the infamous borderline silent treatment...

[bluebasket321]

I'm getting the silent treatment from my BP friend again.  I'm pretty used to the cycle by now, I know it's a BPD trait and try not to take it personally.

This was following a disagreement so I know she is upset.

I'm just wondering in your experience:

Is the silent treatment typically used as a passive-aggressive way for the BP to get attention/provoke a response from someone?

Or

Is it the result of the BP being emotionally "shut down" or dissociated?

I suspect that people are going to tell me that I should just concentrate on myself and not think about why, but I'm still curious to know!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

It's all of the above. They are upset. You are upset. It's way better to them that you are upset even MORE. It gives them a feeling of control to have you saying hey how's it going and they can ignore you because YOU MADE them upset.

It's about control, passive agressive behavior, silent bullying and outright meaness. They love love love to have you there begging, and they can refuse to respond. It's pure blameshifting and making you take all the blame for their messed up inability to deal with the emotions they are either refusing to deal with or unable to deal with.

My boyfriend is a master magician in this abuse. He has easily found my weak spot ( major abandonment issues) and punched that weak spot by running off, silent treatments, until I am to the point of screaming in pure agony, fear and rage from it the  minute it starts.

So you know what I have done? I walked away and told him I needed some time. He hasn't said a word. I know he is waiting for me to pop back up. I won't be doing that any time in the next week or so. Maybe longer, depending on how I fast I calm down over it.

And YES, get on with your life. Ignore your friend back. When they are ready to talk, they will. And I am told the less you let it bother you, the less it will get used against you because they are not getting a reaction.

And isn't it better to find all of the lovely, grand things in your own life and go about enjoying yourself than sitting vigil over someone who is enjoying jerking you around? The best way to not have to deal with it, is not to be there. Believe me, your "friend" will show back up. Once the coast is clear and things are all boring because you are not there boo hooing at them, they come back out and will look for you.

just my own feelings at this point.

[CPWUSAF33]

It's all of the above. They are upset. You are upset. It's way better to them that you are upset even MORE. It gives them a feeling of control to have you saying hey how's it going and they can ignore you because YOU MADE them upset.

It's about control, passive agressive behavior, silent bullying and outright meaness. They love love love to have you there begging, and they can refuse to respond. It's pure blameshifting and making you take all the blame for their messed up inability to deal with the emotions they are either refusing to deal with or unable to deal with.

My boyfriend is a master magician in this abuse. He has easily found my weak spot ( major abandonment issues) and punched that weak spot by running off, silent treatments, until I am to the point of screaming in pure agony, fear and rage from it the  minute it starts.

So you know what I have done? I walked away and told him I needed some time. He hasn't said a word. I know he is waiting for me to pop back up. I won't be doing that any time in the next week or so. Maybe longer, depending on how I fast I calm down over it.

And YES, get on with your life. Ignore your friend back. When they are ready to talk, they will. And I am told the less you let it bother you, the less it will get used against you because they are not getting a reaction.

And isn't it better to find all of the lovely, grand things in your own life and go about enjoying yourself than sitting vigil over someone who is enjoying jerking you around? The best way to not have to deal with it, is not to be there. Believe me, your "friend" will show back up. Once the coast is clear and things are all boring because you are not there boo hooing at them, they come back out and will look for you.

just my own feelings at this point.

Zencat:

I am now getting the silent/isolation treatment as well from my BPD wife.  And, I am doing EXACTLY what you suggested above.  I am basically staying out of the house whenever I have the opportunity.  That way, I don’t have to witness her throwing things and stomping around when she comes out of the guest room.  There is no use throwing things around when there is no audience.

There is one thing that is different with me than with your on the eventual outcome.  Eventually, she will approach me; but, it won’t be congenial—she will bring up the whole incident once again.  When she isolates herself, it gives her more time to build her anger and create a scenario in her mind that will justify her actions.  She will deliver that justification to me with both barrels soon.

What is amazing is that while the scenario she will deliver will actually be based on some foundation of truth—it is just that it is nowhere near to the level she perceives.  I usually end up apologizing and explaining how I will try to do better—which is counterproductive because that makes me an enabler.  But if I argue against it, it will send her into another complete and massive fit of rage.  Any suggestions?

[elemental]

To help you, if you haven't already reviewed them, to the right on this page ---> are the tools for staying.

Validation acknowledges her feelings, that she is upset, and feels bad/sad/mad.

You can validate without assuming blame, when she comes out of her lair. Reading the lessons can help you do validation without taking responsibility and promising to do better. You don't need to do better. She does. But you can help her do better by using the tools.

Right now for myself, I am experiencing a lot of anger, pain and resentment. As long as I am in that state, I can't make myself do anything for my boyfriend. He tries to turn tables on me saying he will only talk and discuss in a kind and calm way. That is if *I* am kind and calm. I am not calm, and what the heck he thinks anyone he cheated on, lied to, continues to behave in uncaring ways... . will be calm and kind in a discussion after he winds me up with ignoring, silent treatment and misleading me... . right now I would like to be anything but kind to him. So I can't talk to him.

You can enforce a boundry by saying to her that you will not discuss anything when she is raging at you. Then enforce this by removing yourself from the conversation if she is not calm.

Haha, I feel like SUCH a hypocrite saying that considering how upset I am.

Maybe it can help you though.

[CPWUSAF33]

Thank-you Zencat--you make perfect sense. 

I'm a newbee and wish I found this site before.  What I wrote in the above post would seem as crazy to someone that has no clue about BPD.  It is so nice to know that I am not alone and that there are people out there that actually understand what I am going through.

I will now read every word of the lessons at the right side of this page--THANK-YOU again!

[elemental]

Well, honestly, it is up to me to put myself in an emotional and mental condition to be able to talk to my boyfriend. My upset is mine to manage. So ultimately, as we are reinforced here, we can only change ourselves and we can learn the lessons. And sometimes that creates enough of a shift in our relationship that our BPD person calms down too, and we can have a relationship with them if we are comitted to staying.

Good luck to you. For my own self I already know if I stay calm, my relationship will improve immensely. I will feel a load better about myself too. Feeling ok about me is most important to me in the long run.

[bluebasket321]

At the moment I'm feeling calm and in no hurry to make contact... . but I know that when she does come around and initiate contact again she will turn it around and make it ME who was giving her the silent treatment... . and if that happens I will be ANNOYED and it will be hard to stay calm... .

[elemental]

Fortunately you are forewarned and know your own self well enough to know how you will feel if she does that.

So, what are you going to do if you feel annoyed? Do you have a plan to manage that so your annoyance doesn't add to the problem?

They say here in the lessons, sometimes you have to take it for the team until you can shift the balance. And that it doesn't work for a while, until your BPD feels that you are on their side and not an opponent. They need to feel they can trust you enough that they will work with you.

And in BPD land that can take a while.

[shinedog]

Oh yes, the notorious silent treatment.

When I was hit with this the first 500 times I had no clue how to handle it. I'm not sure I do even at this point, but initially she would go into turtle mode and I would dig at that shell. I built it up that it was me. She would text other people, other men, chat via Facebook, etc. I would see these messages and it would send me into a tailspin. Since, you are only ignoring me I must have done something. So I would push and push until I escalated her feelings as well and the rage would come out. Inevitably after days of letting it fester in myself it was difficult for me to calm down. Usually, these early arguments would end in her leaving or me kicking her out and in most of those scenarios it would be into the arms of one of the other men she had been chatting with. This only made it worse for me as then my suspicions were validated. But, as usual within a few days she'd come back around I'd give in and of course I would be blamed for her sleeping with another man while she was gone.

Now, self admittedly I still don't handle this very well, however I've learned that the desired results I was looking for weren't working so I better switch it up. At this point when she goes into silent mode I usually give it a little bit. It's frustrating because things might be going well. We might be texting back-and-forth about the evenings plans, but when I walk through the door after work it's a new game. So, yes it still hurts because the excitement and joy of having my BPD partner seemingly willing and eager to spend time with me only to be let down is not fun, but I have to see it for what it is. I'll usually wait and then at some point approach the subject. Not usually directly because the scorn of a sharp response is sometimes still difficult to deal with but maybe indirectly through a text or email. This is not the way I want to handle it because it seems so impersonal but it keeps me out of the direct firing line. I might say something like "Hey, are you feeling ok I sense you're a little distant. Can I do anything for you or did I do something that I didn't realize I did to hurt your feelings?"

I actually think she's gotten better about recognizing these times as well and responds a little better. There are times she even says it's not you or anything you've done. Now, once again at that point that probably is the case but given a little time if I push too much I will become the problem and that's usually when it blows up. So now I become quiet as well. I might get out of the house for a while. I might work a little longer at the office. I might sit on the couch and watch TV not really acknowledging she's around. I'm as quiet as she is. Like someone else said mirroring her. At some point she usually comes around and will cuddle up to me or hug me or it may simply be I get a normal out of the blue text message. A desired response I suppose. I don't want a raging fight but ultimately I would prefer to not have to act in a manner that's not natural to me. The problem with this for me is this puts me in a gloomy mood. I'm usually fairly upbeat and friendly. Being in this state too long away from the girl I love is not always easy to snap out of. So when she comes around I may not respond immediately or return the affection. 9 times out of 10 this is ok with her. She will step away and try again later.

We actually just went through a week of this silence. On Sunday the silent treatment started out of no where. I went into my own shell as well. No contact whatsoever. We could pass in the hall and not even make eye contact. Around Tuesday evening she came around. I wasn't receptive to it and she backed off. Thursday was my birthday and she sent me a happy birthday text at this point I did respond and yesterday evening was perfectly fine. She had made me a cake and was attentive and loving.

The most painful thing is that won't be the last time and the woman I spent last night with may not be there when I get home today.

[CPWUSAF33]

Shinedog:

She actually said, "There are times she even says it's not you or anything you've done. "  That has never happened to me--EVER... . I could tolerate what you're going through--don't get me wrong, what you're going through is terrible; however it pales in comparison to my BPD wife.  If my wife would actually say that even ONCE, I would be extremely grateful.

Sounds like you're doing things right.  I commend you... . I wish it would work for me... . I am absolutely ready to just give up and jump off a cliff!

[elemental]

When mine first started the silent treatment, I didn't understand at all. I was like some little bunny hopping around and then here it comes... I was completely puzzled and felt nothing except curious. He explained to me that he was freezing up, and panicking. So off he ran. I considered myself pretty harmless, so I didn't "get" it. I wanted to help and reassure and talk it out.

Over 7 years of this. I didn't realize then... and if I had, I would have walked away. But... after a while, I realized that he was not panicked. He was FURIOUS. And he wanted to hurt me. It took a long time before I could accept that he felt that way, that it was intended to hurt me, and that he would do it without mercy and to the point I was literally bawling on the floor screaming at him to STOP.

Did he?

No. He would carry on recreational activities in front of me while I was flipping out over his silent treatment. Video games, listening to music. I am winding myself up right now just saying what happened.

The next thing I learned is that it is better NOT to get suckered into that kind of engagement from the very beginning than it is to extricate myself and calm down. Usually I get suckered from a different angle and if I am not careful, it can go haywire.

The only real solution I am learning while he is doing it, is not to care what he is doing and go about my business. For the last couple of months, he has been working the silent treatment at me. Hanging up on me, blocking me on IM's, ignoring, walking out the room when I come in, leaving the house when I come home. Flat out ignoring.

So I removed myself from him about 5 days ago. It's only today that I have felt myself calming down.  I told him I would touch base in a week. I know he is looking for me, because typically I am 100% available, consistently present.

The longer I am not talking to him, the more I am remembering all of the things in my life that I have been letting go because so much of my mental and emotional energy has been burnt up by all the complete and utter BS. So I am kind of angry, too. Which is probably coming across in my posts, sorry people.

Maybe if you do that, you will calm down and remember all of the great things you have not been doing. I think that is getting detachment.

Right now, after 5 days, I am sitting here thinking, wow it would be awesome if this relationship was what I thought it was in the beginning.  I am feeling anxiety about trying to talk to him. I am afraid silent treatment in my face. And truely, I realize for me, that silent rage and refusal to acknowledge my existence could just be a deal breaker for me, along with his nasty ex wife who has Golden Uterous Syndrome.  

Maybe I just need more time, though.

[Murbay]

My exBPDw would find something random and of interest that day, hit me with it and then go into silent mode. At first it was very difficult to deal with but after many times, I was just glad of the peace. The worst part was living in the same house because when I started to do my own thing it would send her into a rage and the words "You obviously don't care about what you have done to me" However, if you try and have a rational conversation when they are doing this, you have no respect for them.

I had to put up with silent treatment for very random things, she had a dream about me leaving her (3 days silent treatment) I accidentally kicked her one night in my sleep (a weeks silent treatment) made worse because I felt really bad about it so decided to sleep on the sofa one night after she told me so I didn't do it again, that led to another 3 days silent treatment.

Now she has had almost one years silent treatment from me after the divorce and she isn't liking it one bit. However, it was her who told everyone who would listen that I was to never contact her again. She can't say I'm not respecting her wishes  

I'm currently going through silent treatment with BPDgf, not seen her for 3 weeks. She asked for space because she is going through a difficult time so I have given her that space. I do send her a text every few days to ask how she is doing but think she is getting angry now that I'm not chasing. I learned a valuable lesson from exBPDw, so not falling into that trap again 

[bluebasket321]

Well I resolved to do my own thing and not bother trying to contact her anymore... . and sure enough just as I anticipated, she sent me a message today saying, "Been a week, don't you want to break the silence?"  As if it it was me who had been been ignoring her!

Before I could reply, she phoned and I managed to keep my calm and we had a normal conversation, not bringing up the silent spell (the elephant in the room).

One thing that gets to me about the silent treatment is that she never takes responsibility for it.  She either turns it around like it was me who did it to her, or makes up an excuse ("my phone was stolen", "I was in the hospital". But she's never once said anything like, "I was too mad to speak to you".

I know the silent treatment is part of the BPD package so I don't expect it to stop any time soon, but somehow if she'd just take responsibility for it once it would make a huge difference for me.  Oh well... .

[elemental]

Mine broke his silence today and seems calm.

You can bet I am going to do what I can on my end to keep some peace going. I am working on the detachment, so am keeping busy otherwise today.

If I don't have a panic attack and start JADEing that should be about 90% of the keeping calm. The other 10% seems tolarated both sides.

[Summer2018]

So helpful to read this thread and not feel so alone with this. It's day 4 of silence today, on the back of a previous 7 days of silence, so its been a real rolla coaster. We are in different countries right now, so its easy for M to do, just stops answering everything, turns off all social media. Leaves me in free fall. I know the pattern after our two years together, time tells me M will turn up when cooled off, re regulated the emotional fire/numbness - but every time I go into a tail spin, wondering if this is our ending, if this time M will never come back. I try and just do the daily check in's, to reassure that the channel is open for M to make contact. But I find the behaviour totally destructive, and its really the only thing we really struggle with that we have not found a work around for. Every time I try gain more insight after the fact, discuss it, explore ways to identify it, make a plan and boundary set, but it all just goes out the window the next time the M's feelings engulf, when triggered or feeling cornered by something. The apologies for these disappearance become less, which worries me, less insight maybe? thinks I accept it? but its really wearing me down and my own anxiety rages during these episodes, and I really question my stamina to survive the next one.

[Hilton]

I’m day 6 of silent treatment.  They seem to be coming around more often now and lasting longer.  My bf is also a cocaine user.  Usage has increased since lockdown.  He thinks he hides it from me how often.  For two years he has been saying he is coming off.

I struggle to know whether the silent treatment causes are due to BPD /jealousy/comedown etc etc etc

Like above, it makes me so sad cos each time I never know if this is it and we are over. 

I now just wait to hear from him rather than like last year when I was begging for him to get in contact.

The Jekyll and Hyde too destroys me. 

I wish I could walk away but I want to be there for him but he is incapable of even seeing that. 

[Ventak]

For a slightly different perspective...

My BPDw told me recently that her silent treatment is when she knows she's having an episode and has just enough control to shut herself down.  The alternative would be screaming, raging, or violence.  She said that when she is in that mode she needs space, and to leave her alone to sort through her emotions... that she will let me know when she is in control and is suitable for company.

Unfortunately she was arrested for DV before I had the chance to see how that would play out, and I have a restraining order against her to protect the kids.  But it could be what your friend is experiencing.

[syndee]

I’m day 6 of silent treatment.  

Hi, I just want to say hi to you all...  my partners in the silent treatment universe.   day 7 for me.

Nothing else to add, unfortunately.  Just suffering through the uncertainty of, is this really over or not.   

[maral]

Well, another one that is added; day 7 of silence. First of all, thanks for this incredible forum and for those who respond. I appreciate any support or guidance.

Suffering a lot again ... you never get used to being okay with your partner, and suddenly disappear like this. And at the same time I want to support him, I don't want him to suffer

He got angry with me for a reproach I made him of which I regret that he did not take care of me at a certain time.

When he started the silence for un  I validated his anger in several messages.

Only the first one answered. Yesterday I wrote again with validation and perhaps too much text on my part Nothing.

I will try to be calm. Right now I don't know if we are no longer together, if he has left with another or if he will return loving when he passes. It has been a few years now. of living this merry-go-round. It had not happened for many months and it took me by surprise. This time he got angry with me and I think for good reason, as I very subtly reproached him for a lack of care on his part at a certain moment.

He is not diagnosed and he is high functioning, although I have sensed for years that I have been consulting this forum and from what my therapist pointed out that it is bpd.

Thank you very much for reading this message

[maral]

Hi, I just want to say hi to you all...  my partners in the silent treatment universe.   day 7 for me.

Nothing else to add, unfortunately.  Just suffering through the uncertainty of, is this really over or not.   

I feel the same, a lot of encouragement

silent treatment is a really hard and difficult thing

[maral]

For a slightly different perspective...

My BPDw told me recently that her silent treatment is when she knows she's having an episode and has just enough control to shut herself down.  The alternative would be screaming, raging, or violence.  She said that when she is in that mode she needs space, and to leave her alone to sort through her emotions... that she will let me know when she is in control and is suitable for company.

Unfortunately she was arrested for DV before I had the chance to see how that would play out, and I have a restraining order against her to protect the kids.  But it could be what your friend is experiencing.

Thank you very much, what you say is very enlightening; This is how I have felt it at times, that it makes the treatment silent, since any other option would be worse.

For me this time is more difficult, since I think he really had reason to be angry with me. It's funny how I justify silence, I always think it's the end of our thing and I feel guilty.

Thanks for the inspiration

[judee]

Just wondering... looking back. My BPD used the silent treatment a lot. What helped me  a bit is calling him out on it. Just calling things by the name. Saying to him like hey, are you aware you are using the silent treatment and that that is a very damaging, abusive technique?
Wondering if anyone thinks this is a good approach or has tried it.