Enabling vs. Triggering - The lesser of two evils

[stormcrow]

Trying to process these relationships is like trying to walk through a maze that happens to be a minefield.  But, on occasion one reaches a real epiphany that actually helps tremendously with the agonizing process.  One such moment happened for me tonight when I realized that, even though I love my exBPDgf, I was hurting her by trying to stay. 

To elaborate, I sorted out a while back that leaving would keep me from enabling my ex.  It would give her the opportunity to spiral out of control and reach rock-bottom.  That very thought scared me and kept me engaged.  Especially after a recent conversation that I had with her about how I enabled her.  That I did so by accepting her behavior and by moving her bottom each time before she reached it.  Oddly enough, she made the comment that she was glad that I didn't let her hit rock-bottom as she realized it would be harmful to her and/or her daughter.  That comment hooked me and the realization that she was correct in her statement kept me further engaged with her due to fear of either of them being hurt.  I eagerly continued the role of 'savior' and made a trip to see her and her daughter over the holidays. 

A trip that I now regret.  Not because I was abused and discarded once more, but because I realized an even more horrifying fact - my presence in her life triggered her to dissociate and self-harm.  While there she depersonalized so fully that she looked at me with a strange look on her face and asked me "Are you real?"  She cut herself twice.  One time she told me about; one time I witnessed as I walked in on her.  It was such a disturbing and horrific thought to know that I, the man who loved her and wanted to bring joy, comfort, and a sense of safety to her life, was the very reason she was experiencing such powerful negative emotions that she felt the need to resort to self-harm and entered a dissociative state. 

So here I was, stuck between a rock and a hard place.  And I realized that there really was no real choice here.  I had to choose between the lesser of two evils.  Do I continue to love her and save her from herself?  Or do I walk away and realize that she has a better chance of finding healing without me.  I know she will spiral out of control.  I know what this means for her and her daughter.  I know this has a potential for a very serious and tragic outcome.  But it isn't guaranteed.  My presence in her life guaranteed her and her daughter more pain, more suffering, and more dysregulation.  Walking away, I know that I have no culpability in any harm that may come to her or her daughter as I didn't trigger it.  And I know I could not have stopped it. 

Hopefully this will help others to realize the same.  We are all powerless to help those that we love.  And our presence, at times, can be the reason why they hurt more.  The irony of that baffles me still. 

[free-n-clear]

 You're absolutely right. Even before I knew anything about BPD I was telling friends that I felt compelled to put up with the grief "because she needs at least one person in her life who genuinely cares about her". Took me a while, but I'm outta there. I still love her, and if it was possible for me to "fix" her, I'd be back there fixing her right now. It just isn't possible. :'(

[Ironmanrises]

You weren't hurting her by staying, she was viewing you through the BPD lens and through that very lens, your image was distorted and reflected back as whoever it was that hurt her as a child.

[stormcrow]

You weren't hurting her by staying, she was viewing you through the BPD lens and through that very lens, your image was distorted and reflected back as whoever it was that hurt her as a child.

As true as this might be, it is unfortunately semantics.  My presence triggered powerful negative emotions in her.  Perception is reality and her perception, through her BPD lens, was an image of someone who was horrifying to her.  True this will be the case with anyone she becomes truly intimate with or attached to, but it doesn't change the very fact that I triggered the worst in her.  I now have no culpability in that.  She is free to find her rock-bottom.

[seeking balance]

Storm,

This post is one of the best regarding closure that I have seen... . this is it, the reason it is over.

Very thought proving.

Peace,

SB

[stormcrow]

free'n'clear - unfortunately, I am right there with you.  Before my last recycle I was a member of the Staying board.  I tried to learn the tools for better communication.  But, I wasn't ready.  I was still too attached to her and her words and actions still affected me deeply.  I think if one is to "stay" then they must completely detach and be nearly devoid of any emotion for the pwBPD.  Then, and only then, can they set the boundaries necessary and enforce them.  With my ex, I would honestly have to be nearly sadistic to enforce the types of boundaries she needs.  I could never detach that much from her.  By the time I did, I would have no desire to help her. 


Seeking Balance -  Thank you for the compliment.  I penned this late last night and it isn't as clear as I would like.  But, hopefully others take into account that they may very well be the ultimate trigger for those that they love.  I think the most loving act we can ever do for our pwBPD, if this is indeed the case, is to set them free.  Accepting this paradox is so very hard.  As is the thought of letting them fall on their face and be hurt is NOT our fault if we walk away and are no longer the trigger.  We still carry guilt and shame for not keeping them from falling.  This whole discordant dance is like living in space.  There is no up or down.