christmas and birthdays and NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to run this by the family.

I have known my ex's daughter for 5 years. To me she was my step daughter and I was daddy 2.

She is 11 on jan 3 rd.

I wanted to send a birthday card but this is breaking nc to me as my ex will take it as im still interested in playing happy families.

I fear she may use it as a lever in the future to re engage( she has used our kids in the past to do this)

I wanted the child to know that real people really love for ever and will care for ever.

But... .I worry that my motives are also to send a shot across the bows, to show I still exist and can and do feel love for my family. I didnt dissapear!

Is that showing weakness?

I havnt sent xmas cards nor had contact in weeks. In a normal rs this wouldnt be an issue, id just send the bloody card! Lol.

[Naddred369]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to run this by the family.

I have known my ex's daughter for 5 years. To me she was my step daughter and I was daddy 2.

She is 11 on jan 3 rd.

I wanted to send a birthday card but this is breaking nc to me as my ex will take it as im still interested in playing happy families.

I fear she may use it as a lever in the future to re engage( she has used our kids in the past to do this)

I wanted the child to know that real people really love for ever and will care for ever.

But... .I worry that my motives are also to send a shot across the bows, to show I still exist and can and do feel love for my family. I didnt dissapear!

Is that showing weakness?

I havnt sent xmas cards nor had contact in weeks. In a normal rs this wouldnt be an issue, id just send the bloody card! Lol.

[santa]

I wouldn't do it. I don't think it's a good idea. BPD women see their children as their property and if you reach out to the child, it's going to make her furious. She'll strike out at you.

I know it's essentially harmless and a nice gesture, but I feel like it will backfire.

[santa]

In our custody agreement, my ex insisted that she have our daughter every year on her birthday. I went along with it because I'm assuming she'll self-destruct rather quickly and I'll have full custody pretty soon, so I was just offering an olive branch. It's crazy how small things like birthdays can be such a big deal to these people.

[KE151]

Hi,

I have the same dilemma coming up in a few months.

My thinking goes like this: the kid is a separate person from her parent. She has her own life and her relationship to you is unique to you two.

Don't give a damn what the pwBPD says or even less, thinks. If she reacts, ignore, go back to NC.

Like the slogan says: Just Do it.

[Naddred369]

Key151.

That was my first reaction too. Its my right to do this and the child is loving and normal and would appreciate it.

BUT... .

Santa has a major point. My ex is a total maniac, she would take the card as a threat I think and would attack me one way or another. Im not strong enough yet to deal with her.

I feel it would be used as a weapon against me.

I was gonna send all my love letters and gifts back last month by post but she would go insaneand attack me again. She is what you would call a knob!

Do you feel it a weakness to send? Im not sure.

[KE151]

Do you feel it a weakness to send? Im not sure.

Hi naddred,

I think on the contrary, it shows strength. BUT if you feel the repercussions - whatever they might be - can be too much for you ATM, then don't jeopardize your healing.

I've probably come a bit further on my healing journey, so that impacts my judgment here.

Take care.

[necchi]

Ke151 ... I agree with you, i know how they can be and if you feel not up to it atm, forget it. You will have other occasions to show you care and will be in a better situation to cope with her behaviors

[Turkish]

In our custody agreement, my ex insisted that she have our daughter every year on her birthday. I went along with it because I'm assuming she'll self-destruct rather quickly and I'll have full custody pretty soon, so I was just offering an olive branch. It's crazy how small things like birthdays can be such a big deal to these people.

I echo no card. Sounds harsh, but I wouldn't give the opening.

Santa, though mine refuses to file with the court (still debating how to proceed with that), I feel the same way. She might voluntarily give me more time with them anyway (most people think so). I'd be interested on hearing how your story plays out, maybe in anotgher thread... .

[Ironmanrises]

Don't do it. It will only backfire on you, especially if the image she had of you is currently through the black lens. I have wanted to send out cards/gifts too to my exes 2 sons shining bonded with, I haven't because I fear the very real and scary blowback that could be unleashed on me.

[Nicco]

I could have the same problem too.

I've been a kind of "father" of my exBPDgf's son for a while and i kept him just with me without her mother for a while too... .a kind of link borned anyway and i think i've done more for him and with him then his real father.

Probaly it's unfair and i know it,but i won't send him anything for Christmas or for his next birthday in february... .my exBPDgf broke our relation almost 3 months ago and after many attempts to have her back i'm in strictly NC since a while.

And absolutely don't want to break it or give her the chance to think i'm trying to get her again or whatever she could think... .i explained it to all my family too,for ANY reason i want someone write them or send them something... .i'm sorry,i really am,but i can't do nothing more for them.

[Naddred369]

Hi Guys, Thanks for the advice.

Decision made: I will not send a card and will maintain NC.

I took a lot of advice over this including asking my own daughter and everyone said it would be a bad idea due to how my ex would react and to the phase of healing i am in.

Just dealing with the thoughts of contact has had me agitated all day.

I will never be a father to that child again, I know this. I cant do it again so I really have to let go... .of everything.

I want a life free of hurt and abuse and that means never ever having contact with the ex again.

Sending the card would be contact... .and the dance and cycle of abuse will resume.

Thankyou for your help guys. I read loads on this site and I take it all in.

I think its time to heal.

I think its time to focus on ME for once 

[recoverynow]

Do not break the no contact. Keep yourself safe.

[necchi]

Naddrend, i understand you are in a awkward place right now but maybe you should reconsider this sentence" i will never be a father to that child again"

Right now might not be the time to question this issue, maybe let this thought go and don't get preoccupied by it, accept the fact that you have not much power over this in the "now" , don't worry about it. This is negative thinking that add up in the turmoil. Right now it's useless to hold guilt, fears,resentment... .over this ... .

Assesse the damage you can cope with. Think about the kid, the love, happiness but don't go in the negative thoughts the distance is causing because NOW you must be well and cant focus on all issues. Easy does it ! You don't know the outcome and if you care this much about the kid, well chances are this kid do to and he for sure has not painted you black.

I'm pretty much in the same situation with my S3.   time man, time... .Remorses, all nothing feeling, negatives ideations makes us loose time.

if I'm way off on your facts, please tell me. I wil appreciate your feedbacks.