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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: How do I confront her severe cheating?  (Read 444 times)
imstronghere2
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« Reply #30 on: January 04, 2014, 07:13:37 AM »

They seem to have no problem with sleeping with your so-called friends, if my experience is anything to go by. 

Got that right.  Friends, neighbors, acquaintances and whomever they happened to meet that gave them attention.   

Disgusting
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #31 on: January 04, 2014, 09:52:45 AM »

So this is really an attention thing more than an attraction thing. I showered her with a TON of attention always.  I pretty much devoted my life to her. No matter how much attention I could muster for her it would never be enough huh?
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imstronghere2
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« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2014, 10:40:15 AM »

So this is really an attention thing more than an attraction thing. I showered her with a TON of attention always.  I pretty much devoted my life to her. No matter how much attention I could muster for her it would never be enough huh?

That's right because you were already CONQUERED!  No more thrill.  It's all in the chase and the drive for control.  She didn't have to work to get your attention so you were now shuffled off to the side.  But God help you if you weren't readily available when SHE needed you to be.  I say this not to bring you down but because I went through the same thing.  When I first started to see my therapist to try and make sense out of this mess, one of the hardest things I had to come to grips with was that her actions were almost solely based on her NEED for attention.  I had such a hard time with that because we were applying that to a 42 year old woman (at the time) and mother, NOT a child.  And the more I learned about BPD, the more I accepted that the child is exactly what we're dealing with.  An emotionally stunted 3 year old but working it through an adult body with adult consequences.

Something else I learned was that at least in my exwBPD case, she's attracted to narcissists, BIG time.  There's a lot of information out there about the NPD/BPD relationship and their attraction to each other and why.  I'm very thankful I'm not either of those things because I have two kids and they needed me to be their stability point.  I have found that I'm better at being able to deal with both of those disorders now but I absolutely detest NPD's.   

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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2014, 10:47:40 AM »

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense - the conquest. I'd say once we were married, she didn't really feel the need to chase after me or work for the relationship. Yeah, she would do nice things, don't get me wrong, but I never felt the level that I put in was ever matched or reciprocated by her. (but she would make excuses as to why this was my fault).

I could only imagine that once we would have had a baby I'd be pushed to the side even more. I'm so glad I listened to my gut on that.

I totally can relate to the emotional child in an adult body. I'd often say to my therapist that I had a teenage daughter emotionally and not a wife. 
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Changingman
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #34 on: January 24, 2014, 08:26:45 AM »

Can I say something brutal?

If you do have kids you'll have to have a DNA test. How does that feel? Feel like working through her 'issues'.

Get some balls and get out. You are being eaten alive and offering to salt yourself for her. You CAN save someone, he was once a vulnerable child, save him, before you bring another boy into the world and have to save him.

This is possibly the most important moment in your life, you are in danger, many lives can be saved, real lives. Yours and YOUR children, you want this demons hands on your/another guys kids.

Love to you, do the right thing
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Pearl55
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Posts: 386


« Reply #35 on: January 24, 2014, 08:43:30 AM »

Seekingadvice

Do you really want to continue with her? She's not a teenage girl. She's only a 3 year old for god sake!
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Ironmanrises
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #36 on: January 24, 2014, 09:54:17 AM »

So this is really an attention thing more than an attraction thing. I showered her with a TON of attention always.  I pretty much devoted my life to her. No matter how much attention I could muster for her it would never be enough huh?

That's right because you were already CONQUERED!  No more thrill.  It's all in the chase and the drive for control.  She didn't have to work to get your attention so you were now shuffled off to the side.  But God help you if you weren't readily available when SHE needed you to be.  I say this not to bring you down but because I went through the same thing.  When I first started to see my therapist to try and make sense out of this mess, one of the hardest things I had to come to grips with was that her actions were almost solely based on her NEED for attention.  I had such a hard time with that because we were applying that to a 42 year old woman (at the time) and mother, NOT a child.  And the more I learned about BPD, the more I accepted that the child is exactly what we're dealing with.  An emotionally stunted 3 year old but working it through an adult body with adult consequences.

Something else I learned was that at least in my exwBPD case, she's attracted to narcissists, BIG time.  There's a lot of information out there about the NPD/BPD relationship and their attraction to each other and why.  I'm very thankful I'm not either of those things because I have two kids and they needed me to be their stability point.  I have found that I'm better at being able to deal with both of those disorders now but I absolutely detest NPD's.   

One disordered person coupled with another disordered person. Hurt will be left in the wake of that. My ex too was attracted to narcissists(based on how she described her previous exes) and then I came along. The total opposite.
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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Posts: 185


« Reply #37 on: January 24, 2014, 11:15:46 AM »

Add to the list of her cheating:

She cheated on me with the ex boyfriend she broke up with in order to start dating me... . for several months! 
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winston72
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Posts: 688



« Reply #38 on: January 24, 2014, 02:42:09 PM »

Hey SAC... . it is nice to hear from you in this and your other posts recently.  Glad you are doing well. 

I think your strategy to "keep the peace" until the final settlement/dissolution agreement is finalized is sensible and wise.  You are not "hiding" issues from her... . they are her behaviors! 

As to how you handle your awareness of her affairs... . that has a few more layers.  What is best for you in the long term?  For me, I needed to let me ex know that I knew and I also wanted to know more fully what she did.  This was good for me because I have a tendency to avoid pain and to not hold people accountable for how they hurt me.  I think other people might find it better to just wash their hands of it all and move on.  There is not one way to handle such a thing.  The key is awareness of what you need, a sense of fidelity to your own values and approach to life, and just what provides for a better sense of yourself. 

One thing that comes to my mind is that you have been a bit opaque about how you have confirmed her affairs.  If you are going to seek some honesty from her, or at least shining the light of truth on her you might be prepared to let her know how you found out. 
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