Trying to understand this betrayal

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It is so difficult to accept the betrayal I'm feeling right now. Three and a half years, sticking by someone's side as they go through drug addiction, getting sober, relapsing, going to rehab, relapsing, then finally ending in jail and NEVER calling police when I could have many times while my ex was on probation.

Then... .to have this person's mother call CPS on me and claim I leave my child at home alone on several occasions for several hours at a time! It's difficult to accept because I know these thoughts were fueled into my exBFs mother by HIM. There's no lower that someone could hit you than to try and destroy your childs life by filing a false claim to CPS. I remember the voicemails he was leaving me that night, raging in the phone, threatening to call CPS, claiming my child is home alone all night, that I'm a disaster of a person, that I'm drunk half the time around my child, etc. LIES.

My question to all of you who are more experienced with BPD is do they even ever know the destruction they cause in peoople's lives when they are trying to attack you like this? Is my ex even feeling a bit of remorse for what was created and his role in it? He sent a text after this all happened, saying he's so sorry things had to end this way, he is so sorry and blames only himself and he feels like sh--t.

I've never felt this much pain and betrayal in my life. I played my part in this crazy dance and I've said some pretty horrid stuff to him in the past as well, especially towards the end. But never in a million years would I be ok with myself knowing that I was part of something so vicious as making up false allegations to CPS and put someone's child's life at risk. I could never lay my head down at night. Do they even feel any pain or have understanding of what they do to hurt people?

[angel1234]

It is so difficult to accept the betrayal I'm feeling right now. Three and a half years, sticking by someone's side as they go through drug addiction, getting sober, relapsing, going to rehab, relapsing, then finally ending in jail and NEVER calling police when I could have many times while my ex was on probation.

Then... .to have this person's mother call CPS on me and claim I leave my child at home alone on several occasions for several hours at a time! It's difficult to accept because I know these thoughts were fueled into my exBFs mother by HIM. There's no lower that someone could hit you than to try and destroy your childs life by filing a false claim to CPS. I remember the voicemails he was leaving me that night, raging in the phone, threatening to call CPS, claiming my child is home alone all night, that I'm a disaster of a person, that I'm drunk half the time around my child, etc. LIES.

My question to all of you who are more experienced with BPD is do they even ever know the destruction they cause in peoople's lives when they are trying to attack you like this? Is my ex even feeling a bit of remorse for what was created and his role in it? He sent a text after this all happened, saying he's so sorry things had to end this way, he is so sorry and blames only himself and he feels like sh--t.

I've never felt this much pain and betrayal in my life. I played my part in this crazy dance and I've said some pretty horrid stuff to him in the past as well, especially towards the end. But never in a million years would I be ok with myself knowing that I was part of something so vicious as making up false allegations to CPS and put someone's child's life at risk. I could never lay my head down at night. Do they even feel any pain or have understanding of what they do to hurt people?

[angel1234]

And I should add that I wonder if this was some sick sort of projection and I don't understand projection too much but a little. He's the person with the substance addiction but he was claiming I'm drunk around my child which is completely fabricated. He was the one who was abused and neglected as a child. His dad was an alcoholic who never came home and when he did beat his wife and his kids. The kids witnessed the abuse between his parents. He watched his mother stab his dad in the back with a fork. His parents left them alone for long periods of time to go on trips without them when they were in high school. These are the people claiming I neglect my child.

I'm so sickened by this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey angel, I'm sorry you're going through that, it sounds very painful.

We all project, but a borderline, someone who feels emotions very strongly and doesn't have the ability to deal with them, self-soothing as it's known, uses projection to the extreme.  The concept is someone feels emotions related to an event and most likely the conclusions they make about themselves as a result, like shame, and the emotions are so strong that they are overwhelming and need to be dealt with.  Some borderlines hurt themselves, to make the pain stronger than the emotion and therefore conquer it, some repress the emotion by doing something impulsive to create more chaos that shifts their attention away from the pain, some self-medicate with booze, drugs, whatever, and some project, which is the process of assigning the sht they feel to someone else, effectively offloading the emotion with that assignment.  Again, we all do this, it's just more extreme with a borderline.  Example: say someone is trying to quit drinking but they drink anyway, creating an inner conflict; a coping mechanism could be to see other people who are drinking to excess and chastise and slam them, those losers, make them the scumbags to feel better about themselves.  :)oes that fit?

Also, his family sounds like a doozy, and even in the dysfunction a mother will usually support her children regardless, and is probably enmeshed, so you've got a team coming at you.  The best course is to focus on what's best for you and your kid, take care of you; in my relationship it was always all about her, and I didn't start getting cared for until I left and started taking care of myself.

[angel1234]

Thanks. You just stirred up some things that I saw my ex display all the time which is chastise other people constantly. He would call people losers, drug addicts, drunks, etc (his friends!), air out all of their problems to other people (things people confided in him) like their alcohol/drug/relationship issues and make everyone seem like a disaster. He would then turn around and act as if he were their best friend. He put people down all the time. I caught him in constant lies. I mean we can all bend the truth a little but he lied constantly.

The worse is how he bashed everyone who he supposedly would then love... .his family, his friends and unfortunately me.

The weird thing is that when we were broken up for five months earlier this year, several people told me how all he did was talk about me, how bad he treated me, how sorry he was, how he'll never forgive himself. He still had pictures of me and my daughter in his bedroom. But he treated me horribly before we broke up, never paid me back money he owed me, never called to apologize, etc. One woman I know told me he started crying.

[LilMissSunshine]

I don't think the pwBPD truly sees the destruction they cause.  They don't look at it that way.  Angel1234, I think it's more like your being "punished".  At least that's the way I always felt.  BTW, except for the CPS stuff your story sounds a lot like mine.  I'm sorry the children have to be dragged into this.  Pure evil.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks. You just stirred up some things that I saw my ex display all the time which is chastise other people constantly. He would call people losers, drug addicts, drunks, etc (his friends!), air out all of their problems to other people (things people confided in him) like their alcohol/drug/relationship issues and make everyone seem like a disaster. He would then turn around and act as if he were their best friend. He put people down all the time. I caught him in constant lies. I mean we can all bend the truth a little but he lied constantly.

The worse is how he bashed everyone who he supposedly would then love... .his family, his friends and unfortunately me.

I see projection and cowardice.

The weird thing is that when we were broken up for five months earlier this year, several people told me how all he did was talk about me, how bad he treated me, how sorry he was, how he'll never forgive himself. He still had pictures of me and my daughter in his bedroom. But he treated me horribly before we broke up, never paid me back money he owed me, never called to apologize, etc. One woman I know told me he started crying.

Remember someone with the disorder doesn't like themselves much, if at all; mine actually told me she'd go into bad parts of town hoping she'd be raped and killed, which would "put her out of her misery."  Lovely.

So if someone likes you a lot but hates themselves, it would be common to slam you and everyone else to offload their own self loathing.  Of course the courageous way would be to level with you and communicate openly and honestly about what's going on with him, but that probably means that if you saw him for who he really is you would leave, the predominant fear of someone with the disorder.

Someone who slams you to your face but laments the loss when you're gone has a lot of unresolved internal conflict.  You and your daughter deserve better; take care of you!

[angel1234]

OK I don't think I need anymore evidence my ex is BPD. He's cried out for attention so many times. As a mom, I can only imagine my child screaming out for help, even when she goes on to be an adult.

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine (mutual friend of my X and I) who's known me for a long time and known my ex a long time since we all went to high school together many moons ago. My friend I talked to is a family friend of mine. He just knows my ex because he grew up with him. He told me that my ex would tell people at their high school reunion that he and I are "psycho." OK when I started to talk to my ex again all he did is tell me how he told everyone I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how much he missed me, how bad he F':) up, etc.

I want to scream!

[amja77]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It reminds me of my BPDbf. He would praise me to my face, stating I was better than him, I didn't deserve him, etc. Then, when we broke up in the past, I would hear from people that he would be bashing me, telling them I was needy, obsessed with him, I "smelled" and that I was crazy. When I confronted him about this, he called THEM the liars!

It's just a sick way to make them feel superior to us because they know that, no matter what they do, they will never be our equal.

It's also shameful that he doesn't realize the pain and destruction he is causing your child. If someone is able to hurt the most innocent of beings, they are obviously ill.

[RecycledNoMore]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It reminds me of my BPDbf. He would praise me to my face, stating I was better than him, I didn't deserve him, etc. Then, when we broke up in the past, I would hear from people that he would be bashing me, telling them I was needy, obsessed with him, I "smelled" and that I was crazy. When I confronted him about this, he called THEM the liars!

It's just a sick way to make them feel superior to us because they know that, no matter what they do, they will never be our equal.

It's also shameful that he doesn't realize the pain and destruction he is causing your child. If someone is able to hurt the most innocent of beings, they are obviously ill.

Thats so strange, the ex told people I "smelled" too, he also told me that his last ex also " smelled" weird!

What next?, did he say I had cooties too  ?

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It reminds me of my BPDbf. He would praise me to my face, stating I was better than him, I didn't deserve him, etc. Then, when we broke up in the past, I would hear from people that he would be bashing me, telling them I was needy, obsessed with him, I "smelled" and that I was crazy. When I confronted him about this, he called THEM the liars!

It's just a sick way to make them feel superior to us because they know that, no matter what they do, they will never be our equal.

It's also shameful that he doesn't realize the pain and destruction he is causing your child. If someone is able to hurt the most innocent of beings, they are obviously ill.

Thats so strange, the ex told people I "smelled" too, he also told me that his last ex also " smelled" weird!

What next?, did he say I had cooties too  ?

Smells trigger mine both good and bad. She smells things that I don't. Strong odors bother her, like bbq smoke from the neighbors getting into the house... .especially cooking smells, since I think it reminds her of her mother's house (who is always cooking), which may trigger bad childhood emotions she retains. I have a condition where I don't sweat (not enough to save my life), but she would bury her face into me and say she was turned on by my smell. Hers didn't do it for me either way, but that's me. Weird. Maybe it's another things some BPDs share. She of course hated me smoking... .so naturally I did it more (I started up again 8 mos into our r/s after I had quite... .and never really stopped, though I wouldn't do it around her), and that odor bothered her. Maybe it's the one thing I felt I had to myself, control. Childish? Probably.

[fromheeltoheal]

Smells trigger mine both good and bad. She smells things that I don't. Strong odors bother her,

Whoa.  Thanks Turkish, I thought I was the only one.  My ex smelled all kinds of things that I didn't, mostly bad, another thing to complain about.  Our sense of smell is our oldest sense, and most developed, and with a borderline being hypersensitive to everything, it makes sense that her sense of smell would be extra-developed.