Holidays and BPD, whether you are LC, VLC, NC, or immersed

[livednlearned]

I always have the hardest time during the holidays. Maybe I'm special that way?    What's it like for all of you?

Me? I'm in contact with my codependent mom, but my father (narcissistic traits) and brother (uBPD) don't communicate with me. I'm not sure if we're estranged or not, we just don't... .talk. I'm also divorced from N/BPDx. S12 only sees his dad for 16 hours a month and hasn't said anything about whether he wants to see S12 or not. The fact that S12 doesn't care one way or another hurts in a way I can't even describe. I'm a single mom with no money. I'm not depressed, exactly, but I'm exhausted, and let a lot of balls drop socially during the drawn-out custody battle with N/BPDx, so friends have dispersed.

I'm slowing rebuilding my new life. But I'll never have the big, loving fun family I dreamed of and that just hurts. I feel like I'm creating a new life the rest of the year, but when the holidays come around, I'm back wondering just exactly how to heal from all this. I want to understand my relationship with my dad and brother and see how I've grown, what it's like to set boundaries with them, but they're 3000 miles away. It's so expensive to fly back home and honestly, I don't see a windfall happening anytime soon, so I imagine it could be many years before I see them again.

Curious how everyone else is coping. What the holidays mean for those of us with these kinds of families.

[damage control]

I am estranged from my siblings (no parents) and my 2 sons are on the opposite side of the country (early 20's now) ... .my ex of 7 weeks (who I still share a house with because I am new to this city and trying to get my bearings with that and a new job) is taking my replacement on a romatic getaway tomorrow for the Xmas break .

Xmas? What Xmas?

[maxen]

first of all,   lnl and   DC.

fahter's gone, mother is elderly, paranoiac, and housebound. no sibs, no kids. few friends, and not closeby. first holidays without the uBPDw (my OP on this site tells enough). she has a large family that i was glad to get when i got her, now all gone, as soon as their daughter moved in with someone else they cut me off, not a word of contact even. i'd be with them in a beautiful location. my mind has come close to splitting these past months. i'm staying sane thanks to three things: 1: my freakish isolation has driven me for the first time in my adult life to become even somewhat gregarious. i have taken advantage of every social opportunity that has come my way and have become closer to, e.g., my work colleagues than i ever was. some of these people turned out to be splendid folk. 2: i have tapped into my enormous cousinage. my relatives have kept up with me throughout this and i'll be spending new year's with some of them (and next summer with others of them). 3: my friends, though few, have been magnificent. i didn't know what friends they were. i had a place to go at t'giving and will also at christmas. i really wish everybody did.

[Mara2]

I think we all have an expectation of what the holidsys SHOULD be and feel let down when they do not turn out that way.  Especially when we have family but they do not want to see us.  I remember showing up at my parents house on Christmas day a month after my first husband was killed by a drunk driver.  My mother asked me what I was doing there?  That was sure a let down!  I was hoping to enjoy some family and get out of a lonely house. 

We can focus on what we do not have, or what we have.  Sometimes it is really, really hard to find what we have that is good.  Look up, look around and see what good things you can find.  I encourage you to get out and have some fun- go to a church play or a concert or theatre.  If you go to the movies alone you get to eat all the popcorn!  Perhaps there is a food kitchen for the homeless that could use some help.  When you reach out sometimes people are too busy (especially at the holidays) but you will be surprised who does have time for you. 

This year for Christmas my husband is delusional and spending wildly money we do not have and alienating all his friends.  He has been in and out of the hospital and mental health cisis house and I had to tell him he can't come home.  He calls several times a day trying to let me let him come back, but he is not safe.  He leaves very accusing and hurtful messages on the phone when I am not here and talking to him on the phone leaves me exhausted. 

I am very involved in our church and I am leaning heavily on them at this time.  I am co-director of the Christmas play (simple and fun) and I decided to go ahead with it instead of staying at home.  It helps. 

Remember, you are not alone in feeling alone.  We are here for you.

[livednlearned]

DC, that is tough. The first holiday after your relationship goes off the rails is the toughest. My first holiday without S12 (staying at his dads), I threw the best pity party there was. A friend came out and we had the best time. I had an apartment with no furniture, and she had great ideas about how we could cheer each other up (her husband had died years earlier and the holidays were tough for her too). Until she suggested we get together, I was all set to mope. I'm an excellent moper, actually. And I get a lot of housework done.

maxen, I love how you say that your freakish isolation made you more gregarious. Talk about seeing the silver lining in things  I really blew it with friends over these past 3 years. I seem very together on the outside, but was dying on the inside, and that was confusing for people. I didn't respond to everyone's emails, kept canceling outings. I need to find some of your gregariousness and maybe even just reach out to people and tell them I'm sorry, that I hide my feelings well, but I was in bad shape and I tend to turtle when the going gets tough.

Mara2, you're so right. It's the expectations that are truly killing me. I seem to do ok throughout the year, accepting that my family is hollowed out and not there (although your story about how your family reacted when you showed up for Christmas after your husband died is jaw dropping). But then the holidays come around and suddenly I look at my life under a microscope and it stings. I'm dating someone who is working on Christmas this year and for some reason that is really affecting me. Even though we don't live together. So he's working, then going to his ex's house to give gifts to his kids, then he's coming here. Complicated divorced type of dating. I like your ideas about getting out, and I plan to. I guess that's it. Make other kinds of connections when the primary ones with family just can't happen. 

[Turkish]

My mother detached from me and the kids a bit due to her depression (with some BPD traits), living 3 hours away, getting older (so I don't feel comfortable with her driving to visit us in the city), and she and my X not really getting along. My mom once said of my X, "she knows how to hurt." Take that one to the bank!

I'm taking the kids on Christmas day to go visit friends who are like family. My mom lives one of the worst episodes of Hoarders, so taking my kids there, especially in the winter, isn't an option. My mom told me the other day that inside her house it was 28F, same as outside. She refuses help, but I am going to get her an electric blanket (which should last for a little while until the dogs chew it as they did the last one), and a space heater for her room for Christmas. I will see her the day after Christmas for a buffet dinner so she can also see the kids. X will be staying where we live to do whatever she is going to do (medicate by teenage behavior, be a hermit, hang out with her family, whatever). Christmas Eve I will spend alone since I don't want to go to her parents' house and pretend to have a happy holiday like nothing happened or is happening. The whole home is one of denial of the major dysfunction that plays out there under the surface. Denial is the coping mechanism that keeps them together. I don't want any part of it, even though they treat me nicely and I am invited.

Back home on the 3rd day so the kids can see their mom again. Will have an old friend, his son (my godson), and his stepsister in tow to show them around. Might be uncomfortable if they and my X are all around since my friend has no filters (almost like he has Asperger's sometimes), and he knows what's going on. She can choose to leave if she wants.

I'm not getting anyone anything for Christmas except for my godson and my mother. My kids have so many people getting them things it's not funny. They are so young they won't know the difference anyway. S3's 4th birthday is coming up soon anyway, and I'll get him something then. I usually get myself something for Christmas, but am watching my $ now. I just replaced a few electronics from the Thanksgiving burglary, and those were my big ticket items for the year.

Resisting the urge to sit at home by myself drinking beer and feeling sorry for myself on Christmas Eve... .I might anyway. I really hope the new year, after the impending legal wrangling regarding child support and my X hopefully moving the heck out, will be better. I think it will be much better when I get a chance to reclaim my house (paint, get rid of stuff, reorganize to erase her memory... .cheap things I can do easily), and get on with my life, as a middle aged bachelor who will probably revert to hermit mode again.

[Gidget]

The Last 2 Christmas were pretty tough for me not spending with my daughter I cried a lot and was depressed. This year though I feel a lot better. I realize I have to accept the way things are right now and can't change them. I realize crying and crying hasn't changed the relationship with my daughter I think I am finally starting to think of me really worry about me for a change. My daughter for the first time came into my home the other day when they dropped off the kids to see me. I asked her to come in because I could see the look in her eyes as the kids were running into the house. She came in.  3 months ago she told me never to contact her again.

I am realizing this healing is a slow process but it was a start. First Christmas that I actually feel better I actually stopped crying since I found this board and realized I am not alone. Will have a quiet nite with hubby go to Church and hope for a better year.