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Author Topic: Woe is Me Attitude  (Read 817 times)
karma_gal
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« on: December 17, 2013, 10:55:57 PM »

I just purchased the book, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me on my Kindle but haven't had a chance to start reading it yet due to work.  This may be answered in there.  I tried doing a search but am not coming up with anything.

What is the point, exactly, of pwBPD constantly exhibiting a "woe is me" attitude, moping and whining about what's wrong but doing absolutely nothing to find a solution? 

The most recent incident I'm referring to is my H was asked to run a job at work.  First of all, he can't run anything, including himself, and this is waaayyyy out of his league.  Rather than tell his boss he isn't comfortable taking it on, he jumps in, knowing that he doesn't possess the skills to handle the multi-tasking and stress involved in such a large-scale project. 

Since saying yes when he meant no, he has been sitting around the house emulating Eeoyre, moping around, and seriously looks like he's aged ten years in a week's time because the stress is killing him.  Today he had to call his project manager because he needed some information.  Supposedly he's asked for it two or three times and hasn't gotten it yet.  To hear him on the phone you would've thought his dog, his mom, and his best friend died this morning.  He was whining as soon as the PM answered, so the guy asked him what was wrong.  He sits there, whining in the most horridly childish voice, "Nothing's wrong.  I'll be fine.  I don't really want to talk about it right now."  All of this because he won't come out and just tell the PM that he needs this stuff; he sits on the phone and whines in his ear, and then gets off the phone and mopes around some more.

Finally, today, I couldn't take anymore.  I said, "Why don't you try to be proactive and look up the info you need online yourself?"  He whines and moans, "Oh, that's too hard.  It will take too much time.  He just hates me and wants me to fail."  It took me two minutes to hop online and get what he needed.  Is it just that he constantly wants to be rescued? 

Jesus, I wanted to scream, "BUCK UP, BUDDY," but didn't.  I left him to whine in misery on his own. 

All of that to ask:

Why is it that they deploy this mechanism of problem-solving, aka none, just expecting someone else to do it for them?

Why is it that they can almost always tell you what the problems are but they are so adverse to trying to find a solution?

What purpose does this moaning, whining and moping serve, exactly? 

I am going to wrap up work early tonight and start reading.  I'm anxious to get into the book and start making sense of some of this... .but it's scary to me to think that anyone has made sense of any of it. 
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maxen
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« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2013, 08:10:58 AM »

Jesus, I wanted to scream, "BUCK UP, BUDDY," but didn't.  I left him to whine in misery on his own. 

All of that to ask:

Why is it that they deploy this mechanism of problem-solving, aka none, just expecting someone else to do it for them?

i actually did say "you've got to grow a spine" to my stbxw when she whined for me to take care of something so minor that i can't remember it anymore. that was a BPD mistake. 

i'm not savvy enough in the deep bases of BPD to say for sure, but in the case of my w, the family dynamic may explain it. i never saw her father intervene in the lives of his children. her mother is a juvenile queen whom her father accommodates completely, and as the daughter she got the brunt of the unpleasant treatment. i'm convinced that she's spent her entire adult life looking for the man who would play the role her father never played, but should have: hugging her, telling her everything's going to be alright, and taking care of issues. i come from a corner of the culture where the women are asss and need no help from anyone. what i needed was a proactive partner and once we got into the marriage she wasn't going to be that.

i don't know if that would illuminate your husband's pattern though. how's he with his parents?
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« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2013, 08:43:05 AM »

My dBPDgf definitely mopes like this.  The solution may be right in front of her, but instead she will tell me how life sucks, how life is unfair, how she hates herself, how she is so depressed and unmotivated, she is too fat, and how she is so broke.  And after all that, she will ask me to take her out to get a piece of pie.  She's been depressed for months, no income, no motivation for anything - even to bathe or cook anything more than a microwave meal sometimes.  She will complain she is bored and lonely during the day, text bomb and call me at work complaining about it, yes can't pick herself up to do anything to solve her own problem.  She doesn't understand she is in control of her own life

"Why don't you try to be proactive and look up the info you need online yourself?"

Woah - you said that and did not get a rage or something thrown at you in return?  You give me courage that maybe I could try a sterner approach to her moping and not get yelled at or cursed at.  If I do anything other than validate her feelings, I either get a rage, or an "I'm so horrible I want to kill myself."

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karma_gal
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« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2013, 12:39:58 PM »

My dBPDgf definitely mopes like this.  The solution may be right in front of her, but instead she will tell me how life sucks, how life is unfair, how she hates herself, how she is so depressed and unmotivated, she is too fat, and how she is so broke.  And after all that, she will ask me to take her out to get a piece of pie.  She's been depressed for months, no income, no motivation for anything - even to bathe or cook anything more than a microwave meal sometimes.  She will complain she is bored and lonely during the day, text bomb and call me at work complaining about it, yes can't pick herself up to do anything to solve her own problem.  She doesn't understand she is in control of her own life

"Why don't you try to be proactive and look up the info you need online yourself?"



Woah - you said that and did not get a rage or something thrown at you in return? 
You give me courage that maybe I could try a sterner approach to her moping and not get yelled at or cursed at.  If I do anything other than validate her feelings, I either get a rage, or an "I'm so horrible I want to kill myself."

LOL, nope, didn't have to dodge flying objects, thank God! 

Mine is a "quiet rager," though, so something as demonstrative as throwing things or acting a fool isn't something he would do.  He's more the type to seethe, marinate in his anger at me, and then passive aggressively "get back" at me some other time, when he thinks I'm least expecting it.  I think I said in another post, usually this manifests itself as disabling my car on the day of an important appointment or something like that.  The sad part is, it's become predictable and I'm always expecting it.  You would him knowing that I know what he's up to would take the wind out of his sails and cause him to knock it off, but no dice.  I have even called folks where I had appointments and said, with him sitting there, "I am sorry I can't make my appointment today.  My husband got mad at me and disabled my car, so it won't start, and I can't get there."  Sure, that ticked him off and I "paid" for it with more PA behavior, but I am tired of living in a bubble where I'm the only one who knows what's going on.  Of course, I started all this "bold" behavior after reading a book that said to call them on their PA behavior each and every time, and BEFORE anyone suggested that hey, there's more than just that going on here.  Look into BPD because it fits what you are describing to a tee. 

We've been down this road a million times, and this is where we are.  I have been where you are: validating to avoid the fall-out.  But I'm sick of tip-toeing around him, trying to avoid making him angry, because the reality is everything makes him angry.  No matter the situation, I learned that I can't win; I am ALWAYS at fault for everything, no matter what, no matter what I do.  It was like a switch flipped for me a year or so ago and I just... .quit doing all those things that I wouldn't do for anyone else, i.e. putting up with the rages, validating when he needed to hear "do something," et cetera.  I just got fed up with babying him and "here-here'ing" him.   I've been in the situations you've described, too, with the self-loathing, aka, "I know.  I'm worthless.  I might as well just kill myself."  I HATE that more than anything because it's so manipulative.  I'm to the point where when he starts, I tell him that I love him, he obviously has some things he needs to work through, and I'm going to hit the book store or whatever for a bit and leave him to it.  When he gets to threatening suicide, I tell him the same thing, "I love you and I'm sorry that you feel that is your only option.  I hope you take some time and reconsider, but if you really feel that's your only way of coping with this problem I will support you in your decision."  Because I don't flip out and try to save him, spend hours trying to talk him out of it, that isn't a tactic that works for him anymore so he has quit using it. 

So many things you mentioned about your girlfriend, though, scream deep depression to me, which may or may not be part of the BPD.  Is she on medication?  Does she see a therapist or psychiatrist?  I do believe that the whole not seeing that they are in control of their own life might be a symptom of the BPD from the archives I've read here, but she is taking it to a whole nother level with the absolute zero motivation to even shower or fend for herself more than a microwave meal.  How are you dealing with this?  Living with a depressed person can be a miserable existence -- and I mean no offense to those who suffer; I have been there and remember vividly how deep of a hole I was in and how I couldn't stand living with myself sometimes -- but to add BPD components on top of it has to be... .well, a lot.  How are you coping so that her misery and negativity doesn't drag you down to her level? 
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« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2013, 01:14:43 PM »

Thanks so much for your response, karma.  It truly helped me calm down a little.

Yes, she is dealing with serious depression.  Serious and chronic.  She's got an Amtrak load of baggage from her past that she just can't let go of - at all.  Right now, she has no health insurance.  She has been classified as seriously mentally ill, so she goes to a clinic and sees a doctor that manages her medication - all free for her.  She is on Lithium and another mood stabilizer.  She has been diagnosed bipolar, and is a former drug addict, so they won't give her any antidepressants or anti anxiety medicines that may be addictive. 

But you are right - the suicide threats and talk have completely obliterated me - it's the hardest thing for me to deal with.  it makes talking about anything touchy or potentially triggering almost impossible, and she is triggered by almost everything.  And I hear those threats from her at least once a week (on a good week).  It's usually, "I hate myself, I should just die".  But the other night she said she was going to just throw away old medicine because, "she sees a suicide attempt waiting to happen,"  but then she added, "not that I am thinking or trying to scare you, I'm just saying."  Even though I know I enable her at times, and that I feel I validate too much to keep the peace, I do so because those suicide comments scare the crap out of me.  It is manipulation, but knowing she has attempted suicide at least twice, it's hard not to cave to that language.

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karma_gal
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« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2013, 01:30:22 PM »

Thanks so much for your response, karma.  It truly helped me calm down a little.

Yes, she is dealing with serious depression.  Serious and chronic.  She's got an Amtrak load of baggage from her past that she just can't let go of - at all.  Right now, she has no health insurance.  She has been classified as seriously mentally ill, so she goes to a clinic and sees a doctor that manages her medication - all free for her.  She is on Lithium and another mood stabilizer.  She has been diagnosed bipolar, and is a former drug addict, so they won't give her any antidepressants or anti anxiety medicines that may be addictive. 

But you are right - the suicide threats and talk have completely obliterated me - it's the hardest thing for me to deal with.  it makes talking about anything touchy or potentially triggering almost impossible, and she is triggered by almost everything.  And I hear those threats from her at least once a week (on a good week).  It's usually, "I hate myself, I should just die".  But the other night she said she was going to just throw away old medicine because, "she sees a suicide attempt waiting to happen,"  but then she added, "not that I am thinking or trying to scare you, I'm just saying."  Even though I know I enable her at times, and that I feel I validate too much to keep the peace, I do so because those suicide comments scare the crap out of me.  It is manipulation, but knowing she has attempted suicide at least twice, it's hard not to cave to that language.

Wow, you are dealing with A LOT!  Seriously, a lot more than I could have even imagined.  Or she is; you are collateral damage. 

Have you ever called 911 when she makes these threats?  I wonder what would happen if you did?  In her case, with her issues, she may be serious about wanting to die in that moment.  I don't know.  In my case, my husband has way too many narcissistic traits to ever mean it, so it's strictly manipulation on his part and that's where my advice was coming from.  I was not trying to be flippant and say, "Oh, she's just manipulating you," and saying to just ignore it because in your case she may very well mean it, and this could be one of those cases where being flippant could push her over the edge.  So just be mindful of that.  My approach probably won't work for you because the dynamics are WAY different.  With two attempts previously, I think that you have to take every threat seriously. 

But in your case, with all of this going on, say she threatens suicide and you called 911.  What would she do besides rage, which you already know she's going to do?  If it were me, that would be how I would handle it.  I would say, "Look, I love you, but I'm worried about you right now.  I do not have the qualifications to help you in this moment, but I am going to get you help."  And then I would call 911 and let them do an involuntary hold.  If she wasn't serious, now she knows that isn't an effective tactic.  If she was, you've avoided a tragedy. 

Is she communicating to her therapist/doc how often she's making suicide threats?  Could you?  Suicide is not as sexy subject anyway, but I have personally seen two people who chose to end their lives that way and had to stay behind to clean up the mess in the living rooms when other family couldn't.  It's just not something I would play many games with if I thought she were even remotely serious.  I would never wish on you or anyone else the things I've seen when people who threatened it were serious. 

I can appreciate and commend you for what you are doing for this girl, because so many wouldn't, but I really want you to make sure you are okay, that you are doing this for the right reasons -- i.e. not just staying and dealing with all of this because you think if you leave her she will make good on her threats.  From what I've read, it seems to me you would be doing so much better personally, professionally, and financially if you cut and run.  I know that's easier said than done -- God, do I know it -- but she is a girlfriend, not a wife.  It doesn't sound like you guys have kids together.  You are worth more than this. 
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« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2013, 02:28:11 PM »

Karma -

The first time I saw her rage at me was when I brought up that her negative mood was having a negative affect on me.  I wasn't trying to accuse her of anything, just trying to state that I have notice and it is hard for me to deal with.  I thought I was dealing with an emotionally healthy person before that.  Instead, I got instant rage while we were going somewhere.  Her screaming at me, accusing me of things, using that sarcastic mocking tone of voice, the "I hate you", I'm a horrible boyfriend, all the other men she has dated have treated her better, etc.  She screamed for about 45 minutes as my heart raced, I turned the car around and started driving home, she started punching her leg and her face, then demanded I let her out, tried to open the car door while I was driving 40mph down a busy street, so I pulled in to a supermarket to let her out.  She wouldn't get out, continues to punch herself and scream at me, so I told her that I would drive us home.  She tried one more time to open the car door while I was driving, I pulled over and she got out, walked down the street, sat and cried, and then I went and picked her up a few minutes later and we went home.  I remember she kept raging and saying mean things, so the next morning I told her I could not deal with this anymore, and told her she needs to find another place to live.  She raged and freaked out at me over that, then later that night kept it up, started hitting herself again, talked about killing herself, started throwing things at me (pillows and a stuffed animal, I think), started scratching the skin off her arm, and when I tried to approach her and calm her, she flung her arms at me.  I went outside and called a crisis line, who advised me to call the police.  I called 911, and the police came quickly, I met them in the front yard, and told them that she has mental health issues (she had only told me PTSD at that point), told them what happened, and I just want her to be safe and not hurt herself.  The police came inside, and I went into the bedroom and told her that I was worried about her and called someone to help.  When she saw the police officer she freaked out, screamed bad things at me.  the police officer said he would block the path and let me leave the room safely so that he could deal with her, while his partner talked to me in the other bedroom.  She screamed at the police, and then the officer told me he may have to handcuff her for his safety while they talked to her, and told me that could get ugly and that I should go into the living room.  I don't think they ever did restrain her, but they talked to her and she cursed at them, raged at them, and I was sure they would take her in for her own protection.  Instead, they came out to the living room, told me that she was not making any suicide threats to them, and they legally could not do anything unless I wanted to press some kind of charges.  They suggested instead I pack a bag, leave my own house for the night, and more than likely she would just leave on her won.  They told me to do that, then change the locks the next day.  After the left she came out of the bedroom, screaming "why did you do that to me?"  And then threatened to kill herself again, saying if I left for the evening or I called the police again, I would come home to find her dead on the floor (I think this was a manipulation - but I had no idea at the time).  I told her that if she would calm down and quit raging I would stay.  And then she pretty much broke down and cried for a few hours in my arms. 

I don't know how much she tells her therapists.  But due to lack of health insurance now, she does not see a therapist as often as she probably needs to.  My non-professional opinion is that she needs 5 days a week therapy, several hours a session.  And she thinks she needs this, too.  But of course she blames the system for not giving that to her.   When she was working back in August, she was very stressed out by her job, and making suicidal statements almost daily.  Not serious things, just "I don't see how everyone who works at this school hasn't killed themselves by now," or "I think they just want me to kill myself."  She got into see a psychiatrist, whom she must have told her suicidal thoughts to, because her psych walked her across the street and admitted her to the hospital.  She was in-patient for 10 days, then 3 days a week of outpatient group therapy.  I think she was frustrated with the group therapy because people would tell her things she doesn't want to hear.  In other words "there is no magic pill for you, you need to take the initiative to do things for yourself."  My opinion is that she should have been in the hospital longer, and I think she must not have told them her whole history.  I think she lied in order to be released after 10 days. 

I'm doing the best I can to detach and handle things, but I know I can't continue forever like this.  The tools on this message board have helped tremendously, as have a few books and Al-Anon meetings.  I have many good friends who have been huge support to me, and I am very grateful for that.
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« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2013, 02:07:31 AM »

My wife is like this also. She'll take on project after project, being the "people pleaser" that she is, then working late evenings on the computer complaining about how stupid people are and how overworked she is. Doesn't really make sense from the outside.

I also frequently have to help her with IT-related stuff as well as practical things surrounding these projects. Unfortunately the "black hole" effect makes this not count for anything. A good example was just the other day. She's practically ignoring me at the dinner table, yet I had agreed just an hour earlier to put in about 20 hours helping her with a practical task concerning her latest project.

I've had to convince her a few times not to hop on certain stuff when she's already overwhelmed. I don't think she realizes how much I've done for her over the years, while she hardly spends any energy on helping me. Why do I keep doing it?
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« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2013, 03:06:23 PM »

Hi kama_gal,

the internal emotional state is unstable due to insufficient regulation and sudden shifts (splitting related).

Now this wandering internal state will be confused due to unclear boundaries with the world around the pwBPD i.e. projected situations, objects and people in close proximity - wherever instincts latch on.

What is the purpose of this? This is dysfunctional so it serves a dysfunctional purpose. By itself it makes no sense but in case the environment reacts to these absurd signals it may summon up validation in some form. And thus the regulation loop is closed through the outside - often through the partner. It may be laughable to us but let's not forget - during dysregulation the abiltiy to formulate plans and act accordingly is greatly diminished - forcing the outside world to provide validation through the limited remaining means of yelling for help or whatever makes sense in a perverted way. In a tragic manner the loop goes like that:

pwBPD upset/angry e.g. due to hunger --> causes upset --> partner gets angry --> fights back --> pwBPD is validated: The world is clearly evil. Emotions are regulated and calms down.

In a healthy person it looks like that

person upset/angry e.g. due to hunger --> "I hate this, this sucks, BUT it is not an emergency yet, no reason to panic, need to become proactive" self validation -->Emotions are regulated down. Actions are taken

When validating a pwBPD it looks like this:

pwBPD upset/angry e.g. due to hunger --> causes upset -

                                    +-> partner gives feedback before major upset is caused and war has commenced --> pwBPD is validated: "I'm hungry". Emotions are regulated and calms down.

In a unhealthy relationship there are invalidating - invalidating exchanges. Those are somewhat stable in the sense of a stable continuous war.

In a healthy relationship there are validating - validating exchanges. This is also stable.

The challenge for our distressed relationships here is how to shift back from the current state into a healthy state. That is where the focus on validation comes in when communicating with such a person. If we would focus on the projections we are fixing not even symptoms but often mirages leading us the wrong way. This is where boundaries come in where we step out of the dysfunctional dance. When we focus on the pwBPD directly we are more likely to have a meaningful interaction.

It is humbling to keep in mind that we all have our moods and we all project to some degree. A pwBPD however does this a lot more, in extreme manners and may lack awareness to be able to take corrective steps when facts proof projections invalid.
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« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2013, 09:27:23 PM »

What is the point, exactly, of pwBPD constantly exhibiting a "woe is me" attitude, moping and whining about what's wrong but doing absolutely nothing to find a solution? 

I have nothing to add other than to sympathize. The DxBiPD/APD/BPD in my life is very much this person. It didn't take me too long to figure it out, and the behavior continues to this day.

As an example, early on in the relationship she was in a living situation that she needed to get out of. Lots of time to take the bull by the horns, find a place to live and move in. No, nonononono. She waited until the last possible moment and was kicked out.

Need a job? Same situation.

She was supposed to move, 4 years ago, closer to where I live (I am 100+ miles away - now, this is a thankfully long distance!) ... .well, she moved out after she was kicked out, and relocated about 10 miles from the last place which is still 100+ miles away.

There's no internal drive or motivation to better 'self' in this particular person. We can spend HOURS upon hours and hours on the phone surfing mindless websites, or reading message groups or text messaging friends and ex's, but heaven forbid we open up the paper and look for a job, or a house or... .you know, just do anything proactive, or life-affirming.

It's JUST TOO DIFFICULT!

I am completely opposite, so you can bet I don't understand the outlook at all!

I am interested in the book you are going to start reading as I haven't read that one yet!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2013, 12:47:23 PM »

There's no internal drive or motivation to better 'self' in this particular person. We can spend OURS upon hours and hours on the phone surfing mindless websites, or reading message groups or text messaging friends and ex's, but heaven forbid we open up the paper and look for a job, or a house or... .you know, just do anything proactive, or life-affirming.

It's JUST TOO DIFFICULT!

I am completely opposite, so you can bet I don't understand the outlook at all!

my w has a weight problem. it didn't affect my feelings for her, i married her that way, but her grandmother lost a limb to diabetes, her father has had a heart attack, and the doctors wouldn't operate on her sciatica until she lost some weight. did she? not an ounce. (the doctors got tired waiting and just went in.)

my w once said, "my grandfather was an alcoholic, maybe i am too!" if you're aware of this, maybe address it? no.

her utter indolence embarrassed me.
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« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2013, 01:46:08 PM »

[/quote]
There's no internal drive or motivation to better 'self' in this particular person. We can spend HOURS upon hours and hours on the phone surfing mindless websites, or reading message groups or text messaging friends and ex's, but heaven forbid we open up the paper and look for a job, or a house or... .you know, just do anything proactive, or life-affirming.[/quote]
I have been away for a few days dealing with work crises, medical appointments, and remembering that Christmas is around the corner so I've missed these responses.  I will get back to them later today when I'm done with my Xmas shopping.  I cannot believe I totally didn't realize Christmas is here already.  This month has flown by. 

This quote in particular caught my eye because it very succinctly conveys exactly what I think and feel on a daily basis, and is often a source of arguments in my relationship.  This is another thing I've been trying to figure out for years. 

In my H's case, it is Craigslist.  He can, and does, spend hours a day perusing Craigslist.  It's almost like an obsession, like if he doesn't check it 99 times a day he might miss something for sale that we don't need or have money for.  It's really just aimless surfing, much like his aimless TV habit.  In fact, everything in his life aside from his job is done aimlessly, hence what you said about lack lack of internal drive or motivation to be a better person.  He is fine with who he is and sees absolutely no reason to change whatsoever, which is probably why our marriage is getting worse rather than even just maintaining.  I don't think one person can grow by leaps and bounds personally while the other stagnates and is exactly the same year after year with zero growth, and have things work out. 

Aside from driving me insane because of the complete nothingness of all this, it affects our lives in other ways, i.e. we have nothing to talk about except what he watched on TV or what he saw on Craigslist, because that's all he knows.  Even as busy as I am, I can't think of a day that goes by where I'm not reading the news, researching something, checking forums, engaging with people, just always learning, and my job provides lot of conversation opportunities -- I'm in the litigation industry and some of our lawsuits are either real doozies or underscored by huge life questions -- but I can't discuss any of those with him because they are just outside of his realm of ability because they're a bit more high level than TV or Craigslist.  I have tried to encourage him to read the news, engage with people at work more just so we could have a conversation about something... .he will do it for one day and then quit saying the very same thing you indicated in your post, "It's too difficult to remember all that stuff just to come home and talk to you."  Fair enough.  We just won't talk, then, because I can't talk CL and TV, and see no value whatsoever in immersing myself in those activities just to have an elementary-level conversation with him. 

I have seen the same thing when we've been involved in situations where a decision has to be made like you described... .he just doesn't make one.  I guess not making a decision IS making a decision just by choosing not to act, but I don't understand why they don't learn from these situations because, as you said, life doesn't wait on them and D-day always comes and then they're scrambling.  It's the very mentality that drives me insane.  I am a hyper planner, and if I know something is coming down the pipe, then you can bet I'm going to be ready for it.  Him, he just sits there, aimlessly surfing and watching TV, and waits for it and then when the inevitable occurs goes, "What are we going to do now?"  This drives me crazy, too, now that I think about it:  He is just aimlessly bumbling through life, taking it as it comes.  It would never occur to him to DO anything to make his life better.  He just isn't somebody that's ever going to make anything happen.  He will forever be the person that "stuff happens to."  Forever the victim of everyone and everything.  I really fail to see the point of living life like this and it drives me to the brink of insanity because it's just such a waste. 

I just get so fed up with the inertia, the expecting someone else to fix every single thing in his life, and I'm sick of that person always needing to be me.  And I'm to the point where I truly believe he/they pull this because they don't want to own decisions, they don't want to be positive, and they don't want to be anything more than they are.  I think in his case, anyway, he loves having all that misery to drag around with him so he justify his actions and yet always manage to play the victim.  That's sickening to me, and I still have yet to wrap my mind around it. 

I'm getting closer and closer to the point where I think I belong on the Leaving board because after engaging here, reading through the archives and seeing my life written about in all the threads, I think I have to come to the realization that I've been deluding myself that somehow I hold the key to fixing this.  In many of the threads I see the question being asked, "Why are YOU staying?  What are YOU getting out of it?"  I've been pondering that a lot lately, and the answer is I'm not really getting much of anything out of this except some really good health insurance right now, which I obviously need with all my health issues.  On a whim, though, I checked out the Obamacare website the other day and I can get comparable coverage for $200 a month.  Once I saw that, all the hurdles disappeared, so I really need to figure out what is wrong with me that I stay here and put up with this empty, soul-sucking relationship.   

Once I get into the meat of the book, I'll shoot you a PM and let you know what I think.  I've only gotten like ten pages in so far because I was offered a one-time project at more than triple my normal rate so I've been working like a maniac and haven't had time to sit down and get into it. 
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maxen
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« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2013, 02:10:45 PM »

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karma_gal
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« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2013, 02:35:59 PM »


Maxen,

This is awesome!  Only you could have me laughing my a$$ off when I'm in the middle of an, "WOW, I'm going to choke him" fit.  This is soo totally him and I could totally hear him say that and be serious about it! 

Thank you a million times over for the laugh.  You don't know how bad I needed that! 
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maxen
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« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2013, 02:37:37 PM »

only you can judge whether to print it out and put it on the fridge or not 
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karma_gal
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« Reply #15 on: December 21, 2013, 03:31:10 PM »

only you can judge whether to print it out and put it on the fridge or not 

You know I absolutely want to... .but probably won't.  I think I'm going to hang it in my home office, instead, where it's less likely to cause a rage but where I can still get a laugh from it.  It's too close to a holiday and he will probably act up anyway, but hanging it up on the fridge would set him off and take it to a whole different level! 

I realize I'm kind of all over the place with this thread -- moping, victim status, indolence, et cetera -- but I'll hit on this, too, since it's related.  Living like this, in this relationship, dealing with all his myriad issues, is turning me into someone I don't recognize and don't really like sometimes.  Like, I'm not a mean-spirited person at all, but some days I just want to do really mean and ugly things to "get back at him" for all the chaos and misery he injects into my/our life.  There are days I want to emulate the movies and start chucking kitchen plates at him, where I want to leave things like this hanging all over the house so it's in his face, where I want to shout from the rooftop how crazy he is.  I don't do these things, of course, but I totally want to more than I care to admit. 

Because of my childhood, I have always had issues trusting and being physically demonstrative and when I recently described what I was thinking to someone I described it like this:

I've recently gotten into rescuing "death-row" pit bulls, where three now share my heart and home, and I donate money whenever possible to save others.  I have a thing for the underdog, I guess a typical rescuer, huh?  Not only have I saved some lives because of this and met some awesome people, the experience with these dogs has brought out a part of me that I typically don't demonstrate or indulge all the time.  They've helped me find this well of tenderness and "safe" unconditional love to express, unlimited patience and compassion that I didn't even know I was capable of.  They've brought out the best in me, and I'm slowly learning to apply those lessons to all areas of my life, with all people, although admittedly I'm treading lightly with people.  My relationship with my husband on the other hand is reminiscent of the relationship with my mother; he/they just bring out all the worst in me, things I didn't know I was capable of thinking/feeling, and it scares me to death sometimes, like I have this monster lurking inside of me somewhere because they both just seem to take me "there."  I've long since had to cut my mother out of my life because she is just so toxic, but now seem to be repeating the very same scenario with my H. 

If any of you have ever experienced something similar, how did you deal with it?  How did you reconcile within yourself the fact that you know you're a good person with this evil being that pwBPD and other PDs seem to bring out in you?  I guess what I'm really struggling with is not painting all people with the same brush, learning to separate out those who are safe and those who are not.  I'm become very aware of how I feel when I'm around certain people and how the way they act and treat me brings up things in myself that I need to confront and deal with.  I'm learning to tame my tongue and fight against the impulse to lash out at people like this, but it's a struggle, I will admit.  Sometimes I get so tired of being forced into the "bigger person" role because the disordered people in my life simply can't act any better than they do. 

I guess the long and short of it is, I just don't like who I'm becoming in this relationship.  It's incongruent with who I am and want to be. 
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