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Author Topic: I loved someone who doesn't exist...  (Read 410 times)
BuildingFromScratch
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« on: November 30, 2013, 12:00:03 AM »

Maybe it's normal to be in denial and diluted when you're in love. I don't really know. But I always believed who she was in the idealization phase was who she actually is, and that I had just royally messed up. Until recently, now I'm putting the pieces together and realizing who she is, it's much more dark than I ever imagined. And I keep thinking, can I love the dark and yet beautiful person who did so many nice and horrible things to me? Did I do her a dis-service by taking the blame too much, because now it is probably even easier for her to justify the way she acts towards people? Can we really love people, if we don't see them for who they are, and instead see them for who we want them to be for us? I must say, I was fooled, but all the signs were there. I was to just too needy to see reality.

I literally put all the care I had available in my soul, into one thing, her. And I came up empty. I think the path out for me now is to use the passion and pain and love I have for her to benefit myself. Because I can't find myself unless I look for her first. It's sad, but I have to build a relationship with someone, gone, married and who hurt me so bad. Just to find a way to love myself. I can't make all this care I put into something mean nothing. It has to mean something good. That doesn't mean giving her trust she hasn't earned, or begging for her to come back or even having her in my life at all. But it can't just be hatred and outrage and one huge mistake. She has done some good things for me and I know she suffers and loses and regrets just like all of us.

All this being said, I'm in a huge hole emotionally and I may visit a Buddhism Temple soon. I need to learn to love and accept myself somehow. Sigh, this is a long road for me. Twelve years of my life... .it all seems like yesterday too.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2013, 12:28:19 AM »

I loved someone who doesn't exist, and yet does. The cruel paradox of having fallen in love with a pwBPD. I can relate to much of what you wrote, i had no idea of who she really was, until the tail end/discard of round 1. I was friends with her for years, prior to that. And i only knew the facet of her that she wanted me to see. I saw the dark side of her as an explosion in round 1. In round 2, i saw all of that dark other side, and everything leading up to, during, and the final death throes of round 2. I know you are hurting. The long road you refer to, we all walk with you. Hang in there Superior.
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Changingman
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« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2013, 01:20:42 AM »

For me it makes it easier that it was smoke and mirrors. That a needy, chaotic girl was playing life and love. Like a 6 year old?

My BPDxgf wore the left overcoat of my xgf ( who I love and still talk to ) for some months, a wolf in sheeps clothing... .literally.

Do I feel some empathy for her, now I'm out 4 months, yes it's starting to come back. Do I feel that chaotic emotional engulfment they are so good at? Not so much, I'm feeling lots of things that are not to do with her now. I'm healthier and happier going forward.

That 'on the brink' quality that defined the relationship was her/not her.

Fairytale love at the beginning then happy never after.

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Perfidy
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« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2013, 11:36:17 AM »

Hey SO... I can understand your suffering... Buddhism has much insight and can be so helpful because its all about self awareness. My belief at this point with respect to pwBPD is that we fell in love with ourselves. Our partners reflected back to us what they saw in us. They showed us what we wanted to see as a result of their own lack of identity. They had no solid core personality of their own so they mirrored us to the fullest. That is what we fell in love with. When the facade breaks apart and the betrayal happens the full ugliness is revealed. It's sickening. What gave us so much gratification is now poison and that is exactly how I treat it. Like poison... Stay away.
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TakingWingAtLast
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« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2013, 01:10:40 PM »

SuperiorOutlook,

Wow.  Your note blew me away!  Yes, we did do a disservice to them by taking the blame too much.  Because you wanted to make it work, you took the blame that you could.  Probably more than you should have.  And now it's being used against you in the b/u.   I was in this for 8 years.   I really feel your loss.

You are having a good dialogue about it though.  Kudos for seeing the truth of it all.  And now, like me, take time to heal and make the life you deserve.  You'll be far better on the other side of it.

I am thinking of you as you move through it!   I agree with Perfidy about the emphasis on self awareness aspect in Buddhism.

Be strong!  We are with you.

D

Maybe it's normal to be in denial and diluted when you're in love. I don't really know. But I always believed who she was in the idealization phase was who she actually is, and that I had just royally messed up. Until recently, now I'm putting the pieces together and realizing who she is, it's much more dark than I ever imagined. And I keep thinking, can I love the dark and yet beautiful person who did so many nice and horrible things to me? Did I do her a dis-service by taking the blame too much, because now it is probably even easier for her to justify the way she acts towards people? Can we really love people, if we don't see them for who they are, and instead see them for who we want them to be for us? I must say, I was fooled, but all the signs were there. I was to just too needy to see reality.

I literally put all the care I had available in my soul, into one thing, her. And I came up empty. I think the path out for me now is to use the passion and pain and love I have for her to benefit myself. Because I can't find myself unless I look for her first. It's sad, but I have to build a relationship with someone, gone, married and who hurt me so bad. Just to find a way to love myself. I can't make all this care I put into something mean nothing. It has to mean something good. That doesn't mean giving her trust she hasn't earned, or begging for her to come back or even having her in my life at all. But it can't just be hatred and outrage and one huge mistake. She has done some good things for me and I know she suffers and loses and regrets just like all of us.

All this being said, I'm in a huge hole emotionally and I may visit a Buddhism Temple soon. I need to learn to love and accept myself somehow. Sigh, this is a long road for me. Twelve years of my life... .it all seems like yesterday too.

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redkong
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« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2013, 02:34:56 PM »

SO, I can totally relate to what you're describing.  In my case, I got to know my ex pwBPD online.  At firsy we exchanged lengthy emails, and later she gave me a link to her blog.  I started to fall in love with this person who was self-aware, grounded, emotionally intelligent and mature, etc.  She presented this way to me, and she continues to do so for all the people following her blog. 

In real life, in person, the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist.  I understand that in close relationships we often see sides of people the don't show in public - we get the real deal.  However, this is usually all still pretty consistent within a personality.  No, I found almost the exact opposite - a hypocrite at the very least.  I felt totally duped.

What makes it extra hard is the fake online persona continues.  She can be railing at me via phone or text messages one minute and posting a calm insightful blog post the next.  What the heck?

I agree with you - turn your passion and compassion toward yourself.  You deserve it, and you'll emerge from this experience all the stronger for it.  You might indeed find some solace in Buddhist teachings.  Not sure if you already have background here, but some principles have helped me a lot.

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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2013, 02:51:06 PM »

What makes it extra hard is the fake online persona continues.  She can be railing at me via phone or text messages one minute and posting a calm insightful blog post the next.  What the heck?


It was the same with mine, instead of a blog, that calm insightful bullsh¥t was posted on fb/IG. That fake persona being exhibited, that is the Janus-faced entity. When I witnessed all of this, I wondered where my original person, the one dating back to friendship, disappeared to. I still wonder to this day. My friend of years, was not the person I experienced in devaluation in both rounds. That, was a complete, awful, f¥cking stranger that despises/ed me.
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Bananas
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« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2013, 03:11:28 PM »

SO, I can really relate to this.  And what Ironman says:

I loved someone who doesn't exist, and yet does. The cruel paradox of having fallen in love with a pwBPD. I can relate to much of what you wrote, i had no idea of who she really was, until the tail end/discard of round 1. I was friends with her for years, prior to that. And i only knew the facet of her that she wanted me to see. I saw the dark side of her as an explosion in round 1. In round 2, i saw all of that dark other side, and everything leading up to, during, and the final death throes of round 2. I know you are hurting. The long road you refer to, we all walk with you. Hang in there Superior.

I was also friends with my ex for a long time before we dated.  I though I knew him so well.  I thought we were tight.  I only recognized the dark side when we broke up. 

We work together and sometimes when interacting with others, I see that good side.  He came to my office the other day to drop off a file. He looked so troubled, without thinking I asked him "are you ok?".  He gave me a blank look like no other I have ever seen, that look said everything I needed to know, and he ran off like he had seen a ghost.  I think I struggled for so long to try to get my friend back.  I realize now we can never get it back. Very sad. 

Indeed the kindest thing to do for all parties involved, is to walk away.  I walk with you.     
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Discovery
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« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2013, 04:38:31 PM »

Excerpt


I always believed who she was in the idealization phase was who she actually is, and that I had just royally messed up... .can I love the dark and yet beautiful person who did so many nice and horrible things to me? Did I do her a dis-service by taking the blame too much, because now it is probably even easier for her to justify the way she acts towards people? Can we really love people, if we don't see them for who they are, and instead see them for who we want them to be for us?



For me, I did ME a disservice by taking the blame too much.

I hurt myself ALOT by believing I did something very wrong to cause him to leave.

I spent weeks crying and blaming myself for this. 

I apologized for so many things, owned all the less-than-perfect behavior I could think of.

He apologized for: NOTHING.

I believe it also does our partner a disservice when we take the blame too much.

Because then he could refer to all the things I apologized for as PROOF of how he had been wronged by me, and reinforce his belief he is the victim.

So even being responsible for your part ends up being twisted and used against you.

As I detach more, my "love" is changing. My feeling of romantic love and longing is changing as I fully face the reality of how this man treated me badly and really SEE his emotionally abusive patterns. As I understand how unwell he is, and I see him for how he is REALLY is, not who I want him to be for me, my "love" is more a feeling of care that he is such a messed up human being, the kind of love I feel whenever I see messed up people in the world who I know aren't like that by choice. I know my former partner built huge walls and defenses because of his troubled childhood. I love the hurt little boy, but it's getting harder to access the feeling of love I had for him before... .

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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2013, 05:15:30 PM »

Discovery. Oh I definitely did my self a dis-service by blaming myself too much. It destroyed my self esteem completely. And like you I got no apologies, except "I'm sorry for everything". She did do a couple things on the way out for me actually. She said "stop blaming yourself for everything", "You'd be better off if you lived in your emotions more" (since I had become a cold neurotic mess) and for a while on facebook she actually tried to help give me closure. But I have literally sent like 4000 facebook messages to her, she could not keep up. She broke me so badly that I went insane. And honestly, even now I'm going insane, because I can't reconcile the horrible abuse I suffered with someone I cared about so deeply. Does this emotional confusion and stress ever end guys?  

There is this woman who has BPD named Tami Green on youtube, I really hope everyone with BPD becomes like this woman. She really allowed me to have more sympathy and hope for my ex-gf. Yeah I know, I need to worry about myself more. I'm trying, it's hard.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2013, 11:36:34 PM »

Ironman,

That is so true, your statement about your friend who ended up devaluing you and despising you. 

I am glad I said no to friendship with my ex. She has since blocked me on everything but I see that as giving her a sense of control. 

I am changing my number in the near future. 

Why would anyone want to be friends with someone who treats them so piss poor. None of my friends have ever treated me this badly.  Why would i extend my friendship to someone who treated me like shyt ?
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2013, 11:46:41 PM »

Earth,

The friend is my exUBPDgf that I am referring to. The person she presented to me for years(with the bizarre behavior that I was only able to see in hindsight) was not the person I saw in both rounds of devaluation. I tried to see any inkling of her, of the person I had spent so much time getting to know, especially in round 2 devaluation. That very friend turned love of my life was not there at all. Someone else was. Her other side. That. That is what I was left by. And that is what I was left with. Just that. A person foreign to me.
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frustrated b/f
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« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2013, 11:37:01 AM »

I dated my ex uBPD g/f for nearly 4 years before discovering the person I loved did not exist. Regrettably, we dated while she was married/separated and did not live together so I was never really able to see the real her.

Once her divorce was final and we moved in together the mountains-out-of-molehills began. Followed by devaluation, then the silent treatment until we were two strangers living under one roof.

The woman I fell in love with was nowhere to be found, not even a trace!
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Waifed
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« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2013, 12:01:36 PM »

Unfortunately they do exist as human beings.  I worked with mine for 3 years prior to dating and never had a hint that she had a dark side.  They are so good at pretending.  She went from the person I admired and loved the most to the worst form of life that I have ever known.  She will never lose the title of being the worst form of life there is because that is what she is.  I would like to say I regret ever getting involved with her, but it has been a blessing as well.  I am working on myself for the first time.  After almost 4 months I still have a lot of bad days, but in the long run it will be worth all the pain.  Before long she will be a distant memory and will be in my rear view mirror.  I will be a new and improved ME looking forward to a happy future. 
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TakingWingAtLast
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« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2013, 12:02:59 PM »

Dear Frustrated,

I share much of your story, except it was 8 years!  The mountains-out-of-molehills was so pervasive!  I just couldn't get why such little things had such significance!  It was perplexing to say the least and maddening to say the most.  There were issues even about how much to tip the waiter!    And the devaluation was so subtle that I didn't get it until after the r/s ended just three weeks ago.    For many years she had been attacking my kids for their lack of progress and success.  I thought it was because she cared!  But no, the devaluing of my kids was a subtle way of devaluing ME.  The understanding was even codified by a text sent at 2:00 am, no less, just two days ago:

I'm so much happier now!  Now, I have my choice of smart, handsome, adventurous, sexual and athletic men... .who aren't bisexual, are non-smokers, and have children who have completed college and are financially independent.

Every statement was devaluing!   And note the reference to the independence of her new dating partner's children.  With every text she sends, I see deeper to her desperation and fear of abandonment.  I see this need to devalue to keep herself in denial about the truth of her own existence.  This text was embedded with several other texts just as devaluing as well.  I ignored all of these with no response, of course.  I am NOT going to reengage.

So keep your chin up, Frustrated and SO and all of you here.  Go forth on your journey and make your life as happy as possible.   You deserve it!

D



I dated my ex uBPD g/f for nearly 4 years before discovering the person I loved did not exist. Regrettably, we dated while she was married/separated and did not live together so I was never really able to see the real her.

Once her divorce was final and we moved in together the mountains-out-of-molehills began. Followed by devaluation, then the silent treatment until we were two strangers living under one roof.

The woman I fell in love with was nowhere to be found, not even a trace!

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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2013, 12:06:30 PM »

Yeah, the woman I loved was a facade. Nothing more.

When I think about her breaking up with me, telling me we should "see other people" (I knew right then there was someone) and telling me she "loved me very much" and she would "always be here for me"

to less than a week painting me black, telling me I betrayed her and treated her horribly and then blocking all means of communication and throwing everything I gave her away... .

first time she has ever done that with me.

It makes me sad. It toys with your heart. Nothing was ever the truth. The lie she loved me, nothing. You don't treat people you love like this, plain and simple. You don't tell everyone they betrayed and are stalking you.

It's awful. Someday I will be grateful I am out of this mess.
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TakingWingAtLast
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« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2013, 02:58:18 PM »

Earth Angel,

I can truly identify with the ex telling me she loved me, then three days later throwing me out of an 8 year r/s painting black as coal.   It as the whole time didn't matter!

You WILL be better off, though, in the long run.   And you'll be grateful as well.  Already, though still grieving, I am healthier.  Limited contact has been more than sufficient to see the BPD come out in spades.

D

Yeah, the woman I loved was a facade. Nothing more.

When I think about her breaking up with me, telling me we should "see other people" (I knew right then there was someone) and telling me she "loved me very much" and she would "always be here for me"

to less than a week painting me black, telling me I betrayed her and treated her horribly and then blocking all means of communication and throwing everything I gave her away... .

first time she has ever done that with me.

It makes me sad. It toys with your heart. Nothing was ever the truth. The lie she loved me, nothing. You don't treat people you love like this, plain and simple. You don't tell everyone they betrayed and are stalking you.

It's awful. Someday I will be grateful I am out of this mess.

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Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #17 on: December 02, 2013, 08:28:35 PM »

I too have finally come out of the FOG and realized the woman I fell in love with never existed.  It's really tough, you invest yourself emotionally, trying to do a better job of relating to this person and to get silent treatment at the drop of the hat over such menial things.  I finally have ended the abuse, blocked all forms of communication.  It's breaking my heart to do so, but I have to turn this care back to myself and try to heal and move forward.

My xBPDg/f is an amazing person, she is super high functioning and successful to the outside world.  She's also an alcoholic and as a several weeks ago, it was getting worse.  I'm not taking everything that's happened as personally as I once did, but by the same token, I'm also realizing and owning my part in the dysfunctional dance.  I'll always love her, but I can't be with her.

Good luck to all of you trying to make this huge disconnect, it's very tough.

CiF
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LynnieRe

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« Reply #18 on: December 02, 2013, 10:57:16 PM »

I was, up until recently, taking my daughter and staying at her father's for an hour a week.  I couldn't find anyone else to supervise visits, unless it was the therapist or the lawyer, both of which I'd have to pay for. 

So, to make her feel like she was safe emotionally, I'd go. 

A couple of weeks ago, it was my father's birthday.  He died some months ago.  But my child and I wen to the cemetary and did things, and we decided that we could handle going over there.  He apparently has an under the table job (he was fired from his job and has been collecting unemployment) He was feeling manically rich and wanted to discuss Christmas presents.  So he called me in another room so we could discuss these things.  It turned into a conversation where I was told that his GF, aka the "exit affair" was his family now, that his family was +1 and that wasn't me,that "j" was gonna be and family functions,  and that I needed to get "over it"

and if my daughter wanted anything to do with his family, she was going to have to learn to love Jen "as much as I have."  I have not spoken to him since.  I've cancelled 2 weeks of visits, and now we're on week 3.  My d told me that if I wasn't there, that's how he talks to her.  He has 2 other children from another failed relationship and he refers to them as his children, but he won't call my d that.  My therapist and my current BF don't want me near him as he deliberately causes me so much pain.  My d still doesn't want to go there alone, even for the hour a week that we're down to.

It's becoming a situation that little brothers or not, grandmom or not, we need to be away from him. 
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