ex BPD says i am so severely ill

[growing_wings]

hi folks,


according to the BPD... .   i am very very mentally ill... . so severely

after weeks of NC... i keep getting these messages. i got the urge to reply and say, i am not!... . but i managed to resist.

is this another way to get me to respond? or just to hurt me again?

what else will she throw at me?

[Dog biscuit]

Dont take the bait growing wings!

It is hard not to defend yourself, but it will lead you nowhere. How can you win a discussion about who is the "sick"one? It wouldnt change a thing... . it will only hurt you further and suck you in again.

Hang in there! Let it go, you can block all communication you know?

[Dog biscuit]

Maybe it would go something like this:


You: "No, I am not the ill one!"

BPD: "Yeah, you are! You did this and this to me! See how sick that is? And btw I cheated on you the whole time because you are so ill."

You:  :'(

[growing_wings]

Biscuit, you are fun!. you are right , it would be soo silly of me to argue with a BPD who is crazier haha... .

indeed... they use all the tools they can.

[Murbay]

Hi growing_wings,

I'm really sorry to hear how your ex is treating you right now  

I can imagine how frustrating and difficult it is for you not to rise to the bait. That is what it is, a projection of their own disordered thinking being put on you and you shouldn't have to accept it.

The best way to respond is by not responding and continue down your path to healing.

What they are basically saying to you right now is "I am mentally ill and I can't accept these feelings. So I'm going to pass them on to you so that you can feel the same way I do"

Believe me, a year NC with my exBPDw and I still get those emails each month. Where as I used to respond to it when we were married, it only served to justify and validate her. I haven't responded for a year and now I see her disordered thinking much more clearly. It's like a tragic comedy at times, the abuse followed by the "please respond to me because I NEED someone to validate me"

What your ex is saying is not about you but about them. There is nothing you can do to help them and the only person who can is themselves. Responding will only validate them and lets them know in future, if they need that validation how to get it from you. It's not about you and it never has been, you are just someone they can project their negative thoughts and feelings on to to make them feel better.

Stay strong, don't respond and keep healing. You will get better and stronger as time goes on  

[Changingman]

Bait, provoke, manipulate, project, get bored move on to another supply.

Bait, provoke, manipulate, project, get bored move on to another supply.

Bait, provoke, manipulate, project, get bored move on to another supply.

Remember, highly charged drama, madness, wounding pain

Get well soon

Changing

[growing_wings]

thank you Murbay... . makes sense...

CM... . what you write below makes sense:

Bait: Nice text (i reply with a thank you - that is all)

Provoke: Following text(s) are nasty, but with a hint of "I am sorry you are... . ", they seek to provoke indeed... . (at this stage i dont engage, i dont reply, as i know i will open the door ... . )

Manipulation follows... .

Bait then provoke

as the others say, as hard as it is to resist the urge to defend myself... . i will not. These folks are a true test to our will power

[Free2Bee]

I think if we did an informal poll here, you'd discover that each and every one of this on this forum have been accused of being 'mental'. My ex hurled this accusation regularly, in response to completely normal behaviour. I know how frustrating it is - the urge to defend one's self if very strong. But everyone is right: it's a provocation and it's best not to respond.

I don't think you're crazy. 

And if we *are* ALL crazy, at least we're crazy together! !

[love4meNOTu]

Oh lordy yes... .

Mine called me delusional. Of course he spelled delusional incorrectly.

He's an idiot. I don't let disordered people tell me what I am.

L

[tiredndown]

according to the BPD... .   i am very very mentally ill... . so severely

Well they almost got it right. It should have read

If you stayed with me you would be very very mentally ill... . so severely... .

[Dutched]

Join the club   

According to “them” we all are crazy   

I was:

Idiot

“you have a problem, do something about it!”

Crazy

Mentally ill (until I was diagnosed by my T as I was quenched(?), drained), didn’t work after my T

Later I was “dull”, just dull…

Let’s say:

What is normal for the spider,  is chaos for a fly tangled in the spiders web.

They are a fly in a normal world? 

[Tausk]

What if you saw a severely mentally-ill homeless man and successful business man argue on the street, with the topic of the argument whether the color of the sky was blue or orange.  And what if you saw the homeless man and the guy argue day after day, continuously for weeks, and months and even years. 

And sometimes they would agree that the sky was blue and kiss and hug and drink coffee together.  And sometimes the homeless man would swear the sky was orange, but the business man would argue, and they would fight and throw beer bottles at each other. 

Moreover, on a day-to-day basis the homeless man would not know what exactly he would see in the sky, and couldn't remember what he saw yesterday, and sometimes that color of the sky would change in mid-sentence.  And the homeless man would absolutely believe that what he saw at that moment of time was the truth and always had been the truth.

And you witness this interaction between the two over and over and over again, perhaps even over the course of both people's lifetime.

And if you also knew that the emotional and spiritual well-being of both people was dependent upon agreement by the two people about the color of the sky.

Would you claim that both people are mentally healthy?

[MrFox]

According to my exBPDgf I am a sociopathic, sexual predator.  My Crime?  Calling her on being a liar, a manipulator, and a cheater.

[santa]

Sounds like projection to me. She's just putting all of her baggage onto you. Obviously you aren't those things.

[ugghh]

Maintain radio silence. 

[growing_wings]

thank you all guys. you are all right... . projections projection. I like the analogy with the homeless & business man...

radio silence ...

we all have been there ... we all have received their projections day in and day out... .

[willbegood]

Maybe it would go something like this:


You: "No, I am not the ill one!"

BPD: "Yeah, you are! You did this and this to me! See how sick that is? And btw I cheated on you the whole time because you are so ill."

You:  :'(

ROTFLMAO! Aint that the truth!

[Ceide]

Wow, finally seeing some of the crazy things he said to me as his projections. 

Projections are crazy-making, if I let them be. 

[growing_wings]

Wow, finally seeing some of the crazy things he said to me as his projections. 

Projections are crazy-making, if I let them be. 

HI Ceide, yes, you are right. Projections are crazy-making... the dangerous thing about them, is that when we are in the FOG, it is relatively easy to believe them... . it happened to me.

dont allow them to be. they are not truth. I actually learnt a lot from her intentions, feelings and behaviours thru her projections, that internalization happened after the dense FOG started lifting.

[seeking balance]

Maybe it would go something like this:

You: "No, I am not the ill one!"

BPD: "Yeah, you are! You did this and this to me! See how sick that is? And btw I cheated on you the whole time because you are so ill."

You:  :'(

I wish I could say this didn't ACTUALLY happen to me - I literally got the email, I cheated on you because I was surviving an abusive marriage... . the thing is, they believe this to be true and they are the victims.

No words will change a brain that rewires facts to match their feelings - it truly works that way when dysregulated.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I haven't been on bpdfamily for long and usually post down in the coping with a family member page. Seeing a man I've known for years as our sons were in Scouts together. For two years, right after he lost his son to suicide, we've been together alot, my divorce being finalized exactly a year ago Feb 1.

I am 51. He is almost 61. Longterm abandonment as a baby and child, in spite of his smarts and humor and frequent kindnesses, means that when he is stressed, I am the bludgeoning target. Verbally. Emotionally. With my own history of a uBPD mother, for 2 yrs I have attempted to chill, back off, you all know what I'm trying to say - cope with it and still see him spend time with him.

Last night's blowout was because I mentioned that the news story about the actor who died from heroin mentioned it can hit you harder after a rehab stint. He didnt' say anything, just ate his pizza, then finished and lay down on couch and relaxed I THOUGHT. I was talking about some other stuff getting the plates away... . and the next thing I knwo he is putting on his boots, out the door, ranting about not wanting to hear about some damned actor etc etc

My jaw on the floor made it hard to ask, But how was I supposed to know to just drop it? He had no answer for that, told me I brought it on myself by mentioning it.

This morning when he called, he told me that I was already upset (some family stuff had come in boxes and STUPIDLY I'd asked him to come down just to sort of be there while I unpacked my late mother's stuff on porch) that if he'd said, Hey can we change the subject (he has so many times and I back off when I realize it's triggering anything at all about his son, who wouldn't), if he'd asked me to change the topic, I would've just bhitedabout that too.

This morning he said, and I think my jaw is permanently ruined, "I can help you get over these issues you have so much like your mother, where you just go on and on."

A man who drives people away wiht his argumentative hurtful rants, on his bad days, gets sick and people don't check on him because he's burned so many bridges, but HE is going to help ME learn how to communicate.

I couldn't help but ask and I was crying by then because you can't help who you love even when TOXIC is written all over the dynamics, I asked, YOu have the skills to help me learn to not talk about something when you don't want me to?"

Yes.

I hung up.

I threw on clothes left house ran errands cried.

Found out I owe x much more taxes than last year due to ex's paying car and health insurance, that's cool but wow the actual number... .

According to my good friend the dirt farmer, I have communication issues... . even though with the first slice of pizza he had said, "I wish you could see and know how nice you are to people, you are TOO nice they walk all over you."

Within 20 min's he was furious and leaving.

Whiplash with the insane speed he changes his stance on who and what I am to him.

So... . just like with my mother, who and what is he to ME?

That was the self-talk yet again maybe for the last time because he has never made that ":)ysregulation" so obvious with such smug "You just need help and I'm the one to do it" garbage.

This thread caught my eye after the "Leaving Detaching" name of it reminded me it was here. I didn't even check it out in the throes of divorcing my children's dad!

2 years ago I wish someone had beat me with the stupid stick trying to squish in a relationship with this man - friends yes, fine... . but then you get hooked on his funny side, his eccentricities that are endearing on their own, and hurt over and over and over.

Funny that the rehab comment and then the overdose (and I am very sorry about this man's demise, please know that) really applies to me as well. I gotta break the habit with this guy. Every last good friend who's like my family has told me that for 2 yrs.

I think he might've ripped the blinders off but good last night. And this morning. Dr Dirt Farmer indeed.

Thanks for letting me rant. I *so* needed this thread. peace out

[Littleopener]

I keep having to remind myself that these are projections. That he is the ill one. It is so difficult though and there are times when I lapse into believing it all again because he says it with such formality and it's so easy to believe.

[ts919]

I've heard soo many times over the past two years about what a "selfish ___hole" I am, how I'm a "narcissist", I'm self absorbed... .

We just went to MC a few weeks ago (her latest attempt to get me to call off the divorce) and over two sessions filled with her making these claims about me, she couldn't provide ONE valid example of me being any of those things.  The best she came up with was that I played in a band... . and that is why I am a selfish jerk.  Had anyone recorded the sessions and listened back, what they would really hear is a very selfish, self centered person projecting all of this onto someone else... . irony. 

The T had a great question (it was directed at her but proposed to both of us) that really put it into perspective:

"I have two people in a room claiming that the other is abusive.  My question is, if this is in fact true, then why are you trying to save the marriage?"

My response:  "I'm not.  That is why I'm divorcing her"

Her response: crickets

Reminds me of the Judgement of Solomon story in the Bible - splitting the baby in half.  It was really a genius move on the part of the T. 


My advice:  don't respond.  Minutes after this discussion she was back to ranting about how I'm a narcissist and that everyone that knows me thinks that.  She then stormed out and the T looked at me and said ":)on't believe a word she says... . she is a very sick girl".

Good luck, stay strong... .

[Murbay]

ts919,

That's a perfect example of how to navigate around the disorder and projection and it sounds like you had a good T. They seem to forget that if we know something isn't right, a trained professional will see straight through it too.

It reminds me of a joint session me and exBPDw had with our T. She had tried to convince him that I was a selfish a*hole too and could be very manipulative. I'm certain from both of our body language, T wasn't that convinced. She would lie and do whatever it took in the sessions to try and convince him but there was one occasion in particular that sprung to mind. For once she didn't lie because she was convinced it was all the evidence she needed to throw everything on me.

She raged on a plane and then burst into tears and made out I had started it. Was the most uncomfortable 3 hour flight because I got some nasty stares from some of the other passengers. She did this a lot and used it as validation that she was right and I was the crazy one.

The reason for the rage, because I brought my headphones and she forgot hers. I started to watch a movie and she was not happy because I was being selfish by not sharing so I offered her an earphone so we could share, this was then not good enough and I was still being selfish because I was watching what I wanted to watch and not what she wanted to watch. There was no way I was going to argue over something so trivial because it just wasn't worth it so I gave her the headphones to do whatever she wanted to do and just took out a book. That is what sent her into a rage because I was flaunting my selfishness right in front of her.

As she explained it, T just sat there with his jaw almost on the floor at how blatant she was being. When she finished, he asked me what my thoughts were and my response was that I should have just done as I was told.

A little later, when he became my T, I asked him how when 2 people were saying the same thing, he knew which of us was telling the truth.

His response:

She walked in, said everything was my fault, I was mentally ill and in need "fixing".

I walked in, said everything was my fault, what can I change in me to make things right.

I took responsibility for everything, she took responsibility for nothing.

He asked me again about the incident and what I really thought. My response "She should have brought her own headphones, that was her responsibility and not mine. I didn't have to compromise but I did and I wasn't the one who was selfish"

It's amazing how much projection gets you to question whether you are doing the right thing. She was right about one thing, I was ill but that was because I was carrying her responsibilities and taking ownership of her projections. T said that allowing her to remove herself from my life was perhaps the only selfless act she has ever committed.

[Tausk]

Yes, our exes suffer from a terrible, debilitating, and destructive disorder.  But freedom for me started when I realized my part in the insanity.

Why did I become obsessively attached to a person with almost no: sense of self, empathy, ability to take responsibility, ability to process guilt, and object constancy.  

I learned that it was my mental illness in terms of self talk, schemas, FOO issues... . that led me to lose myself totally into the Disorder.  

My friends who are happily married, saw this fact in me and my ex.  They tried to tell me, and they would have run years before I even realized it was me expecting change from a Disorder over which I had absolutely no control.

Don't know about you, but by the end, yeah ... . I was so severely ill.

Madtown, Looneyville, Crazy City,  El Loco Grande... .

[tiredndown]

Yes, our exes suffer from a terrible, debilitating, and destructive disorder.  But freedom for me started when I realized my part in the insanity.

Y.E.S ! ! ! This year I finally told myself enough is enough. I have control over exactly ONE person and that is ME. I would worry and focus ONLY on me ( and the kids ) this year. Since really saying that to myself and actually DOING it, I can handle her much easier. I simply don't care anymore.