Update

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone,

I've been having a roller coaster of a time lately.  I've been trying to stay away from here, as it just makes me ask more and more questions.  Question even more of my times with my ex.  what was real and what was not?

Some interesting thoughts:

1.) I've been getting punished for a long long time.  Ever since her first perceived abandonment by me (where she actually abandoned me to go do drugs with her friends), I can look back now and see where she would punish me.  It escalated and escalated.  I begged her, pleaded her, worked with her, took on all her problems and put out all her fires.  But everytime I pulled back in the least, WHAMO punishment.  Her message is now clear to me, ":)on't do anything that I even perceive as you pulling back, or I will do the exact thing you are fearing worst to hurt you."

At the time I didn't think much of it.  It's only in retrospect. That sucked.  Still sucks.

2.) Wow she was manipulative.  She truly knew and still does know exactly how to pull my heart strings.  Even during the NC period, she was trying to manipulate me. 

3.) I completely lost myself with her.  She always had an attitude of "The world is a terrible hurtful place and everyone is bad".  I used to have the exact opposite outlook, as a compensatory strategy for the abuse I suffered as a child.  Now, I'm struggling to get it back, where I have faith in people but I watch actions like a hawk.

4.) I really think she was scared of losing me and she had to push me away.  She had an obsession over my last ex whom I left on good terms with because she was moving away.  I told my current ex about this when we met, and I entered the r/s with a very non-chalant, in the now attitude about life.  As soon as she went long-distance for summer, everything deteriorated very very rapidly.  From the very first day, it is clear to me now that she was doing everything she could to make me jealous, afraid, and on-edge.

5.) I still love her.  I believe I always will.  She has issues, I have issues.  I'm working on mine.  I hope she's working on hers.  From all outside evidence, it doesn't appear so, and it seems she has painted me black.  I did want to save her.  I still do.  It's sad to watch someone I care about so much be so self-destructive.  I've realized the most loving thing I can possibly do for her now is let her go, and give her the space and freedom to grow up, to learn her own lessons.  Perhaps the universe will re-unite us one day.  Until that day, I will hold her in my heart, and keep moving my own life forward.

Reading this post, it seems to come from a very strong, stable place in myself, which is interesting, given that I've been a wreck lately.  Crying.  Self Doubting.  Self Loathing.  Isolating.  Self Destructing.

But somewhere inside of me is the person I was before, even stronger given the insights I've made as a result of this past r/s.

I hope you are all well and recovering.  I care for each and every one of you.  My heart hurts for yours, though we've never met.  We've all shared a traumatic experience, and I so very much appreciate all of your support.

[PhoenixRising15]

Hey everyone,

I've been having a roller coaster of a time lately.  I've been trying to stay away from here, as it just makes me ask more and more questions.  Question even more of my times with my ex.  what was real and what was not?

Some interesting thoughts:

1.) I've been getting punished for a long long time.  Ever since her first perceived abandonment by me (where she actually abandoned me to go do drugs with her friends), I can look back now and see where she would punish me.  It escalated and escalated.  I begged her, pleaded her, worked with her, took on all her problems and put out all her fires.  But everytime I pulled back in the least, WHAMO punishment.  Her message is now clear to me, ":)on't do anything that I even perceive as you pulling back, or I will do the exact thing you are fearing worst to hurt you."

At the time I didn't think much of it.  It's only in retrospect. That sucked.  Still sucks.

2.) Wow she was manipulative.  She truly knew and still does know exactly how to pull my heart strings.  Even during the NC period, she was trying to manipulate me. 

3.) I completely lost myself with her.  She always had an attitude of "The world is a terrible hurtful place and everyone is bad".  I used to have the exact opposite outlook, as a compensatory strategy for the abuse I suffered as a child.  Now, I'm struggling to get it back, where I have faith in people but I watch actions like a hawk.

4.) I really think she was scared of losing me and she had to push me away.  She had an obsession over my last ex whom I left on good terms with because she was moving away.  I told my current ex about this when we met, and I entered the r/s with a very non-chalant, in the now attitude about life.  As soon as she went long-distance for summer, everything deteriorated very very rapidly.  From the very first day, it is clear to me now that she was doing everything she could to make me jealous, afraid, and on-edge.

5.) I still love her.  I believe I always will.  She has issues, I have issues.  I'm working on mine.  I hope she's working on hers.  From all outside evidence, it doesn't appear so, and it seems she has painted me black.  I did want to save her.  I still do.  It's sad to watch someone I care about so much be so self-destructive.  I've realized the most loving thing I can possibly do for her now is let her go, and give her the space and freedom to grow up, to learn her own lessons.  Perhaps the universe will re-unite us one day.  Until that day, I will hold her in my heart, and keep moving my own life forward.

Reading this post, it seems to come from a very strong, stable place in myself, which is interesting, given that I've been a wreck lately.  Crying.  Self Doubting.  Self Loathing.  Isolating.  Self Destructing.

But somewhere inside of me is the person I was before, even stronger given the insights I've made as a result of this past r/s.

I hope you are all well and recovering.  I care for each and every one of you.  My heart hurts for yours, though we've never met.  We've all shared a traumatic experience, and I so very much appreciate all of your support.

[Ironmanrises]

Question, here is a   for you friend. Keep healing. You know we walk with you.

[heartandwhole]

QF,

You are healing, and that's a beautiful thing.  Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs with us.

It's a wonderful feeling to know that we can come here and be heard, understood, and cared about.  We have each other's backs.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Once again, another post I could have written, thanks man.

One thing that jumped out was her version of the world; mine had a "people are ugly" mantra, and no wonder, she did tend to bring out the ugly in people, and she thought she was as ugly as they get, on some days, and god's gift to men on others.

Yeah, I still love mine too, not in love with her and I certainly don't want a relationship with her, but I do love her.  Or more accurately I love the beautiful little girl in there, under all the crap, the one who had a promising future before her parents fcked her up.

Yeah, I lost myself in the crazy too, turned into someone I didn't like, but under it all is the real me, I like that dude a lot, and the backlash is letting him out full strength; look out world.

You do sound stable and grounded in this post, and I bet writing it helped you get there.

Take care of you!