Silent treatment after breaking up and no closure or goodbye

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm here because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm looking for peace.  I didn't know what BPD was until a few weeks ago, and I believe my ex has this or at the very least, tendencies.  Apologies, but this is going to be a long story, hopefully some nice soul out there has had a similar experience and can tell me how they handled someone who disappeared completely from their lives with no goodbye, no closure, and after trying to contact them for over a month, there's been nothing but silence.  It keeps me up at night, I can't concentrate at work, and it feel like I'm getting depressed.  I'm a little scared I'm spiraling and I know I will not get the closure from him, so I'm asking for coping tools from anyone willing to help!  Thank you!

He and I had an amazing 6 months.  It was a fairy tale romance.  After two months he was calling me by his last name.  I've never wanted to marry anyone but finally believed I had met the "One".  I'm in my late 30s, and he is 40.  He is also a well respected person in his field and has done well for himself.  I admired him for a lot of reasons, and felt so very much in love. 

We actually met three years ago and had an amazing night, but the very next day, his personality changed and he was cold and distant.  Fast forward three years and he found me on Facebook.  We started talking and I felt an instant connection.  He mentioned to me he had gone to therapy for some abandonment issues with his dad and a bad divorce, and when we first met he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship- I should have pressed for details but didn't.   We talked for a month before meeting (long distance relationship), and had a wonderful 6 months.  I met his parents over Thanksgiving.  This past December I felt he was pulling away a little.  We had a few arguments but were always able to talk things through- at least usually.  During our first argument he went completely ballistic and was yelling at me about "why won't you fight for us" and started calling me the F word.  The next day he was apologetic and I told him I'd leave him if he ever did that again- he never did, but he did start shutting down and withdrawing when we'd argue and cut off communication.  Throughout our relationship, I'd noticed odd tendencies- he could be very upset in the evening, then wake up the next morning and act like nothing had happened.  He always seemed slightly jealous, insecure even, even though he was handsome and smart and I showered him with attention.  He would send me passive aggressive texts saying "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it" even when I was at home and not out, and during conversation would often say "that's right blame me, it's always my fault".  When we would get into an argument via text he would say "let's talk in a couple of weeks", then be perfectly fine the next day. 

The last month we were together, I felt him pulling away and this made me upset so I asked him to call me more.  This didn't work very well and the one thing I wanted him to do, he would not.  The last week we were together, getting him to call was like pulling teeth.  He would say he loved me via text, and we would have entire conversations via text, but he barely called.

The night I broke up with him, he sent another one of his text "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it"... . so I texted back "please do not assume things or send me rude texts".  He wrote back "ok didn't mean to be rude".  Ten minutes later I get a text "you're silence will have consequences" , probably because I didn't respond to his previous text.  I called him and stood up for myself and asked him not to threaten me.  He hung up.  I called him again, asked him why he hung up on me, he said he hadn't, but then three minutes later, he hangs up again.  I called a third time, no answer, so I sat and thought about his rude behavior for five minutes, wondering how a grown 40 year old man could act this way, then I called him, and he didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail and broke up with him.

Of course the next day, I regretted it and called crying/texted.  I received a text three days later after texting him "did you ever love me"?   He said "I do, very very much.  I have been freaking out and am completely overwhelmed and don't know how to ask for help.  I am sorry and embarrassed how I have treated you.  I had a complete breakdown a few days ago after my kids left (his kids lived with their mom), and I drank way too much the night you called.  I am not handling being far away from you very well, I am sorry at how I'm acting".  I then thanked him for reaching out, and asked him to call me, to which he sent me ANOTHER text "did you delete me from BBM"- (this is blackberry instant messenger).  I responded to him "I'm headed to bed soon please call".  He responded with "you didn't answer my question though, I wrote you a lengthy message on BBM and when I sent it it said I was no longer a wanted contact".

I asked him again to call me, and I heard nothing.  I've called crying, texted, emailed a goodbye closure letter, called again over the past month.  I was always sweet in my contact, never tried to seem rude.  It's been dead silent, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.  How is it possible to be so entwined and say you are so in love, calling a woman by your last name up until the day we broke up, and then be so emotionless that you can disappear, apparently forever?

I just want a goodbye- some acknowledgement that all the I love yous, the future plans, the time we spent together meant SOMETHING.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  It's so invalidating.

Has anyone had this happen to you (they completely cut you off), and how did you not lose your mind over it?

I've joined a band, gone online and joined a dating site, took up an extra class, will start bible study soon, I've seen a therapist and talked a lot to friends, but I still feel stuck in the middle of something and I can't find my way out (yet).


Thank you so much for any advice you can give!  God bless!

[Espy]

I'm here because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm looking for peace.  I didn't know what BPD was until a few weeks ago, and I believe my ex has this or at the very least, tendencies.  Apologies, but this is going to be a long story, hopefully some nice soul out there has had a similar experience and can tell me how they handled someone who disappeared completely from their lives with no goodbye, no closure, and after trying to contact them for over a month, there's been nothing but silence.  It keeps me up at night, I can't concentrate at work, and it feel like I'm getting depressed.  I'm a little scared I'm spiraling and I know I will not get the closure from him, so I'm asking for coping tools from anyone willing to help!  Thank you!

He and I had an amazing 6 months.  It was a fairy tale romance.  After two months he was calling me by his last name.  I've never wanted to marry anyone but finally believed I had met the "One".  I'm in my late 30s, and he is 40.  He is also a well respected person in his field and has done well for himself.  I admired him for a lot of reasons, and felt so very much in love. 

We actually met three years ago and had an amazing night, but the very next day, his personality changed and he was cold and distant.  Fast forward three years and he found me on Facebook.  We started talking and I felt an instant connection.  He mentioned to me he had gone to therapy for some abandonment issues with his dad and a bad divorce, and when we first met he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship- I should have pressed for details but didn't.   We talked for a month before meeting (long distance relationship), and had a wonderful 6 months.  I met his parents over Thanksgiving.  This past December I felt he was pulling away a little.  We had a few arguments but were always able to talk things through- at least usually.  During our first argument he went completely ballistic and was yelling at me about "why won't you fight for us" and started calling me the F word.  The next day he was apologetic and I told him I'd leave him if he ever did that again- he never did, but he did start shutting down and withdrawing when we'd argue and cut off communication.  Throughout our relationship, I'd noticed odd tendencies- he could be very upset in the evening, then wake up the next morning and act like nothing had happened.  He always seemed slightly jealous, insecure even, even though he was handsome and smart and I showered him with attention.  He would send me passive aggressive texts saying "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it" even when I was at home and not out, and during conversation would often say "that's right blame me, it's always my fault".  When we would get into an argument via text he would say "let's talk in a couple of weeks", then be perfectly fine the next day. 

The last month we were together, I felt him pulling away and this made me upset so I asked him to call me more.  This didn't work very well and the one thing I wanted him to do, he would not.  The last week we were together, getting him to call was like pulling teeth.  He would say he loved me via text, and we would have entire conversations via text, but he barely called.

The night I broke up with him, he sent another one of his text "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it"... . so I texted back "please do not assume things or send me rude texts".  He wrote back "ok didn't mean to be rude".  Ten minutes later I get a text "you're silence will have consequences" , probably because I didn't respond to his previous text.  I called him and stood up for myself and asked him not to threaten me.  He hung up.  I called him again, asked him why he hung up on me, he said he hadn't, but then three minutes later, he hangs up again.  I called a third time, no answer, so I sat and thought about his rude behavior for five minutes, wondering how a grown 40 year old man could act this way, then I called him, and he didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail and broke up with him.

Of course the next day, I regretted it and called crying/texted.  I received a text three days later after texting him "did you ever love me"?   He said "I do, very very much.  I have been freaking out and am completely overwhelmed and don't know how to ask for help.  I am sorry and embarrassed how I have treated you.  I had a complete breakdown a few days ago after my kids left (his kids lived with their mom), and I drank way too much the night you called.  I am not handling being far away from you very well, I am sorry at how I'm acting".  I then thanked him for reaching out, and asked him to call me, to which he sent me ANOTHER text "did you delete me from BBM"- (this is blackberry instant messenger).  I responded to him "I'm headed to bed soon please call".  He responded with "you didn't answer my question though, I wrote you a lengthy message on BBM and when I sent it it said I was no longer a wanted contact".

I asked him again to call me, and I heard nothing.  I've called crying, texted, emailed a goodbye closure letter, called again over the past month.  I was always sweet in my contact, never tried to seem rude.  It's been dead silent, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.  How is it possible to be so entwined and say you are so in love, calling a woman by your last name up until the day we broke up, and then be so emotionless that you can disappear, apparently forever?

I just want a goodbye- some acknowledgement that all the I love yous, the future plans, the time we spent together meant SOMETHING.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  It's so invalidating.

Has anyone had this happen to you (they completely cut you off), and how did you not lose your mind over it?

I've joined a band, gone online and joined a dating site, took up an extra class, will start bible study soon, I've seen a therapist and talked a lot to friends, but I still feel stuck in the middle of something and I can't find my way out (yet).


Thank you so much for any advice you can give!  God bless!

[buddy1226]

Yes. I have been there and the first time I experienced it, it drove me nuts too. I am one that communicated and resolves issues and movers on. My ex would shut down and go ghost and would breakup for no reason and go silent. She did it to torture me.

Read up as much as you can and keep posting here. You are in the right place. I'm a few months out of a relationship with a BPD and have only been here a month or so. You will read your story over and over again here and get the help and support you need from some very wise and caring folks. This gets easier with understanding the disorder. Welcome and good luck.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm here because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm looking for peace.  I didn't know what BPD was until a few weeks ago, and I believe my ex has this or at the very least, tendencies.  Apologies, but this is going to be a long story, hopefully some nice soul out there has had a similar experience and can tell me how they handled someone who disappeared completely from their lives with no goodbye, no closure, and after trying to contact them for over a month, there's been nothing but silence.  It keeps me up at night, I can't concentrate at work, and it feel like I'm getting depressed.  I'm a little scared I'm spiraling and I know I will not get the closure from him, so I'm asking for coping tools from anyone willing to help!  Thank you!

He and I had an amazing 6 months.  It was a fairy tale romance.  After two months he was calling me by his last name.  I've never wanted to marry anyone but finally believed I had met the "One".  I'm in my late 30s, and he is 40.  He is also a well respected person in his field and has done well for himself.  I admired him for a lot of reasons, and felt so very much in love. 

We actually met three years ago and had an amazing night, but the very next day, his personality changed and he was cold and distant.  Fast forward three years and he found me on Facebook.  We started talking and I felt an instant connection.  He mentioned to me he had gone to therapy for some abandonment issues with his dad and a bad divorce, and when we first met he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship- I should have pressed for details but didn't.   We talked for a month before meeting (long distance relationship), and had a wonderful 6 months.  I met his parents over Thanksgiving.  This past December I felt he was pulling away a little.  We had a few arguments but were always able to talk things through- at least usually.  During our first argument he went completely ballistic and was yelling at me about "why won't you fight for us" and started calling me the F word.  The next day he was apologetic and I told him I'd leave him if he ever did that again- he never did, but he did start shutting down and withdrawing when we'd argue and cut off communication.  Throughout our relationship, I'd noticed odd tendencies- he could be very upset in the evening, then wake up the next morning and act like nothing had happened.  He always seemed slightly jealous, insecure even, even though he was handsome and smart and I showered him with attention.  He would send me passive aggressive texts saying "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it" even when I was at home and not out, and during conversation would often say "that's right blame me, it's always my fault".  When we would get into an argument via text he would say "let's talk in a couple of weeks", then be perfectly fine the next day. 

The last month we were together, I felt him pulling away and this made me upset so I asked him to call me more.  This didn't work very well and the one thing I wanted him to do, he would not.  The last week we were together, getting him to call was like pulling teeth.  He would say he loved me via text, and we would have entire conversations via text, but he barely called.

The night I broke up with him, he sent another one of his text "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it"... . so I texted back "please do not assume things or send me rude texts".  He wrote back "ok didn't mean to be rude".  Ten minutes later I get a text "you're silence will have consequences" , probably because I didn't respond to his previous text.  I called him and stood up for myself and asked him not to threaten me.  He hung up.  I called him again, asked him why he hung up on me, he said he hadn't, but then three minutes later, he hangs up again.  I called a third time, no answer, so I sat and thought about his rude behavior for five minutes, wondering how a grown 40 year old man could act this way, then I called him, and he didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail and broke up with him.

Of course the next day, I regretted it and called crying/texted.  I received a text three days later after texting him "did you ever love me"?   He said "I do, very very much.  I have been freaking out and am completely overwhelmed and don't know how to ask for help.  I am sorry and embarrassed how I have treated you.  I had a complete breakdown a few days ago after my kids left (his kids lived with their mom), and I drank way too much the night you called.  I am not handling being far away from you very well, I am sorry at how I'm acting".  I then thanked him for reaching out, and asked him to call me, to which he sent me ANOTHER text "did you delete me from BBM"- (this is blackberry instant messenger).  I responded to him "I'm headed to bed soon please call".  He responded with "you didn't answer my question though, I wrote you a lengthy message on BBM and when I sent it it said I was no longer a wanted contact".

I asked him again to call me, and I heard nothing.  I've called crying, texted, emailed a goodbye closure letter, called again over the past month.  I was always sweet in my contact, never tried to seem rude.  It's been dead silent, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.  How is it possible to be so entwined and say you are so in love, calling a woman by your last name up until the day we broke up, and then be so emotionless that you can disappear, apparently forever?

I just want a goodbye- some acknowledgement that all the I love yous, the future plans, the time we spent together meant SOMETHING.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  It's so invalidating.

Has anyone had this happen to you (they completely cut you off), and how did you not lose your mind over it?

I've joined a band, gone online and joined a dating site, took up an extra class, will start bible study soon, I've seen a therapist and talked a lot to friends, but I still feel stuck in the middle of something and I can't find my way out (yet).


Thank you so much for any advice you can give!  God bless!

I didn't have to read beyond that to realize; BPD. I am really sorry that happened to you. You are in the right place.

[fromheeltoheal]

The emotionless part is a coping mechanism.  Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, and he's either feeling them so strongly that he is ashamed and he doesn't want you to see him like that, or he zoned out and became numb, a response to emotions that are too strong.  When a sufferer gets too close to someone that person becomes a trigger for the disorder, the push/pull kicks in, and he pushes you away.  All of that has nothing to do with you.

Yes, I've been there.  She'd be fine one day, cold and distant the next, fine the next day, sometimes cycle through several emotional states inside a day.  Add to that little communication, constant blame and frequent rage, and I was a nervous wreck all the time.  It's sad she lives like that, she can't control it, and what she wants most, that love and intimacy, just makes things worse when she approaches it.  I wasn't near perfect either mind you, I was way over my head and my communication skills were lacking too, but I did my best, which in the right relationship is more than enough.  Take care of you.

[Espy]

Thanks Buddy, Ironman and Fromhealtoheal.  It has been such a gut wrenching, heave crying, stressful month and I'm trying to make sense of what happened and would like to begin letting go and healing.  I figured posting my story here would lead to answers and hopefully a sense of closure.  The no closure is what is most devastating.  He's not coming back, I'm not going to hear a goodbye.  I've had breakups from much longer relationships occur but the silence has been the worst of them all because it feels like without talking it over, it will never end.  Thanks again.

[arn131arn]

They leave u with no closure. Ever. I don't really know too much about their inner workings or why, I just know I've seen every diagnostic marker over and over again to know. She's some type of cluster B, which one I'm learning doesn't matter. None of them can get better. But give yourself some time, and I can assure you if you use your NC to not contact ur ex in anyway shape or form, and work on you, your physical, your mindfulness, and your spirit, you will see the difference in just a short time. You will take a few steps back, but you will keep progressing forward. You are going to wake up in the morning, and he WILL NOT be the 1st thing on your mind. Getting to know who I am after 14 years is my new bottle of Jack Daniels!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the lack of closure is very painful.  I got to the point where communicating with her at all towards the end hurt, no resolution, all blame, all strife.  I ended up giving myself closure by digging for the real reasons I entered the relationship and stayed as long as did; the lessons learned have been their own gift, and that's a closure I didn't know I needed.

[Happy1]

Espy,

You used the word, "entwined" and to me that is the critical point for you to start thinking about in your own recovery from this relationship. Ask you're self questions around this concept like, "Why do you feel the need to be so entwined/enmeshed with this individual? What is it that you lack in reflecting about yourself that this person seems to 'complete'?" This would be a good place and time to reflect upon yourself. That may help some with the pain, turning your focus inward toward your own issues.

As for closure, what you described about your partner being different the very next etc. all sound familiar to many of us here. As other's have suggested, it's part of the push/pull dynamic. For whatever reason, likely that he was beginning to also feel too close to you, you now trigger an innate fear in him of being attached to you (someone) and needing you (them). Again, it's his issue. It's a weird and difficult concept to consider, but you did nothing wrong, it's his fear. He doesn't want to let you go, but doesn't want to "need" you either. Hence, the classic push/pull dynamic I mentioned.

As for the pain, I'm sure it hurts. Hurts right in the pit of your stomach and sort of sits there most of the time and it gets worse when you think of him, replay things and dialog he said to you, or when you see or remember things that "trigger" your sorrow. I have no answer for how to make those things and times go away or be better for you other than to say, "time heals all wounds."

He and his disorder have "played games" with you and your psyche. He's doesn't mean to do it, or to act cruel, but it's his disorder that causes these behaviors to connect->disengage->reconnect (repeat) with you. His mind is never in a stable place in terms of his relationships with others and his fear of abandonment gets the better of him as he struggles to appear to be independent and high functioning like the rest of us.

Keep seeing a counsellor, that's a good and safe place for you to work through these issues. But also remember that you may never have an answer for any of this mysterious and incongruent behavior. You may have to just settle for it being, just so. Or, "it is what it is…" as your answer.

[Espy]

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but it's part of the crazy-making situation I feel I'm in.  I called him today, where he immediately sent me to voicemail, and instead of letting it go at that (as if I should have gone there in the first place after a month of the silent treatment), I called him another six times.

It didn't stop there, I sent him text, for the first time, some pretty real text about how this has all made me feel (remember previously I'd been nice and sweet when I reached out).  I told him his actions were cowardly, and I told him he turned out just like his dad and abandoned the relationship just like his dad did to him.  I told him to be a man and that his silent treatment only shows me he learned nothing during his three years of therapy.  I told him to stop being a sad angry man who drinks too much because he doesn't like his life, and learn how to communicate without shutting down.  I ended it by telling him yes I'm angry, but I see you-you have BPD and the silent treatment is how you feel a sense of control and power- what you don't realize perhaps is that you can stop the cycle of how you feel but you have to let people in, even after they hurt you.  Let's talk like two adults and end this peacefully.


Anyways, like it said, not my proudest moment, and I hadn't been this angry up until this point.  Of course no response.

I agree about turning the questions inward-  I think I'm normally pretty secure but this situation has made ME feel like I have my own abandonment issues!   I wonder why this particular person has been so hard to get over but then I realize out of all the boyfriends I've had, he has been the only one I ever wanted to marry.  He seemed so honest, real, and "perfect"... . and that's why I think I feel so lost.  I thought he was the "One", and he left without so much as a goodbye.

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Appreciate everyone's input.  This seriously helps to get real feedback from people who have gone through the same thing!

[fromheeltoheal]

I was with my ex the first time in 1987 for about a year, then heard from her 10 years and 15 years later, then she found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, and off to the races we went again.  I thought she'd changed.  Ha!  Never say never... .

[letmeout]

Bless your heart Espy, it has been broken but it will heal. After reading these forums, you know if he comes back he will only do this again. No one deserves that kind of agony. Your anger is part of the grieving process and you are moving in the right direction.  

[Happy1]

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Yep, I've had this happen. We were about 6 months into the relationship. She railed about her old boyfriend all of the time, then he came back to town and she was instantly done with me. I confronted her about what had transpired and she told me that she wanted to be with him and that she was sorry it was over between us. I was hurt, but felt I could live with that at the time the meeting ended. Then, since we worked together, as I've mentioned before, the unholy torrent of sh!t came down on me. She essentially wanted me gone, but I wasn't quitting my job over our break-up so, she started a distortion campaign against me. It literally began almost overnight. I guess it's called being "split black."

For me it was a double-wammy of sorts. I was grieving the loss of the relationship, but then was also thrown into a situation where I had to defend myself against false allegations of all kinds. Other people at work would ask me about what was going on and all I could do was say, "I'm not really sure... . " And, I wasn't. I then saw her play the wounded victim to both male and female supervisors, etc. Thankfully I had a good supervisor that stood up for me. I kept my head down, stayed the course and eventually she moved away to be with her new/old boyfriend.

I never heard from her. I never got any resolution other than her telling me we were over. I never abandoned her or did anything to harm this person. I never even said anything in anger to her, every. I just weathered it.

I'm not sure how splitting works, all I know is, that once she was done with me, she was done. Period. Over, finished, complete.

At the time I had a great counsellor that helped me deal with just not having any conclusion or closure. I suggest you find someone who can help you with that too. Since then I've talked about her with my new counsellor and come to understand that maybe she was just having a hard time in life and needed someone like me at that time. Sounds so selfish, but it helps to make my self-esteem feel much better since I did really do a lot for her in a short period of time to help support her. Most of the time she was fairly functional, but she was obviously struggle, as I recall with a host of issues too, and I was a good sounding board for those feelings. I'm proud of that to this day.

Also, my latest personal epiphany has come from my truly understanding and internally now knowing what "objectification" means in this situation. It probably wasn't "me" that she was drawn to, but most likely "my ability" to provide her with something she needed. Just like a starving person needs a meal. I was that "source" for her and other uBPDex'es I've had.

In the future, remember to listen to your gut and your own innate sense of boundaries. That's my big take away from dealing with multiple BPDs. This one that I described here, was my third amongst three and I did the best job of healing and getting on with life after her. Live and learn I guess.

[Espy]

Fromhealtoheal, I've thought about what I would do if he ever came back and I don't think I'd take him back, not in his current condition... . why did you go back several times?  Are you still involved?

I recently read this book called Who's Pulling Your Strings and found some quotes that are staying with me while I deal with the silent treatment, and I wanted to share.  When you read the word manipulator=your ExBPD.

1. Remember it takes two to have a manipulative relationship!

2. Every time the non BPDer complies w the manipulator so request, (I.e. Every time you contact them) the manipulator, in turn, is reinforced for using their methods.

3. The stress the nonBPDer is under limits their ability to perceive alternatives, or go adequately identify the true range of her personal autonomy and freedom.

4.you are not as powerless as you feel.  By enabling the manipulator to control you, you are exercising a kind of power and control (albeit one not in your best interest) of your own.

5.if you stop complying with the coercion, you will CRIPPLE the effectiveness of the manipulators methods.

6.Does resistance mean you will suffer the negative consequences you the non BPDer fear (in my case abandonment of the relationship where I thought I'd get married).  With continued resistance (NC) the manipulator will be forced to change tactics, or change victims.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met this person because I feel there has been an innocence lost in the way I love now, however, I've been meeting new people daily and realize my previous rose colored lenses have been replaced with a more realistic view of the world, and I think I'm ok with that.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromhealtoheal, I've thought about what I would do if he ever came back and I don't think I'd take him back, not in his current condition... . why did you go back several times? Are you still involved?

We worked together in 1987 and had a fling, which I thought was a real relationship but found out later she'd been screwing most of the office, then she called a couple of times over the years, when she was married with kids, struck me as strange that an old girlfriend would look me up years later, but I didn't know then what I know now.  And then she found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, 25 years since I'd seen her, I was lonely and susceptible at the time, 25 years felt like another lifetime, I thought she'd changed, I certainly had in that time.  So we were together twice, she's a beautiful girl who turns on the idealization like nobody's business, I was in 'love', silly me.  I was naive and ready for an education is what I was.  I left her a year and a half ago, she tried to contact me many times but hasn't in a while, I ignored it, and it only took me decades, but I think I've learned that I need to keep her and her pathology out of my life for good this time.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met this person because I feel there has been an innocence lost in the way I love now, however, I've been meeting new people daily and realize my previous rose colored lenses have been replaced with a more realistic view of the world, and I think I'm ok with that.  

There you go.  I see the whole experience as an education I apparently needed and didn't know it, and my perceptions of people and the world have all changed for the better too, the gift of a relationship with a borderline.

[Espy]

It's been six weeks since the breakup now... . I actually booked a trip a few weeks after the breakup to Hawaii and have spent the last five days here.  My friend that I stayed with here in Hawaii suggested I come here because after her divorce, she said the on,y thing she could do some days was put one foot in front of the other, and try to have new experiences to replace the old, bad, sad feelings.  I've been here in Hawaii for the last five days and have had several great experiences, glad I came, and mentally put a little more distance between myself and my exBPDer... . I do dread going back home however. 

I think to Happy2's point, I spent the last five days digging deep as to why I need to have final words with the ex... . why it's so darn important to me when he's been nothing but hurtful and disrespectful.  I know it most likely has to do with issues stemming from what might not have been a perfect relationship with my own dad- I was always trying to make him proud, not to mention he and my mom both passed away when I was in my mid twenties, so I'm sure I have my own "abandonment" issues and want so very badly for my own family.

This hasn't been and is still not easy... . i wonder about him still when it's been a month and a half of not hearing from him... . it's embarrassing to see myself write that, but that's where I'm at.  I seriously, seriously, seriously want to feel better about this... . it's such a struggle.  Some days I literally have to stop myself from thinking about him in a sad/I miss you way and remind myself what a manipulator and heartless non empathetic arse he has been.

[dansure]

The silent treatment and that we had no real closure was the hardest thing from me during the break up with my ex. I could never and still can't understand how someone who just said "I can't imagine to live without you" just cut me out of her life and apparently doesn't even think about me anymore.

I found my closure the moment that she told me that she is dating someone else. Then everything made sense to me. I am sure now that she met that person a couple of weeks before we broke up and that something was going on behind the curtains already. That also explains her abnormal behavior during our last and final break up, because usually she would call me or text me a couple of days after.

I know some people who tell me that it is nothing abnormal that people start dating someone else shortly after breaking up with their ex. But to me it is and it shows that the love wasn't real. If I really love someone I simply can't date someone else shortly after. I need to erase my previous partner from my heart first and that takes some time.

So what's my closure? Knowing that she didn't really love me towards the end anymore. If she did she would never be able to ignore my messages and to date someone else shortly after.

It hurts but it also helps. Why does it help? Because if she had to leave the country for some reason or I cheated on her and she lost her feelings for me or something similar would happen... . then it would be justified to grieve and be sad about the loss. But if she just stops loving me out of the blue, but still acts as she still does up until to the point where I stop playing by her rules anymore and then moves on to the next victim that's not a loss as all. It's actually a win because I stop waisting my time on her and are free to find someone with whom the love can grow.

[Popcorn71]

The silent treatment and that we had no real closure was the hardest thing from me during the break up with my ex. I could never and still can't understand how someone who just said "I can't imagine to live without you" just cut me out of her life and apparently doesn't even think about me anymore.

I found my closure the moment that she told me that she is dating someone else. Then everything made sense to me. I am sure now that she met that person a couple of weeks before we broke up and that something was going on behind the curtains already. That also explains her abnormal behavior during our last and final break up, because usually she would call me or text me a couple of days after.

I know some people who tell me that it is nothing abnormal that people start dating someone else shortly after breaking up with their ex. But to me it is and it shows that the love wasn't real. If I really love someone I simply can't date someone else shortly after. I need to erase my previous partner from my heart first and that takes some time.

So what's my closure? Knowing that she didn't really love me towards the end anymore. If she did she would never be able to ignore my messages and to date someone else shortly after.

It hurts but it also helps. Why does it help? Because if she had to leave the country for some reason or I cheated on her and she lost her feelings for me or something similar would happen... . then it would be justified to grieve and be sad about the loss. But if she just stops loving me out of the blue, but still acts as she still does up until to the point where I stop playing by her rules anymore and then moves on to the next victim that's not a loss as all. It's actually a win because I stop waisting my time on her and are free to find someone with whom the love can grow.

Thank you.  You have put my thoughts into words.  Seeing it in writing somehow makes it easier to understand and see more clearly.  Like you, I have won also. 

[goingtostopthis]

Its this Silent Treatment thing that I know is responsible for ruining our relationship.  I told myself if another man even did this to me again I'd end it ,  but in this case it seemed to happen so fast and was upon me before I could really register it.  I was all ready too far into the relationship. Ive had bad experience's with this in my past.  I dont handle it well at all.   It makes me compulsive and obsessive.  The first time he did it I couldnt stop writing him because I was in so much pain. Saying anything to get him to answer me. Saying Im sorry, practically begging him, on and on,   well he used this against me eventually,  and said I was harassing him and claimed he told me he needed time to be  alone,  which he "never" said.    He said it was over,  and then cut me off.  So naturally I flipped.

                There's no compassion,  there's no understanding.  I tell him why I have reacted in certain ways that I have to him in accordance to how he is acting.  He doesnt care. Its still held against me. Ive got the problem.  Giving the silent treatment is the problem and he's the one whose been doing it.

                        I ended up writing his mother ,Im in the US, hes in the UK,  I did this once before with a good result.  They came .gave him money and good talking too and it helped a lot.  This time I did it again for the same sort of reason.  He keeps making comments about not wanting to live. I told her he is not himself,  that he has changed and was being irrational and mean to me. I eventually said I thought he was depressed and needed psychological help. I didnt dare say BPD.    Well, she wrote back and said:  it seems to me that its the other way around.     < and that was it.  meaning,  Im the one who has a problem.   I asked her with capital letters to please not tell him I had written her.  Well, she did...    this was after I told him I would never do that again.  But I did,   I was freaking out and inn soo much pain.  He needed help.  He wont get it. Stupid, stupid mother... . makes me so mad... . she knows darn well he isnt quite right.   Now he has his final reasonn to condemn me to his hell.    Im not going there, sorry.   

                             

[acknowledgement]

From my experience, the BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness. When they deem you are no longer needed, as when they usually find a "replacement" for you... . they can turn the switch off and never look back. That alone should tell you it is them, not you, for they are irrational, all about themselves, and FAKE. Look within to see why you continued to engage in their abnormal dance, and seek our people who can actually have a real true loving relationship without lies manipulation s deceit and silent treatment... . NONE of that is normal is abnormal BPD!seeing a therapist for me, validated that my friend truly had BPD and was pushing and pulling me for years... . there is usually no good outcome with BPDs... . just more recyling of the same dysfunction! Let them go and start to live again and a brace people who actually enhance your life not bring torture confusion and pain to it... . and leave you suffering with their silence and detachment!

[love2give]

From my experience, the BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness. When they deem you are no longer needed, as when they usually find a "replacement" for you... . they can turn the switch off and never look back. That alone should tell you it is them, not you, for they are irrational, all about themselves, and FAKE. Look within to see why you continued to engage in their abnormal dance, and seek our people who can actually have a real true loving relationship without lies manipulation s deceit and silent treatment... . NONE of that is normal is abnormal BPD!seeing a therapist for me, validated that my friend truly had BPD and was pushing and pulling me for years... . there is usually no good outcome with BPDs... . just more recyling of the same dysfunction! Let them go and start to live again and a brace people who actually enhance your life not bring torture confusion and pain to it... . and leave you suffering with their silence and detachment!

I like reading posts like yours here.  I am so trying to make sense of how one human being could do this to another. 

How can she not actually feel love after saying it so often is beyond reasoning for me.

[LA4610]

Hi there ESPY... . it's terrible that you had this experience and i am sorry you are so hurt from it. You are not alone. We all have similar stories and pain. It sounds like your on the right track. I read all of your posts and you are taking some very good steps to healing. One thing I would recommend (*and I am saying this from experience) is to try to talk only to your close friends and mainly to your therapist about this. Alot of ppl will not understand the chaos and drama associated with these ppl. Trying to explain my relationship with regular friends and even some family usually left me frustrated bc I felt like no one understood (they probably didn't).

[cosmonaut]

I am going through nearly the same things, Espy.  My uBPDexgf just started shutting me out this past fall without any reason or notice.  She stopped returning my calls and texts.  She would refuse to see me if I showed up at her place.  She kept claiming that she was ill and then she said that she needed space and hoped I could understand.   I've never been able to understand it, though.  Believe me, I've tried.  Discovering and learning about BPD (I didn't even know what it was before she broke things off with us) has been enlightening, but also very saddening.  I keep wishing I had known about it earlier and kicking myself about it.  Maybe things would have been different.  Maybe I could have handled things better.  Maybe I could have helped her.   It's just so heartbreaking.  I love my ex.  I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything.

Anyway, I don't have much in the way of advice, but believe me I feel you completely.  It's just maddening and heartbreaking to have the love of your life just drop you for absolutely nothing.  To refuse to fight for you in any way.  To refuse to work on anything together.  To just leave.   It's ironically, abandonment.  It really is.  And it hurts like hell.  All of us here know the agony of that loss.   Hang in there, Espy.

[love2give]

.  It's just maddening and heartbreaking to have the love of your life just drop you for absolutely nothing.  To refuse to fight for you in any way.  To refuse to work on anything together.  To just leave.   It's ironically, abandonment.  It really is.  And it hurts like hell.

It is exactly these words that keep going through my head.

[myself]

My ex said she would use silence to punish me. That it would affect me the rest of my life. At first, it hurt 9/10ths of the time. Then 2/3. 50/50. Now it's down to around 1/3 and gradually getting less.

In the silence I hear her grinding her gears, still stuck.

While I hear (and feel) myself growing out of it.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but it's part of the crazy-making situation I feel I'm in.  I called him today, where he immediately sent me to voicemail, and instead of letting it go at that (as if I should have gone there in the first place after a month of the silent treatment), I called him another six times.

It didn't stop there, I sent him text, for the first time, some pretty real text about how this has all made me feel (remember previously I'd been nice and sweet when I reached out).  I told him his actions were cowardly, and I told him he turned out just like his dad and abandoned the relationship just like his dad did to him.  I told him to be a man and that his silent treatment only shows me he learned nothing during his three years of therapy.  I told him to stop being a sad angry man who drinks too much because he doesn't like his life, and learn how to communicate without shutting down.  I ended it by telling him yes I'm angry, but I see you-you have BPD and the silent treatment is how you feel a sense of control and power- what you don't realize perhaps is that you can stop the cycle of how you feel but you have to let people in, even after they hurt you.  Let's talk like two adults and end this peacefully.


Anyways, like it said, not my proudest moment, and I hadn't been this angry up until this point.  Of course no response.

I agree about turning the questions inward-  I think I'm normally pretty secure but this situation has made ME feel like I have my own abandonment issues!   I wonder why this particular person has been so hard to get over but then I realize out of all the boyfriends I've had, he has been the only one I ever wanted to marry.  He seemed so honest, real, and "perfect"... . and that's why I think I feel so lost.  I thought he was the "One", and he left without so much as a goodbye.

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Appreciate everyone's input.  This seriously helps to get real feedback from people who have gone through the same thing!

The one's that do not come back are mistaken for a pwBPD when in reality it is more expressive of a pwNPD which has a lot of similar traits. If you read the accounts on here, you will see a common theme of the pwBPD returning in one form or another.

[fromheeltoheal]

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

The one's that do not come back are mistaken for a pwBPD when in reality it is more expressive of a pwNPD which has a lot of similar traits. If you read the accounts on here, you will see a common theme of the pwBPD returning in one form or another.

Yep, I mostly agree Ironman, although in my case she exhibited traits of both, comorbid is the term they use around here, and that is apparently common.

NPD traits include:

Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments

Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others

Envies others and believes others envy him/her

Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence

Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others

Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior

Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

Without getting too psychy, my ex would present herself as god's gift to women and was convinced all men where looking at her and would leave their woman for her in a heartbeat if she wanted.  My take was all of that was just a response, a compensation, for how she really felt about herself; she literally told me she didn't care about herself, wanted someone to kill her to 'put her out of her misery', and didn't know who she was.  Of course those times were the exception, usually in the middle of the night when she'd have panic attacks, the Xanax wasn't working, and she's have to have someone walk her around the block and breathe until she calmed down.  And you're right, the two disorders share some traits, and I put the substance abuse, the promiscuity, the cognitive distortion, the intensity and mood swings, and the lying in the BPD corner.

[Espy]

Dansure, I never heard another peep from my ex after I broke up with him, and if he's dating someone else already, I'm glad I don't know about it.  My ex also professed undying love up until the evening he repeatedly hung up on me, and after I broke up with him over voicemail because he wouldn't answer his phone, I got an apologetic " I'm sorry I'm freaking out/ don't know how to ask for help/ sorry for the way I've treated you text", but I never and still haven't ( probably never will) received a phone call.  He disappeared.  I've come to realize like you that he said many things and might have thought he loved me, but in the end, he wasn't capable of a healthy relationship, and this helps me cope because I realize he's done me a favor by cutting off contact.

Goingtostopthis- I thought about writing his mom, but then I realized what mother who loves her son and birthed this person is going to turn on him and believe me... . I figured she would think I was the one with the problem.  What I've realized is that we aren't the crazy people here, but this situation IS a crazy- maker.  Without a good support system, therapist, ( and in my case a trip to Hawaii to get some space and perspective on the situation) I would still be crying every day and possibly reaching out.  All I can suggest is to continue to talk to people, put one foot in front of the other, and fill your days with new experiences to get " out of your head" about the situation.  Don't know if you're spiritual but Mercyme' s sons "Beautiful" is on repeat on my IPod, and this helps.

LA4610- you are absolutely right, NO ONE I know had heard of BPD.  The only reason I figured this out was because my best friend has a narcissistic ex, and I found information on that disorder which led me to BPD. 

Cosmonaut- sorry your ex did that- I wanted to help my ex at first, but after a month of calling/ texting/ crying I realized he might have this issue but I am not a licensed therapist, and I can't fix his problem if he won't even talk to me- and trust me I tried at least twenty times to reach out and ask him to talk.  Yes, he DEFINITELY abandoned me.  That cowardly, pitiful, motherpuckin SOB chose himself above me and the life we planned together... . I know he has mental problems, but that doesn't stop one from loving them.  I think what turned this around for me was when one of the posters asked me to examine what it was in my own self that needed that closure, and sure enough, it was my own issues with abandonment and self worth that he triggered by not contacting me, but what I realized is that I'm worthy of better love that won't make me as unstable as he is.  I am not proud of the person I became towards the end of our relationship and I have made a promise to myself to find my way out if this mental rut.

Myself-  that's pretty amazing, my ex once texted me " your silence will have consequences" after I didn't respond to one of his texts.  I never understood why he would send something random like that until I read your post.  Funny, these people all function under the same Modus operandi.

Ironmanrises- what idles " pw" mean in pwNPD?  I do see some of his traits in Fromhealtoheal' s description.  He always had to fly first class, loved the constant attention I gave him.  He didn't have a lot of friends, I think he drank every night just to get to bed, would be insecure of me because he said often I had a nice body and that he thought I was talking to other men when I did nothing but adore him... .

Well, today was a decent day.  I'm back from vacation and it's the first day I didn't break down and cry over him while home.  Praise God.

[Espy]

I read an article on NPD, found this really good one- it seems similar to BPD, but does have its differences.

After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.

I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.

Also:

Some Characteristics of a Narcissist- things to watch out for:

They lie

They look down on others

They refuse to take responsibility

They are two-faced

They can be vindictive

They prefer laughing AT people than WITH them

They are bullies

They are very childlike

They believe that no matter what happens they will prevail – because they see themselves as being invincible

They believe that whatever bad things they do, they will be forgiven and will ultimately triumph

They are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic

They have persistent fantasies about attaining success, power and wealth – they are obsessed with it

They are incapable of compromise and need to win

They thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – whether negative or positive – both give them a “high”

They cheat on their partners

They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. They are more interested in being in control and feeling important and special than ever being loved by someone

They manipulate people to go against their own values willingly

They USE people as puppets, pawns and commodities, burning them out and then moving on to their next victim.

They do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond is MISSING

[fromheeltoheal]

the ability to bond is MISSING

Hallelujah!  That was the core of it, and the root of my strife was my conclusion that it was because I was doing something wrong.  Now why would I think something like that?  Could it be that has been my lifelong default mode?  Enough pain can force change, thanks borderline.

[letmeout]

BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness.

That is how I got over my ex, by realizing that he never was capable of loving me.  The bonding thing was also true, he couldn't even bond with his own mother as a child.  

[Espy]

Today was not a good day.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about the ex, and even went so far as to start an email to him but I stopped myself and decided to post here instead.  I realized he has both NPD traits as well as BPD traits... . I've had NC for two weeks, so that's been good, but today I just wanted to email him " one last time" to see if he would grow a heart and respond... . give me some indication that I mattered to him.  It's been 7 weeks and I haven't heard a word. 

I know this is my own insecurity rearing it's ugly head, feeling I need closure... . Sigh... . If anyone has words if encouragement or if after reading my post you think the email is a good idea, let me know. 

[LettingGo14]

Today was not a good day.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about the ex, and even went so far as to start an email to him but I stopped myself and decided to post here instead.  I realized he has both NPD traits as well as BPD traits... . I've had NC for two weeks, so that's been good, but today I just wanted to email him " one last time" to see if he would grow a heart and respond... . give me some indication that I mattered to him.  It's been 7 weeks and I haven't heard a word. 

I know this is my own insecurity rearing it's ugly head, feeling I need closure... . Sigh... . If anyone has words if encouragement or if after reading my post you think the email is a good idea, let me know. 

Hello Espy,

On another post today, I mentioned that I estimate I spent 1,500 days with my xBPDgf (over 4 years).    I spent about 600 of those days (or 40%) in the agony of silent treatment.  I probably wrote her (to no response) on 250 of those days.   It made me feel worse, not better.

I don't think we get closure from our xBPD partner, no matter how much we want it, and no matter how much we need it, and no matter if they reply or not.

I have been on this board one week, and it's the first week of real breathing I have done in four years.  I'm going to get closure here, with this community. 

I hope you can too.   

JT

[love4meNOTu]

No sweetie, the email is not a good idea.

I did it myself, and was the recipent of the most cruel abuse. The only good thing derived from it was the absolute knowing that this person did not love me.

Never did.

Nothing you say, nothing you do, not even your heart laid bare in front of them will make any difference in the end. It's over, and we cannot stop it from happening. It is a mental disorder.

Time to put on my big girl panties and get on with my life.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I've been there, it will get better I promise.

L

[buddy1226]

They get off on it. I've done it tons of times to no reply. It makes us worse off. Angry in my case and I have then vented with yet another blasting her. I call it starving the rabbit because mine did that to a pet rabbit when she was a little girl. That;s what she thinks she is doing to me.

Flip the script on him. I hate having to live like this and I don't understand either. Why would thy not just chose to be happy. My ex and I were good together, when we were good. But it was mostly bad and it was a kind of bad I never knew existed.  And to think back that this was from someone I adored and said I was the love of her life.

We will never make sense of it. It is a disorder and this is how it manifests. All w can do is accept, heal and move on. I'm sorry, dear. I know how you feel.

[Espy]

JT it's amazing to me that you calculated how many days your ex went silent.  Did she ever say things like she was testing you or that your silence would have consequences?  JT, did you not receive closure from your ex?  Did she completely disappear?  I don't know if my ex was clinically diagnosed, but I do know he was in therapy for divorce and his father leaving him at a young age.  The only reason I found these boards is because I googled things he had said and done, and pieced my way to this site.  I think deep down I'm scared I might just have been super needy and scared him away with my request for him to call me more once he started acting distant, but then I read article after article where I see his characteristics... . he was SO GOOD at hiding it... . I had no idea what was going on until towards the end where he started to unravel, get distant, and shut down.  Then he disappeared... which I understand is very much a Narcissistic trait because Borderlines generally return.

Lovenotforme, do you mind if I ask what he said back?  I didn't write him an email tonight.  I read your post and it made me wonder what you and JT meant by not getting closure, no matter if they reply or not.  Honestly the silence is what hurt the most... I think I could get over someone being upfront with me and saying "it's just not going to work out", but the complete disappearance from one day to the next, especially when he was calling me " the future Mrs. His last name" is gut wrenching.  Weird thing I remember is before he shut down completely I texted him and said "it would have been a nice wedding", and he texted back "it will STILL be a great wedding"... . considering he hadn't called me in a week at that time that seemed like really weird behavior like someone living in a fantasy world.

Buddy, yeah my ex and I were going to conquer the world, or so it felt like it.  I only knew him eight months but we were already planning long term.  He would call me " the One" all the time.  To think he may ( from what I read here) have never loved me... .

It just makes no sense, especially because he was so highly functional and top of his field... .   Buddy you say you would send an email, to no reply... . was there an eventual reply?  Like I said my ex hasn't responded to ANYTHING I've sent which makes me think ( from what I've read, that he is Narcissistic as well as some Borderline tendencies, since BPDs come back.  Buddy what do you mean by flip the script on him? 

[Espy]

I don't know what's worse- being completely ignored and I'm thinking he will never come back, especially since I texted him about being a coward and not being a man or an adult about out breakup because he disappeared, or would it be better if he did come back, then leave then come back like I see with so many other posters... . I just wish I knew if he really had this mental illness, or if it's all in MY head. : .      I just don't see any other logic behind someone who disappears... .   I mean I've dated for years and even in the most awkward of breakups, there was always some polite niceties and closure... . a sense if civility... . even if it was via phone or text... . this has just been so odd... . and definitely has made me feel like I'm the one who's losing it.

Thanks to all for posting.  You have all been amazingly insightful!

[BookFace]

Without reading any of the latter posts here, my ex who I suspect has BPD or traits cut me off completely.

She painted me out to be controlling and generally a bad person so with the courage from her friends, she asked me to leave and that was that. Cold, no emotion. Done.

If I text her it takes 2 hours to get a reply, when I know that she is attached to her phone. She purposely does it to torture. Best way of overcoming this? No contact. I'm 8 weeks after the break up and no contact has been about a week. It's tough as we have a child involved, but it's helping me to get through this tough time. I'm sure she will one day wonder where I've gone, whether she contacts me is unknown but she'll definitely be wondering.

It's been pretty frustrating not having answers too. Well, I had some reason (she was happier alone and needed to focus on our child - 2 weeks later she has met someone else and had a cosy valentines evening with him!). I believe my ex loved seeing me beg and be vulnerable to her, which has pretty much always happened when she has kicked me to the curb. The only thing to do now is show her I am strong.

If your partner ever does come back, I'd definitely put forward your concerns of him possibly having BPD. This is my plan. Even if I can't see a way back with her, I think she needs to know.

[love4meNOTu]

Espy - I reached out to him once, after we had been divorced for a couple of weeks. I asked for closure.

He basically told me he was in love with and belonged to someone else now, and that if I needed closure just to refer to his previous emails in which he told me I was disrespecting him. What he meant by disrespecting was disobeying. I didn't do what I was told to do. Which was to give up being me, and everything that was important to being me. You see, in order to be married to him he felt that he had to be in control of everything, otherwise the world is too threatening of a place for him to exist.

There is nothing anyone can do to help him. He is afraid of everything and everyone, and it comes out of him as anger. He is a frightening person at times. I lost all respect for him when he attacked me in front of my children. And I knew I had to go, I couldn't have him influence their lives, or mine any longer. Two years was the length of time we were together, we married six months in. I knew he had problems, and was jealous and insecure, but I had no idea how deep that pathology ran. I thought I could love him well. In fact, he became much worse over time. The more I devoted myself to him, the worse and more controlling he became. But, I finally saw the light when he scared me so much I began to be afraid to come home from work in the evenings, and my children would stay in their rooms when they were with me. I almost lost everything.

I have me back now, and my kids and I are closer than ever. Sure, it's lonely sometimes, but I have faith and hope that love will return to me again someday. Never know what will happen, life is long and I have a lot to look forward to. I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

[Findingmysong723]

I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

Made me ! Wishing that for all of us!

[ShadowDancer]

I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

Made me ! Wishing that for all of us!

It will happen. We all have our tolerance levels and thresholds for B.S... It's about finding where yours is.

[Espy]

Thank you for sharing your stories with me Bookface and Love4menotU.

It was not a good day today.  I emailed him  :'( and of course I didn't hear anything back.  I probably never, ever will.

From what I've read here, I probably dodged a bullet.  He's doing me a favor (although it does NOT feel like it).  He had BPD tendencies but I think he is probably very Narcissistic as well, hence the no contact at all.  Who DISAPPEARS like this?  Just someone extremely, extremely cruel. 

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, Espy.  I know it hurts so much to have someone we love shut us out and pretend we don't even exist.  It's incredibly cruel.  Some even think it's abusive.  I'm inclined to agree.

I am in the same boat as you - no contact at all with my ex.  I tried reaching out twice already and have received nothing in return.  I won't do so a third time.  She knows how to reach me if she wants to, but I don't expect that she ever will.  I have been working on preparing myself for that eventuality and I think I am starting to accept it.  I will never hear from her again.  Not in all of eternity.

Now, I am working on myself.  I am learning that there is life beyond my ex.  There have even been a few flickers of joy.   I will emerge from this journey through the underworld as a stronger and wiser man.  This is a needed journey - a journey of self discovery.

I encourage you to also let go of your ex.  Let him go.  Expect that you will never hear from him again.  There really is life after him, though.  And aren't you excited to see what wondrous things that future holds?

[buddy1226]

Not that this is about game at all but flip the script on his ass and watch what happens. In the meantime stay on here with us and post and get well. I know this is hard. it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with but we are dealing with a disorder. By definition it does not make sense hence dis-order.

Hang in there. Do this a day at a time. We are all going to be alright.

[Espy]

As I sit here wiping tears away I thank you guys for your post.    It IS one if the hardest things I've ever dealt with.  Cosmonaut sorry to hear you are in the same boat.  It really is abusive... . you are strong to say "I'm done" and realize you have to work on you.  I KNOW that's the answer to this but I can't stop my thoughts most if the times.  I know I'm still obsessing and I'm so tired of it... .   Buddy I was NC for almost 3 weeks and thought about the email 3 days before sending it.  It wasn't a long email just a " why did you go silent, are you ok, can we just be civil and say goodbye".  I caved and sent it thinking maybe he'd be an adult and would have calmed down after a few weeks and said a proper goodbye.  What was I thinking.  Dis-order is right... . :'(

[buddy1226]

I know, espy. I did the same thing last week and got the same results. I wish I had not. They feed on it. It's unbelievably difficult to know that someone that I shared so much of my life with can do all that she has. But it's reality. I hurt all day, every day. I just have to trust that it gets better like everyone on here says it will. I'm so sorry. I hurt for you. Hugs.

[BookFace]

I had to call my ex yesterday in regards to our child. She didn't reply to my texts but funnily enough answered my call and spoke to me for 40 minutes, mainly about my failings during the relatiinship - of course!

As bad as it may seem now Espy, NC is the only way. The more you contact your ex, the more it will hurt and the more they will probably enjoy it!

I've gone NC or limited contact and she has tried to contact me for trivial matters which haven't needed my response.  She has still turned it into a question though just to know that I'm still here. I also feel like she likes to have the last say and loves to leave my messages unanswered, sort of as though she's in control. I'm not sure whether thats a BPD trait or just poor human nature.

[Espy]

Buddy, did you send an email and get no response?

So I guess the lesson here is my ex is not the person I fell in love with.  He's mean, and apparently is still holding a grudge or angry or crazy... . I learned that he is someone who acts like a coward and could never be man enough for me.  These are good realizations.

[letmeout]

One thing I've learned about borderlines is that they do hold a grudge forever. I think its because they can never let go of their distorted memories.

[buddy1226]

Yes I did send an email and got no response. The times I have talked to her it has been weird. She is a different person. Talks different, acts different, everything. Even looks different. All have gone downhill. It's super frustrating because I am trying to reach the person I used to connect with and they are no longer there. Strangest thing I've ever seen.

I also think some of it is intended to punish. Being a different person and allowing no connection is torterous and they know that. It may have been part of the plan all along. I've seen her do it to another ex. Completely painted black. It hurts like hell but they are sick as hell. We have to remember that. There is no winning here. We simply have to walk away. That is the absolute hardest thing for me. 

[love2give]

It really is very difficult.  Its been over a month and a half for me and I could never go past four days without sending her a loving message asking for her to call me and talk.  NOTHING.

Totally not the person I knew during out relationship.  Today is day 7 NC.  Longest I have gone.  Well it will be a full 7 days if I can hold off till tonight.

Temptation to message her is strong but what I have learned here is that the result will be the same, no response and more pain to me so I will fight it off.

It truly is an addiction.  I do miss the woman I knew though.

[Calm Waters]

its been a year of NC for me and i still think about her every day, the yearning isn't as bad I can control my thoughts now but it takes practice. NC is the only way I believe painful though it is.

[Invictus69]

It really is very difficult.  Its been over a month and a half for me and I could never go past four days without sending her a loving message asking for her to call me and talk.  NOTHING.

Totally not the person I knew during out relationship.  Today is day 7 NC.  Longest I have gone.  Well it will be a full 7 days if I can hold off till tonight.

Temptation to message her is strong but what I have learned here is that the result will be the same, no response and more pain to me so I will fight it off.

It truly is an addiction.  I do miss the woman I knew though.

Stay strong! Don't make contact!

My friend at our intense period, would text many times a day every day and speak 2hrs plus every day for 2 1/2 yrs. And although it was kind of a slow end to that constant communication, the absence of it is such brutal emptiness ! Sometimes I realize I miss the communication more than the person.So your correct,it is an addiction that they hooked you on and you don't realize it until it's over!

I truly can't believe I'm at 23 days NC! Your last line," I do miss the woman I knew" my words exactly! I say to myself I miss that woman NOT the one I left!  Maybe that could be a healthy repetitive thing for us to say to ease our agony. Best wishes to you

Invictus69

[love2give]

I got week this morning and just sent a text showing this

 

No reply.  Feel like a fool now.  We will see how long it takes for me to FINALLY get it.

[Want2know]

So I guess the lesson here is my ex is not the person I fell in love with. 

This is a good realization.  If you take a look at the detachment stages to the right of the page, you'll see that in the processing stage you start to use what you've experienced as a way to move forward and work with what you have learned so that you can make better choices in the future.

"What you learn in this journey about relationships, people, communications and most importantly yourself (e.g., strengths to build upon, weakness to resolve) can shape positive change for the rest of your life."

I know this hurts right now.  Trust that the pain will diminish over time.  It sounds like you've set up some good things for yourself that you can focus on - your band, classes, bible study.  It's important to keep up with your life without him in it.  

[ynguns2]

I had no closure either. These people are really emotional vampires that suck the life out of you. I have had no communication now going on 6 months and God knows i would like a reason for the reasons she had done what she did but the problem is even she does not know why she had done these horrible things.

You will heal it does take time. Do not rush into another relationship I am lucky I met a new wonderful woman but I am still not healed over my last one who had BPD.

[Espy]

 lots of great post, thanks for everyone's input!  This truly does make it easier, knowing that the issues my ex has are a disorder, and that his disorder is actually shared by everyone's Exs here on these post.  Somehow the fact that you guys are going through the exact same scenarios puts some logic behind his crazy behavior. 

I'm going to go under the assumption that everyone posting are from all walks of life - we are all different ages and nationalities, but the one thing that holds constant is our Exs lack of communication due to BPD or NPD and how it makes us all feel like we are going slightly crazy.  In some way it seems like their behavior is scripted- they say the same illogical things and act in the same illogical way... . for a while there I thought I was the one with the issue letting go, but the more I learn about everyone's experiences here the more I a realize how nutso my ex COULD have made me.

Sure I miss him everyday, but like Invictus mentions I miss the person he WAS.  Love2give, I sent him a nice email three days ago and nothing.  Two months of silence.  That night I punched the heck out of my pillows, prayed a rosary (my faith calms me) and cried my eyes out.  I realized after that last email that he was not a nice man, and for whatever reason, is still angry, upset, or just plain crazy.

Whatever his issues are, I got to the point where i was TIRED of processing.  My therapist tells me you need to process things and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.  Well this girl was TIRED of feeling like hite everyday.  I was good to him, heck I was AMAZING to him, and would have handed over my life... .

But he couldn't return a simple email.  He's full of hate, anger, cowardly ness, and he's undeserving of my awesomeness.

So love2give, I say this only because it took me a while (about two months) to come to this realization.  Don't beat yourself for sending the text, but do realize how cruel your ex is. 

Heck, I might backslide too... . my therapist also told me sometimes you just gotta reach out until "you know that you know that you know that you know" it's over.  For me that took (and I'm guessing her) 8 loving texts, 7 Facebook attempts, 6 angry texts, 5 crying phone calls, 4 pleading phone calls, 3 closure emails and a partridge in a pear tree 

Seriously though, that's about how much it took for me to process this.  I'm not over it, I think of him everyday, and luckily I meet men everyday and have been on a few dates already, but I'm not there yet ( ready to date).

Want2know, I couldn't agree with you more.  This relationship has made me a different person.  It's changed me, and I've definitely lost the innocent approach I used to take when finding love, but what I'm finding is I respect myself more, and have developed better boundaries.  This change has allowed me to cut through the BS many men put up when they are just getting to know you, and I haven't wasted as much time on the wrong type of guy.

I think I dodged a bullet with my ex... . I miss the perfection we were (when it was perfect) but I'm realizing that I'm liking my new self and this new found sense of confidence even more.  I clung to my ex because he was literally the Superman of his industry, but I thank the fire he's put me through because I've learned to be stronger and to figure out what I need to make me whole.

[PhoenixRising15]

I echo everyone's sentiments here.  I've been queuing up a lengthy post in my head as I have truly "hit bottom" in terms of my mental health, and I finally began my upward rise.  But, I just wanted to express this one thing:

Walk placidly amidst the noise and haste.

If there is one certain thing in the world, it is the unknown future.

Nothing in the time of my relationship or after it went as I expected it to.

I didn't expect to like her in the beginning. 

I didn't expect to grow so attached so quickly.

I didn't expect that my efforts to help would create more problems.

I didn't expect her to leave me.

I didn't expect her to come back.

I didn't expect her to demand her terms for coming back.

I didn't expect that I would even cross her mind at this point.

I didn't expect that she would be the greatest blessing in my life thus far.

As I have navigated the uncertainty of my breakup, I have learned to appreciate my sense of peace, continuity, and soul searching.  I have got to deeper places of peace within myself than ever before.

Point being: I am trying to learn not to catastrophize the future, one way or another, and rather appreciate the moment and to continue trying to do the next right thing.

Best Wishes.

[cowl022]

Hello Espy 

Im sorry to hear about your issue. I want you t. Know that there are plenty of people here that have experienced this same thing. I was with my ex BPD gf for a little over a year. I loved her very much. I too thought she was the right one for me. I have never been with someone who I had so much in common with. She was worth more to me than life itself. After I found out she

Suffered from Bpd I contacted a therapist who specifically deals with this disorder in women. After speaking to her for about an hour she told

Me that my ex BPD gf would simply leave me. The therapist told me to run away as fast as I could. My reaction to this was... . how could my ex BPD gf do something so cruel? I didnt believe

That she would do something so cruel to me... . the guy who would do anything for her, the guy that loved her unconditionally. I was wrong Espy. She did just that. She walked out

From one day to the next. She blocked me from

Social networks, phone etc... .

I was heart broken, depressed, confused, and I felt used. After I attempted to send her correspondance she called local police to attempt to place a restraining order. She didnt accomplish that, as I never did anything to warrant a restraing order. I was hurting really bad. Im still battling a bit of depression and it

has been 6 months since she left. I never deserved any of it, but I have slowly come to terms with it. I have no choice but to continue

Moving forward in making things better for me. It has not been easy, but in time it does get easier. These people we have loved that have deserted us will continue to live in our minds and our hearts. We need to learn from these experiences and research BPD so we can see the warning signs clearly. Maybe in doing so we will be able to see things we couldnt before.

Use this sight in order to gain understanding.

I know how much it hurts to lose someone who

Means the world to us, but now that they are gone consider giving that love to yourself. Do whatever it takes to become a better person... .

Intelectually, phisically, and spiritually. I had to learn to put myself above her. Do I miss her... . definately... . with every fiber of my soul, but only I can protect myself to a degree no one else can. Take care of YOU Espy. We are all here to offer advise and share experiences.

Please heed the kind words from those who have endured and hopefully are overcoming

These painful experiences on this site. It has helped me immensely and it will help you too.

Remeber to take care of you. Put yourself first... .

Yes! Be selfish... . and love yourself so you can overcome this. Do whatever it takes to refine yourself. God bless you.

[letmeout]

cowl022, when I took my exBPDh to a psychologist to find out what was wrong with my husband, he said the same thing "run! that can't be fixed!".   Yet I hung in there, hoping for the best. I really wish I had taken his advice... .

[Espy]

cowl022, I think what keeps me up at night is how PERFECT we flowed together... It seemed so right, and I'm afraid sometimes I will never love so intensely.

I'm doing a little better now than before, and I realize how MEAN and childlike he is because even after all this time, I haven't heard from him... . but when we were doing well, there was something there that felt so right.  I'm sure you and everyone understands, it seemed so PERFECT, like that person was made for you.  What I'm finding lately is every new potential person I meet seems pale in comparison... . the chemistry just isn't there, which is why I'm scared I might not ever feel that way again   :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

cowl022, I think what keeps me up at night is how PERFECT we flowed together... It seemed so right, and I'm afraid sometimes I will never love so intensely.

I'm doing a little better now than before, and I realize how MEAN and childlike he is because even after all this time, I haven't heard from him... . but when we were doing well, there was something there that felt so right.  I'm sure you and everyone understands, it seemed so PERFECT, like that person was made for you.  What I'm finding lately is every new potential person I meet seems pale in comparison... . the chemistry just isn't there, which is why I'm scared I might not ever feel that way again   :'(

I don't know your whole story espy, but how long did that perfect last?  For me it was about 3 months.

[Espy]

Our perfect lasted six months- he was even talking marriage, but then he started to pull away, and when I started to complain, he would shut down.  I could tell towards the end he was having splitting issues, although at the time I didn't know what that was. 

[Dog biscuit]

He Espy,

The amazing and strong chemistry that was there may be an indication for trouble. I felt an amazing chemistry with my ex, but in hindsight I think for me that may just be the red flag I have to watch out for.

If I would ever feel this kind of crazy making chemistry with anybody else again I will run away as fast as I can. To me it means that something deep inside of me clicks with the crazyness of that person, and i dont ever want that again. I will gladly settle for less chemistry and more intimacy.

[fromheeltoheal]

If I would ever feel this kind of crazy making chemistry with anybody else again I will run away as fast as I can. To me it means that something deep inside of me clicks with the crazyness of that person, and i dont ever want that again. I will gladly settle for less chemistry and more intimacy.

And digging to see what that something is, is fertile ground for growth, and the wisdom gleaned from it can be the ultimate gift of the relationship.  How can we use what happened in these relationships?

[day2day]

Espy, you are going to get through this. Hard as it is.

Resolve not to contact your ex. There's nothing you can say that he hasn't already heard, and there's nothing he can say that you can truly believe.

Closure? From a perpetual liar? From a chameleon? How could you ever be sure whatever you finally received was anything but BS?

There's nothing wrong with their hearing. They hear just fine. What they hear is just one more thing that's too overwhelming to deal with.

Try to think, longer and harder than ever before, about what it must be like to be a person whose inner world is so terrifying that virtually 100% of their focus is trained on filling the bottomless hole in their soul and attaining some degree of control over the unrelenting turmoil. Your feelings... . EVERYONE"S feelings... . are incidental to him. Get through to him? You may as well send packets of sugar to a diabetic with the hope that one day he will miraculously be able to metabolize it.

Some things you might consider doing instead:

Volunteer. Give to someone who may just appreciate it.

Go to an animal shelter. Foster or adopt a pet.

Read voraciously about BPD.

Reconnect with friends of both genders. You might be amazed how far you drifted from so many when you were "enmeshed" in your r/s.

Get in your car or train or plane and visit out-of-town relatives. Realize that aunts and uncles, for example, are not getting any younger. These people are your blood. Go see them.

Find a good therapist.

Avoid drowning your sorrows in booze or non-prescribed drugs.

Find at least one regular activity that will allow for physical/emotional release. Walk. Pump iron. Dig a garden. Do yoga. Join a choir.

Rediscover old hobbies and interests. Maybe spend a couple bucks on yourself to rekindle your passion for something along those lines. You deserve it.

Write. Keep a journal. Compose letters you never send.

Tuck safely away all traces of your ex, such as photos, gifts, cards, letters, etc.

Demystify your ex by conjuring up all kinds of ridiculous scenarios in which their shortcomings fail them. Imagine your ex taking a lie detector test, for example, and watch the readings go off the chart. Imagine them passing gas in church. Give them silly nicknames that you keep to yourself. Whatever works!

Eat healthy and get a regular good night's sleep.

Be proud of the efforts you made in your r/s. There's no one in the world who could have done any better. The next victim will also come to learn this. And the next and the next.

Be patient regarding a fulfilling relationship. It's probably a good thing you can't feel connected to new people at this point. With the craziness you've just had to deal with, your best protection against another huge problem is your ambivalence.

I wish you the best. You are not alone!

[barbwire911]

hey Epsy

The thread reached a 4 page limit so I wanted to reply so I will start a new thread here. The no closure is rough. My 9 month relationship with my exBPD boyfriend sounds very much like your story. Fairytale romance, plans for the future, etc. He was so expressive with the love feelings so fast and then suddenly withdrew. This happened back and forth constantly for a few times and then finally after so much mental abuse 2 weeks ago I told him we need space and he needs to get better. His paranoia and delusions were out of control and I was taking so much time off work to spend at home crying. I needed to get myself in order. Needless to say, although I have spoken to him since briefly, we are not supposed to as the health dept at our work submitted a harrassment complaint against him to our management as he was constantly verbally abusing me on work property.

So he is really out to get me now not only with a smear campaign but the previous attempts I had called him to try to talk sense into him made me look like an idiot and the psycho one as, like u, I called him about 6 times. He called me twice (this is over a 3 day period) but I ended up calling him back more as he would hang up. Only when he called was he nice and would he seem normal and listen and talk normally... . but I think he was also trying to get me to drop this claim against him but given it was not me that submitted it (despite he thinks I am lying) I cannot.  Anyways then the next day he reverts and is angry.  So NC now at all.  But all the times he would hang up on me and not talk to me, even in the past was all for punishment. That is what silent treatment does. It is a child's way of punishing and it also makes them feel in control because really in life, they feel so OUT of control, that by doing this, they feel they have the upper hand in this. It is really a bunch of mind games and I think these pwBPD likely do not have the mentality of more than  a toddler. Mine would even cry and go into a fetal position and curl up on me so I felt like a mother when he was upset.

But know Silent treatment is all a game and about control and power. These BPD people feel they have none in their own lives so seek it elsewhere, hence why they are so erratic and insecure in all relationship s and so unpredicTable and bizarre.  So he is completely aware what he is doing to you. I bet at some point he reaches out to you but only when he really feels you have no more interest in him. But this is the push/pull game and once you give in and show care and concern for him (as any normal person does) he will pull away again. But given you told him it was over, the silent treatment is his way of punishing you so your mind keeps dwelling on him (or so he hopes) and you keep wondering what is going on.  Watch... . if he does not move on to someone new he will be back. And he may be back anyways once she dumps him. Some of them like to keep a harem so when one goes they have others to revert back to. Mine does that.  It is odd.  harems are more part of those pwNPD though but BPD like them too as they feel good about themselves then and it fills their neediness.

[barbwire911]

Oh and ESPY, our first bad breakup , my xBPD texted me he loved me and swear to God, the next line was that he felt he needed to break up with me as our relationship was too intense (yet he was the one that so early and constantly professed his undying love) and he someone came to believe (without any facts) and stated he "just knew" that I wanted to marry him all of a sudden and he could not give me that. Bizarre. He kept coming and going after that with other excuses (I need to get mentally well, as well as a whole host of other rationales... . ).  Never made any sense. Blowing hot and cold is what it was.

[GreenMango]

The thread has reached a 4 page limit.  Feel free to start another on your road to healing from the relationship.