Having a bad day - need encouragement please...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After going to all the trouble of using a website/keyword blocker, what did I go and do?

Borrow my neighbour's laptop so I could see what my ex was up to regarding her research, etc... .

What am I doing?

What prompted it was the constant thoughts about her today - more so than usual as it happens.

I'm being nagged by my inner self - it's telling me that I need to keep tabs on her and the new Mr X, how wonderfully happy they are being together, etc...

I was hoping (not that it would be 'advertised' as such), that they had hit a rocky patch and the devaluation will have started.

Of course, I couldn't find any confirmation. But what I did find was something that she had posted about the dread of isolation and loneliness. I remembered her saying to me once whilst we were together that she would come home from work, and just go to bed because of the loneliness. I wonder why she wouldn't just call me and invite me round (we live only 3 miles apart). Because I'd already become devalued, maybe?

If and when the new Mr X gets too close, and she pushes him away because of her fear of attachment, isn't that counter to her fear of isolation and loneliness?

Especially as they will move in together, so she will not be lonely or feel isolated.

I'm just a bit confused about this.

Confirmation Required

These past few days, I've been hoping that the relationship with the new Mr X will, after time, break up because of her fear of attachment.

Yes, I want it to fail!

Will it break up DESPITE everything that he's bringing to the table, and that (three weeks ago at any rate) was madly in love with him and how he can help her get published with her research?

HoS is confused today 

[houseofswans]

After going to all the trouble of using a website/keyword blocker, what did I go and do?

Borrow my neighbour's laptop so I could see what my ex was up to regarding her research, etc... .

What am I doing?

What prompted it was the constant thoughts about her today - more so than usual as it happens.

I'm being nagged by my inner self - it's telling me that I need to keep tabs on her and the new Mr X, how wonderfully happy they are being together, etc...

I was hoping (not that it would be 'advertised' as such), that they had hit a rocky patch and the devaluation will have started.

Of course, I couldn't find any confirmation. But what I did find was something that she had posted about the dread of isolation and loneliness. I remembered her saying to me once whilst we were together that she would come home from work, and just go to bed because of the loneliness. I wonder why she wouldn't just call me and invite me round (we live only 3 miles apart). Because I'd already become devalued, maybe?

If and when the new Mr X gets too close, and she pushes him away because of her fear of attachment, isn't that counter to her fear of isolation and loneliness?

Especially as they will move in together, so she will not be lonely or feel isolated.

I'm just a bit confused about this.

Confirmation Required

These past few days, I've been hoping that the relationship with the new Mr X will, after time, break up because of her fear of attachment.

Yes, I want it to fail!

Will it break up DESPITE everything that he's bringing to the table, and that (three weeks ago at any rate) was madly in love with him and how he can help her get published with her research?

HoS is confused today 

[Turkish]

You can look at it like this, HoS:

It will break up. That's her pattern. You could take solace in that.

It might not break up for quite a long time. Then where will you be, still letting the memory of her "rent space" in your head?

I am kind of where you are at. Mine is still in my house. Going out to a party tonight after we put the kids to bed. I defriended her last week on FB because I was sick of seeing the subtle BS she was posting on FB, like she is moving on and growing and seeking affirmation that what she was doing was ok. A few on her "side" do know she cheated... .while I stayed home at night with our kids, not as many know that. The others that affirm and validate the BS she posts, well, I just couldn't take it anymore.

Just yesterday and also this morning, I thought about creating a new FB account and friending someone on my side in confidence whom I know I could trust... .just to check what she is posting now (I know nothing about new guy(s) until she is out of my house... .she doesn't think of me *that* poorly, yet... .).

But what would that do for me? Better the pain of what I don't know, then the pain that would be in my face. And I would keep going back to it, like a dog to its vomit (I prefer to think of her pattern of unstable relationships as that way).

It sucks to move on. We are not like them. We are whole human beings.

They stomped on us and wiped us off on the bottom of our shoes like dog !@#. We can no longer do that to them, if we wanted to, but we can do it in our minds. It is hard, I know. Yesterday I felt pretty good. But today I am slipping into depression again.

[PhoenixRising15]

One thing that has helped me recently is the thought, "who cares if she doesn't break up with this next guy?"

I know who mine was - a lying, drug addict, cheater.  Those are three things that I don't need around me.

Not to mention the bulimia, selfish sex life, yelling, hitting, etc.

If she doesn't break up with him, I can make up all sorts of stories in my head about how hes so much better, richer, etc etc.  But ultimately, it just doesn't matter.

She is not the type of person I want, objectively.  Not my ideal version of her, but the real version.  I actually don't even want to be anywhere near her, have conversation with her, or look at her.  She grosses me out.

Think about the worst thing your pwBPD did.  Then realize they lie all the time, so it was probably worse than whatever they said.

Ask yourself, if you had no history, but all you were told was that one thing, would you even bother speaking with this person?

I'd avoid her like the plague.  To put it bluntly, I wouldn't F her with someone else's D.

[houseofswans]

Thanks, Turkish.

I've just got back from my GP, asking him to refer me for therapy. He's OK with that, trouble is that it's a 3 month waiting list.

Still, at least I know that I can get some therapy FOC without having to worry about trying to get through this on my own (and the forum) whilst being long-term unemployed and not able to pay for private therapy.

No, I don't want her to rent space in my head any longer than necessary.

Some days I hate her, other days I want her back (despite knowing what would happen)  

If I could only be sure that they will split up at some point... .

[houseofswans]

Then realize they lie all the time, so it was probably worse than whatever they said.

Yes, I was thinking about the lying on the way home from seeing the GP.

It happened too often... .

[Ironmanrises]

House... .

I can understand... .

You wanting the new relationship to fail... .

So that it gives you the validation... .

That it wasn't you.

You are seeking that validation... .

Because she was invalidating you... .

During devaluation.

This is where... .

Radical Acceptance... .

Comes into play.

You have to try and accept... .

That she is disordered.

Her disorder... .

BPD... .

Will not disappear... .

Because she is with a new person.

Sure... .

It may not express itself... .

In the beginning... .

Or at least... .

In the way... .

That is really visible... .

To us.

That only happens... .

In devaluation.

Her disorder... .

Will spring forth... .

Once again... .

When the trigger day... .

Occurs with the new person.

And she will do to him... .

What she did to the guy before him... .

And what she did... .

To you.

Again... .

And again.

It is a pattern of behavior.

I know it is not easy... .

To understand... .

Let alone accept.

I still struggle with this myself... .

And I am 3.75 months NC.

It would be very easy for me... .

To tell myself... .

F*ck it she is an a$$hole... .

And what not.

But I know... .

She isn't.

She has a mental disorder.

And it was present... .

Before I came along... .

And was present... .

When she was with me... .

Logic dictates... .

It will be present... .

After me as well.

That is... .

Radical Acceptance.

Keep posting on here friend.

You know... .

We know your pain.

We know it... .

Far too well.

It hurts.

Hang in there.

[houseofswans]

Thank you my friend Ironman - I always appreciate your comments to my hopes and fears.