Got through almost a month of no contact. He came back and left again?

[Candace30]

I've been in the process of disconnecting from my ex BPD bf since this past summer.  I think I've actually been doing pretty good.  At first I was a mess!  One night I was here posting and I just wanted to die!  That's how much he had hurt me.  But I'm feeling MUCH better, getting stronger, dating others, moving on with my life.

I went almost a month of no contact with my ex.  After all of the push/pulling and craziness (even after we broke up) I wrote him a very loving but firm letter letting him know what I expected from the relationship if we were to continue.  He didn't respond to my letter for almost a month.  Part of me thought I would never hear from him again.  So I just let go and continued to move on with my life.

He called me up out of the blue one morning.  I literally looked down at my phone, saw 3 missed calls and a text from him and was like, "what the heck?"  He had a long sob story about where he'd been the past month and why he hadn't responded to my letter. 

He asked me if we could meet for dinner to discuss the letter.  I reluctantly agreed.  I wanted to see him, but also knew there was a risk I would burned again in doing so.  He planned a nice "date" for us.  We had dinner and drinks and went to see a movie afterwards.  He told me that he'd run away from me because he was afraid.  He said he was terrified.  He also admitted to realizing that he had a lot of "issues" within himself that he needs to sort out.  I told him that perhaps we should just be friends until he sorts out his "issues".  He said he doesn't want to be friends and that he feels that I am his soul mate.  We actually had a good evening.  And looking at him, he seemed so NORMAL.  I know the truth that he's not.  But just for the night, I wanted to believe that he was.

After our "date" he kept in touch with me for several days.  Then he "disappeared" again.  This time I haven't gone after him.  I've just let him go.  He hasn't called me and I haven't called him.  We haven't spoken in about 1 1/2 week now.

I'm not sure if this is a deliberate test or if this is one of those "out of sight/out of mind" BPD things.  In the past I've always chased after him.  He'd disappear, not call, run away, pout, rage, give silent treatments, or do something completely childish and over the top to see if I'd come running after him as a demonstration of how much I love him.  But this time no more.

It's just so maddening.  I'm not going to sit here and act like I don't still love him and want to be with him because I do.  But how can you have a normal relationship with a person who keeps undermining and sabotaging any attempts at intimacy and running away?       

I'm standing my ground.  I guess someone has to be the stronger one in the relationship.  But I know he will be back.  And I'm not sure what I will do when he does comes back because I do still care. 

I wish I didn't, but I do.   

[heartandwhole]

Candace30,

I'm sorry you have to go through this again.  The disappearing thing is very painful, I had that experience, too.

I care very much about my pwBPD, and I know that a relationship with him wouldn't work for me.  In order to open up and be close to someone, I need someone who doesn't disappear and change his mind about me abruptly and regularly.

It's just so maddening.  I'm not going to sit here and act like I don't still love him and want to be with him because I do.  But how can you have a normal relationship with a person who keeps undermining and sabotaging any attempts at intimacy and running away?       

 

If "normal" means a relationship where he doesn't disappear, then it looks like you can't. At least not at the moment, and yes, it is maddening.  

[EdR]

Hi Candace,

I had a similar experience and I know how much it hurts. What amazes me to this day, is how they can put on their mask in front of their co-workers, superficial friends etc. and may look like nice and spontaneous people.

To us... .they're just messing with our feelings and emotions. Leaving and coming back at will.

I know the reasons, I know their fear of intimacy and all of the traits. But still... it hurts.

Do you expect fear of intimacy is at work? Or do you think it was just a test? Trying to see if you didn't abandon him? (and obviously you didn't, so he got his 'high' and didn't need you anymore)

[frag1911]

Hey, Candace.  I'm glad to hear you're well centered and not allowing yourself to be recycled back into it.  You are much better informed about the behaviors than you were before, so you're able to hold your ground and keep yourself happy.

Mine separation just started last week.  I think I'm ready and willing to just let go.  I know I'm in anger mode about a lot of stuff.  I'll be glad when I get to where you're at.

Be well!

[Candace30]

Thank you frag1911 and heartandwhole for your supportive responses.

EdR, to answer your question, I almost feel as if his silence now is a test.  I almost feel that he has "disappeared" again to see if I will come after him.  I have that feeling for some reason. 

Only this time I'm not going after him.  I don't want to "train him" to be able to push my buttons or disappear to see if I still care.  If he is in fact testing me, he needs to know that it will no longer work. 

[itgirl]

Candace, I have the same story.  Broke up 6 months ago.  No contact for a while.  She came back running and as soon as I said YES lets do this again she goes ghost.  It's been now 15 days of silent treatment.

You can read my post here in the undecided thread.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=212541.0

This was the last straw.  I hoped and prayed she will get in touch but she hasn't and if I am honest with myself I know this is for the best.  I have come so far from the last breakup attempt that to go back now would be a gigantic mistake. 

Posing on the board has done wonders in my healing.

[Candace30]

Itgirl, I read your post.  All I have to say is that is UNREAL.  My ex has done similar things, but for some reason I am more horrified when I read about it happening to someone else.

It's amazing how much alike they all are. 

You are doing the right thing I think by not contacting her and moving on with your life.   This is what I'm doing. But then again, I'm not an expert.

I used to have the similar thoughts of, "Oh my God, is he ok?" when he went silent.  But they are always OK.  They just aren't contacting US. 

My thoughts with your ex and mine are that they will both circle back around.  You usually get that phone call when you are least expecting it.  Not sure what's going on in my ex's mind.  Maybe he is painting me black.  Maybe is is scared.  Maybe he is with someone else.  Maybe he is self-soothing.  But it gets to a point where you no longer care (as much).

I think it helps that I am dating others now.  Maybe if you feel ready for it you can do the same.  That's what helped me.  That and doing the inner work. 

[HarmKrakow]

It's amazing how much alike they all are. 

It is not. How can that be amazing? It would be amazing if they are all different but still share BPD.

I think it helps that I am dating others now.  Maybe if you feel ready for it you can do the same.  That's what helped me.  That and doing the inner work. 

How does it help that you are dating others? Does that mean you fixed yourself? Worked on your self mentally? Fixed the spots your BPD ex pointed out to you due to the rock r/s, and now have fixed them and are reading to be on the market again? You are whole again and in love with yourself again so you can love others? Give others love you deserve? You are more on a mature stability of your emotions so you won't fall in the trap of the BPD again?

I used to have the similar thoughts of, "Oh my God, is he ok?" when he went silent.  But they are always OK.  They just aren't contacting US. 

Hogwash!, BPDers are not always OK. I don't even understand how you can say such a thing. 1 out of 10 diagnosed BPDers commits suicide. How about that for a 'they are always ok' ... .You are generalizing to much and only talking and hearing what you want to read. Maybe that's one of the reasons why you got in this mess in the first place.

[Candace30]

Your responses are pretty harsh HarmKrakow.  They almost seem kind of hostile.  We are on the same team, aren't we?  Keep in mind that I am hurting just like everybody else here, so please try to be more sensitive.   

[connect]

Hi Candace30,

Yes it's horrible having to go through that. I have had periods of NC/Silent Treatment/Dumping even though we are still together. On the last big one in June, like you, I also stopped chasing. I wanted to see what would happen if I reacted differently. I did get apologies from him and he did start therapy but the push/pull is still there. At that point, although I was hurting like crazy (ended up on valium) I kind of let go of the outcome (like you did) and like you at that point I was open to go out with other people. During this period I tried to get in touch with what I wanted from a r/s. The strange thing is that even though it was so so painful I could feel the FOG lifting and it made me look at things in a different way which helped. The bizarre thing was that as soon as I started feeling more out of the fog (even though missing him like mad and being in a total state) that was when he contacted me again. I went back into the r/s but I do feel a bit different after that experience as I suppose the "worst" happened and though it sucked I did learn I could survive.

Previousley on these periods i would turn up on his doorstep saying anything I could to get it back. Do you know what happened within you to make you act differently this time?

[Candace30]

Connect, you just described my experience.  In the past I would freak out during those silent treatments and periods of no contact.  I would call/text repeatedly, write letters, and do anything I could to get his attention.  And by doing so, I believe I was reinforcing in him that if he behaved certain ways, it would trigger me, and I would give him attention.  Negative attention for me, but positive attention for him.

The thing that shifted for me was realizing that this dynamic was not changing.  It was actually getting worse over time as he was pushing more and more boundaries.  So, after he disappeared on me again this summer, I just started focusing on myself.  I went deeper into my spiritual faith and also joined a support group of women.  When I felt ready, I started dating others.  I've met some incredible men.  This has shown me what I COULD have - a relationship with a stable foundation without all of the push/pull, silent treatments, and boundary testing behaviors.  Also, I'm ready to have a family and I'm just thinking about what my children (when I start my family) deserve.    

I can't explain it.  Like with you, something shifted within me.  I feel much stronger this time around.  

I'm sure he will return.  But now that I am out of the FOG I feel better equipped to deal with it an a loving and grounded way when he does return.  I just want what's best for him at this point.  I want what's best for both of us.  

[connect]

Yep - coming out of the FOG at that point was such a surprise to me. I was amazed that I could be in so much pain and yet feel some relief (eventually) from not dealing with the low level day to day anxieties whilst in the r/s. It highlighted to me how much anxiety the r/s must have been generating for me to feel some relief dispite the pain from not seeing him. Seemed a paradox in my head at the time.

When we got back together my bf never mentioned my changed response to his usual pattern. And like you the pattern had been getting worse with far more silent treatments and for longer then I get now. (still get them though - not sure if the therapy /his and mine/ has helped reduce it, me using the tools better or him now seeing that I dont ALWAYS chase him) I think it intregued him (when he eventually got round to thinking about me) that I wasnt doing my usual chase dance. I even spotted him driving past where I was staying late at night on a day that I would, in the past have gone to his house in desperation.

He let a few things slip after this period. He said that he'd videoed things to show me etc as though he always expected us to re-join up eventually. You not chasing will shake him up - it took mine a while to even notice that I wasnt chasing him though as he was so wrapped up in his own world.

I think I stopped chasing for a few reasons:

1) I listened to what he said when he ended it and thought if thats what he wants then I wont fight it and what would be the point if he doesnt want the r/s

2) I was exhausted

3) I wanted to do something different as my past chasing just seemed to become a pattern - it was becoming too stressful for me to continue the chasing

4) I decide to let go of the outcome "what will be will be"

5) There may have been a touch of revenge in there somewhere   like "lets see how much you like being without me then sunshine"

6) The tiny part of me that knew the r/s wasnt that good for me kind of started waving at me.

7) I could be available for a healthier r/s if one came along

But my goodness it was hard. At one point one of my friends had to almost physically restrain me from going round to my bf's house late at night so it wasnt all plain sailing. I wouldnt want to go through it again but I suspect that I will at some point.

[HarmKrakow]

Your responses are pretty harsh HarmKrakow.  They almost seem kind of hostile.  We are on the same team, aren't we?  Keep in mind that I am hurting just like everybody else here, so please try to be more sensitive.   

You said exactly what I wanted to hear . Maybe you don't realize that saying, a BPDer is always OK, can truly hurt for others. Am just saying... Especially to people who have lost their BPD ex as they committed suicide (many examples here on the forum), so the "be more sensitive" is a interesting comment you are making.

Some people on this board need to hear the 'aww, everything will be fine' to feel better, the others need to hear the blatant full frontal approach or else they never wake up from their dream of worries.

Why are we here? Just to emotionally vent? Or to understand we participated in this dance and are the ones needing to learn from our mistakes?

[almostmarried]

Hi... .my ex-BPDgf was only "in love with me" when I was away... .as soon as there was a real human contact with her,no SMS,no skype,no phone-bullhit,it was ALL OVER.She changed her character from one moment to the other

When I asked her why she behaved like this she replied "I dont know what you are talking about.I cant stand being with you."

As soon as  I left,it was the old sick story again: SMS... ."I love you"... .

What a waste of time,feelings,energy.