No boundries when it comes to sex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD ex had slept with old men, ugly drunks, drug users, her mothers BF, sex offenders.

They will go with anyone that gives them attention and so they don't feel alone.

Made me feel sick to the stomach until I realized she had a major mental problem. Normal people would not do this.

[strikeforce]

My BPD ex had slept with old men, ugly drunks, drug users, her mothers BF, sex offenders.

They will go with anyone that gives them attention and so they don't feel alone.

Made me feel sick to the stomach until I realized she had a major mental problem. Normal people would not do this.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf wanted to have sex with me with the windows and curtains in her room wide open so others could see. I thought she was joking at first. And then she left the window open once when we started getting really into it and I stopped. I was like, "what are you doing? Why would you want strangers to see you naked having sex with me? You live here alone with your 2 sons, do you not realize how dangerous that is to you and to them?" The look her face was literally, blank. Like what I had said to her did not phase her. It was one of the few times I said no her. She later used that incident as another example of "I must be gay" on the day of discard. I don't rember how many times I must have asked her this very question, " do you not hear what you just said to me?"

[fromheeltoheal]

Someone said of my borderline if she had as many dicks sticking out of her as stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine.  I've learned though that sex is a handy tool for a borderline.  Mine had narcissistic traits too and got a huge buzz off adoration and attention, and of course she got a lot of that from guys who were trying to screw her.  And playing guys against each other in a bar for example, got them competing with one another which bolstered her frail sense of self worth.  And the act itself was horizontal aerobics, a fit of physical abandon she used like a drug to escape her life for a minute.

I knew this early.  We worked together 25 years ago when she was 19, and in the year and a half she worked there she had sex with at least 10 people, including the married president of the company, and got busted more than once giving some guy head in her car in the parking lot.  And yet, 25 years later, I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.  The stories she did share, unsolicited by me, I didn't want to here them, and part of her motivation for sharing was to increase her value and keep me on edge, included sex with her son's friends and bunch of virgin Mormons, you name it she screwed it.  And why exactly did I create a virtuous  princess that looked like her in my head?  Because that's what I want ultimately, just need to stay out of fantasy land and pay attention to what I'm getting.

[strikeforce]

She worked as a care worker for the elderly.

For some reason I began to believe she was sleeping with them

[BuildingFromScratch]

While these sexual stories are very sad to me. I'm kind of jealous. Reason being, my ex-gf had an aversion to sex, would barely sleep with me and would make me feel bad for having sexual feelings for other women (I never ogled them either). She even got mad that I had a dream about having sex with another woman! She was insanely jealous. It was all rather ridiculous in hind sight but it caused my self esteem to erode to almost nothing over years and years. Because I felt ugly for having my feelings, lets alone doing anything. Eventually I did look at porn to cope, but I hated women and myself in my porn world.

[Turkish]

Mine wasn't promiscuous as those of many here, but she was always wanting to do it in places where we might have been likely to get caught. For the thrill, I guess. We stopped by her office on a weekend once and she wanted to do it in the conference room or somewhere. I kept looking for cameras... .to me, if someone happened to walk in or something, it wasn't worth losing her job over. I sure as heck wouldn't want to be have sitting somewhere where people were engaged in sex the day before. Gross. Get a room! Or at least a shrub... .She got mad at me, naturally. Another time, on the couch by the front door of the apartment that we shared with our roommate. She said we could "cover up" in time. Yeah, our roommie opens the door and there we are. Sorry, but I'm not a freaking teenager anymore. But I guess I was the problem.

[Turkish]

While these sexual stories are very sad to me. I'm kind of jealous. Reason being, my ex-gf had an aversion to sex, would barely sleep with me and would make me feel bad for having sexual feelings for other women (I never ogled them either). She even got mad that I had a dream about having sex with another woman!

You knew this was the probable response, and yet you told her?

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I had a 100% honesty policy back then. Maybe a poor choice. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just thought a deep connection required 100% honesty. Guess I was a dreamer. In fact I used to cry whenever she'd cry back then. Because I was that connected to her feelings.

[strikeforce]

Mine wasn't promiscuous as those of many here, but she was always wanting to do it in places where we might have been likely to get caught. For the thrill, I guess. We stopped by her office on a weekend once and she wanted to do it in the conference room or somewhere. I kept looking for cameras... .to me, if someone happened to walk in or something, it wasn't worth losing her job over. I sure as heck wouldn't want to be have sitting somewhere where people were engaged in sex the day before. Gross. Get a room! Or at least a shrub... .She got mad at me, naturally. Another time, on the couch by the front door of the apartment that we shared with our roommate. She said we could "cover up" in time. Yeah, our roommie opens the door and there we are. Sorry, but I'm not a freaking teenager anymore. But I guess I was the problem.

Mine always wanted to have outdoor sex, in parks and places. I didn't want to end up getting caught and charged by the police but she didn't seem to care, she would strip naked and expect me to do the same.

The other times were when I visited her in the morning on a Thursday, she knew the window cleaner would be round so she would insist on having sex in the living room with the curtains open.

And the times when she admitted to walking around in her underwear in other guys houses or at parties and left the bathroom door unlocked when she visited her mums so that guys that were staying at her mums would walk in and see her naked.

Truly a messed up girl.

[DreamGirl]

Hi guys,

These stories are really sad to me. For you. For them. As an outsider looking in, when a woman has really poor boundaries when it comes to sex and who is acting out sexually, it is a tell tale sign of sexual abuse in childhood. It also might help in determining how the BPD developed:

3.1.2.2 Environmental risk factors

A range of childhood and parental demographic characteristics, adverse childhood experiences (including neglect, trauma and abuse), early interpersonal difficulties, and forms of maladaptive parenting have been identified as risk factors for adolescent and adult BPD.167-171

A large prospective cohort study (the Children in the Community study)154, 171, 172 in the United States of America (USA) reported that childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect, maladaptive parenting, maladaptive school experiences, and demographic characteristics (including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status, single-parent family status) were risk factors for adolescent and adult personality disorders including BPD.

Perhaps it's why the blank stare when confronted with thinking that public sex is OK. There is a certain disassociation involved and truly not really understanding of what is appropriate - I don't know how to better explain it other then there is this cross wiring in childhood when it comes to sex. It's really difficult to re-learn boundaries (surrounding sex) when you've had them shattered at a young age. If you look at it from a more logical and less emotional place, you'll see that it's all intertwined (easy for me to say right?).

It may not seem like it, but you're probably dealing with someone with pretty low self esteem. There is an overwhelming shame that is often dealt with by what seems like an over-embracing of sexuality. I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.

Just something to think about from someone who understands and keeps this kind of subject matter (childhood sexual abuse) close to her heart.

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

~DG

[Turkish]

Yeah, I had a 100% honesty policy back then. Maybe a poor choice. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just thought a deep connection required 100% honesty. Guess I was a dreamer. In fact I used to cry whenever she'd cry back then. Because I was that connected to her feelings.

I think a lot of us have been there, SO. I slipped up once or twice in a similar manner. I never admitted to anything outright, but my silence was confirmation, because I find lying hard anyway. Definitely a no-win situation.

[strikeforce]

Hi guys,

These stories are really sad to me. For you. For them. As an outsider looking in, when a woman has really poor boundaries when it comes to sex and who is acting out sexually, it is a tell tale sign of sexual abuse in childhood. It also might help in determining how the BPD developed:

3.1.2.2 Environmental risk factors

A range of childhood and parental demographic characteristics, adverse childhood experiences (including neglect, trauma and abuse), early interpersonal difficulties, and forms of maladaptive parenting have been identified as risk factors for adolescent and adult BPD.167-171

A large prospective cohort study (the Children in the Community study)154, 171, 172 in the United States of America (USA) reported that childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect, maladaptive parenting, maladaptive school experiences, and demographic characteristics (including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status, single-parent family status) were risk factors for adolescent and adult personality disorders including BPD.

Perhaps it's why the blank stare when confronted with thinking that public sex is OK. There is a certain disassociation involved and truly not really understanding of what is appropriate - I don't know how to better explain it other then there is this cross wiring in childhood when it comes to sex. It's really difficult to re-learn boundaries (surrounding sex) when you've had them shattered at a young age. If you look at it from a more logical and less emotional place, you'll see that it's all intertwined (easy for me to say right?).

It may not seem like it, but you're probably dealing with someone with pretty low self esteem. There is an overwhelming shame that is often dealt with by what seems like an over-embracing of sexuality. I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.

Just something to think about from someone who understands and keeps this kind of subject matter (childhood sexual abuse) close to her heart.

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

~DG

Yes mine told me early on in the relationship that her mums boyfriend sexually abused her when she was little.

She was only just getting to know her mum again after many years apart. The mother showed signs of BPD too.

She knew that it was the sexual abuse that caused it and the fact she was abandoned by her parents.

She also hinted at abuse from other ex boyfriends.

I was always careful never to take advantage of her sexually when we were together, but some of the stuff she wanted to do and did do was unreal to say the least.

[Ironmanrises]

Mine told me of sexual abuse/physical abuse in childhood too.

[Turkish]

Hi guys,

These stories are really sad to me. For you. For them. As an outsider looking in, when a woman has really poor boundaries when it comes to sex and who is acting out sexually, it is a tell tale sign of sexual abuse in childhood. It also might help in determining how the BPD developed:

3.1.2.2 Environmental risk factors

A range of childhood and parental demographic characteristics, adverse childhood experiences (including neglect, trauma and abuse), early interpersonal difficulties, and forms of maladaptive parenting have been identified as risk factors for adolescent and adult BPD.167-171

A large prospective cohort study (the Children in the Community study)154, 171, 172 in the United States of America (USA) reported that childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect, maladaptive parenting, maladaptive school experiences, and demographic characteristics (including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status, single-parent family status) were risk factors for adolescent and adult personality disorders including BPD.

Perhaps it's why the blank stare when confronted with thinking that public sex is OK. There is a certain disassociation involved and a certain not really understanding of what is appropriate - I don't know how to better explain it other then there is a certain cross wiring in childhood when it comes to sex. It's really difficult to re-learn boundaries (surrounding sex) when you've had them shattered at a young age. If you look at it from a more logical and less emotional place, you'll see that it's all intertwined (easy for me to say right?).

It may not seem like it, but you're probably dealing with someone with pretty low self esteem. There is an overwhelming shame that is often dealt with by what seems like an over-embracing of sexuality. I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.

Just something to think about from someone who understands and keeps this kind of subject matter (childhood sexual abuse) close to her heart.

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

~DG

I suspected mine after a few years. I still do to a 10-20% extent, if not her family, then someone else. Possibly her sister, too. I used to ask her point-blank a few times, and I didn't sense any deception. She was always overly honest about her past and feelings. It might just be lacking a connection to a stable father, she just took on what made her feel better, like an empty vessel. I've become even more engaged  and interacting with my D1 now. Don't want her to turn out like her mom!  

Girls/women who have been through childhood abuse, I can often sense a mile away. I get that because of my mother. It's an accursed "gift." There is a little girl down the street whom we see now and then. They all come down around our house when our kids are out. She sometimes comes to the door to peddle school things. I know something is going on at home. Her demeanor just screams "I'm broken and abused." And being severely bullied in my youth, I'm sure she's getting no shortage of that at school, too. Kids pick up on that like a pack of rabid wolves going after a mewling and wounded kitten. My stbxBPD sees it too. Very, very sad.

[Turkish]

I was always careful never to take advantage of her sexually when we were together, but some of the stuff she wanted to do and did do was unreal to say the least.

In the first few months we were together, I remember reading a book to/with her on the bed. After only ten minutes, she turned to me and said something like, "you know, most guys would have had their hand down my shirt by now, or my bra strap off... ." Well, I guess I'm not "most guys." It's an insight into her objectification of men. Funny, I thought we were reading and could get to the other stuff later... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Interesting DreamGirl, thanks!

My borderline ex never seemed to be able to connect with her childhood, smacked of dissociation to me, but she did move away from her parents and in with her grandparents when she was 11 or 12, which is telling.

I don't get the feeling she was sexually abused, but maladaptive parenting, and demographic characteristics including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status were definitely the case.

I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.



Yes.  She wore her dozens and dozens of sexual conquests as a badge of honor, proud of it, and I have no doubt she was lying to me about the quantity; it was probably much higher.  I didn't want to hear it, but she frequently offered up details with a 'what the hell are you doing' look on my face, but on she went.

I once steered her to a large Kinsey report that condensed thousands of interviews with people, having asked them to disclose the quantity of sexual partners: men reported 7 on average and women reported 4.  Impossible mind you, but telling as to the priority differences between men and women.  Anyway, when she got that news I watched her brain get scrambled, and with a look of bewilderment she said "I must be a total whore."  Very telling how clueless she was, all the way into middle age.

[strikeforce]

I was always careful never to take advantage of her sexually when we were together, but some of the stuff she wanted to do and did do was unreal to say the least.

In the first few months we were together, I remember reading a book to/with her on the bed. After only ten minutes, she turned to me and said something like, "you know, most guys would have had their hand down my shirt by now, or my bra strap off... ." Well, I guess I'm not "most guys." It's an insight into her objectification of men. Funny, I thought we were reading and could get to the other stuff later... .

She said similar things to me in the year we were together. Told me she was always just used for sex and that I was the first decent guy to love her for who she was.

[Turkish]

I was always careful never to take advantage of her sexually when we were together, but some of the stuff she wanted to do and did do was unreal to say the least.

In the first few months we were together, I remember reading a book to/with her on the bed. After only ten minutes, she turned to me and said something like, "you know, most guys would have had their hand down my shirt by now, or my bra strap ofI'mf... ." Well, I guess I'm not "most guys." It's an insight into her objectification of men. Funny, I thought we were reading and could get to the other stuff later... .

She said similar things to me in the year we were together. Told me she was always just used for sex and that I was the first decent guy to love her for who she was.

I  told her  that her paramour  was a  player ( just based on stuff she told me about him),  but she still thinks he's this great religious guy in touch with  God or  something.  the script in their heads  is so messed up! I  guarantee she'll never  find another like me.  She knows it,  too. I  know she knows it.  yet the play must go on... .

[strikeforce]

I was always careful never to take advantage of her sexually when we were together, but some of the stuff she wanted to do and did do was unreal to say the least.

In the first few months we were together, I remember reading a book to/with her on the bed. After only ten minutes, she turned to me and said something like, "you know, most guys would have had their hand down my shirt by now, or my bra strap ofI'mf... ." Well, I guess I'm not "most guys." It's an insight into her objectification of men. Funny, I thought we were reading and could get to the other stuff later... .

She said similar things to me in the year we were together. Told me she was always just used for sex and that I was the first decent guy to love her for who she was.

I  told her  that her paramour  was a  player ( just based on stuff she told me about him),  but she still thinks he's this great religious guy in touch with  God or  something.  the script in their heads  is so messed up! I  guarantee she'll never  find another like me.  She knows it,  too. I  know she knows it.  yet the play must go on... .

Well the longest she had kept a guy before me was at most a month. We lasted over a year. She kept saying she didn't deserve me and that I was such a great guy for loving her and putting up with her.

When she started therapy I thought it might be a new era for her. But I was wrong, so wrong.

Mine like yours knows I was the nicest guy ever to enter her life and that she has lost me forever now.

Sad.

[bpdspell]

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

Dreamgirl,

You make some great points about issues rooted in promiscuity. We have to be very careful about how we interpret our ex's overtly sexually behavior…it can get a little convoluted…almost bordering on slut shaming. In truth people who have a healthy sense of worth do not want to screw everything that isn't nailed down. This level of sexual deviance is honestly a giant red flag of "something isn't right" proportions. My ex often called himself a "nympho", but that's to cover up his shame and I certainly can't expect a mentally ill person to have "insight."

Victims of sexual abuse often use sex to empower their narrative that that's all they're really good for and that is utterly sad.

My ex admitted that he was molested by a babysitter but I personally believe that he was sexually abused by his own six-pack drunk mom. My ex really hated his mother.  She was a tremendous source of shame for him because she abandoned and neglected him when he needed her most as a child.

So yah. Our sex life came on fast, strong and hard and I enjoyed it for a good while but intimacy was a triggering no-no for him. So when I wanted more than sex eventually the cheating behaviors showed up on the radar as well as the revealing of his sordid sexual history. It's all effed up and just a case of the sads all around.

It doesn't stop the cheating from hurting but I do have a better perspective about what the behaviors are rooted in; therefore taking their behavior less personal. I thinking screwing your way through life is a pretty painful and empty existence but with emotionally stunted wiring our ex's are bound to repeat what they know.

Spell

[Turkish]

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

Dreamgirl,

You make some great points about issues rooted in promiscuity. We have to be very careful about how we interpret our ex's overtly sexually behavior…it can get a little convoluted…almost bordering on slut shaming. In truth people who have a healthy sense of worth do not want to screw everything that isn't nailed down. This level of sexual deviance is honestly a giant red flag of "something isn't right" proportions.

Victims of sexual abuse often use sex to empower their narrative that that's all they're really good for and that is utterly sad.

My ex admitted that he was molested by a babysitter but I personally believe that he was sexually abused by his own six-pack drunk mom. My ex really hated his mother.  She was a tremendous source of shame for him because she abandoned and neglected him when he needed her most as a child.

So yah. Our sex life came on fast and strong and I enjoyed it for a  good while but intimacy was a triggering no-no for him. So eventually the cheating behaviors showed up on the radar as well as the revealing of his sordid sexual history. It's all effed up and just a case of the sads all around.

Spell

I  have a  friend like this.  nice guy,  treats women well,  never abused any but seeks out  to nail everything that isn't already nailed down.  at 40  years of age,  has never had a  relationship last past 8  months.  he usually triggers from  some imagined betrayal by them,  our it ends mutually.  based upon his hatred of his mother,  and some of the sick things I  and his other brother found in her house when we cleaned it out after she died,  I'm sure she molested him in some way.  it isn't always the fathers... .

[RecycledNoMore]

My uBPDx always  wanted to get caught, he said it turned him, he too would often want to have sex with the windows n doors open, or hed always try to convince me to do it anywhere really, public toilets, in the car, at the beach, he just didnt care,he got a thrill from it, unfortunately I stopped giving in to his demands,he wasnt happy about it, he would pout and accuse me of being unfaithful, he was also heavily into porn in the latter stages of ou r/ s, said his father was a porn addict, he was on every dating site imaginable, alot of times id go to his house, hia curtains would be drawn, the house was always filthy, and hed be watching porn, he had no job, nothing else to do just sat there like a zombie...

He also told me that he had" lost his virginity" at 8 yrs old?, what the heck?, to a fifteen yr old girl, I dont think he ever connectd that to sexual abuse, in fact he was proud of it, he never registered the blank looks of bewilderment on his friends faces when he boasted to them about it, so very sad.

[Waifed]

It was like porn star sex with my ex.  She was very vocal about how she felt the entire time and would use my name often.  Very intoxicating.  She never turned me down one time in 3 years.  I won't get into the details but she did have certain limitations that she would not budge on, until right before the relationship ended.  I never saw her look at another man in my presence but I caught her cheating once (reason we broke up) while she was on a vacation overseas.  After reading all I have about BPD I would guess she cheated more often.  She would have zero problem picking up pretty much whoever she wanted and the last week (of the relationship after I told her she was on borrowed time) when she asked me if I would continue to sleep with her after I left her and married someone else later   I would guess that she probably has a stable of exes that she called up when we were "fighting".  :)isgusting dirty tramp. Ugh.

[EdR]

Hi guys,

These stories are really sad to me. For you. For them. As an outsider looking in, when a woman has really poor boundaries when it comes to sex and who is acting out sexually, it is a tell tale sign of sexual abuse in childhood. It also might help in determining how the BPD developed:

3.1.2.2 Environmental risk factors

A range of childhood and parental demographic characteristics, adverse childhood experiences (including neglect, trauma and abuse), early interpersonal difficulties, and forms of maladaptive parenting have been identified as risk factors for adolescent and adult BPD.167-171

A large prospective cohort study (the Children in the Community study)154, 171, 172 in the United States of America (USA) reported that childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect, maladaptive parenting, maladaptive school experiences, and demographic characteristics (including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status, single-parent family status) were risk factors for adolescent and adult personality disorders including BPD.

Perhaps it's why the blank stare when confronted with thinking that public sex is OK. There is a certain disassociation involved and truly not really understanding of what is appropriate - I don't know how to better explain it other then there is this cross wiring in childhood when it comes to sex. It's really difficult to re-learn boundaries (surrounding sex) when you've had them shattered at a young age. If you look at it from a more logical and less emotional place, you'll see that it's all intertwined (easy for me to say right?).

It may not seem like it, but you're probably dealing with someone with pretty low self esteem. There is an overwhelming shame that is often dealt with by what seems like an over-embracing of sexuality. I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.

Just something to think about from someone who understands and keeps this kind of subject matter (childhood sexual abuse) close to her heart.

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

~DG

I am never overly fond of all these sexual threads, so I basically myself right now. Found your remark interesting though.

I do not think sexual abuse necessarily triggers over-sexual behaviour. It may also trigger the opposite.

In 'her' I saw that quite clearly. She wasn't loving the parties where everyone was obviously looking to 'get lucky' (stupid song haha).

But... .eventually... .she developed a paradox. She became very interested in men who would verbally objectify her. It didn't seem like her at all... but there it was.

During the infamous last time before her final Silent Treatment, she told me a lot of stuff. One of those was that she was still shattered by a rape case. She immediately said she wasn't the one who was raped, but someone 'very close' (I presume close family). And the rapist got away with it due to an administrative error.

P.S. ... .don't like talking about the Silent Treatment again  :'(

[slimmiller]

Mine like yours knows I was the nicest guy ever to enter her life and that she has lost me forever now.

Sad.

Mine has said similiar things to me.

Did yours ever actually say this or is this a conclusion for you? I know its true for most of us (that we even deserve better) but I m wonder 'IF' it was acknowledged, was she at all moved by it?

[strikeforce]

Mine like yours knows I was the nicest guy ever to enter her life and that she has lost me forever now.

Sad.

Mine has said similiar things to me.

Did yours ever actually say this or is this a conclusion for you? I know its true for most of us (that we even deserve better) but I m wonder 'IF' it was acknowledged, was she at all moved by it?

Yep she said it many times in the relationship and after we separated

[Conundrum]

Hi guys,

These stories are really sad to me. For you. For them. As an outsider looking in, when a woman has really poor boundaries when it comes to sex and who is acting out sexually, it is a tell tale sign of sexual abuse in childhood. It also might help in determining how the BPD developed:

3.1.2.2 Environmental risk factors

A range of childhood and parental demographic characteristics, adverse childhood experiences (including neglect, trauma and abuse), early interpersonal difficulties, and forms of maladaptive parenting have been identified as risk factors for adolescent and adult BPD.167-171

A large prospective cohort study (the Children in the Community study)154, 171, 172 in the United States of America (USA) reported that childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect, maladaptive parenting, maladaptive school experiences, and demographic characteristics (including low family socioeconomic status, family welfare support recipient status, single-parent family status) were risk factors for adolescent and adult personality disorders including BPD.

Perhaps it's why the blank stare when confronted with thinking that public sex is OK. There is a certain disassociation involved and truly not really understanding of what is appropriate - I don't know how to better explain it other then there is this cross wiring in childhood when it comes to sex. It's really difficult to re-learn boundaries (surrounding sex) when you've had them shattered at a young age. If you look at it from a more logical and less emotional place, you'll see that it's all intertwined (easy for me to say right?).

It may not seem like it, but you're probably dealing with someone with pretty low self esteem. There is an overwhelming shame that is often dealt with by what seems like an over-embracing of sexuality. I mean most women who value themselves don't seek this kind of sexual exposure/validation. It really is a learned behavior and a coping skill.

Just something to think about from someone who understands and keeps this kind of subject matter (childhood sexual abuse) close to her heart.

Did any of your former partners reveal sexual abuse from their childhood?

~DG

That describes my ex in her entirety. Abandoned by her mother when she was sent to prison at the age of 5. Subsequent sexual abuse by a Grandfather archetype-caretaker/predator between ages 5-7--while her mother was incarcerated. She never knew her father.

It was the causal trauma resulting in her BPD and systemic sexual issues. As you point out extreme low self esteem. A completely dangerous risk taker sexually with a strong desire to be punished that alternates with another side--which wants to use men--like she was used as a child. Entirely incapable of enjoying intimate mature sex. Did not understand it.

I constantly battled my own demons being with her. Sometimes I won, sometimes I lost. I hope in toto I demonstrated more compassionate love than the opposite. I know that I spoke with her often about the childhood abuse--that she would not be able to sustain an intimate relationship without first healing form the trauma. The rippling effect of childhood sexual abuse continues to capsize way too many adult woman and easily destroys men of good intent. I'm not much of a hater in this life, but shattering the innocence of children in that way... .I hate them!                     

[strikeforce]

I despise sexual abuse of any nature, child or adult. It destroys people. And not just the victim as we have seen the ripple effects of BPD here.

[GreenMango]

Just a thought about personal responsibility.

Knowing what you know about the questionable sexual boundaries, the possibility of abuse and trauma the person with BPD in your life was dealing with would you say that next time a person exhibits these lack of boundaries you would think twice about engaging sexually with them?

It's super easy to wax on their sexual antics but at some point someone has to be the adult and heed these signs a bit. Engaging with someone who has a traumatic sexual history who is at a disadvantage - though it can seem like porn star sex, great sex, wild, uninhibited, etc in the beginning - and can cause quite a bit of issues in a relationship.

[strikeforce]

Just a thought about personal responsibility.

Knowing what you know about the questionable sexual boundaries, the possibility of abuse and trauma the person with BPD in your life was dealing with would you say that next time a person exhibits these lack of boundaries you would think twice about engaging sexually with them?

It's super easy to wax on their sexual antics but at some point someone has to be the adult and heed these signs a bit. Engaging with someone who has a traumatic sexual history is at a disadvantage - though it can seem like porn star sex, great sex, wild, uninhibited, etc in the beginning.

Indeed, I would feel like I was taking advantage.

I felt that way in the relationship with my BPD ex and didn't always do what she wanted as it didn't feel right.

[Octoberfest]

Someone said of my borderline if she had as many dicks sticking out of her as stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine.  

I laughed really hard at this.  :)efinitely applicable to my BPDex as well, and at only 22 years of age. Really sad.

I  told her  that her paramour  was a  player ( just based on stuff she told me about him),  but she still thinks he's this great religious guy in touch with  God or  something.  the script in their heads  is so messed up! I  guarantee she'll never  find another like me.  She knows it,  too. I  know she knows it.  yet the play must go on... .

On a more serious note, I also believe this to be true in my situation.  When we split for good after I caught her dating another man at the same time as me for the 3rd or 4th time, a few days after she said to me, "Forget about me".  I asked her why I should do that and she replied, "Because I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, we both know it is true.  So just forget it ok.  Forget about all of the garbage that I brought into your life and go be that amazing man that I know that you are.  Can you do that for me?"

Oh how I wish I had left things right there... .instead I continued contact for another month or two intermittently until I finally had enough and blocked her number.  I have posted on here many times how she is now engaged to a fat, greasy, cocaine using bar trash loser with really poorly done tattoos.  She got engaged to him after knowing him for 4 months, and also while involved with the guy that she was cheating on me with at the end.  I wonder now if she is with him because she feels that he is who she deserves? If her toxic shame is playing a role in it.  Who knows.

[GreenMango]

Just a thought about personal responsibility.

Knowing what you know about the questionable sexual boundaries, the possibility of abuse and trauma the person with BPD in your life was dealing with would you say that next time a person exhibits these lack of boundaries you would think twice about engaging sexually with them?

It's super easy to wax on their sexual antics but at some point someone has to be the adult and heed these signs a bit. Engaging with someone who has a traumatic sexual history is at a disadvantage - though it can seem like porn star sex, great sex, wild, uninhibited, etc in the beginning.

Indeed, I would feel like I was taking advantage.

I felt that way in the relationship with my BPD ex and didn't always do what she wanted as it didn't feel right.

I hear that.  And scary right?

Give this some thought being the adult and dealing with an adult child sexually puts you parent role. Or a position of power.  This can get funky is you want a mutual intimate relationship.  This lopsided dynamic speaks to a lot of problems.

It's a huge lesson on saying "no" and having better boundaries ourselves instead of being swept up in the lust and thinking with our pants.

[Turkish]

I  told her  that her paramour  was a  player ( just based on stuff she told me about him),  but she still thinks he's this great religious guy in touch with  God or  something.  the script in their heads  is so messed up! I  guarantee she'll never  find another like me.  She knows it,  too. I  know she knows it.  yet the play must go on... .

On a more serious note, I also believe this to be true in my situation.  When we split for good after I caught her dating another man at the same time as me for the 3rd or 4th time, a few days after she said to me, "Forget about me".  I asked her why I should do that and she replied, "Because I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, we both know it is true.  So just forget it ok.  Forget about all of the garbage that I brought into your life and go be that amazing man that I know that you are.  Can you do that for me?"

Mine said something along similar lines when I first met her. Since she was honest with me up front about being enraptured and damaged by her previous Love (this was almost two years previous!), it became my responsibility in her eyes if I kept trying, or hanging around. In that, she was actually correct! Two years into our relationship it took her to let go of his memory... .

[ShadowDancer]

The guys (myself included) and I presume the women folk as well, pine for a time for the strange off the hook sex the Personality Disordered utilize. Weather we call it "porno", "crazy", "unreal", or whatever vernacular we use to describe this phenomena of damaged method, now that some time has passed for me, I do have a thought on this.

What bothered us (me) in that time is not the fact that we "got it" but we are left with a knowledge that someone else is now "getting it" in the exact same scripted way. This twists up our primal thinking for a time and prevents a moving forward with "human reality". Which for me is the simple fact that this type of "love" is simply unsustainable in the long run. It is mechanically rout on its face and in our deeper place we know this. It is a pretty play for a time but we cannot watch the same act in the production over and over

We are emotional beings with needs that transcend the purely physical in terms of "staying power" where relationships are concerned. Sex is the gods gift to us all and I for one am an aficionado for sure but at the end of the day the question is asked, Who will be there for me, when the sex is over, to wipe my brow and speak tenderly to and about me at the end of this earthbound journey? Who? My "partner" or my "mate"? The two are dimensionally different beings in our lives IMO.

Let her have her sex, let her have her excitement and "relationships" and all their profound damages and emptiness.

At the end I would want my "trusted mate" to be the one who stands in the wings of my final curtain call. ANY DAY!    

[strikeforce]

So true shadow but what do you mean by 'partner' and 'mate?

Soulmate?

[ShadowDancer]

So true shadow but what do you mean by 'partner' and 'mate?

Soulmate?

Legit question Strike. For me a partner could be a partner in crime, business, life, sex or whatever. They come and go.

A mate for me is a "trusted dedicated" part of the whole. This word "mate" is used for the brave souls upon the high seas. All the "mates" were "equally important" for the function of the whole. This is why the first democracies were developed on the ships of old. It was here that we were "sworn" and dedicated to the good of the total crew and all shared in the destination and victory.

"Soul mate" is a work of progress.

[strikeforce]

So true shadow but what do you mean by 'partner' and 'mate?

Soulmate?

Legit question Strike. For me a partner could be a partner in crime, business, life, sex or whatever. They come and go.

A mate for me is a "trusted dedicated" part of the whole. This word "mate" is used for the brave souls upon the high seas. All the "mates" were "equally important" for the function of the whole. This is why the first democracies were developed on the ships of old. It was here that we were "sworn" and dedicated to the good of the total crew and all shared in the destination and victory.

"Soul mate" is a work of progress.

Brilliantly put 

[Conundrum]

Knowing what you know about the questionable sexual boundaries, the possibility of abuse and trauma the person with BPD in your life was dealing with would you say that next time a person exhibits these lack of boundaries you would think twice about engaging sexually with them?

No, I would have no problem engaging with them again sexually (with protection). I know what I have to offer them, and know who I am. Would I actively seek that out is a different question.

[Reforming]

My exgf was sexually abused from the age of 7 until 10-11.

It does such terrible damage, it's like throwing acid at someone's a soul.

Mental hospitals are filled with who people who have been hurt in this way.

I agree with the posters who suggest compassion for those who have suffered.

This doesn't legitimise their subsequent abuse  of others but it's better and healthier to remind ourselves that despite the awful things they do it's not personal, it's part of their disorder.

There's a lot of debate about BPD and sexual abuse and I wouldn't suggest it's the primary cause but it nearly always happens in environment of neglect and dysfunction. And that's ripe territory for BPD

But sexual abuse in particular it is the root of so much pain, chaos and dysfunction.

As a partner you can't fix it - I spent 15 years trying to encourage and cajole my ex to get T but it was like trying to wrestle with the wind, exhausting and futile.

When I finally gave her an ultimatum she had an affair ending our relationship and the pressure on her to get therapy.

She did have issues with boundaries but it is such a loaded subject for someone who has been sexually abused a child.

Trying to broach the subject brings up so many issues. Their lack of boundaries is often the result of neglect and abuse but in their heart of hearts many believe the opposite.

Deep down many believe they were abused because they allowed it to happen that it was their fault because they are bad or dirty etc.

A child can still be aroused even though they are being abused... Can you imagine the terrible confusion and shame that leaves

Feeling complicit even though they are being betrayed by someone who is exploiting their trust and vulnerability

Sexual abuse is about using superior power to dominate or manipulate someone who is weaker or vulnerable.

But the most terrible and destructive thing is how the abuser leaves their victim feeling complicit and responsible for what happened.

That terrible shame and betrayal destroys self esteem, trust and leaves the abused seeing intimacy as something that's terribly frightening and dangerous.

Can you blame them? I can't…

I hate what it does to them and to the people who love them

[Conundrum]

Reforming, you did your best. You tackled the most difficult of circumstances with a woman. I did the same. We demonstrated something to them--that is intrinsically good. Countering the evil. They will carry that within despite the abuse and the disorder. In another life, they will be healed. 

[strikeforce]

I have never blamed my ex for the way she is.

It wasn't her fault, she never asked to be this way, never asked to be abused as a kid.

What it boils down too is that we cant do anything substantial with them. We cant cure them. And the longer we stay the more damaged we will become.

The sad reality is simply the fact that we need to cut them out to save ourselves.

If I could cure her I would, if I could end sexual abuse I would. But this is the grim world that we live in. It would take the combined effort of humanity to change the world, which is simply never going to happen. Thankfully, one day, the show will be over for good.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have never blamed my ex for the way she is.

It wasn't her fault, she never asked to be this way, never asked to be abused as a kid.

True, it wasn't her fault, but how she treats people is still her responsibility, and inexcusable is inexcusable, as it is with everyone.

The sad reality is simply the fact that we need to cut them out to save ourselves.

Also true.  And maybe one of these times, one of these suitors, or all of them collectively, will cause a light to go on in that damaged psyche that will motivate them to go get, and stay with, professional help.  It is not a hopeless condition, the prognosis is actually good, but only if a borderline wants it.

[strikeforce]

I guess that's true. I was talking to a mental health worker sometime ago while I was still with my ex. He said that the disorder is no excuse for bad behavior.

He said they use the disorder as an excuse to do what they want. That was the eye opener for me. A week later we had split up.

Is there any examples on here of therapy/professional help working?

[slimmiller]

Is there any examples on here of therapy/professional help working?

I m interested in knowing this answer as well... .Anyone?


I have seen a few examples described where it 'was' working here in the past but invariably the person comes back saying it didnt work

[strikeforce]

Mine started therapy and counseling after we split up the first time but then once she had got me back, after a period of separation, she left therapy and never went back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine started therapy and counseling after we split up the first time but then once she had got me back, after a period of separation, she left therapy and never went back.

I haven't seen anything here, doesn't mean it isn't here, but there are memoirs and books written by borderlines who consider themselves 'cured'.

I liken it to recovery from alcoholism, in that it's an uphill battle that takes a lot of work for a long time, and there is no cure, there's just continued vigilance involved to keep the symptoms at bay.  And as with alcoholism the success rate is low, but there are success stories by folks who have wanted to do the work and have stuck with it for years, literally.

[strikeforce]

Mine started therapy and counseling after we split up the first time but then once she had got me back, after a period of separation, she left therapy and never went back.

I haven't seen anything here, doesn't mean it isn't here, but there are memoirs and books written by borderlines who consider themselves 'cured'.

I liken it to recovery from alcoholism, in that it's an uphill battle that takes a lot of work for a long time, and there is no cure, there's just continued vigilance involved to keep the symptoms at bay.  And as with alcoholism the success rate is low, but there are success stories by folks who have wanted to do the work and have stuck with it for years, literally.

I don't mean to be crude but I will never take anything said by a BPD at face value. My ex would say there was nothing wrong with her and then admit there was a problem.

I need to see something from a partner of a BPD who can say that they are cured and the love and intimacy is lasting.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, that would be the test, independent verification.

As we know borderlines spin webs of lies and create a facade, open, honest communication is hard to come by, and there's so much chaos between their ears that the 'truth' changes on the fly.  That is my understanding of long term care: a borderline lacks the ability to self-soothe so they feel all emotions strongly, and when the emotion of the moment is in control reality and rational thought go out the window.  The first step in therapy is to teach a borderline to self-soothe, DBT is a chosen method, and once they get reasonably good at that, they can develop a relationship with the therapist that is based on trust and respect, the rubber hits the road, and things get real.  For once.  A big issue with a borderline is they keep doing things they're ashamed of and repress it, where it bubbles up in rage or impulsive behavior or any of the other thrills.  The point of therapy is to stop the bleeding, learn to self-soothe, and then address all the shame and guilt.  A very hard road.

[strikeforce]

My ex had BPD at a chronic level, that was the psychiatrists own words.

Told her that she would be on high levels of medication for the rest of her life.

I seriously doubt she would ever be in a position to get the help she needs.

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex had BPD at a chronic level, that was the psychiatrists own words.

Told her that she would be on high levels of medication for the rest of her life.

I seriously doubt she would ever be in a position to get the help she needs.

Sorry man. 

I've read that shrinks have historically shied away from borderlines, considering them the hardest to treat or even untreatable, and it's common to prescribe meds to keep the lid on. 

Sidebar: my borderline went to her GP to talk about trouble sleeping and she walked out with scrips for heavy psych meds, wonder what the doc thought and how that appointment went; my borderline was just pissed because she just wanted sleep meds and didn't find out what the meds were until she got to the pharmacy.

Anyway, apparently there are specialists on BPD now and the field is growing and getting mature, so maybe there's cause for more hope than previously, although the borderline's still gotta want it or nothing will happen.

[strikeforce]

My ex had BPD at a chronic level, that was the psychiatrists own words.

Told her that she would be on high levels of medication for the rest of her life.

I seriously doubt she would ever be in a position to get the help she needs.

Sorry man. 

I've read that shrinks have historically shied away from borderlines, considering them the hardest to treat or even untreatable, and it's common to prescribe meds to keep the lid on. 

Sidebar: my borderline went to her GP to talk about trouble sleeping and she walked out with scrips for heavy psych meds, wonder what the doc thought and how that appointment went; my borderline was just pissed because she just wanted sleep meds and didn't find out what the meds were until she got to the pharmacy.

Anyway, apparently there are specialists on BPD now and the field is growing and getting mature, so maybe there's cause for more hope than previously, although the borderline's still gotta want it or nothing will happen.

That's exactly the same story with mine. She had trouble sleeping, would text me at 3am worrying etc.

She went to the docs and she ended up on high level anti-psychotics.

She told me after we split up for the final time a few weeks back that the meds were no longer working.

She was on 300mg of anti-psychotics per day.

[Maro12]

Do they always cheat?

My BPDgf is also very hot in bed, i was suprized what she was doing from the beginning. I felt suspicious about that from the beginning of our relationship. From the beginning i felt a litte strange about it. Her thoughts were always around sex. She wanted to do this if we were angry on each other or fighting. When after her "anger attack" I am upset and dont want to have sex with her, she is terrorizing me, she closes herself in bathroom saying "I will do it myself if you dont want to"... .or jus does it laying next to me... .than saying in hate "I dont need you"... .It makes me brainwash! I caught her on lie about the guy he met, I did not caught her cheating but I have strong suspicions that she does it. We do not leave together, she lives with her small kids, but I am pretty sure she does it over internet... .many times she behaved strange when I called in the evening. Once I came to her place her massage thing, sexy sleeping thing which she does not use except "hot nights" and earphones was laying in front of computer... .I asked her what is this? she "did not want to talk about it", she was explaining herself a lot... .but I see how she looks on guys everywhere we go... .

Can they be so skilled in lies? I go insane cause explanations she sais are sometimes so out of sense and she thinks people can belive it... .well at the end we fight and after I am thinking "maybe I am too jelaous, maybe I am exagerrating cause I did not cought her "on this", I feel guilty and she goes fourious, but I can not sometimes negate common sense.

[DreamGirl]

I love this discussion.  

It helps in the part of the detachment process that says: Breakdown the loss (the situation) to understand it in a clear and balanced way - your part, your partner's part; what is normal relationship "stuff", what was abnormal; what was malicious, what was weakness, or what was ignorance. It's very important to detach from your emotions for this and look at things in a analytical way (use your inner witness).

I remember a couple years ago, one of the members explained to me that a person with BPD is still just a person and like any person - there are likable traits about them and there are not so likable traits about them. The pwBPD in my life can be really funny, actually she is extremely witty - a little bit on the crass side though. So at a bar or other kind of adult party, she can be a hoot. She also struggles in boundaries, so she's been known to take that same kind of humor and exhibit it at a birthday party for her 11 year old or a Halloween party where kids are present.

When I didn't understand BPD behavior, I used to think she was weird, attention seeking and obnoxious. The more I understood BPD however, I started to see that here's this really funny person whose filter just has not been properly developed.

Not all pwBPD cheat. Not all pwBPD are sexually aggressive or in contrast sexually passive. Not all pwBPD were molested. Each pwBPD has their own story to get her/him to develop these really poor coping skills. Like fromheeltoheal said - the core issues for a pwBPD is the ability to regulate emotions (i.e. self soothe). When you understand that aspect, the behavior starts to make more sense and feel less personal - or at least it did for me.

If so inclined, I really, really recommend the video linked below - it's not boring, I promise. And that's coming from me who is easily bored.

It gives a clinical perspective (Linehan, Gunderson), family member's perspective (a mother, a wife), and even a pwBPD perspective (both male and female). It answers about 90% of the questions raised in this thread: Is it treatable? How is it caused? Who has seen success?. It's 45 minutes, so I'd suggest some popcorn. Kettle corn if you're anything like me and have a sweet tooth.

Back from the Edge - Borderline Personality Disorder

~DreamGirl

[Reforming]

Reforming, you did your best. You tackled the most difficult of circumstances with a woman. I did the same. We demonstrated something to them--that is intrinsically good. Countering the evil. They will carry that within despite the abuse and the disorder. In another life, they will be healed. 

Thanks Conundrum. I made lots of mistakes too and brought my own trauma and issues into our relationship but I have begun to accept that I did the best I could.

I'm still very sad that the outcome wasn't different but I recognise that's all I could do.

And my soul feels lighter for knowing this and with time and work I will heal.

I really hope that she can heal too even though I recognise that it won't be with me

[Juno]

My ex and I started out very innocently. We developed what I thought was a friendship. She quickly seized that theme and continued to push the envelope until it became nothing but sex. I have no doubt she must of been abused as a child to take the chances that she took to be with me. I was 18 and she was my former high school teacher. She was married and is still married today. I still can't believe the risk's she took that could of ruined her marriage and career. Yet, she acted like she was possessed when it came to sex. She didn't have any boundaries or self-control.  She didn't care in the least that we were doing it in the public. In fact, she seemed to get off on it. I remember she called me on the phone in the middle of the night and told me to meet her outside her house! Her husband was asleep upstairs. Being young and stupid I actually met her outside. When it became very apparent that she was going to have sex with me I told her to stop. It still became a make-out session though. I can't believe she could be so professional and then change into this entirely different person that was in ''heat".

That relationship lasted two years. She still tries to contact me today, even though she is still married. I've often wondered how many others are out there. Her appetite for sex was very intense and I doubt that went away after I moved on. She taught for over 20 years after she met me. I can't imagine I was the only one.

[ucmeicu2]

Mine like yours knows I was the nicest guy ever to enter her life and that she has lost me forever now.

Sad.

Mine has said similiar things to me.

Did yours ever actually say this or is this a conclusion for you? I know its true for most of us (that we even deserve better) but I m wonder 'IF' it was acknowledged, was she at all moved by it?

Yep she said it many times in the relationship and after we separated

yep, mine said she was sexually abused AND that i was the nicest/sweetest/most respectful/most loving/etc,etc AND all the others were scumbags who used her and abused her and treatly her badly in any/all number of ways.

my question:  don't any of you ever think that pwBPD say that to EVERY new person they're with?  it's part of the charm... part of the hooking... .reeling us in.

i'll be the first to admit that i ate it up and came back for seconds!  it still sometimes makes me sad to realize that she most likely said that to every man/woman in her life b/c that's just simply part of the BPD script, and i fell for it.  for some reason, i needed it.

[fromheeltoheal]

my question:  don't any of you ever think that pwBPD say that to EVERY new person they're with?  it's part of the charm... part of the hooking... .reeling us in.

i'll be the first to admit that i ate it up and came back for seconds!  it still sometimes makes me sad to realize that she most likely said that to every man/woman in her life b/c that's just simply part of the BPD script, and i fell for it.  for some reason, i needed it.

Actually it's part of the attachment.  Remember a borderline never separates from their primary caregiver, usually their mother, in infancy, and never develops an autonomous 'self'.  So they spend their lives looking for a replacement attachment to make themselves whole, all subconscious mind you.  But for a period of time, in borderline fantasy land, we were that pristine, ideal attachment that was going to make all the abandonment fears go away and let her feel whole; we really were perfect in their mind for a while.  That being a fantasy, when reality hits it is another very painful traumatic disappointment for the borderline, hurts like hell, they blame themselves, can't deal with the shame, project it on the object of the failed attachment, and hell for us ensues.  And of course all the previous suitors went through the same thing, so they're scumbags too.

for some reason, i needed it.  Why is one of the most important questions we can ask moving forward.

[ShadowDancer]

Of course we "needed it". We are white knights and our armor could use a good polishing in the "moment".

Lost boys rescue broken girls.

I realized that suit of armor was not fine tempered steel twas only tin foil. That cape I once wore was not fine red silk, twas only a dirty towel. And she was... .she was who she was.

Now that I know who I am, yes she told that "story" to anyone who would listen. undoubtedly.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Of course we "needed it". We are white knights and our armor could use a good polishing in the "moment".

Lost boys rescue broken girls.

I realized that suit of armor was not fine tempered steel twas only tin foil. That cape I once wore was not fine red silk, twas only a dirty towel. And she was... .she was who she was.

Now that I know who I am, yes she told that "story" to anyone who would listen. undoubtedly.

Haha, this post made me laugh. So true! Even though we were probably more damaged by the relationship. We have more of an opportunity to heal from it. Where as Borderlines go through life never really healing. (I guess it's possible, but very unlikely)

[ucmeicu2]

Soulmate?

i'm gonna take a humorous stab at this and say "INmate"?     it sure felt like i was in an asylum sometimes... .a prisoner at others... .

What it boils down too is that we cant do anything substantial with them. We cant cure them. And the longer we stay the more damaged we will become.  The sad reality is simply the fact that we need to cut them out to save ourselves.

[/quote]


oh my gosh, so well put, so true... .yet, even tho i understand this intellectually, it's still sometimes very difficult emotionally... .  i am so frackin' tired of fighting reality.  i kinda feel like that research monkey that put his hand through a hole in a box to grab the banana but couldn't figure out how to get out his hand AND the banana.  ended up dying.  but hey, he still had the banana! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Is there any examples on here of therapy/professional help working?

There are success stories.  Steph over on Staying Board has a success story with her BPD husband, and there are others.  Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT, suffered from BPD.  There is a great book called Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland, and it is a success story.  So, yes, recovery is possible.

[peas]

I can't speak to BPD women and their sexploitations, but my uBPDexbf said something odd during sex toward the end of our r/s: he muttered "now you will see what a pervert I am" while he was going at it from behind and becoming increasingly aggressive. He also grabbed his camera phone and started video recording us from that angle. After that he clutched my hair and shoved my face into the mattress. (I was just thinking about this the other day; I still don't know what to make of this.)

Maybe that's a regular guy fantasy and not a BPD hang up. Maybe my past boyfriends wished they could have recorded sex with me but were afraid to ask.

I didn't want to shatter the mood for him, he seemed to be having such a good time, so I went with it. I also felt he was expressing some of his deeper desires and I didn't want to be a prude. I wanted to please him in whatever way. Also, he had been increasingly withdrawing attention from me up to that point so when he was suddenly all horny that day I was just glad for the attention.

Before all that, our sex life was pretty standard. Although I let him break some of my sex boundaries early on. I mean really, anything this guy wanted I gave him. 

Also, my ex had a bunch of slutty Facebook women friends that he followed, you know, those women who post half-naked model photos of themselves. He had a bunch of that. Which is also typical guy stuff. And he had the usual stash of porn.

I didn't ask my ex much about his past because I didn't want to know. So maybe he is a raving sex addict and has slept with half the town. Who knows? I just cared about him being with me. I do think however that he kept his options open with women while we were together. I always had a suspicion of that. Then right before he ended it he started threatening me, saying that a bunch of women wanted to sleep with him. Which I guess was his way of saying he was some stud and he was tempted to cheat. That's what hurt me most. 

[Changingman]

She told me she'd had 55 sexual partners and she was 28, really aggressive/submissive, loud wanted very physical painful sex to the point of rape fantasies, loved showing of to me she was the hottest girl i'd ever had (she wasn't) but no boundaries to anything. Got very repetitious, same old stuff, always drunk and other stuff. NEVER tender or loving, very athletic porno style. Very objective about her body, would sit in her knickers at first when i got back and say 'am I the best girlfriend in the world'... .no very far from it ... but it was fun. the lack of tenderness and never getting closer, safer always felt palpable, whatever she said.

[Surnia]

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