The Truth that is a hard pill to swallow

[samthewiss]

I am in therapy, it help a lot. I am having a hard time accepting the following truths:

1. "She really has BPD" - I was told by our therapist that she has BPD. However,she is convincing that when i was with her i believed the lies. I also now have a hard time accepting it.

2. "There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

[HarmKrakow]

I am in therapy, it help a lot. I am having a hard time accepting the following truths:

1. "She really has BPD" - I was told by our therapist that she has BPD. However,she is convincing that when i was with her i believed the lies. I also now have a hard time accepting it.

2. "There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

1) if she has BPD, 2) then you couldn't have done anything to save it. 3) and she will do much more destroying

The question is, why don't you believe it? Is it hard to believe if someone killed 4 children and has no remorse is a non empathic psychopath?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, that is a hard pill to swallow, the hardest one for me: the person I was the closest too, intimate with, the one I spoke with the most and the most often, has a serious mental illness. And I didn't know it when I was in it.  What does that say about me?  They call it radical acceptance around here, and it is radical, it took me a while and was very sobering, like what the hell?  Much digging required to untangle that, which is the good news, eventually.

"There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

Security isn't what she needed, what she needed, what her disorder needed, was a scapegoat.  The only way a borderline can make any sense of the way they think, soothe themselves at all, is to have a scapegoat to project onto, and you were it.  You're probably a kindhearted soul, like me, who wants to be helpful and loving, we're the ones with targets painted on our backs to borderlines, and combine that with the way she probably blamed you for everything, and it's easy to make it your fault.  :)on't do that!  We can't fix it, they can't fix it, and even specialized long-term therapy can only take the edge off, and most times doesn't work.  It wasn't you!

[HarmKrakow]

Yes, that is a hard pill to swallow, the hardest one for me: the person I was the closest too, intimate with, the one I spoke with the most and the most often, has a serious mental illness. And I didn't know it when I was in it.  What does that say about me?  They call it radical acceptance around here, and it is radical, it took me a while and was very sobering, like what the hell?  Much digging required to untangle that, which is the good news, eventually.

"There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

Security isn't what she needed, what she needed, what her disorder needed, was a scapegoat.  The only way a borderline can make any sense of the way they think, soothe themselves at all, is to have a scapegoat to project onto, and you were it.  You're probably a kindhearted soul, like me, who wants to be helpful and loving, we're the ones with targets painted on our backs to borderlines, and combine that with the way she probably blamed you for everything, and it's easy to make it your fault.  :)on't do that!  We can't fix it, they can't fix it, and even specialized long-term therapy can only take the edge off, and most times doesn't work.  It wasn't you!

Biologically it makes sense that you don't realize she is mentally ill.

[winston72]

It is hard for me to fully digest.  I "believe" it, but I still am working to fully accept it. 

In my case, I was so enmeshed in her and what I thought our relationship was that it is very hard to construct a new narrative.  It is a major rewrite of history and of my feelings about my history... .my inner world.  That does not happen easily or quickly.  And, it involves me admitting that I was just plain wrong about some things.

Also, I have some strong denial mechanisms from my upbringing that have served me throughout my adult life.  These include compartmentalizing and rejecting my own feelings.  And now I have to engage these mechanisms?  Ugh.  It is a lot of work.  Much easier to revert to form, believe she was a "good enough" fit, and know that I can repress my hurt long enough to make it all work out!  Ta da!  Like it always has... .or really has not. 

Hence the name of this web site... .bpdfamily.com.  And, the key facts are not really about her, although those are essential facts.  The key facts are about me, how this relationship really made me feel, my need to tap into my own feelings about what I want and need and admit to the ways that this old relationship did not work. 

[ThanksForPlaying]

1. "She really has BPD" - I was told by our therapist that she has BPD. However,she is convincing that when i was with her i believed the lies. I also now have a hard time accepting it.

A true BPD diagnosis can be validating, but it doesn't change what happened - a more interesting question is why do we care so much about the diagnosis?

2. "There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

She was mean.  The meanness itself should be all you need to respect yourself and get out, whether or not it's BPD.

I'm asking the same questions you are, I just feel like maybe if I type in these "wise" answers, I'll take them to heart myself.  Hang in there.

[Surnia]

Samthewiss

Doing something better in hindsight - I am soo familiar with it. In my shattered marriage and in many other life situations.

Its a script in me from very old days. And now I think it is just not fair to treat myself like this. We often know better afterwards, in hindsight we think we are wiser. Life is often acting without having all facts or informations.

My approach is now: I did the best I could in this situation in the past.

And I think about what I would change next time, for example in my case: if I fall in love again I will call my T. 

[hopealways]

Sam, you are so strong for continuing therapy and facing these facts head on. I applaud you.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey sam, I can see you're questioning yourself and of course are hurting. That's okay, that's just how you're feeling right now.  

I've said it a number of times to other people here that are wondering about how to change their partner or make their relationship work the way they want it to that they should read about "radical acceptance" on the Staying board. But the truth is we also need to practice "radical acceptance" on the Leaving board too. And the heart of that acceptance is understanding that no matter what we learn about BPD, no matter how good we get at the communication tools, no matter how much we love(d) our BPD partners, the only person who you have control of is yourself and no one else. You cannot make her love you or stay with you no matter how hard you try or how much you love her. Everybody has a lifetime of learned behaviors that are often dysfunctional or keep us from experiencing life to the fullest, this is not limited to just pwBPD.

I have a question for you, sam. You say that a trained professional says your ex-wife has BPD. And I'm guessing you've read about BPD and understand some of the ways pwBPD perceive the world and people around them as well as how one of the main symptoms is chaotic interpersonal relationships. So knowing all of this, why do you take all the responsibility on yourself? In a troubled relationship between two people who are not mentally ill, each person may shoulder about 50% of the responsibility/blame. Now throw in a partner who has BPD and is almost incapable of having a healthy adult relationship, why do you think the burden of responsibility shifts 100% to you? An analogy is like playing doubles tennis with a partner who is in a wheelchair, and then when you lose, instead of recognizing your team was at a terrible almost unsurmountable disadvantage because your partner is in a wheelchair, you say that only if you'd worked harder then you could've won. Maybe the only place you can take the blame is that you believed you had a chance of winning even though your partner is wheelchair bound -- which is unrealistic.

There is a reason you feel the way you do, and when you discover why that can often be the first step in healing. Best wishes to you on this journey, sam.  

[Changingman]

Add a mother uBPD, an xwife uBPD all I escaped from physically then have a 4 year RS with a really sexy drunk uBPD who hid really well. Lord, all different flavours of crazy. But all abusive in the same way. Need to sort out a lot. Good luck stay away from crazy.

[happylogist]

Hi samthewiss

I think it would help if you rearrange your thoughts, having 2 as 1, and 1 as 2. On a short-term it is easy to "scapegoat" everything on BPD as an illness, or worse a BPD person - as a horrible human being. I think many people at the initial stages go through it, but then realize that it is not helping at all, since it affects horribly their self -image (how could I not see it?), in a long-term also a good ground for feeling guilty for not understanding and not validating, because if you are not a strong NPD - it is logical to revisit the situations once again and try to see whether all you did was right. I struggled for three months with all of this... .

What I find helpful for me - is to "remove" BPD from the equation and focus on my relationship.  Did I receive the support and love I promised to? No. Did I try my best to give all my love? I think yes, though maybe I did not act always in a right way, but overall he felt and never doubted. Was there any other solution to the situation? Yes, but it required for both of us to commit for personal growth and working on our relationship. Did it happen? No. Did it happen because of me? Partly yes, I think I could have been more validating in expressing my desires, rather waiting for changes to happen and showing my emotions when it was late. But even though it was a bit late I managed to express everything without making him feel guilty as much as I could. I did a lot to show him once again that I would be there for him.  Did he act on that? No, he chose to leave. If I try again and think and feel everything once again - do I believe that things will be different this time? I do not, I tried before and realized that it is him who needs to suggest changes.  Now I am in doubt, I lost my faith in him. Does it hurt? Yes, it does a lot. Do I fantasize about a miracle? Sometimes I do... .

The questions could be different depending on the situation, but it is important to look from that point.

[samthewiss]

It is hard for me to fully digest.  I "believe" it, but I still am working to fully accept it. 

In my case, I was so enmeshed in her and what I thought our relationship was that it is very hard to construct a new narrative.  It is a major rewrite of history and of my feelings about my history... .my inner world.  That does not happen easily or quickly.  And, it involves me admitting that I was just plain wrong about some things.

Also, I have some strong denial mechanisms from my upbringing that have served me throughout my adult life.  These include compartmentalizing and rejecting my own feelings.  And now I have to engage these mechanisms?  Ugh.  It is a lot of work.  Much easier to revert to form, believe she was a "good enough" fit, and know that I can repress my hurt long enough to make it all work out!  Ta da!  Like it always has... .or really has not. 

Hence the name of this web site... .bpdfamily.com.  And, the key facts are not really about her, although those are essential facts.  The key facts are about me, how this relationship really made me feel, my need to tap into my own feelings about what I want and need and admit to the ways that this old relationship did not work. 

so true. I need to accept it.

[Waifed]

I am in therapy, it help a lot. I am having a hard time accepting the following truths:

1. "She really has BPD" - I was told by our therapist that she has BPD. However,she is convincing that when i was with her i believed the lies. I also now have a hard time accepting it.

2. "There is nothing i could have done to save the marriage, she would have acted this way with anyone she married".    Somehow, i believe that if only i was a better husband, a better person, knew the right words to say, i could have given her the security she needed to not be so mean.

Sam,

Don't beat yourself up.  You are a good person.  Unfortunately many of us on this site have codependent type personalities that make us fixers.  We are willing to go down with a sinking ship if we are not sure everyone else is off.  You didn't cause her BPD and there is absolutely nothing you could have done to cure it.  That is what makes this so difficult.  Fortunately the fact that you can not cure it will pay dividends as you progress through the healing stages.  Hang in there.

[ugghh]

Sam,

Keep at it with your therapist.   The one thing you can control is what you do to help yourself.

Regarding your statements

1) In some ways you are much more fortunate (if that term can even be used around this dreadful disease) in that you have had an outside professional confirm the diagnosis.  Many of us struggle with SO who are unwilling to be honest enough for a therapist to see the truth.    Hopefully you trust your counselor enough to view them like the doctor who has told you that you have a kidney stone.  It doesn't mean you did anything to cause it, but that doesn't make it less painful.

2) I struggle every day with the "what else should I have done."   Yes I am a fixer.  Unfortunately your are trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in the bottom.  Unless she is willing to at least stick her finger in the hole, the water will never rise.  I suspect as your therapy continues you will find that many others in your life see the goodness in you, but held their tongue out of respect for your effort.

[samthewiss]

Thank you all. I know you are right. Time and understanding and being kind to myself will win out.