Very weird- thoughts? Re: Twitter/lying

[Littleopener]

Ok, I think I am beginning to come out of the fog. And I've been thinking about his behaviours and how he has been lying and manipulating me from a much earlier point than I realised.

This one thing throws me. I do not understand this behaviour at all and I was wondering if anyone could shed any light on it? Is this BPD or is there something else going on?

Ok, so it started when we went on our first date. He was telling me all about how he had started using twitter and was getting addicted to it but still working it out. I explained how I used it as practise for writing interesting things in short prose (I'm a writer) and I could help him out if he needed it. It was an interesting part of the conversation but I mostly forgot about it and we didn't talk about it again for a while... .

Until the next time I remembered it, maybe a month later. I reminded him of the conversation and asked what his twitter handle was so I could add him. He said he doesn't use twitter and never has before... .(Whaaaaat?). At first I believed him, perhaps I imagined that conversation... .


But intrigue got the most of me I'm afraid, and as I was already following his flatmates on twitter (through mutual friends/interests/town) I actually saw they were having a conversation with a guy who they lived with. There's only three of them in the flat... .So I looked at this person's profile. Sure enough it was him. He posted photos of himself, of his work space, of his room. His little profile thing described him.

(Bearing in mind, this was all in the good part of our relationship- when he idolised me! I also didn't know about BPD then)


Ok, I thought, perhaps this was a bit of a misunderstanding! He thought i was asking about something other than twitter. Or perhaps in a fit of fatigue he forgot he had twitter. So I added him on twitter.

We had conversations on twitter after that, mostly about work stuff (we work in similar fields) and my name on twitter is my name in real life, so there would be no misunderstandings of who I am. A few months passed. I was sure this was all a misunderstanding.

He posted on twitter about how he was applying for jobs. I spoke to him on fb chat saying that it was great he was applying for jobs (I knew he was looking but this was the first I'd heard that he was applying but that didn't bother me- I'm happy with independence- he didnt need to tell me everything!). He replied asking how I knew. I said twitter.

He said "I don't have twitter, never have had".

What? I actually had to check with a friend who doesn't know the guy - I got her to read his twitter feed and she said she could definitely tell who this guy was. Another one of my friends said that this behaviour may signify a psychopath and I should run away, he could be dangerous. Perhaps multiple personalities. Perhaps it is simply to make me think I'm crazy.

I do not understand this at all. I understand lying to cover things up, but when he had been talking to me on twitter (he still does reply to some things, even though I've gone n/c) openly, and it is clear that it is him and I know that it is him and he knows that I know-  why is this behaviour happening?

I can't make any sense of it, not even after having read about BPD. Perhaps my friend is right, perhaps it signifies something even more sinister?

Was wondering if anyone else could shed some light on this behaviour?

[Littleopener]

Or perhaps I'm reading too much into it and it's simple gas lighting! Just think it's weird!

[patientandclear]

I've experienced similar extreme (EXTREME) compartmentalization of information with my ex.  Among other things, he remembers that I attended a concert with him that actually his gf before me & also after me actually attended with him.  When he told me that, he had "painted her black" -- she was appropriately critical of him for how he engaged & then left her last time.  It's as if she does not exist or something.

He often would tell me he had such strong feelings about something he would never do it, and then months later, turns out he is now doing that thing, and it's as if the prior conversation never happened.

We've had many meaningful conversations in which he confided important things about himself to me, & I referenced them later, and it's as if that conversation had never existed and, as in your story, he has no idea where I'd have gotten that information, which isn't even true.

I think there are much more extreme divisions of information and denial walls set up in their psyches than we really ever see.

[free-n-clear]

  Hi Littleopener. Sure sounds weird! P&C may well be right about the denial walls. My uBPDxgf regularly accidentally exposed earlier lies through her later saying something contradictory that I knew to be true. I just put it down to the fact that for these people, lying is the default position. They're not only lying to us, they lie to everyone, including themselves, all the time. Ultimately, they must lose track of which lie they've told which people.

[Littleopener]

It's quite interesting.

I wonder if they ever realise what they are doing? He knew I knew he was lying but carried on with it. It's very odd.

But it did help me when coming out of the fog, though I did have to ask friends to clarify it wasn't me going crazy because denying something so obvious makes so little sense!

[free-n-clear]

He knew I knew he was lying but carried on with it. It's very odd.

This must be a common trait. My uBPDxgf would often tell ridiculous lies that she knew, had to know, I knew were lies, and if I pointed it out to her, she'd just plough on regardless. I've posted about this phenomena once before. It's odd, alright, but then so many things about BPD are worse than just odd.  

[PrettyPlease]

Perhaps multiple personalities.

I often wondered this about uBPDexgf, when we were still in regular contact.

Later I did some reading of psychology journals about MPD and BPD, and what I found supported the possibility. The core part I remember goes like this -- there's good and clear evidence that both MPD and BPD are associated with early abuse, and that the longer and more intense the abuse the more likely it's MPD. In fact, it goes even further: there's also a direct relation between the length/intensity of abuse and the number of alternate personalities (altars, so-called).

I also learned that altars are most commonly very difficult to distinguish from one another from the outside -- the popular image of huge changes in how someone looks and acts is rare; more commonly there's only an internal shift that we have trouble noticing.

And, finally, that the core trait associated with MPD is a disturbance of memory. In other words, the common type of MPD is someone who is in altar A and remembers X, and then shifts to altar B and can't remember X anymore. To the outside it just looks like a person with a weird memory problem.

So your example does fit this pattern. That doesn't mean it's MPD; but it might be.


PP

[damage control]

My ex also lies about dumb stuff. He even admitted to me once that he exaggerates or appropriates other people's stories and makes them his own.

I know when he is lying (it's most recently been about him 'sticking up for himself' to our other housemate ... he claims to have said stuff that there is no way in h^ll he has said) and I usually overlook it because he is a wonderful storyteller ... .sad thing is, I don't think he tells the truth very often ... about anything and yes ... he gets confused at times about details. He also has absolutely no idea about time - about when things happen or how long things take.

Weeks ago, he was complaining about how long the distance between stations on the train ride home was - it is in a tunnel and it was triggering his panic attacks. On the way back from the markets one day (2 days before he dumped me). he took out his phone and timed the distance - he said it felt like 15-20 minutes to him ... it turned out to be 6 minutes - but that isn't the strange part.

The next morning he couldn't find his phone and I said to him that it couldn't be far as he had used it the night before to time the stations. He looked at me like he didn't know what I was on about and when I reminded him that he had timed the station, he said he had no idea what I was talking about.

[schwing]

Hi Littleopener and 

Until the next time I remembered it, maybe a month later. I reminded him of the conversation and asked what his twitter handle was so I could add him. He said he doesn't use twitter and never has before... .(Whaaaaat?). At first I believed him, perhaps I imagined that conversation... .

It is odd for him to deny something so innocuous.  If I had to guess, I would say a possible reason for him to lie about not having a twitter account is to prevent you from reading something he posted that would give you cause to leave him (i.e., fear of abandonment).  It is possible if you look at his posting history you might be able to track down what they might have been.  Then again, he might have deleted that post also.

(Bearing in mind, this was all in the good part of our relationship- when he idolised me! I also didn't know about BPD then)

Even though he was idealizing you, this just means in his eyes you can do no wrong.  It doesn't mean he cannot do some kind of wrong that would cause you to "abandon" him.  And for whatever reason, you knowing about his twitter account triggers this fear in him.

Ok, I thought, perhaps this was a bit of a misunderstanding! He thought i was asking about something other than twitter. Or perhaps in a fit of fatigue he forgot he had twitter. So I added him on twitter.

We had conversations on twitter after that, mostly about work stuff (we work in similar fields) and my name on twitter is my name in real life, so there would be no misunderstandings of who I am. A few months passed. I was sure this was all a misunderstanding.

He posted on twitter about how he was applying for jobs. I spoke to him on fb chat saying that it was great he was applying for jobs (I knew he was looking but this was the first I'd heard that he was applying but that didn't bother me- I'm happy with independence- he didnt need to tell me everything!). He replied asking how I knew. I said twitter.

He said "I don't have twitter, never have had".

I think this is a great example of "severe dissociative behavior" or extreme compartmentalization.  In one context (when he was with you in person) it is important to him that you do not know about his twitter account.  In another context (online communication) it was ok.

What? I actually had to check with a friend who doesn't know the guy - I got her to read his twitter feed and she said she could definitely tell who this guy was. Another one of my friends said that this behaviour may signify a psychopath and I should run away, he could be dangerous. Perhaps multiple personalities. Perhaps it is simply to make me think I'm crazy.

Call me a cynic but I don't think a psychopath (at least a high functioning one) would be so careless or trivial about such an innocuous detail such as this.  The current diagnosis for "multiple personality" disorder is "dissociative identity" disorder.

I do not understand this at all. I understand lying to cover things up, but when he had been talking to me on twitter (he still does reply to some things, even though I've gone n/c) openly, and it is clear that it is him and I know that it is him and he knows that I know-  why is this behaviour happening?

This isn't lying to cover up things.  This is lying in order to preserve a fragile sense of order?  It's a defense mechanism.  It's lying to himself first and foremost, which is why this kind of behavior is also related to denial behavior.

I can't make any sense of it, not even after having read about BPD. Perhaps my friend is right, perhaps it signifies something even more sinister?

I think this kind of behavior fits right into the BPD play book.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Littleopener]

Thanks guys, it's good to get other people's take on things.

[Stellar]

Wow, that is odd.

My ex used to post on girl's walls or they would post on his, quite flirty stuff. And when I asked him innocently about them, he denied that these posts existed.


But it seems with you there is no reason for the lying - he's not covering anything up... .strange.

[free-n-clear]

But it seems with you there is no reason for the lying - he's not covering anything up... .strange.

  Precisely, Stellar. They'll lie about things that there's no reason to lie about. I think that maybe, they just become so used to lying to everyone in their lives that it becomes their default position. The web they weave becomes so entangled that they feel they have to keep lying to hold it all together.

 

  Ultimately it gets to the point reached by the Boy who Cried Wolf. People, at least those that know them well enough, don't believe anything they say at all. It's sad.

[starshine]

I was just speaking with ud19 this past week, and we were going to her grandparents house.  I reminded her that they had to put the dog down about 8 weeks ago.  She was shocked, and asked me why I no one had told her- at which point I told her I had texted her, with her grandparents address so she could send them a card, wrote it in a letter to her, and her grandfather had mentioned it in commenting on a post on her FB page.  She had no memory of it.  She is going through a rough patch right now, roughest ever.

[Waifed]

The problem is you can't tell when they actually believe what they are saying (when they rewrite things in their heads) or if they are just trying to make you crazy (Gaslighting).  I know my ex did both but I have no idea which was which. Sometimes it was a trivial thing and she would say something like "you know I picked this movie" when I had clearly picked the movie an hour earlier. Crazy making. She did this all of the time.

[Littleopener]

^ exactly. I don't know whether he's doing it intentionally to make me feel crazy, or if he actually believes he doesn't have twitter at those points.

At the moment I'm thinking he's doing it all to be malicious. He's very high functioning and it doesn't seem like he'd get confused.

He also said he doesnt hate me, he just doesn't trust me, so maybe he doesn't trust me to read his tweets


(He's never put anything personal on there, it's all work related, sometimes sport related)