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Free2Bee
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« on: February 04, 2014, 08:36:18 AM »

Guilt.

I feel like I'm handling most aspects of the break-up pretty well, but I'm absolutely wracked with guilt about the way it went down. I know it's very common for relationships with BPDs to end with little or no closure: in mine, she walked out the door angry and gave me the silent treatment for a week before I chose to go 'no contact'.

That was a month ago and here I am. I feel like the Worst Person in the World. I never said goodbye, didn't tell her *why* I was cutting her out of my life (not that I really could have, I guess). The last time we spoke, it was that horrible fight and the last good conversation we had was just 24 hours before that, when we were happily planning the rest of our lives together.

Most days I'm okay, but sometimes it's incomprehensible to me that I'll never talk to her again. I love her so much. How could I do this to someone I love? 

This is so hard... . :'(

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In_n_Out
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 08:48:46 AM »

How?  By realizing that she never loved you the way that you loved her.  By understanding that she sucked your life energy from you so that you could be her full time caretaker and when she was done with you, she slammed the door and walked out and never looked back.  And if/when she does look back, it is only to suck more out of you because she doesn't have anybody else handy to suck the life out of at the moment.  There's nothing for YOU to feel guilty about - do you think that SHE feels guilty about what SHE did to you?  No.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 08:52:45 AM »

Because you had to put yourself first.

It's all about survival. That's what it is for the pwBPD... . They have to attach to another to survive. It feels like death when they are alone with themselves.

I don't know about you, but at the end of my marriage I was a worn out, empty shell of myself. He sucked the life out of me. And he continues on just fine... . sucking the lifeblood out of another victim.

Do you want a life like that? I didn't. I divorced his arse. He's sick and I can't help him.

L
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CoasterRider
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 08:57:07 AM »

do you think that SHE feels guilty about what SHE did to you?  No.

Exactly, do you think she sits at home alone wrecked with guilt for all the things she did wrong to you? More than likely no, it doesnt excuse our responsibility to what we did or said that was mean or wrong. However, she isnt blowing up your phone with apologies, and even if she was they probably wouldnt be genuine.

Look at it this way... . why did you react the way you did? If you arent satisified with it, make yourself a promise you will never do that again in the future. Im disappointed in myself that I said some crappy things and got really angry. I will never allow myself to get angry at someone like that again. In the future if I feel myself getting to that point its going to be a huge red flag to let this person go from my life. They are bringing out a part of me I do not like being.
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growing_wings
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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2014, 09:01:33 AM »

Kai

I relate to you alot... i did the same... and i do feel guilty too. And that is why, perhaps i am keeping minimum contact as opposed to NC... .

the issue, is we cant get closure with them. I want to feel less guilty by telling her why i left her, etc... but this will not work in a dysfunctional relationship, our ex's dont think in the same way we do, they dont feel in the same way either.

We need to regain balance and put ourselves first. Recover, get out of the FOG, and then re-evaluate our feelings of guilt. Are we feeling guilty because of what she told us? she made me feel guilty a lot, did it happen to you too?

I dont have the answer, but i share the same feeling... .
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2014, 09:02:26 AM »

I would like to tell you one thing from my personal experience though... . I'm nine months out from my abusive marriage.

Today, the idea of the man sickens me. I literally feel nauseous.

Him and his little, yellow teeth, yuck.

The guilt? Gone, gone, gone.

L
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Madison66
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« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2014, 09:38:49 AM »

Kai,

I'm sorry you are dealing with such real emotions.  I am nearly 60 days out of a r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years.  The constant emotional abuse/blackmail turned to physical abuse in the end.  I was just worn out and finally found the strength to stop the madness.  In similar fashion to your situation, we had a blowup in the end with her getting physical, me kicking her out of my home and her damaging my property as she left.  We ran into each other a couple weeks later right after Christmas where I tried to have a civil closure conversation with her.  It did not go as I had hoped and I walked away as empty as ever.  Lesson learned!  My T asked me recently what I thought closure would look like and I replied that at least an apology and/or an acknowledgement that she put me through so much crap.  Sadly, she's just not capable of doing this.

As others posted, your ex gf will most likely not get it and you'll end up feeling just as empty or open the door to more pain.  It gets better with more n/c, giving yourself time and space to work through the pain and guilt.  It gets better every day.  I hope you can find some peace and move on with strength!
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tiredndown
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2014, 09:49:59 AM »

Kai,

Yes, it is hard and it SHOULD be hard or else you wouldn't be human. Feel real guilt, feel read sadness, feel all of those things because that is what a real authentic person SHOULD feel. I would be more worried if you didn't feel those things.

I would be will to bet you didn't love or even like 'her' You liked what she tried to make you believe she was.
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Cimbaruns
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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2014, 09:57:30 AM »

Kai

I totally hear you... . why would I do this to someone I love?

Well the truth is you loved who you thought she was and that person ceases to exist in a way.

She mirrored you as we all know and that is the person you should most care about right now.

They will not think twice about turning things around to satisfy what their needs are and at your expense!

The very day mine left she cried and said it "just wasn't working for her".  Who says that in a committed r/s. ... . One who you vowed to be with for potentially the rest of your life... . then in the same breath she asked if she should take her thing now or should I ship them later... . what?

Their emotions run amok... . they suffer and rejoice in the same minute

I know there are days when you feel so empowered to take your life back... . then there are days when you question each and every feeling you carry inside... .

I believe we will never know the answers and spending time to figure it out , takes away from our getting healthy again

I think these boards are amazingly helpful... . and being able to read and reply offers much solace for me and I hope for you as well

Big hugs my friend

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CoasterRider
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« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 09:59:07 AM »

You liked what she tried to make you believe she was.

+1

The truth, and one that is the hardest to remember and accept.
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babyducks
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« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2014, 10:07:14 AM »

Kai,

My relationship ended violently and I ended up in surgery to repair broken bones.  During the recovery period I kept a firm distance.   I was told by the professional people involved that not engaging in the drama, not participating in the conflict was a gift I could give her.  My ex was so disturbed at that point that she appeared frankly pyschotic.   Since I triggered her,  staying away contributed to her mental health.

Ducks
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Tincup
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« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2014, 10:22:17 AM »

I too feel guilt.  One day we were planning a nice long weekend together, and literally the next day she broke up with me without us even talking (just a raging email about something I did 5 years prior before she even knew me).  I don't even know why I feel guilt.  I thought I was out of the FOG after 4 months, but in reality for me the FOG rolls in and out.  I hope to one day be out of the FOG... maybe then woman won't repulse me like they do now (yes I am lumping all women together into one category right now).
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seeking balance
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« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2014, 10:43:01 AM »

Guilt.

I feel like I'm handling most aspects of the break-up pretty well, but I'm absolutely wracked with guilt about the way it went down. I know it's very common for relationships with BPDs to end with little or no closure: in mine, she walked out the door angry and gave me the silent treatment for a week before I chose to go 'no contact'.

That was a month ago and here I am. I feel like the Worst Person in the World. I never said goodbye, didn't tell her *why* I was cutting her out of my life (not that I really could have, I guess). The last time we spoke, it was that horrible fight and the last good conversation we had was just 24 hours before that, when we were happily planning the rest of our lives together.

Most days I'm okay, but sometimes it's incomprehensible to me that I'll never talk to her again. I love her so much. How could I do this to someone I love? 

This is so hard... . :'(

Kai,

She walked out - has she apologized?

Could you have done things better, maybe - but we all do the best we can with what we have at the time (BPD included).  If you owe her a sincere apology, write it out and put it away for now until you are stronger to handle the feedback.

Guilt is an emotion that can be good for us to change our own behavior... . a flag that perhaps we did something wrong and we need to change.  Guilt can also serve to mask pain -the pain of having to let go... .

Guilt led me back into my marriage to "try" harder after I left... . those next 8 months almost destroyed me.  Recognizing guilt... . the roots of it... . is key.

Letting go is hard work and it has only been a month.  Be really, really good to you right now.

Peace,

SB
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Happy1
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« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2014, 11:50:36 AM »

Hi Kai,

Remember you're not a terrible person. You were fighting, like most all fights, because you were not getting YOUR needs met. You broke up with her because, what you needed from her, she was unwilling or more likely unable to give you. No matter how hard you tried, no matter what great things she might have said to make you believe that the two of you were "meant to be together," there was still something about her that was unable to make the relationship bearable for you. As you asked for more things from her, she pushed back because again, she wasn't capable of giving whatever "IT" was to you that you articulated, communicated, or caused her to feel you needed.

On the flip side, I'm sure because of this perceived pressure (not directly from you, but more indirectly from anyone who wants to have a relationship with her) probably caused her to act in ways toward you that were unkind, mean, demeaning, dismissive, etc. Conscience or unconsciously she did these thing TO YOU. As a means of protecting themselves from gaining attractions/attachments and responsibilities that come with it or being perceived as NEEDED, BPDs often times push (as in push/pull) us away. Another important thing to understand is their insatiable need to have their NEEDS met by you and others. Their fear of abandonment and sense of being abandoned combined with what I described previously can cause them to objectify individuals or at times appear numb, callus, lacking empathy, etc. When they're with you, they're just happy that they're not alone and having a feeling of security with someone, maybe even enjoying the sense that they're proving to themselves and playing out a fantasy that they're not "abnormal" or acting like everyone else. Again, the person involved with them can be both overwhelmed and smothered at times, then objectified and pushed away too. All within a matter of minutes.

Cut yourself some slack. Stay NC for you, not for her. It's not mean or cruel to say, "I need space to figure out what's happening and what I want." She'll do just fine without you as her whole life has been about having others give to them so, that they can get along in life.
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coastalfog1
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« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2014, 12:37:04 PM »

I ended my relationship. I feel sad and angry, at her and me. I can go so far as to say, I’m still in love with a monster. But I don’t feel guilty. When I think of my ex I now see a predator. A woman through no or little fault of her own that was built to lure and destroy her prey (in this case me).  The lies, manipulation, and emotional abuse just the ever evolving tools needed for her own survival.  She is incapable of understanding what I feel. I’m not sure if she ever even saw me as a person that had a heart that feels pain and a memory that will last a lifetime. It worries me I don’t feel guilty for ending it. My last words to here were she was selfish and only cared about herself. Not a shinning moment for me. Maybe I’m as bad as her.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2014, 02:24:08 PM »

Oh coastal... don't feel bad. Please.

I told mine that he did not deserve us, and by that, I meant our family. I gave that man everything and he did nothing for us except hurt us financially and emotionally.

I just don't think they understand the pain they create in other's lives with their psychotic behavior.

I can't blame anyone but myself, I'm just glad I got out before he caused all of us more harm.

L
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tiredndown
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« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2014, 02:27:21 PM »

I would submit that you were in love with what you thought she was, or what you thought she could be. The person you loved never existed, it was her faking it. Her 'default' is still a monster.
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CoasterRider
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« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2014, 02:40:01 PM »

I would submit that you were in love with what you thought she was, or what you thought she could be. The person you loved never existed, it was her faking it. Her 'default' is still a monster.

I dont agree, the person existed but more so in their head and in yours, it was what you were looking at in the mirror it was the personae they developed to get you and attach to you. They were genuinely that person as long as their motivations to be that person existed. As soon as the motivation goes away so does the personae and the effort they put into constructing and living it. In the end they resent you for "making" them be someone they werent. You never knew the true them, because they hate the true them. They will never show it to anyone for fear someone will see who they really are and leave them. Because how could anyone love that person?
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Free2Bee
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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2014, 08:47:30 AM »

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories and offering validation. This board rocks!

What CoastalRider wrote resonated with me. I don't believe my ex was being manipulative or dishonest when she said she loved me - at the time she genuinely believed it. Nor am I ready to discredit my own intuition or emotions around the relationship. While I was in it, what I felt was very real.

I know that some of you have suffered through violence and infidelity - but in my case, my ex was never abusive toward me, at least not physically. I'm not ready to call her a 'monster' (unless we're referring to the monster who lives inside her brain, the disorder that causes her so much suffering).

Just to be clear, I'm not even close to breaking NC - I'm holding firm there because I know that I need to take care of myself first and foremost (thanks for all the reminders to do that - it's important and I'm focused on that right now).

And yeah, it's absolutely true that my 'phone hasn't been ringing off the hook with apologies' - she could phone me if she wanted to, my number isn't blocked (though I've been screening my calls). The silence is going both ways, which is a *good* thing, makes NC easier... .

There will be no closure. I get that. I think I'll just be feeling sad about it for awhile. I have this fantasy of accidentally running into her on the street 10 years from now and blurting out "By the way, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU! IT'S OVER! Okay?"

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casper324
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2014, 09:17:43 AM »

I get what you are feeling.  I got a TRO on my STBex after a very nasty rage.  Spoke to him while he was out of the house and he finally agreed that "something" happens to him when he is stressed.  I agreed he could come back and we would work at our relationship. I also told him I would NEVER be treated or spoken to they way he did when he raged.   I full filled my side of a relationship, every day doing/saying something to let him know he was loved, things were going fair.  Then he blew up again, I moved out of the bedroom and lived under the same roof for 2 years.  I never once told him why I moved out of the bed room simply because it was a boundary I set when I allowed him back and was NOT going back on my promise to myself.  Trying to talk to him was impossible.  Now he hates me and is so mean, he's making NC much easier. 

That said, I feel guilty for not talking to him about it but all he would ever do is project, deflect and spin conversations and honestly I am not strong enough to deal with it from him right now. 

I still can't believe I can't have a normal discussion with a man I loved very much, who is the father of my children and who I planned on growing old with, it makes me question half my life. 
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2014, 03:26:47 PM »

I would submit that you were in love with what you thought she was, or what you thought she could be. The person you loved never existed, it was her faking it. Her 'default' is still a monster.

This is a fallacy. Her default is 2 personalities. The one you encountered before she was triggered by emotional closeness/intimacy by you, a pleasant side; and the one you encountered after that trigger day, that other side, equipped with monstrous behavior directed only at the person who triggers them. Which was you, me, all of us here. Both were real. Not just one. A common misconception on here. Both sides that you encountered are not sustainable. So the behavior plays out in a loop, both sides making an appearance and a disappearance, in turns.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2014, 04:02:47 PM »

I get what you are feeling.  I got a TRO on my STBex after a very nasty rage.  Spoke to him while he was out of the house and he finally agreed that "something" happens to him when he is stressed.  I agreed he could come back and we would work at our relationship. I also told him I would NEVER be treated or spoken to they way he did when he raged.   I full filled my side of a relationship, every day doing/saying something to let him know he was loved, things were going fair.  Then he blew up again, I moved out of the bedroom and lived under the same roof for 2 years.  I never once told him why I moved out of the bed room simply because it was a boundary I set when I allowed him back and was NOT going back on my promise to myself.  Trying to talk to him was impossible.  Now he hates me and is so mean, he's making NC much easier. 

That said, I feel guilty for not talking to him about it but all he would ever do is project, deflect and spin conversations and honestly I am not strong enough to deal with it from him right now. 

I still can't believe I can't have a normal discussion with a man I loved very much, who is the father of my children and who I planned on growing old with, it makes me question half my life. 

we are the same casper... . I told him many times that he had to stop raging, I could not take it. It did nothing to stop him when he was on a roll... . he was so terribly mean. My god the things he said when angry... things you can never take back. I was not strong enough to deal with that every month let alone every week. It was becoming more and more frequent, I kept journals of when it happened and why. Every time he was under stress he took it out on me.

I could not have a normal discussion with him, ever. I was too afraid of him. He wouldn't have listened to me anyway.

The time for any discussions is over. I had to divorce him.

L
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Free2Bee
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« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2014, 08:05:18 AM »

we are the same casper... . I told him many times that he had to stop raging, I could not take it. It did nothing to stop him when he was on a roll... . he was so terribly mean. My god the things he said when angry... things you can never take back. I was not strong enough to deal with that every month let alone every week. It was becoming more and more frequent, I kept journals of when it happened and why. Every time he was under stress he took it out on me.

I could not have a normal discussion with him, ever. I was too afraid of him. He wouldn't have listened to me anyway.

The time for any discussions is over. I had to divorce him.

L

WOW, the rages. They were my undoing as well. I could sort of deal with the other stuff. At the time, I didn't know about BPD, but I knew that she reacted poorly to stress. I knew that I couldn't let her get too hungry or tired and if she started to get angry, I had to distract her quick.

But once a rage started, there was no turning back. Sometimes (like the last night we were together) she arrived already in a 'state' and I just had to sit there and wait for the episode to arrive. It was like sitting on a bomb, a horrible feeling.

I miss many things about her and the relationship, but I don't miss that. The rage episodes were the deal-breaker for me too (and some of the terrible things she said will stay in my brain for a long time, I think... . )
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