Fears of buildings or places assoc with BPDex

[DiamondSW]

Hello all,

Just had the day from hell... .   I work in London, the very centre, and today I met a new client in a cafe for a hot chocolate and chance to discuss their requirements.  The client was lovely, so nice, respectful... .   and I could really (I need!) do with the work... .

As we parted, I shook hands and just said, "oh where do you live"... to which I got 'Portland Place"... . (where the job will be)

To those who have read my posts, my exBPDgf lives right by the BT tower... . in comparison with Portland Place it's about 100 metres max.  It's bad enough seeing that bloody tower every day glowing as I come into Waterloo on the train -the idea of walking over to it 2-3 days a week is stomach churning... .

Does anyone else feel like this?  Bad memories of buildings which bring back feelings that make your stomach shudder?  For me, it's a problem... .  

I told my T about it last week and she keeps on telling me it's associated with PTSD and the public humiliation my ex put me through on the streets round there. 

I HATE the BT Tower (almost as much as BPD)! 

[Popcorn71]

I can understand what you mean.  I have similar feelings.

My exBPDh was a driver and I often used to go with him while he was working.  Now, when I am out and about, I keep thinking 'the last time I came down this road was with him'.  I can't get these thoughts out of my mind and it seems that there is something to remind me of him everywhere I go now!

[charred]

First big go round with my exBPDgf... we were talking seriously about getting married, and she abruptly dumped me and took up with a neighbor... was hanging on him and kissing him nearly in my yard... I was suicidal/homicidal... and left town to get away. My family, friends, business, school... were all there and I moved from it. I have been back a few times a year due to family, but still avoid it to avoid her... . and that has gone on for 25+ yrs. It is all associated with horrible feelings. My exBPDgf contacted me on FB about 5 yrs ago and we got back together... and recycled 7-8 times, I got a divorce, and am back to avoiding that town.

[emotionaholic]

You are not alone in your feelings.  The week my ex and I started dating I had bought my dream sailboat.  Our first date was on that boat.  We spent many a weekend sailing and relaxing probably the one thing that never was an issue in our relationship was time on the boat.  Then when I invited some friends that she did not like to go sailing with me she dumped me and never spoke to me again. 

That boat has been a dream of mine for 25 years, now I rarely go out, too many memories and its just not the same.  I'm giving it one more season and if I cant get back into it I'm selling.

[NoCRV]

My BPDex lives about three miles away.  We spent a lot of time at restaurants and stores in the area.

So many triggers for me! 

[DiamondSW]

It's strange but my T told me to go back to the areas associated with my BPDex and just walk around with a friend, refamiliarise and not worry (because this is where my niche clients tend to live).  

Today I ambled down Oxford Street with a good friend and browsed the shops, but it still felt horrible... . and Oxford Street is 300m from the BT tower! I could feel my heartbeat rising, myself shivering, sweating, and even my chest hurt.  Real fear there.  

Urgh, I really need this new work but I can't handle being anywhere near her.  It just feels horrid, to an extent where I'm going to have to turn it down and find something else.  I don't want to see this girl ever again and London's a big place -I feel like an idiot for risking my own emotional health by knowingly going anywhere near her.  It's not worth it, no money is worth that.  

ps:  I feel really sorry for the person selling their boat!  That's so sad if it's what you dreamed of (and probably worked damn hard to get).  Urgh, hate BPD

[Waifed]

My BPDex lives about three miles away.  We spent a lot of time at restaurants and stores in the area.

So many triggers for me!  

Same... . but I am not going to let my memory of the past dictate my future. I have just as much right to those places as she does. Granted, it has taken several months to get to this place.  

I just returned from Costa Rica. I vacation there quite a bit. I made the mistake of taking her a year ago. Triggers everywhere. I made myself go where I needed too but boy did it hurt. Sucks that I'm 5 months NC and it still hurt, but I will survive and one day any thought of her will be indifferent to me.

[growing_wings]

oh i so relate.

not only places where the ex BPD lives, but the groups and people they are around. I live in a smallish city and the fact that i am around her now neighbourhood is present.

step by step... the more we work and focus on our own healing the best we will react when we find them or we happen to be in their area.

is all we can do. the rest of the world keeps moving

[Johnny Alias]

I'm lucky compared to yall.  She moved with new dude to FAR side of a fairly big city.  Like super BFE.  I still avoid her like the plague at parties where everyone goes. 

As for places we used to go together... . HOW BOUT THE HOUSE WHERE WE BOTH LIVED?  When I kicked her out she took almost everything as the furniture was hers.  It was like living in a warehouse and I was barely hanging on.  Then my best friend died.  Aboslutely one of the worst times in my life. 

Today I'm getting the bedroom painted.  Gonna try to make that house my own if it's the last thing I do.  I will not be beat by her.  Not by someone who's soon to be jobless, peniless, friendless, and more wrinkly.

She's a despicable human being.  God I hope I can forgive her one day.   

[Ceide]

DiamondSW, I know exactly what you mean.  For some reason, really early on after the exuBPDbf left, I had a fierce determination to beat down the bad memory triggers.  I referred to it as "reiki-ing" each place.  (Somehow that made-up word for me means dismissing old, bad energy and infusing new, healing energy.)   I reinfused each place with people I know that will always be in my life and always love me.  I created new memories and when I think of these places now, I don't think of him at all.  Our favorite B&B?  Brought my friends there, my nieces and nephews, my sisters, etc. on several separate trips.  Even slept in the same bed at the B&B with my little niece.   All the places we went hiking?  Ditto.  Restaurants - yup.  The new activities he brought into my life - same thing.  I was determined not to lose doing the things I love and going places I love just because of him.  At times it was hard and when I see someone who resembles him, I do react.  But not like I used to. 

Over time, those familiar places will lose their power to invoke pain and anger.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh this is so true.

I'm selling my house this spring because I just don't want to be there and have the reminders anymore, ya know?

I'm looking forward to having a fresh start. Kids are excited too, they are going to help me pick out the new house, and we are going to decorate it however we want!

Life is good without the stress of my abusive marriage.

L

[DiamondSW]

It's quite an interesting post this... .

I'm not alone in wanting to start afresh (trust me, I posted every gift/letter/photo Id ever received back to her), and that includes a fresh start with places.

Worked hard again today in Regent's Park and that BT tower sure did loom over me as I walked home (all of London walked -we had a tube strike!)... . then it dawned on me, at one point I was 2 streets from her room, 60 metres?  Cue panic, raised heartbeat, get me out of here... .

But back at the comparative safety of South London, I kinda felt ok, like i'd 'been' back and survived.  Even walked down the exact same path where she'd screamed at me almost a yr ago to the day (because I didn't buy her a holiday). 

Strange, like i'd 'chipped away' at HER environs and made it.  But not going to walk under that bloody tower for anything... . too close... .

I wonder if she's still there anyway?  No job... . not many friends, doubt she is studying... .   the only reason she's prob got left to staying in London is her weekly psych meeting for an hr and her church services on Sundays... . it's a weird thought.  Her going back to the middle east would really give me peace. 

[starshine]

Hi Diamond, I had a very similar reaction to going to places I used to go with my ex of 5 years.  I had lived in the same neighborhood for 14 years, and when he moved me out of our house there, not one neighbor contacted me.  Every single place we had gone together, although they had been my territory first, brought waves of panic and grief flooding into me.  I felt like everything I loved and valued in my town had become his.  A good friend of mine made a point to go out to eat with me a couple times a month, with us walking around our downtown to my favorite haunts.  It really helped with creating new memories and having new experiences to replace the ones I had with him.  I still do everything I can to avoid seeing him (although i will admit I sometimes drive by our house late at night if I'm in the neighborhood.  It kind of does my heart good to see that he hasn't finished the important things I was trying to get him to do almost 3 years ago.  There's always a reason why he can't meet his responsibilities).  Last time I actually saw him was almost a year ago, and the very next day I developed a stye.  I live in a smallish town, and we kind of ran in the same circles, so I have really cut my social life down, but maintaining NC has been very important to my healing.  I'm about to go to a pub in March to see one of my favorite bands, and it's the place where my exfriend/replacement works.  I worry about her being there, because he has since dumped her and moved onto another fresh supply, but I am going with one of my best friends who has my back.  In the next 9 months I will be relocating and I won't have to see him again, or worry which of my friendly aquaintences is his friend now.  I'm so looking forward to that!

[Dog biscuit]

I can relate to a lot that has been written in this topic. I have developped fear for social media and some of the places we went togheter. I never expected this to happen when I broke it of with exbf.

I dont understand why i feel so fearsome, and i have a hard time accepting my feelings of fear, because they make me feel so vulnerable and weak. Having grief and sadness of a break up, I can accept, but fear... .

I avoid the things that raise fear for now, bc i dont feel strong enough yet, but in time I think I have to put myself out there again. The only way to get rid of this fear eventually will be to expose myself, slowly but surely, to those things again. The time is not yet there, but i hope it will be here soon.

I dislike it very much.

[DiamondSW]

Hello dogbiscuit

You are correct about fear.  My T told me the exact same thing 'that I have to expose myself to it' (the place) more and more... . because the area where she lives is also where I make my livelihood.  I can't just run away or i will financially suffer pretty badly.

It's a strange feeling fear, I kind of feel immature and weak, even slightly pathetic for being afraid to bump into a 7 stone girl, but equally I just know that there is nothing good going to come from ever seeing her... . if the last months of our r/s taught me anything it was that she just offered pain.  And it won't change. 

I see my T again tomorrow.  She even asked me last week 'how did I know my ex is still there? my fears might be totally unfounded' (as my ex just rents a room and doesn't have many reasons to stay in London any more -no job).  But it's weird because I kind of feel her still there and as I walked around Mayfair 2 days ago I just knew she was around. 

I got an email from her pastor on Jan 19th asking how I was and reminding me that i'd be welcome back at church -but she's there and again it's the place, the memories... .   It's so sad because i'd love to go back there but just know it'll result in seeing her all reinvented and fake.

Urgh.  I feel so sad today, its nearly 2pm and havent even got out of bed... .    :'(

[Free2Bee]

I experienced the same thing too. I used to go to a farmer's market with my ex on Saturdays. For the first few weeks after the break-up, I was getting anxiety attacks every time I walked into the place, literally couldn't breath. Yogic breathing exercises helped a bit, but the trigger seemed to be the fear that I might see her there (irrational, given that she lives in another city, but if she wanted to stalk me, this would be the place).

I didn't stop going, but I did switch up my routine and go at a different time of day and that's helped a bit. That, and just continual exposure to the place. I didn't stop going. I'm sure I'll experience this again and again with other places we 'shared'. Just taking it as it comes.

Emotionaholic, your story about the boat made me really sad. I got a brand new camera for Christmas, my first digital SLR with a fantastic lens (something I've wanted for years). My gf was angry about it for some reason and it took all of the fun out of it. I've barely used this camera. Hoping that as the memories fade (and the weather warms up), I'll start to use and enjoy it.