is it within me that wants me not to move on or doesn't want me to let go of something so unhealthy? I don't know the answer yet but it was profound for me. Especially because I was struck by the depth of raw emotion that I wasn't expecting.

I am curious what other peoples experiences are with identifying why they wanted to stay, why they did stay, or why they felt it was hard to let go and move on? It would be nice to hear other's experience with this. Thanks.

[DragoN]

struck by the depth of raw emotion that I wasn't expecting

Raw is the word.

Denial is powerful, hope is worse, the addiction is cruel. I have no answers, I am fighting the current still... .

[Accepting]

You've been so brave seeing this through. I feel for you. Yes it's so confusing to understand. .how they break through to our core and are so difficult to extricate.

I hope you take care of yourself and do simple, comforting things. Anything to get you through the next little while.

You sound like such a nice guy and your daughter will benefit from having you in her life, so much.

Hugs for you