Can sense i'm going to bump into her... yuck

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's nearly 4pm in the Uk and I'm about to head into central London to church and catch up with 1 or 2 friends before, during and afterwards... .

I just have a really creepy feeling/knot, yes 'knot' in my stomach that my BPDexgf is going to be there... .   she used to go to at least 1 of the 4 services on a Sunday, and even though I know she's fallen out of love with the church (devalued it!) I just have a feeling i'm going to bump into her... .

I saw her pastor on Tuesday and i've got a feeling he might have spoken to her about seeing me... .    

feel really sick now... .

urgh, I've not felt like this in 5mths of NC.  Haven't seen her, spoken a word, emailed, zilch... . but I just know... .

Think i'll smile if i do, then escape through  different door.  Urgh, I hate BPD.  It's soo cruel.  I'm not cancelling though as I enjoy this and i want to see my friends x

[DiamondSW]

It's nearly 4pm in the Uk and I'm about to head into central London to church and catch up with 1 or 2 friends before, during and afterwards... .

I just have a really creepy feeling/knot, yes 'knot' in my stomach that my BPDexgf is going to be there... .   she used to go to at least 1 of the 4 services on a Sunday, and even though I know she's fallen out of love with the church (devalued it!) I just have a feeling i'm going to bump into her... .

I saw her pastor on Tuesday and i've got a feeling he might have spoken to her about seeing me... .    

feel really sick now... .

urgh, I've not felt like this in 5mths of NC.  Haven't seen her, spoken a word, emailed, zilch... . but I just know... .

Think i'll smile if i do, then escape through  different door.  Urgh, I hate BPD.  It's soo cruel.  I'm not cancelling though as I enjoy this and i want to see my friends x

[Surnia]

I know how this knot is feeling - can you take some deep breaths?

I'm not cancelling though as I enjoy this and i want to see my friends x

Keep going. Its a win win situation.   If you don't run into him you will be relieved. If you run into him, it will be a moment with lots of adrenalin and afterwards you will feel proud and strong.

[growing_wings]

Hi diamond...

glad to see you kept the commitment and went, even if you thought your ex could be there.

I relate to what you write. I know i will bump into her at some point... .   and at times, i fear that she will reject, ignore, etc.etc... but at the end of the day, i have to concentrate on what i can control, and i cant control her behaviour towards me, i can control my behaviour. So i have rehearsed (a bit) mentally how i would react. And i think i will just be polite and say hi without pursuing a conversation, but i need to remain calm... .   ( i wish i will be able to do that when the time happens)... how she reacts to me? oh well if she ignores me, fine... next time i will ignore her

let us know if you bumped into her and if so, how did it go!

[DiamondSW]

I KNEW IT, I just KNEW it!

Got there 5 mins early, found a cosy seat, sang 4 songs and something felt not right, just a gut feeling.  One of my friends was late so instead of calling him inside the church (impossible) I went into the foyer... . and there she was! The BPDexgf whom I hadn't laid eyes on in 5 mths.

She walked towards me, laid eyes on me with 5 metres to go, kinda smiled, then I just decided to walk v swiftly away, turned my back, walked down the stairs, whoosh, gone, out the building. 

It felt REALLY WEIRD.  I could sense her all day, then this really was a 1 in 10,000 meeting as everyone else was in the church and singing, but when I laid eyes on her, rather than wanting to talk or feeling any good thoughts/missing her, I couldn't get away quick enough.

Weirdly, she wasn't as pretty as I remembered.  That's a strange thing to think about? 

So, she's there, in Central London, and I don't think anything's changed... . she's the same girl 5mths on.  And I don't like her. 

Might buy a lottery ticket now.  Seriously though, I just sensed it from lunchtime today really strongly. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Good radar!  Like you say, today might be a good day for a lottery ticket.

So how did that experience help you?  You mention she wasn't as attractive, which makes sense really, since when we're lost in the fog we aren't seeing clearly.  What else?  You didn't talk to her and bailed; how does that feel now?  Do you feel more or less detached than you did yesterday?

[DiamondSW]

It just all feels weird.

Like there she was, the girl I would have paid thousands for to see in October and chat to, and yet today, at that moment, I didn't really even want to smile or acknowledge her. 

It's a strange feelig because her handbag was new, but everything else was the same.  Blowdried hair (same), red lipstick (same), doe eyes (same), but I didn't want to hug her, I didn't 'feel' anything. 

Wonder what it was like for her... .   she got a final 'goodbye' text from me in October which detailed my will and final letters and that was it... .   so the last time she saw me was before that -and tonight she just saw my back and how I wanted nothing to do with her. 

God, it just should NEVER have got to this point.  When well and ordered, she was such a sweet woman.  I miss her, but I miss the 'her' I knew on good days.  The person I saw tonight was just the body exterior. 

I don't know if it's made me detach more.  It didn't harm me.  It just reminded me of the waste of it all... . time, emotions, talents, and 2 very decent young people whose lives were a bloody mess and still arent great... .   urgh BPD

[HostNoMore]

Good job D. as being able go through that means that you're making good progress in your recovery. 

I used to run into my exBPD all the time due to our proximity of residences.  I remember my feelings of dread were there too, but I eventually just accepted it as part of my normal environment.  She eventually moved about an hour away from me(No complaints here!).  I can say it's liberating not having to live with the fear of running into her.  The experience would not cause me any emotional pain if I were to run into her, but I still would prefer avoidance of her even after 2.5 years.

The whole experience of having someone use literal fraud to ensnare me emotionally and then turn it around on me in an attempt to abuse and control me has left its mark on me.  I'm a much more whole and stronger person now.  When I could first stand next to mine resisting her blatant physical sexual moves on me during a re-engagement attempt while also being simultaneously disgusted was a major milestone in the recovery process for me.

[growing_wings]

Like there she was, the girl I would have paid thousands for to see in October and chat to, and yet today, at that moment, I didn't really even want to smile or acknowledge her. 

wow, that was a good sixth sense!... .

good to read! is that bringing you closure?

[DiamondSW]

I don't know... .

I woke up at 8am today but have just got out of bed and it's 1.30pm!

Feeling really sad now... . oh god

my best friend phoned me last night and this morning -think he's worried about me. 

I bloody hate this illness, it's just cruel and unnecessary.  If it had been any ex before this one i'd have given her a hug and wished her the best, not run.