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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Waifed
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« on: January 28, 2014, 08:32:47 PM »

Question

I have read a ton on BPD and that borderlines lack a clear sense of self. I understand that they tend to mirror their partners. Mine did mirror me some but she also seemed to have some sense of self. Her personality when I met her and the 3 years prior to dating was the same as when we dated. She liked to dress me a certain way, pick restaurants, etc. We also, probably not coincidentally, had a lot of things in common and she often repeated things I would say just moments after I said them.

I didn't see the mask come off during the relationship because she didn't rage outwardly. The last weeks of the relationship she sporadically started doing things totally out of her character (what I knew of her).  She started to become cold and indifferent at times too. Someone I didn't know. She was very dysregulated because I had been trying to leave her for a month and told her point blank it was just a matter of time since I caught her cheating.

Question is... . if they don't have a true sense of self then what does it mean when "the mask came off?"  Is this really who they are or is it a function of their dysregulation?  I know she acts different to other people but we all do that to a degree.

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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2014, 08:51:34 PM »

To me, personally, 'the mask' is the persona they adopt when luring, grooming & securing us!

You know the one! The persona that is so wrapped up in us, likes everything about us, is so pleased to have found their soulmate etc etc etc. Basically that character they portray themselves as while they secure our undivided attention to them, and 'our' relationship!

The mask slipping... . my interpretation of that... . Is when they slowly start picking at us, the put downs start, the exhibiting mistrust.  

The mask coming off... . That to me is when the raging happens. The outrageous accusations/projections. The generally full blown acting out that has us wondering what the hell is happening & where our lover has gone!

That's my interpretation of mask on, slipping, and off!

Moonie
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2014, 08:56:28 PM »

So it is not truly who they are when the mask comes but a function of the dysregulation?  It's just so strange sleeping with someone for 3 years and not knowing who she really was.
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2014, 09:03:06 PM »

Yes the mask coming off doesn't reveal who they really are I suppose?

'The mask' covers up their disorder. The mask covers their mental illness.

When the mask's off we're left dealing with NOT so kind, giving (love bombing), faithful person we thought we met!

The mask is gone & we're left dealing with the full exposure of a seriously disordered partner, and all the subsequent damage that comes with that exposure!

 
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« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2014, 09:36:24 PM »

You DID know who she was. But only to a certain extent! And less than you realised at the time!

For example... . My ex did have consistencies, or continuity, that absolutely was not mirroring.

She liked swimming & did it regularly, I hate it.

She knew what clothes she liked, food tastes she liked or didn't like.

She liked a particular tv show that I have no interest in.

She had interests in subjects that don't really float my boat. And there were other interests that we both liked.

She liked a lot of the music I like (and introduced her to), but she still had her own like for 80's pop & modern folk. (Neither if these interest me too much).

I was mirrored as per the BPD model. But the mirroring was punctuated with likes, dislikes of her own. Independently formed by her own personality.


So she does have 'some' sense of self. She has formed some likes & dislikes independent of relationships & mirroring. She does have her own personality, but possibly more shallow than ours?

I'd argue that the claim they have 'no sense of self' is wrong. They do have one, but maybe incomplete? It's not emotionally developed & stable. The instability & emotional underdevelopment making it incredibly hard to cope with interacting.

I'm not an expert & someone may come along & explain better. But you did know who you were sleeping with. Just not 100%! Because a certain percentage (variable between each pwBPD) is borrowed, from the partner they seek completion from. And while in your bed, that was you!

So don't worry, only you & her were there. But you had sex with a forever unknown percentage of her, and some of yourself!

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« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2014, 09:49:16 PM »

To me, the mask is who you thought they were. A BPDer is often considered a chameleon, mirroring their surroundings like the chameleon does. That is probably a result of their unstable sense of self. Since mirroring is a natural thing most people do subconsciously, a borderline who already has an unstable identity is a strong mirror. We all want to be accepted and loved, what better way than to turn into what they think other people want?

She desperately needed you, to attach to you to make herself whole. What better way than the mask that is a mirror reflecting back all the things about yourself that you most desire?

Mirroring somebody that intently has to be a lot of work. And she probably was always feeling fake and dreading you finding her out.
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« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2014, 10:16:43 PM »

Mirroring somebody that intently has to be a lot of work. And she probably was always feeling fake and dreading you finding her out.

I saw that dread, right in my face!

We had been together for two years, when I bought a classic car magazine home one night. She was cooking while I sat at the kitchen table perusing the mag. She asked me what it was & I told her.

She turned & looked at me with total & absolute fear written all over face, and said "I didn't know you were interested in classic cars!" .

She was visibly shaken by this slipping past her & seemed to suddenly be in a battle to hold it together cooking while overwhelmed with worry she'd missed this!

It was absolutely bizarre, especially as two years in, the hardcore mirroring phase was long past!

Needless to say, few days later she turned up at home with tickets to a big classic car show & started commenting on every classic we saw after that!
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« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2014, 11:50:05 PM »

It's the mask that's used to lure, and the mask that's used to harm. I saw my ex have looks on her face, while raging, where she didn't look like she wanted to be doing it but had to be doing it. She wasn't in control. She was aware of it. She went along with it, it was a power trip, she was disordered, or whatever. I knew about BPD by then. I was in therapy taking off my own masks. The mask I fell in love with, I wish someone else could wear it, but it doesn't work that way. The less of that the better.
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2014, 12:47:17 AM »

I know mine better than anyone ever will. 6 years, two kids, shell never match that level of intimacy again. I know the "real" her, at least what she wants to be. To paraphrase, Ironmamfalls, her "baseline." She stopped mirroring me, and her strong cultural family ties, and mirrored a disrodered kid to attach. Dysphoria for three months. What is the "real" her? I found an email she sent her paramour. Told her she loves him, already! Same phrases she used with me. Sick. Its a script they use to attach. There is no "real" them. Just the emptiness at their core. I, like you in such a LTR perhaps saw the most of them, I don't know... .
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2014, 01:30:24 AM »

The mask is what you see before trigger day. The mask that views you as a good person. Loving. Kind. You are spoken to as a human being. Then there is the other mask. The one that lies right underneath that first mask, that is revealed in dramatic fashion, post trigger day. In devaluation. That mask views you as horrible. Flawed. Unlovable. Vile. Disgusting. Contempt. Scorn. And that mask, has a unique but disturbing quality. Only the person closest to the pwBPD gets to see that very mask. See, the other people around the pwBPD, still see the original mask that you saw, albeit, a more generic version of it. A mask that exudes fake confidence. And smiles. Just enough, for those people, so that they do not see or even suspect that another mask, lies just beneath the surface. What a terrible disorder.
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2014, 02:13:06 AM »

Only the person closest to the pwBPD gets to see that very mask. See, the other people around the pwBPD, still see the original mask that you saw, albeit, a more generic version of it. A mask that exudes fake confidence. And smiles. Just enough, for those people, so that they do not see or even suspect that another mask, lies just beneath the surface. What a terrible disorder.

I agree with Ironman here... . only those of us who get to be the close people to the BPD get to see their "real" self, or other mask. She seemed to sharpen her exterior victim, sweet face with others (common friends especially) during the smear campaing/vilification campaign against me post BU, she made a superb effort to look "so sweet and such a victim of me"... .
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2014, 02:31:33 AM »

I view the mask of my ex, as mirroring traits and likes of me. He filled himself with my valeus, my morale, my taste in movies and music, my style of loving.

The real person he was, was the one that come out while "acting out".

After the BU, I saw so clearly how I was mirrored during the r/s and that basicly I have had a r/s with myself. Yuk! I dont want a romantic and sexual relationship with myself! I think here lies the relationship with narcisitic traits of ourself in combination with the BPD person. It is almost like you are forced into narcism because the maks you see, refelcts traits of yourself.

It scared me to see this so clearly, and to realise that he never was really there.

Now after the breakup he takes on another mask, while trying to get close to my best female friend, and she is buying it. She believes in the mask he puts up for her. He is now mirroring her.

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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2014, 03:11:04 AM »

My ex wore 2 masks, one was literal and the other physical.

In terms of appearance, too much make-up, false eye-lashes, false nails, false breasts, false hair (colour and extensions) and a whole host of other falses in appearance. Most girls get dressed up to impress or for a night out but for her, this was a permanent state for the first couple of months. You were not allowed to see her without her make-up on and even her photos on FB were "airbrushed" to give that appearance.

The first time she ended things was because she was in crisis mode and I went round. Her comments about that I wasn't meant to see her like that not just referred to her rage at the time but also seeing her without all the false extras.

The second mask was the mirroring, sadly though this was too obvious in her case and something she didn't do all that well. You could see it was causing her anxiety because there were things about me she couldn't mirror, my values and morals. It was these things that angered her and that she tried to get me to change to her way of thinking.

The biggest one being that I could have a good relationship with my childrens mother. She tried so hard to convince me that my ex was the enemy and that I should hate her. Her default was always that she would say she wasn't good enough for me, or that she was sure I would hate her or wonder why I was with her. She devalued herself a lot and then that would manifest into outward rage.

I didn't mind too much the mirroring on interests and told myself that even if she didn't like that sort of thing, doing it might open her mind to new experiences, but I didn't allow her to mirror me in other ways and that just created more anxiety for her exposing that mask too.
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2014, 05:43:26 AM »

The mask is a strange concept as my ex has a strong sense of self - his likes of specific things (guns, self defense) do not change no matter who he is with.  But I could always tell when he was talking to someone new because other things would change, like style of clothes or music.  I don't mean just finding some new pair of jeans or whatever, but specific stuff that we'd made fun of many times!  That he claimed to hate.  He then buys and acts like he likes it?  But I know my ex's true mask is that of the "good guy".  He has massive anger and he doesn't hold it in all the time.  The people who report to him at work know this.  He doesn't rage there like he has done to me in private, but he has a hard time not fully keeping that anger in check. 

Last year he met some girl online and began dating right when my dad died.  Zero concept of empathy yet that "good guy" mask was FULLY in place.  That was the guy I'd met.  It didn't last long.  Of course because he was such a "good guy" he was "still there for me" - in his own head.  That mask slipped when that r/s didn't work out about a month later and was even still not back on, at least not to me, until I found out he's suddenly in another r/s.  Lying about it to me for at least 2 months - even on the day someone else informed me he was lying about it.  But now that he was busted.  He's morphed back into "good guy".  He needs to be away from ME the unhealthy one.  Oh without a doubt I'm so unhealthy at this point from these trauma bonds.  But that he can put that mask back on and try and use it with ME. 

Actually that makes me wonder - he puts it on AND off with me.  I was also the target of his rage again yesterday - his work day was stressful.  I was blamed for destroying his life as usual at work because he insists I've flirted with every man in the dept.  Do they do this with anyone else?  Put on and take off the mask?

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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2014, 05:53:51 AM »

My husband kept his mask for the 11 years and since I found out about his issues it wasn't necessary to keep his mask. I can remember when I begged him to attend therapy and even I was very worried and emotional, he looked at me like I'm the carzy one. It does make sense because everything they do is precalculated!
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« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2014, 06:22:53 AM »

Could it be, that it is a bit over the top to talk about masks?

I child also mirrors it's parents, does the child wear a mask?

Could it be that we saw, mostly, the happy child during the relationship (of course the unreasonable child  now and then too). Now that the relationship is over, we face the "evil child" perhaps?

Personally, I would rather think about it like that. Because, I don't want to demonize her, in order for myself to heal.
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« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2014, 06:30:12 AM »

I know mine better than anyone ever will. 6 years, two kids, shell never match that level of intimacy again. I know the "real" her, at least what she wants to be. To paraphrase, Ironmamfalls, her "baseline." She stopped mirroring me, and her strong cultural family ties, and mirrored a disrodered kid to attach. Dysphoria for three months. What is the "real" her? I found an email she sent her paramour. Told her she loves him, already! Same phrases she used with me. Sick. Its a script they use to attach. There is no "real" them. Just the emptiness at their core. I, like you in such a LTR perhaps saw the most of them, I don't know... .

Wow. So sad for her and you.
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Waifed
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« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2014, 06:35:27 AM »

The mask is what you see before trigger day. The mask that views you as a good person. Loving. Kind. You are spoken to as a human being. Then there is the other mask. The one that lies right underneath that first mask, that is revealed in dramatic fashion, post trigger day. In devaluation. That mask views you as horrible. Flawed. Unlovable. Vile. Disgusting. Contempt. Scorn. And that mask, has a unique but disturbing quality. Only the person closest to the pwBPD gets to see that very mask. See, the other people around the pwBPD, still see the original mask that you saw, albeit, a more generic version of it. A mask that exudes fake confidence. And smiles. Just enough, for those people, so that they do not see or even suspect that another mask, lies just beneath the surface. What a terrible disorder.

Does this mean that those of us who are CoD also wear a mask of self confidence, caregiver, etc. that comes off at times when we are stressed?  I know I get raging mad on occasion. This concept is so hard for me to comprehend and is probably the most damaging to me since it implies that I really lived a TOTAL lie for 3 years.
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« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2014, 06:46:11 AM »

I don't know about you Waifed, but I too kind of wonder about the mask.  Mine doesn't hide his anger.  He is known to have a horrible temper.  But no one else has any idea of the extent of manipulation and emotional abuse that he is capable of inflicting.  That part is hidden from new partners and everyone else. 

I think we all wear masks to some extent.  I wear one at work for the role I play there (ie my job - but I can't tell even my close employees that I'm being severely emotionally and psychologically abused when they ask what is going on with me.)  I wear one for my daughter - to hide my severe pain. 

So I am not certain about the whole mask concept even though I see my ex doing it right now with the new girlfriend.  But is he any different in putting forward his best self as we would all do in a new r/s?

Is he supposed to go in saying, hey when you really piss me off for absolutely nothing, I will tear you to shreds and leave you broken on the floor - you might want to make sure your 2 year old isn't around for that because I won't care? 

Sorry.  I'm confusing myself today.
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« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2014, 07:02:51 AM »

I'd like to point out that most people with BPD like a lot of things. Sense of self has nothing to do with liking anything. Sense of self is things like compassion, esteem, belief systems, empathy, love, honesty, hatred and most importantly your views about your inherent traits. Personality traits, NOT things you pretend to be or things you like.
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« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2014, 07:35:05 AM »

I'd like to point out that most people with BPD like a lot of things. Sense of self has nothing to do with liking anything. Sense of self is things like compassion, esteem, belief systems, empathy, love, honesty, hatred and most importantly your views about your inherent traits. Personality traits, NOT things you pretend to be or things you like.

Take 2 - I do agree that they are just like "nons" on steroids.

Superior

OK, this makes more sense to me now.  My ex showed an inconsistent yet total change in these things (mainly compassion and beliefs) the last month of the relationship after I nailed her for cheating.  At one point I actually said to her "Who are you?, I don't know you".  It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced in my life.  I knew it was time for me to bail.

If her sense of self was from mirroring a new partner that last month then he is one sorry MF!  
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« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2014, 08:35:00 AM »

Waifed, yeah well I think they probably want to be a lot better than they are. But just like anyone who has emotional needs that are severely neglected, or warped by abuse... . they are forced to do things they don't feel good about. And if you're stuck being a slave to yourself always, you can't develop a sense of self. Me right now, I'm just redeveloping my own. I gained a sense of nihilism, apathy and confusion, anxiety, depression, etc from the pain the relationship had caused me.
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« Reply #22 on: January 29, 2014, 12:14:44 PM »

The mask is what you see before trigger day. The mask that views you as a good person. Loving. Kind. You are spoken to as a human being. Then there is the other mask. The one that lies right underneath that first mask, that is revealed in dramatic fashion, post trigger day. In devaluation. That mask views you as horrible. Flawed. Unlovable. Vile. Disgusting. Contempt. Scorn. And that mask, has a unique but disturbing quality. Only the person closest to the pwBPD gets to see that very mask. See, the other people around the pwBPD, still see the original mask that you saw, albeit, a more generic version of it. A mask that exudes fake confidence. And smiles. Just enough, for those people, so that they do not see or even suspect that another mask, lies just beneath the surface. What a terrible disorder.

Does this mean that those of us who are CoD also wear a mask of self confidence, caregiver, etc. that comes off at times when we are stressed?  I know I get raging mad on occasion. This concept is so hard for me to comprehend and is probably the most damaging to me since it implies that I really lived a TOTAL lie for 3 years.

No Waifed. The mask is the representation of the 2 different personalities presented before and after trigger day. Everyone else presents a consistent face to friends, lovers, family, etc. One personality. Not multiple.
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« Reply #23 on: January 29, 2014, 01:37:10 PM »

I'd like to point out that most people with BPD like a lot of things. Sense of self has nothing to do with liking anything. Sense of self is things like compassion, esteem, belief systems, empathy, love, honesty, hatred and most importantly your views about your inherent traits. Personality traits, NOT things you pretend to be or things you like.

This is helpful for me too.  It's just so nauseating to see his "Im such a good guy" mask on as he mirrors someone new.

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« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2014, 01:51:27 PM »

Does this mean that those of us who are CoD also wear a mask of self confidence, caregiver, etc. that comes off at times when we are stressed?  I know I get raging mad on occasion. This concept is so hard for me to comprehend and is probably the most damaging to me since it implies that I really lived a TOTAL lie for 3 years.

No Waifed. The mask is the representation of the 2 different personalities presented before and after trigger day. Everyone else presents a consistent face to friends, lovers, family, etc. One personality. Not multiple.

i could say, in fact did say (to my T, for example), this about myself after the explosion: "you see me as i am." but her alteration from the person in the daily life we had to the lunatic of narcissism after she ran away left me stunned.
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« Reply #25 on: January 29, 2014, 02:03:47 PM »

My pwBPD... certainly acted... guess you could call it a mask. She acted a certain way when she thought anyone from her work or family might be around... . basically overly sweet/pious and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She was slightly agitated most the time when not acting nice... and scary as hell when hating... pure hatred/anger with no brakes, nothing holding her back.

Any group of people she was around she started acting like... . was embarrassing.

The thing that struck me as most odd, was when she would try to write a formal letter... . it would come out so laughably weird... used words and phrases in oddest way. It is like she was out of her element and didn't know how she was "supposed" to write so she was winging it... and failing terribly. Normal people... concentrate on getting their point across with whatever language skills they have... but she was using words like she was playing "dress up"... . don't know how else to put it... still seems odd to me.

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« Reply #26 on: January 29, 2014, 02:44:36 PM »

Does this mean that those of us who are CoD also wear a mask of self confidence, caregiver, etc. that comes off at times when we are stressed?  I know I get raging mad on occasion. This concept is so hard for me to comprehend and is probably the most damaging to me since it implies that I really lived a TOTAL lie for 3 years.

No Waifed. The mask is the representation of the 2 different personalities presented before and after trigger day. Everyone else presents a consistent face to friends, lovers, family, etc. One personality. Not multiple.

i could say, in fact did say (to my T, for example), this about myself after the explosion: "you see me as i am." but her alteration from the person in the daily life we had to the lunatic of narcissism after she ran away left me stunned.

It is the duality that we experience that is so damaging. I know how you feel Maxen. It is traumatic.
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« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2014, 02:51:20 PM »

My pwBPD... certainly acted... guess you could call it a mask. She acted a certain way when she thought anyone from her work or family might be around... . basically overly sweet/pious and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She was slightly agitated most the time when not acting nice... and scary as hell when hating... pure hatred/anger with no brakes, nothing holding her back.

Any group of people she was around she started acting like... . was embarrassing.

The thing that struck me as most odd, was when she would try to write a formal letter... . it would come out so laughably weird... used words and phrases in oddest way. It is like she was out of her element and didn't know how she was "supposed" to write so she was winging it... and failing terribly. Normal people... concentrate on getting their point across with whatever language skills they have... but she was using words like she was playing "dress up"... . don't know how else to put it... still seems odd to me.

Yes!

Mine always had to get me to help her write any letters. She too really struggled with this. And very much so if she didn't physically know the recipient of the letter! Like she couldn't morph into who she needed to be if working with only pen & paper, and it stumped her communication ability!
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« Reply #28 on: January 29, 2014, 03:09:02 PM »

My pwBPD... certainly acted... guess you could call it a mask. She acted a certain way when she thought anyone from her work or family might be around... . basically overly sweet/pious and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She was slightly agitated most the time when not acting nice... and scary as hell when hating... pure hatred/anger with no brakes, nothing holding her back.

Any group of people she was around she started acting like... . was embarrassing.

The thing that struck me as most odd, was when she would try to write a formal letter... . it would come out so laughably weird... used words and phrases in oddest way. It is like she was out of her element and didn't know how she was "supposed" to write so she was winging it... and failing terribly. Normal people... concentrate on getting their point across with whatever language skills they have... but she was using words like she was playing "dress up"... . don't know how else to put it... still seems odd to me.

Yes Charred

This is so true about my x, under stress of being with new people she would be over zealous about everything almost hyperactive outbursts, when she got any tiny positive reaction. ' let's exchange numbers and hang out all the time ' it was embarrassing seeing the other peoples stifled reactions. I still am amazed how she went on about all her 'friends' and I learnt after she had... . 1. She has already burned her new 'friends'.

Her Facebook page is still surrounded by my music likes, my books, my films etc. Literally my stuff. Her main image still our dog that i had to be put down. I think she is still wearing the mask she had with me. She was so different when I met her, she is channelling me still. Wow it feels like identity theft. Dress sense mine, stories mine... . oh Lord!

The last part about formal letters is weirdly true.

Jumbled phrases, cliches, odd jumps in ideas, patchwork,all adding up to an odd troubled feeling about the person writing it. I had to rewrite them.

That's a new revelation Charred!

I find it so odd now when I think of her 'relationships'. Such a lack of genuine connection to anyone! I can picture her face when looking at peoples facial reactions... . her face was ... . searching... . questioning... . unsure?

My word, a total lack of knowledge about who people are, or feeling. totally lost emotionally in the exchange.

Is this why she only felt on solid ground with flirting, titilation, sexual innuendos, made herself very sexually provocative to others? The only reaction she could recognise, Her only sure signal of communication and connected approval!

Wow I can really feel how lost she felt at all times. Until drunk and then loud and couldn't care at all.

The up and down emotions really destroys empathy I guess, what 'measurement' can be made if everything is shifting around, what to compare 'it' to.

The mask I think is about looking some kind of 'normal' and doesn't have a core feeling or inner life to it. Nothing solid that can survive. No internal source.

My x got really into burlesque, which really is the ultimate sexual pantomime fantasy. It is an act. A musical tribute act to some great original.

When I think of the sex we had, it was so staged. 'Porno' style sex as people say, no emotional content. A dance.

I was stunned at the mask dropping, she had no words that made sense just cliches. I wore sunglasses (it was sunny) and remained silent. She could hardly talk or even get the few words she said out. Finally she tried to rage and provoke me into hitting her. I just left.


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« Reply #29 on: January 29, 2014, 03:41:06 PM »

Cliches indeed... . my exBPDgf made loud claims about her politics all the time, and when I would try to engage her in discussion, it was clear she had no depth to anything... it was all phrases she heard and parroted back... . there was no understanding of it. She didn't want to know and understand things... . she wanted to be perceived as knowing and understanding.

I had to rewrite letters for her... but in her field or anywhere she knew what people expected... she acted normal and people just thought she was passionate and artistic... few clearly noticed the disorder... . but anyone around her close for very long, was sure to notice and get kicked out of her life.

I agree about the lack of understanding other people at all... it was like she was an alien trying to wing everything... no real empathy/understanding.
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« Reply #30 on: January 29, 2014, 05:42:35 PM »

Excerpt
The thing that struck me as most odd, was when she would try to write a formal letter... .

WOW. What a revelation to me! Smiling (click to insert in post) You see, when I met my ex, I had just moved to her country and didn't speak her language. She always helped my write formal letters. She would struggle for hours writing something like a simple e-mail to my landlord, that something in my apartment was broken. Something I would have jotted in 5 min in English or my native language. At the time I thought "gosh, this is really a complicated language!".

Just now, I found two letters she wrote on my computer years ago! One after her apartment was destroyed, due to a fault in a chimney, leaving the entire apartment and all her things cover in soot deposit (that was by the way what made us move together). The other is a complain about her mobile phone being disconnect because she didn't pay the bill. Yes, you read it right - SHE complained and faulted them for HER not paying her bill!  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Now I speak the language quite well, and I am perfectly capable of writing an imperfect formal letter. And the wording that she uses is outright strange. Also, the tone is bizarre, considering in both cases she want to achieve something, yet the tone is hostile and aggressive.

Thank you for this insight! I think that moved me from 90% certainty that she is indeed uBPD to 99%.

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« Reply #31 on: January 29, 2014, 06:26:30 PM »

The mask is what you see before trigger day. The mask that views you as a good person. Loving. Kind. You are spoken to as a human being. Then there is the other mask. The one that lies right underneath that first mask, that is revealed in dramatic fashion, post trigger day. In devaluation. That mask views you as horrible. Flawed. Unlovable. Vile. Disgusting. Contempt. Scorn. And that mask, has a unique but disturbing quality. Only the person closest to the pwBPD gets to see that very mask. See, the other people around the pwBPD, still see the original mask that you saw, albeit, a more generic version of it. A mask that exudes fake confidence. And smiles. Just enough, for those people, so that they do not see or even suspect that another mask, lies just beneath the surface. What a terrible disorder.

Does this mean that those of us who are CoD also wear a mask of self confidence, caregiver, etc. that comes off at times when we are stressed?  I know I get raging mad on occasion. This concept is so hard for me to comprehend and is probably the most damaging to me since it implies that I really lived a TOTAL lie for 3 years.

No Waifed. The mask is the representation of the 2 different personalities presented before and after trigger day. Everyone else presents a consistent face to friends, lovers, family, etc. One personality. Not multiple.

Hi Ironman,

I'm not sure what you mean, my take is the mask is a complete well developed false front pseudo personality. Underneath is all the reality of the lost person and the disorder. Some things she keeps from previous attempts at faking it, that are still valid.

Pre and post trigger? Aren't they just survival modes.

I like your new look

Mirroring is being the other person. But new things cause stress and they use previous modes ho cope?

I'm not sure
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