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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: She's moved on, I'm stuck  (Read 896 times)
Hidalgo

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« on: October 29, 2013, 07:23:01 PM »

Hi All,

This is my first post (aside from the intro). I've gained a ton of understanding through this forum and want to say from the bottom of my heart, "Thanks." I'm hoping for some insight or clarity regarding my story.

I broke up with a woman several months ago. She actually ended it the final time. I tried to break up with her a couple weeks prior but, like a fool, let her back in. Then there was an incident. She was at a memorial for a friend and texted me about 10pm saying "I need you right now." I immediately texted back "Call me." There was no response. The next day she unloaded on me because I abandoned her in her time of need (she was drunk and needed someone to take care of her).

I suffer from depression and have educated myself extensively on mental illness in general. I told my therapist about her behavior early on, and she told me to end it. She was the one who brought up BPD and said it was a possibility. I didn't understand why, but I always felt this woman was "off" and that I didn't know the backstory. She is 38 and just sort of existing in life: no serious job, moving apartments every year (maybe she lived with exes), barely any possessions, no car. I know it is not right to diagnose someone, but here is a list of some of her behaviors:

Moving way too fast into, "I love you"

Constant suspicion (even thinking I had another family in a different part of town)

Jealous assumptions

Admitted continued coke abuse

Statements like, "I used to have a problem with casual sex"

Breaking up and making up often in the same day. Repeatedly.

Inability to see beyond black and white. It was a constant refrain. There was a belief that she should like everything about me or I was a bad person

Incredibly low self-confidence. Often as soon as 10 minutes after I'd pick her up she would say things like, ":)o you want to just bring me home?" or "I'm not good enough for you"

Desire to have sex on the first date (we met online)

Various outbursts: stomping out of my house after calling me "a bhit" I have no idea of the reason. This was very weird because she came back. I said that name-calling is unacceptable and she should apologize. She couldn't. I kept saying, "just apologize" but she remained silent and slumped against a wall. After 15 minutes or so she finally relented.

Tons of PSAs - intense at first but tapering off within a couple months.

Hatred towards her mother who cheated on her Dad. Her mother also bought her a car when she was in her mid twenties and just told her to drive away and find a life.

I have been battling depression most of my life. I can generally control it, but with breakups it's much harder. I've been in a tailspin. I've totally screwed up by contacting her a couple times over the last five months. Basically thanking her for loving me and putting up with my eccentricities. (I know, I'm a moron). There was no response. Call me lucky, but I have always remained friends with ex-girlfriends - at least on some level. I should have known that was impossible for her because she mentioned that she never remains friends.

Anyway, last week was really tough - even though it's been five months. In a total moment of weakness I emailed her a bit of an angry note. Mainly saying that her issues affected me deeply and I hope she doesn't put anyone else through it. It was a mistake. She responded saying she is happy and in love. She then responded again later in the day bringing up past issues that painted me as a bad boyfriend (including abandoning her at the memorial - even though we talked about it several times. I even apologized, for what I have no idea). I find it interesting that she ignored the positive emails yet responded to this negative one.

I certainly do not begrudge her being in a new relationship, it's been 5 months after all. It's upsetting that I still feel horrible and she was able to move on, but that's life.

I'm just posting this to get it all out. I'm so confused because my rational mind knows the whole thing was a disaster, yet I miss aspects of the relationship. I can't keep my thoughts straight and I keep slipping back. I should also mention that this happened two months after I got out of a 2-year relationship that lacked passion, compliments, etc. That breakup was entirely civil. Then I met this new person two months later. It felt immediately comfortable and magical. I felt like a kid again. She continually complimented me. But again, in the back of my mind I knew there was a backstory I was unaware of.

So basically I'm asking for advice. How can I truly heal? Why am I so deeply affected by all of this?

Thank you.
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musicfan42
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2013, 07:56:08 PM »

Hi Hidalgo,

 Welcome

It's great that you're finding the forum helpful.

I can relate to parts of your story. I suffer from depression too so I also know a lot about mental illness. You say that you generally can control it but that you find relationship break-ups to be a trigger. I'm the exact same-the feelings of sadness and loss hit me hard.

You ask how you can truly heal from this relationship break-up. I notice that you use some negative self-talk in your post. You address yourself as a "fool" and "a moron". I think these are pretty harsh, judgmental terms to use. Self-compassion is a topic that comes up a lot here in the forum-treat yourself like your best friend. Smiling (click to insert in post) Your best friend would say that it's unfortunate that the relationship didn't work out-that it's not your fault. That your feelings right now are normal and understandable.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 05:04:42 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
Hidalgo

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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2013, 08:05:43 PM »

Thanks so much. You're right about the negative self talk. Always have to watch out for that.
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fakename
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2013, 08:19:26 PM »

@Hidalgo,

what helped me a lot when i first came to these boards was reading all the posts from the member "2010"... .i cant emphasize how great they were in helping me to understand, which was a key to my recovery... .

there are also some other great posters on here... .havent been here in a while so will have to search around to remember their names... .but 2010 is def a great place to start... .
« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 05:05:06 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
musicfan42
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2013, 08:26:53 PM »

You're welcome Hidalgo Smiling (click to insert in post) I know that a relationship breakup with a pwBPD (person with BPD) can be challenging to say the least. I guess my point was not to blame yourself... .to cut yourself some slack. You can only take responsibility for your own actions and it's up to your ex-girlfriend to take responsibility for hers.

I think that your ex-girlfriend didn't reply to the nice messages that you sent her because they were essentially an ego boost for her-what she wanted to hear. She replied to your angry note because she was infuriated by it. It wasn't what she wanted to hear at all.

« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 05:05:31 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
fakename
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2013, 08:27:54 PM »

"schwing" was also great posteri enjoyed reading

and then also just from me posting a lot in the beginning and getting thoughts/guidance/shared stories etc from everyone else was just incredibly helpful... .posting was very important for me... .

also helpful was just focusing on my own forwards steps on a day to day basis... no matter how depressed i was, i would really force myself to do things like exercise on a day to day basis... .(this was good short-term cause it naturally releases endorphins though i would still be really down, and also good long-term cause i would get excited after a couple months when i could see the results)... .i would take moments to be proud of any progress and remember to pat myself on the back... .

understanding the disorder was also huge for me as it allowed me to put things in context and realize what happened in our relationship... .(which is why the workshops and the 2 posters i recommended were great for me)... .

and then lastly, off the top of my head, time and just treating myself as well as i treated her and learning and working out my own issues were important... .

not stalking her or anything like that also helped... .but its important to implement many things when taking forward steps cause you build a foundation with more than one pillar... .maybe one day one of those pillars isn't as strong- so rather than sink into a deep depression you can see you have all those other pillars in place to keep you up, and slowly those pillars grow stronger and also slowly you can start building above the foundation... .just remember not to be too hard on yourself and take moments to be proud of your progress... .
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fakename
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2013, 08:29:52 PM »

oh yeah, something that helped me a lot - i read somewhere on here to stop trying to figure out what is going on in their head... .its just chaos in there and you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to understand or justify their decisions/actions... .

i tried to understand the disorder and that was eventually enough for me... .trying to get inside her head and understand her motives was causing me way too much stress
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fiddlestix
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2013, 08:48:57 PM »

Hidalgo, hey my friend!  You are showing signs of healing already simply by having the courage to be here, realizing your pain, your part in it, and the need to heal.  Your BPD ex may not even dare admit she needs help.  So she has "moved on" rather than stop, reflect and begin the hard work of change and growth.

It may seem that she has moved on.  Remember, however, being in a new relationship and "in love" does NOT mean growth.  It is very likely that she will repeat the same pattern with the new guy: compliment him for a while... .then get annoyed with him and begin tearing him down... .then find a new guy and toss him aside.  It seems like you are stuck because you are in the midst of very difficult and painful self reflection.  You are poised for growth and change if you remain in the pain and not run from it.  

Try this metaphor about cars:

two cars are breaking down, running poorly, inefficient.  Both cars are still able to get around and move from place to place, but with great effort.  One of the cars makes its way into the shop for a serious tune-up and rebuilding.  The other car keeps on chugging along, "moving on."  That car is still getting around, but very poorly.  It maybe got a wax job and a cleaning and looks pretty good.  But it still runs poorly.  The car in the shop has its hood up.  It is being rebuilt, slowly, carefully, but properly.  It looks out the shop window and sees the other car drive by.  It gets a little resentful because the other car is "out there, moving on."  

But, after much hard, dedicated work, that car will emerge from the garage rebuilt, stronger than before, filled with fresh oil and life.  Now this car gets around with a confidence, efficiency and yes, joy, that it never knew.  As for the other car?  The rebuilt car doesn't give it much thought, for it now has places to go, things to see... .and an abundance of energy and vigor to get there.  

Which car do you want to be buddy?  Smiling (click to insert in post)  

Stay with us,

Fiddle

« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 05:05:53 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
musicfan42
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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2013, 08:57:43 PM »

Omg I really like that metaphor about the cars fiddlestix Smiling (click to insert in post)
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fiddlestix
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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2013, 08:58:00 PM »

By the way, I am currently "in the shop" getting an overhaul.  I see my ex wife buzzing around town with her new man.  It hurts like f*%king hell.  But I know I am doing the right thing staying single for a while and digging in to my issues.  One day I will rock hard again.  

Fiddle

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fakename
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« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2013, 09:03:49 PM »

Awesome metaphor fiddle.  Inspirational. Haha I do believe you'll rock hard again. And I'll be doing the same

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Supernova9star

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« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2013, 09:52:57 PM »

As will I. The road less traveled for me.
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fakename
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« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2013, 10:02:03 PM »

Forgot to mention. Clearmind also has great posts.

There's so many people that will help you and to learn from. I was very active when I first came here. Been away for a few months but felt it would be healthy to revisit for a while. Especially when I learned she's now with a 26 yr old with two kid from different moms. And she's 35. Whom she fell in love with after not even a week. That just bothered me a bit I think. Or it did something. Not sure what yet
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fiddlestix
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« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2013, 10:45:09 PM »

Yea, my ex is drawn to the young guys too.  Her new guy is 14 years younger than her. She is almost 48 and he is 33.  No doubt her ego is feasting heartily on that.  Whatever... .have at it lady LOL.

Apparently, there are "Freudian" explanations for her attraction to the young bucks.  As a young girl and teen, she was raped and abused by dudes in their late teens and twenties.  Subconsciously, as the theory goes, she is trying to "correct" the past by now being the older person in power.  As the older woman, she can now seduce and control the young guy.  I kind of accept this theory.  In fact, I know that when she was in her early forties, she was sleeping with 18, 19 year old kids.  I even suspect younger boys fell into her bed.  Very, very sick. 

Funny thing, I am almost 48.  I run, bike, lift... .  I am in better shape than most of the young losers she beds down with.  Just sayin'.  LOL

Fiddle
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GreenMango
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« Reply #14 on: October 29, 2013, 11:19:01 PM »

Hidalgo so sorry to hear this.  Your therapist sounds like they have your best interests at heart.  That's important.  And you aren't alone in getting depressed from this.  It's pretty common and about 20% of the membership here go thru it ... .So you are good hands.

How are things with your friends family? Good support?

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letmeout
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« Reply #15 on: October 29, 2013, 11:51:05 PM »

I loved the metaphor about the cars! I'm still in the shop myself getting an overhaul.
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Hidalgo

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« Reply #16 on: October 29, 2013, 11:54:28 PM »

Thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. I'm moving on!
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saw_tooth
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« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2013, 06:11:17 PM »

Hidalgo,



Entering into and staying in a not so whole relationship despite the constant abuse points to a a shaky foundation and self esteem issues.It felt too good to be true initially because she was mirroring you which resulted in instant validation and a boost to the self-esteem.You stayed and endured the abuse because she,with her mirroring,albeit temporarily,had mad you feel whole.You wanted to feel that wholeness again and again even though it was laced with abuse.

Quite a few times,people enter a relationship with the flawed premonition that my partners love will 'complete me'.That it will make me whole and fill the void inside of me.That it will bring me happiness that I have always craved.

What one needs to understand is that wholeness has to be present on the inside like a foundation for true love to develop and sustain.The role of love is not to cement a persons emotional fractures but to build upon a strong foundation.

Do not try to rationalize her behavior or beat yourself about it.Focus on your healing and with the assistance of your T which will help you become 'whole'.

Good luck.

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saw_tooth
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« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2013, 06:15:00 PM »

You're right about the negative self talk. Always have to watch out for that.

Your speech will reflect what you feel on the inside.If you see yourself in negative light,you will definitely use derogatory words to describe yourself.

Hence,'watching out' will not really help.What will help though is learning to love yourself.This will take time and work which I'm sure you will put in.

Good luck.
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