WHY am I doing this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been through the hell that is a relationship with a person I firmly believe suffers from BPD (high functioning).

I've been through the multiple recycles.

I've been so emotionally damaged & confused, I turned researcher & sought answers & explanations.

I've read a plenty, online, books & viewed YouTube videos.

I've joined a help forum. (God bless you lot here)

I've been seeing a councilor (therapist).

So all in all I consider myself reasonably well experienced, and now educated too, on BPD & codependency. I own my share of this dance & am working on myself.

I don't want to go back into BPD hell. I don't want a recycle. I don't want her for a friend. I don't want her in my life!

So WHY am I hoping so much that her recycled relationship with my replacement blows up?

WHY does this matter so much to me?

If it happens, I may be turned white again & have her contacting me! I don't want that! The quiet is helping my recovery.

I don't want to hear from a Triangulation, manipulative, compulsive liar who will never make a good friend! And is incapable of being a good partner!

While she's with with my replacement she's crazy making on him, not me! GREAT!

She's frying his mind while mine is healing. EVEN BETTER!

I know I'm better off out of it, genuinely believe it, and won't go back.

Until I'm ready to love again, I'd rather live in lonely quietness than have company in hell!

So feckin WHY WHY WHY is their demise so important to me?

[Moonie75]

I've been through the hell that is a relationship with a person I firmly believe suffers from BPD (high functioning).

I've been through the multiple recycles.

I've been so emotionally damaged & confused, I turned researcher & sought answers & explanations.

I've read a plenty, online, books & viewed YouTube videos.

I've joined a help forum. (God bless you lot here)

I've been seeing a councilor (therapist).

So all in all I consider myself reasonably well experienced, and now educated too, on BPD & codependency. I own my share of this dance & am working on myself.

I don't want to go back into BPD hell. I don't want a recycle. I don't want her for a friend. I don't want her in my life!

So WHY am I hoping so much that her recycled relationship with my replacement blows up?

WHY does this matter so much to me?

If it happens, I may be turned white again & have her contacting me! I don't want that! The quiet is helping my recovery.

I don't want to hear from a Triangulation, manipulative, compulsive liar who will never make a good friend! And is incapable of being a good partner!

While she's with with my replacement she's crazy making on him, not me! GREAT!

She's frying his mind while mine is healing. EVEN BETTER!

I know I'm better off out of it, genuinely believe it, and won't go back.

Until I'm ready to love again, I'd rather live in lonely quietness than have company in hell!

So feckin WHY WHY WHY is their demise so important to me?

[arn131arn]

I am the same way, Moonie. I THINK it has allot to do with validation. If it fails then u feel somewhat validated. If it succeeds then she is validated. I don't understand what it is really, Moonie. But I feel the exact same way, bro. It's funny I know the same and feel same as you. I don't know what the deal with with that.

[State85]

Moonie,

I'm the same way. I look for little things that might indicate my exgf and replacement are blowing up. And I want to witness it happening. Maybe, cause then she may realize what she did to me... . that's probably hopeless though. Like Arn said, probably would be validating to us.

[Perfidy]

It's because you aren't being honest with yourself and you miss her and want her back. When you stop wanting her you won't care.

[CoasterRider]

It's because you aren't being honest with yourself and you miss her and want her back. When you stop wanting her you won't care.

Im with you guys I want to see the rebound replacement crash and burn and I want a front row seat with soda and popcorn in hand to watch every gory detail.

I agree with perfidy though, its more than likely the real reason. The day we dont give a crap is the day we are officially over them.

[Moonie75]

Fellas, I'm not sure it is validation for me?

For starters, I left her! I caught her out & walked. I found that validating & I validated myself!

I've accepted that she (and any replacement) can't validate me!

I don't compare myself to him because its not about looks, status, popularity etc. that has no bearing on anything with these people!

I was just a tool being used for a job, and now she's using him for it!

Maybe instead of validation, it's more a tinge of vindictive spite surfacing from within me?

I don't know? But I do know its bothering me a lot! And that it is bothering me, further bothers me! If I don't want to hear from her I should be wanting them to last as long as possible!

[Perfidy]

Takes time moonie.

[Pretty Woman]

Moonie,

 You are craving the validation she IS crazy because there are times when they are lucid and we ALL remember those times. That's the stuff we cling to... . the good times like that... . when they seemed "normal" to us and we loved those times. We cherished those times.

I never thought my ex would contact me again. Her odd "accidental" emails and then non accidental un-blocking me on Facebook... .

yeah my heart raced.

My heart was racing because someone who treated me like the shyt on the bottom of their shoe was "reaching out"?

Please.

My rational mind being two months out of the FOG tells me she is:

A) Trying to hurt me by playing a a game

B) Has no one on the radar and needs attention

All I have to do is remember how she told me our relationship meant nothing to her. There were NO good times and how I treated her like garbage and she could do better.

Yeah, I am a total m'fing ahole.  Me, the woman that surprised her on her birthday by booking the most romantic table in Chicago (we dined in a restored elevator shaft overlooking a very elegant dining room). Yeah, the Selfish Ass (me, again) who took her to a B&B where I used to spend my summers as a child, for a romantic weekend and wine tasting.

Yeah the Ahole Prick (me yet again) who used to call her cell phone and serenade her with songs (I am a trained singer).

Yeah I treated her like crap.

So then I remember her leaving me for a friend days before my birthday. Me, the Self Absorbed Bit_& laying in the fetal position on my couch for four days straight over the holidays without a shower. Me, who was so despondent and forlorn I could barely keep myself alive, lost 50lbs and was living off "hope" she would come back. Me, the jerk who ruined her life, being slandered to everyone we know as a nutjob.

Me who was nice and loving to someone who never deserved it.

It makes getting past the dejection and even desiring a re-engagement easier.

And yet I know I haven't seen/heard the last of her. This is going to continue to be a struggle.

[CoasterRider]

I was just a tool being used for a job, and now she's using him for it!

Amen, that's all we were to them, just an attachment it wasnt a healthy relationship it was a host parasite type situation.

[Moonie75]

Takes time moonie.

Cheers Perf,

Plain, old fashioned & direct factual wisdom.

I'm only 6 weeks out from 3 years (last two years including a few recycles).

Maybe I'm expecting to run before I'm walking without crutches?

[Perfidy]

Well... . You are restarting. Just think of it as research

[Perfidy]

Moonie... Relapse is part of recovery.

[Pretty Woman]

I second Perfidy, Relapse is part of recovery. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired things start to change.

[Ironmanrises]

That relationship will go to part. Why? She has BPD. That is how they all end. Some take longer then others. End result. Same. Destruction. The non, usually on the receiving end of that. This forum with its multitude of accounts bears horrific testimony to that. Hang in there my friend. Your wish will come true. Just remember that as soon as it starts to implode, she may very well return to you.

[Lol4fun]

Moonie,

I go through the same feelings where I want to see his new r/s crash & burn.  Why part of it is I want validation yet I know that in reality when I get to a true healthy place I won't need this validation bc I'll be able to validate myself, the other part is bc I have a bruised ego I was rejected & told that it was bc of who I am that the r/s failed. The other part of me wants that revenge or karma to come bite him in the but so he can feel as bad as he made me feel. However, I'm a big believer of the vibes I put out to the world is what I then will get back. I certainly don't want that type of yuck to keep appearing again and again just in different packages.  For me yes it hurt immensely that I was replaced in under a week that he became exclusive with her in that same amount of time and started making the check in posts all over FB indicating where they are on there date and how he is out with the most wonderful woman. Same exact stuff he did with me in the exact same time frame. I can only imagine his ex wife feeling the same as me. When he met me he was only 2.5 weeks out from his finalized divorce she had only moved out from their shared house about that time as well & they parted friends & stayed FB friends as well as going to dinner on occasion.  Thus, it had to be difficult for her to see those same types of posts made by him when we got together so soon after they officially ended.  I don't really know what the answer is for the both of us. Do you follow your intuition at all or believe in the power of intuition and it being guided by the universe for your ultimate good, well being, & happiness?  I do and I'm beginning to think that the way through this & to not continue to be stuck is to ask the universe for guidance & to start actively putting positive energy back out there bc if we stick to this one negative even though we are moving on positively with everything else were still bringing that negativity back into our lives & this ultimately remain stuck.  I've often heard sometimes we have to fake it before we make it. I know for me I am going to have to put post it up around my house with affirming positive statements towards my ex & his new r/s it will probably be something along the lines of I wish nothing but peace, love, & happiness for my ex & I forgive him for his part in the demise of our relationship & thank him for the lessons & opportunity for growth he has given me. I know at first this is going to feel uncomfortable & I'm not likely to fully believe it... . however, just like fake it to you make it the more I consciously do this over & over through out the day I'm going to one day wake up truly believing & feeling that positivity towards my ex.  

It's gonna be hard for sure cause my Ego really wants to stay stuck where it is bc it's familiar. But I have to be courageous and take that leap of faith if I truly want to grow & move forth as a confident happy person & if I want to attract those types of people to my life particularly in my love life.

[laelle]

I second Perfidy, Relapse is part of recovery. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired things start to change.

yep!

[CoasterRider]

The other part of me wants that revenge or karma to come bite him in the but so he can feel as bad as he made me feel.

People tell me this all the time, karma will come back, but that provides no comfort. Because the negative effects of the their next disaster will never be felt to them. The drug through hell and back feeling we have, is because we are aware of our emotions or even feel someone responsible for the end as is normal and healthy at the conclusion of any r/s. Everyone runs it over in their mind thinking how and where they could have done different or better.

EXCEPT people with cluster B personality disorders. The feelings we have post break up they wont admit they feel. Therefore they may be standing in the fresh hell we are but in their mind will think they are in a grassy field on a spring day with daisy's blooming and puppies running around.

They never get their come-uppins because they will never mentally allow themselves to admit their responsibility, its always whats "happening TO them" not caused by them.

Just what I think... .

[Pretty Woman]

I do agree with Coaster... . they never truly get their comeuppance but only because they are functioning (well non-functioning) individuals who live in their own neurosises.

They live in a perpetual state of unhappiness and fear, esp of rejection which they eventually cause for themselves.

[Lol4fun]

I would agree but at some point we have to let go & do the hard work either stay stuck in negative thinking or change our own to that of positive thinking & think only of ourselves when we do it won't matter the who, what, when, or why. We all have to decide like pretty woman when for each of us when that time will be that we are sick & tired of being sick & tired.

[Moonie75]

Yes, at least things are starting to change!

Im drummer in few bands & one has a beautiful female singer. Just this morning, she called me up & said she was in town & asked if I'd like to meet her for lunch & music talk?

I accepted the invite, met her at agreed time & took her to a really nice little place in town. We got window table & it was really pleasant.

While we chatted & waited for our food, a thought dawned on me!

I thought... . 'I just walked right down the high street with a beautiful blonde sex bomb! We're now sat in window seats & anyone who knows exBPD may see us! And ya know what? I never gave it a thought while we walked through town. And even now, I still don't care!'

I had a great lunch & we talked music, band stuff, and a little about our respective home lives. Just two friends having lunch & it felt great! During my relationship I could never have enjoyed that. Even in previous 'off' periods I wouldn't have done it (was still controlled by wanting/hoping for a reunion). Not this time though. I was doing nothing wrong & damned if I was going to let F.O.G stop me!

Today was liberating, refreshing & felt great! I tasted social freedom again & didn't fear my emotional jailer!

If we were seen, (small community) & she hears of Moonie lunching with a stunning woman?

Sorry, I don't care! Previously would have been terrified of being seen on this situation! Even though its purely plutonic!

Not today though, or tomorrow, or ever again!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Moonie,

You are doing great, and these feelings are so normal!  Let's see if we can dig a little deeper: you say it might be anger/revenge, which is very reasonable.  But under anger is fear... .

Is there a teeny, tiny part of you that is afraid that the new relationship will work, that it was you that wasn't good enough, that she might not have BPD after all, that he will have the great r/s that you couldn't have with her... . or fill in the blank?

I have a old fear inside that says there's something wrong with me, and it was definitely triggered during and after my r/s with pwBPD.

I agree with the others, when you are detached, you will wish them both well.  It's only been 6 weeks, Moonie, be gentle with yourself.  This is all part of the process.  

[CoasterRider]

I do agree with Coaster... . they never truly get their comeuppance but only because they are functioning (well non-functioning) individuals who live in their own neurosises.

They live in a perpetual state of unhappiness and fear, esp of rejection which they eventually cause for themselves.

I would venture to say a narcissist feels less responsibility than a BPD atleast BPD feels some shame which is close enough to remorse although the reasons why they feel it is different than why one feels remorse and even though it is internalized. At least they are feeling bad, narcissist seems to not care at all externally or internally.

[shellsh0cked]

Nothing unusual man... . my xgf made an attempt on my life!   Did $4000 worth of damage to my car... . embarrassed me in front of my friends and mother... . and that was just in one night!  I still missed her too despite this and all the horrible and abusive treatment!  I thought What the heck is wrong with me?   Remember this... . You miss the wonderful intense feeling you got from her and you get jealous that someone else might be receiving it... . Usually the sex with borderline is incredible... . and you can't take that idea either... . and you miss it too.  I was there... . Yeah, that Sh!t is conflicting... . Drives you crazy.  Been there.  Keep doing what you're doing dude.

[Moonie75]

Hi Moonie,

You are doing great, and these feelings are so normal!  Let's see if we can dig a little deeper: you say it might be anger/revenge, which is very reasonable.  But under anger is fear... .

Is there a teeny, tiny part of you that is afraid that the new relationship will work, that it was you that wasn't good enough, that she might not have BPD after all, that he will have the great r/s that you couldn't have with her... . or fill in the blank?

If I'm honest with myself & you lot, yes!

I guess I have viewed the evidence of my own experience, considered the facts & evidence & drawn my own conclusion... . That she is disordered, and I couldn't have made this work with a disordered partner!

I guess there is fear.

I suppose I hope for their demise to give my own conclusion confirmation?

Thus reducing any subconscious doubt I may have.

[Changingman]

They seem to do betrayal as a lifestyle.

[GreenMango]

So WHY am I hoping so much that her recycled relationship with my replacement blows up?

WHY does this matter so much to me?


So feckin WHY WHY WHY is their demise so important to me?

Moonie75 you seem to have a decent sense of humor and giving an honest effort to get your feet underneath you.  You seem like you tried so I'm just going to be straightforward with you.

It's validating. It says she's the problem.

The caveat to this is the other guy may be okay with all this. Dr. Bowen talks about relationship partners having mutual maturity.  He may be just as okay with her antics as he is his own. There's also the element of a hurt for a hurt.

It's getting to the point where you validate yourself and your experience with her. I've read the post about her lying and holding court with her men.   It's wasn't okay with you and most people in healthy relationships wouldn't be okay with it either.   This is her normal. It's okay for it not to be yours.

Detachment isn't easy especially after you've gone in for a second round hopeful.

[santa]

You're probably just bored.

Dating a crazy is exciting. I'm not saying you're bored in the sense that you don't have hobbies or other things going on. I'm just saying that there is an intensity level with having a looney girlfriend that isn't easy to replace. With my ex, there were many nights where I was expecting one of us to kill the other that night. Thankfully it didn't happen. It was a huge adrenaline rush though. Even on a regular day, just the extreme highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster are sort of a thrill. You aren't going to get that playing drums or dating some regular girl.

It's just a lifestyle choice really. If that's what you want, then dating a crazy girl is about the only way to get it. I'm not sure you should be desiring your particular crazy girl though. She's been having sex all over town with God knows who. Surely, a different crazy girl would be more beneficial to you.

Personally, I'm not looking for that kind of danger in a relationship right now. It was fun for awhile, but I don't want my whole life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to be spent wrapped up in this one crazy girl. It's up to you though. Just be aware that all she has to offer is a thrill ride. 

[myself]

You weren't just on the surface with her, so she's in your mind, your heart, your blood. Just because she's out of your life doesn't mean she's gone yet. You have to let her go, and really mean it. It's going to take awhile, but you'll get there.

[ShakinMyHead]

Hi Moonie, I'm new to the board, but not to the subject of BPD. I think when we wish our BPD ex's their demise, we are assuming there can be a demise? We are projecting again our own human pain on a person that knows how to defend when they anticipate the first signs of discomfort. So, I actually think in addition to us wishing again that they feel something, some sort of regret or compassion for what they've done to us, albeit, down the road, the BPD is actually a defense against feeling. I also think that it's what we may call a "reaction formation" a psychological term for flip flopping what has been done to us, into a projection on them. What we need to understand is that their original wound happened a long time ago. And what we've been experiencing with them is their split from childhood in which they are conflicted between their need for love and attachment and their history of abuse and having been conditioned to believe they are not entitled to it. They were victimized as children, but the victimization was modeled for them by their objects/parents/caretakers. That means that pain and love were fused together,  and that while they were victimized or neglected, they were also learning through modeling how to be an aggressor from someone who supposedly loved them the most. So, I'm not saying that I don't understand your anger, but their demise happened in the first 3 years of their lives. That's when Their true selves were split off from the false self and the false self took over. That's when the the conflict started, the loss of self, and the rage occurred. That was the point of ":)emise". From that point on, their cycles of behavior with partners are pathetic attempts at repeating the core wound over and over splitting between victim and aggressor. Our job is to learn to identify these people. To understand our attraction for them. Not everyone stays with a BPD and tries to help them. Most of us nons had a BPD/NPD parent/sibling that we were trying to fix out of our own narcissistic tendencies, and so are stuck in our own repetition compulsions, trying to fix the unfixable to prove our lovability. The only way to prove our lovability is to find someone that can already love, and wants to share that with us. Not a sick, empty, damaged being that allows us to feel like were helping them by behaving like a human being intermittently. Moonie, I would rather die a short life from a terrible disease, then live a longer life hurting people and being an empty tortured vessel. They are their demise. Feel blessed that you've dodged this bullet and pray for her present target. He will get the same as you or worse, it's only in our malignantly optimistic minds that they get well with somebody else. Hugs, SMH

[Changingman]

I do agree with Coaster... . they never truly get their comeuppance but only because they are functioning (well non-functioning) individuals who live in their own neurosises.

They live in a perpetual state of unhappiness and fear, esp of rejection which they eventually cause for themselves.

Maybe we have learnt are learning that the notion of 'fair' is for fairytails. Was the final solution fair, was a child being abused fair, no the lesson must be about who we are what we want, how we want our world to be. If you agree/disagree with whatever, that is your deal, if they don't feel it that's their deal. A psychopath feels what they feel with veiny cold no love responses. This is what it is.

I don't want to live like that, they were mirroring us. They live how they live. Is it good or bad, right or wrong. That is for us to decide for us.

I had a friend die of cancer at 36, is that right or wrong, good or bad, fair?

My uBPDxw is arguing etc with the new guy in her life, someone said I guess this makes you right you have been proved correct, must make you feel good being justified.

I said,  me and her have 2 kids it gives me no joy that she is messed up and we all have to live with it.

Hope she suffers though x