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Author Topic: Does this resonate with any of you? Trying to make sense and move on.  (Read 468 times)
sillyhead

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« on: April 27, 2014, 02:58:44 PM »

Hi everyone. I am sorry In advance for the long post!

I have recently come out of a relationship that was becoming quite toxic. A brief history: We met, we got on like a house on fire, the chemistry was amazing, we fell in love quickly. We were together for a year with a couple of breaks inbetween (all initiated by him). What led me to looking at BPD was that he has actually told other people that I have it. I have not had a diagnosis of BPD and do not believe it to be the case, but, I always like to reflect on my own behaviour which has led me here. I come from a Psychology background so what not completely unfamiliar with it.

What has led me to post, is that over these past few weeks I have come to realise when reading these forums, that rather than identifying with BPD sufferers, I am identifying more with people who are in relationships with BPD sufferers. I hope that I could give you some background and see if it resonated with any of you? I am just trying to make sense of the situation and hope that talking to others I may be better equipped to move on.

Trying to be as brief as possible. This relationship was by far my most important relationship. He made me realise what real unconditional love is, and, from what he told me he felt the same. He had never felt this way about anyone, and could see us together for a long time. When I entered the relationship I was in a really good place to start a relationship. I was confident, healthy, happy and secure. My self-esteem was great, I had a great social life, and was generally in a good place. Looking back I can see the cracks early on.

He would flip between being madly in love with me, to very subtle behaviours that made me feel insecure. I got the impression that he thought he was out of my league. Perhaps embarrassed of me. When with his friends he would critizise me in front of them. Or, he would want me to tone myself down. He was always very anxious of other peoples opinions and put that pressure on me also.

Sometimes I felt on top of the world with him, but other times he would treat me like I was diseased. A cold glance here, a look of disgust there, digs, critizisms. Sometimes he would just s___ when I was talking, for no apparent reason.

He would go out of his way sometimes to put me down if we were discussing something. He was extremely defensive, and took it personally if I appeared to have more knowledge on a subject. He once pretty much asked me to agree with everything he said in front of his friends. He didn't like it when I knew more than him.

The things he would do were often so subtle that they are hard to put down on paper, but I guess they were a long accumulation of things that ruined my self esteem. I was right in my instincts and what I felt from him. It came to light that he had written a list about me. 2 actually. Pros and cons if you will. The pros were things like we like the same music, he "loves" me, I have a stable job. The cons were things that many people would see as ridiculous - my side profile (What the heck), he doesn't feel "proud" to be with me (again he was very self indulgent and cared far too much of others opinions, even though he had an inaccurate perception of them). He later told me that he was an idiot to write the list. That he has never been more emotionally and physically attracted to and connected with a person, but that thinking about us and how he feels causes him great anxiety.

This theme continued. His anxiety started to become out of control. One minute he would be declaring his love, the next he would be questioning everything. He started to react totally out of a proportion to minor disagreements. Punching walls, crying, talking of suicide. One minute he would cling to me and call himself worthless, the next I am supressing him. He started testing his own feelings, questioning every action. At one point he decided that perhaps he didn't love me, he just loved how much I love him.

He ended it with me multiple times. Each time coming back in a panic of tears. Knowing for sure this time... . Each time he did it I became more broken, and even MORE insecure, needing MORE reassuring. This was a huge pressure for him. We got into a cycle we couldn't fix. He freely admitted that thinking about and analysing himself and his feelings for me sent him in to an anxious tailspin, but that he did want to be with me.

A week later we are going out with my friends for the first time (in nearly a year of being together and me spending a lot of time with his friends and family). It was kind of a big deal. The night starts off great. Until his friends (who bullied him as a teen and who he has never felt fully accepted by) pressure him to come and meet them. He goes promising to meet me back in an hour. He doesn't show. I will spare you the details but this ultimately caused the final break up. Where he coldly told me that I am not the woman for him. He does not love me. And, when I showed emotion - Ive tried to do this multiple times before - (acts as if I have forced him to be with me) and that I should "have respect for myself). It has been 3 months since this day. I have tried to reach out to him via text a few times. I have tried to call. And have sent some emails. Most of which pretty much ask him for closure. And ask whether he is ok.

Each and every contact has been ignored. I am now blocked on every medium. None of my contacts were hostile. All were respectful, all showed genuine empathy and care. All of them asked for reasonable things. I understand it is his decision if he wishes to be silent. But he has behaved rather cruely. I am left with so many unanswered questions, and cannot understand how someone can love you one moment, and then the next you are basically dead to them. The awful thing is, I treated him very well, despite all what was happening, and always gave the relationship my all. The latest development which has really upset me, is, despite admitting where he went wrong, telling me how guilty and awful he felt, he is now spreading to family and friends that I am "crazy". I have "BPD" and I am "obsessive".

I wont say that I just dropped off the face of the earth and accept this break up straight away. Of course I didn't. Because I care about him and genuinely thought it was due to his anxiety and I still wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be sure in my heart that this was what he really wanted, as he had pushed and pulled so much. I have asked him for answers - nicely. I haven't harassed him, threatened him. Yet he is painting me black to everyone. It is so hurtful and I am left in pieces. My final action was to send him a letter explaining everything I want to say. And I am leaving it at that. Sadly, I suspect he will not open it and will forever act as if I never meant a thing to him. All I ever wanted was for a civil amicable ending where we could both close the door knowing that this meant something, and keep our happy memories. Instead its like he has made it into a game of making me feel as worthless as possible.

So sorry for the long post. I would really appreciate your thoughts, guidance, support etc Smiling (click to insert in post)
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2014, 03:55:25 PM »

 Welcome

Thank you for sharing your story! Believe me, you will find a lot of help, support, and inspiration here -- as well as a safe place to process your relationship and feelings. Don't apologize for a long post -- writing things out is very helpful.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have recently come out of a relationship that was becoming quite toxic. A brief history: We met, we got on like a house on fire, the chemistry was amazing, we fell in love quickly. We were together for a year with a couple of breaks inbetween (all initiated by him). What led me to looking at BPD was that he has actually told other people that I have it. I have not had a diagnosis of BPD and do not believe it to be the case, but, I always like to reflect on my own behaviour which has led me here. I come from a Psychology background so what not completely unfamiliar with it.

I'm speaking to his behavior here: I can't honestly think of much else that so aptly encapsulates BPD than to accuse one's partner of having it.  

Now, I'm not saying he has it, by any means. But a lot of the behavior you describe certainly fits BPD traits. If you're familiar with the traits, then you know that they Project. They also Gas-light. They Blame. And they usually refuse to take responsibility for themselves and acknowledge that they have any issues.

He would flip between being madly in love with me, to very subtle behaviours that made me feel insecure. I got the impression that he thought he was out of my league. Perhaps embarrassed of me. When with his friends he would critizise me in front of them. Or, he would want me to tone myself down. He was always very anxious of other peoples opinions and put that pressure on me also.

Sometimes I felt on top of the world with him, but other times he would treat me like I was diseased. A cold glance here, a look of disgust there, digs, critizisms. Sometimes he would just s___ when I was talking, for no apparent reason.

He would go out of his way sometimes to put me down if we were discussing something. He was extremely defensive, and took it personally if I appeared to have more knowledge on a subject. He once pretty much asked me to agree with everything he said in front of his friends. He didn't like it when I knew more than him.

It sounds like he exhibited some NPD traits, as well. (Again... . I'm in no way trying to diagnose... . people can display traits and not be disordered. And in the end, it's less about what disorder(s) he might or might not have, and more how the relationship affected you.)

My exBPDbf did all of these things, too. Well do I know the insane roller-coaster of going from goddess to trash and back again, seemingly for no apparent reason. (Idealization and Devaluation.) As well as the attempts to "act" in certain ways according to his anxieties and his perceptions of others' opinions.

The things he would do were often so subtle that they are hard to put down on paper, but I guess they were a long accumulation of things that ruined my self esteem.

I feel you completely.   I'm so sorry you've gone through this.

I was right in my instincts and what I felt from him. It came to light that he had written a list about me. 2 actually. Pros and cons if you will.

My exbf had a list about me, too. Not necessarily pros and cons, so much, but a list nevertheless -- random facts, tidbits from my history, things I said. As if he could distill my essence into an emotionless collection of words on a page.

This is pretty straight-up Objectification.

The pros were things like we like the same music, he "loves" me, I have a stable job. The cons were things that many people would see as ridiculous - my side profile (What the heck), he doesn't feel "proud" to be with me (again he was very self indulgent and cared far too much of others opinions, even though he had an inaccurate perception of them).

This guy is... . wow. I'm glad you're able to see how toxic and yes ridiculous his behaviors are.

He later told me that he was an idiot to write the list. That he has never been more emotionally and physically attracted to and connected with a person, but that thinking about us and how he feels causes him great anxiety.

This is probably very true. Getting close to someone triggers deep anxieties and fears in a pwBPD.

This theme continued. His anxiety started to become out of control. One minute he would be declaring his love, the next he would be questioning everything. He started to react totally out of a proportion to minor disagreements. Punching walls, crying, talking of suicide. One minute he would cling to me and call himself worthless, the next I am supressing him. He started testing his own feelings, questioning every action. At one point he decided that perhaps he didn't love me, he just loved how much I love him.

You're singing my song.   I went through all of this with my exbf, too, and I'm far from the only one here.

The clinging and then accusations of suppression are manifestations of the Push-Pull urge -- fear of abandonment that results in clinginess, then fear of engulfment . The key word there is "fear." Rather than reacting to actual actions, events, words, etc., the pwBPD is reacting to his/her fear. The perception rather than the reality.

One of the core issues with BPD is the inability to trust one's emotions. They will question actions, feelings, even the definition of "feeling."

He ended it with me multiple times. Each time coming back in a panic of tears. Knowing for sure this time... . Each time he did it I became more broken, and even MORE insecure, needing MORE reassuring. This was a huge pressure for him. We got into a cycle we couldn't fix. He freely admitted that thinking about and analysing himself and his feelings for me sent him in to an anxious tailspin, but that he did want to be with me.

That is understandable. Being in this sort of relationship, and the cycle, naturally will chip away at your security, self-assurance, and self-esteem.

I'm glad you're starting to look at the relationship from a place of detachment. This is a big step in healing. Another big step is that you're also looking at how his behavior made you feel. Because you should be your main focus right now.

He goes promising to meet me back in an hour. He doesn't show. I will spare you the details but this ultimately caused the final break up. Where he coldly told me that I am not the woman for him. He does not love me. And, when I showed emotion - Ive tried to do this multiple times before - (acts as if I have forced him to be with me) and that I should "have respect for myself).

Oh, he's a charmer!   It's devastating to realize that someone you've given so much of yourself to can "turn" like this. It's important to realize that what he's saying is a reflection of his issues and distorted mindset. It has very little to do with you at all and everything to do with him.

I am left with so many unanswered questions, and cannot understand how someone can love you one moment, and then the next you are basically dead to them.

It's unfortunately not something that can ever be truly understood. His mindset is completely different from yours. Be thankful that you don't understand how it's possible to love someone and then cut them off completely.

The awful thing is, I treated him very well, despite all what was happening, and always gave the relationship my all.

That's not awful at all. That says everything about you -- and about him. You are a giving, loving person who was willing to work with him to build a relationship together. He is... . not.

The latest development which has really upset me, is, despite admitting where he went wrong, telling me how guilty and awful he felt, he is now spreading to family and friends that I am "crazy". I have "BPD" and I am "obsessive".

He is projecting and painting black. That's cruel and hurtful, and you have every right to be upset.

Have you talked to your family and friends about this? Are they being supportive of you?

It has been 3 months since this day. I have tried to reach out to him via text a few times. I have tried to call. And have sent some emails. Most of which pretty much ask him for closure. And ask whether he is ok.

Each and every contact has been ignored. I am now blocked on every medium. None of my contacts were hostile. All were respectful, all showed genuine empathy and care. All of them asked for reasonable things. I understand it is his decision if he wishes to be silent. But he has behaved rather cruely.

Yes, he has behaved cruelly. And you are a caring, empathetic person who deserves better.  

I understand the need for closure. It's hard for us to resolve, process, and move on when we feel like we don't have it. Sadly, these relationships hardly ever give us closure. But the good news is that you can find your own closure. And you're doing great work already to get there.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2014, 04:37:36 PM »

I am left with so many unanswered questions, and cannot understand how someone can love you one moment, and then the next you are basically dead to them. The awful thing is, I treated him very well, despite all what was happening, and always gave the relationship my all.

I have had a hard time understanding that as well.

So much of this post is stuff I have experienced with my uBPDstbxw.  My wife abandoned me 8 months ago NC without closure. Sometimes those with BPD and especially Narcissists don't allow closure. My advice is don't expect it. Be glad you didn't get married. It is almost impossible to have a successful relationship with somebody with BPD who isn't being treated for the disorder. He sees it another way than you. That's how my wife is, nothing I do or say will change her distorted view.

Ask yourself if you are not better off looking for a healthy person that truly cares about you that you can have a happy stable relationship with. I know I am not going back. Are you prepared what you would do if he calls you and says he wants to get back together? My wife did the "I'm Sorry" line often. Then did the same stuff again, that's not really being sorry.



AO
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2014, 04:48:29 PM »

sillyhead, if you haven't already done so, I'd urge you to also check out this article:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Excerpt
Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor [his] appearance and actions to please others, [he] often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

Excerpt
Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.

Excerpt
Love: The Clinger Phase

A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

Excerpt
Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you.

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2014, 04:50:00 PM »

I think you will find many, many people here who questioned whether or not they were the crazy ones during/after their relationships with their BPDxs. The gaslighting might be the worst feature of all after we split, my ex consistently insinuated that our relationship was not "serious" or significant, even though she brought up marriage and children on numerous occasions (these were "impulsive things she said in te moment" or some such). Obviously I found such insinuations hurtful, and I would ask her how she could honestly say such things, at which point she would routinely say "you're acting crazy and obsessive." That of course is a self-esteem killer, and I definitely began to feel that way. I realized that the only way I could stop feeling that way was to simply not communicate with her at all; any attempt at communication would end this way, or anyway with me feeling terrible. Distance will allow you to feel like a sane, healthy person again, and it (along with time) will give you even more perspective on your ex's behavior as well.
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sillyhead

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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2014, 04:52:55 PM »

Thank you to both of you. After being slammed, shamed, humiliated and made to feel like I am going crazy, Its nice to know that his behaviour is not reasonable, nor what you would expect from the average person.

Yes, he does have many narcissistic qualities. Not your typical kind though. He was both self-indulgent yet self loathing at the same time. Everything seemed to be about what impact this would have on his outward persona to other people. And much of the time, it was completely inaccurate.

I think some of this stems from being good friends with the very people who bullied him and who he continually even at the age of almost 30, tries to gain validation from.

No I am not prepared. Not in the slightest. I miss him like a heartbeat. And despite the fact that he treated me poorly, we also were connected in a way I have never experienced before. It was both my best and worst relationship I have ever had. And I love him dearly.

If he returned - would I accept him back as a boyfriend? No. Not instantly. But I would hold him, and take care of him, and want to support him. And I cannot help that, because I still consider him my family. But no I would not dive into anything. He would have to earn my friendship.

He is seeking counselling and has been previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The counselling service (branch of the NHS) is not designed to diagnose though. He will likely be doing a 6 week course of CBT. If I am honest, from my background in psychology - this type of therapy may only worsen his illness if it is indeed a PD.

I do not believe that he has set out to hurt me. I think, in his own warped mind, he genuinelly believes that I am a threat. He is incredibly anxious. To the point where he thought people were laughing at him on the bus, staring at him at the restaurant. I believe he full on believes that I am a crazy psycho ex who wants to destroy his life. I am not, never have been. But at this moment in time, thats what he feels. And, as he has painted me black to his friends and family and they dont know the full story, their reactions and the therapists actions are only likely to reinforce this belief.

I just wish he would at least read my letter. I believe as he thinks I am BPD, he is trying to detatch himself to prevent further harm to himself. He sees me as the source of his anxiety.

I believe in time - it may take years - perhaps when this happens in his next R/S, he will reflect and realise.

Its very painful to go through this though. I wish I could help him.
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sillyhead

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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2014, 05:04:37 PM »

sillyhead, if you haven't already done so, I'd urge you to also check out this article:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Excerpt
Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor [his] appearance and actions to please others, [he] often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

Excerpt
Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.

Excerpt
Love: The Clinger Phase

A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

Excerpt
Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you.

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.


This does resonate with me - which is strange especially being that he is male! The main part that chimes is the part about it basically being all about him. At one point we actually got into a discussion about this, where he actually admitted that he feels like he may be in love with the fact that I am so in love with him than actually in love with me.

He loved to listen to me tell him all the things I loved about him. But couldnt name one thing he loved about me at times. OR when he did, it was always how I made him feel - you make me feel sexy, you make me feel funny, you make me feel adored.

I was always taking care of him emotionally, nothing was too much for him. I was his teacher, his mother, his friend, his therapist, his journal.

But then he became completely critical of me and everything I do. He was happy whenever I was feeding his ego. Otherwise he found me to be a know it all, crude, dorky.

But I still, right now even, perhaps even more so, have the overwhelming desire to shake him till he realises whats going on here. To tell him to stop blowing the best thing either of us have had. To let me help him, to let me go through this with him. Despite the fact, that he believes I have BPD - and rather than show empathy, kindness, support and care - he chooses to instead slander me to everyone he knows because I am apparently "mentally ill" - despite the fact that he knows on some level that he is mentally ill himself (he sought counselling)... . I wonder if he will one day see the irony.
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2014, 05:20:37 PM »

There is so much I can relate to here.

My ex has labelled me BPD on several occasions to the point where I actually started to doubt myself and even checked the DSM. I have been in counseling sessions with her as support when her two psychologists openly spoke of her BPD diagnosis. She would then tell me afterwards that she wasn't convinced. She hits jackpot from my view, a full house!

Expert projection then came into play when she diagnosed me with BPD :-)

By all accounts No Contact is the gateway to freedom.
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sillyhead

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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2014, 05:32:54 PM »

There is so much I can relate to here.

My ex has labelled me BPD on several occasions to the point where I actually started to doubt myself and even checked the DSM. I have been in counseling sessions with her as support when her two psychologists openly spoke of her BPD diagnosis. She would then tell me afterwards that she wasn't convinced. She hits jackpot from my view, a full house!

Expert projection then came into play when she diagnosed me with BPD :-)

By all accounts No Contact is the gateway to freedom.

I know I must do this. But I feel guilty. Going through this has really made me realise what love really is. And I love this man so much that even this doesn't stop me wanting to be with him. (perhaps I have issues of my own). I believe in sticking together through thick and thin - but clearly he doesnt. Because if he thinks I am the one with BPD or mental illness in general - he hasnt even had the care or decency to even ask a mutual friend if I am ok. The only question he has ever asked relating to me at all is whether I have been with other people.

Thats it.

He has absolutely no care if I am ok or not. This is very hard to deal with.

I sometimes wonder if he is just not a very nice person.

I wonder whether I made this whole relationship and connection up in my head.

I wonder if I misread everything.

I have a list of positive memories. I actually sent these to him one time. And it screams love. I cant get my head around this. Its been 3 months and I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread trying to scrape through each day. I have moments of happiness, lots of moments, but they are tainted by the fact that I want to share these moments with him... Its soul destroying. I want him to be ok. I hope he is ok. I hope he doesnt feel tortured like I do. I hope that, if anything, he is at least more at peace and happier now.

I want him to be ok. Why wont he just tell me that hes ok?

Its awful.

I sent my final letter on Tuesday. I have had no contact since. And will continue  Its the only way.
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« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2014, 05:35:03 PM »

Thank you to both of you. After being slammed, shamed, humiliated and made to feel like I am going crazy, Its nice to know that his behaviour is not reasonable, nor what you would expect from the average person.

It's a huge relief to realize we're not alone and not going crazy. I can't tell you how much finding these boards helped me in my deeply lonely, broken, questioning times.

Yes, he does have many narcissistic qualities. Not your typical kind though. He was both self-indulgent yet self loathing at the same time. Everything seemed to be about what impact this would have on his outward persona to other people. And much of the time, it was completely inaccurate.

My exbf was the same -- self-indulgent (and often smug, too) but also self-loathing.

For a pwBPD, that outward persona is all they have. They don't have a stable sense of self. They are empty inside, picking up pieces here and there from others, mirroring and interpreting/misinterpreting. And, like you've realized, oftentimes their perceptions of others' intentions and thoughts is inaccurate. They tend to assign malice or negativity where there is none. Part of this is projection -- they feel that they are "bad," so others must be "bad."

No I am not prepared. Not in the slightest. I miss him like a heartbeat. And despite the fact that he treated me poorly, we also were connected in a way I have never experienced before. It was both my best and worst relationship I have ever had. And I love him dearly.

 I'm so sorry. I know it hurts like absolute hell.

I missed my exbf like my own soul. I still miss parts of our r/s, but I'm past that particular pain now. However, I know I'll always love him. It hurts far less now -- and in a much different way -- but it still hurts. When you love someone and invest in building a relationship... . it hurts.

I do not believe that he has set out to hurt me. I think, in his own warped mind, he genuinelly believes that I am a threat. He is incredibly anxious. To the point where he thought people were laughing at him on the bus, staring at him at the restaurant. I believe he full on believes that I am a crazy psycho ex who wants to destroy his life. I am not, never have been. But at this moment in time, thats what he feels. And, as he has painted me black to his friends and family and they dont know the full story, their reactions and the therapists actions are only likely to reinforce this belief.

You are absolutely right: he genuinely does believe/feel these things. That doesn't mean they're true, of course -- you already know that he very often misinterprets things and believes things that aren't true.

I just wish he would at least read my letter. I believe as he thinks I am BPD, he is trying to detatch himself to prevent further harm to himself. He sees me as the source of his anxiety.

Unfortunately, you have indeed become a source of anxiety for him. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's simply that being that close to someone causes him to feel overwhelming fear and anxiety. And once someone has become a trigger, it is near-impossible for the pwBPD to "un-trigger" them.

I believe in time - it may take years - perhaps when this happens in his next R/S, he will reflect and realise.

Maybe. Maybe not. The important thing is for you to reflect and realize for yourself.

Its very painful to go through this though. I wish I could help him.

I know you do. I wish I could help my ex, too.

It may help you to know that one of the best things you can do for him right now is not engage him. Since you've become a trigger, remaining detached from him is the healthiest thing you can do. For him AND most importantly for YOU.

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BacknthSaddle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 474


« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2014, 05:46:59 PM »

I think it's important to say though that what you're describing is not in fact what "love really is." Real love is secure and durable. Real love doesn't have partners constantly in fear that the other one will leave. Real love is built on mutual respect and shared interest. And on shared value.

What you're describing is infatuation.  Many of us in relationships with pwBPF have long mistaken this for love. Let's hope we find a healthier version.

Remember that people who truly love each other don't have to constantly tell each other how perfect they are, how they love them more than they ever new was possible, how no one will ever understand them like them, etc, because in a healthy relationship saying such things is unnecessary. The actions reveal them to be true.
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Popcorn71
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Posts: 483



« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2014, 01:05:14 AM »

Remember that people who truly love each other don't have to constantly tell each other how perfect they are, how they love them more than they ever new was possible, how no one will ever understand them like them, etc, because in a healthy relationship saying such things is unnecessary. The actions reveal them to be true.

I must remember this. It is so true. Both my ex husband's constantly said loving words and promises. Both left for replacements. Actions speak louder than words!

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