What was this call about?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Hi everyone. Thought I'd give a little update. I'm doing fairly well keeping up the no contact going on more than 3 weeks, going to the gym 4 days a week (saw a friend tonight who said I was looking excellent!), and just trying to stay very busy.

The last time uBPDstxwife communicated she sent me a "f--k you" laced text tirade over me not telling her a friend was pregnant (you see even though we are separated and she's secretly screwing other guys, I still need to inform her so she doesn't hear from other people because when she does it's extremely upsetting. Yeah).  So she wasn't speaking to me because of that and that's fine because I decided to go no contact.

She called tonight. I didn't answer. I saw on Facebook she was home sick so I figured she may be seeking sympathy. Then she texted.

Wife: "Hey are you around?  I need some help."

Crap, I thought.  I need to be cordial with her as we doing our separation agreement so I decided to answer but keep it brief.

Me: "I'm at the gym. What's up?"

Wife: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.  (Gee, maybe she could throw in a sorry for the 4 f--k you's from 3 weeks ago? Nah, that's asking too much, and besides it was my fault that she got so mad). I didn't know who else to call. I took the dog out to go to the potty and get the mail and when I came back into my apartment it smells strongly of gas. I didn't notice it earlier but I've been inside all day. A nob on the stove looked a little turned but I'm not sure that was it. I opened windows but I'm not sure what to do."

Me: Open all doors, windows, run fans, and the a/c fan.  Check stove nobs to be sure it's off. If it persists after airing out, call your landlord.

Wife: ok, thank you.  So sorry to bother you. I didn't know who to call and didn't want to worry my parents.

Me: Ok, call your landlord if there's more problems.

Wife: ok


So basically, this was an attempt to reengage and get sympathy right?  Obviously, she has a guy she dating, she could have called him.  Or the property management of the apartment complex. Why me?  I wonder if there really was a gas smell at all. I can't tell when she's telling the truth or not.

[Grissum69]

This is just me but I wouldn't have replied...   yeah the dark side was strong this time with her      "The force is strong with you "

[Ironmanrises]

Narcassistic supply. She got you to reply, whether good or bad. That is all she was seeking.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Narcassistic supply. She got you to reply, whether good or bad. That is all she was seeking.

Ironman, can you explain what that means a bit more?  

I initially didn't want it reply but like I said in the original post, I have to be cordial as her and I have to come  to a settlement agreement. I am not initializing any contact with her.

[Ironmanrises]

Narcassistic supply. She got you to reply, whether good or bad. That is all she was seeking.

Ironman, can you explain what that means a bit more?  

I initially didn't want it reply but like I said in the original post, I have to be cordial as her and I have to come  to a settlement agreement. I am not initializing any contact with her.

As a way to sooth, via any response she gets from you, good or bad, ANY response would do. She could have called the guy she is with or the landlord, but she didnt. She called you, or maybe she did but by calling you, and you responding, also gives her the perfect Triangulation set up. She will use that to play you off of the other guy(for example, "look who i had to call to help me with that, etc).

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Excellent analysis. Thank you. I was thinking to myself, why call me for this?  Call the landlord or the other guy.  There were other motives at work. Thanks ironman.

[myself]

I initially didn't want it reply but like I said in the original post, I have to be cordial as her and I have to come  to a settlement agreement. I am not initializing any contact with her.

Are you NC, no contact, as stated in your original post, or BC, being cordial?

Not initializing, but taking the bait when she goes fishing, is contact.

BC opened you up to more bs. NC doesn't do that.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

I had been nc for 3 weeks. When she texted tonight I responded to be cordial because I do have to communicate with her in the coming weeks to do our settlement agreement. It's a delicate dance as I'm sure you are aware. I need things to go smoothly for that  but I am not initializing contact.

[love4meNOTu]

Frankly, I would have done the same.

Play the game until the papers are signed. This is something you have to do. If you show them how much you dislike, hate, are disgusted by them they will become retaliatory.

I bit my tongue so hard before my xhwBPD moved out... it bled. I am not joking.

Did I get what I needed from him? Yes, his signature and my freedom from his abuse.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Is this typical behavior of a borderline?

[UnLuckyLady]

Yes, this is very typical behavior.  She may have been feeling low or lonely, or had.a falling out wirh her guy. Whatever the reason, she made contact with you hoping for a response.  Any response, positive or negative would have suited her well.  Had you given her a neg response, you could bet it would have been followed with a.f*=k you tirade.  She reached out then followed your lead. 

I think you did the right thing as well in responding the way you did.  Until you are free from her legally, I think it wise to remain amicable.  After the settlement is complete you can respond as you wish... . or not at all, which is best.

NC sucks ___, but protects you, for one, and two, it doesn't satisfy her need to get attention or supply from you. WIN WIN

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thank you. I'm definitely learning as I go along. I've grown so much from this site in the past few weeks.

[UnLuckyLady]

Oh so have I.  This board has been my saving grace, literally.  The hell we've gone through is insidious... . and sometimes.I do weep when I read what others are going through.  I wouldn't wish this experience on a soul... . much less my faceless friends here.  Thank God for you guys

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

I'm definitely trying for win win situations!  Yeah, the NC was hard at first but it gradually becomes easier.  Being out of the day to day with her I'm finally able to see the patterns and the behaviors like I couldn't before.  Her attempts to contact me about the gas smell yesterday (who knows if that's even true, and she has other resources to contact) was such a huge eye opener.  I totally get that it was used to feed her own needs and it wasn't really about any gas smell at all.  I'm slowly wising up!

[seeking balance]

I'm definitely trying for win win situations!  Yeah, the NC was hard at first but it gradually becomes easier.  Being out of the day to day with her I'm finally able to see the patterns and the behaviors like I couldn't before.  Her attempts to contact me about the gas smell yesterday (who knows if that's even true, and she has other resources to contact) was such a huge eye opener.  I totally get that it was used to feed her own needs and it wasn't really about any gas smell at all.  I'm slowly wising up!

Overall, pwBPD are emotional children - she may or may not have been scared about the gas - but she was likely feeling fear... . you at one point for her were an emotional bandaid, thus reaching out to you. 

Changing the focus from the BPD to you now - how did you feel about the interaction and now?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Seeking Balance,

I feel like I handled the interaction pretty well.  I kept it very brief, direct and to the point.  I didn't make it too emotional or sympathetic, just factual and instructive.  I feel good today.  I didn't get sucked in.  And I'm not following through this morning to see if the smell dissipated.  It's not my job any more when she is making choices to replace me with other men.  Her comment about "I didn't know who to call" was laughable. 

[LilMissSunshine]

Play the game until the papers are signed. This is something you have to do. If you show them how much you dislike, hate, are disgusted by them they will become retaliatory.

I did the same thing and actually walked into the last recycle on purpose with the intention of getting him to write me a letter of recomendation (technically he was my last employer).  I prepared myself emotionally knowing he would soon be discarding me anyway.  (we've probably recycled over 20 times)  If I had asked him for one, like people normally can do, he would've laughed in my face and refused (big hole in my resume as I worked for him for four years). 

Not proud to admit that I "used" him this last time, but What the heck?  He's been using me for 5 1/2 years.

Anyway, I got the letter and just last week received a lucrative job offer.  One more interview and then it's decision time.  No more control from him, no more loose strings - just cut the last one.   

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Lilmisssunshine,

Congrats on the job offer!  That's awesome.  See, there's a silver lining to what we have had to go through right?  Good luck, hope you get the position!

[seeking balance]

I feel good today.  I didn't get sucked in.  And I'm not following through this morning to see if the smell dissipated. 

This is the most important part - you... . as long as you are ok, that is the point really.

Her comment about "I didn't know who to call" was laughable. 

I know it seems ridiculous, but in her mind and in that moment, she truly believes this.  BPD is a serious mental illness and sometimes we think it is a joke, but it is not.  Because pwBPD manage to make sense and function like you or me - doesn't mean it is real.  I had a super hard time understanding the facts as they related to what I was seeing... . finally, I decided to just accept the facts and move along 

Glad you are good - again, your emotions really are what are important here!

[LilMissSunshine]

Awh thanks SA... . sorry to sorta hijack your thread.  But, I got a little excited.

Anyway, going back to your original post my X would do stuff like that all the time.  Contact me when he had a crisis going on.  Usually by the time I got back to him about it he wouldn't respond (what happened to the crisis?).  I'm talking alleged injuries, threats of suicide, his dad's on his deathbed etc.  Turns out none of it was ever true.  Yikes.     In other words he "cried wolf" all the time to see if and how fast I'd come a running.  Classic borderline behavior is all  

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Lilmisssunshine,

You didn't hijack the thread, no worries!  I'm happy for you that you have some good news!  Anyone can add in some positive news to any of my threads!  Positive news is good news!  

Yeah, the last text exchange from her was quite vitriolic.  So this text exchange, while a lot more pleasant and nice, was all about feeding her.

Seeking balance,

Emotionally I'm doing ok today.  It's been a real struggle these months but I'm getting to the acceptance phase.  She's gone.  So far gone.  There's no relationship to ever go back to.  The sheer amount of lies that she's told in the past few months alone and all the sleeping around she's done should make me want to run for the hills.  

[State85]

Hi everyone. Thought I'd give a little update. I'm doing fairly well keeping up the no contact going on more than 3 weeks, going to the gym 4 days a week (saw a friend tonight who said I was looking excellent!), and just trying to stay very busy.

The last time uBPDstxwife communicated she sent me a "f--k you" laced text tirade over me not telling her a friend was pregnant (you see even though we are separated and she's secretly screwing other guys, I still need to inform her so she doesn't hear from other people because when she does it's extremely upsetting. Yeah).  So she wasn't speaking to me because of that and that's fine because I decided to go no contact.

She called tonight. I didn't answer. I saw on Facebook she was home sick so I figured she may be seeking sympathy. Then she texted.

Wife: "Hey are you around?  I need some help."

Crap, I thought.  I need to be cordial with her as we doing our separation agreement so I decided to answer but keep it brief.

Me: "I'm at the gym. What's up?"

Wife: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.  (Gee, maybe she could throw in a sorry for the 4 f--k you's from 3 weeks ago? Nah, that's asking too much, and besides it was my fault that she got so mad). I didn't know who else to call. I took the dog out to go to the potty and get the mail and when I came back into my apartment it smells strongly of gas. I didn't notice it earlier but I've been inside all day. A nob on the stove looked a little turned but I'm not sure that was it. I opened windows but I'm not sure what to do."

Me: Open all doors, windows, run fans, and the a/c fan.  Check stove nobs to be sure it's off. If it persists after airing out, call your landlord.

Wife: ok, thank you.  So sorry to bother you. I didn't know who to call and didn't want to worry my parents.

Me: Ok, call your landlord if there's more problems.

Wife: ok


So basically, this was an attempt to reengage and get sympathy right?  Obviously, she has a guy she dating, she could have called him.  Or the property management of the apartment complex. Why me?  I wonder if there really was a gas smell at all. I can't tell when she's telling the truth or not.

I’ve had this happen to me numerous times. Her calling or texting about something she needs help with. From, sympathy texts that she might be soon homeless.

She needs milk in the refrigerator for her kids and can’t leave the house.

Her dog got loose.

Etc., etc., etc.

I asked her why can’t you just call who you are sleeping with…... not me. Her obvious response, I’m not with anybody…... thanks for not helping.