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Author Topic: My "tricky brain"...  (Read 401 times)
Madison66
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« on: February 13, 2014, 01:47:00 PM »

This has been such a slow and strange process to climb Out of the FOG since leaving my 3 year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were good times.  There were also periods of frustration, anger and confusion during the r/s.  I did individual T for nearly 2 years of the r/s to deal with those feelings and with the co-dependency issues triggered by the r/s and the emotional abuse I endured.  I think the T helped me build up the strength and awareness to finally leave the r/s.  I cut the cord 60 days ago and have been 50 days n/c.  I've found myself dissecting the r/s in the last few days.  Not sure why, but I feel at times that my "tricky brain" is trying to convince me that things weren't that bad.  This may be because my gut is telling me to prepare for her to break n/c in the coming days.  My heart may want the "fantasy" again, but I'm firmly listening to my gut to not fold to temptation.  I still have work to do with my T to help me better align my logic, emotions and intuition.  

As I've dissected the r/s, I'm starting to see even more clearly how unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive it was.  I took on so much of the responsibility for the issues in the r/s and even for the utter chaos in her life.  All this while my gut kept yelling "this isn't right".  My survival in that r/s was not possible or sustainable.  Thank goodness her life and house were so chaotic that we couldn't have easily integrated our families into one house (that was the plan).  I am now clearly seeing all the things about it that I couldn't be happy participating in and I couldn't be my "true self" and participate in.  I don't think I could look at it as objectively shortly after the b/u because of the pain, denial and all the self doubt I felt.

Has anyone had this delay in processing?  Is it just par for the course?  Was it healthy or too much ruminating about the past?  

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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2014, 02:05:11 PM »

As I've dissected the r/s, I'm starting to see even more clearly how unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive it was.  I took on so much of the responsibility for the issues in the r/s and even for the utter chaos in her life.  All this while my gut kept yelling "this isn't right".  My survival in that r/s was not possible or sustainable.  Thank goodness her life and house were so chaotic that we couldn't have easily integrated our families into one house (that was the plan).  I am now clearly seeing all the things about it that I couldn't be happy participating in and I couldn't be my "true self" and participate in.  I don't think I could look at it as objectively shortly after the b/u because of the pain, denial and all the self doubt I felt.

Has anyone had this delay in processing?  Is it just par for the course?  Was it healthy or too much ruminating about the past?  

You are working through this at your own pace, it sounds like, with professional help, which is great. We all vary here on how fast we work though things depending upon the situation and the factors that are unique to our relationships, BPD/NPD being the common factor. You are making progress, and that is what counts. Go easy on yourself. Your feelings are natural and acceptable. Acknowledge them, and accept them, and progress will continue at its own pace.
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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2014, 02:07:58 PM »

 I cut the cord 60 days ago and have been 50 days n/c.  I've found myself dissecting the r/s in the last few days.  Not sure why, but I feel at times that my "tricky brain" is trying to convince me that things weren't that bad.  

Hey Madison,

Patience my friend - 60 days is not that long for the "addictive" brain to stop it's obsession or trying to get a fix.

To give you some context in terms of alcohol for example, AA suggests 90 meetings in 90 days - why?  To create a new pattern takes time and consistency... . these first few months are the height of the addictive brain at work.

What you feel is completely normal at this time in your recovery - most of us were in your shoes.  Distractions are good - movies, posting here, exercise - all are good as you "detox".

It will get better with some time and consistency doing what you are doing.

Hang in there,

SB
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ynguns2
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« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2014, 02:54:45 PM »

I have had a hard time letting go too. I am so consumed by the thought of my ex and cannot answer myself why? I am sure you had to deal with the same kinds of relationship trauma/drama as I had to and I can relate to your confusion.

I have since then met a wonderful woman who is total opposite but like I had posted on here my mind is used to the drama and pained caused by my exBPD girlfriend.

I hope you get better soon and the good thing is there are boards such as this to vent out your feelings.


Jim
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winston72
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« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2014, 06:24:23 PM »

Madison, your question about the delay in processing refers very much to my own experience.  It took me many, many months to sort out my views on the relationship.  When in the midst of it, I would adapt and try my best to make it work.  I looked at things from the most positive perspective possible.  This sounds quite reasonable, and likely could be, but in my case that included repressing a lot of my feelings, hurts, doubts and even hopes and desires.  In short, I contorted myself into odd shapes in order to make it work (I know... . no relationship would work on this basis, but that is not subject of this post!).  So, once I settled down after the final separation (a long period of "detox" and "withdrawal" I began to really reflect on the relationship.  For me, that brought in quite a bit of hurt and anger that I had not previously experienced.  I also had lots of questions about what she was really doing.  I contacted her again to ask her about it (it pertained to some lying and deceptive behaviors... . she was kind enough to confirm it for me... . yes, kind is an odd choice of words, but her 'fessing up was helpful to me) and that was also a big step.

But, the questions arose once I was many months removed and dissecting it all, as you say.

So... . yes, I had a long delay in the processing... . sometimes it was ruminating, but I am glad that I allowed, and still allow, the process to run its course. Perspective was slow in coming to me.  And, I think it was appropriate.  The conflicting behaviors within that push/pull dynamic really messed with my brain.  I held them as separate dynamics from the same person rather than integrating all of her behaviors into a whole person.  It creates a kind of "splitting" effect similar to what is identified as a borderline trait.  I think it is one of the nasty side effects of being close and trusting a disordered person... . without understanding what is happening, we both adopt certain traits and we acquire them in reaction to their traits/behaviors.  I could not reconcile the two conflicting part of her (I hate you/don't leave me... . push/pull) so I just held them in suspension.  That takes a while to sort out!  Let alone the lies and deception.   oh, my!
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In_n_Out
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« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2014, 06:42:43 PM »

My process has been very similar to yours Madison.  The day that my ex walked out the door, I exhaled a big sigh of relief and muttered "good riddance".  I was good with it for a couple of months.  I didn't think about her and it was such a relief to *finally* be out of that r/s that I could only classify as being strange and filled with way too much drama.  But then my heart started to ache for her.  I started to miss things about her.  I started to believe that when she walked out that door, it was her going through a "push" and that she would once again "pull" me back in but I didn't hear from her.  I began to reach out to her and she responded.  I then found out that she had been and was seeing somebody else (already! - which I now know is the common theme but that was before I knew that it was BPD) and my heart really began to ache because I knew now that it really was over this time.

I've analyzed, studied, examined and done all of the things that you and all of us have done.  What happened?  What was that whole r/s really all about?  That led to me digging around and then discovering what BPD is and then finally confronted her with it and she admitted that it was true; that she had been diagnosed with it some time ago. 

I realize how destructive to my being that r/s was and yet I still miss many things about her and about us.  As with you, the withdrawal symptoms are very tough to get through at times.  I've found that I myself am much more sensitive to things and can be very emotional; much like how my ex was.  Clearly signs of co-dependence.  It can be very tough some days and other days I'm filled with hate for her; or for what this disorder has made her.  I see the good in her and feel that she is a little girl trapped inside a woman's body and I went through the stage of trying to help her to pull that little girl out to free her from the trap that she was in.  But as we all know, that is not our job nor can we alone do that for them.

I just finished having lunch with my "ex - ex".  She was the one that "I let get away".  The one that I pushed away for various reasons.  My BPD ex was the one that I found to replace her.  My ex ex is in a long time r/s now and she actually went through a r/s prior with a guy that abused her.  He may of had BPD or some personality disorder of some sort obviously.  My ex-ex knows what I went through and we have that bond so it was good to reconnect with her again after nearly 5 years.  That is getting off point a bit but to bring it back on point, the ex -ex said that she learned from that abusive r/s and moved forward with help from a T and some time and that is what I'm doing now myself. 

So like you, there was a delay in the processing and I fear that the entire processing itself will take quite a long time.  I'm not sure that I ever will fully "recover".  But, I have learned a lot from it and I will move forward.  So will you.
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